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Can you escape an abusive relationship?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hopefully it's giving people in similar relationships some strength. Whether they stay or leave.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t. I stopped watching soaps about 10 years ago when they were no longer fun, light entertainment.

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By *cloversCouple
over a year ago

Hull


"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too."

Yes you can leave an abusive relationship but it's not as easy as people imagine it to be.

It took me 16yrs 16yrs of hell.

I am now married to Mr KC who is an amazing man & human being

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Hopefully it's giving people in similar relationships some strength. Whether they stay or leave. "
Yes I hope so as well it does that too

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By *hezuMan
over a year ago

London

Wow eastenders still exists..

Yeah you can get out of it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can, but people telling that person "why you didnt leave earlier" or "why are you still with him" are not helpful. It is like a spiderweb carefully knitted over months and years and holding you tight the more you try to wriggle out.

There is a great power wheel image which shows the dynamics of it.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I left. However I haven't really escaped. It's been 4 years and he's still stalking me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2019/oct/08/victorian-melodrama-gaslight-love-island-psychological-abuse-patrick-hamilton-play-buzzword

Go and watch this!

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

You can change anything if you put your mind to it and are prepared to make what are sometimes painful sacrifices to your lifestyle.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too.

Yes you can leave an abusive relationship but it's not as easy as people imagine it to be.

It took me 16yrs 16yrs of hell.

I am now married to Mr KC who is an amazing man & human being

"
That is good

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Yes, my mum did. My biological Father was physically abusive. It took her awhile, but she got there.

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By *weet-cheeks100Woman
over a year ago

Staffordshire

Yes!

With the right help, support and guidance.....

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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL

Yes, it took me 13 years and a stay in a women's refuge with 2 small children. I left everything being and had to start from nothing when they finally rehoused me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago

all loved up

Its hard.. people seem to think that if it was that bad that you would just walk out. But its never just that easy. But it is possible. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes. I did, eventually.

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By *uciyassMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Yes you can. Some times easily a lot more difficult. Always remember it’s about you who’s abused and that if the abuser won’t go of their own free will. You just have to take a deep breath and take that plunge no matter how scary it may look

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

To answer the question based on how it is presented in the title. It's simple, yes you can. There is no other answer.

The details of it though are far from straight forward or simple.

As others have stated getting to the point of escaping is the hard part. And it can require tremendous amounts of courage and strength. Then lots of support to escape the scars it leaves on your life, even that can be overcome with the right help and the same strength and courage.

I think a good number of people underestimate how difficult it can be.

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By *pitfiremk10Man
over a year ago

Gloucester


"To answer the question based on how it is presented in the title. It's simple, yes you can. There is no other answer.

The details of it though are far from straight forward or simple.

As others have stated getting to the point of escaping is the hard part. And it can require tremendous amounts of courage and strength. Then lots of support to escape the scars it leaves on your life, even that can be overcome with the right help and the same strength and courage.

I think a good number of people underestimate how difficult it can be. "
Definitely this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males. "

It can be less scary to stay. The most dangerous time is leaving because the abuser loses the control over the person.

When the person has been emotionally and mentally abused they feel worthless. 'Why leave when no-one else will ever love them.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

It can be less scary to stay. The most dangerous time is leaving because the abuser loses the control over the person.

When the person has been emotionally and mentally abused they feel worthless. 'Why leave when no-one else will ever love them.' "

This. The support has to be multidisciplinary - counselling, women centre, local domestic violence charities, any other relevant. Some don't realise they are being abused until they are told by a third person. Some dont share what is happening in the fear of being forced to leave and face unknown. The unknown the abuser kept making them anxious about - you won't manage without me. And if you one keeps being fed that poison on daily basis, it becomes their inner mantra. There are so many painful stories out there.

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By *inx80Woman
over a year ago

London

Having an abusive person in your life, romantic or not, is such a soul-sucking experience.

Some people are masters at manipulation and getting out starts to look like a completely impossible mission.

If you're in an abusive relationship, please don't stay quiet. That's what the bastards rely upon - your silence gives them the courage to take the abuse further. Your ARE worth so much more than that shit.

Sorry if this a bit rambly!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By *aven RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

It can be done. It is hard, quite possibly one of the scariest things to do but it can be done x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes it can be done, is it easy? No it takes more courage than you think you’re capable of. Short term it’s a time of self doubt and constant questions of have I done the right thing. But long term it’s so worth it x

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Was in a both emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 20 years. It took every once of my strength to leave and some help from some incredible people. And yes as noted on here that period where you're gearing up to leave was the most dangerous. But it was worth it in the end.

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By *eoeclipseWoman
over a year ago

glasgow


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males. "

This is often why it takes so long to leave, they stay through fear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can physically escape it- I did

However the lasting mental damage stays with you.

