FabSwingers.com forum: Get back out there and retreat into your shell?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

To know the context read the first post in my ‘Stood up’ thread.

I was in a hell of a mood yesterday cos of Friday night. I know it’s not normal to get that upset. Like I’d planned on doing my cleaning yesterday day and I didn’t do nothing other than cry, eat chocolate, watched black hawk down and bought a pack of fags when I’m normally on a vape. Yes I’m due on in the next couple of days so I’m hormonal but it really isn’t normal to take rejection so badly as I do, it does go hand in hand with having no self esteem.

How do you build that shit up? Like I’m confident in how I look, I don’t sit around thinking oh I’m fat or nobody fancies me. I know I’m attractive, but that doesn’t go hand in hand with high self esteem. Is that a bizarre combination?

So to clarify, how do you build up your self esteem and should I put myself back out there again or just retreat into my shell and not bother?

I know moving forward that I won’t engage in any sexual chat and won’t send any pictures of myself in future when speaking to a new (non fab) guy.

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

You should try being a bloke for the day.

You and rejection would be best of friends

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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago

Hereford

Dunno really - I get proper pissed off with dating these days.

Sometimes no-shows annoy me, other times I don't care.

Deffo no to the sex chat though.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

From reading your thread yesterday, it appears it's a deep rooted thing from a childhood trauma.

And it's something incredibly hard to get over, you may have all the attributes you describe. But there's that fear of being rejected that never goes away. You know it's irrational but it's hard to stop those thoughts anyway. I haven't got the answers I'm afraid. But I know for me personally it's about knowing my own triggers and finding someone who understands them too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

just have a wank

apparently it helped in the olden days

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A big no no to the sex chat and pics for non fab people...!!

Give yourself a few months and try again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only you can decide what to do

You know posting this on here you’re going to get the ones that will just blow smoke up your arse

You’ll get the ones ( like me) telling you only you can decide what to do

You know you’re attractive etc .. so the self esteem comes from something else then. I don’t reckon anyone on here can tell you why.

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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago

Hereford

"A big no no to the sex chat and pics for non fab people...!!

Give yourself a few months and try again"

To be fair, I don't even do sex chat with fabs people....

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I'd read up on over confidence rather than low self esteem.

It would go a great deal further in explaining disappointment.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Haven't we been here before op, several times?

I understand that you have your issues. Sort them out and move on.

Good luck

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By *rghYeTimbersMan
over a year ago

Ipswich

Lots of apps out there that can help most set tiny targets to achieve and complement you regularly.

Start with minor achievements and build up.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I mean this kindly, but you go round in circles. It’s always the same issues, the same advice.

Nobody but you has the power to change things. You’re in control of your own destiny. Nobody else. You.

So give your head a wobble and sort it out.

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By *r MoriartyMan
over a year ago

The Land that time forgot (Norfolk)

"I mean this kindly, but you go round in circles. It’s always the same issues, the same advice.

Nobody but you has the power to change things. You’re in control of your own destiny. Nobody else. You.

So give your head a wobble and sort it out.

What she said.

Get off here and do something different. If you keep doing the same things you'll only end up with the same results, do something different and give yourself a chance.

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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago

West Wales

Just go to a group social OP approach or see no one just as a sexual target, chat with anyone & everyone & let the evening pass & go home alone..

IMO you need to remove the sexual side of things to work on yourself & what you see as your worth to others to improve your self esteem.

I think your sexual confidence masks the insecurities & cracks. If Friday had gone as planned all would be hunky dory with you, it didn’t so your sexual confidence came tumbling & left your insecurities unprotected and we saw the results.

You need to be in a place where if the same thing happened it would have a different result within you.

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By *moothdickMan
over a year ago

stoke

Self esteem is a complicated issue and it’s all part of the big picture of emotion .. but none of us like rejection but to accept it is a big plus, because then u move forward and try again ... I wouldn’t stand u up babe

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Just go to a group social OP approach or see no one just as a sexual target, chat with anyone & everyone & let the evening pass & go home alone..

IMO you need to remove the sexual side of things to work on yourself & what you see as your worth to others to improve your self esteem.

