FabSwingers.com forum: Dealing with grief

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How do you do it? How is it possible?

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

It’s hard and I have my own way of dealing with it which may or may not suit those closest to me

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My way is not working very well, it keeps being interrupted by inconsiderate people

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

I hope your ok. My life is up and down. I’ve been very low to the point I needed medical help. If you need to talk I’m here x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

Any community or forum is the right place to talk, I dont know your circumstances so I wouldnt want to give the wrong advice, but I know grief intimately and have travelled long and difficult path to get back to where I am now, albeit with a constantly heavy heavy heart, if you need to talk my inbox is open.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. It's hard and you have to believe in yourself that you will find a way to grieve that works for you. It takes time too, but that means you'll likely put more pressure on yourself. I lost my mum suddenly a few years ago, and never got to say good bye, and it was a huge shock. But what helped in the days after was spending the time to go back through old photos, reading the notes she'd written on the back... It probably wouldn't work for everyone, but I got so much from doing that, sparking old memories. Best wishes for the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now"

You will find a way. Your dad can’t come back physically , but he will live on mentally xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now"

Having lost my Mum when I was 11, I can honestly say that 32 years on it does get easier to deal with the grief.

I've had periods of utter despair and all consuming grief, but you just have to take each day as it comes.

Always here if you want to talk.

L (Mrs) X

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By *etwifeandhim69Couple
over a year ago

Darlington

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

No one will judge you for bringing this up here. We all have to deal with it in life sooner or later and the only honest thing I can tell you is that there is no right way to deal with it.

For me it was time. The pain never goes away but I learnt to cope with it a little bit better and it's a scar I wear proudly. It felt like a part of me had been ripped away and still does. However with time I can now look back and reflect on all the joy and love that individual brought into my life rather than focus on the sorrow and pain I felt when they where taken out of it.

You just have have to live your life one day at a time and keep moving forward. Take a deep breath, keep moving forward and when you're ready, start living a life for them...because none of us want to leave pain behind on those we loved.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now"

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss, I've not yet lost a parent and I cant say I ever want to, however as many will know on here because I'm perfectly open about it, I have buried a son And that brings me to my advice, i tried everything i could think of to cope from blaming everyone else to pure self loathing, however the more I talked about him and how I felt the easier it got to manage the pain. I find that talking to people really helped and still does to this day, there isnt an hour goes by that I dont think about my son even now 7 years on I'm still grieving but everyday does get that little easier.

Not sure how much this helps but I hope it does.

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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago

Bognor Regis

" My life is falling apart right now."

I'm so sorry that you're suffering. For any painful situation, finding a way to talk about it is key. Your Dad was obviously a very special person to leave such a whole..are you able to talk to others who might be also feeling the pain of his loss? If you have friends or family who have offered help, please accept it. Sharing the pain will help a little. I think reaching out in any way, even on here is very brave & you're a strong person to have asked the question.

I haven't dealt with the loss of a close loved one, but I'm a good listener if you need one. Sending you a big hug xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now

Not sure how much this helps but I hope it does."

I'm so sorry. Can't image the pain you've been through.

Lots of love x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now

Not sure how much this helps but I hope it does.

I'm so sorry. Can't image the pain you've been through.

Lots of love x"

I cope, this isnt about me, but thank you anyway x

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By *eeky goodnessMan
over a year ago

Worcester

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now"

They say that it gets better with time but when I lost someone close to me, it helped me to keep my mind active on tasks, books or puzzles anything to distract myself for a little while but this may not work for everyone.

But I’m sorry for your loss sparkles

if you need someone to talk to...I’ll listen and you can talk xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now

Not sure how much this helps but I hope it does.

I'm so sorry. Can't image the pain you've been through.

Lots of love x

I cope, this isnt about me, but thank you anyway x"

I wasn't trying to detract from the OP's thread, just showing some empathy x

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By *ollycouple71Couple
over a year ago

manchester

So sorry for your loss op I lost my mam when I was 18 with my son who was ,6 month's old they say time is a healer but think about my mam every day xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

I don't particularly care if this post scares away potential meets there is more to life than sex. Some of you may think that Fab is the not the right place for this but we are a community and I know there are people on here that care. My life is falling apart right now."
Try have a postive mindset ,Talk to someone have good company around you,Keep busy exercise, Hobbies etc etc

Go on a break.Get yourself a dog/cat????.Pray if you believe in God or follow a religion.

Any of the above I mentioned any good?Or I'm i just chatting rubbish? ??Sorry if ain't helpful.Good luck hope things work out for you all the best.

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
over a year ago

Stockport

Two years, one month and six days since my mum passed. In the family fall out following, it has become highly unlikely that i will ever talk to my siblings again - not my fault. I have however become closer to my father than i ever was. I struggled along through grief and increasing depression for six months, before exploding at work and shouting at my co-workers to go fuck themselves. Only then did i realise that i needed medical help. Two months of sick leave with stress, anxiety, depression and grief. Started on sertraline anti-depressants. Was lucky enough to be able to get some counselling sessions from a charitable trust.

