FabSwingers.com forum: Depression and so called friends

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hi Paul here.

Just need to say this somewere as my friends in real life are bad.

I've been diagnosed with depression a while ago and its seriously kicking my arse.

Just need a friend to be with me. For chat and hug.

I have two lady friends who are lil bit more than friends.

One is local and weve slept together alot but shes decided to stay with her fiancee. We are still close but not as much support from me.

The second one is localish who I've not meet yet. But we always txt and talk on the phone.

But recently since I opened up shes saying I'm pushing and not being fair.

Dont know why I bother. Just need people to talk to

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Lots of people to chat to on here

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Lots of people to chat to on here"

Thank you very tough

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

find your local Mind they usual have a pop in cafe area where you can meet and chat with fellow sufererers plus they offer 1 on 1 counciling sesions they can be a massive help failing that DONT try to force folk to help you especialy intimate partners they either will or thet wont if they want to

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

It can be really hard. Knowing how much of your burden you can share, not burdening others too much. Taking turns lifting each other.

It shouldn't be a gendered thing: maybe your male friends might understand more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes it's hard for men to open up about things. Maybe they're depressed too. Do they know you're depressed?

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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago

Serendipity

Is your GP seeing you regularly, to check your medication is working?

The Samaritans and Mind are really good resources too.

Are there other friends or family you can chat to besides these two ladies you’ve spoken of?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fella here - This problem tried to kick my arse a few years back and I was on all the meds too.

Woke up one day and thought fuck this shit, slowly came off the meds and as hard as it was just got myself out there. That was 2 years ago and I've never looked back since.

Good luck fella and just chat on the forums on here if it helps, you'll come good

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By *ants cockWoman
over a year ago

lincoln

"Hi Paul here.

Just need to say this somewere as my friends in real life are bad.

I've been diagnosed with depression a while ago and its seriously kicking my arse.

Just need a friend to be with me. For chat and hug.

I have two lady friends who are lil bit more than friends.

One is local and weve slept together alot but shes decided to stay with her fiancee. We are still close but not as much support from me.

The second one is localish who I've not meet yet. But we always txt and talk on the phone.

But recently since I opened up shes saying I'm pushing and not being fair.

Dont know why I bother. Just need people to talk to

I’ve found friends arnt always the best people to talk to . An if they are just play mates definitely not. Samaritan s have a helpline. I’ve found them helpful in the past. Find people who are trained or want to talk. Relate is a free counselling service too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Look to professional help and it will help with your friends too. Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"find your local Mind they usual have a pop in cafe area where you can meet and chat with fellow sufererers plus they offer 1 on 1 counciling sesions they can be a massive help failing that DONT try to force folk to help you especialy intimate partners they either will or thet wont if

they want to "

I'm not forcing anyone just need a friend

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Fella here - This problem tried to kick my arse a few years back and I was on all the meds too.

Woke up one day and thought fuck this shit, slowly came off the meds and as hard as it was just got myself out there. That was 2 years ago and I've never looked back since.

Good luck fella and just chat on the forums on here if it helps, you'll come good

Thank you

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Make sure you're seeking appropriate professional help, OP. Friends have limits as to what they can handle. I speak from experience! And they aren't always there when you need them, and they can burn out.

If you're looking for new friends... New friends are very risky when you're suffering. You don't know how they'll react, it may not be positive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I realise and understand that with depression often comes a feeling of isolation but there are people out there that will listen. Without wanting to sound harsh a potential playmate that you've not met probably isn't the best person to seek support from and i can understand their hesitance.

If you are looking for support there are some excellent suggestions on here already and I'd also suggest seeking out online forums and support groups I find them a great help. And if you are seeking friends through loneliness then there was a great tghread about that on here recently which is worth seeking out

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Make sure you're seeking appropriate professional help, OP. Friends have limits as to what they can handle. I speak from experience! And they aren't always there when you need them, and they can burn out.

If you're looking for new friends... New friends are very risky when you're suffering. You don't know how they'll react, it may not be positive. "

I have got professional help

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

If you're looking for new friends... New friends are very risky when you're suffering. You don't know how they'll react, it may not be positive.

I have got professional help "

I'm glad.

But friendship carries risks in this situation, particularly new friendship, and particularly where you're hoping that lust will be a part of it. Be careful. (I speak from experience of my own psychological issues)

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By *unandfriendship4uMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Im ex soldier and understand your struggle.

1. Get out and about.fresh air is good.

2.dont be afraid to talk and vent.

3. Join groups meet people and most of all. Dont let every day bills and life get to you.

Remember problem shared and all that.

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By *ightkitty4uWoman
over a year ago

Epsom

Remember “everything is temporary” those 3 simple words have helped me through a lot of stuff!

Also depression is the inability to construct a future - Rollo May. My other fave quote on the subject!

I’ve found friends cannot cope with “my problems” I’ve been to counselling which I found helped me immensely, I got given the tools to help, know my triggers, know how to stop a big black angry unhappy cloud forming above me, I still get my clouds, but they a grey clouds...

Pills, those didn’t work for me, friends those well I tell them what they want to hear, when asked how am I I simple reply would you like the truth or the lie? You can’t tell by that if they can handle the truth or want to know!!

I have a few people I’ve meet of here who have been so helpful, checking up on me, just a simple how are you text.

Unfortunately you can get help for depression, but you can’t find a individual to pull you out of the hole, you’ve got to climb those walls yourself, with a small support team at the top encouraging you.... no one will throw you a rope...

This off course is my personal experience and everyone is completely different and depression comes in many forms.

When you talk to friends about it, tell them little bits, little bits you think they can handle... I have a friend I tell my money troubles too, he is good with figures... then another friend knows about my day to day problems, like leaving my lunch at home, forgetting to do something... and so forth... not one person is burdened with it all....

I wish you on the best and sorry this post is so long!! Xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You titled your post 'so called friends'. And that you noticed change since opening up. There will be. Any news of illness of any sort would cause a reaction.. not always one we wanted. I hope you find comfort in other things too as some suggested. When the comfort is outsourced to other people.. you are no longer in control of it and on this fight you might need this feeling even more than usual. Just a different perspective. X

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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay

Sending love OP.

Depression is deeply personal and can be isolating even when surrounded with friends. I know this.

Others can never fully understand your experience and can have no idea how to support you unless you're clear. And still, its difficult to get it right, even when there's plenty love in their heart.

Please love yourself. Be brave enough to give yourself exactly what you know you need..you are the only one that truly knows. Know yourself deeper than ever, tiny steps.

Professional help can be hitty missy and not always enough..have you ever tried something like yoga or meditation? These techniques can be great for gently reeducating the mind..breaking old stuck patterns. And you're part of a group.

It can be good support especially if you're embarking on therapy which is a big process. If groups are too much, try mindful meditations online.

Try giving to yourself the gift of life. Stripped back, simple, breathing and eating and sleeping. If your friends cant give what you need .. give it to yourself, life will open up eventually when the time is right x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is your GP seeing you regularly, to check your medication is working?

The Samaritans and Mind are really good resources too.

Are there other friends or family you can chat to besides these two ladies you’ve spoken of? "

And a health check

Like blood pressure

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By *scanioMan
over a year ago

Runcorn

Talking is a form of therapy, I am sure there are plenty of people you can chat with on here. You are not alone pal, just start talking.......

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Travelling

Been in a similar place, I found that a lot of people are friendly and there for you only when it works for them even though they love to make out that they are there for you whenever you need them. They quickly disappear or backtrack once you actually do.

There are of course a few diamonds in the rough, which trying to find them kept me focused and my mind busy. You have professional help which is good. Set yourself a goal you can do alone and work towards that.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Illness causes people to keep away from you, so does grief, in fact any misfortune does. The ones who stick by you are your genuine friends. The reality is that someone you've never met and a woman who has a fiance were never likely to step up. People have suggested alternatives to you, use them.

I hope you find the help you need.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

Unfortunately OP even the closet of friends will appear to back off, not want to help. It’s not because they don’t want to, it’s because they don’t know how to help.

As people have said already, seek that professional help and talk things through. If you need more information PM me

Find something to focus on that you enjoy, could be as simple as going for a walk. It’s not an easy road, don’t try to fix everything at once, take one day at a time.

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"Hi Paul here.

Just need to say this somewere as my friends in real life are bad.

I've been diagnosed with depression a while ago and its seriously kicking my arse.

Just need a friend to be with me. For chat and hug.

I have two lady friends who are lil bit more than friends.

One is local and weve slept together alot but shes decided to stay with her fiancee. We are still close but not as much support from me.

The second one is localish who I've not meet yet. But we always txt and talk on the phone.

But recently since I opened up shes saying I'm pushing and not being fair.

Dont know why I bother. Just need people to talk to

Check out my recent thread

Time for change

You are not alone feeling alone if that helps.

I know exactly how you feel.

Peace and love bro

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Unfortunately OP even the closet of friends will appear to back off, not want to help. It’s not because they don’t want to, it’s because they don’t know how to help.

As people have said already, seek that professional help and talk things through. If you need more information PM me

Find something to focus on that you enjoy, could be as simple as going for a walk. It’s not an easy road, don’t try to fix everything at once, take one day at a time. "

That top paragraph is so so true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I must add you don't know how these ladies mental health is themselves.

I have suffered depression and PTSD, and I'm someone many people lean on in multiple areas.

If I'm in "could teeter downwards" mode myself I find I simply have no more of myself to give without it having a detrimental impact on me and possibly the other person too, by not being a good friend, by offering bad advice, by sending me into a bad spell.

Sometimes people need to appear selfish to protect themselves unfortunately.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

[Removed by poster at 28/12/19 11:13:38]

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I must add you don't know how these ladies mental health is themselves.

