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"Morning *rubs eyes* What's pickling your brain today? Need valuable life changing decision making advice? Got an itch you can't scratch and want to find the answers? Well, here's your chance to get your shit together. Tell me your troubles...." Ooh yay! Morning Auntie P 
I really really want to go and have sex with lots of men, but I'm bloody knackered between work and running around after the kids. How can I improve the situation?
Yours in anticipation,
Mrs TMN x | |||
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" Ooh yay! Morning Auntie P
I really really want to go and have sex with lots of men, but I'm bloody knackered between work and running around after the kids. How can I improve the situation?
Yours in anticipation,
Mrs TMN x "Easy peasy lemon squeezy! Step 1) locate doppelganger to attend work for you, tell them you have magic beans for them and they'll receive them once the task is complete. If you can't find a doppelganger find one slightly similar and put a sign round their neck saying "steer clear - I have mumps" Step 2) You send the kids on a mammoth treasure hunt far far away. It doesn't have an end though, the last clue takes them back to the start where they'll find a mobile phone to call you and tell you they're on their way home giving you plenty of warning. They get to choose a pizza for tea as their reward. Step 3) mumps face and kids taken care of = lie back and open wide baby, you got a penis train a-cumming in your direction! Choo-choooooooo | |||
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"Hi Aunty P. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, how do I go about getting my positivity back?" Get back in the cunt and roll back out the other side. | |||
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"Why can't I resist these bacon and mushroom sandwiches on seeded bread with French mustard?" Oh sweet jesus you've fallen foul of the F&B curse. There is only one answer. Find a new man crush. Not a Danish fella as that will make your bacon fetish worse. Or steal a cow. | |||
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" Ooh yay! Morning Auntie P
I really really want to go and have sex with lots of men, but I'm bloody knackered between work and running around after the kids. How can I improve the situation?
Yours in anticipation,
Mrs TMN x
Easy peasy lemon squeezy!
Step 1) locate doppelganger to attend work for you, tell them you have magic beans for them and they'll receive them once the task is complete. If you can't find a doppelganger find one slightly similar and put a sign round their neck saying "steer clear - I have mumps"
Step 2) You send the kids on a mammoth treasure hunt far far away. It doesn't have an end though, the last clue takes them back to the start where they'll find a mobile phone to call you and tell you they're on their way home giving you plenty of warning. They get to choose a pizza for tea as their reward.
Step 3) mumps face and kids taken care of = lie back and open wide baby, you got a penis train a-cumming in your direction! Choo-choooooooo "Oh I wish I could do research on your brain , you're just fucking loopy  | |||
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"Oh Auntie P my brain is so pickled it's been stuck in a jar and Tesco have put it in their "Value" range - question is do I buy more than one for the extra Clubcard points? "Fuck me sideways and call me Fred! You're sitting on a gold mine dear one..... remake of the man with 2 brains. Dr Hfuhruhurr | |||
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"Oh Auntie P my brain is so pickled it's been stuck in a jar and Tesco have put it in their "Value" range - question is do I buy more than one for the extra Clubcard points?
Fuck me sideways and call me Fred! You're sitting on a gold mine dear one..... remake of the man with 2 brains.
Dr Hfuhruhurr "
Ooohh good point - although I fear The Jerk may be more appropriate | |||
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"O auntie P thank god your back I’ve just tried in my latex mini and after much huffing and puffing I finally got it over my head. I write now one hand caught in the suspended straps. I need help what can I do to make this journey easier. Should I continue to try and get it on fully or just throw caution to the wind and go out showing my crotch less arse to the public "You give yourself a slap up the chops with your free hand. What fool attempts latex in such sticky, muggy weather. Caution to the wind - first person to see you can help you out of it. "Thank God you found me" you cry "they tried to k*dnap me but I fought them off with my strong hand" Crisis averted | |||
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"Oh Auntie P my brain is so pickled it's been stuck in a jar and Tesco have put it in their "Value" range - question is do I buy more than one for the extra Clubcard points?
Fuck me sideways and call me Fred! You're sitting on a gold mine dear one..... remake of the man with 2 brains.
