Join us FREE, we're FREE to use
Web's largest swingers site since 2006.
Already registered?
Login here
Join us FREE, we're FREE to use
Web's largest swingers site since 2006.
Already registered?
Login here
 | Back to forum list |
| Back to The Lounge |
| Jump to newest |  |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I am just very good at closing doors in life. Had to do it for self protection when I was younger, now it is useful." Interesting and yes I guess life experience (good or bad) does play its part and glad that what sounds like a bad experience when you were younger has been turned into something of good use now  | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I am just very good at closing doors in life. Had to do it for self protection when I was younger, now it is useful. Interesting and yes I guess life experience (good or bad) does play its part and glad that what sounds like a bad experience when you were younger has been turned into something of good use now "I refused to allow the past to rule my life, I see it on a positive way in that it made me who I am, and I didn't turn out too bad | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
 | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I wear my heart on my sleeve and struggl to separate things emotionally. I am getting better at this though. " I think it can to an extent be a learning process when you step into *this* life for sure - which is why I'm glad I came up with my "bubble" thing fairly early on - as it helped frame things and put them into perspective | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
Fuzz | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I find it’s quite commonly necessary, mostly because I’m naturally very passionate and giving in the moment and it is just that. A moment. The problem lies in that some people’s reason for being here is a lack of that passion and attentiveness to their needs emotionally and/or otherwise so sometimes it becomes a benchmark for what they feel they require and thus attachment forms on their end. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like this with a good proportion of people on here but there’s a good proportion it does apply to. " Yes, there really is. I've known of numerous times over the years where one person reacts in a jealous/possessive manner etc. I think it's how it is dealt with that's the important thing - I'm all for people accepting/acknowledging those things as long as it doesn't have a negative impact on others. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I embrace my feelings and don't necessarily see them as a thing that shouldn't be. They are natural. The very rare occasion I do feel jealous (and it's happened once in several years) I question why that actually arose. Is it insecurity about some aspect? Feeling less self worth rather than a true reflection of the actual situation? I can fix that and do. I love some of the people I've met through fab and I guess for me it's not an issue. I don't know if I subscribe to the bubble theory. It sounds niceish but for me I don't switch off caring/liking a person because they aren't balls deep in me. I do compartmentalise to some extent and understand what it's trying to explain." I think regardless of how well we compartmentalise which is definitely a skill that’s required in this lifestyle (in my opinion) there’s always someone with the personality to walk straight in to your deepest emotions. I can attest to that, but I know you have to be exceptionally honest with yourself and figure that stuff out before applying yourself or blocking emotion. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"My mental health means I feel emotions more intensely than most and quite often have to deal with negative emotions when I'm not in a good place. But the flip side is, when I am in a good place I feel positive emotions more intensely than most. So when I'm in a bad place I'll take a step back and when I'm in a good place I try to make the most of it. I like your 'bubble theroy G-man, it makes sense
Fuzz"Totally agree with this, the highs can be amazing but the lows can really mess with your head  | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
 . We approach swinging as a unit rather than individually, cut one of us we both bleed and I think that's what makes it possible for us to separate a connection that's built up over nearly 40 years from the shallow connection built up over one or two meetings and a few dozen messages. I'm not knocking it in any way, I'm just very clear on the difference. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"As someone who has a serious mental health condition this is something I struggle with. Im very emotional but its extreme emotions so I go from one end of scale to other. With some guys I can happily just fuck them and wave goodbye but there have been a couple that have got under my skin and into my head and its really not good for mentally. " I think falling into gemini’s Eloquently termed ‘bubble’ is detrimental in that aspect. It’s Definitely essential to be a bit sporadic as oppose to impulsive and try to apply grounding techniques to mitigate some of the fluctuations regarding your emotions. That’s generally what I consciously try to do although it’s never a sure fire thing. Far from it in truth but I can certainly relate to you on this one as I too suffer... I’m just fortunate in that I’ve found someone who does take all my feelings into consideration and helps me stay grounded. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"If it's just a one off fuck or even a regular fuck that I don't particularly have much in common with, it's easy for me to just leave it as sex. If it's someone ive got to know and got close to then it's difficult to not feel something for them. That's when it gets rough and complicated lol. " I think the key is being able to separate genuinely liking and being close to someone and feeling any kind of commitment or sense of possessiveness towards them - kind of an emotionally attached detachment if you like - which I know is a contradiction but it makes sense in my head
I think it's entirely feasible to have feelings for someone without necessarily anything more if you know how to handle those feelings and not let them consume you (unless you both want them to of course). | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think it depends on a lot of things for me. Sometimes I'm completely and utterly detached, I just move on. Physically it was good (or not), end of story. It can be more complicated for me when I develop friendship. I've never let it go further than that, but the shades of grey at the edges can be dangerous. You have to be really clear with each other about expectations and work out how upfront other people are willing to be with you. People read things in that aren't there (it's a risk I'm aware of myself) or sometimes even manipulate. I've made mistakes, I keep learning, but I know that mistakes are part of the learning process. I just try to minimise fallout/ drama when it happens. " I think the central part of that is the key - the communication and both being on the same page in terms of what you are looking for and expectations etc - being open and honest goes a long way, as does respecting each others position. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"If it's just a one off fuck or even a regular fuck that I don't particularly have much in common with, it's easy for me to just leave it as sex. If it's someone ive got to know and got close to then it's difficult to not feel something for them. That's when it gets rough and complicated lol. I think the key is being able to separate genuinely liking and being close to someone and feeling any kind of commitment or sense of possessiveness towards them - kind of an emotionally attached detachment if you like - which I know is a contradiction but it makes sense in my head
I think it's entirely feasible to have feelings for someone without necessarily anything more if you know how to handle those feelings and not let them consume you (unless you both want them to of course)."Yeah it's just acknowledging that you like someone but their actions and life are not yours to control or have any influence over. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" I don't know if I subscribe to the bubble theory. It sounds niceish but for me I don't switch off caring/liking a person because they aren't balls deep in me. I do compartmentalise to some extent and understand what it's trying to explain." Who said anything about switching off liking someone just because you're no longer in the bubble with them? As I said in between times you still maintain contact and have memories of what happened inside the bubble, you're just not physically "with" that person and have no attachment to them as such when you're outside of it. It may not work for everyone but it certainly frames how I manage things. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I am good a compartmentalising. I have different friends who live in different boxes in my life, and not all of these boxes can intermingle. One thing that is good about this site is you know what people are up for as opposed in the dating world you could fall in love with someone when they just want fun." Believe me that can still happen here! P | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Over our years on fab it's become clear to me that we're (or at least the way I represent us in the forum) perceived as cold or at least lacking in emotion. The fact is that we're just able to separate genuine, deep emotion from the transient connections that are often part of swinging. Of course if we become good friends with someone we've met things change. We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately . We approach swinging as a unit rather than individually, cut one of us we both bleed and I think that's what makes it possible for us to separate a connection that's built up over nearly 40 years from the shallow connection built up over one or two meetings and a few dozen messages. I'm not knocking it in any way, I'm just very clear on the difference."I agree and to an extent I think it's a lot easier for couples such as yourselves to detach and separate things - you have each other after all, so emotions are a lot easier to keep in check. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Over our years on fab it's become clear to me that we're (or at least the way I represent us in the forum) perceived as cold or at least lacking in emotion. The fact is that we're just able to separate genuine, deep emotion from the transient connections that are often part of swinging. Of course if we become good friends with someone we've met things change. We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately . We approach swinging as a unit rather than individually, cut one of us we both bleed and I think that's what makes it possible for us to separate a connection that's built up over nearly 40 years from the shallow connection built up over one or two meetings and a few dozen messages. I'm not knocking it in any way, I'm just very clear on the difference."I wanna be like you when I grow up P | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Who said anything about switching off liking someone just because you're no longer in the bubble with them? As I said in between times you still maintain contact and have memories of what happened inside the bubble, you're just not physically "with" that person and have no attachment to them as such when you're outside of it. It may not work for everyone but it certainly frames how I manage things." A bubble to me is more closed off. I still have attachment to a copule I've met, even when I'm outside the bubble. I'm not sure - I think sometimes I have more of a poly leaning. I can see it's helped you frame things though and that's really good. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
 | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Hmmm I've met people that I've pretty much patted on the back and given them the thumbs up "give her one from me" kinda thing and genuinely wanted them to have an amazing time. There have been other times when I've not felt jealous as such, but more protective. For me part of it is the who they're meeting. I admit I've felt cast aside if we've become what I consider good mates and they've not told me about the meet, not that it's got anything to do with me, but more of a "I thought we shared this shiz" kinda thing. Getting back to the OP and my situation now. I think that's why I prefer club meets at the minute with B, as there's no bonding as such, no opportunity to get too close. It gets left at the door and that's that. Events that have happened on and off fab have taught me that not everyone is what they seem and their intentions/motives may not be what they portray them to be. I don't want that kind of behaviour around me or in our inbox, and most certainly not in my home. P" Oh I certainly think club meets are far easier to detach and as you say leave at the club door when you part - basically because they are, for the most part, spur of the moment things rather than built up via messaging, chemistry and connection that you find through a Fab meet. And yes there are *some* who are very good at saying one thing but meaning another and can be incredibly possessive and as I said lamp post pissy around. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
 | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
 | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Over our years on fab it's become clear to me that we're (or at least the way I represent us in the forum) perceived as cold or at least lacking in emotion. The fact is that we're just able to separate genuine, deep emotion from the transient connections that are often part of swinging. Of course if we become good friends with someone we've met things change. We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately . We approach swinging as a unit rather than individually, cut one of us we both bleed and I think that's what makes it possible for us to separate a connection that's built up over nearly 40 years from the shallow connection built up over one or two meetings and a few dozen messages. I'm not knocking it in any way, I'm just very clear on the difference.
I wanna be like you when I grow up
P" that's a nice thing to say, thank you.
I think you should aim higher | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Over our years on fab it's become clear to me that we're (or at least the way I represent us in the forum) perceived as cold or at least lacking in emotion. The fact is that we're just able to separate genuine, deep emotion from the transient connections that are often part of swinging. Of course if we become good friends with someone we've met things change. We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately . We approach swinging as a unit rather than individually, cut one of us we both bleed and I think that's what makes it possible for us to separate a connection that's built up over nearly 40 years from the shallow connection built up over one or two meetings and a few dozen messages. I'm not knocking it in any way, I'm just very clear on the difference.
I agree and to an extent I think it's a lot easier for couples such as yourselves to detach and separate things - you have each other after all, so emotions are a lot easier to keep in check."Is it a case of keeping emotions in check or just being realistic about what the possibilities are? | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"“So how do you deal with it? Are you able to separate NSA and emotions or do lines get blurred?” I was thinking about this today, as i have a meet with someone tonight i’ve met on a few occassions previously. I tend to like someone a lot, think i fancy them, act a bit weird, then go off the boil really quickly and realise i don’t fancy them, and then it’s all normal service resumed and can have nsa fun with them like it’s nothing. I don’t know why this happens. It’s usually because they do something that makes it apparent they’re not really for me, but they are ok in the short term. BUT that said, i don’t want to hear about other women. Some folk like to play you off against each other but i find that a massive turn off. " I think it can be quite easy to get caught up in that first excited flurry of messages, finding someone "new" that takes your fancy and then things settle a little and "nomalise". And yeah the hearing about other people is a tough one - kind of you don't want your nose rubbed in it. I think what you share comes down to individual "relationships" and what you are both comfortable with - to my mind who/when someone I've met is meeting others is none of my business unless it somehow impacts me (which it shouldn't). | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"“So how do you deal with it? Are you able to separate NSA and emotions or do lines get blurred?” I was thinking about this today, as i have a meet with someone tonight i’ve met on a few occassions previously. I tend to like someone a lot, think i fancy them, act a bit weird, then go off the boil really quickly and realise i don’t fancy them, and then it’s all normal service resumed and can have nsa fun with them like it’s nothing. I don’t know why this happens. It’s usually because they do something that makes it apparent they’re not really for me, but they are ok in the short term. BUT that said, i don’t want to hear about other women. Some folk like to play you off against each other but i find that a massive turn off. I LOVE hearing about other women. That such a massive turn on! If I thought they were trying to make me jealous and playing head games though that would just be a goodbye. " | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"If it's just a one off fuck or even a regular fuck that I don't particularly have much in common with, it's easy for me to just leave it as sex. If it's someone ive got to know and got close to then it's difficult to not feel something for them. That's when it gets rough and complicated lol. I think the key is being able to separate genuinely liking and being close to someone and feeling any kind of commitment or sense of possessiveness towards them - kind of an emotionally attached detachment if you like - which I know is a contradiction but it makes sense in my head
