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How to deal with relatives with dementia

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Humour them or tell thrm no

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

I don't think it's as black and white as that, it would depend on the individual and situation.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 26/10/19 18:48:27]

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

It really depends on how bad they are. Sometimes you have to guide them in the right direction but saying no or humouring them is not the way to go. Also try not to say things like do you remember.

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By *adeiteWoman
over a year ago

Staffordshire

I used to work on a dementia ward. Think of it like a rainbow. Theres more than our eyes can see. And someone can be at the very bottom and appear normal and fluid daily, or theres others who are just happy usually. But sometimes confused. Then theres others who bite, punch, throw things, kick. You name it it's been done to me. Have to get very got a dodging.

But it depends on the individual, how well you know them, how well they remember you.

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By *ig1gaz1Man
over a year ago

bradford

It can be very hard on the people who are looking after them.

As they forget it can bring some issues into it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most of the time it’s best to half play along, as long as they’re not in danger as they can become quite agitated being told their reality is not accurate. If they think they’re in a school, just chat about it, if they think you’re they’re niece rather than grand child, just chat with them anyway and maybe say your name again in a bit. It’s very tricky but usually easier to be gentle and enter their world rather than to push them to accept a reality that makes no sense to them anymore. Best of luck to anyone going through this, it is very hard to watch someone fade away and to become unrecognisable. - Mrs

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Saddest thing iv ever seen

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

*their not they’re

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I used to work on a dementia ward. Think of it like a rainbow. Theres more than our eyes can see. And someone can be at the very bottom and appear normal and fluid daily, or theres others who are just happy usually. But sometimes confused. Then theres others who bite, punch, throw things, kick. You name it it's been done to me. Have to get very got a dodging.

But it depends on the individual, how well you know them, how well they remember you."

great way to explain ..and spot on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Saddest thing iv ever seen "

I’m so sorry it really is. In my old job I saw it a lot and it was so hard, harder for the family and loved ones I think. The grief happens long before they’re gone as you just watch them leave. Sending hugs.

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

It’s heartbreaking. I’m grateful just for recognition these days. Gets harder and harder x

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

I managed to get my Mother into a very good home. They undertook a bespoke decoration of her room with old photos of her past not only from her family life but also of places she lived.

She was also given a doll to look after which brought out some sort of mothering instinct in her. It was quite sweet but heartbreaking to see.

As she was always proud of her appearance they also looked after her hair and nails.

It’s worth shopping around for care.

I used to only spend around an hour with her in the end as she lived in 15 minute bubbles.

It’s important to look after yourself in all of it mate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I managed to get my Mother into a very good home. They undertook a bespoke decoration of her room with old photos of her past not only from her family life but also of places she lived.

She was also given a doll to look after which brought out some sort of mothering instinct in her. It was quite sweet but heartbreaking to see.

As she was always proud of her appearance they also looked after her hair and nails.

It’s worth shopping around for care.

I used to only spend around an hour with her in the end as she lived in 15 minute bubbles.

It’s important to look after yourself in all of it mate. "

That’s beautiful. I love that her experience was so gentle. I hope for that for everyone like that. It’s so difficult.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I helped look after my gran who has dementia for many years. I would always just agree with what she was saying, I felt that it made things alot worse if I tried to correct her and would send her into a state of total confusion

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By *ent and bratCouple
over a year ago

here there everywhere

Going through it at the moment with my own mother. Most heartbreaking thing ive ever experienced.

They go through so many stages and what works today may not ever again in 2 weeks time. Can only do your best and show them as much love and care as you can. Its the worst disease I have ever seen in my life.

Music is the only time we ever got to see my mam as herself for a few moments. Play a song and she would remember it and sing along, was actually quite beautiful. Gone beyond even that now and theres just nothing of her left now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You need to change your approach as required. Logic doesn't really translate, so that approach is no use, you may not be who you think you are, whilst my name was never forgotten and I was always known, I became brother or cousin or even work colleague at times. My sister was completely blanked as a stranger, which was very sad.

Ask them what they are seeing it is not necessarily what you see, and can be a nightmare scenario, which in a perfectly calm environment to your eyes can result in fear and violence.

Most of all, good luck. It's a horrid disease, and hard on carers too, so look after yourself first you are no use if you don't.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Cheers folks

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Don’t be aftaid to get outside help in if needed for things like help with washing, dressing, shopping/meal calls or even social calls (to give main carer a break).

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford


"Going through it at the moment with my own mother. Most heartbreaking thing ive ever experienced.

They go through so many stages and what works today may not ever again in 2 weeks time. Can only do your best and show them as much love and care as you can. Its the worst disease I have ever seen in my life.

