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Mental abuse from partner

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By *inkster666 OP   Man
over a year ago

kinky

Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "
yes its a form of bullying stop it in its infancy or it will only get worse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Let's ask Johnny Depp.

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By *moothdickMan
over a year ago

stoke

It can certainly distort yr rationale in the short term, don’t know about long term, yet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Of course it does, and it affects you in ways you don’t even understand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Let's ask Johnny Depp. "
was he bullied too?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It definitely can.

Mental abuse from anyone can leave deep rooted scars

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes. Absolutely it can.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

100%.

always will affect you, in a multitude of ways you'll never be able to fully understand.

i know im all kinds of fucked up because of it.

but i also know im not alone.

Prin

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By *latinumkittenWoman
over a year ago

from Home Counties to Middle Earth

Mental abuse is horrid. It can affect confidence and behaviours.

All these things can be unlearned and undone, when the person is ready, with kindness and focussing on things that take the person to a better state of mind however that works for them.

There's lots of support out there, in various forms.

Big hugs if it's you x

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By *inkster666 OP   Man
over a year ago

kinky

Has anyone on this thread been affected by it

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By *angOnBunnyCouple
over a year ago

Ipswich

Definitely. Sometimes you don't recognise it for what is is until you get clear and have to rebuild yourself. But it certainly does massively affect

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By *angOnBunnyCouple
over a year ago

Ipswich


"Has anyone on this thread been affected by it "

Yes, both of us in previous relationships. It is not restricted to male or female, happens both ways. It's why we have a very deep understanding of each other

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bruises heal but words stick in the mind

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve only recently coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship, so I’m still realising the full affects of it. It’s like being on a rollercoaster at times.

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By *inky Biscuit DunkerMan
over a year ago

Gloucestershire


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Of course it does!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It only takes a few, words from your partner to but a downer on your day

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By *oxychicWoman
over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

Of course it effects the person long term mental is worse than physical abuse the bruises broken bones heal the mental kinda sticks with u for awhile having been through both a long time ago which resulted in him going to prison was the best day of my life big hugs to anyone going through it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It does. Emotional abuse is used to gain power and control in a relationship. The abuse may take a number of forms, such as : insulting, criticising, threatening, gaslighting, ridiculing, shaming, intimidating, swearing, name-calling, lying, belittling and ignoring. In time, possibly in years, this too will pass. God bless

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Of course, of course , of course. I have CPTSD from a relationship with a cluster B/narciccist - but counselling and self care really helped. Having said that, it's not knocked my confidence in myself as a person although I did learn a lot about myself whilst I was helped to unpick all of his behaviours. I learned a lot about me too. He is well in my past and as I went no contact I'm at the stage where I am indifferent to him now. I'd just flat ignore him like a stranger I have no interest in interacting with. I do however hope I never bump into him to even ignore him.

Why do you ask

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

God yes. ;-(

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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago

Serendipity

Very much so, I spent a long time avoiding men after my marriage ended. My self esteem was run into the ground. You have to learn to love yourself again.

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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL

I can confirm it does.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

big time!!!

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By *uciyassMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Of course it is. It’s the worst kind of abuse. Scars heal mental scars don’t they stay with your for a life time

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By *ifeandhubby400Couple
over a year ago

Arse hole of nowhere ,Scotland

100% my first hubby made me feel like nothing ,thank god i had the guts to leave and hubby no2 spent years building my confidence back up and im a better woman for it ,but its not noticed by others as he just chipped away at me for 10 years ,never again ...

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By *latinumkittenWoman
over a year ago

from Home Counties to Middle Earth


"Has anyone on this thread been affected by it "

Yes, over many years.

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford


"Has anyone on this thread been affected by it

Yes, over many years. "

Me too and I know plenty of others.

They tell you that you’re not good enough, after a while they don’t need to tell you - you tell yourself.

It can be sorted out with love and a good therapist but don’t underestimate it - it’s a big task

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

Yes, physical scares faded mental ones don't.

They can hit you when you least expect it.

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Yes it most definitely does and don't fully realise it until you're away from the situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yes it most definitely does and don't fully realise it until you're away from the situation. "

Also this, how obvious it becomes once you’ve stepped away

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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL


"Has anyone on this thread been affected by it

Yes, over many years. "

Yup.

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford


"Yes it most definitely does and don't fully realise it until you're away from the situation.

Also this, how obvious it becomes once you’ve stepped away "

.

Yesss

You wonder why you endured for as long as you did and hate the part of you that still wishes things could have been different with them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yes it most definitely does and don't fully realise it until you're away from the situation.

Also this, how obvious it becomes once you’ve stepped away

.

Yesss

You wonder why you endured for as long as you did and hate the part of you that still wishes things could have been different with them. "

Yes, also how stupid you feel, even though so many people say that’s what happened to them too.

Hugs to you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It takes a long time to get over and if you have children with that person it continues

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Definitely! The scars it leaves are harder to heal, and what’s said stays with you. You can’t forget what someone has said to cause you pain. People say it’s just words, but words can cause more damage than many can comprehend xx

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By *lan157Man
over a year ago

a village near Haywards Heath in East Sussex


"Yes it most definitely does and don't fully realise it until you're away from the situation.

Also this, how obvious it becomes once you’ve stepped away "

Sometimes it's not immediately obvious when you have stepped away until someone points it out to you that what you went through was actually abuse .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex thought that because he didn’t hit me, it was ok. I have major trust issues over things he did, and my confidence is rock bottom at times.

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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago

Plymouth

Of course it does. My mum still struggles now after 6 years out.

Also it has an impact on any children witnessing it. I was one of these children and it's not nice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had it in my first marriage, saw the signs early and ignored them. I even once had to turn down a job promotion as it involved working with too many women, and forget any nights out, constant texts and phone calls.

Let's just say she's no longer around

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Of course it does.

I suffered mental abuse from an ex. It sent me on a downward spiral and into depression.

Such abuse has now been criminalised.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Has anyone on this thread been affected by it "

yes I was married to a narcissist (psychologist confirmed) 9 years divorced, still single and rebuilding/repairing myself

we share children so the games/abuse never stop

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I had it in my first marriage, saw the signs early and ignored them. I even once had to turn down a job promotion as it involved working with too many women, and forget any nights out, constant texts and phone calls.

Let's just say she's no longer around "

Similar to what I went through in my first relationship. The accusations just got ridiculous.. In the long run I think it's made me a stronger person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hell yeah. I don't trust at all.

8 years with a gas lighting sociopath (and no I don't label lightly) will do that to a person. A friend who works in mental health signposted me to that term.

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By *ensual mMan
over a year ago

conwy

I dont dislike much in this world but abuse of any kind really hits my bottons. Ive had a female friend show up at my door covered in petrol where her other half had threatned to set her alight before she ran to my house.also had a girl i fostered being mentally abused by her partner. He was so bad he was imprisoned for 14 months. So ive seen the impact it has on people and some take longer than others to recover. But this subject really and truly gets my blood boiling

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Yes it does. It affects a person in ways that they don't understand and can't tell.

I was mentally abused in my marriage and had a controlling relationship after, it's affected me in ways that only now I'm starting to understand and work through.

Part of the issue is that the damage doesn't show until you're in a situation which echoes a bad one before. It's like stress cracks in a cup that only show when full.

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By *entlemenpipMan
over a year ago

not far


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Yes my ex was mentally abused by her ex and are 2 years together was hell for me as I was more of a councilor than a partner she was left with hang ups about her body, eating habits, fashion, and in the bed room it was like walking thought a minefield to the point where I just have up trying to have sex. The relationship ended after she couldn't see how unhappy I was as I had to push all of my feeling and issues to the side to deal with hers

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By *urvyandCurious999Woman
over a year ago

Hiding from twats

I went through a horrific time with the boyfriend I had from 18-20. He really did a number on my head. Never once hit me, I think I would have left straight away if he had, but he changed me as a person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I had it in my first marriage, saw the signs early and ignored them. I even once had to turn down a job promotion as it involved working with too many women, and forget any nights out, constant texts and phone calls.

Let's just say she's no longer around

Similar to what I went through in my first relationship. The accusations just got ridiculous.. In the long run I think it's made me a stronger person."

Agree it's made me stronger now, but took a while to get there.

I unfortunately now won't allow anyone to 'tell' me what to do even at work, they have to ask not tell otherwise I ignore them, suppose that's the scar 10 years has left.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I spent 4 long hard years in a relationship with someone who mentally abused me. It changed me as a person completely and even now, several years down the line. I’m still not back to the person I was prior.

It’s been tough and caused a lot of problems with friendships and other partners.

As much as it destroyed me, I’m kind of glad it happened.

It’s helped me build as a person and it’s helped me protect myself from going through it again! I notice things now and have the strength to act on what I notice.

While I know I’ll never be the person I was back then again, I know I’ll eventually get there and be better off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes I was married to a narcissist for over 20 years. The mental abuse I received from him was worse in so many ways than physical. I’m 5 years out of it and still have days when everything he said comes to haunt me.

I know I’m not the same person I was but I will never be truly confident again x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Yes too this day it still affects me hurts more that I criticise my body now because of how my ex used to make me feel

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes. My wife is unloving and abusive

Kinda why I'm on here in some respects

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Yes. I was in an mentally abusive relationship for 13 years and affected me greatly. Fortunately I am rising above it and getting back on track with a lot of help from my lovely partner. Luke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Damned straight it can. Strangely enough, I caught a few minutes of the old movie Gaslight yesterday. Where the "modern" term comes from ( or the source novel, tbf).

Mind games can really screw you up.

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By *abasaurus RexMan
over a year ago

Gloucestershire


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run

Yes my ex was mentally abused by her ex and are 2 years together was hell for me as I was more of a councilor than a partner she was left with hang ups about her body, eating habits, fashion, and in the bed room it was like walking thought a minefield to the point where I just have up trying to have sex. The relationship ended after she couldn't see how unhappy I was as I had to push all of my feeling and issues to the side to deal with hers "

Sorry you had to go through that. I’ve experienced the same albeit for a longer time. It’s horrible.

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

Yes...I had this in my marraige. I should have got out sooner.

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

One of the hardest things to do is find the confidence to get out of the situation when you're suffering this kind of abuse at the hands of someone you thought loved you.

You have to get out by any means possible and totally cut them out of your life if you have any chance to recover.

You will recover and find life gets so much better with time and finding yourself once more.

You will have scars that are hard to deal with and hard for others who dont understand what it is to suffer like this but it does get better i promise you, I suspect many of us here are proof that life does go on and you can be happy again.

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By *he Little Fuck MachineMan
over a year ago

Co.Antrim


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Absolutely

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

It can do. A single event can affect you for life and chronic abuse can establish patterns of behaviour that reciprocate. We can get over problems, even though they are part of our history. I'd target the abuse head on and get out, if there's not massive effort to stop it permanently.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Yes, it absolutely can.

It's been 20 years since I got out of a relationship but I still bear more mental scars than physical.

I work through issues I'm left with but I'm not sure I will ever be completely free of them.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"One of the hardest things to do is find the confidence to get out of the situation when you're suffering this kind of abuse at the hands of someone you thought loved you.

You have to get out by any means possible and totally cut them out of your life if you have any chance to recover.

You will recover and find life gets so much better with time and finding yourself once more.

You will have scars that are hard to deal with and hard for others who dont understand what it is to suffer like this but it does get better i promise you, I suspect many of us here are proof that life does go on and you can be happy again."

Well said x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a full on mental breakdown 15 months after the end of the abusive relationship I was in.

When the relationship was initially over I was carefree and thought I'd escaped unscathed. How wrong I was.

You see, what happens is things get imprinted on your psyche without you even knowing it.

Then you find yourself reacting in ways you wouldn't have before the abuse.

The breakdown trigger sounds pathetic, but it was this... one of the people at work got the wrong end of the stick and reported back to management that I was doing something I shouldn't have been.

I was point blank accused of it by my GM rather than him talking to me about it. Then he involved other people as "back up evidence" saying they had said I'd done it too.

I knew he was lying because I hadn't fucking done what he said. I also knew that the person who told him I had was someone I tended to clash with, who he was close to. I asked the other staff if they thought my behaviour had been off or if I had been lacking in work and they were all shocked and some got quite upset that I could even think they would not only think that, but go to management with concerns about me. I was the mumma bear, the one they all came to with worries, personal problems.

