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Supporting People With Anxiety

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By *eefyBanger OP   Man
over a year ago

edinburgh

Hi, just wondering if I can be serious for a bit and if anyone can spare a few seconds and give me some advice?

Recently, for the second time in my life someone has cut all contact with me due to them having anxiety problems as I’ve been very overbearing trying to reassure them etc. Looking back, without realising I was very overbearing but done it for what I thought was the right reasons as I wanted them to feel they weren’t alone etc. These people were both receiving extra medical care ie. one attending meetings and the other medication, they were maybe even both receiving both

This is the second time this has happened and I openly admit I was very overbearing towards both of them but it was probably a subconscious action, especially the second time and I really meant well. I only look back at the contrast in both friendships and banter between these instances before and after they both opened up to me to see how I changed towards them

Having known people who have committed suicide with mental health and seen the after effects first hand it really upsets me that my actions have made another persons mental health issues escalate resulting in them not being able to keep contact with me

I don’t need any lectures or anyone on their high horse about my wrongdoings as I now know I’ve done wrong albeit not on purpose. Constructive criticism only please

What I’d like to ask from Fab incase someone else enters my life or someone already in it opens up to me with anxiety or something similar is how best to deal with other people’s anxiety? Is it best just to give a wee “I’m here anytime” or simply don’t bring it up? I said a few times to both that I won’t bring it up but I’m always here but subconsciously I was trying too hard to support them and both said I was too full on etc. It’s obvious I don’t know how to deal with this because I’m always told I’m very laid back and only twice been told I’m too full on

I’m guessing it varies from person to person but any feedback will be greatly welcomed as I can’t bare the fact I have made two people’s lives uncomfortable

Thanks, Beefy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think sometimes with anxiety feeling pressured or unable to answer because you’re frozen, someone who expects an answer can be one more way you feel that you’re failing.

I’d say the best thing is to send intermittent messages saying you’re there and no answer is needed. Depending on your relationship you may be able to offer specific things like rides, errands, child care. Most importantly sometimes is knowing that you understand and whatever they give is cool but you don’t expect a thing, not even a text if they’re needing to hide. I sometimes send friends just an emoji heart or kisses and they know I am there and not expecting anything just reminding them that they’re loved. It is hard and it’s lovely you want to be a better support in future. - Mrs

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

ask the person how you can best support them then tell them you are always there if they need you.

How are your anxiety levels?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't go in asking questions, let them know if they want to talk you'll listen, but unless they ask for advice listening is exactly what you'll do.

They'll open up and talk if that's what they want. Nothing worse than having a small window of time where you don't feel like shit and someone poking the hornets nest and bringing it up. "Well I was feeling ok for a whole 30 mins and now you've just reminded me how wank my life is"

Support is good, yes, but smothering is way too much.

I know when I was unwell I needed to prove to myself I could do things for myself and be successfully independent to build my confidence. Having someone not let me do that because they were over helpful would have caused me to cut them off for my own recovery.

P

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By *eefyBanger OP   Man
over a year ago

edinburgh


"ask the person how you can best support them then tell them you are always there if they need you.

How are your anxiety levels?"

If I’m being completely honest coming up a fortnight I’ve not been myself but that’s due to the fact I started to recognise my behaviour was somewhat erratic. I can’t help but feel a bit down due to my OP. I know it will pass in a few more days

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By *uskymotoMan
over a year ago

Cumbria

Have a good read up on a few websites such as "mind" and "time to change".

As mental health is a spectrum condition you'll never completely understand the survivors thoughts, reactions and behaviour. If you know why they have problems (medical or trauma based) then it'll help you offer support without placing a burden on them.

I fell in love with a survivor and it's hard work. If you're wondering why they're called survivors, get reading.

Good luck, it's not easy.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"ask the person how you can best support them then tell them you are always there if they need you.

How are your anxiety levels?