You need to be in a place where if the same thing happened it would have a different result within you.

e.g. over confidence in certain areas

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Was it Bertrand Russell said ..... Not verbatim ..... Sign of a breakdown is viewing 'what you do' (sic ) as highly important..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Haven't we been here before op, several times?

I understand that you have your issues. Sort them out and move on.

Good luck"

How would you sort them out? Like say you have childhood abandonment issues. How would you just ‘sort them out’? I am on an nhs waiting list for talking therapy but it can take up to 18 months and I was only put on the list in October last year.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A big no no to the sex chat and pics for non fab people...!!

Give yourself a few months and try again

To be fair, I don't even do sex chat with fabs people...."

Actually neither do I..I find it cringey

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By *am4CamWoman
over a year ago

Fairy Land

"I'd read up on over confidence rather than low self esteem.

It would go a great deal further in explaining disappointment.

Granny has a point.

Also, try to think on what you are great at beyond sexual attractiveness. Not for anyone other than yourself.

As many have said, it’s an ever recurring theme for you. If you’re sitting waiting for NHS support, look at other sources if you think you will be able to listen to advice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m confused.

You were extremely upset over being rejected by a stranger you’d never met but when you rejoined fab you were in a relationship that recently ended but you didn’t seem to be that bothered by that ending?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Haven't we been here before op, several times?

I understand that you have your issues. Sort them out and move on.

Good luck

Did your conversations and arranged date with this man have anything to do with the childhood issues?

From what I can see the man led you on, told you right up until late that he was still up for the meet...I put that down to him being an arse rather than being your own fault.

Self esteem....when someone says they are going to meet and mess you about, have a look to see if you could have done something different to ward off any arses and then put it down to experience . I know it is annoying but I wouldn't let it get you so upset, some people are not worth the tears.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'd read up on over confidence rather than low self esteem.

It would go a great deal further in explaining disappointment.

Granny has a point.

Also, try to think on what you are great at beyond sexual attractiveness. Not for anyone other than yourself.

As many have said, it’s an ever recurring theme for you. If you’re sitting waiting for NHS support, look at other sources if you think you will be able to listen to advice. "

It’s not being over confident though. I know I can attract guys, that ain’t my problem and I don’t worry about what I look like at all.

Self confidence and self worth must be two different things cos I have an abundance of one and none of the other.

Im too clingy, too needy, constantly frightened of being left so I’m always thinking negative shit and it stops me from being able to let things develop organically.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Im too clingy, too needy, constantly frightened of being left so I’m always thinking negative shit and it stops me from being able to let things develop organically.

Did you feel you did all those things with this man?

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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago

West Wales

"I’m confused.

One of the kickbacks of low self esteem is not just self worth but the worth of those around you. The worst cases will aim for people already with others as taking someone from someone scores more Han taking someone none wanted anyway.

So they get a bf/gf for a while things improve but their lack of self esteem if deep enough makes them question why you are with them eventually & ergo because you “Put up with them” you must be a loser so their attention wains & the hunt for another starts again.

I lived four years with someone with undiagnosed bipolar, you could pull my fingernails with pliers & the pain would not come close. The human mind is by far the scariest thing on this planet.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

"I'd read up on over confidence rather than low self esteem.

It would go a great deal further in explaining disappointment.

Granny has a point.

Also, try to think on what you are great at beyond sexual attractiveness. Not for anyone other than yourself.

As many have said, it’s an ever recurring theme for you. If you’re sitting waiting for NHS support, look at other sources if you think you will be able to listen to advice.

It’s not being over confident though. I know I can attract guys, that ain’t my problem and I don’t worry about what I look like at all.

Self confidence and self worth must be two different things cos I have an abundance of one and none of the other.

Im too clingy, too needy, constantly frightened of being left so I’m always thinking negative shit and it stops me from being able to let things develop organically.

Everything you said in your last paragraph is what you need to figure out. Only you can do that and it starts with learning to love yourself, being comfortable in your own space and on your own, learn who you are without the need of a man to tell you or make you feel worthwhile.

While you still have all those emotions in your head, you are going to keep making the same mistakes.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’m confused.

It’s cos this guy was supposed to make me forget about the last one. When I was stood up it brought all the other shit up.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

So much happens to us as we grow up and it's those things, good or bad, that shape us into the people we become.

I think you need to address your childhood abandonment issues, to understand it all. Is there any way you could talk to your parents about it? Or maybe by letter to him/her/them. I've sent a letter to my sister in the past to sort something out that was niggling at me for years. I can't talk to her face to face.

I'm sure your counsellor will help to a degree when you finally have your appointment.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Haven't we been here before op, several times?

I understand that you have your issues. Sort them out and move on.

Good luck

I have no idea how you would sort them out but it seems you've taken the first steps by getting a referral. I *know* it isn't as simple as just sorting yourself out but I genuinely am at a loss to know what you're after by asking the questions that you do.

I understand that childhood abandonment issues can have a huge knock on effect in later life, perhaps more than you or anyone else on here would realise. I also understand that repeating the same behaviour over and over will bring the same results.

As I say, I wish you luck in your search for peace

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By *am4CamWoman
over a year ago

Fairy Land

"I'd read up on over confidence rather than low self esteem.

It would go a great deal further in explaining disappointment.

Granny has a point.

Also, try to think on what you are great at beyond sexual attractiveness. Not for anyone other than yourself.

As many have said, it’s an ever recurring theme for you. If you’re sitting waiting for NHS support, look at other sources if you think you will be able to listen to advice.

It’s not being over confident though. I know I can attract guys, that ain’t my problem and I don’t worry about what I look like at all.

Self confidence and self worth must be two different things cos I have an abundance of one and none of the other.

Im too clingy, too needy, constantly frightened of being left so I’m always thinking negative shit and it stops me from being able to let things develop organically.

See, you’ve nailed it right there in that last paragraph. Thinking straight to the negative is a warped version of self preservation, but it also hugely damaging. Don’t sit and wait for the NHS, find other avenues of support (not Fab obvs) and learn to accept some help, it will benefit you in the long run.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Haven't we been here before op, several times?

I understand that you have your issues. Sort them out and move on.

Good luck

Did your conversations and arranged date with this man have anything to do with the childhood issues?

From what I can see the man led you on, told you right up until late that he was still up for the meet...I put that down to him being an arse rather than being your own fault.

No, I shouldn’t have done the sexual talk with this guy or sent him pictures but my head is just scrambled.

Like I know I had those issues already from my child hood but you know all the court stuff from 2016-2019, 32 times in 3 years I represented myself both in court and the admin side, all to protect my child. It took all my strength and that’s no exaggeration. I’ve got nothing left. GP said I have PTSD from it and that’s without all the shit I already had. Like I feel exhausted. To get up everyday for 3 years and try and keep happy in front of my kid and go to work and run a home and all that bull shit. Now it’s done I feel like I need to be looked after and protected and it’s like I’m looking for closeness from anyone and each time I get knocked back it’s making me worse.

It’s just fucked like. Will I find a guy that will be like okay so you’ve had a bit of rough time the last few years and I know that a shitty childhood can affect how you are as an adult but fear not, I will reassure you that I won’t leave you and I won’t make you question how I feel about you cos I’ll tell you all the time!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Time will heal it all. x

If I was in yours now i'd put you to bed and let you sleep.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Taking rejection badly doesn't usually have anything to do with self esteem or confidence.

It's almost impossible to know who will stand you up. Sure, there may have been some signs, but they're not always easily spotted.

I found that my outlook on rejection/ being stood up improved when I took more control of what I'm willing to put up with. For example, if a definite starting point hasn't been established by the day before a meet (an exact time and place to meet), I'm not going to be there. Likewise if we've talked about meeting on Monday and set up a plan, but they haven't been in contact or haven't responded to my confirmations.

Your time is precious, so put some rules in place for yourself so that you don't spend it waiting around for someone who potentially won't show.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Lots of apps out there that can help most set tiny targets to achieve and complement you regularly.

Start with minor achievements and build up."

Can you identify a few?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You should try being a bloke for the day.

You and rejection would be best of friends

Well where is the lie in this...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like you’re going for guys that you know are going to let you down so you can feel that you were right all along to be suspicious of them. That way if you can’t be disappointed.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but sometimes I turn my phone on silent and don’t look at it after I send a risky text. That way if they don’t reply I don’t know, so I can’t be upset by it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

When I’m attracted to the guys that I’m attracted to they just ain’t gonna put in the level of care I need, especially in the early days because the guys I’m into have a plentiful supply of women.

The facts are, if a guy has 10 women all reasonably attractive, he’s gonna go for the one that’s the best to be around. I’ve seen first hand how a persons behaviour can change how someone feels about you. I was seeing a 29 year old gorgeous guy until recently. I was his childhood and teenage crush and was constantly saying he couldn’t believe he was able to kiss me and have sex with me and the boy couldn’t last longer than seconds when we had sex. BUT my issues that I have made me react and kick off in ways that a normal well person wouldn’t do and it changed his perception of me, I could see it happening. There was no doubt that he wasn’t attracted to me still but because of my behaviour it didn’t matter how much he fancied me.

I could be with a guy today now if I clicked my fingers he would be there for me and adore me and not hurt me at all, he knows all the shit and gets me and what I need. I don’t have that initial attraction to him though but maybe I have to be with someone that’s good for my soul.

I’m attracted to fuckboys, beautiful looking guys and I can pull them but they ain’t gonna invest in me when they could have another bird that don’t have my issues.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Out there again

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Out there again

That's a nice thumb steve

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Any man has the capacity to be a fuckboy.

But if a man is truly attracted to a woman, the right woman, his lobster. Then men change. Not all, but most do.

You just need to find the right man for you.

And yes it’s easier said than done. But love and happiness don’t work along a time schedule, they rock up when you least expect it.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Lobster ?

Luna Lobster ?

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

"Out there again

That's a nice thumb steve"
it’s in proportion with my cock.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When I’m attracted to the guys that I’m attracted to they just ain’t gonna put in the level of care I need, especially in the early days because the guys I’m into have a plentiful supply of women.

I’m attracted to fuckboys, beautiful looking guys and I can pull them but they ain’t gonna invest in me when they could have another bird that don’t have my issues. "

In addition to the fucktoy vs ‘devoted but dull’ options you have identified, how about the ‘single learning to love myself and make good choices’ option?

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

"Lobster ?

Luna Lobster ? "

It’s a Friends quote.

I was having a Phoebe Buffay moment. Sorry Granny

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I looked it up .......

Lobster ...... ewwwwwwwwwwwwww awwwwwww but ewwwwwwwwww

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Bring back the old days of actually going out and meeting people in person, maybe even as far back as when you couldn't dump/stand someone up someone by text either, people had less opportunity to be ghosty twats then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In addition to the fucktoy vs ‘devoted but dull’ options you have identified, how about the ‘single learning to love myself and make good choices’ option?"

Excellent suggestion.

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

If you read the many threads on what people want on here you’ll see that the general consensus is a beautiful face will attract but a personality will keep someone interested. You put too much emphasis on what you look like. Step back and find some peace within yourself.

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

"Wow "

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’m attracted to fuckboys, beautiful looking guys and I can pull them but they ain’t gonna invest in me when they could have another bird that don’t have my issues.

In addition to the fucktoy vs ‘devoted but dull’ options you have identified, how about the ‘single learning to love myself and make good choices’ option?"

I’ve been single best part of 10 years, think I’ve paid my dues with regards to being alone.

I haven’t made good choices so far by going for the best looking guys so maybe I should try with the best treatment guys.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Ideally then, a combination of looks and personality?

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By *r MoriartyMan
over a year ago

The Land that time forgot (Norfolk)

I’m attracted to fuckboys, beautiful looking guys and I can pull them but they ain’t gonna invest in me when they could have another bird that don’t have my issues.

In addition to the fucktoy vs ‘devoted but dull’ options you have identified, how about the ‘single learning to love myself and make good choices’ option?

I’ve been single best part of 10 years, think I’ve paid my dues with regards to being alone.

I haven’t made good choices so far by going for the best looking guys so maybe I should try with the best treatment guys. "

Have you still relaxed your Willy requirements?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Have you still relaxed your Willy requirements? "

Yeah, no minimum entry now just decent girth.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

"I’ve been single best part of 10 years, think I’ve paid my dues with regards to being alone.