Dr Hfuhruhurr
Ooohh good point - although I fear The Jerk may be more appropriate "Only if it's a clean snatch | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Just a quickie; I’ve got a patient here on the table in the operating theatre who was scheduled for an appendectomy. Unfortunately, as I was attempting to multitask the said operation whilst ogling at boobies on here, I have inadvertently managed to remove the patients spleen however. My question is: How can I prevent them from suing me for gross malpractice when the anaesthetic wears off? " Stab the anaesthetist with memory loss injection, then keep the patient under for the foreseeable whilst you make your sharp exit to Mexico where your new life as Josè begins | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Just a quickie; I’ve got a patient here on the table in the operating theatre who was scheduled for an appendectomy. Unfortunately, as I was attempting to multitask the said operation whilst ogling at boobies on here, I have inadvertently managed to remove the patients spleen however. My question is: How can I prevent them from suing me for gross malpractice when the anaesthetic wears off? Stab the anaesthetist with memory loss injection, then keep the patient under for the foreseeable whilst you make your sharp exit to Mexico where your new life as Josè begins " Thank you Auntie P - I’m packing my suitcase as I type this! I’ll send you a postcard under my new guise when I arrive.
‘Ándale, Ándale!’ | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Just a quickie; I’ve got a patient here on the table in the operating theatre who was scheduled for an appendectomy. Unfortunately, as I was attempting to multitask the said operation whilst ogling at boobies on here, I have inadvertently managed to remove the patients spleen however. My question is: How can I prevent them from suing me for gross malpractice when the anaesthetic wears off? Stab the anaesthetist with memory loss injection, then keep the patient under for the foreseeable whilst you make your sharp exit to Mexico where your new life as Josè begins Thank you Auntie P - I’m packing my suitcase as I type this! I’ll send you a postcard under my new guise when I arrive.
‘Ándale, Ándale!’ "Your surname must NOT be Mourinho | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I feel people don't take me seriously....apparently I always turn everything into a sexual/rude/dirty innuendo....is there really a problem with me on a psychological level....is there any hope for me.... "Song writer. Sexual healing - Marvin Gaye Innuendo - Queen Talk dirty to me - Poison Rude mood - Stevie Ray Vaughan Use your smut for the greater good. | |||
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"Morning *rubs eyes* What's pickling your brain today? Need valuable life changing decision making advice? Got an itch you can't scratch and want to find the answers? Where are my car keys? Well, here's your chance to get your shit together. Tell me your troubles...." | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I feel people don't take me seriously....apparently I always turn everything into a sexual/rude/dirty innuendo....is there really a problem with me on a psychological level....is there any hope for me.... "You get 2 replies for the price of one for that problem as Auntie P had to very quickly type your advice as she had to attend to serious business right now (at least that's what she said when she disappeared into the khazi nearly quarter of an hour ago carrying a dog-eared copy of Razzle. However I, Uncle B, am her temp cover (can never get a decent temp on such short notice) Good news my friend, it is not you that has the problem. Indeed it is the surrounding members of the public you encounter in day to day life, for in my humble opinion people who constantly turn an everyday conversation effortlessly into a barrage of smut are worth their weight in gold, for they make life far more entertaining. Consequently there is plenty of hope, simply move to an area featured in any one of the Carry On Films (known for there factual resemblance to real life) and enquire if there are any new series's of Eurotrash in the pipeline as someone with your skillset should be snapped up right away!
Ooh, she's just emerged from said bog looking rather flustered, must be that damn extractor jamming again...
Much love, Uncle B | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I feel people don't take me seriously....apparently I always turn everything into a sexual/rude/dirty innuendo....is there really a problem with me on a psychological level....is there any hope for me....
You get 2 replies for the price of one for that problem as Auntie P had to very quickly type your advice as she had to attend to serious business right now (at least that's what she said when she disappeared into the khazi nearly quarter of an hour ago carrying a dog-eared copy of Razzle. However I, Uncle B, am her temp cover (can never get a decent temp on such short notice)
Good news my friend, it is not you that has the problem. Indeed it is the surrounding members of the public you encounter in day to day life, for in my humble opinion people who constantly turn an everyday conversation effortlessly into a barrage of smut are worth their weight in gold, for they make life far more entertaining.
Consequently there is plenty of hope, simply move to an area featured in any one of the Carry On Films (known for there factual resemblance to real life) and enquire if there are any new series's of Eurotrash in the pipeline as someone with your skillset should be snapped up right away!
Ooh, she's just emerged from said bog looking rather flustered, must be that damn extractor jamming again...
Much love, Uncle B"Now I get it , you're both as nuts as each other , a match made in heaven  | |||
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" Song writer. Sexual healing - Marvin Gaye Innuendo - Queen Talk dirty to me - Poison Rude mood - Stevie Ray Vaughan Use your smut for the greater good." ....have I sent you my sex play list before Aunty P....    | |||
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" Ooh, she's just emerged from said bog looking rather flustered, must be that damn extractor jamming again...
Much love, Uncle B"cheers Uncle B.....I do have a rather good reach accent up my sleeve....not to mention enjoying a nice French tickler.....
eurotrash 2.0, here I come.... | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I feel people don't take me seriously....apparently I always turn everything into a sexual/rude/dirty innuendo....is there really a problem with me on a psychological level....is there any hope for me....
You get 2 replies for the price of one for that problem as Auntie P had to very quickly type your advice as she had to attend to serious business right now (at least that's what she said when she disappeared into the khazi nearly quarter of an hour ago carrying a dog-eared copy of Razzle. However I, Uncle B, am her temp cover (can never get a decent temp on such short notice)
Good news my friend, it is not you that has the problem. Indeed it is the surrounding members of the public you encounter in day to day life, for in my humble opinion people who constantly turn an everyday conversation effortlessly into a barrage of smut are worth their weight in gold, for they make life far more entertaining.
Consequently there is plenty of hope, simply move to an area featured in any one of the Carry On Films (known for there factual resemblance to real life) and enquire if there are any new series's of Eurotrash in the pipeline as someone with your skillset should be snapped up right away!
Ooh, she's just emerged from said bog looking rather flustered, must be that damn extractor jamming again...
Much love, Uncle B Now I get it , you're both as nuts as each other , a match made in heaven "He was sane a year ago.
P | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I feel people don't take me seriously....apparently I always turn everything into a sexual/rude/dirty innuendo....is there really a problem with me on a psychological level....is there any hope for me....
You get 2 replies for the price of one for that problem as Auntie P had to very quickly type your advice as she had to attend to serious business right now (at least that's what she said when she disappeared into the khazi nearly quarter of an hour ago carrying a dog-eared copy of Razzle. However I, Uncle B, am her temp cover (can never get a decent temp on such short notice)
Good news my friend, it is not you that has the problem. Indeed it is the surrounding members of the public you encounter in day to day life, for in my humble opinion people who constantly turn an everyday conversation effortlessly into a barrage of smut are worth their weight in gold, for they make life far more entertaining.
Consequently there is plenty of hope, simply move to an area featured in any one of the Carry On Films (known for there factual resemblance to real life) and enquire if there are any new series's of Eurotrash in the pipeline as someone with your skillset should be snapped up right away!
Ooh, she's just emerged from said bog looking rather flustered, must be that damn extractor jamming again...
Much love, Uncle B Now I get it , you're both as nuts as each other , a match made in heaven
He was sane a year ago.
P" | |||
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" Song writer. Sexual healing - Marvin Gaye Innuendo - Queen Talk dirty to me - Poison Rude mood - Stevie Ray Vaughan Use your smut for the greater good. ....have I sent you my sex play list before Aunty P.... "I already knew it.... I read minds. Right now you're thinking "bullshit, mind reading isn't real" P | |||
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" I already knew it.... I read minds. Right now you're thinking "bullshit, mind reading isn't real" P" ....that and....if she can read my thoughts...I hope Aunty P doesn't post my secret fetish for bed wetting, whilst listing to Chaz & Dave on repeat.... | |||
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" I already knew it.... I read minds. Right now you're thinking "bullshit, mind reading isn't real" P ....that and....if she can read my thoughts...I hope Aunty P doesn't post my secret fetish for bed wetting, whilst listing to Chaz & Dave on repeat.... "One word..... rabbit. | |||
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"Hahahahahaha!!! Jesus! This is what I come here for, my god I’m crying here.. you my dear are legendary "Twirls and courtseys whilst whispering... "I know" | |||
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" One word..... rabbit." Shit a Fucking Brick....
.....bursts in to song....I'm a Believer... | |||
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" One word..... rabbit. Shit a Fucking Brick....
.....bursts in to song....I'm a Believer... "Not a trace of doubt in your mind. *nods knowingly* | |||
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"Auntie P. Sometimes I like to tuck my penis between my thighs and pretend I have a vagina . Do I have a problem ??" Hell no, Silence of the Lambs reenactments are encouraged. "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me' In other news I saw a video the other day of a tampon being removed from a fanjo, followed by a schlong and balls. Now THAT is tucking it in! Pushed it all right up. My mind still hasn't computed properly | |||
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"Auntie P. Sometimes I like to tuck my penis between my thighs and pretend I have a vagina . Do I have a problem ?? Hell no, Silence of the Lambs reenactments are encouraged. "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me' In other news I saw a video the other day of a tampon being removed from a fanjo, followed by a schlong and balls. Now THAT is tucking it in! Pushed it all right up. My mind still hasn't computed properly " