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"Popped to my local ‘Spoons’ for a coffee. There was a large group of young girls meeting for a hen weekend. Unfortunately, one of them coughed so now we are locked in for 14 days self confinement. My predicament? I will need a change of clothes including my best ‘pulling’ shirt & pants. Any volunteers?" they may all be carted off to local hospital before you get a chance to infiltrate them    | |||
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"Strip off. Use a few strategically placed menus ( two for the cock area of course )" Two??? Only a half-menu, for some of us... ?? | |||
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"I’d be more worried about the stigma of people finding out. I mean Wetherspoons, really?" Snob! You get two large G&T’s - Tanqueray! For under a tenner. | |||
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"I’d be more worried about the stigma of people finding out. I mean Wetherspoons, really?" Better then his usual spot the park bench white lightening in a black carrier bag  | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms." Good advice. Things have taken a turn for the worse. (or better?) They started off by referring to me as “Grandad” so I was quite safe. However, a few bottles of Prosecco in and they are starting to give me the eye. One even winked just now. I’m the only male in here with my own teeth & hair and without any form of walking aid. | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms." Which would be a lot handier than the alternative of trying to use the catering packs of individual sauces as condoms. Might chafe a bit | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms. Good advice. Things have taken a turn for the worse. (or better?) They started off by referring to me as “Grandad” so I was quite safe. However, a few bottles of Prosecco in and they are starting to give me the eye. One even winked just now. I’m the only male in here with my own teeth & hair and without any form of walking aid. " All I can do is advise you to brace for incoming and wish you luck. Look on it as a sacrifice. Good luck and don't weaken. | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms. Good advice. Things have taken a turn for the worse. (or better?) They started off by referring to me as “Grandad” so I was quite safe. However, a few bottles of Prosecco in and they are starting to give me the eye. One even winked just now. I’m the only male in here with my own teeth & hair and without any form of walking aid. " Seems like you’re sorted now. Just wait until she takes her hen night sash off, that’s the true sign she’s in it for the long haul. Although was that a wink or does she have conjunctivitis? | |||
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"Just turn the heating up and get naked, raid the condom machine and keep reapplying alcohol to your lips, all the makings of a cracking 2 weeks "Great advice thank you. I see you must have experienced something like this before? | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms. Which would be a lot handier than the alternative of trying to use the catering packs of individual sauces as condoms. Might chafe a bit" Yeah and the vinegar stings like a bitch er or so I've been told by someone who works in a chip shop and got caught short with the bloke who delivers the saveloys. | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms. Which would be a lot handier than the alternative of trying to use the catering packs of individual sauces as condoms. Might chafe a bit Yeah and the vinegar stings like a bitch er or so I've been told by someone who works in a chip shop and got caught short with the bloke who delivers the saveloys." That reminds me of the butchers boy that got the sack for putting his knob in the sausage maker. What did they do with the sausage maker I hear you ask? They sacked her as well! | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms. Which would be a lot handier than the alternative of trying to use the catering packs of individual sauces as condoms. Might chafe a bit Yeah and the vinegar stings like a bitch er or so I've been told by someone who works in a chip shop and got caught short with the bloke who delivers the saveloys. That reminds me of the butchers boy that got the sack for putting his knob in the sausage maker. What did they do with the sausage maker I hear you ask? They sacked her as well! "  | |||
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"Just turn the heating up and get naked, raid the condom machine and keep reapplying alcohol to your lips, all the makings of a cracking 2 weeks
Great advice thank you. I see you must have experienced something like this before?
