FabSwingers.com forum: Ok ...advice from the boys needed

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

So I'm not one to play games ever. I don't like it and I'm too much a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Someone I was seeing last year (not from here) really hurt me a lot .

I stupidly allowed him to do it a few more times.

He's now sent a very heartfelt letter of apology. I won't ever allow him to hurt me again. We are done and I mean that, but I do want to forgive him and let him know I have. I'm the bigger person.

The question is how long should I leave it before I respond to know for sure he actually means it and isn't just bored and looking for a quick fix from an easy target .

The no response will drive him mad which is in some ways deserved.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I wouldnt get back in touch. Once theyve gone theyve gone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I you are to forgive him then i'd so do it quick and then forget about him.

By the sounds of it you are being very generous in forgiving them and that speaks very highly of your character

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I'm not one to play games ever. I don't like it and I'm too much a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Someone I was seeing last year (not from here) really hurt me a lot .

I stupidly allowed him to do it a few more times.

He's now sent a very heartfelt letter of apology. I won't ever allow him to hurt me again. We are done and I mean that, but I do want to forgive him and let him know I have. I'm the bigger person.

The question is how long should I leave it before I respond to know for sure he actually means it and isn't just bored and looking for a quick fix from an easy target .

The no response will drive him mad which is in some ways deserved. "
hey just accept his apology and move on he doesn't deserve a reply

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

You’ll hurt him more by not responding so I say leave it be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I personally that you should reply when you feel ready for it.

Do not care how long it 'must' take...and all those shizzles!

Acknowledge his apology and like you said forgive him without ever forgetting what he has done.

If you feel that you are able to talk to him without being emotionally invovle then you should. Otherwise avoid keeping in contact with him but still acknowledge his letter.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I you are to forgive him then i'd so do it quick and then forget about him.

By the sounds of it you are being very generous in forgiving them and that speaks very highly of your character "

I still feel so much for him but I now feel more for myself.

I kinda feel like I should make him wait a bit as he's not used to that from me so it's a way of showing things have changed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hard to say not knowing what he did. People hurt each other in relationships, it's horrid but it happens. If that's the case and you're both still in love then I'd consider it with an adult conversation and the caveat of a trial period.

If it was something more untoward then maybe I'd prioritise self preservation.

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

Ignore, move on

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By *assage Walsall GentMan
over a year ago

Walsall

Life is too short.

Question yourself.. do you really want to spend more time and energy in the circle or break free and move on. Self worth.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ignore, move on

"
dom diddy dom

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

"Life is too short.

Question yourself.. do you really want to spend more time and energy in the circle or break free and move on. Self worth.

Good luck."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I'm not one to play games ever. I don't like it and I'm too much a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Someone I was seeing last year (not from here) really hurt me a lot .

I stupidly allowed him to do it a few more times.

He's now sent a very heartfelt letter of apology. I won't ever allow him to hurt me again. We are done and I mean that, but I do want to forgive him and let him know I have. I'm the bigger person.

The question is how long should I leave it before I respond to know for sure he actually means it and isn't just bored and looking for a quick fix from an easy target .

The no response will drive him mad which is in some ways deserved. "

I’d reply in writing immediately, accepting his apology and setting out very firmly that his actions have hurt you deeply and that there is no possibility of ever having any sort of a relationship....... then make sure you never have anything to do with him ever again, no matter what the circumstances.

Good luck

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

"Ignore, move on

dom diddy dom

Not worth her time

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By *andyladMan
over a year ago

Hereorthere

"So I'm not one to play games ever. I don't like it and I'm too much a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Someone I was seeing last year (not from here) really hurt me a lot .

I stupidly allowed him to do it a few more times.

He's now sent a very heartfelt letter of apology. I won't ever allow him to hurt me again. We are done and I mean that, but I do want to forgive him and let him know I have. I'm the bigger person.

The question is how long should I leave it before I respond to know for sure he actually means it and isn't just bored and looking for a quick fix from an easy target .

The no response will drive him mad which is in some ways deserved. "

Make him wait for the forgiveness.