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By *inx80Woman
over a year ago

London


"Was in a both emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 20 years. It took every once of my strength to leave and some help from some incredible people. And yes as noted on here that period where you're gearing up to leave was the most dangerous. But it was worth it in the end. "

Help and support from others is pretty essential in this, I feel. You sort of need that faith that not all human beings are bullying fucks.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land


"Was in a both emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 20 years. It took every once of my strength to leave and some help from some incredible people. And yes as noted on here that period where you're gearing up to leave was the most dangerous. But it was worth it in the end.

Help and support from others is pretty essential in this, I feel. You sort of need that faith that not all human beings are bullying fucks. "

Yes exactly it's that knowledge that it isn't normal and acceptable to be treated so badly

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By *nnnikCouple
over a year ago

Walsall

Yes u can. Took me 15yrs, some think they can't do it because they have to start again and all that hard work u av put in.... Ya think it's just wasted time on ya life, which I did at first but after the support from police, social workers and the women who run the homes ya go to... I put my hands up to them cause without them, I wouldn't be here now!!

Sorry for long comment

Titch xx

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By *pitfiremk10Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

As others I don't watch the soaps but the subject is real for me. I married without realising what turned out to be a total control freak and was with her for 23 yrs, it was only a chance meeting with someone that enlightened me and realise I was with a narcissist. By this time it was in total meltdown in the relationship but I asked the professionals what is the cure only to be told there is no cure so live with it or leave. Hardest decision to make but had to be ultra careful prior to leaving as others have stated. But the relief to escape is immeasurable I assure you so now I'm free and myself again happily living in Spain. Support network has been priceless.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"You can physically escape it- I did

However the lasting mental damage stays with you. "

This is basically what I was going to post!

No one can see the scars from emotional or mental abuse, nor how it affects you day to day and your future relationships.

Being made to feel worthless by your partner over several years isn't something that you just walk away from.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

I (Luke) left an abusive relationship at the beginning of the year.

My ex is going to take half of everything I own - house, car, pension, shares etc. - and is severely restricting my access to our children.

Whatever she throws at me in all her rage and hate, I know this: I did the right thing.

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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

I left one a few years ago. My ex was spiralling into depression (which I could deal with) but I had never realised how manipulative she was until it all compounded with the depression. I forgave her a lot when I should have walked..

In the end she assaulted both me and my daughter. I walked. I even tried to get her counselling. She assaulted me again.

After I finally got my stuff from hers i never looked back. She still owes me 14k (which she managed to talk me into when i was in a bad place). But i have happily written that off in exchange for never seeing her again. I didn't only move on, but with a little counselling i moved up. A better, stronger person than i was before.

I'm just glad i never lost my ability to trust and love..

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By *pitfiremk10Man
over a year ago

Gloucester


"You can physically escape it- I did

However the lasting mental damage stays with you.

This is basically what I was going to post!

No one can see the scars from emotional or mental abuse, nor how it affects you day to day and your future relationships.

Being made to feel worthless by your partner over several years isn't something that you just walk away from.

"

THIS

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I left but he still manipulates by taking my kids and influencing them not to see their mum. Heartbreaking. I don't watch soaps, I have enough drama in my life don't need to watch it in my precious down time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too."

Well ahead of the times are East Enders Lol. They even broadcast the first gay kiss I think...

As for escaping an abusive relationship, yep. Just smash the fucker in the face with something really heavy if they even breathe on you when angry. If that’s not an option, call the coppers/friends/family. And leave. Immediately.

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

It's very hard to leave an abusive relationship, not matter what kind of abuse is going on. Some time you don't see it as abusive, it's just that relationship and how it works.

Some types of abuse can been seen others can't be seen.

I got out of an abusive marriage, I still have the mental and physical scares, the physical ones fade...the mental ones don't!

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males. "

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving. "

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. "

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. "

Personally think that to make a choice to live in permanent fear, as well as being horrifically sad, would require an enormous amount of courage.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go. "

Statistically speaking, the time when a person leaves their abuser is when they're at most risk of dying. Abusers ramp up when their power is threatened.

You can get used to the abuse. The unknown of having to escape - and how long until that escape is final, if ever? - is a lot more terrifying.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

It's f@cking hard and f@cking scary but yes you can get out.

And once you're outside of all that shit you'll look back and think why on earth did I put up with that for so long.

When you're living it, awful become normal.

A hug of support to anyone going through this currently.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences. "

Exactly this.

Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated.

The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle.

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne


"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too."

Yes but they have to be ready. Our daughter was in an abusive relationship which was awful to watch as we could do nothing and she was so young yet classed as an adult. We tried everything from reasoning, to pleading, even cutting contact completely nothing worked. We fully expected to get a phone call from the police telling us the worse. After a year of no contact we did get a call from the police but it was to say that she wanted to escape and needed somewhere to go. That was three years ago and she has completely turned her life around.

