FabSwingers.com forum: Worst jokes please

By *hrista Bellend OP Woman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

I need to smile to get me through today..so please hit me with your worst jokes

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

Man goes into a pub with a giraffe. They’re drinking pints with chasers all night and eventually the giraffe collapses.

The man gets up to leave and the landlord says

You can’t leave that lyin there

Man says,

It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

Astronaught #1 says, "can you get any milk for my coffee?"

Astronaught #2 says, "In space nobody can. Here use cream."

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By *ed-monkeyCouple
over a year ago

Hailsham

A white horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barman says "This first one is on the house, did you know the pub is named after you?"

The horse replies " What? Eric?"

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By *ily WhiteWoman
over a year ago

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s white and black and red all over...a newspaper

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Robin.

Robin who?

Robin you, so gimme all your money.

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

To pinch from the genius Tim vine.

Crime in multi storey car parks.

It’s wrong on so many levels.

Sorry wrong thread, that’s actually a very good joke.

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By *isaAndNicoleTransTV/TS
over a year ago

Southport / Ellesmere Port

What do you call a man that swims the English Channel with no arms and no legs?

Clever dick

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By *hrista Bellend OP Woman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Thanks fabsters you are all awesome

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Mexican magician performs a disappearing act.

He counts.. "uno, dos..." poooof!!

He's gone without a tres

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his nose.

The doctor says "I'd better give you some cream to put on that".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rang a takeaway last night I said “do you deliver?”

Takeaway “No we do lamb chicken or fish”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 24/10/19 08:20:54]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the crab laugh?

Because the sea!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why did the crab laugh?

Because the sea!

Huh. That's an epic fail!

Because the Sea we ed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does FAB stand for......?

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By *ed-monkeyCouple
over a year ago

Hailsham

Man sees the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his underpants.

The doctor says "that looks nasty"

The man replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you look real closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a retired terminator...

An exterminator

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It took me 5 minutes to walk to the local pub last night, and 25 mins to walk home. The difference is staggering.

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

Scientist have found that lager contains female hormones.

After giving 100 men 8 pints each they all talked bollocks and none of them could drive.

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By *ed-monkeyCouple
over a year ago

Hailsham

"Scientist have found that lager contains female hormones.

After giving 100 men 8 pints each they all talked bollocks and none of them could drive.

You're on your own!!!

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

If a lady can't get pregnant, does that make here impregnable... or just inconceivable?

Cal

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

"Scientist have found that lager contains female hormones.

After giving 100 men 8 pints each they all talked bollocks and none of them could drive.

You're on your own!!!

Hey its science. Lol

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By *ge_load_ladMan
over a year ago

NW & Mids

Whats the difference between a crane and a giraffe

One has Hydraulics...

The other has High b0ll0cks

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

What's ET short for?

Because he's only got little legs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man sees the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his underpants.

The doctor says "that looks nasty"

The man replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg""

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

What do you call a retired gardener..???

Doug

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy buys a talking millipede and decides to take him to the pub, after 2 hours the guy said “ thought we were going to the pub?” Millipede said “hang on I’m still putting my shoes on”

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By *eesideMan
over a year ago

margate sumwear by the sea

Seen at work.

The KA is cracking eggs in to a bowl.

Me. I say to them...

Ha that's a cracking job your doing.

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By *ed-monkeyCouple
over a year ago

Hailsham

Man goes to the doctor complaining that his head feels like a stone mason's chisel

Doctor told him to take a tablet

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By *ge_load_ladMan
over a year ago

NW & Mids

Whats the difference between an magicians wand and a policeman truncheon?

Ones used for cunning stunts

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man go to the doctor's

Man.. doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

Doctor.. pull yourself together

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot this morning and my first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s going to taste like carrots!”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head

"Cliff"

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By *atonMan
over a year ago

barnet

I went to the doctors. I said whats wrong with me do? He said ..youve got to stop masturbating. I said why? Because ive got to examine you.

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By *ablo minibar123Woman
over a year ago

Can't believe people are letting off fireworks so early, last night a firework scared my dog so much that he ran and hid under the Christmas tree

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

I was going to tell you about something i read in a newspaper but changed my mind because it was so bad.

It was tearable..

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By *orenzoVonMatterhornMan
over a year ago

Lincoln

I'm loving these

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

Went for an eye test and optican said i must stop masterbating.

I said why am i going to go blind?

Optican replies no but its upsetting the other customers.

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By *ed-monkeyCouple
over a year ago

Hailsham

Right ... brace yourself Enid

A knight is summoned by the purple king. "Good knight,I have a problem with the purple dragon in the purple mountains. Rid me of this scourge and I shall reward you"

So the knight left the purple castle, crossed the purple moat, down the purple track, through the purple forest, across the purple river to the purple mountains. He found the purple dragon in the purple cave, and after a great battle slayed the purple dragon.

He left the purple cave, came down the purple mountains, crossed the purple river, came through the purple forest, up the purple track across the purple moat to the purple castle and found the purple king.

I have slain the purple dragon. He says.

The purple king is happy and offers the hand of the purple princess in marriage as reward.

The knight is flattered but explains he only has eyes for the yellow princess.

