FabSwingers.com forum: Fighting negativity

By *ools and the brain OP Couple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

I used to be a very upbeat positive person.

Since my early 40's when I developed depression ( long story) now I wouldn't say I'm in control of the depression as I don't think you're ever "in control" of depression rather you learn to live with it and know the signs and signals.

But one of the biggest side effects I have is that I have become such a negative person as hard as I try I have just become a miserable git with little drive and determination.

I still get up and go to work everyday, gym 4days a week and take pride in how I look and smell.

In group situations I'm always the one cracking jokes and being a joker.

I think that like lots of people I hide my insecurities behind humour but in reality I'm just a miserable person.

I'm surrounded by love and affection have a reasonably well paid job.

Anyone got any practical tips on how to turn that frown upside down and regain a little bit of what I used to have?

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

Perhaps the best advice I can give is that there’s no one thing that works for everyone or is guaranteed to work. You’ve got to plug your way through lots of stuff until something clicks for you.

For me it was finding some friends where I could be the person I want to be, that person who I like.

Getting away from the trigger of depression can help too, or at least saying you’re it going to be affected by it.

Mostly though, this can take a while so don’t add beating yourself up to the mix.

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By *tella HeelsTV/TS
over a year ago

west here ford shire

"I used to be a very upbeat positive person.

But one of the biggest side effects I have is that I have become such a negative person as hard as I try I have just become a miserable git with little drive and determination.

I still get up and go to work everyday, gym 4days a week and take pride in how I look and smell.

In group situations I'm always the one cracking jokes and being a joker.

I think that like lots of people I hide my insecurities behind humour but in reality I'm just a miserable person.

I'm surrounded by love and affection have a reasonably well paid job.

Anyone got any practical tips on how to turn that frown upside down and regain a little bit of what I used to have?

Mr "

I feel for you, I suffered depression which looking back . I probably had for years

It’s true you never fully recover you just have to recognise the symptoms..

But I think it lead to my cancer, so you have to try and stay positive S much as you can

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"Perhaps the best advice I can give is that there’s no one thing that works for everyone or is guaranteed to work. You’ve got to plug your way through lots of stuff until something clicks for you.

For me it was finding some friends where I could be the person I want to be, that person who I like.

Getting away from the trigger of depression can help too, or at least saying you’re it going to be affected by it.

Mostly though, this can take a while so don’t add beating yourself up to the mix."

To add one thing on; I know it's the latest buzzterm and particularly trendy but have you looked into mindfulness? Sometimes just stopping and really appreciating/recognising the here and now stops the negativity cloud and allows me to smile more freely. You can incorporate it with yoga or more structured meditation as well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm (mr) in a similar situation, putting on that front for others but at the same time feeling hollow, sad and sometimes even angry.

Mine came from suppressing and bottling my feelings for years. It took Mrs miscarrying and losing my grandad in the same weekend to finally break me. Went to the doctor but they aren't very well trained on how to properly treat depression.

Get in touch with local mental health charities. One has helped me and I'm finally managing myself better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Read books, the mind is a muscle and the more you exercise it the stronger it gets, I know that sounds very matter of fact and problem lies much deeper, the thing with depression is you feel stagnant or feel you live in a world that is on a downward spiral, you can only fix one of those which is the stagnation, of reading is hard then audiobooks, a life coach will ask why you cannot do it, a soldier will just do it, a doctor will give you drugs that in the long run don’t help, be the soldier

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By *anmyraWoman
over a year ago

Basingstoke

I hear you too, I've suffered with depression since I was around 7 or 8 years old and not diagnosed until my early twenties. No matter how "controlled" it is, this time of year is always hard with the threat of the dark nights and short days

I can't offer any advice I'm afraid but keep ploughing through xx

PS I'm an incredibly negative, pessimistic person a lot of the time which i think is a side effect of chronic depression.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Go to gigs. Comedy nights. Clubs. The races. Have as many holidays as you can afford. Look on Groupon for deals. Go out and meet up with friends as often as possible. Book stuff to look forward to. Forget about spending money on things like your house and your car and spend it on yourself. Have a laugh on group chat. Just really enjoy life

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know how you feel OP I don't think I'm depressed but I find staying positive quite difficult and get peopled out very easily.

I find doing a mental gratitude list every day works well - or write it down if that helps.

Finding a little time in each day for myself is also very important.

Getting lost in a book or a film is relaxing - too much reality has a negative effect on me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stop internet. I swear it changes a man.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also just to add since I turned 40 it was like I took a grumpy pill

Maybe it's your age

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

What helps me is mindfulness, self compassion, positive self talk, making sure my batteries are recharged (sleep, adequate nutrition, exeecise, etc), in general working on loving myself for myself (for me this also involves therapy and antidepressants). At this time of year and on, vitamin D supplements and an SAD light (mine is from Lumie, who I recommend).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Stop internet. I swear it changes a man. "

This

It accentuates everything

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By *elloIntrigueMan
over a year ago

North West UK

As daft as it may sound, you have to find the things you enjoy, hobbies, friends, music, and do more of these. All these helped me, and speaking to my doc and attending a course which made me think differently and pick p some coping strategies and techniques. Life has its difficulties still but I understand my depression and can work with it to limit its effects.

Best of luck OP.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Surrounding myself with positive, upbeat people. Playing cheery, kick ass music, just being thankful for the good in my life instead of focusing on the bad.

Being in nature, fresh air, walks to think things over and then shutting the door or those those thoughts once home.

Trying to make life exciting again, giving myself little things to look forward to.

And just realising that there are so many people in life who have things so much worse than me, yet they get up and show up for life.

That’s what works for me. But it took awhile to find what worked.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Read books, the mind is a muscle and the more you exercise it the stronger it gets, I know that sounds very matter of fact and problem lies much deeper, the thing with depression is you feel stagnant or feel you live in a world that is on a downward spiral, you can only fix one of those which is the stagnation, of reading is hard then audiobooks, a life coach will ask why you cannot do it, a soldier will just do it, a doctor will give you drugs that in the long run don’t help, be the soldier"

I agree with most of that except it is a counsellor who will (often repeatedly) ask you to go over why you feel as you do and what has got you to this point.

I coach, I don’t need to know the ‘story’ it’s purely about working forward towards goals. Many coaches have additional skills like NLP, hypn0sis, CBT, solution focused therapy, reiki etc that we can bring to the table.

Depressed people often find it hard to motivate themselves to go out and do things.

Reading books is good but hard going when you feel down and drained - there are some excellent books that are available as audiobooks on YouTube which can be helpful

Stick in some happy music from back in time

Remember things that you did with friends in the past

Write a list (on your phone or on paper) if things that you want to do

Life is for living but what some people find fun and enjoy is not the same for everyone else. Think about things that you enjoyed in the past and would like to do again.

I culled all my negative friends 2 years ago, it was hard but it was the best thing for me. A smaller, more positive friendship circle is better for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone earlier said embrace the negative and they re right..whatever it is creating it...it happened etc but you are now in a good place..embrace all that you are..live every day as if it's your last..talking from experience here..I opened can of worms last night by looking at a possibility never thought of before and paid the price with new flashbacks during sleep..woke up screaming and tears...but am now sat by the sea thinking but here I am I survived..it happened, process it and move on...depression is something you may well have to live with, many do..but if you can learn to compartmentalise what has gone before and what is the here and now you can learn to enjoy you....I ve got tough hour coming up..a necessary tough hour talking it thru with my close friend but once I ve done that..I ll write it in poetry and move on..happy again..I never used to wear bright colours but today am gonna buy that bright yellow top I saw and am gonna wear it...stay well

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I journal and practice mindfulness (recommended after a run of CBT).

When I'm journalling I particularly look for things that I'm grateful for and good things that have happened, and the mindfulness helps me calm the negativity.

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By *JohnMan
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Find little everyday things that give you pleasure, and remember them. For me, one thing that unexpectedly gives a little dose of joy is looking down Grainger Street in Newcastle and seeing green fields in the distance. It's an attractive view, and a reminder that there are things other than my immediate surroundings.

Stoicism has helped me a lot. It's not what it's commonly believed to be. Pigliucci's "How to be a Stoic" is a good introduction.

Mindfulness is derived from stoicism - I wish I'd known this before I did that course. I would have got a lot more from it. It works as training in separating external stimuli from our emotional responses to them. It's usually the emotional response that brings most of the suffering, and that's the part we have control over.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the forums can make a person more negative. I only come here when I'm in a good mood

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I used to be a very upbeat positive person.

But one of the biggest side effects I have is that I have become such a negative person as hard as I try I have just become a miserable git with little drive and determination.

I still get up and go to work everyday, gym 4days a week and take pride in how I look and smell.

In group situations I'm always the one cracking jokes and being a joker.

I think that like lots of people I hide my insecurities behind humour but in reality I'm just a miserable person.

I'm surrounded by love and affection have a reasonably well paid job.

Anyone got any practical tips on how to turn that frown upside down and regain a little bit of what I used to have?