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By *elshsunsWoman
over a year ago

Flintshire

Yep you can .. needs a lot of planning but it can be done

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

Yes you can leave but it takes a lot of will power to and a lot of guts to. Normally by the time you realise it is abusive you have been in it so long it has become normal and you're confidence has been knocked so much you feel like you are worthless and it's almost easier to stay in a relationship like that than make the more to get out. Usually something will happen that just becomes the final straw and it's then you have to decide to make the more and get out or continue on knowing things will only keep getting worse.

But yes you can get out and one day you look back and wonder how you allowed someone to do that stuff to you and are so happy you did go even if it was hard to get away.

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By *abonWoman
over a year ago

L’boro/Ashby & Cheltenham


"https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2019/oct/08/victorian-melodrama-gaslight-love-island-psychological-abuse-patrick-hamilton-play-buzzword

Go and watch this! "

Why such short showings?!...I’d love to see this but won’t get to London in the next 10 days.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes you can escape. I'm proof...

It doesn't happen overnight and wasn't easy, but I got out.

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

You can. I did.

It took a long time to put certain things behind me, I still have bad days.

And with children involved, he will never be completely out of my life, but he no longer has any control over how I live it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You can physically escape it- I did

However the lasting mental damage stays with you.

This is basically what I was going to post!

No one can see the scars from emotional or mental abuse, nor how it affects you day to day and your future relationships.

Being made to feel worthless by your partner over several years isn't something that you just walk away from.

"

I don’t think you ever fully recover from that. X

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Yes you can leave but it takes a lot of will power to and a lot of guts to. Normally by the time you realise it is abusive you have been in it so long it has become normal and you're confidence has been knocked so much you feel like you are worthless and it's almost easier to stay in a relationship like that than make the more to get out. Usually something will happen that just becomes the final straw and it's then you have to decide to make the more and get out or continue on knowing things will only keep getting worse.

But yes you can get out and one day you look back and wonder how you allowed someone to do that stuff to you and are so happy you did go even if it was hard to get away. "

This is so true. I didn't realise it was abuse until about a month after we split up. I left because I found out he had cheated on me for three months and that was something he had a harder time turning around to be my fault. Boy did he try though and he still insists that it was because I didn't give him enough sex or attention despite the fact he constantly rejected me sexually and used sex as a weapon to humiliate and hurt me.

It was a little unnerving though when I was interviewed by police three years later after I reported the continued harrassment. It appears it often follows very similar patterns as I felt like they already knew what happened with every question they asked. The initial honeymoon phase followed by a gradual decline, the mind games, the suicide threats, the shaming of my body, what I ate, what I wore and my personal hygiene, the way you eventually learn never to challenge anything they do as the extreme escalation of any conflict isn't worth it, the constant character assassination, them gradually deciding they dislike every member of your family and friends, the cover stories they have about their "crazy exs", the constant state of anxiety you end up living in and the way you learn to spot the early warning signs and try to placate them. Yet I never realised it was abuse at the time. Kind of scary.

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

Yes you can leave but it takes a lot of will power to and a lot of guts to. Normally by the time you realise it is abusive you have been in it so long it has become normal and you're confidence has been knocked so much you feel like you are worthless and it's almost easier to stay in a relationship like that than make the more to get out. Usually something will happen that just becomes the final straw and it's then you have to decide to make the more and get out or continue on knowing things will only keep getting worse.

But yes you can get out and one day you look back and wonder how you allowed someone to do that stuff to you and are so happy you did go even if it was hard to get away.

This is so true. I didn't realise it was abuse until about a month after we split up. I left because I found out he had cheated on me for three months and that was something he had a harder time turning around to be my fault. Boy did he try though and he still insists that it was because I didn't give him enough sex or attention despite the fact he constantly rejected me sexually and used sex as a weapon to humiliate and hurt me.

It was a little unnerving though when I was interviewed by police three years later after I reported the continued harrassment. It appears it often follows very similar patterns as I felt like they already knew what happened with every question they asked. The initial honeymoon phase followed by a gradual decline, the mind games, the suicide threats, the shaming of my body, what I ate, what I wore and my personal hygiene, the way you eventually learn never to challenge anything they do as the extreme escalation of any conflict isn't worth it, the constant character assassination, them gradually deciding they dislike every member of your family and friends, the cover stories they have about their "crazy exs", the constant state of anxiety you end up living in and the way you learn to spot the early warning signs and try to placate them. Yet I never realised it was abuse at the time. Kind of scary.