For me the grief hasn't gone away, but it's moved to the background. I'm still on the anti-deps. I'm coping. I've been very lucky that my work has been accomodating and allowed me to move to a part time basis (with pro-rata drop in salary), i really couldn't handle full time anymore, although i am now slowly increasing my hours again.

Friends from here have helped a lot. Through the forums i have come to know a few people who have been through similar or different traumatic experiences, providing mutual support to each other.

I don't think that there is any easy way, or "right" way of dealing with this sort of thing, everybody struggles along in their own way. But there are plenty of folk here who will help if they can. Sending you virtual hugs sparkle. Polly xx

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By *ear in the chairMan
over a year ago

yeah there

When I lost someone close I wanted to share my grief, maybe make it less personal but also more personal at the same time. I took some time off work and arranged lots of days out with friends to visit places my loved one liked or knew. I talked about him to them for weeks almost like a zealot but they had the patience with me to let me rant and cry and grieve. Slowly it was easier to let go but his memory was stronger with others so kept a little more of him alive in others hearts and minds.

Hugs Sparkles x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i took 2years to get over my gf death but its true time heals all

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By *elnkazCouple
over a year ago

cheshire

Sparkles i tried to pm you. But we are blocked... pm me ..k

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By *averockrockMan
over a year ago

swindon

Don’t hold up memories...cherish them and let the feelings come out...and more that anything just talk about it and about your feelings, that definitely helps! Or at least it does for me

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

Op firstly love and hugs to you xx

Second inconsiderate people, unfortunately when something like this happens you feel that everyone should feel the same and you find it really difficult to understand how everyone can go about their daily routines because inside your shouting at the top of your voice

PLEASE STOP .

You want to feel better and carry on like normal but you just can't seem to go longer than a few minutes without starting to think about them again,so this feeling of falling apart is perfectly fine it means that you are grieving.

The thing that always get me is the feeling of guilt about doing something normal.

I can't offer any advice that's going to help other than everyone heals differently and you do what you think is right to get you through this process just know that you are not alone despite how it may feel we may be total strangers on the other side of a LCD screen but we all send peace and love to you xx

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

It is not easy and everyone copes in different ways. I tend to keep myself very busy. Life is cruel and some can be taken away too soon but always focus on the good times you shared.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

You had all that love for more than 30 years. He made you loving and strong. He wants you to be happy in life and to take happiness to others.

It's natural to grieve. It's turmoil and re adjustment.

You will never get over it. None of us do but the pain becomes more bearable over time. Your focus on life will increase a little day by day and then VOOM you'll drop and lose focus and in a blink pick yourself up over and over.

He didn't expect to outlive his child but he did expect them to grieve and have good memories to keep them going.

Never forget he is within you and everything you do. xx

I have lost a baby.

My mother

My nephew

My daughter

My husband

Death is but part of life that more people should think about as they live day to day and moment to moment.

I wish you the strength to have happiness, every day.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now"

So sorry you are going through this and feeling this way.

You have to slow down, be kind to yourself and really take each dday as it comes. Be selfish and do what you feel you need to do. There is no right or wrong.

Just don't bottle it up.

I lost my Dad when I was 21 and 6 months pregnant, had a years counselling help me because I lost him when I needed him the most.

It will be hard, you will have days where you feel ok and others where you feel like you are taking a step back.

It does get easier, more bearable. Can't say you won't ever stop grieving but I promise it does get easier.

Lots of love and hugs to you x

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"You had all that love for more than 30 years. He made you loving and strong. He wants you to be happy in life and to take happiness to others.

It's natural to grieve. It's turmoil and re adjustment.

He didn't expect to outlive his child but he did expect them to grieve and have good memories to keep them going.

Never forget he is within you and everything you do. xx

I have lost a baby.

My mother

My nephew

My daughter

My husband

Death is but part of life that more people should think about as they live day to day and moment to moment.

I wish you the strength to have happiness, every day."

Sorry DAD.... fucks sake ! Good job he had a sense of humour ...

Yeeeeeeeees you went too.... get back in your box....

Christ he was the BIGGEST influence in my life and I leave him off the list

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your Dads physical body has gone and that is indeed a sad sad fact but your Dad hopefully with always be with you and nothing can change that ever.

He is in your heart and in your head and always in pictures or videos and he will always live on in people’s stories and memories.

Talk talk talk to any one who knew him and always remember him.

Stay strong and best of luck.

My mum shuffled off 46 years ago when I was ten but I think of that crazy bi-sexual beautiful woman every single day because no matter what happened or what she did she was and still is my mum.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so down.