Work was always my safe place when I was in the relationship and now my safe place was displaying the signs of toxicity and manipulation.

I lost it.

Full on breakdown. Like, full on. 9 months recovery to be able to step foot back in the building and I now didn't trust a fucking soul there.

I soul search an awful lot now.

I question my reactions to things because sometimes I don't know if I really feel the way I think I feel or if it's a reaction to try to protect myself.

I don't know if you ever truly fully recover, but what I do know is these days I can easily cut people out of my life and it doesn't take much for me to do so. I care a great deal about lots of people and things, I have a kinship with nature .... but people.... well, I don't give many chances and I don't entertain liars. That's my protective shell, but you know what? I'm worth fucking protecting coz I'm actually a pretty fucking exceptional human being, and I'm worth it.

P

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby


"I had a full on mental breakdown 15 months after the end of the abusive relationship I was in.

When the relationship was initially over I was carefree and thought I'd escaped unscathed. How wrong I was.

You see, what happens is things get imprinted on your psyche without you even knowing it.

Then you find yourself reacting in ways you wouldn't have before the abuse.

The breakdown trigger sounds pathetic, but it was this... one of the people at work got the wrong end of the stick and reported back to management that I was doing something I shouldn't have been.

I was point blank accused of it by my GM rather than him talking to me about it. Then he involved other people as "back up evidence" saying they had said I'd done it too.

I knew he was lying because I hadn't fucking done what he said. I also knew that the person who told him I had was someone I tended to clash with, who he was close to. I asked the other staff if they thought my behaviour had been off or if I had been lacking in work and they were all shocked and some got quite upset that I could even think they would not only think that, but go to management with concerns about me. I was the mumma bear, the one they all came to with worries, personal problems.

Work was always my safe place when I was in the relationship and now my safe place was displaying the signs of toxicity and manipulation.

I lost it.

Full on breakdown. Like, full on. 9 months recovery to be able to step foot back in the building and I now didn't trust a fucking soul there.

I soul search an awful lot now.

I question my reactions to things because sometimes I don't know if I really feel the way I think I feel or if it's a reaction to try to protect myself.

I don't know if you ever truly fully recover, but what I do know is these days I can easily cut people out of my life and it doesn't take much for me to do so. I care a great deal about lots of people and things, I have a kinship with nature .... but people.... well, I don't give many chances and I don't entertain liars. That's my protective shell, but you know what? I'm worth fucking protecting coz I'm actually a pretty fucking exceptional human being, and I'm worth it.

P"

It's so shit when you lose the thing you cherish most as you find out your reactions to what would be classed as normal are way off.

I'd give you a huge hug right now if I could from one survivor to another.

And yes, these shit experiences can and often do make you into a truly exceptional person because you know life can harm you so much from the inside and you know you not only survived but came out of the other side stronger for it xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I had a full on mental breakdown 15 months after the end of the abusive relationship I was in.

When the relationship was initially over I was carefree and thought I'd escaped unscathed. How wrong I was.

You see, what happens is things get imprinted on your psyche without you even knowing it.

Then you find yourself reacting in ways you wouldn't have before the abuse.

The breakdown trigger sounds pathetic, but it was this... one of the people at work got the wrong end of the stick and reported back to management that I was doing something I shouldn't have been.

I was point blank accused of it by my GM rather than him talking to me about it. Then he involved other people as "back up evidence" saying they had said I'd done it too.

I knew he was lying because I hadn't fucking done what he said. I also knew that the person who told him I had was someone I tended to clash with, who he was close to. I asked the other staff if they thought my behaviour had been off or if I had been lacking in work and they were all shocked and some got quite upset that I could even think they would not only think that, but go to management with concerns about me. I was the mumma bear, the one they all came to with worries, personal problems.

Work was always my safe place when I was in the relationship and now my safe place was displaying the signs of toxicity and manipulation.

I lost it.

Full on breakdown. Like, full on. 9 months recovery to be able to step foot back in the building and I now didn't trust a fucking soul there.

I soul search an awful lot now.

I question my reactions to things because sometimes I don't know if I really feel the way I think I feel or if it's a reaction to try to protect myself.

I don't know if you ever truly fully recover, but what I do know is these days I can easily cut people out of my life and it doesn't take much for me to do so. I care a great deal about lots of people and things, I have a kinship with nature .... but people.... well, I don't give many chances and I don't entertain liars. That's my protective shell, but you know what? I'm worth fucking protecting coz I'm actually a pretty fucking exceptional human being, and I'm worth it.

P

It's so shit when you lose the thing you cherish most as you find out your reactions to what would be classed as normal are way off.

I'd give you a huge hug right now if I could from one survivor to another.

And yes, these shit experiences can and often do make you into a truly exceptional person because you know life can harm you so much from the inside and you know you not only survived but came out of the other side stronger for it xx"

Thank you, and I'd hug you right back.

P

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By *imited 3EditionCouple
over a year ago

Live in Scotland Play in England


"It does. Emotional abuse is used to gain power and control in a relationship. The abuse may take a number of forms, such as : insulting, criticising, threatening, gaslighting, ridiculing, shaming, intimidating, swearing, name-calling, lying, belittling and ignoring. In time, possibly in years, this too will pass. God bless "

This is all very typical from a narcissistic partner... and it's all too common that they're able to get themselves a co- dependent partner who just takes it all because they're just that kind of giving person who thinks they can 'fix' the other. Sadly they lose themselves in the process and a narcissist just cannot be fixed.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"It does. Emotional abuse is used to gain power and control in a relationship. The abuse may take a number of forms, such as : insulting, criticising, threatening, gaslighting, ridiculing, shaming, intimidating, swearing, name-calling, lying, belittling and ignoring. In time, possibly in years, this too will pass. God bless

This is all very typical from a narcissistic partner... and it's all too common that they're able to get themselves a co- dependent partner who just takes it all because they're just that kind of giving person who thinks they can 'fix' the other. Sadly they lose themselves in the process and a narcissist just cannot be fixed. "

Agreed

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By *irtySexyDawgMan
over a year ago

Welwyn


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

'Abuse' is always destructive and often pollutes every fascet of the victims life, esp their self-image, self-worth, confidence etc.

My kinks often cause me to meet beautiful, strong, people who've been damaged by abuse in their pasts.

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By *imited 3EditionCouple
over a year ago

Live in Scotland Play in England


"I had a full on mental breakdown 15 months after the end of the abusive relationship I was in.

When the relationship was initially over I was carefree and thought I'd escaped unscathed. How wrong I was.

You see, what happens is things get imprinted on your psyche without you even knowing it.

Then you find yourself reacting in ways you wouldn't have before the abuse.

The breakdown trigger sounds pathetic, but it was this... one of the people at work got the wrong end of the stick and reported back to management that I was doing something I shouldn't have been.

I was point blank accused of it by my GM rather than him talking to me about it. Then he involved other people as "back up evidence" saying they had said I'd done it too.

I knew he was lying because I hadn't fucking done what he said. I also knew that the person who told him I had was someone I tended to clash with, who he was close to. I asked the other staff if they thought my behaviour had been off or if I had been lacking in work and they were all shocked and some got quite upset that I could even think they would not only think that, but go to management with concerns about me. I was the mumma bear, the one they all came to with worries, personal problems.

Work was always my safe place when I was in the relationship and now my safe place was displaying the signs of toxicity and manipulation.

I lost it.

Full on breakdown. Like, full on. 9 months recovery to be able to step foot back in the building and I now didn't trust a fucking soul there.

I soul search an awful lot now.

I question my reactions to things because sometimes I don't know if I really feel the way I think I feel or if it's a reaction to try to protect myself.

I don't know if you ever truly fully recover, but what I do know is these days I can easily cut people out of my life and it doesn't take much for me to do so. I care a great deal about lots of people and things, I have a kinship with nature .... but people.... well, I don't give many chances and I don't entertain liars. That's my protective shell, but you know what? I'm worth fucking protecting coz I'm actually a pretty fucking exceptional human being, and I'm worth it.

P"

That's awful. You absolutely are worth protecting and must always do what that takes. I can't imagine how you managed to walk back into that same workplace (I have just been off work myself for 5 months due to stress) but the fact you did after 9 months proves you have super mental strength and can rise above anything those people could throw at you. I really hope things are better now but for sure you are a stronger person for having gone through this. I wonder even if you needed it to sort of purge yourself of what you'd been through before and heal that?

And I totally get the kinship with nature...its nature that has been with me through the past few months and it's been so healing. Im totally seeing the challenge of interacting with people again now though after so many months off in a sort of self imposed isolation! Fun times ahead!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This question should have been in the ‘ask a daft question’ thread I saw earlier.

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By *irtySexyDawgMan
over a year ago

Welwyn


"This question should have been in the ‘ask a daft question’ thread I saw earlier. "

I thought similar, it's seems self answering...BUT it's actually been one of the most interesting threads I've seen recently.

Its good to be lighthearted, but there seems to be a ton of inane, childish threads on this forum.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

New legislation covers this type of abuse as it recognises the devastating impact it has on the individual. It often is so insidious and hidden that people begin to doubt themselves.

If you are going through this, speak to someone. You may feel foolish but you need a sanity check. Others will reflect back the true horror of what you are feeling, especially when you can't own it yourself.

Women's aid offers great support for both men and women.

No one deserves to be bullied, belittled or humiliated x

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"This question should have been in the ‘ask a daft question’ thread I saw earlier.

I thought similar, it's seems self answering...BUT it's actually been one of the most interesting threads I've seen recently.

Its good to be lighthearted, but there seems to be a ton of inane, childish threads on this forum."

I think there's much to be said for processing pain together, where we can.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I had a full on mental breakdown 15 months after the end of the abusive relationship I was in.

When the relationship was initially over I was carefree and thought I'd escaped unscathed. How wrong I was.

You see, what happens is things get imprinted on your psyche without you even knowing it.

Then you find yourself reacting in ways you wouldn't have before the abuse.

The breakdown trigger sounds pathetic, but it was this... one of the people at work got the wrong end of the stick and reported back to management that I was doing something I shouldn't have been.

I was point blank accused of it by my GM rather than him talking to me about it. Then he involved other people as "back up evidence" saying they had said I'd done it too.

I knew he was lying because I hadn't fucking done what he said. I also knew that the person who told him I had was someone I tended to clash with, who he was close to. I asked the other staff if they thought my behaviour had been off or if I had been lacking in work and they were all shocked and some got quite upset that I could even think they would not only think that, but go to management with concerns about me. I was the mumma bear, the one they all came to with worries, personal problems.

Work was always my safe place when I was in the relationship and now my safe place was displaying the signs of toxicity and manipulation.

I lost it.

Full on breakdown. Like, full on. 9 months recovery to be able to step foot back in the building and I now didn't trust a fucking soul there.

I soul search an awful lot now.

I question my reactions to things because sometimes I don't know if I really feel the way I think I feel or if it's a reaction to try to protect myself.

I don't know if you ever truly fully recover, but what I do know is these days I can easily cut people out of my life and it doesn't take much for me to do so. I care a great deal about lots of people and things, I have a kinship with nature .... but people.... well, I don't give many chances and I don't entertain liars. That's my protective shell, but you know what? I'm worth fucking protecting coz I'm actually a pretty fucking exceptional human being, and I'm worth it.

P

That's awful. You absolutely are worth protecting and must always do what that takes. I can't imagine how you managed to walk back into that same workplace (I have just been off work myself for 5 months due to stress) but the fact you did after 9 months proves you have super mental strength and can rise above anything those people could throw at you. I really hope things are better now but for sure you are a stronger person for having gone through this. I wonder even if you needed it to sort of purge yourself of what you'd been through before and heal that?

And I totally get the kinship with nature...its nature that has been with me through the past few months and it's been so healing. Im totally seeing the challenge of interacting with people again now though after so many months off in a sort of self imposed isolation! Fun times ahead! "

The purging thing makes sense.

I was basically a ticking time bomb and I didn't know it. I crumbled at work that day, like proper crumbled. I scrubbed all of the writing off the comms white board and defaced it with something like "whomever thinks it's acceptable to lie about people coz it makes you feel big, powerful and the puppet master, you're nothing but a lying piece of shit and you really should go fuck yourself" before falling to a heap on the floor and having to be taken to the GP by one of my coworkers.

The best way I can describe how it felt was like a toddler. You know when they need a nap and they're sobbing and inconsolable over seemingly fuck all and just the fact that they're tired. You think go to sleep and you'll be sound ya div. That's how it felt but I felt like I needed to sleep for years instead of hours.

My brain was fried.

The doc confirmed CPTSD and I was signed off. Spent 3 weeks on the sofa practically sleeping. Was only moving to go to the loo or get a drink.

I can't describe how hard it was to even do those things. I'd wake, and cry that I was awake, I needed more sleep. I had totally shut down. After 3 weeks I kind of woke up, I could tackle more (by more.... getting a shower!) Everything felt like running a marathon, all the tiny things you do every day on autopilot took all of my energy and mental strength.

My now "safe place" was the fab forums.

They were so supportive and understanding.

6 months down the line I was getting counselling.

That really helped build my confidence back up and pushed me out of my comfort zone.

Seriously I'd be celebrating if I made it round Asda without running out leaving the trolley in the aisle with tears rolling. Everyone was danger in my mind, even if unintentionally. It took 9 months for the flight to fuck off and the fight to come back.

Now I'm a fucker for calling people out on bullshit, I won't tolerate it. I don't deserve it. I also don't care if I have to stand alone, I'll fight for what's right. The old me is resurfacing, but this one knows just how manipulative and sneaky people can be, and that is something that does give me anxiety.

Play your own toxic games, just leave me and mine the fuck out of them, and if ya can't manage that simple request, expect there to be fallout.

P

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby


"

Now I'm a fucker for calling people out on bullshit, I won't tolerate it. I don't deserve it. I also don't care if I have to stand alone, I'll fight for what's right. The old me is resurfacing, but this one knows just how manipulative and sneaky people can be, and that is something that does give me anxiety.

Play your own toxic games, just leave me and mine the fuck out of them, and if ya can't manage that simple request, expect there to be fallout.

P"

This.....I love this and feel exactly the same.

Keep this about you always but don't forget to let people in bit by bit too.

There will be that one person who simply cares and won't play games with you xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This question should have been in the ‘ask a daft question’ thread I saw earlier.

I thought similar, it's seems self answering...BUT it's actually been one of the most interesting threads I've seen recently.

Its good to be lighthearted, but there seems to be a ton of inane, childish threads on this forum."

That’s true I guess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This question should have been in the ‘ask a daft question’ thread I saw earlier.

I thought similar, it's seems self answering...BUT it's actually been one of the most interesting threads I've seen recently.

Its good to be lighthearted, but there seems to be a ton of inane, childish threads on this forum.

I think there's much to be said for processing pain together, where we can."

Oh yes definitely agree with regard to helping each other. But in terms of the answer to the the initial question; I think it’s an obvious answer.

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By *manaWoman
over a year ago

Basingstoke


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Yes absolutely.

It depends on many factors though on whether you are able to come back from it.

It takes more strength to cope afterwards than I ever imagined.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run

Yes absolutely.

It depends on many factors though on whether you are able to come back from it.

It takes more strength to cope afterwards than I ever imagined. "

It's hard to see it in yourself but chatting to you i get the feeling that you're doing better than you may think xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

"

So proud of you for posting.

P

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby


"I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

"

I fully agree with you that abusers seek out those who are kind and caring as easy victims to abuse, I know that is exactly what happened to me and the damage runs extremely deep with some things.

On a good side though, those who have been through similar things can become massively supportive friends to find and often are the only people who can understand you because its just too hard to convey to those who haven't experienced it themselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

So proud of you for posting.

P"

Thank you!!! Xxx

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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay

Yes .. but if is possible to grow stronger, wiser, know yourself better having to overcome or heal or simply deal with the echoes of an abusive relationship.

X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Let's ask Johnny Depp. "

Yeah, who'd have guessed that Amber Heard was a lying, manipulative, abusive bitch, trying to ruin a man's career.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"Yes .. but if is possible to grow stronger, wiser, know yourself better having to overcome or heal or simply deal with the echoes of an abusive relationship.

X

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

That or subtle mental manipulation certainly does. My kids and I bore the brunt of the latter.

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By *carlettxWoman
over a year ago

Essex


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Yes I endured 20+ years of it

When I escaped 7 years ago I was at the bottom of the pile .... the person you see now still struggles with insecurity as I’m only just finding out who I actually am

Mental abuse doesn’t show up like bruises from physical abuse so often comes as a shock to friends and family

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most definately I lived it. I still have moments now where I have no confidence especially body confidence.

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By *urlyCatzWoman
over a year ago

Blackpool


"Has anyone on this thread been affected by it

Yes, over many years.

Me too and I know plenty of others.

They tell you that you’re not good enough, after a while they don’t need to tell you - you tell yourself.

It can be sorted out with love and a good therapist but don’t underestimate it - it’s a big task"

Maybe sometimes it can't be sorted and you are just left a broken shell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

I fully agree with you that abusers seek out those who are kind and caring as easy victims to abuse, I know that is exactly what happened to me and the damage runs extremely deep with some things.

On a good side though, those who have been through similar things can become massively supportive friends to find and often are the only people who can understand you because its just too hard to convey to those who haven't experienced it themselves."

So true.

It comes across especially shocking to others if you're confident in other areas too. I was the last person anyone would expect to "put up" with that kind of situation. It happens that over time your new "normal" behind closed doors changes little by little.

There is no justification. Nobody deserves it.

I saw a trailer for a programme on the telly and one sentence struck home so so much. I can't remember it word for word but it goes something like...

People stay in relationships because they don't think they're worthy of getting out of them.

That holds so much truth.

Everyone is worthy, everyone deserves happiness. It's the brainwashing that convinces us otherwise.

P

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Fuck the brainwashing. It's so hard to escape.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Fuck the brainwashing. It's so hard to escape."

It is. I wish I could save everyone, and I find it a real frustration that I can't.

Support support support.

I don't have experience of the new legislation and I pray it makes the difference and makes it easier now for those suffering and existing instead of living to break free.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

I fully agree with you that abusers seek out those who are kind and caring as easy victims to abuse, I know that is exactly what happened to me and the damage runs extremely deep with some things.

On a good side though, those who have been through similar things can become massively supportive friends to find and often are the only people who can understand you because its just too hard to convey to those who haven't experienced it themselves.

So true.

It comes across especially shocking to others if you're confident in other areas too. I was the last person anyone would expect to "put up" with that kind of situation. It happens that over time your new "normal" behind closed doors changes little by little.

There is no justification. Nobody deserves it.

I saw a trailer for a programme on the telly and one sentence struck home so so much. I can't remember it word for word but it goes something like...

People stay in relationships because they don't think they're worthy of getting out of them.

That holds so much truth.

Everyone is worthy, everyone deserves happiness. It's the brainwashing that convinces us otherwise.

P"

Your words have really resonated with me today, particularly the phrase about the amount of time it took for the flight to fuck off and the fight to comeback.

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, and today I’m completely exhausted and emotionally drained,

and I’ve been in tears this morning.

I put up with over 20 years of it, and only now have I started to see the full extent of the damage. Trusting is hard, trusting others and myself.

I’m lucky, I’ve got some amazing people in my life, friends, at work and from here who have been unbelievably supportive of me, and rally helped me when I needed it.

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By *illy999TV/TS
over a year ago

Taunton


"This question should have been in the ‘ask a daft question’ thread I saw earlier. "

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"Fuck the brainwashing. It's so hard to escape.

It is. I wish I could save everyone, and I find it a real frustration that I can't.

Support support support.

I don't have experience of the new legislation and I pray it makes the difference and makes it easier now for those suffering and existing instead of living to break free.

P"

Fuck yes.

Lots of things to build up to free people from all this crap.

Sadly not just in relationships. Toxic people are everywhere and the damage they do is extraordinary.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Fuck the brainwashing. It's so hard to escape.

It is. I wish I could save everyone, and I find it a real frustration that I can't.

Support support support.

I don't have experience of the new legislation and I pray it makes the difference and makes it easier now for those suffering and existing instead of living to break free.

P

Fuck yes.

Lots of things to build up to free people from all this crap.

Sadly not just in relationships. Toxic people are everywhere and the damage they do is extraordinary."

And trains.... the karma bus can fuck off, I'm wishing on a karma train these days. With no breaks

P

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Absofuckinglutely.

Choo choo motherfucker

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

New legislation will take time to be used, but at least it has opened the discussion on the mental and emotional abuse people go through.

Remains to be seen how much out it has, things move on however domestic violence was poorly recognised not many years ago x

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Definitely! More so, I would say, than physical abuse.

I have been out of it for about 13 years now, including 2 other healthy relationships, but I still have quite severe anxiety from it.

In extreme cases, I still don't trust my ability to think for myself or make my own decisions, and often find myself seeking reassurance, and panicking if I can't make a decision.

I second-guess myself and/or try to justify my own very common natural human emotions.

If something happens (like I lose or break something), I become a complete mess because I expect to be screamed at and feel like I can't be trusted.

I can do something as simple as forgetting to text Hubby back, and spend the next few days thinking I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve love or happiness (obviously, Hubby doesn't agree!).

I will also still starve myself if I'm upset or if something is wrong because my ex used to pick arguments just before meals and attack my body image.

I find it hard to talk to and build relationships with new people because I'm always worrying about their intentions or whether they'll think I'm an awful person too.

Sometimes I even still feel like I have to ask permission to do something I want with my own money, or even just to see my family or friends...

On the plus side, I can now recognise the behaviour from a mile off and have very little tolerance for bull shit and people trying to play mind games.

It's exhausting, and can obviously be exhausting for future partners.

Counselling, confidence-building, self-love, love, support and patience are key factors to recovery, but I don't think it ever truly goes away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP - can I ask why you asked this question?

Fellow forumites above have shared some very personal stories and advice, in itself takes a lot of courage and I (her) thank them for their openness and honesty because someone else reading this thread could be experiencing something similar at this moment and will see that there is hope when you feel like you have no other option than to remain.

But I want to come back to you, are you ok?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Definitely. Seen it first hand with a close friend. She's a shadow of her former self because of her abusive prick of a husband.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

I fully agree with you that abusers seek out those who are kind and caring as easy victims to abuse, I know that is exactly what happened to me and the damage runs extremely deep with some things.

On a good side though, those who have been through similar things can become massively supportive friends to find and often are the only people who can understand you because its just too hard to convey to those who haven't experienced it themselves.

So true.

It comes across especially shocking to others if you're confident in other areas too. I was the last person anyone would expect to "put up" with that kind of situation. It happens that over time your new "normal" behind closed doors changes little by little.

There is no justification. Nobody deserves it.

I saw a trailer for a programme on the telly and one sentence struck home so so much. I can't remember it word for word but it goes something like...

People stay in relationships because they don't think they're worthy of getting out of them.

That holds so much truth.

Everyone is worthy, everyone deserves happiness. It's the brainwashing that convinces us otherwise.

P

Your words have really resonated with me today, particularly the phrase about the amount of time it took for the flight to fuck off and the fight to comeback.

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, and today I’m completely exhausted and emotionally drained,

and I’ve been in tears this morning.

I put up with over 20 years of it, and only now have I started to see the full extent of the damage. Trusting is hard, trusting others and myself.

I’m lucky, I’ve got some amazing people in my life, friends, at work and from here who have been unbelievably supportive of me, and rally helped me when I needed it. "

I do believe that recognising some of our own stuff in other peoples experiences is massive in helping confidence levels. That's partly why I talk so openly about it, balls swinging free! I know how much it helped me even in thinking I'm not alone when I saw stuff that made so much sense to me and hit home, and if I can give one person a sense if relief/security/hope then I'll talk til the cows come home.

Fuck, trusting others is by far the biggest thing for me and my most difficult hurdle.

I feel for B. He's my first relationship since so he's almost like a Guinea pig as far as learning goes, what's gonna trigger me, what I can and can't handle and what kind of care I need. He has been so so understanding and an absolute rock. He ain't afraid to tell me straight tho, although he isn't as direct as I am and takes a more tactful approach. I can see it brewing tho and tell him to spit it the fuck out and not fanny around. The reasoning being the round the houses automatically sets my spidey senses tingling towards manipulation and I auto shut down to being closed off. Tell me straight what the end result you want is, and I'll then be open to discussion.

Those rollercoasters are a motherfucker.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

I fully agree with you that abusers seek out those who are kind and caring as easy victims to abuse, I know that is exactly what happened to me and the damage runs extremely deep with some things.