That is so spot on. And when you see those warning signs that feeling in the pit of your stomach and you hope this time you can placate them and not mess up and cause it to escalate. It's only after you leave you realise you didn't actually mess up and they were going to escalate anyhow because they get a kick out of it. They enjoy inflicting the pain and the hurt. It's their way to control you. And it's all about control with them.After a while they never even say sorry and its always your fault. It's only when you get out you realise how bad it was. But one thing I will never forget is that feeling in your stomach when you know they are in one of those moods and you know what is probably going to happen. It is the worst most horrible feeling and no one should ever feel that way.

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By *cloversCouple
over a year ago

Hull

It so desperately sad that so many of us have been through such similar experiences. Without repeating what everyone else has sad so succinctly the worst part of my day was always the sound of the key in the door - for those who been in the same place - that will mean something to you and I don't need to expand any further.

But look at us now - we are here expressing who we are, being who we should be and loving life for the most part I expect? We have all survived - not without scars be those physical and emotional and we'll carry that toil for the remainder of our lives - but here we are nonetheless.

We are stronger than we thought we were, we are loved by the people who have always loved us, we are not the shit on the floor they made us feel we were - we are worth everything and more.

Big loves & hugs to each and every single one of you x

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

I could always send the boys round.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B

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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster


"Yes you can leave but it takes a lot of will power to and a lot of guts to. Normally by the time you realise it is abusive you have been in it so long it has become normal and you're confidence has been knocked so much you feel like you are worthless and it's almost easier to stay in a relationship like that than make the more to get out. Usually something will happen that just becomes the final straw and it's then you have to decide to make the more and get out or continue on knowing things will only keep getting worse.

But yes you can get out and one day you look back and wonder how you allowed someone to do that stuff to you and are so happy you did go even if it was hard to get away. "

This is so familiar it's scary.

Just remember kids, they rarely hit you with all the crazy at once. By the time it's full blown you are fully invested in the relationship, so it's harder to make that break. They have broken you down, their "eccentricities' are normalised..

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

It so desperately sad that so many of us have been through such similar experiences. Without repeating what everyone else has sad so succinctly the worst part of my day was always the sound of the key in the door - for those who been in the same place - that will mean something to you and I don't need to expand any further.

But look at us now - we are here expressing who we are, being who we should be and loving life for the most part I expect? We have all survived - not without scars be those physical and emotional and we'll carry that toil for the remainder of our lives - but here we are nonetheless.

We are stronger than we thought we were, we are loved by the people who have always loved us, we are not the shit on the floor they made us feel we were - we are worth everything and more.

Big loves & hugs to each and every single one of you x

So beautifully said. I couldn't agree more

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough


"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B"

Having a good man like you by her side obviously helps.

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

This so very complex issue I would like to think if someone need to escape that the support would be there for them ..

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By *roticGoddessXXWoman
over a year ago

Richmond

YES, you can escape the situation, but it's damn hard escaping your own mind. The abuse remains in one form or another for years (still hoping it's not forever).

The longer or more severe the abuse, the harder it is to truly escape.

Still hear my ex's voice in my head, 5 years on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many years ago I (Hev)left a seriously violent 4 year relationship with my baby. It took a lot of time before he stopped stalking me though. He hired private detectives to follow me, harassed all my family by phone. Made threats, sat outside my home and tracked me down to a hotel and beat me up. It is not as easy as people think and unless you have been in that situation you cannot understand the fear. I did not think I would ever lead a normal life again, I was afraid to go out alone. He even continued to stalk me after I remarried and had another child. We moved 3 times and changed our names to escape him. My new marriage also became abusive, so there is also that danger to women of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, as they are vulnerable after leaving.

Now I am a widow and I don't often think of either of them.

Also my sisters ex fiance was subjected to nasty violence and abuse by his wife, so it's not just females who are the victims. Its men too but the help for men is more limited than it is for women. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Corse you can its not always easy but like anything all it takes is the will and determination to act

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By *cloversCouple
over a year ago

Hull


"YES, you can escape the situation, but it's damn hard escaping your own mind. The abuse remains in one form or another for years (still hoping it's not forever).

The longer or more severe the abuse, the harder it is to truly escape.

Still hear my ex's voice in my head, 5 years on."

Even after 21yrs of the end of my abusive marriage the damage still permeates into who I am every so often - years of abuse & pain still lingers, the self doubt & self loathing creeps in at times despite knowing I am not & never have been the person he made me feel I was

I am lucky that Mr KC came into my life and showed me what a real man, a real partner was & should be. He has built me up, showered me with love, respect & dignity & honesty. He stills listens to my doubts no matter how many times I express them, holds me everytime I cry when the pain returns.

Hold on to the life you have now, the life you want . . .don't settle for anything less

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences.

Exactly this.

Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated.

The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle. "

And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences.

Exactly this.

Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated.

The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle.