My father chose to leave us, unexpectedly, the day after Father’s Day 35 years ago. He got up early, drove a few miles and found a place to kill himself.

Like you, I adored my dad, he was my world. I didn’t realise how much grief could hurt, physically and mentally, and if I’m honest it took me years to get to a point where I could cope. It changed me permanently.

I’m not going to repeat the many platitudes that exist because they don't help, but you will gradually adapt and cope. You’ll be able to look back without bursting into tears, to get up in the morning without wondering what the point is. It’s a long road but it’s worth the journey.

Should you need an ear or a shoulder, like other kind souls here, I’m happy to help and understand. Take strength from wherever you can find it. Xx

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Ive lost both parents in the last two years.

I6ve I've learnt grief isn't a linear journey, you don't start at one end and end up at the other, job done.

Recent article I read said the amount of grief stays constant, it just depends how how effective your coping mechanismd (and other distractions) are.

That makes sense to me.

Hug of support to you OP.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Have you thought about contacting Cruise bereavement care?

I can't add to the advice already given, but I truly feel for you

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By *WillowxWoman
over a year ago

Oo err Devon

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

I went to see a... Life counsellor... therapist... Whatever you want to call her... I thought I was okay.. But I wasn't... That was the hard bit.. Realising I was coping... Not living... Ans she absolutely changed my way of dealing with pain, emotions especially thoose things out of my control... But she also taught me how to look after myself... It was an investment as money is not flowing but.. Life changing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply xx

It's been 4 months and some days it gets me more than others. Made me realise how much I relied on him to fix life or just know that he could if I couldn't, not quite sure how to do that now without him.

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By *orthantsblueeyesMan
over a year ago

Northampton

June 2013 my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

September 2013 he was gone.

3 months seems like a long time, but to see someone normally so strong you love deteriorate that quickly was heartbreaking.

Not a single day goes by when I don't think about him. Every now and again I question myself too:

Was I there enough?

Did he understand our last conversation or even know I was there?

Was he in pain when he passed?

I guess these are normal things to think about, but after 6 years I still don't know the answers and I really wish I did.

Recently I also lost my grandad (dad's dad) who's death and funeral service brought back the same emotions and questions. I rest slightly easier knowing they are together again now and are both without pain.

Regardless of what site this is I have no issues showing my emotions. I also will ALWAYS lend an ear to anyone who needs one, which people who have conversed with me before know.

Life can be so, SO shit sometimes - but everyone please:

Take care of yourselves (and)

Take care of each other

Sending

to all who need it. We are all in this life together

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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago

Serendipity

The way it was explained to me which helped a lot in the beginning. When you first lose someone, the grief is so intense that if you put it in a bucket, it would overflow. The bucket would never hold it. As time passes, it does lessen, but it’s no quick fix and eventually the bucket will hold it.

I’m not sure there’s a certain way to deal with it, you have to take it one day at a time. I hope you have family and friends you can speak to about it too.

Writing can be cathartic, writing down what you would like to have said to the person you’ve lost. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As much as continuing seems impossible, remember the person that's lost, would really want you to be happy, strong and in the best way, I've been told focusing energy on stuff away from what's happened and busy is a good healer, also maybe creating a challenge for yourself like a sponsored walk, run, raising money for charity that may of gone through the same thing as your loved one, which will keep your energies focused, proactive and it supports people in the same boat, make sure you surround yourself around the right people, be there for others and be that voice for them too.. Sorry for your loss, as much as it seems impossible in the early stages, I can assure you it does get easier, I don't think there's a cure for loss, but you learn to accept it more, thoughts are with you xx

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

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By *ovegames42Man
over a year ago

london

"I just need to figure out a way of either bringing my dad back or living life without him, the former seems more possible right now"

I lost my fathers few years ago.

I would give up absolutely everything to have him back in my life, but i know that’s never going to happen.

As hard as it has been to come to terms with him not being around at least I know he is no longer in pain and suffering.

He was old school putting everyone before himself right up until the end and I miss him dearly. “ so grief is never easy “. We get used to it.

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By *ovegames42Man
over a year ago

london

"As much as continuing seems impossible, remember the person that's lost, would really want you to be happy, strong and in the best way, I've been told focusing energy on stuff away from what's happened and busy is a good healer, also maybe creating a challenge for yourself like a sponsored walk, run, raising money for charity that may of gone through the same thing as your loved one, which will keep your energies focused, proactive and it supports people in the same boat, make sure you surround yourself around the right people, be there for others and be that voice for them too.. Sorry for your loss, as much as it seems impossible in the early stages, I can assure you it does get easier, I don't think there's a cure for loss, but you learn to accept it more, thoughts are with you xx

Such wonderful words

How do you do it? How is it possible?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry for your loss.

I lost my 17 year old son last year and I still struggle with a lot of day to day things. A counsellor has helped me massively along with the support of friends and family.

Believe it or not but I've found this site to be a major help for taking my mind off things. Theres something about talking and meeting with women that really helps me through it.

Things will get easier for you with time. You'll never be the same and you'll never forget him but it will become easier.x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

TYSM LoveGames, my heart goes out to all 3 xoxo

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By *om and BarbaraCouple
over a year ago

Moreton in Marsh

Is it possible for you to get counselling?

For me it helped so much and while the grief was still there, it helped me cope with every day life too xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry for your loss OP x

It sounds like you might need some grief counselling- if you look online there are lots of services available even online forums etc .

I have had a lot of deaths in my family and time is the only thing that helped.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, you do it how it works for you, We are all different.xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m so sorry for your loss. I use this site and forum as a distraction. It’s my besties 2 year death anniversary next month and his sons 1 year on the same date. I’m at the point now where I feel ready to talk to someone for grief counselling. I coped with my bestie by ignoring it to focus on his son, sadly I was unable to stop his final attempt, so delayed the grieving again as I lost my grandad and had an inquest to face. Now I know I need support as I’m having to grieve the loss of three men I loved and cherished. There is no time limit to grief, no set pattern, just take the time and the support given, avoid negative coping strategies and tell yourself that at some point the pain won’t be as hard to cope with. Use this forum, any forum that helps, everyone has experienced grief, we’re no different on here. Sending healing hugs to you and all who need one x

Viv xx

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By *ylvie 888Woman
over a year ago

Cleethorpes

I have never dealt with grief. As a child when I lost my first friend... my mum would never allow grief to be expressed. I always have to be strong. When my son died age 11 weeks 25ish years ago, my husband grieved and I held everything together... after about 6 months when I felt it may be safe for me to Express some grief he told me I 'should be finished grieving now! It was 6 months ago!' My youngest daughter (in her 20's now, has a long term condition and is on limited life and I know when something happens to her there is no way any grief can be managed; and I wouldnt know how to or if I would want to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/03/20 09:05:59]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Theres no quick fix or formula, unfortunately, sending hugs. Counselling may help. Time dulls the pain, I have found. If you are struggling day to day, see your gp as first point of call x

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By *ovegames42Man
over a year ago

london

My heart goes out to all of you. These forums can be a great help being able to talk others, especially when at times you feel closed in.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

So sorry to read your post OP. Firstly massive hugs to you.

Secondly, there is no simple answer on how to deal with grief. There is no right or wrong way and there is no time limit on grief. Everyone is different.

Most important you hsve to lwy your grief out somehow, don't push it deep down and carry on as if you are ok as it will destroy you. Talk to your close friends, talk about the person you've sadly lost, cry, scream, laugh, do whatever you feel you need to. Keeping yourself busy helps, even though you may feel like mot doing anything, surround yourself with good friends who can make you smile through your tears. Try and do some exercise to distract the mind and release the feel good hormones.

Whatever you are feeling now will pass, in time. Time is the greatest healer. Until then please look after yourself. The person you have sadly lost would want you to be happy in life. Try and do that when you feel uou are strong enough to and remember them with a smile on your face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m very sorry for your loss Sparkles and am glad to see that you’ve started this thread. Grief and how we cope with it is so personal but I do believe the first step is reaching out, talking about it and then devising a coping mechanism that works for you.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"So sorry to read your post OP. Firstly massive hugs to you.

Secondly, there is no simple answer on how to deal with grief. There is no right or wrong way and there is no time limit on grief. Everyone is different.

Very much this. I'm so sorry for your loss x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nobody can tell you how to deal with the grief you're feeling.

All we can do is probably tell you of our experiences and how we did or didn't cope with loss.

Somewhere in the comments will be the right blend that will hopefully help you a little along the way with coping.

Sorry I can't be of any help directly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

Hi lovely, think you've mentioned some of your problems before on here, everything takes time. I lost both my parents at different times in my 20's and it hurt like hell, but the old saying of times a great healer is right. Just have to hold on in there and everything should come good eventually. Been to some dark places myself and been on all the medications but I'm now kinda myself again.

If you ever need a chat away from the forums contact us, really isn't an issue. Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took quite a lot of comfort from

those who could empathise rather than sympathise for some reason I guess knowing that I wasnt the only person to go through it helped because it made me feel less secluded, and seeing how strong they were and how they'd put their lives back together gave me hope and determination to carry on. It's a long a dark winding road back but friends new and old will be the streetlights that guide you and light the way, sending you my hugs and thoughts, and hoping that soon you will shine as brightly as you once did. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

There is no definitive way of coping, there is only your way, and whatever your way Is, it's ok for you.

Anything you are feeling is valid, it's ok to cry, scream, curse, or whatever.

It will take time and it will never go away, but you will find it easier to deal with, and you will be able to look back on memories with a smile.

Sending you hugs

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I took quite a lot of comfort from

That's really lovely, thank you xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

If you ever need a chat away from the forums contact us, really isn't an issue. Good luck

Yeah I've talked about my dad on here before, I don't hide it. Had a wobble last night and didn't know where to turn, I knew reaching out on here would help because I've met and spoken to some genuinely lovely people on here xx I'm sorry for your loss and thank you xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I took quite a lot of comfort from

That's really lovely, thank you xx"

Anytime sparkles, try to remember theres always someone you can reach out to no matter how dark the night someone will be there to light your path.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I can't reply individually to everyone but I really do appreciate everyone that has taken the time to reply and all your kind words. I have good days and bad days unfortunately there's been a lot of crappy days just lately for other reasons which amplifies the grief. It's all stuff I would go to my dad about and he would help me sort it. I have got the details of someone to talk to now and will hopefully pluck up the courage to call on Monday xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can't reply individually to everyone but I really do appreciate everyone that has taken the time to reply and all your kind words. I have good days and bad days unfortunately there's been a lot of crappy days just lately for other reasons which amplifies the grief. It's all stuff I would go to my dad about and he would help me sort it. I have got the details of someone to talk to now and will hopefully pluck up the courage to call on Monday xx"

I wish you all the best. Speaking to someone was the biggest move I made and it has helped me loads. Send me a PM if you want to chat further.x

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By *ovegames42Man
over a year ago

london

[Removed by poster at 07/03/20 10:16:39]

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By *ovegames42Man
over a year ago

london

I wish you all the best. Speaking to someone was the biggest move I made and it has helped me loads. Send me a PM if you want to chat further.x"

Your father will always be around you. The wind in your hair, the sun on your face and the breeze in the air, He will always be there.

I feel my fathers presence around me everyday

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

There isn't one answer but I think the best that you can do after the death of your dad is to make him proud of you when he's looking down.

He wouldn't want your life to fall apart through his passing as it would hurt him.

Good luck x

I hope I make you proud Dad,

Even though you're no longer here,

Your memory grows stronger with every passing year.

At the end it was a battle, one you weren't to win.

A fight against a demon, no choice but to give in.

I wish I could've said goodbye, that morning when you left,

Told you you were my hero and that you were the best.

Tears I cry in secret at night before I sleep,

Wishing you were beside me, you'd be forever here to keep.

The years don't make it easier; they said the pain would go.

It seems I've just got better not letting my feelings show.

Wishing I could hold your hand to shout your name aloud.

You're no longer here, Dad, but I hope I make you proud.

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By *DreamOfGenieWoman
over a year ago

London

For myself, understanding that I will never 'get over it' was a game changer - understanding that, instead, that grief becomes a part of you. That it's ok to change, to see the world a bit differently, and for it to alter life experiences.

Over time, grief has taken a different form, and now those memories take a positive hue and affect different areas of my life in different ways (sometimes very unexpected ones!).

The sadness can still reappear though sometimes, and that's fine. It's all part of it. Our lives are richer for knowing those people, so it's natural that they will affect our lives after death as well as during life.

I wish you all the best OP. It won't go away, but it does get easier, and the happy memories soon start to shine through the sadness. Xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"There isn't one answer but I think the best that you can do after the death of your dad is to make him proud of you when he's looking down.

He wouldn't want your life to fall apart through his passing as it would hurt him.

Good luck x

I hope I make you proud Dad,

Even though you're no longer here,

Your memory grows stronger with every passing year.

At the end it was a battle, one you weren't to win.

A fight against a demon, no choice but to give in.

I wish I could've said goodbye, that morning when you left,

Told you you were my hero and that you were the best.

Tears I cry in secret at night before I sleep,

Wishing you were beside me, you'd be forever here to keep.

The years don't make it easier; they said the pain would go.

It seems I've just got better not letting my feelings show.

Wishing I could hold your hand to shout your name aloud.

You're no longer here, Dad, but I hope I make you proud.

That's so lovely, made me cry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my big brother and my hero 3yrs ago and the pain is still there every day. I find small steps. Take pride in the small things. You got out of bed today be proud of that maybe 2morrow you might feel you can get dressed. Take your time look after you. Cry wen you want to vent wen you need to and ignore any 1 who says that there is a time limit to grief, honestly there isn't. Remember you are a strong beautiful person and the strong beautiful person you are grieving for is with you every step of the way in your heart and mind xx (mrs)

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By *he Little Fuck MachineMan
over a year ago

Co.Antrim

There is no rhyme nor reason, right or wrong or even logic to dealing with grief sometimes. I do whatever I can however I can to get through it. However, in the past a lot of my coping mechanisms and strategies were detrimental and at times nothing more than self destructive. Whatever methods or strategies you use to cope just try and make sure they are healthy, safe and good for your Mental, Emotional and Physical health.

Procrastinating can be very effective but can also lead to prolonging the denial and burying/bottling up emotions. Distraction, distraction, distraction.

Surround yourself with positive people, animals or immerse yourself in things that are beneficial to you.

I’ve been grieving for the past week and my current approach has been to spend my time alone as at the moment that is what I need. I’m not ready for reflection or analysing things so just doing nothing, thinking about nothing and basically being in a bubble is how I’m coping atm.

As many have said counselling definitely helps and Cruise are a fantastic organisation.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

My thoughts are with you Sparkles at this sad point in your life xx

Might I throw in the following suggestion - treat yourself to a really nice note book, keep it at hand and write things in the book about your memories of your Dad, the things you’d like to tell him but no longer can and comments you want to remember.

This might also help a little:

Death is nothing at all.

It does not count.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.

I am I, and you are you,

and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.

Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

There is absolute and unbroken continuity.

What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just round the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before.

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

D. C . X

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By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago

Masked and Distant

There is no right way to deal with grief. Grief is very personal.

After my dad died I dealt with it by remembering the funny, kind, nice, stupid or silly things he used to say and do. It didn't make his passing easier but it's nice to picture him having fun.

Even when he was in his coffin we had a smile, dressed in his holiday clothes and with his darts in his top pocket.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Everyone different. No one really understands. You're just going to have to take time to work through it.

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By *isstinseltoesWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

Sorry your struggling op

I had 3 losses of my closest family within 4.5 years ,pretty much broke me

I've had counselling which was a massive help,would this be something you would maybe consider?

Loss and how we deal with it varies,but its normal to struggle losing someone you loved so much.

Cruse bereavement charity can be a big help too and have volunteers who can help you try and work things through.

Hope you start to feel better ,you can always pm me if you need a chat xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

I don't particularly care if this post scares away potential meets there is more to life than sex. Some of you may think that Fab is the not the right place for this but we are a community and I know there are people on here that care. My life is falling apart right now."
No one can really tell anyone else how to deal with grief. It affects everyone differently in many ways. You have to deal with it in your own way and time. However long it takes. Counselling can help some people too. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just past the 4 year mark now since my dad passed. I can quite safely say that biggest healer of all is time. Time has made it easier and easier.

I'm still reminded of him nearly every day by things I come across, only it's with a smile.

Sparkles, you WILL get to the same level, I promise you. Xx

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By *ustfun001Man
over a year ago

East Sussex

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

Hey OP, sorry to hear it...

We are a community and we are here for more than sex... I don’t know if there is 1 answer that get over it, I don’t think you ever do, I lost 3 people very close to me in 3 ,on this I was a wreck and some days I still am.. all I can say it remember to good times and talk about it on bad days, have a cry it’s OK to be sad . I wish I could give you hug LOl ...

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By *rghYeTimbersMan
over a year ago

Ipswich

Actually fab is an ok place to talk about grief, grief takes many forms from bereavement to life of a long term relationship. Everyone copes and is affected differently and this can change each time people face an emotional situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my mum & sister within weeks of eachother. They say times a healer but the hurt doesnt go away. You just learn to deal with them not there anymore. Well not physically anyway xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had 4 bereavements in 4 months and I'm struggling too. It comes in waves or a series of highs and lows. Initially my lows lasted days but they are a little less frequent now. Things set me off, a smell, a song, something on the TV and I sob. But I know I have to let the grief out. Talking to someone professional definitely helps and I would recommend that to you Op and wish you all the best in getting some help. Sending a hug x

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By *he Devils Daughter!Woman
over a year ago

some where in yorkshire

OP , I’m so sorry to hear how your feeling and what you are going through , I lost my dad last June suddenly n the grief was horrendous I never thought I would be able to get over it or live without him but it very slowly eases little by little may that be day by day or month by month I still have really bad days n it makes me so upset but I’m having more good days lately than bad if u need a chat don’t hesitate to private message me please stay strong xx

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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay

First of all you are perfectly fine to post and ask here. It's a forum and a really good place to shout out and get a good varied response from the people who want to support if they can offer some wisdom or comfort.

From my experience of loss and grief I can share what I know. You will find your own way .. grief is deeply personal and very much part of life.

Tiny steps, strip your world back to create space to grieve.

Your process and your response is NEVER wrong.. give yourself permission and space to flow with whatever is present in you.

Tell your loved ones what you need from them when you have clarity to do so.

Give yourself Huge amounts of self compassion.

Remember we all suffer loss and grief at some point in life .. if this is a comfort to you, remind yourself often that you are not alone in your suffering.

Surround yourself with love and the things you love.

I found that I made a space in my house and garden where I would go to 'process'. When i was there my kids and family knew to leave me be or ask me if I needed anything.

When you feel overwhelmed, try nature, a walk, breathe, squeeze your body...anything to keep you returning to your body and what you know is solid.