"HaHa yes but usually somewhere hot and sunny | |||
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"OP it seems your luck has got even better. BBC and other (scaremongering, panic induced) media outlets have tracked down all the girls’ boyfriends. In an emotional message, one lad has said. “I’ll be here for you when you get out but in these hard times, it’s every girl for herself” so your conscience is now clear to start the next phase of your confinement. Be brave and remember it’s spirit like yours that got us through two world wars " Understood. So it’s like I’m providing a service. Right, so my conscience is clear then but the challenge now is a logistical one. Who’s first? I guess I need to make a list. I also need to consider recovery time, taking into account I’m in for the long haul here. Easy start - there’s a Kylie lookalike!!! | |||
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"How fit are they and is the beer free " Beer not free but cheap and plentiful. Although of course I need to pace myself. The hen ladies are all gorgeous. I thought for a while they were from abroad as I struggled to understand them, they are Geordies! The bride is lovely and has her mum with her. | |||
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"How fit are they and is the beer free Beer not free but cheap and plentiful. Although of course I need to pace myself. The hen ladies are all gorgeous. I thought for a while they were from abroad as I struggled to understand them, they are Geordies! The bride is lovely and has her mum with her. " Thats your starting point right there, the kylie look a like will need to wait until the brides motheris taken care of.  | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms. Good advice. Things have taken a turn for the worse. (or better?) They started off by referring to me as “Grandad” so I was quite safe. However, a few bottles of Prosecco in and they are starting to give me the eye. One even winked just now. I’m the only male in here with my own teeth & hair and without any form of walking aid. " Make sure you have an exit handy, hen do's can get a bit lively.. And if you have to take one for the team, don't let them video it and treat you like a piece of meat.. | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms. Good advice. Things have taken a turn for the worse. (or better?) They started off by referring to me as “Grandad” so I was quite safe. However, a few bottles of Prosecco in and they are starting to give me the eye. One even winked just now. I’m the only male in here with my own teeth & hair and without any form of walking aid. Make sure you have an exit handy, hen do's can get a bit lively.. And if you have to take one for the team, don't let them video it and treat you like a piece of meat.. " Oh, well done you. I was looking forward to the whole thing now I’m worried. Lively? Video? Piece of meat? What a way to go though! Would I count as a victim of the virus if fucked to death? | |||
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"Can't you get the stuff flown in by copter? Don't forget to request a catering pack of condoms. Good advice. Things have taken a turn for the worse. (or better?) They started off by referring to me as “Grandad” so I was quite safe. However, a few bottles of Prosecco in and they are starting to give me the eye. One even winked just now. I’m the only male in here with my own teeth & hair and without any form of walking aid. Make sure you have an exit handy, hen do's can get a bit lively.. And if you have to take one for the team, don't let them video it and treat you like a piece of meat.. Oh, well done you. I was looking forward to the whole thing now I’m worried. Lively? Video? Piece of meat? What a way to go though! Would I count as a victim of the virus if fucked to death? " Don't be too worried, having seen that there from Newcastle if they decide your prey nothing will save you so just go with it.. | |||
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"WAIT !! let's go back to the beginning,"Wetherspoons"!!!! 14 days !!! You could try digging your way out , or even build a glider in the loft and fly out but when your out never return and for rhe love of god never admit to going there!!! As for the lady's "more fish in the sea" Xx Xx Good luck Xx Xx " But this is a classy Spoons - the Rose & Crown in Maldon. | |||
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"Breaking news. The wedding was meant to be tomorrow. As the groom can't get to her apparently someone is swearing in the landlord as a vicar and it looks like you're getting hitched OP. Congrats!!!!
A"Even better news. It seems that Tim Marten was in the building and he will perform your wedding. It turns out he was visiting that branch with his mate Nigel; who has volunteered to be best man for you.... as long as he can keep holding his pint | |||
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"Breaking news. The wedding was meant to be tomorrow. As the groom can't get to her apparently someone is swearing in the landlord as a vicar and it looks like you're getting hitched OP. Congrats!!!!
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Even better news. It seems that Tim Marten was in the building and he will perform your wedding. It turns out he was visiting that branch with his mate Nigel; who has volunteered to be best man for you.... as long as he can keep holding his pint"well that’s done it. With all the worry I’ve been struggling to maintain an erection, with the image of a grinning Nige, pint in hand, I’ve no hope. I may need to call for help? | |||
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"Breaking news. The wedding was meant to be tomorrow. As the groom can't get to her apparently someone is swearing in the landlord as a vicar and it looks like you're getting hitched OP. Congrats!!!!
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Even better news. It seems that Tim Marten was in the building and he will perform your wedding. It turns out he was visiting that branch with his mate Nigel; who has volunteered to be best man for you.... as long as he can keep holding his pint well that’s done it. With all the worry I’ve been struggling to maintain an erection, with the image of a grinning Nige, pint in hand, I’ve no hope. I may need to call for help? "Don’t worry, a big bus has just turned up outside with some slogan on it hurriedly sprayed over. Meanwhile Nigel is questioning all the Geordies as he doesn’t believe it’s only fake tan they have. | |||
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"Breaking news. The wedding was meant to be tomorrow. As the groom can't get to her apparently someone is swearing in the landlord as a vicar and it looks like you're getting hitched OP. Congrats!!!!
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Even better news. It seems that Tim Marten was in the building and he will perform your wedding. It turns out he was visiting that branch with his mate Nigel; who has volunteered to be best man for you.... as long as he can keep holding his pint well that’s done it. With all the worry I’ve been struggling to maintain an erection, with the image of a grinning Nige, pint in hand, I’ve no hope. I may need to call for help?
Don’t worry, a big bus has just turned up outside with some slogan on it hurriedly sprayed over.
Meanwhile Nigel is questioning all the Geordies as he doesn’t believe it’s only fake tan they have. "That’s a relief. Get those guys away and we can get down to business. The ladies are getting restless what with all the Prosecco. | |||
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"Still going strong. About to run out of toilet rolls though. Anyone have any spare? " Only got 99 rols.. sorry none spare... | |||
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"Still going strong. About to run out of toilet rolls though. Anyone have any spare? " Right if you go behind the bar.... Done that? cool. Now you’ll see a gun on a hose. Don’t select the Coke button, that’s a bit sticky. Use the soda one and get a lovely frothy clean. | |||
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