I think it's entirely feasible to have feelings for someone without necessarily anything more if you know how to handle those feelings and not let them consume you (unless you both want them to of course)."Yeah, I know what you mean. With most people I fuck I'm perfectly happy having our fun then just getting on with things til our next encounter. Very occasionally someone will get under my skin and then I either take a step back or give my head a wobble. I'm not looking for a relationship but sometimes someone just smacks you in the feels button lol. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Having read some more of the comments I think I've misinterpreted the bubble thing. To me it's not about shutting off when you leave that bubble. In fact it's the opposite. In a way I shut off when I enter the bubble and my focus is on enjoying my time with that person. I guess maybe other might not like the thought that if someone they have met meets someone else that during that time their focus is on that other person and it's not really about you but that doesn't really bother me as long as I know when we are in our bubble it is the same and is something we are both enjoying. I'm not saying that I forget about or stop considering other people when with others. When you care about people you do think about them and they can come up in conversation. I mean more that the time I spend with each person is "our time". Though I may be viewing this from a different perspective as a polyamorous person." I don't think you have - the bubble thing is open to individual interpretation and application but in its simplest form it just a means to separate out different meets and situations/circumstances regardless of levels of emotional attachment | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" I agree and to an extent I think it's a lot easier for couples such as yourselves to detach and separate things - you have each other after all, so emotions are a lot easier to keep in check. Is it a case of keeping emotions in check or just being realistic about what the possibilities are?" Maybe a mix of the two in some ways | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I am just very good at closing doors in life. Had to do it for self protection when I was younger, now it is useful. Interesting and yes I guess life experience (good or bad) does play its part and glad that what sounds like a bad experience when you were younger has been turned into something of good use now
I refused to allow the past to rule my life, I see it on a positive way in that it made me who I am, and I didn't turn out too bad "I always say “it’s my story not my baggage”. Plus if you redirect it to serve you well, that just shows your resilience! - Mrs | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Having read some more of the comments I think I've misinterpreted the bubble thing. To me it's not about shutting off when you leave that bubble. In fact it's the opposite. In a way I shut off when I enter the bubble and my focus is on enjoying my time with that person. I guess maybe other might not like the thought that if someone they have met meets someone else that during that time their focus is on that other person and it's not really about you but that doesn't really bother me as long as I know when we are in our bubble it is the same and is something we are both enjoying. " I'd agree with you on that and the OP's further clarification about it being down to different interpretations. I'm much like you; when I'm with someone they have my focus and I expect the same in return. I also expect people to meet others and their focus to be on that person - in a sense I'd find it almost a bit rude if it wasn't (unless agreed by both parties). Apologies for the tangent OP! | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"OP, do you think that you are better able to do this because you are in a relationship? In essence, do you think you would be more likely to become attached to someone you met if you were single and not already having your emotional needs met in a relationship? Personally, although I am very fond of some people that I have met and had that connection with, i'm able to compartmentalise as i'm generally quite an emotionally 'hard' person. I think at the end of the day it all boils down to two things: Your personal circumstances - if you're already in a relationship, happily single, lonely and looking for love. How you process feelings and emotions - people react differently to different circumstances, be that because of past life experiences, upbringing, or a whole myriad of other reasons. The fact remains that some people on here will have feelings of jealousy, and sometimes people behave in a less than pleasant manner because of those feelings. I accept that they don't have total control over their feelings, but everybody has control over their own behaviour. Sorry, that's a rather rambling reply "Rambles are always good - especially when making some very good points as you have
You're spot on with individual circumstances and how you handle emotions being the key and I think, albeit subconsciously, that is where my bubble thing came from as a means of framing my own personal perspective around all *this* and almost building my own compartments by doing so.
You're also right on the mark about people having control over their behaviour too - it's one thing having feelings, keeping them in check is where there's a fine line that shouldn't be crossed, but often is. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Nope. Fab made me realise I can’t do total NSA and I definitely can’t share. It’s me or the rest. I realise I’m in the minority but that’s the way I am. I’m always honest about it though, I don’t lead people on and I don’t do jealousy I just walk away. Not had any issues though. I can, however do total NSA with women. I’m a strange one. But we all know that anyway "And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that - as you say you're open and honest about what you want, are expecting and are looking for and that is the key | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Having read some more of the comments I think I've misinterpreted the bubble thing. To me it's not about shutting off when you leave that bubble. In fact it's the opposite. In a way I shut off when I enter the bubble and my focus is on enjoying my time with that person. I guess maybe other might not like the thought that if someone they have met meets someone else that during that time their focus is on that other person and it's not really about you but that doesn't really bother me as long as I know when we are in our bubble it is the same and is something we are both enjoying. I'm not saying that I forget about or stop considering other people when with others. When you care about people you do think about them and they can come up in conversation. I mean more that the time I spend with each person is "our time". Though I may be viewing this from a different perspective as a polyamorous person." Having re-read this I think we might actually be saying the same thing just in different ways - if I've interpreted you right you mean you shut off the outside world when you enter the bubble and focus on enjoying time with the person in that bubble - that's exactly how I see it too | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Over our years on fab it's become clear to me that we're (or at least the way I represent us in the forum) perceived as cold or at least lacking in emotion. The fact is that we're just able to separate genuine, deep emotion from the transient connections that are often part of swinging. Of course if we become good friends with someone we've met things change. We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately . We approach swinging as a unit rather than individually, cut one of us we both bleed and I think that's what makes it possible for us to separate a connection that's built up over nearly 40 years from the shallow connection built up over one or two meetings and a few dozen messages. I'm not knocking it in any way, I'm just very clear on the difference."spot on