I have suffered depression and PTSD, and I'm someone many people lean on in multiple areas.

Sometimes people need to appear selfish to protect themselves unfortunately.

I so agree with this.

My mother has suffered with long periods of untreated depression all her life. As a child this impacted on me hugely and now I find it very difficult to support depressed friends.

I would suggest to anybody in the midst of this horrible illness to talk to friends and close ones when you're well. Let them know how you feel and what you need from them when you're ill and help them to understand that your behaviour is caused by the illness not you. It probably won't make the experience easier but it might mean the support you need is easier to get.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Yes. Find people who might support you. Expecting people to just be able to do the heavy lifting may destabilise both of you.

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By *ryst In IsoldeWoman
over a year ago

your imagination

Find a local support group or counselling service.

While it's nice to have friends who can help or support, remember it's not their 'job' to pick you up or to be there whenever you want. They have their lives too, as does your family. Ultimately your own wellbeing is your own responsibility. Don't rely too heavily on any one or two people, it's not healthy either for you or them.

With regard to the lady who feels pressured since you opened up... I can fully understand that. There are people who use mental health issues and people's fear that they may self-harm to manipulate others to their will. I have experience of that myself...

Some people simply aren't comfortable with mental health issues (through no fault of their own), or feel ill-equipped to deal with such issues. Some may have had bad experiences. You haven't even met, so I'm not sure why you mentioned it to her, but it's clearly become an issue for her if she now feels pressured.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Sometimes occasionally men feel that women they're physically intimate with are their only avenue for emotional intimacy. It's not true and it's not fair on anyone.

It's 2019. Men can talk about feelings and women aren't automatically counsellors.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Go to the gym. Or do some form of exercise. A anti depressant in itself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm lucky to have a few people I can talk to although it's hard to open up at times as not all of them know about my sexuality and our swinging life

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sending love OP.

Depression is deeply personal and can be isolating even when surrounded with friends. I know this.

Others can never fully understand your experience and can have no idea how to support you unless you're clear. And still, its difficult to get it right, even when there's plenty love in their heart.

Please love yourself. Be brave enough to give yourself exactly what you know you need..you are the only one that truly knows. Know yourself deeper than ever, tiny steps.

It can be good support especially if you're embarking on therapy which is a big process. If groups are too much, try mindful meditations online.

Thank you. I tried to message you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Im ex soldier and understand your struggle.

1. Get out and about.fresh air is good.

2.dont be afraid to talk and vent.

3. Join groups meet people and most of all. Dont let every day bills and life get to you.

Remember problem shared and all that. "

Cheers mate. I'm in the gym alot while on holiday from work. Love it keeps me sane

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

I don't think fab is a good place to be if you're feeling low.

You've got to learn to love yourself and constant rejection is rough if you're not mentally strong

I'd forget sex and get out into the open air as that will do you good as will exercise.

Join a club linked to your pastime or hobby or something new and meeting people with a common interest is great for conversations

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've done one of the hardest things to do with depression and that's open up about it. Loads of us blokes don't because it's not a blokey thing to do which is complete bollocks. So fair play to you fella. You'll find lots of people in this site to chat to and get advice from. Try to keep your chin up

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By *uilder506Man
over a year ago

bognor

"Hi Paul here.

Just need to say this somewere as my friends in real life are bad.

I've been diagnosed with depression a while ago and its seriously kicking my arse.

Just need a friend to be with me. For chat and hug.

I have two lady friends who are lil bit more than friends.

One is local and weve slept together alot but shes decided to stay with her fiancee. We are still close but not as much support from me.

The second one is localish who I've not meet yet. But we always txt and talk on the phone.

But recently since I opened up shes saying I'm pushing and not being fair.

Dont know why I bother. Just need people to talk to

I’m a full time single dad and know exactly what you’re feeling .

Just a random morning or hey how you doing text makes the world of difference x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Lots of people to chat to on here

Thank you very tough "

Yes it can be tough. Men and women suffer depression and everyone of us need a friend who we can chat to. In the middle of the day and on occasion the middle of the night. I'm lucky to have a school mate that has gone through alot of similar things as myself, she doesn't know I'm on here though. Helping people sometimes takes your mind off what you are going through for a while and can give you a boost. But there are also people out there that help you get lifted up but won't open up to you when you can tell they are low. There are always swings and roundabouts in life, you have to work out who you can talk to and how much they are helping. All these things have been said so hopefully you will be able to find 1 or 2 that can help as well as the professionals xx good luck Paul, well done for opening up xx

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I don't think fab is a good place to be if you're feeling low.

You've got to learn to love yourself and constant rejection is rough if you're not mentally strong

I'd forget sex and get out into the open air as that will do you good as will exercise.

Join a club linked to your pastime or hobby or something new and meeting people with a common interest is great for conversations

Good luck"

Fab takes a lot of resilience and can tax it.

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