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By *ranny-Crumpet OP   Woman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

two minutes.........

To put the funniest joke ever here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the beach laugh.......

Because the sea w.e.e.d

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what did the doctor say to the pair of curtains? Pull yourself together

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By *ookMan
over a year ago

london

Gambled on getting meat from supermarket... but failed because the steaks were too high...

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By *uke OzadeMan
over a year ago

Ho Chi Minge City

I hate being bipolar. I fucking love it!

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP   Woman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean


"Gambled on getting meat from supermarket... but failed because the steaks were too high..."

Zook's in the lead so far. He wasn't before he posted. Which needed saying as much as 'Stay in an save lives'......

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP   Woman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

He might win a toilet roll .....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Gambled on getting meat from supermarket... but failed because the steaks were too high...

Zook's in the lead so far. He wasn't before he posted. Which needed saying as much as 'Stay in an save lives'...... "

Only the first two posts were in the time allocation for entries and mine was by far the funniest so I win.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a magician that’s lost his magic?

Ian

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By *ookMan
over a year ago

london

Winner winner chicken dinner ( but don’t have chicken so likely to be pasta again)

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By *ranny-Crumpet OP   Woman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean


"Gambled on getting meat from supermarket... but failed because the steaks were too high...

Zook's in the lead so far. He wasn't before he posted. Which needed saying as much as 'Stay in an save lives'......

Only the first two posts were in the time allocation for entries and mine was by far the funniest so I win.

"

I was just about to give you first place when I thought ........

Does the 2 mins start from when I put the thread up OR does it start from when a new poster reads the thread?

So ...... you were funny ..... but it aint over till the fat lady farts....

More jokes please.

Zook you are disqualified. you know why

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By *herieWoman
over a year ago

The Burbs

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

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By *herieWoman
over a year ago

The Burbs

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Did you hear about the gay roofer ?

He got his asphelt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the road...

To get to the idiots house..

Knock knock..

Who's there....

The chicken

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By *evilmademedoitMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Two Parrots sitting on a Perch......

One says to the other, can you smell fish?

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug"

What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

Dougless

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did Adele cross the road ?

To say hello from the other side

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I walked in to a chemist the other day and asked for a box of condoms the ladie said small medium or large...

I said large of course ...

So she gave me a box with 500 in it....

But they was a bit to long so I cut the ends off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the playpark?

To get to the other slide.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who can count in binary, and those who can’t.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Catholic friend of mine said it's wrong to have gay sex in their eyes. I said I think your right it's supposed to be up the bum!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walked into the next shop and put my cock in the counter the woman looked at my cock then looked at me and said I think you miss read the sign above the door...

Oh really whys that i ask..

She says it says clock repairs...

I said wel tou better put two hands on that then

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Man walked into a bar....

Ouch that fucking hurt

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By *ust PeachyWoman
over a year ago

Prestonish


"What do you call a magician that’s lost his magic?

Ian "

I love that one!

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow lady?

Snow balls!

Not exactly seasonal but it’s the only one I ever remember!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloke walks in doctors.

Puts dick on desk.

Doctor asks what's wrong with that.

Bloke says fuck all, it's a cracker

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By *lueeyedvikingMan
over a year ago

Near

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who

NO YOU'RE A POO

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a child I was made to walk the plank...

We couldn’t afford a dog.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Pony walks into a bar and orders 3 pink gins, one with slimline tonic and two with regular, 2 pints of Guinness and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

Barman says “Why the fucking long face?”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"As a child I was made to walk the plank...

We couldn’t afford a dog."

Hehe

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By *ailor_poonCouple
over a year ago

wirral

There’s not much food left on the shelves so today I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I’ve tried crab paste for the very first time.

It’s disgusting - I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can’t stop laughing

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he

hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to

tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table

and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose

right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.

I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!

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