i think couples who have been together for a while deal with it differently .. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"NSA is easier as a couple. I don't do it as a single. " I’m the same, can do it with a partner and not be jealous but not as a singer person. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I am a poly and am able to emotionally detach very easily when I want to, I will speak to all my friend meets on a daily basis and we chat about personal stuff as well, I do care and feel protective of them as they do me, but we all happily meet other people and encourage that, the key is honesty and openness if a feeling is surfacing we talk about it, reaffirm why we meet each other and whether we need to change certain aspects of our meet to help. " Absolutely - honesty, openness and communication are the key elements to any kind of relationship that is at more than a very superficial level | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I'm fortunate that I can compartmentalize very well. That doesn't mean I can't have feelings of affection and friendship for people i've met here and indeed this is usually the case. Outside of a club environment, I won't have sex with anyone without appreciating them for the person they are. I feel this isn't possible if one has a complete or significant emotional detachment. I often times can be very affectionate with people I appreciate but don't permit that affection to progress to something deeper on an emotional level. That doesn't mean things could change with the right person or if my frame of mind shifts to a different place. At the moment, i'm very content with meeting people for sex and developing a friendly relationship with them. Even if I stop meeting them for sex, for my part, the friendship remains "Yes and maybe my use of 'emotional detachment' was a poor choice of words - because that connection and chemistry is key, and they can't exist without some level of emotion, or as you say affection. What I meant was more the 'emotional detachment' of things like not getting possessive or jealous because someone you've met is meeting others or because they flirt with someone else on the forums. Maybe the difference between getting "the feels" and "affection" - which is a great way to put it Sir | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Nope.. I cant do it. In order for me to have sex with someone I need an attraction and friendship first. Without the attachment of some form I just can’t function. Probably stems from my background of kink as opposed to swing too, where the level of trust has been required in order to fully appreciate any kind of fun. I kind of like it this way to be honest. It’s how I am and it’s not going to change so I’ll roll with it. " And again nothing at all wrong with that - same as Nora really, the key is being clear and up front about what you want and expect | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Nope.. I cant do it. In order for me to have sex with someone I need an attraction and friendship first. Without the attachment of some form I just can’t function. Probably stems from my background of kink as opposed to swing too, where the level of trust has been required in order to fully appreciate any kind of fun. I kind of like it this way to be honest. It’s how I am and it’s not going to change so I’ll roll with it. And again nothing at all wrong with that - same as Nora really, the key is being clear and up front about what you want and expect" Very much so. I’m clear as day in my profile and messages so no surprises... I can meet people without strings and have no jealousy of them meetings others after, in the right circumstances. But the level of connection has to be there regardless. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"We haven’t had a problem with emotionally becoming over attached. But being in a couple, we have each other’s needs covered so may be less vulnerable ? I’m not sure. I’m very good at compartmentalising. Mr Cagey is the same. For us swinging is getting on with others socially in a friendly way, not having to have massive emotional expectations put upon us by others, and just about the sex and fun times. If others have jealousy issues that we spend time with anyone else that’s not about us but we don’t mind our friends or sex partners sharing their stories with us and cheering each other on and that’s how we think It should be. If anyone seems too attached we quickly lose interest. - Mrs " I think the key thing that's being highlighted across the board is emotional needs being met = less issues arising. P | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I'm fortunate that I can compartmentalize very well. That doesn't mean I can't have feelings of affection and friendship for people i've met here and indeed this is usually the case. Outside of a club environment, I won't have sex with anyone without appreciating them for the person they are. I feel this isn't possible if one has a complete or significant emotional detachment. I often times can be very affectionate with people I appreciate but don't permit that affection to progress to something deeper on an emotional level. That doesn't mean things could change with the right person or if my frame of mind shifts to a different place. At the moment, i'm very content with meeting people for sex and developing a friendly relationship with them. Even if I stop meeting them for sex, for my part, the friendship remains
Yes and maybe my use of 'emotional detachment' was a poor choice of words - because that connection and chemistry is key, and they can't exist without some level of emotion, or as you say affection.
What I meant was more the 'emotional detachment' of things like not getting possessive or jealous because someone you've met is meeting others or because they flirt with someone else on the forums. Maybe the difference between getting "the feels" and "affection" - which is a great way to put it Sir "If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet "Which is as it should be, but something a lot struggle with and I guess what I was getting at with my OP is how people manage to compartmentalise and not get those feelings | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Having read some more of the comments I think I've misinterpreted the bubble thing. To me it's not about shutting off when you leave that bubble. In fact it's the opposite. In a way I shut off when I enter the bubble and my focus is on enjoying my time with that person. I guess maybe other might not like the thought that if someone they have met meets someone else that during that time their focus is on that other person and it's not really about you but that doesn't really bother me as long as I know when we are in our bubble it is the same and is something we are both enjoying. I'm not saying that I forget about or stop considering other people when with others. When you care about people you do think about them and they can come up in conversation. I mean more that the time I spend with each person is "our time". Though I may be viewing this from a different perspective as a polyamorous person. Having re-read this I think we might actually be saying the same thing just in different ways - if I've interpreted you right you mean you shut off the outside world when you enter the bubble and focus on enjoying time with the person in that bubble - that's exactly how I see it too "Yes that's absolutely what I meant. The time in between they may see other people and enjoy other connections but when it is just us we have each other's focus. It's different with my primary partner as we live together but we still dedicate time to just us. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others. I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread: Firstly; it's much easier to detach when you're part of a couple, having your emotional needs fulfilled by your partner makes the definition and lines far clearer. In my experience swinging then becomes about sharing. Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey. Finally; The swingles are a strange and fickle bunch, there are a myriad of reasons for them being on here and often lines can become easily blurred, even with clarity and communication. I think that often it's this group which leads to jealous/possessive behaviour. Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance. I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers. If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive. " All excellent points as ever and no getting the "feels" doesn't have to be a bad thing at all - nor does, as Chillout put it, feeling "affection" towards someone, even in an NSA context - the key to the first is there being no barriers to it as you say, and the key to the second is being able to manage and contain that affection appropriately. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet
Which is as it should be, but something a lot struggle with and I guess what I was getting at with my OP is how people manage to compartmentalise and not get those feelings "Agreed. In an ideal world none of us would experience feelings of jealousy or possesiveness but we are all human and the important thing is how you deal with it. Other people are of course perfectly within their right to stop seeing someone if they develop those kinds of feelings but if they are on the milder end of the spectrum and they haven't tried to be controlling as a result, if I like meeting the person I would rather talk it through with them. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others. I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread: Firstly; it's much easier to detach when you're part of a couple, having your emotional needs fulfilled by your partner makes the definition and lines far clearer. In my experience swinging then becomes about sharing. Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey. Finally; The swingles are a strange and fickle bunch, there are a myriad of reasons for them being on here and often lines can become easily blurred, even with clarity and communication. I think that often it's this group which leads to jealous/possessive behaviour. Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance. I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers. If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive. " Interesting observations. If I'm going to be a different creature can I be a narwhal? | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers. " Yes Tea Monkey! You've expressed it in a clearer way than I did. We've spoken about it in some length but I really think love is seen as being one particular thing but it can take many guises. Esp on a site like this it's a big no no. " If I'm going to be a different creature can I be a narwhal? " I'd like to be a manticore please and thank you. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others. I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread: Firstly; it's much easier to detach when you're part of a couple, having your emotional needs fulfilled by your partner makes the definition and lines far clearer. In my experience swinging then becomes about sharing. Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey. Finally; The swingles are a strange and fickle bunch, there are a myriad of reasons for them being on here and often lines can become easily blurred, even with clarity and communication. I think that often it's this group which leads to jealous/possessive behaviour. Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance. I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers. If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive. Interesting observations. If I'm going to be a different creature can I be a narwhal? " Sure, why not! I was going to talk about Venn diagrams and such things but I thought that phrasing was less cold
Poly is one aspect that I don't have experience of, I understand it from an outsiders perspective but to my mind, it's something you either are or aren't. In my understanding though we all move in the same sea, perhaps a narwhal is fairly appropriate | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Really interesting reading all the comments on this thread! As a couple who have sex with other people I think you have to be able to separate sex and some feelings . I say some because I think in my opinion it brings up different feelings and emotions with different people, there are some you physically connect with and after your time with them you might never be worried about seeing them again, then there are people who you connect with on a different level and you can grow fond of them and have a meaningful relationship without falling head over heels in love with, then there are those who actually have deeper feelings for and they become part of your life for instance we have a couple that we see that we love to bits as friends and can spend a lot of time with but not always sexual , if that makes sense?!" Makes perfect sense to me.! Different people in different categories and I think having the security of your partner as “home” allows a free exploration and feelings even without the same attachment as a single. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Really interesting reading all the comments on this thread! As a couple who have sex with other people I think you have to be able to separate sex and some feelings . I say some because I think in my opinion it brings up different feelings and emotions with different people, there are some you physically connect with and after your time with them you might never be worried about seeing them again, then there are people who you connect with on a different level and you can grow fond of them and have a meaningful relationship without falling head over heels in love with, then there are those who actually have deeper feelings for and they become part of your life for instance we have a couple that we see that we love to bits as friends and can spend a lot of time with but not always sexual , if that makes sense?! Makes perfect sense to me.! Different people in different categories and I think having the security of your partner as “home” allows a free exploration and feelings even without the same attachment as a single. " Yes definitely, everything we have together as a couple is above and beyond anything I could ever wish for and I’m sure D would say the same, so having that security gives us freedom to explore as you say x | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I'm not interested in being in any bubble for a short period of time with anyone. I didnt need fab for me to know that I'm not just a body people connect with over a few hrs then move on. If you have to think about choosing me then dont bother. So that's why most of the time I will not bother. Having sex isn't the bee all of my life. I need a high level of trust for my kinks and that's only established over a longer period of time. This isnt because I'm jealous or insecure etc. I'm a very hard nut to crack when it comes to any emotional attachment. I just think I'm worth more than being just one of many and I wont do so, so I'll walk away. Im honest on my profile just wish others would also be sometimes. " | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet
Which is as it should be, but something a lot struggle with and I guess what I was getting at with my OP is how people manage to compartmentalise and not get those feelings
Agreed. In an ideal world none of us would experience feelings of jealousy or possesiveness but we are all human and the important thing is how you deal with it. Other people are of course perfectly within their right to stop seeing someone if they develop those kinds of feelings but if they are on the milder end of the spectrum and they haven't tried to be controlling as a result, if I like meeting the person I would rather talk it through with them."Definitely, and that comes down to how people deal with any feelings of envy or possessiveness or any other emotion for that matter - as you say it's a spectrum and one that is actually, to an extent, part of the learning curve of this lifestyle when you first step into it, or even when meeting someone new - as it can be very much a "thing" that is individual to a specific "relationship" within the lifestyle - those feelings may not always develop with each meet or encounter. Again as was said earlier - you can't control feelings, but you can control behaviour. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging "I also believe that new couples are judged and branded as jealous or not proper swingers when the truth is they're simply learning. I've been branded jealous and controlling, when in reality I was finding my feet. I just spoken to a friend I've not talked to for far too long, they told me they were giving me and B space which as a new couple we probably needed. It's something that I wholeheartedly agreed with and has solidified that friendship even more, knowing they have my best interests at heart. My respect level has been raised a notch for them. P | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others. I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread: Firstly; it's much easier to detach when you're part of a couple, having your emotional needs fulfilled by your partner makes the definition and lines far clearer. In my experience swinging then becomes about sharing. Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey. Finally; The swingles are a strange and fickle bunch, there are a myriad of reasons for them being on here and often lines can become easily blurred, even with clarity and communication. I think that often it's this group which leads to jealous/possessive behaviour. Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance. I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers. If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive. Interesting observations. If I'm going to be a different creature can I be a narwhal? Sure, why not! I was going to talk about Venn diagrams and such things but I thought that phrasing was less cold
Poly is one aspect that I don't have experience of, I understand it from an outsiders perspective but to my mind, it's something you either are or aren't. In my understanding though we all move in the same sea, perhaps a narwhal is fairly appropriate "I wasn't being off, I'm just silly
I don't think it's either something you are or aren't. There's something called polyflexible which means you can be happy either way. I totally get where you're going with Venn diagrams. I think non-monogamy is a spectrum to be honest. Anyway I don't want to hijack the OP's post too much | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging "Im definitely not but I never claimed to be. I googled bi curious one day and this came up. I joined, met a few women, a couple of men and enjoy the forums so decided to stay | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet
Which is as it should be, but something a lot struggle with and I guess what I was getting at with my OP is how people manage to compartmentalise and not get those feelings
Agreed. In an ideal world none of us would experience feelings of jealousy or possesiveness but we are all human and the important thing is how you deal with it. Other people are of course perfectly within their right to stop seeing someone if they develop those kinds of feelings but if they are on the milder end of the spectrum and they haven't tried to be controlling as a result, if I like meeting the person I would rather talk it through with them.
Definitely, and that comes down to how people deal with any feelings of envy or possessiveness or any other emotion for that matter - as you say it's a spectrum and one that is actually, to an extent, part of the learning curve of this lifestyle when you first step into it, or even when meeting someone new - as it can be very much a "thing" that is individual to a specific "relationship" within the lifestyle - those feelings may not always develop with each meet or encounter.
Again as was said earlier - you can't control feelings, but you can control behaviour.""You can't control your feelings, but you can control behaviour." THIS is the most important thing for me. Personally I like to distinguish between envy and jealousy though as I think one is more often harmless. I am envious of my partner's other partner for how well she bruises from impact play compared to me. However I am not jealous. I do not resent her for what she has or fear she will take our partner away because she bruises better. I'm happy for her when she shows off her marks, I just wish I got bruises like that too sometimes . | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging
I also believe that new couples are judged and branded as jealous or not proper swingers when the truth is they're simply learning. I've been branded jealous and controlling, when in reality I was finding my feet.
I just spoken to a friend I've not talked to for far too long, they told me they were giving me and B space which as a new couple we probably needed. It's something that I wholeheartedly agreed with and has solidified that friendship even more, knowing they have my best interests at heart. My respect level has been raised a notch for them.
P"There will always be a mixture of everything you’ve described within new couples but equally there are those that it’s a mutual decision. They may choose to continue swinging or not depending on the couple. Swing and I are a prime example, we aren’t swingers and were only here for NSA sex. As I said non swingers have a different mindset so we became a couple and didn’t want to continue meeting. It was a mutual decision no coercion or jealousy. Equally you are part of a new couple and are finding your feet. It’s your ‘relationship’ and how you go about it is your business so ignore the criticism, find your feet and enjoy being a couple | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging
*** I also believe that new couples are judged and branded as jealous or not proper swingers when the truth is they're simply learning. I've been branded jealous and controlling, when in reality I was finding my feet. ***
I just spoken to a friend I've not talked to for far too long, they told me they were giving me and B space which as a new couple we probably needed. It's something that I wholeheartedly agreed with and has solidified that friendship even more, knowing they have my best interests at heart. My respect level has been raised a notch for them.
P"*** I just think those types are trying to guilt trip the people into doing something they don't want to. Saying they aren't proper swingers so the person will say they will do X so they don't look daft. 
Elite Swingers looking down on everyone else. Probably incredibly insecure on the inside and making a noise about how Genuine Swinger they are to hide the fact they have major issues in themselves/ their failing relationship. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging
Im definitely not but I never claimed to be. I googled bi curious one day and this came up. I joined, met a few women, a couple of men and enjoy the forums so decided to stay "Me neither as I said above I wanted NSA sex not a relationship but Swing came along and that was that. There’s a place for everyone on the site it’s just a case of meeting those that are right for your mindset. I wanted an emotional connection without the relationship, I found it with ease by being honest about what I wanted. An element of trust was needed although having an excellent bat shit crazy detector helped. Swing was a happy accident that started from nothing, I’ll always have the forum to thank for that  | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging
*** I also believe that new couples are judged and branded as jealous or not proper swingers when the truth is they're simply learning. I've been branded jealous and controlling, when in reality I was finding my feet. ***
I just spoken to a friend I've not talked to for far too long, they told me they were giving me and B space which as a new couple we probably needed. It's something that I wholeheartedly agreed with and has solidified that friendship even more, knowing they have my best interests at heart. My respect level has been raised a notch for them.
P
*** I just think those types are trying to guilt trip the people into doing something they don't want to. Saying they aren't proper swingers so the person will say they will do X so they don't look daft.
Elite Swingers looking down on everyone else. Probably incredibly insecure on the inside and making a noise about how Genuine Swinger they are to hide the fact they have major issues in themselves/ their failing relationship. "Let’s not forget the genuine swinging couples on the site that are cheating on each other while coming out with their sanctimonious claptrap | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
When together the passion comes to the forefront and you get lost in each other, but it doesn’t cross the line.
I’m single but find it very easy to keep things NSA, I’m not here looking for a relationship. I also understand that things can change and develop naturally, but I believe I’m close enough to my friends that if either or us found ourselves developing different feelings, we would be honest and say so, indeed the same applies if one decided not to meet each other again.
I’m lucky, I’m still in touch with nearly everyone I’ve met (even if it was just the once) and we continue to chat and wish each other well in our pursuits | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging
Im definitely not but I never claimed to be. I googled bi curious one day and this came up. I joined, met a few women, a couple of men and enjoy the forums so decided to stay
Me neither as I said above I wanted NSA sex not a relationship but Swing came along and that was that. ***There’s a place for everyone on the site it’s just a case of meeting those that are right for your mindset.*** I wanted an emotional connection without the relationship, I found it with ease by being honest about what I wanted. An element of trust was needed although having an excellent bat shit crazy detector helped. Swing was a happy accident that started from nothing, I’ll always have the forum to thank for that "There's no place for honesty, trust or love on here! *shakes head in disgust* *** | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging
Im definitely not but I never claimed to be. I googled bi curious one day and this came up. I joined, met a few women, a couple of men and enjoy the forums so decided to stay
Me neither as I said above I wanted NSA sex not a relationship but Swing came along and that was that. ***There’s a place for everyone on the site it’s just a case of meeting those that are right for your mindset.*** I wanted an emotional connection without the relationship, I found it with ease by being honest about what I wanted. An element of trust was needed although having an excellent bat shit crazy detector helped. Swing was a happy accident that started from nothing, I’ll always have the forum to thank for that
There's no place for honesty, trust or love on here! *shakes head in disgust*
*** "*flounces out of the door slamming it behind me* | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" "You can't control your feelings, but you can control behaviour." THIS is the most important thing for me. Personally I like to distinguish between envy and jealousy though as I think one is more often harmless. I am envious of my partner's other partner for how well she bruises from impact play compared to me. However I am not jealous. I do not resent her for what she has or fear she will take our partner away because she bruises better. I'm happy for her when she shows off her marks, I just wish I got bruises like that too sometimes ."I think that is a good and key distinction to make - because they are two very different things - and can have two very different impacts but are often confused. There's nothing wrong, if it's kept in check, with being envious in a wistful "wish it was me" kind of way and in some ways that adds a level of strength - whereas jealousy, and through that possessiveness, can be an ugly thing. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I think it depends on a lot of things for me. Sometimes I'm completely and utterly detached, I just move on. Physically it was good (or not), end of story. It can be more complicated for me when I develop friendship. I've never let it go further than that, but the shades of grey at the edges can be dangerous. You have to be really clear with each other about expectations and work out how upfront other people are willing to be with you. People read things in that aren't there (it's a risk I'm aware of myself) or sometimes even manipulate. I've made mistakes, I keep learning, but I know that mistakes are part of the learning process. I just try to minimise fallout/ drama when it happens. " This really hits home. Many aren’t prepared to have that upfront and transparent though. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
" "You can't control your feelings, but you can control behaviour." THIS is the most important thing for me. Personally I like to distinguish between envy and jealousy though as I think one is more often harmless. I am envious of my partner's other partner for how well she bruises from impact play compared to me. However I am not jealous. I do not resent her for what she has or fear she will take our partner away because she bruises better. I'm happy for her when she shows off her marks, I just wish I got bruises like that too sometimes .