Mr "

I am the support person for two people whom I love dearly who have depression. Both have tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions. If there is one thing I have noticed is if you can find a person/group who listens to you and will not judge and who are calm and understanding you will find you can actually talk about your feelings. You will realise you are not alone in what you are dealing with no matter your thoughts. Your thoughts and feelings are real to you. I really do hope you have/find that person/group xxx

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By *lirtyFellaMan
over a year ago

a permanent state of arousal

I found myself being a very negative person too, always breaking crayons and pissing on bonfires. A proper curmudgeon. I started listening to the BLINDBOY podcast and got introduced to CBT through it. I couldn't recommend it enough. I hope you feel better soon xx

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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago

Derry

Like many here I'm no stranger to the black dog. Like steve earle sang in my old friend the blues, it can be my oldest friend and a bloody unwanted visitor that has outstayed their welcome.

As others have said this is the time of year for it, day length and falling temperatures, 3 months of darkness ahead (hint: winter holidays) . There isn't a single solution but there is a few things that might make a difference.

Sleep and food: This isn't negotiable, get a routine, don't sit up all night. Eat properly and regularly, when that is hard smoothies are your friend.

Don't stop exercising, it may not have you dancing like fred astaire, but it is stopping you from getting worse. Make the most of daylight.

Learn something new, anything. Try a new hobby, fuck your comfort zone. My own personal achievement of 2018 was learn to sew a button (go me). Maybe a short course, listen to some podcasts, swim, dance or learn to cook or play a instrument (ukuleles are cheap easy and fun).

Get a dog (a real one) That unconditional love, the regular exercise and companionship is worth it.

Booze is not your friend, neither is the devils lettuce. Helps with the pain in the short term but it doesn't help

Mindfulness and meditation helps, try the headspace app, maybe yoga.

Is there a mens shed near you? Go.

Turn off the TV, stop reading the newspapers and close your facebook account.

Acceptance. Sometimes that's just how it is, for now. Say to yourself this too shall pass, say it again. Practise gratitude, think of the good things you have, appreciate them.

Stoicism works for many men.

Medication might work, it can definitely help with the symptoms in the short term. It works best as part of a bigger plan. Your mileage may vary.

Boys don't cry? It can be harder as a man to show vulnerability and pain. Stiff upper lip and all that. Nope. Societal conditioning and how we as men police our own emotions doesn't help. If you don't want to cry, get a punch bag.

I could recommend lots of books, try Man's search for meaning by Victor Frankl.

Be kind to yourself, we can be our own worst enemies. This sounds cliched but we cannot always change what has happened but we can change how we look at them.

Believe in yourself, everyday can be a struggle, don't stop, don't give up.

If you can find the right person to talk to, do it. If you have to pay for it, you're worth it. Note that I said the right person, again your mileage may vary.

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By *uryWhipMan
over a year ago

Harringay

I wouldn't ask for advice on the forum, i did that and didnt help though I did get some nice messages. Having said that, if you you are suffering in such a way then seek help but i wouldn't ask the NHS. Look for some kind of wellness centre near you, maybe in the form of a local organic shop or physio centre as freelance therapists advise through those businesses. I just found a psychotherapist through my physio place.

I'm incredibly angry at the way the NHS treats mental health and how they teated me and people i know in the same boat. After 3 months of seeing an already uselss CBT counciler he told me 'you're not depressed, you're just a bit upset' as he was quting his job. Nevermind that I've had issues with depression and anxiety since I was a child and has even caused problems in my past life such as being arrested, wont go into but related, because I didnt know how to deal with things properly.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Embrace positivity.

I'm not being flippant.

We don't always realise the impact and effect of the negative language we sometimes use on a daily basis.

Read up on reframing your thoughts.

I found it useful.

A hug of support to you.

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By *ools and the brain OP Couple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

Cheers everyone for your input lots to think about.

I Liken myself to Marvin the robot in hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.

I do try to be upbeat but it never lasts long.

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By *rjimMan
over a year ago

nr bristol

Not the same thing.

My grief councillor died recently, but luckily he had been so good..I didn't give a shit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Positivity mostly

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By *ools and the brain OP Couple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"Go to gigs. Comedy nights. Clubs. The races. Have as many holidays as you can afford. Look on Groupon for deals. Go out and meet up with friends as often as possible. Book stuff to look forward to. Forget about spending money on things like your house and your car and spend it on yourself. Have a laugh on group chat. Just really enjoy life "

Mrs here.....These sorts of things just stress him out further as he worries about the cost!

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