Failing that just leave him in the cold

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

"I wouldnt get back in touch. Once theyve gone theyve gone"

This. You replying is giving him what he wants. You thinking about him again.

It’s all a game. Bin him and move on permanently. You don’t need closure, you got that when you ended it.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

Deliberately waiting for the correct time to respond doesn’t particularly seem like moving on. My suggestion would be if you’re ready then acknowledge the letter and get on with your own happiness. Having it hanging around won’t help you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ignore, move on

dom diddy dom

Not worth her time

"
i agree i said it further up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I wouldnt get back in touch. Once theyve gone theyve gone

This. You replying is giving him what he wants. You thinking about him again.

It’s all a game. Bin him and move on permanently. You don’t need closure, you got that when you ended it."

Yeah agree with what has been said, no matter what you say it will most likely be manipulated to show him as a changed person and loving etc etc then give it a few weeks and bam hurt again

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

I would leave it and never reply

It may just be a way to get back into your life ,

If you think its genuine then accept the apology ,but move on and use it as closure.

Miss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not sure sorry

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

Simple, tell him straight. Send him a message saying you forgive him and you wont be speaking to him again but wish him well. Then block him on all forms of communication. Take it as a lesson learned and move on towards a life free of head fuckery.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Not sure sorry"

This, without more details, which are none of our business of course, hard to advise.

Look after yourself OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I you are to forgive him then i'd so do it quick and then forget about him.

By the sounds of it you are being very generous in forgiving them and that speaks very highly of your character

I still feel so much for him but I now feel more for myself.

I kinda feel like I should make him wait a bit as he's not used to that from me so it's a way of showing things have changed "

I think the vast majority of people have been in this situation at some point in their lives.

It does sound like they are still exercising some form of control over you though in a way.

Once you forgive them, if you choose, block their number and move on. Lifes too short

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"So I'm not one to play games ever. I don't like it and I'm too much a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Someone I was seeing last year (not from here) really hurt me a lot .

I stupidly allowed him to do it a few more times.

He's now sent a very heartfelt letter of apology. I won't ever allow him to hurt me again. We are done and I mean that, but I do want to forgive him and let him know I have. I'm the bigger person.

The question is how long should I leave it before I respond to know for sure he actually means it and isn't just bored and looking for a quick fix from an easy target .

The no response will drive him mad which is in some ways deserved. "

I'm not a boy but how will you leaving it a specific amount of time let you know he's genuine?

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Personally no contact would be better, he will eventually know where he stands and move on. If you contact him he may misconstrue it and think he is back in with a chance. Wanting to show to are the bigger person smacks a bit of showing off revenge just leave him to stew.

If you must contact him for your own piece of mind, be short, sharp and to the point. After which cut all ties, blocking, de-friending from all social media and never contact him again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its only my opinion but i would not reply. He is not worth your time or your effort. He hurt you numerous times. If you reply that wont be the end of it, he will think because you have replied and that you have forgiven him that he has a chance. Stay clear x

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By *ikingpairCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

Write him a letter of forgiveness and then destroy it, i.e. never send it.

You will get the closure but he won't be under any illusion there is anything more to it.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

For what it's worth, I would only wait if you plan on getting back in touch with him. If it's over and you intend to tell him then I think it would show more certainty and decisiveness to say so now. If he comes back to you again later you can do the same thing.

If you wait to reply and say it's over, it will look like you have been thinking about him and mulling it over. That doesn't sound like the impression you want to give. You are done with this. You know that. Show him now you already have an answer.

Either that or don't contact him at all, now or in the future.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had he written to you because you’ve got him blocked on other media? He’ll be buying things and leaving you eBay apologies next Aha

Personally once it’s done you should move on, take solace in that he knows he did wrong

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm obviously not a guy. But I would personally just reply now If you feel you have to and put a line under it and move on if you don't feel you want friendship etc. Or don't bother at all. If you think you may want friendship then give it as long as you need to mull it over

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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago

Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro

Dont play games. Two wrongs dont make a right. People dont very often change and hes hurt you more than once already.