I think that is a good and key distinction to make - because they are two very different things - and can have two very different impacts but are often confused.
There's nothing wrong, if it's kept in check, with being envious in a wistful "wish it was me" kind of way and in some ways that adds a level of strength - whereas jealousy, and through that possessiveness, can be an ugly thing." | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
But...
I have read some of the comments on the thread and I'm really interested in how others deal with their feelings for other fabbers. I don't know what is right or wrong, because this is a completely new experience for us.
So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.
Thank you for sharing.
Jo.Xx
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...
But...
I have read some of the comments on the thread and I'm really interested in how others deal with their feelings for other fabbers. I don't know what is right or wrong, because this is a completely new experience for us.
So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.
Thank you for sharing.
Jo.Xx
"The depth of feelings that are natural vary from person to person, quite similarly to loving someone and having love for them. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...
But...
I have read some of the comments on the thread and I'm really interested in how others deal with their feelings for other fabbers. I don't know what is right or wrong, because this is a completely new experience for us.
So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.
Thank you for sharing.
Jo.Xx
The depth of feelings that are natural vary from person to person, quite similarly to loving someone and having love for them."Indeed, we're all individuals and no one experience is the same. But it does help to have an understanding of how others react to a similar situation. Jo.Xx | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I can't do Nsa ,I need an attraction and I certainly can't share I'm honest and upfront about this though I don't get jealous I just move on I guess I'm a non swinger on a mostly swingers site " Surely NSA is about attraction. NSA can go on for as long as both parties wish for it to go on. NSA is about honesty too. Or am I getting this NSA lark all wrong  | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...
But...
I have read some of the comments on the thread and I'm really interested in how others deal with their feelings for other fabbers. I don't know what is right or wrong, because this is a completely new experience for us.
So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.
Thank you for sharing.
Jo.Xx
The depth of feelings that are natural vary from person to person, quite similarly to loving someone and having love for them.
Indeed, we're all individuals and no one experience is the same. But it does help to have an understanding of how others react to a similar situation.
Jo.Xx "Yes do your due diligence before you go breaking hearts Jo | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...
But...
I have read some of the comments on the thread and I'm really interested in how others deal with their feelings for other fabbers. I don't know what is right or wrong, because this is a completely new experience for us.
So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.
Thank you for sharing.
Jo.Xx
"Firstly what is or isn't a swinger isn't defined and anyone that tries to say otherwise is wrong in my opinion - the only real definition is your own. However the point of the OP was all encompassing however you define your presence and use of the site. I also don't think there's a right or wrong when it comes to dealing with feelings - only what works for a given "relationship" and individual. For some allowing feelings to creep in is fine and can lead in different directions, for others feelings are a definite no no - as this thread has shown. The key is that all concerned are on the same page and that, where appropriate, any feelings don't manifest themselves in a negative way, such as jealousy or possessiveness. If those negative things are kept in check and everyone knows where they stand there's nothing wrong with emotions (or as Chillout said earlier "affections") coming into it in my opinion. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Interesting topic OP and having read through all the different thoughts. It proves how different we all are dealing with meets and emotions For me it’s very simple, if I’m going to have sex with someone there has to be an attraction and that is normally built through talking with them and building that connection. That continues up to, during and after the meet. Through those conversations you can gauge how NSA someone is likely to be. I don’t hide the fact that even though I’m talking to/meeting with them, I will also be talking and meeting with others. Their response is a good filter. I don’t do jealousy or possessiveness and the alarm bells start ringing if I get a hint of that from anyone and I will walk away. I won’t get involved in what I see as school yard or mind games. When I’m with a meet, it is 100% just me and them enjoying the moment, outside life doesn’t intrude until we return to it. Of course I have feelings for the individuals I meet, but they are limited to any feelings you would develop for a friend as a normal friendship develops, ie you can care about them and their well-being and and even grow to love some as friends. We can talk honestly about everyday life, as well as flirt, with neither reading anymore in to it..... FAF ?
When together the passion comes to the forefront and you get lost in each other, but it doesn’t cross the line.
I’m single but find it very easy to keep things NSA, I’m not here looking for a relationship. I also understand that things can change and develop naturally, but I believe I’m close enough to my friends that if either or us found ourselves developing different feelings, we would be honest and say so, indeed the same applies if one decided not to meet each other again.