And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases. "

I stayed because I cut him far too much slack because he had been through things in childhood I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. That is probably why he ended up as he has. He was also capable of being very loving. It's just unfortunate that his issues led him to give and withold that side of himself to control others. I've since realised that while I can understand why he is as he is, I didn't deserve to be his emotional punchbag. He needs professional help and I can't provide that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences.

Exactly this.

Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated.

The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle.

And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases. "

Thanks for explaining it further. I still am not sure. Maybe from an observer point of view or a hindsight.. (for some).. it seems like it was an act of bravery to face that every day. And yes it was in a way. But if alongside you were losing your sense of identity, endangering your safety or health, then was that really done out of courage?

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By *cloversCouple
over a year ago

Hull


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences.

Exactly this.

Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated.

The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle.

And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases.

Thanks for explaining it further. I still am not sure. Maybe from an observer point of view or a hindsight.. (for some).. it seems like it was an act of bravery to face that every day. And yes it was in a way. But if alongside you were losing your sense of identity, endangering your safety or health, then was that really done out of courage? "

I highly doubt any of us were courageous for staying although obviously I can't speak for everyone. I certainly didn't stay because I was courageous.

I stayed because I felt

scared

Worthless

At fault

A rubbish wife & mother

I was nothing without him

No one would ever want me

No one would ever love me

I didn't love myself

That's not courageous - when you are left feeling like nothing - like shit on the floor, like this is all you deserve - that's not courageous

When you have no fight left, your spirit is crushed, when you can't speak up - that's not courageous.

The abusers did have the power - of course they did. It doesn't matter how they got this power or why they used it against us but yes they did have it and they used it by manipulating, scaring and beating us into nothing.

We weren't brave for staying - we didn't know how to leave.

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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences.

Exactly this.

Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated.

The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle.

And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases.

Thanks for explaining it further. I still am not sure. Maybe from an observer point of view or a hindsight.. (for some).. it seems like it was an act of bravery to face that every day. And yes it was in a way. But if alongside you were losing your sense of identity, endangering your safety or health, then was that really done out of courage?

I highly doubt any of us were courageous for staying although obviously I can't speak for everyone. I certainly didn't stay because I was courageous.

I stayed because I felt

scared

Worthless

At fault

A rubbish wife & mother

I was nothing without him

No one would ever want me

No one would ever love me

I didn't love myself

That's not courageous - when you are left feeling like nothing - like shit on the floor, like this is all you deserve - that's not courageous

When you have no fight left, your spirit is crushed, when you can't speak up - that's not courageous.

The abusers did have the power - of course they did. It doesn't matter how they got this power or why they used it against us but yes they did have it and they used it by manipulating, scaring and beating us into nothing.

We weren't brave for staying - we didn't know how to leave.

"

One of the reasons people stay is fear of the unknown. Especially with the emotional abuse, it takes away so much that you question your judgement. A lot of times they take control of other parts of your life, like finances, making it difficult to make a break. They tie you in emotionally, physically, financially.. any way they can maintain control.

Those of you that know me, know that I am a resourceful, very physical, very capable guy. Every now and then I still get momentary flashes of panic if I cut vegetables the wrong way. I'm lucky that seems to be my one remaining scar.. apart from the one on my ribs where she punched me with a set of keys as I left.

I am taking comfort in reading some of these posts about amazing strength in these situations. I never thought this shit would happen to me. It did. I was in a low place and made bad choices, she gave me easy options.. it wasnt until afterwards and the counsellor told me to my face that she had been emotionally abusing me, the fog lifted from my eyes. I was still making excuses for her. I hadn't done enough, worked hard enough, supported her enough...

No. It was her..

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By *nnnikCouple
over a year ago

Walsall

For one east enders is not real, nor does it reflect the true nature of abuse. Id rather rather watch road runner MEEP MEEP !!

nik

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Actually.. apparently when woman decides to leave.. then she is in the most danger. He is losing control so he might lose temper .

Saying all that, abusers are not just males.

This.

It's not as simple as just leaving.

I’m sure it’s not; but equally, the amount of courage to stay can’t possibly be any less than that required to go.

I don't think it is about courage to stay. In my view, its about feeling like you have nowhere to go or fear of leaving and the consequences.

Exactly this.

Having courage to stay would mean that you know that you're being controlled and manipulated.

The belief that you're worthless, that no one else would have you, being cut off from friends and family... Its fear that keeps people in the cycle.