If I’m being completely honest coming up a fortnight I’ve not been myself but that’s due to the fact I started to recognise my behaviour was somewhat erratic. I can’t help but feel a bit down due to my OP. I know it will pass in a few more days"

maybe take a bit of time to care for yourself and don't worry too much about how your behaviour has affected others for the moment.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love a girl with life long depression. It's hard but the gains are worth it for us both. Ml

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By *eefyBanger OP   Man
over a year ago

edinburgh


"maybe take a bit of time to care for yourself and don't worry too much about how your behaviour has affected others for the moment."

As weird as it may sound, I have no idea how to care for myself. I’ve always been the sort of strong person even when I have been pissed off at the world who likes to be their for people

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By *imited 3EditionCouple
over a year ago

Live in Scotland Play in England

Don't be so hard on yourself. You clearly had the best of intentions. Do you think you maybe need some support to deal with the loss of the ones who committed suicide? It's unstandable that those experiences would make you hyper aware and worried about anyone else who seems to be suffering from anxiety. Have you thought about trying CBT? There are some online resources you could try x

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By *ficouldMan
over a year ago

a quandary, could you change my mind?

Everyone is so very different in what they want or need when receiving support. Some wouldn't be able to articulate what they need as they are possibly unsure themselves.

Sometimes it's the unspoken words that mean the most.

Sometimes just a hug can be all that is required.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes it's all about being a keeper of safe space. Don't overdo it. Ask what is needed.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"maybe take a bit of time to care for yourself and don't worry too much about how your behaviour has affected others for the moment.

As weird as it may sound, I have no idea how to care for myself. I’ve always been the sort of strong person even when I have been pissed off at the world who likes to be their for people"

Looking after yourself could start with realising that you can't be there for other people all the time.

You did your best for your friends.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've suffered from anxiety for years. I'm 40 now and have been on and off medication for it since I was 16.

The best thing that you can do is to just gently reassure the person suffering, and make sure they know that you're always there for them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People shouldn’t be judged by their need for therapy or medication

The worse thing anyone can do to me when I’ve struggled with anxiety is mention it. That would have me running for the hills

I’d rather have time and space to deal with things myself in my own way than have someone else think they know what’s best for me.

Everyone is different but a friend keeping a passive eye on me would be far better than some of the suggestions made.

Many of my friends struggle with depression and anxiety, they know that if they want someone to talk to I am always there for them - I leave it to them to come to me and they do - I don’t ever raise things with them as not everyone appreciates intervention especially from someone who either doesn’t understand (everyone’s situation and thoughts are unique) or mishandles the situation and makes everything a whole lot worse!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I’d rather have time and space to deal with things myself in my own way than have someone else think they know what’s best for me.

Everyone is different but a friend keeping a passive eye on me would be far better than some of the suggestions made.

Many of my friends struggle with depression and anxiety, they know that if they want someone to talk to I am always there for them - I leave it to them to come to me and they do - I don’t ever raise things with them as not everyone appreciates intervention especially from someone who either doesn’t understand (everyone’s situation and thoughts are unique) or mishandles the situation and makes everything a whole lot worse!"

I like your approach.

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By *eefyBanger OP   Man
over a year ago

edinburgh

Thanks for replies. It’s something I not only want, but need to get sorted out as I can’t deal with the fact I’m pushing people away purely because my intentions are to be too nice and supportive when they are having an episode

I can easily cut people out of my life but it seems when I know someone isn’t having a great time I go way overboard in trying my best to be the best a friend I can be and i don’t know if it scares them or whatever but it certainly pushes them away

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By *andyladMan
over a year ago

Hereorthere

I've suffered sometimes sympathy isn't required just straight talk works with me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suffer with anxiety sometimes and when talking to my friends about it I ask them to just act normally, when they change around me it makes my anxiety a lot worse (my form is social anxiety). Tell them them you are there for them if they want to talk and ask them what they need from you. If they say nothing then do that, just carry on as normal but sometimes a check up with them is good. Like every once in a while ask how they are and if they need anything.

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