Try and let emotions come and go. Emotional release is so natural.

Nothing can prepare us for the loss we encounter in life, go so easy on yourself..you will live on and know more about life and yourself. Such pain comes from the purest of loves.

Bereavement counselling might be helpful, loss of this kind is a huge wave crashing on your shore and can be complex and layered.

Sending love to your grieving heart xxx

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By *onty1971Man
over a year ago

London St Helier Trier

Sparkles great that you posted this.

This is already a good step.

The wealth of experience is amazing from everyone who posted here.

I have lost both parents some time now. Time does dull the pain but it carries on hurting.

Thinking positively at the start and end of each day helps. So does remembering good things when that black moment comes into your mind. You want to push that out with the good memory.

Getting a cuddle or having a chat with someone you can discuss it with is great.

The good folks on Fab are open and honest. Don't all need to play. I have a couple of Ladies I have met who I only Social with and chat with.

Perhaps something similar with you.

Reach out to those here that seem to help the most.

Come back if you need more virtual support, pm chat or real life cup of tea chat with the right people.

Be good.

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By *ick_and_BickerCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

I've not read every response yet so Idon't know if anyone has mentioned what I'm about to post but it's helped me and many others. Just a little warning, it will make you cry, it makes everybody I know cry but with love and comfort.

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed.

You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you.

And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my dad in 2012 and my mum last year.. I think I pushed myself to carry on with life and I don't think I've ever really grieved fully. In a way I think I'm frightened to let myself.

I don't think my way is healty but it did allow me to function for my sons.

Be kind to yourself. There is no magic formula or right way. It's a cliche but time does help. Until then don't be afraid to tell people to back off if you need them to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

Trying to reply privately but unfortunately out of age range.

Happy to talk but due to sensitive subject I believe best discussed away from public gaze.

If you want to talk let me know x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my dad to cancer 16 year's ago this month. I does get easier. Even now i would do anything to have my dad back. Still upsets me sometimes. Specially when my daughter was born. She'll never get to meet my dad. He would of made an awesome grandad. That kills me. I also lost my mum last year in December. It's like i have to go through all the heart ache again. Talking about your loss to people will help. There's some lovely people on here. I'm here if you need to talk. Sorry for your loss xx

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By *uenevereWoman
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Everyone deals with grief in different ways and at a different pace.

For me, keeping busy and concentrating on the the things you loved about them helps.

I know that it feels that the world is ending, and things will never be right, but time does help.

You do reach a point where you remember things and smile, instead of crying.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My daughter (7) wrote me a letter from "Dead Grandpa" this morning, had me in tears, although he died Nov 17.

You get a new reality after losing someone, and it's a bit like a wound, that becomes a scar, grief. You always carry it with you, but it will heal and the scar will fade, in time.

The saddest thing, is I worry that I will forget his voice. No one else ever called me "love". Oops that's just brought up tears x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Reading all these posts. I'm in tears. Big fucking hugs to all of you xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm so sorry. My dad died 7 years ago yesterday, it still hurts. The first year was awful but it slowly got better over time, maybe a month before I stopped bursting into tears spontaneously. The fact that you're grieving so much is just a measure of how much you must love him. Nothing to be ashamed of not that you would be but remember he wouldn't want you to feel bad but it is only natural no matter how bad you feel.

There is nothing anyone can say that will really help and certainly not bring him back no matter how much you wish that, all I can say is that it will get better, time is a great healer and before you know it you'll think of him with a smile on your face instead of feeling like you've been torn in half, honestly

So sorry once again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One day at a time, and you are not disrespecting anyone.. your life is now on a different path.. that as brought you to here.. now your memories are for you .. hope it help..

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By *obin_and_marionMan
over a year ago

Beaconsfield

Sorry for your loss... Its tough and I really do know what you're going through...

Its a cliche but time does heal, remember the good times, do things to celebrate the life you had together, keep busy, make use of friends who are there for you.

And you'll find that even the loosest of friends and contacts can turn out to be the longest and most helpful.

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By *olly90Woman
over a year ago

Arbroath

If you work it out let me know. Grief is a strange one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At the moment I'm not doing well since beginning of Feb I've had 6 family and friends pass away two funerals last week one this week one week after couldn't get down south for one and can't get to other don't show it but times I'm in pieces good luck and hopefully you pull through it ok.

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By *urvySub87Woman
over a year ago

Near Wellingborough

There is no rushing the grieving process unfortunately. Give yourself as much time as you need and without hurting yourself do what you need to get through each day as it comes. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

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By *etanoiaWoman
over a year ago

Yorkshire

That is beautiful x

"My thoughts are with you Sparkles at this sad point in your life xx

This might also help a little:

Death is nothing at all.

It does not count.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.

I am I, and you are you,

and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.

Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

There is absolute and unbroken continuity.

What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just round the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before.