And confronting a fear on a daily basis doesn’t take courage? I’ve no doubt there’ll be a myriad of reasons for why people stay, but I’d bet my house on them all having one thing in common. Courage. A natural reaction to fear is running. To stay and confront it, isn’t necessarily weakness. Every situation will be unique. Abusers don’t have any power at all, the fact they’re like they are in the first place comes from a deep loathing of who they are or who’ve they become, and probably down to the fact they don’t have any real success in life anyway. A lot of victims might stay behind out of sympathy in some cases. Misguided loyalty, but loyalty none the less. It might not have anything at all to do with people being controlled or scared in some cases.

Thanks for explaining it further. I still am not sure. Maybe from an observer point of view or a hindsight.. (for some).. it seems like it was an act of bravery to face that every day. And yes it was in a way. But if alongside you were losing your sense of identity, endangering your safety or health, then was that really done out of courage?

I highly doubt any of us were courageous for staying although obviously I can't speak for everyone. I certainly didn't stay because I was courageous.

I stayed because I felt

scared

Worthless

At fault

A rubbish wife & mother

I was nothing without him

No one would ever want me

No one would ever love me

I didn't love myself

That's not courageous - when you are left feeling like nothing - like shit on the floor, like this is all you deserve - that's not courageous

When you have no fight left, your spirit is crushed, when you can't speak up - that's not courageous.

The abusers did have the power - of course they did. It doesn't matter how they got this power or why they used it against us but yes they did have it and they used it by manipulating, scaring and beating us into nothing.

We weren't brave for staying - we didn't know how to leave.

"

Not for me to comment on your situation. And I am entitled to my opinion, and as you say, we can’t speak on everyone’s behalf. Courageous of you to share your story though and it’s great to know you got out. Let’s not debate semantics as to exactly what is was that lead to your being able to do that, because in the cold light of day, it doesn’t really matter. Words are just that, and interpreted differently by different people. It’s almost impossible to convey sentiment online.

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By *cloversCouple
over a year ago

Hull

Oh absolutely -we can't speak for everyone - even those of us that have trod similar paths.

I do like that we are all able to share on here - its good to talk as they say and I often feel that if others can hear the experiences of others, even if they differ, they may find a little bit of that courage or feel less alone with whatever their situation is x

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Everyone's experience will be different to each other. But I hope this thread demonstrates how much it varies from case to case. I looked like I had it all from and outsiders perspective even though it was a living hell. Anybody who needs to chat is always welcome,I will listen no matter what. And for anyone reading this thread who is thinking of leaving, you are braver than you can ever imagine and are kick arse xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it’s ace that Fab might be the only place in the world where folk can debate social and political issues in a very serious, and occasionally, sincerely caring manner...all whilst having a profile pic at the side of our arguments, that are invariably nobs and tits hanging out, or an arse cocked in the air. Astoundingly unique imho. Surely nowhere else has this level of kudos?

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By *ady23Woman
over a year ago

Coventry

Abuse comes in different forms. It takes courage and strength to escape it. Once u do u never look back and see the abuse r die the pathetic excuse of a person they really are. Onwards and upwards. Lives can turn around and u do move on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Abuse comes in different forms. It takes courage and strength to escape it. Once u do u never look back and see the abuse r die the pathetic excuse of a person they really are. Onwards and upwards. Lives can turn around and u do move on"

Sure do Time doesn’t stand still, and it’s pretty intolerant to those that do, sooner or later they’ll get dragged along with it. Never look back, we’re not going that way.

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By *DreamOfGenieWoman
over a year ago

London

A humbling thread to read. I've been in a physically and mentally abusive relationship previously which I was lucky enough to get out of after only 5 years, however that was more than long enough for the mental scars to take a firm hold and even now I'm still realising that the cause of some behaviours and reactions link directly back to that time.

The mistake I made was not trusting anyone around me enough to tell someone what was happening. My heart goes out to anyone who has been, or is, in a relationship like this - I hope you can gain strength from peoples' stories on this thread and know you're not alone, and there is a way out. xxx

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By *ady23Woman
over a year ago

Coventry


"A humbling thread to read. I've been in a physically and mentally abusive relationship previously which I was lucky enough to get out of after only 5 years, however that was more than long enough for the mental scars to take a firm hold and even now I'm still realising that the cause of some behaviours and reactions link directly back to that time.

The mistake I made was not trusting anyone around me enough to tell someone what was happening. My heart goes out to anyone who has been, or is, in a relationship like this - I hope you can gain strength from peoples' stories on this thread and know you're not alone, and there is a way out. xxx"

Well said

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think it’s ace that Fab might be the only place in the world where folk can debate social and political issues in a very serious, and occasionally, sincerely caring manner...all whilst having a profile pic at the side of our arguments, that are invariably nobs and tits hanging out, or an arse cocked in the air. Astoundingly unique imho. Surely nowhere else has this level of kudos? "

I know right.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B"

Thank you angel

Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.

If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?

Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"

That's not ok.

You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.

Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.

I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Not sure if you are following the latest story line in eastender about chantells relationship? She is trying to escape from it, but her hubby keeps blaming her that she is the reason why he hits her, so she feels trapped by the situation. I like it how eastenders take up such things that happens in real life too."

I have recently just finished some Domestic Abuse training and no it did not mean I had to hit anyone far from it. I work in this field where children are caught up in the domestic abuse in families. Which the bbc has not touched on with chantelles kids! She has lost the baby due to Gray punching her in the stomach. She should have reported him to the police long time ago. No one has to suffer domestic abuse and that even goes for trying to be a Narcasistic person

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By *cloversCouple
over a year ago

Hull


"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B

Thank you angel

Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.

If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?

Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"

That's not ok.

You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.

Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.

I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.

P"

That made me cry . . . . . cry with sadness and frustration for those still there and relief & happiness for those of us who have broke free

Such powerful words x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B

Thank you angel

Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.

If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?

Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"

That's not ok.

You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.

Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.

I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.

P

That made me cry . . . . . cry with sadness and frustration for those still there and relief & happiness for those of us who have broke free

Such powerful words x

"

It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.

For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"

Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.

Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.

He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"

That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.

I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.

P

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By *orthantsblueeyesMan
over a year ago

Northampton


"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B

Thank you angel

Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.

If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?

Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"

That's not ok.

You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.

Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.

I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.

P

That made me cry . . . . . cry with sadness and frustration for those still there and relief & happiness for those of us who have broke free

Such powerful words x

It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.

For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"

Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.

Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.

He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"

That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.

I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.

P "

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester


"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B

Thank you angel

Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.

If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?

Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"

That's not ok.

You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.

Our inbox is always open for anyone needing to talk about this subject. Judgement free.

I can't promise the answers but I can promise honesty and understanding. If I can give you nothing else, I can offer hope. Not hope they'll change, not hope this will be the last verbal or physical assault, but hope that you can live again, love again and breathe again.

P

That made me cry . . . . . cry with sadness and frustration for those still there and relief & happiness for those of us who have broke free

Such powerful words x

It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.

For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"

Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.

Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.

He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"

That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.

I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.

P "

No words P you’re such an inspiration to anyone going through hell.

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By *cloversCouple
over a year ago

Hull


"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B

Thank you angel

Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.

If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?

Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"

That's not ok.

You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.

It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.

For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"

Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.

Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.

He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"

That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.

I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.

P "

I woke up one morning and said "I'm done - I can't do this anymore"

There was no major drama, no big scene beforehand - just the incessant day to day drip drip of abuse.

I was so tired, so drained, so sick of being afraid of my own shadow.

I speak openly about what I went through in the hope that it will help anyone listening to gain strength or just give them the opportunity to open up to someone who knows, who cares, who will listen without judgement.

I had a breakdown when I finally broke free - it was like my body & my mind no longer had to be scared and live on the adrenaline and fear any more - I could finally let go and needed to shut down so I could start to recover

Thank you for sharing your life x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"P herself is testament to the fact that yes, you can, and I am touched by the way she gives many others on here hope, not just on how to escape and that it is possible, but on what the aftermath or long term consequences on your own psyche can be and how to deal with them.

Though to say that it isn't easy in such a toxic relationship can sadly be a massive understatement in a lot of circumstances.

B

Thank you angel

Thank you everyone that had commented and shared, there will be someone reading that this resonates with, and may highlight to them that they're in an abusive relationship, it may prick up their ears or open their eyes, and whilst a painful and utterly frightening realisation it's one that may need.

If that person is you... you can do this. You can break free. You aren't the worthless existence you feel you are, I promise you. You aren't going mad even though it seems like you are because nothing adds up or makes sense, because the thing you did wrong was the thing they told you to do. How does that work? I done what you said and now I'm wrong?

Better the devil you know is strangely "comfortable" even though it's an uncomfortable eggshell walking hell on earth, but it's what you know, it's become your "normal". That pit of dread and doom in your chest and stomach that you wish you could be without for just one fucking day, that's the sound of their car pulling up, or the text to question where you are, what you're doing, or the noticing the time and that they'll be home soon, or them calling your name from another room and you thinking "oh fuck, what have I done wrong this time?"

That's not ok.

You may not feel strong enough now, and I understand that, all of us who've been there understand that. One day it will happen. One day something will click inside you and you'll know it's time. Time to take back control, time to stop existing in daily hell and start living. Yes, the unknown is soooooooo fucking scary and it may take an awful lot of rebuilding to get your life back.... but you ARE worth it.

It's frustrating place to be when you can see it from the outside, you can almost feel what they're feeling coz you KNOW.

For me the strength came when I was tired believe it or not. I was tired of trying. Tired of being wrong even though I knew I was right, tired of voice recording things that were being said that I was told were never said, I'd "made up because I was a crazy bitch"

Now, I'm a crazy bitch yes, but KNEW I wasn't that crazy. I KNEW the truth no matter how much he tried to convince me I was going out of my mind. I was tired of waking up each morning after a shit nights sleep wondering if today was gonna he the day he finally killed me.

Truth is I had got to the point where I wished he WOULD just kill me, get it over and done with coz this eggshell bullshit had just ground me down to the point I no longer cared, just fucking do it.

He didn't though, he just kept on with the mind assault. I begged him to stop countless times. I've never begged for anything in my fucking life except that, that wasn't me. I even told him I felt suicidal and you know what the cunt said? "I wouldn't bother trying coz you wouldn't even get that right, go on, prove me wrong, get something right in your pathetic existence"

That was him trying to get me to kill myself. What a fucking legend. It was believing that's what he wanted that stopped me actually, that was when my inner self showed her strength. I was back, broken, battered but back, and no cunt was gonna step another foot on me.

I cried for 2 days almost solid when I got him out, not because I was sad, fuck, I'd had all the grieving done years before that, I cried because I felt unshackled and my lungs could feel the sweet nontoxic air again.

P

I woke up one morning and said "I'm done - I can't do this anymore"

There was no major drama, no big scene beforehand - just the incessant day to day drip drip of abuse.

I was so tired, so drained, so sick of being afraid of my own shadow.

I speak openly about what I went through in the hope that it will help anyone listening to gain strength or just give them the opportunity to open up to someone who knows, who cares, who will listen without judgement.

I had a breakdown when I finally broke free - it was like my body & my mind no longer had to be scared and live on the adrenaline and fear any more - I could finally let go and needed to shut down so I could start to recover

Thank you for sharing your life x

"

Thank you for sharing yours too. My breakdown came 15 months later. Didn't realise I had PTSD, there I was thinking I was unscathed until his new bird came looking for me. She was the one he was banging behind my back that I knew about in my gut but just couldn't catch them in the act. He hadn't bothered with the slowly slowly with her, he had shown his true colours much sooner. He admitted to her he tried to get me to kill myself or kick him out so he could play the victim. Anywhoo, a combination of that confirmation alongside someone at work lying about me tipped me. Work had been my "safe place" and to have one of my colleagues lie about me sent me over the edge. Full on breakdown. Like you say, the need to shut down and recover.

Doctor confirmed PTSD which I thought she was nuts, but when she explained work was the trigger (my safe place no longer being "safe") it all made sense. 9 months and counselling it took for me to build my confidence back up. That and wonderful friends.

I still fight now, and that more than anything is what's totally unforgivable, the impact it has on your future, unknown triggers it leaves behind and those bastard niggling thoughts that try to creep back in regarding your "enoughness", self worth, self esteem. Funnily enough not my self respect though, that has never been so high.

I find myself questioning if I'm reacting to a situation because of scars and I'm overcomensating in an attempt to protect myself, or if I would have reacted the same way before it all happened. That's what I find tricky. What's me and what's "survivor/ultra alert/red flag finder" me?

I'm glad you got your happy back. *hug*

P

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

So much love to everyone in this thread

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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL


"It so desperately sad that so many of us have been through such similar experiences. Without repeating what everyone else has sad so succinctly the worst part of my day was always the sound of the key in the door - for those who been in the same place - that will mean something to you and I don't need to expand any further.

But look at us now - we are here expressing who we are, being who we should be and loving life for the most part I expect? We have all survived - not without scars be those physical and emotional and we'll carry that toil for the remainder of our lives - but here we are nonetheless.

We are stronger than we thought we were, we are loved by the people who have always loved us, we are not the shit on the floor they made us feel we were - we are worth everything and more.

Big loves & hugs to each and every single one of you x "

"Without repeating what everyone else has sad so succinctly the worst part of my day was always the sound of the key in the door - for those who been in the same place - that will mean something to you and I don't need to expand any further."

Totally this. I knew exactly what mood he was in by the sound of him turning the key in the door. I dreaded that sound every evening for 13 years.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don’t. I stopped watching soaps about 10 years ago when they were no longer fun, light entertainment. "

Ditto

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Intetesting points everyone and yes you can escape it but it will take courage

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Intetesting points everyone and yes you can escape it but it will take courage "

It's more than just courage Shag, it can literally be a fight for your life. Survival instinct.

P

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Intetesting points everyone and yes you can escape it but it will take courage

It's more than just courage Shag, it can literally be a fight for your life. Survival instinct.

P"
That is right it is that as well

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's clear from posts on this thread that people can't ever 100% 'escape'.

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By *asilForty77Man
over a year ago

a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road

With an Irish screwdriver

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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL


" I think it's clear from posts on this thread that people can't ever 100% 'escape'."

Physical and mental scars will always be there.

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