Music is the only time we ever got to see my mam as herself for a few moments. Play a song and she would remember it and sing along, was actually quite beautiful. Gone beyond even that now and theres just nothing of her left now "

My mum is the same but we've never had the greatest of relationships. You have to ignore that and put it to one side. The condition brings out the worst traits and with no filter what so ever.

Really, really horribly loss of dignity. My heart goes out to all carers.

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By *m3232Man
over a year ago

maidenhead

It’s truelly horrible just learn not to correct them and let them tell you what they want.

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By *ara JTV/TS
over a year ago

Bristol East


"Humour them or tell thrm no"

Love them.

That's you family.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Humour them or tell thrm no

Love them.

That's you family.

"
thats a bit like saying the sea is blue obviously i do its mi granny

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Respect and support them. They don't understand many things with the abilities that you may have and those traits will fluctuate. Step in to their shoes. Correcting their mistakes may feel similar to arguing and be stressful and tiring. Learn whilst you can and they can still gain benefits from your love.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One other thought, let them do what they can do. My mother could make me a cup of coffee on every visit, I asked her to do it if she didn't offer. Also she was quite capable of making microwaved meals. So I let her do that too, on the occasions she had carers coming in (few weeks after hospital stays) they annoyed me by making hers and their own drinks, and even cooking for her. It would not take long for her to believe she wasnt capable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

we found it easier on mum to go along with her world so she wouldn't get agitated, she seemed happier with her thoughts . it was s blessing when she forgot that she forgot and then wasnt plagued by forgetfulness which did bother her a lot

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By *andy_tomMan
over a year ago

wolverhampton

Patience care and understanding, listen to them talk to them,

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By *moothman2000Man
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"we found it easier on mum to go along with her world so she wouldn't get agitated, she seemed happier with her thoughts . it was s blessing when she forgot that she forgot and then wasnt plagued by forgetfulness which did bother her a lot "

This.

There's absolutely nothing to be gained by arguing for the sake of accuracy.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I work in a residential dementia unit and often tell a few white lies to prevent further aggitation. Dementia is a horrid illness but working with people with dementia is a pleasure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I work in a residential dementia unit and often tell a few white lies to prevent further aggitation. Dementia is a horrid illness but working with people with dementia is a pleasure. "

Xxx I’ve filled up xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Most of the time it’s best to half play along, as long as they’re not in danger as they can become quite agitated being told their reality is not accurate. If they think they’re in a school, just chat about it, if they think you’re they’re niece rather than grand child, just chat with them anyway and maybe say your name again in a bit. It’s very tricky but usually easier to be gentle and enter their world rather than to push them to accept a reality that makes no sense to them anymore. Best of luck to anyone going through this, it is very hard to watch someone fade away and to become unrecognisable. - Mrs "

100% this. Can you imagine how frustrating and scary it must be to be convinced of something, only to have those around you question everything and tell you you're wrong. It's heart breaking and my heart goes out to anyone having to deal with it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Patience care and understanding, listen to them talk to them, "

If only it was that easy. When you're tired, nobody else in the family gives a damn and someone asks for the fiftieth time if we've sorted out how they're getting somewhere patience, care and understanding can be difficult things to display

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By *andy_tomMan
over a year ago

wolverhampton


"Patience care and understanding, listen to them talk to them,

If only it was that easy. When you're tired, nobody else in the family gives a damn and someone asks for the fiftieth time if we've sorted out how they're getting somewhere patience, care and understanding can be difficult things to display"

it can be very frustrating at times , you need the rest of the family to step up and help , you cant do it all by yourself,

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By *ent and bratCouple
over a year ago

here there everywhere


"Patience care and understanding, listen to them talk to them,

If only it was that easy. When you're tired, nobody else in the family gives a damn and someone asks for the fiftieth time if we've sorted out how they're getting somewhere patience, care and understanding can be difficult things to display"

100% this word for word

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Patience care and understanding, listen to them talk to them,

If only it was that easy. When you're tired, nobody else in the family gives a damn and someone asks for the fiftieth time if we've sorted out how they're getting somewhere patience, care and understanding can be difficult things to display

it can be very frustrating at times , you need the rest of the family to step up and help , you cant do it all by yourself, "

It's true it isn't possible to do it alone. My parents employ a gardener, a cleaner and we've finally managed to persuade my mother to have a career three times a week for one hour. The rest of my family either won't help, can't help or my parents refuse to let them.

I'm not complaining I'm just stating facts . I find it easier to deal with a situation of I accept it now it is not how I'd like it to be

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