On a good side though, those who have been through similar things can become massively supportive friends to find and often are the only people who can understand you because its just too hard to convey to those who haven't experienced it themselves.

So true.

It comes across especially shocking to others if you're confident in other areas too. I was the last person anyone would expect to "put up" with that kind of situation. It happens that over time your new "normal" behind closed doors changes little by little.

There is no justification. Nobody deserves it.

I saw a trailer for a programme on the telly and one sentence struck home so so much. I can't remember it word for word but it goes something like...

People stay in relationships because they don't think they're worthy of getting out of them.

That holds so much truth.

Everyone is worthy, everyone deserves happiness. It's the brainwashing that convinces us otherwise.

P

Your words have really resonated with me today, particularly the phrase about the amount of time it took for the flight to fuck off and the fight to comeback.

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, and today I’m completely exhausted and emotionally drained,

and I’ve been in tears this morning.

I put up with over 20 years of it, and only now have I started to see the full extent of the damage. Trusting is hard, trusting others and myself.

I’m lucky, I’ve got some amazing people in my life, friends, at work and from here who have been unbelievably supportive of me, and rally helped me when I needed it.

I do believe that recognising some of our own stuff in other peoples experiences is massive in helping confidence levels. That's partly why I talk so openly about it, balls swinging free! I know how much it helped me even in thinking I'm not alone when I saw stuff that made so much sense to me and hit home, and if I can give one person a sense if relief/security/hope then I'll talk til the cows come home.

Fuck, trusting others is by far the biggest thing for me and my most difficult hurdle.

I feel for B. He's my first relationship since so he's almost like a Guinea pig as far as learning goes, what's gonna trigger me, what I can and can't handle and what kind of care I need. He has been so so understanding and an absolute rock. He ain't afraid to tell me straight tho, although he isn't as direct as I am and takes a more tactful approach. I can see it brewing tho and tell him to spit it the fuck out and not fanny around. The reasoning being the round the houses automatically sets my spidey senses tingling towards manipulation and I auto shut down to being closed off. Tell me straight what the end result you want is, and I'll then be open to discussion.

Those rollercoasters are a motherfucker.

P"

You’re so brave, it sounds like you’ve done an amazing job of fighting to get ‘you’ back. I hope I can do the same!

You’re so right, hearing others talk about it makes it so much easier, and having friends who have been through it, and friends who are being very supportive has really helped.

How did you get rid of the flight urge?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"OP - can I ask why you asked this question?

Fellow forumites above have shared some very personal stories and advice, in itself takes a lot of courage and I (her) thank them for their openness and honesty because someone else reading this thread could be experiencing something similar at this moment and will see that there is hope when you feel like you have no other option than to remain.

But I want to come back to you, are you ok? "

I was wondering the same...

Hope you're ok OP..

Her x

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

As one of those forumites who has been through this and I ended up being a recluse and pulling away from everyone and everything because of it.

If you need to talk I know how to listen.

The offer is there if you need it xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've read through this thread and recognised so many similarities to what happened to me, its unreal...

I was in an abusive relationship for over 15 years.

I've suffered pretty much everything that has already been mentioned.

I eventually freed myself..

I have been to hell and back. I could tell you every detail but something is holding me back.... I know what it is..its the fact that I'm still heeling. Putting things in writing makes it all real and I'm protecting myself somewhat.

I wonder how many of us that have been abused are empaths?

I read that abusive people seek out empaths as it's easy to work their way in..

Hard thread to read...even harder to comment on but it's such an important topic to discuss..

Her x

I fully agree with you that abusers seek out those who are kind and caring as easy victims to abuse, I know that is exactly what happened to me and the damage runs extremely deep with some things.

On a good side though, those who have been through similar things can become massively supportive friends to find and often are the only people who can understand you because its just too hard to convey to those who haven't experienced it themselves.

So true.

It comes across especially shocking to others if you're confident in other areas too. I was the last person anyone would expect to "put up" with that kind of situation. It happens that over time your new "normal" behind closed doors changes little by little.

There is no justification. Nobody deserves it.

I saw a trailer for a programme on the telly and one sentence struck home so so much. I can't remember it word for word but it goes something like...

People stay in relationships because they don't think they're worthy of getting out of them.

That holds so much truth.

Everyone is worthy, everyone deserves happiness. It's the brainwashing that convinces us otherwise.

P

Your words have really resonated with me today, particularly the phrase about the amount of time it took for the flight to fuck off and the fight to comeback.

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, and today I’m completely exhausted and emotionally drained,

and I’ve been in tears this morning.

I put up with over 20 years of it, and only now have I started to see the full extent of the damage. Trusting is hard, trusting others and myself.

I’m lucky, I’ve got some amazing people in my life, friends, at work and from here who have been unbelievably supportive of me, and rally helped me when I needed it.

I do believe that recognising some of our own stuff in other peoples experiences is massive in helping confidence levels. That's partly why I talk so openly about it, balls swinging free! I know how much it helped me even in thinking I'm not alone when I saw stuff that made so much sense to me and hit home, and if I can give one person a sense if relief/security/hope then I'll talk til the cows come home.

Fuck, trusting others is by far the biggest thing for me and my most difficult hurdle.

I feel for B. He's my first relationship since so he's almost like a Guinea pig as far as learning goes, what's gonna trigger me, what I can and can't handle and what kind of care I need. He has been so so understanding and an absolute rock. He ain't afraid to tell me straight tho, although he isn't as direct as I am and takes a more tactful approach. I can see it brewing tho and tell him to spit it the fuck out and not fanny around. The reasoning being the round the houses automatically sets my spidey senses tingling towards manipulation and I auto shut down to being closed off. Tell me straight what the end result you want is, and I'll then be open to discussion.

Those rollercoasters are a motherfucker.

P

You’re so brave, it sounds like you’ve done an amazing job of fighting to get ‘you’ back. I hope I can do the same!

You’re so right, hearing others talk about it makes it so much easier, and having friends who have been through it, and friends who are being very supportive has really helped.

How did you get rid of the flight urge?

"

Thank you, I think everyone that's posted is brave, including you.

So, getting the fight back..

Each small achievement built my confidence and self esteem, even though I didn't realise it at the time.