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

D. C . X "

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

This has just come up on my green arrow after being bumped yesterday and I'm so glad it did. Tomorrow is my dad's 1st anniversary and I'm absolutely dreading it. I've been in a foul mood all day and I can't see me being any better for the rest of the week. Reading these again has really helped, they've brought some tears but they've helped

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Hugs sparkly one ... your memories keep your dad in your heart xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

So sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. I found that doing exactly this can be a great help, as you say we are a community. Talking to people who've went through grief is one way I found to help me when I lost my parents. There is no easy way, only time and good friends can at least help ease some of pain.

I sincerely hope can find a way x

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"This has just come up on my green arrow after being bumped yesterday and I'm so glad it did. Tomorrow is my dad's 1st anniversary and I'm absolutely dreading it. I've been in a foul mood all day and I can't see me being any better for the rest of the week. Reading these again has really helped, they've brought some tears but they've helped

Here if you want to chat, you've got our number

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you do it? How is it possible?

My dad died begging of June and my step sister got killed a month b4. Grief effects people differently and I found that keeping myself busy helped me most. If I sat around feeling sorry for myself I just dwelled on what had happened. Its sad but its life you either carry on or give in. I know some people are stronger than others but your dad wouldn't want you to fall to pieces he'd want you to be strong . Hope you get through this terrible time. Also time is a great healer, not sayin you will get over your loss but the pain does subside . Try and remember the good times and if you want to cry then cry your heart out xx

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Big, big hugs xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my dad nearly 2 years ago, 5 days before his 82nd birthday and a week before Christmas.

We'd fallen out 7 years prior to that and we hadn't spoken in all that time.

I managed to have his last 2 hours with him but it was too little too late.

Lots of emotions and soul searching but, for me, my coping mechanism was based on the fact that I couldn't change a thing.

If a problem doesn't have a solution it becomes a fact of life and there's nothing you can do to change it.

Once I'd boxed that up I moved on.

Nearly 2 years on I still have a few moments but there's nothing I can do to change anything.

I really hope you have that moment. X

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

The witches are always there for you. It's okay to be in a foul mood. It's okay to be in any mood you're in. x

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By *irewolffMan
over a year ago

Dublin

Watching my mam take her last breath is for sure 1 of the most life changing moments in my life.

MsD

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Watching my mam take her last breath is for sure 1 of the most life changing moments in my life.

MsD"

I totally understand that.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't let anybody tell you how to grieve. Never feel guilty about crying. Turn to friends who have offered to help. You will get through this xxxx

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Hugs, deal with it in any way that gets you through the next few days x

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

"Watching my mam take her last breath is for sure 1 of the most life changing moments in my life.

MsD"

Absolutely

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you everyone

sending hugs to all those that need them too xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Grief can year you apart OP ,I lost my Dad then my Partner within six months of each other both totally unexpected and looking back I really don't know how I got threw it,it's just gone 6 years for my Dad

You just have to take one day at a time op, hugs x

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

I don’t I bury my head in sand and pretend it’s not happening..Not the best way to go about things I know ,and will probably affect me somewhere down the line but it works for me at this moment in time.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Don't let anybody tell you how to grieve. Never feel guilty about crying. Turn to friends who have offered to help. You will get through this xxxx"

Grief is so personal.

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

Time is the only real healer,

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By *nliveneTV/TS
over a year ago

Selby

Sending

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my dad passed I was worried because I didn’t feel I had grieved enough. In reflection I think I was just holding things back to get through the difficult days.

Soon after the funeral without reason grief hit me.

Grief is different for everyone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is quite an old post but I come across it today after searching.

I lost my dad almost two weeks ago & it’s the most strange feeling to know he won’t ever walk through the door again, or that I won’t hear his voice in real time.

I’m not much of a crier so I find myself daydreaming a lot going over the day he died in my head. I’ve hardly ever dealt with grief thankfully and this is the first person I’ve lost really close to me.

I’m only 27 so feel I’ve been robbed of so many years with my dad although he was in his 70s, full of life, far fitter and younger looking than so many his age but cancer took his last three months of life away.

Reading all the replies here really brings me comfort to know I’m not the only one dealing with this, that might sound silly but when you lose someone close to you it does feel like you’re the only one in the world dealing with it at that moment.

What a beautiful & tragic thing life is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is quite an old post but I come across it today after searching.

I lost my dad almost two weeks ago & it’s the most strange feeling to know he won’t ever walk through the door again, or that I won’t hear his voice in real time.

What a beautiful & tragic thing life is. "

I'm so sorry for your loss..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is quite an old post but I come across it today after searching.

I lost my dad almost two weeks ago & it’s the most strange feeling to know he won’t ever walk through the door again, or that I won’t hear his voice in real time.

What a beautiful & tragic thing life is.

I'm so sorry for your loss..

Thank you.

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