I’m lucky, I’m still in touch with nearly everyone I’ve met (even if it was just the once) and we continue to chat and wish each other well in our pursuits "The perfect way to look at it and deal with it and it's definitely possible when you get two people of a similar mindset that find each other and, for me anyway, is where the joy of the site and the "lifestyle" comes to the fore. That sense of togetherness and freedom to explore, knowing that when you step away from the bubble, pod, space you do so with a smile and a wink and go your separate ways until the next time is a wonderful one when it works. Add to that the ability to wish each other well (and mean it) if you know they're meeting someone else and you've cracked it. It's when the petty jealousies and sniping, and as you say school yard behaviours and mind games creep in (usually from others who *think* they know better or *think* they know what is going on) that it gets tedious but then frankly that is their problem to deal with
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"If I play with someone at a party I have no problem keeping it NSA and I don’t care who else they play with or if I ever see them again. I find it easy to be very detached about it. The downside to that is that I’ve found I rarely have good sex with someone I’ve just met in a club/party. Whilst I know what I’m attracted to physically it’s not usually enough to really turn me on without there being some kind of connection, which is rarely instant for me. I take a bit of time to warm up, so it’s tempting to want to arrange private meets and get to know someone better. But I don’t do that, because I’ve learnt that I have to be careful with my boundaries. If I stray past club sex then I run the risk of not being able to keep it NSA in my mind. So I don’t invite people to my house, no sleep overs, dates, dinner. That’s all muddy water for me. I sometimes wish that I wasn’t like that, and that I could be colder, I think it’d be easier on my heart. But I can’t, so figuring out my boundaries has helped hugely. I know myself a lot better since I’ve been on Fab." And that really is the key - finding what works for you, the individual, and keeps you grounded - can totally relate to the difference between club/party meets and one to one Fab meets too and there is definitely a lot more separation with the former, although for my part whilst I found them a good "quick fix" they left me wanting something "more" too - which is why my meets these days tend to be more in line with my bubble analogy | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Sadly I'm a mere human my emotions have never been detachable, they are as much part of me as my arms and legs. Sometimes I control them better than others, but that's just life, isnt it?" And it's very rare that emotions are completely detachable, as you say it's human nature and non-emotive sex goes against the "norm" to an extent - the key is how you deal with and control those emotions. I'm not without emotion at all, but I do like Chillout's use of "affection" to describe how you can safely have feelings for someone in this environment | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"It's when the petty jealousies and sniping, and as you say school yard behaviours and mind games creep in (usually from others who *think* they know better or *think* they know what is going on) that it gets tedious but then frankly that is their problem to deal with
"I agree that it is their problem, but it's the people that their pretty behaviour is aimed at that have to deal with their actions. For stronger willed people it can be as simple as block and move on, but even then it can instigate a change in behaviour such as no longer displaying their verifications to prevent it from happening again. For more sensitive people it can mean a knock to their confidence, or something as drastic as a decision to not meet anymore or to leave the site. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"It's when the petty jealousies and sniping, and as you say school yard behaviours and mind games creep in (usually from others who *think* they know better or *think* they know what is going on) that it gets tedious but then frankly that is their problem to deal with
I agree that it is their problem, but it's the people that their pretty behaviour is aimed at that have to deal with their actions. For stronger willed people it can be as simple as block and move on, but even then it can instigate a change in behaviour such as no longer displaying their verifications to prevent it from happening again. For more sensitive people it can mean a knock to their confidence, or something as drastic as a decision to not meet anymore or to leave the site. "Exactly and when any of the latter happens it's of course not only sad, but wrong too - as is often said for a so called liberated and open minded lifestyle it can be very vindictive at times and I personally find that very sad indeed. And have heard too many stories along those lines to know it goes on in certain quarters. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"If I play with someone at a party I have no problem keeping it NSA and I don’t care who else they play with or if I ever see them again. I find it easy to be very detached about it. The downside to that is that I’ve found I rarely have good sex with someone I’ve just met in a club/party. Whilst I know what I’m attracted to physically it’s not usually enough to really turn me on without there being some kind of connection, which is rarely instant for me. I take a bit of time to warm up, so it’s tempting to want to arrange private meets and get to know someone better. But I don’t do that, because I’ve learnt that I have to be careful with my boundaries. If I stray past club sex then I run the risk of not being able to keep it NSA in my mind. So I don’t invite people to my house, no sleep overs, dates, dinner. That’s all muddy water for me. I sometimes wish that I wasn’t like that, and that I could be colder, I think it’d be easier on my heart. But I can’t, so figuring out my boundaries has helped hugely. I know myself a lot better since I’ve been on Fab. And that really is the key - finding what works for you, the individual, and keeps you grounded - can totally relate to the difference between club/party meets and one to one Fab meets too and there is definitely a lot more separation with the former, although for my part whilst I found them a good "quick fix" they left me wanting something "more" too - which is why my meets these days tend to be more in line with my bubble analogy" When I first came into Fab I had no idea that I’d need to be so careful with my boundaries. Having had FWB arrangements and other casual sex in the past I thought I was well equipped to deal with it. Then I met someone and before I knew it I was way past the NSA line without even realising it had happened. I still see him, we do all the things that I don’t do with anyone else and just deal with the emotional consequences. I’m probably over cautious with my boundaries with others as a result. But it works. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"When I first came into Fab I had no idea that I’d need to be so careful with my boundaries. Having had FWB arrangements and other casual sex in the past I thought I was well equipped to deal with it. Then I met someone and before I knew it I was way past the NSA line without even realising it had happened. I still see him, we do all the things that I don’t do with anyone else and just deal with the emotional consequences. I’m probably over cautious with my boundaries with others as a result. But it works. " That's the thing though you can't necessarily countenance against getting the "feels" and they can creep up on you unawares when you least expect them to - the key is how you deal with them when they do. And there is of course nothing wrong with embracing them completely if you are both in agreement and a position to do so - as has been shown on this thread it's also possible to hold an "affection" for someone that goes beyond pure NSA and yet not let emotions override that and translate into petty jealousies and possessiveness - but that will always take open and honest two way communication to achieve. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
 | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating! "Perfect solution! | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!
Perfect solution! "100% though sadly it’s meant saying no to a few outstanding men  | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating! "Hm... I go for the same type of guy both in and outside the scene, but then I trust myself to blur the lines. I have made some friends through the scene, and they are my real friends now. Jealousy? It happens. The brain is always switched on though. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating! "I think a lot of people already do that | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!
I think a lot of people already do that "I’m not surprised it’s a great way to stop those blurred lines | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!
I think a lot of people already do that
I’m not surprised it’s a great way to stop those blurred lines "And yet blurry can be so enticing... | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I like to think as people we meet through swinging as 'friends'. We have lots of friends in fab land and 'real world' : Think about real world friends - you might go for drinks with some, or meals with others. You are just totally enjoying that moment in time. Friends could be in other countries or different cities. Do you ever stop to worry about what they are doing 24/7? And who with. In FABLAND, it is similar. When you meet up it is about 100% in that moment as friends doing what you enjoy doing as friends in this world. I would hope that people we meet leave our company feeling like friends who would join us again. Being with other people in between just makes them appreciate our bond even more when we pick up where we left off. Life is too short for jealousy and worry. What eats one person's soul feeds another's. Happy Friend Fabbing! " I think that's a really good way to look at it - hadn't thought of it that way before but the "real world friends" analogy is spot on | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| Post new Message to Thread |
| back to top |  |