Then came accepting I could leg it at any given moment and almost giving myself the freedom to say, "nah I'm outta here" was so freeing! I gave myself permission to do things on my terms, not on what was expected or what I BELIEVED was expected of me. Now the flight was ok, it wasn't something to be feared, it was something I was in control over instead of controlling me. It was a form of self care but one that's massively overlooked.

From then on I realised that by controlling the flight, instead of it controlling me, I had entered the fight zone.

Now comes picking your battles.

Some things are healthy to walk away from, others are worth standing tall and making your voice heard. Some, well some are a combination of both.

I have encountered some nasty, manipulative and generally twisted mofos on here. The openly twisted I don't mind, it's the sly ones that get me. I feel a sense of responsibility to stand up and take the bull by the horns and out the behaviour. Holding onto the pain they cause and the fucked upness of it all hinders progression tho, and I've had to learn that myself. It didn't matter how many times I was told to put it behind me I couldn't. So my lesson in that one is to give it time. I will keep the flight with regards to that person to protect myself from drama, and them from me, as I know if I was in the same room as them all bets would be off and I'd end up drawing blood. Some things I cannot forgive and will not forget.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone on this planet who's worth their salts is aware they have "flaws" in their human side. It's what makes us us, and sometimes what makes us an inspiration to other people without us even realising it.

In short... own your shit. Be true to yourself, even the ugly side. If you don't own it, you can't change it.

P

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By *inkster666 OP   Man
over a year ago

kinky


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run

Yes I endured 20+ years of it

When I escaped 7 years ago I was at the bottom of the pile .... the person you see now still struggles with insecurity as I’m only just finding out who I actually am

Mental abuse doesn’t show up like bruises from physical abuse so often comes as a shock to friends and family

"

Why did you never get out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run

Yes I endured 20+ years of it

When I escaped 7 years ago I was at the bottom of the pile .... the person you see now still struggles with insecurity as I’m only just finding out who I actually am

Mental abuse doesn’t show up like bruises from physical abuse so often comes as a shock to friends and family

Why did you never get out "

They did....7 years ago!!!

It really isn't as easy as just getting out..

Why the interest OP?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run

Yes I endured 20+ years of it

When I escaped 7 years ago I was at the bottom of the pile .... the person you see now still struggles with insecurity as I’m only just finding out who I actually am

Mental abuse doesn’t show up like bruises from physical abuse so often comes as a shock to friends and family

Why did you never get out

They did....7 years ago!!!

It really isn't as easy as just getting out..

Why the interest OP? "

Indeed it ain't that easy.

You know the film Saw OP?

Imagine living that in your head. Not the gore, but the fear and mind games.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been going to a domestic violence course recently that covers so much of this. It's really interesting and I'd highly recommend it. It made me realise that some of the behaviours in my previous relationship fell under abuse when I hadn't seen it before. Mental abuse can be very subtle and done over time can definitely have an effect on you long term. But that doesn't always mean it's a negative one. You can end up stronger and wiser for it and be in a place where you know you won't tolerate it anymore and have all the tools to keep yourself away. Or keep the abusers away and build yourself back up.

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By *aven RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "

Yes. Firm believer it does. Physical abuse I got over. Cuts and bruises healed. Mental and emotional abuse takes a lot longer to heal x

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By *opinovMan
over a year ago

Point Nemo, Cumbria

This thread is, for me, pretty difficult to read... a bit too close to home for me perhaps.

After years of emotional abuse and undermining of my self-confidence by a domineering and controlling partner (I wasn't allowed to go out or have visitors), I found myself having to endure it from a business partner too. He was a former psychologist who manipulated and gaslighted me with the aim of rendering me incapable of functioning, in order to take control of my company. He was a malignant narsicist and psychopath who'd been sacked previously for abusing his practice. By the time he was done, after three years of it, I was in a terrible state.

A friend who had a bit of experience in this kind of abuse helped me see what was happening. I bought books about psychology and started learning to recognise what he was doing and his methods. He realised this and then got even nastier. It took a lot of preparatory work to allow me to sever our business relationship in a way for me to walk away.

In the end, I nearly lost my wider family and my company, and it's taken a lot of work to build myself up and rebuild my self-confidence. I'm getting there and have rebuilt my company too.

Sometimes, in lonelier moments, I still have to take a breath and remind myself of my abilities - it's easier when I have someone to hug.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!


"Do you think mental abuse from your partner affects someone’s confidence in the long run "
yes. it can be subtle and insidious and you might not even realise it’s a happening thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This thread is, for me, pretty difficult to read... a bit too close to home for me perhaps.

After years of emotional abuse and undermining of my self-confidence by a domineering and controlling partner (I wasn't allowed to go out or have visitors), I found myself having to endure it from a business partner too. He was a former psychologist who manipulated and gaslighted me with the aim of rendering me incapable of functioning, in order to take control of my company. He was a malignant narsicist and psychopath who'd been sacked previously for abusing his practice. By the time he was done, after three years of it, I was in a terrible state.

A friend who had a bit of experience in this kind of abuse helped me see what was happening. I bought books about psychology and started learning to recognise what he was doing and his methods. He realised this and then got even nastier. It took a lot of preparatory work to allow me to sever our business relationship in a way for me to walk away.

In the end, I nearly lost my wider family and my company, and it's taken a lot of work to build myself up and rebuild my self-confidence. I'm getting there and have rebuilt my company too.

Sometimes, in lonelier moments, I still have to take a breath and remind myself of my abilities - it's easier when I have someone to hug."

Sorry to hear that. Well done for seeing it and doing something about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"OP - can I ask why you asked this question?

Fellow forumites above have shared some very personal stories and advice, in itself takes a lot of courage and I (her) thank them for their openness and honesty because someone else reading this thread could be experiencing something similar at this moment and will see that there is hope when you feel like you have no other option than to remain.

But I want to come back to you, are you ok?

I was wondering the same...

Hope you're ok OP..

Her x "

The OP has removed one line from their profile upon re-reading it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The OP has removed one line from their profile upon re-reading it

What was it??

The fact the people on this thread have openly and honestly discussed some very personal experiences and the OP not to comment once, makes me question why he posted in the first place.

I personally find it rude and a little worrying...

Or maybe that's just my barrier going up?!?

Her x

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By *onnnie72Man
over a year ago

west bromwich


"Let's ask Johnny Depp. "

Is he on here ??

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