The purple king is angry and orders the knight be thrown onto the purple dungeon.

The purple guards take the knight from the purple hall, down the purple staircase to the purple dungeon to the purple cell. They open the purple door and throw the knight in saying ...

You've been waiting for this ...

"Indigo!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the gay farmer ?

He was up to his knees in Peat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh..mooo.

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

Just heard Iceland have now banned oral sex.

Its only a matter of time until Tescos, Sainsburys, Asda etc do the same.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

"I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot this morning and my first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s going to taste like carrots!”"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do scuba-divers roll in backwards?

Because if they went in forward they'd still be in the boat

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

I was on a first date with a new girlfriend last night which progressed well and we ended up back at mine and in the bedroom naked.

She winked at me and seductively whispered "I like it when guys don't mind using toys in the bedroom"

Apparently pulling out my nerf gun and shooting her in the pussy wasn't what she had in mind ??

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By *hrista Bellend OP Woman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Thank you everyone that was a much needed pick me up, nice to find a smile on a indifferent day

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s white and black and red all over...a newspaper

"
a blushing zebra.

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By *hechairman18Man
over a year ago

Salford Quays , Manchester

Man went to the Doctors.

Doctor said "what's wrong with you"

Man replied " I keep thinking I'm a Dog"

Doctor said " Ok, get on the couch "

Man replied " NO,I'M NOT ALLOWED" .

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By *rjimMan
over a year ago

nr bristol

Why are blind people obsessed with dog walking ?

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By *rjimMan
over a year ago

nr bristol

You can say what you like about deaf people....

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

Wife asks husband. Would you say i am pretty or ugly.

Husband says. Both.

Wife says. How can i be both.

Husband says. I would say you are pretty ugly.

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

Wife comes home from Drs appointment with a big smile on her face.

Husband asks her what she is smiling about?

Because the Dr said for a 50yr old woman my breasts feel and look like an 18yr old girl.

Husbands asks what did he say about your 50yr old saggy fat asshole?

Wife replies nothing your name never was mentioned.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How does a man prepare for the future?

He buys 2 bottles of beer instead of one.

I know it's very bad lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's blue and doesn't fit?

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By *naquest321Man
over a year ago

Carlisle

A doctor looking at a mans penis, remarks, “it’s just like a rocket ship, what does the wife think?” Oh. She’s over the moon.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you know a pigeon dies everytime it has sex..

Well the one I fucked did

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

Man moves into his first house and thinks it's time to check out the local pub. He walks in, sits at the bar and orders a drink. The guy next to him hand starts to vibrate all over the place. The vibrating hand guy then puts his hand to his face and starts talking into it. So the new guy asks the bar tender what wrong with him? The bar tender says I don't know, better ask him. So when the other guy finally stops talking to his hand the new guy asks what was that about? The other guy says I was taking a phone call, I have a phone implanted in my palm under my skin. So the new guy says that's cool, where can I get one. The other guy says buy me a pint while I got to the toilet and I will tell you when I get back. So new guy waits and waits for hand phone guy to come back, by no sign of him. He saw him go in the toilets but not back out so he goes to take a look. He opens the door but can't see him. Where is he? There are three cubicles, all closed. So he opens the first and looks in, nothing. Opens the second one, looks in, nothing. Finally he opens the third one and looks in. There he sees phone guy on all fours on the floor, trousers down and a toilet paper roll shoved up his arse. So he blurts out what are you doing? The phone guy responds..... I waiting for a fax.

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By *rShinyKnickersMan
over a year ago

BARRY

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face...

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By *rShinyKnickersMan
over a year ago

BARRY

What's blue and fucks grannies?

Me in my lucky blue coat.

Hypothermia.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some German is on his deathbed for eating some bad sausages, doctors fear the wurst.

You asked for wurst jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Today at the bank a little old lady asked me to check her balance ...........

So I pushed her over

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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By *inthgowmale45Man
over a year ago

linlithgow

Just lost my job as a zookeeper which i thought was a bit unfair. Signs all over the place saying dont feed the animals. So i didnt

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By *occerstar579Man
over a year ago

Harrogate

Why are men always more brainy while having sex?

Cos they plugged into a know it all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's brown and sticky?

A stick. "

Was going to be very rude then but I'll not lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s white and black and red all over...a newspaper

a blushing zebra."

Or a sunburned Penguin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the cheese say whe it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 fleas on a tramps arse, one says to the other

'Haven't seen you in a while?'

The other flea says

'Yeah I know, I've been in the nick'

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By *hrista Bellend OP Woman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Lots more rib ticklers

Thanks everyone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the giraffe race??

It was neck and neck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm a sex object, whenever I want sex, she objects.

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

"Today at the bank a little old lady asked me to check her balance ...........

So I pushed her over

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a pen that can write underwater...

It can also write other words too!

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

"Today at the bank a little old lady asked me to check her balance ...........

So I pushed her over

At church on Sunday a lady asked me if i would be a proper gent and kindly help her out of her wheel chair.

I said of course no problem. Just you relax there and i will get you out in no time.

To be honest i didnt mind doing it and helping her but i think i sprained my wrist tipping her out..

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