I haven’t made good choices so far by going for the best looking guys so maybe I should try with the best treatment guys. "

Paid your dues ? It’s not a punishment being ‘alone’ it’s a blessing. I’d rather be on my own than with someone who isn’t right for me.

Do you really think ‘best treatment’ guys are going to make you feel better ? I’d look at that again based on all of your own comments made here and in other threads

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

C.F. Women don't NEED men. Want them yes but need them no.

Do you validate yourself through being with a man ?

Why not live a life doing what you want ? without being encumbered.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve been single over 10 years

Better that, than with someone who doesn’t deserve me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To know the context read the first post in my ‘Stood up’ thread.

So to clarify, how do you build up your self esteem and should I put myself back out there again or just retreat into my shell and not bother?

I know moving forward that I won’t engage in any sexual chat and won’t send any pictures of myself in future when speaking to a new (non fab) guy. "

Hey I must have missed the previous thread , I hope your ok doll . Rejection is shit and cue the fact your due on will be even worse xx

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I haven’t made good choices so far by going for the best looking guys so maybe I should try with the best treatment guys. "

The way people look doesn't always matter, Mr Ruggers was not what I would have considered my type of who I normally went for. We clicked, we fell in love. He was obviously my type

Get to know people for who they are rather than what they look like if you are looking for a relationship and try and work on your issues that you know you have.

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By *he riverdeep69Couple
over a year ago

North west ish

Sounds like you need to deal with your issues before you get into another relationship, otherwise you will be making the same mistakes over and over. Maybe go back to your GP and explain how much this is affecting your life to see if your referral can be expidated.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To know the context read the first post in my ‘Stood up’ thread.

So to clarify, how do you build up your self esteem and should I put myself back out there again or just retreat into my shell and not bother?

I know moving forward that I won’t engage in any sexual chat and won’t send any pictures of myself in future when speaking to a new (non fab) guy. "

After reading a few of the comments on this thread and from others I really want to ask you if you've had a good length of time being single? I had two years at one pount where I was very isolated, had no family and was shunned by neighbours over something trivial. And I have to say it was bloody hard at first but it ended up being one of the best times in my life. Got to know myself so well and learned what I would and wouldn't put up with. I also learned that I could survive being isolated and came out the other end having some really good people in my life.

When they say you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else will it's true.

I'd highly recommend it. Learn your strengths and weaknesses. Learn you. The rest soon falls into place.

I also have a shitty childhood story, a dysfunctional family background and a shitty ex story. You can get past all of this. Belive me.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

This is an issue for therapy. If you can't access therapy, self help including self help books. Books which have helped me include Kristin Neff on self compassion, the book Toxic Parents, and books on managing PTSD. Find outlets for growing love for yourself, reducing anxiety, building yourself by yourself and for yourself.

It's not easy. Trust me, I know better than anyone.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

"Haven't we been here before op, several times?

I understand that you have your issues. Sort them out and move on.

Good luck

Did your conversations and arranged date with this man have anything to do with the childhood issues?

From what I can see the man led you on, told you right up until late that he was still up for the meet...I put that down to him being an arse rather than being your own fault.

No, I shouldn’t have done the sexual talk with this guy or sent him pictures but my head is just scrambled.

You sound like you are pinning all your 'cures' for how you are feeling and your emotional issues, upon finding a man. A man will not be the 'magic cure'. You need to work on the issues you are having yourself. You need to find happiness and peace within yourself. Learn to love yourself, let go of your past, and move on to a brighter future.

If the NHS have a long waiting list then try to pay privately to get the help you need. You can't sit around just waiting for things to get better, you need to be pro active.

We genuinely hope you can find a find happier place and contentment with yourself, then perhaps look at finding a man to share your life with, but you have to come first.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cluster fucktress...you are a smoking hot babe...the geezer who didn't turn up, just bottled it...he over sold himself and knew he couldn’t deliver....

Yes you may be attracted to fuk boys and pretty boy knob heads but that's life... why would you go out with someone you didn't fancy just because they turn up on time and drive a sensible car... the right fella will turn up, just stop looking so hard...

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