To reply encourages further contact so for that reason I'd not reply and forget it. Hes not worth it but you are

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By *hezuMan
over a year ago

East London

A response isnt needed to be forgiven you can do that without letting him know, unless obv you still tryna make convo wit him

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By *nmgCouple
over a year ago

Liverpool

The definition of insanity is repeating the same activity and expecting different results.

Move on!!

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By *adame 2SwordsWoman
over a year ago

Victoria, London

Sounds like a narcissist, didn't have a problem in repeatedly treating you like you were stupid and a doormat. I would guess he's at a loose end, needs his ego stroked, and sees you as easy prey. I'd possibly return the letter, no explanation and I'm sure he'll go away. If you explain why not, he'll just see it as a challenge.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/10/19 19:54:28]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you have forgiven him then that’s great.

You don’t need to tell him that at all. That will give him an entry point and might give him an indication to come back again.

Enjoy life.

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

You don’t need to communicate to forgive.

Sometimes you don’t even need to forgive to move on. Box it up and don’t give him the satisfaction of anything. Narcissists thrive on that kind of power. Don’t give it to him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can either acknowledge the apology while also making it clear it won't be happening again or ignore entirely.

If part of you wants to annoy him then ignore him.

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

With out knowing you and the guy it's difficult to say, we're all different.

Go with your heart. Be strong if it still hurts.

Make him beg. Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tbh i wouldnt bother replying. Whats done is done, words are cheap.. leave it be

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all . Lots of good advice.

It's the sort of advice I give others but often ignore myself !

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By *0something1965Man
over a year ago

Belfast

Acknowledge and accept his apology but dont offer an olive branch. If he gets back in touch after that, wanting to start things up again, refuse and tell him you"ve moved on. After that, dont reply. We're a bit tbick and need telling a couple of times before we really get it! Good luck x

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

"Thank you all . Lots of good advice.

It's the sort of advice I give others but often ignore myself !"

I wouldn't trust us. We're all nutjobs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Write him a letter of forgiveness and then destroy it, i.e. never send it.

You will get the closure but he won't be under any illusion there is anything more to it.

I agree with this. No need to tell him you've forgiven him. He doesn't deserve to know.

If you reply you open up the lines of communication again.

P.S. I don't take my own advice either OP!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think its ok to forgive and let the person know that you have.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you want to do it then do it straight away. Let him know you have forgiven him but there is no going back for you. Hum Taylor Swift "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" whilst writing the note.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If he was really sorry he would have told you before now.

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By *manaWoman
over a year ago

Basingstoke

"Sounds like a narcissist, didn't have a problem in repeatedly treating you like you were stupid and a doormat. I would guess he's at a loose end, needs his ego stroked, and sees you as easy prey. I'd possibly return the letter, no explanation and I'm sure he'll go away. If you explain why not, he'll just see it as a challenge."

This

I've been in a similar situation and wish I had listened to people who said ignore him. Easier said though xxx

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston

Have you thought about why he’s apologising?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sweetheart, you still want him, that is what the problem is. So many of us can't help investing in people that hurt us, and the truth is that like so many still, this will only be over for you when you wake up without the strength to mentally invest in it any more.

Ride it out, even if you make a fool of yourself again, it doesn't matter, this will end I promise you, but only when you wake up without the strength to make it as important to you as it has been.

Don't blame yourself for being foolish or having feelings where they don't deserve to be. This will end. Please keep living in the meantime whilst you ride this out xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you really need to ask?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are you still thinking about this....!!!!

He is a weasel and a worm, preying on your feelings..

Find a vodoo doll. stick a shit load of pins in it. Burn the doll and letter in a fire ball of flames....

I hope his dick gets a dose of gan-green and falls off!!!

Mistress Amelia

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You retain the power of what happens by not replying. You can forgive without him knowing it. You’ve already moved on, he doesn’t need a reply.

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By *good-being-badMan
over a year ago

mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds

Delete block move on.

I'm always surprised folk expend energy and time on folk they have have no interest in.

Use the time and energy on someone you do have interest in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ignore him and block and delete his number. No one deserves hurt in their life. Onwards and upwards

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sweetheart, you still want him, that is what the problem is. So many of us can't help investing in people that hurt us, and the truth is that like so many still, this will only be over for you when you wake up without the strength to mentally invest in it any more.

Ride it out, even if you make a fool of yourself again, it doesn't matter, this will end I promise you, but only when you wake up without the strength to make it as important to you as it has been.

Don't blame yourself for being foolish or having feelings where they don't deserve to be. This will end. Please keep living in the meantime whilst you ride this out xxx

I agree with a lot of this but I'm not in love with him. I fell for the idea of him he created which wasn't real . I know that now which is great.

The point is really that I kinda want to just make him fully aware of what he did and yes make him feel a wee bit bad into the bargain!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Ride it out, even if you make a fool of yourself again, it doesn't matter, this will end I promise you, but only when you wake up without the strength to make it as important to you as it has been.

Don't blame yourself for being foolish or having feelings where they don't deserve to be. This will end. Please keep living in the meantime whilst you ride this out xxx

I agree with a lot of this but I'm not in love with him. I fell for the idea of him he created which wasn't real . I know that now which is great.

The point is really that I kinda want to just make him fully aware of what he did and yes make him feel a wee bit bad into the bargain! "

Why not write him one final letter tomorrow. Tell him you've forgiven his behaviour and moved on in your life, older and wiser. Wish him well for the future and close the chapter, firmly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Then love, I think the best thing you could do is to thank him for his thoughts, but say you have in fact moved on and you are in a relationship. The dignity of this will devastate him. To tell him of the pain he caused you will suggest to his mind you are still feeling it. Don't give this to him, instead, frustrate him with the fact he has offered you his feelings on a plate, by thanking him but don't enter into discussion on it. He is either lacking attention or has been treated to so.e home truths, or, he is looking to press buttons again. Don't give him the opportunity to achieve any of this. Be strong xx

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Just say "shove your apology up your ricker silly bollocks" and let him stew on that

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By *eoeclipseWoman
over a year ago

glasgow

Write a letter explaining what they done, how it hurt you, state how it has made you stronger & wise and that you thank him for the lessons & forgive him for what he done.

Read it aloud & burn it.

You forgive for yourself, not for others ??

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By *eoeclipseWoman
over a year ago

glasgow

"Write a letter explaining what they done, how it hurt you, state how it has made you stronger & wise and that you thank him for the lessons & forgive him for what he done.

Read it aloud & burn it.

You forgive for yourself, not for others "

Emoji's not from fab don't work then opps

Sending a letter implies it's the only way to contact you too.

Narcissist's thrive on contact good or bad. It's gives them fuel. Hence above.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had an ex like this - he's a narcissist.

Took counselling for me to see his behaviour patterns and how I responded to him

if you respond it sends him the message that he still has some power/control over you ....

he clicks his fingers veiled as a letter of apology and you respond

great that you forgive him and you have closure.

however does he actually need to know hes forgiven

if you're truely at peace then bin the letter and forget him once and for all

otherwise the cycle will continue

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I'm not one to play games ever. I don't like it and I'm too much a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Someone I was seeing last year (not from here) really hurt me a lot .

I stupidly allowed him to do it a few more times.

I wouldnt waste your time reply. The best revenge is silence. Your silence is a sign, that you have moved on and dont need him in your life. He had his chance. If you reply, it makes you sound interested even if you say youre not.

He's now sent a very heartfelt letter of apology. I won't ever allow him to hurt me again. We are done and I mean that, but I do want to forgive him and let him know I have. I'm the bigger person.

The question is how long should I leave it before I respond to know for sure he actually means it and isn't just bored and looking for a quick fix from an easy target .

The no response will drive him mad which is in some ways deserved. "

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

[Removed by poster at 11/10/19 23:52:50]

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

Ride it out, even if you make a fool of yourself again, it doesn't matter, this will end I promise you, but only when you wake up without the strength to make it as important to you as it has been.

Don't blame yourself for being foolish or having feelings where they don't deserve to be. This will end. Please keep living in the meantime whilst you ride this out xxx

I agree with a lot of this but I'm not in love with him. I fell for the idea of him he created which wasn't real . I know that now which is great.

The point is really that I kinda want to just make him fully aware of what he did and yes make him feel a wee bit bad into the bargain! "

Why be involved with him,anymore, you sound like you want to be. Have some self respect and ignore him.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Blimey! Narcissism must be really easy to diagnose.

A guy treats a woman badly, she goes back for more. He realises that he can do what he likes and she'll keep going back. One day she goes quiet so he sends her a letter, none of us can infer his motive much less diagnose a personality disorder. The only thing we know is that for whatever reason neither of them seem to be able to walk away from this. It's a story as old as time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Blimey! Narcissism must be really easy to diagnose.

mine was diagnosed by a psychologist

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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

OP - There's an old saying, "a leopard doesn't change its spots".

Thus, whatever has gone before COULD occur again? The person's approach to you might be genuine, but equally, it could be a ploy to get back into your life for all the wrong reasons which may not be as honourable as they seem initially.

Do you wish to take that chance to possibly be hurt again?

Look after yourself first, follow your gut feeling, not your heart!

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By *rkrisssMan
over a year ago

Berkshire

Have you ever seen Groundhog day?!? Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Blimey! Narcissism must be really easy to diagnose.

re-read my response to the OP.

I don't think I made it clear enough

for clarity .....

I am talking about my ex who is diagnosed and how I had to learn how to respond to his behaviour etc

I was not suggesting OPs ex is a narcissist

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I'm not one to play games ever. I don't like it and I'm too much a tell it like it is kind of girl.

Someone I was seeing last year (not from here) really hurt me a lot .

I stupidly allowed him to do it a few more times.

He's now sent a very heartfelt letter of apology. I won't ever allow him to hurt me again. We are done and I mean that, but I do want to forgive him and let him know I have. I'm the bigger person.

The question is how long should I leave it before I respond to know for sure he actually means it and isn't just bored and looking for a quick fix from an easy target .

The no response will drive him mad which is in some ways deserved. "

Chances are he will do it again if he has done it more than once. People can't change their nature. You only need to respond if you want him back in your life. If you however have shut that door for good then don't. No response is necessary. He will likely contact again asking whether you read the letter at which point you say that you did and that you shut the door. End of story. My thoughts at least!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think he's trying to see if you respond and pull you back in. I'd stay well clear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would ignore him...

He hurt you so much before. It’s great he wrote you a letter apologising so your pride is restored.

But don’t go back to him. Ever. He can only hurt you more.

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By *tew008Man
over a year ago

edinburgh

If he’s already squandered previous chances you’re under no obligation to reciprocate now. Don’t owe anything.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice is just do what you feel is right for you as only you can really make that decision it’s your life and do what makes you happy you and only you alone control your destiny don’t ever let anyone try to do that for you

Good luck in whatever you chose just don’t ever dwell or regret your decisions x

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

From your description of the situation op he sounds like a manipulative person. Once I realise I’m being manipulated I tend to loose all trust in that person and would treat any further contact with suspicion. You are asking for opinion and mine would be stay clear or you will get dragged back in. This is based on your information on the situation and as the saying goes there is two sides to every corner.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’d say give him a week or two, then tell him you’ve forgiven him, but you’ve moved on, and will not give him the opportunity to do it again.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I personally that you should reply when you feel ready for it.

Do not care how long it 'must' take...and all those shizzles!

Acknowledge his apology and like you said forgive him without ever forgetting what he has done.

If you feel that you are able to talk to him without being emotionally invovle then you should. Otherwise avoid keeping in contact with him but still acknowledge his letter.

Very sound advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

youve accepted his apology and moved on acknowledging it only opens up communications, which it would seem you dont want?

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

Ignore the twonk......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If he has hurt you once he has the potential to do it again move on x

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By *r NSA UnicornMan
over a year ago

Huntly

Have a third party know to both of you deliver the message. You can add that you are moving on.. that always sounds final

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did this years ago ... quite a few years after we split I rang him, drove 150 miles and had a coffee, a nice chat and for me put everything to bed forever but if he'd messaged me to apologise only after a year, I'm afraid I would have ignored him and let it go! Only you can decide what is best for you, but if it's caused this much consternation then I would question if I was actually over him?

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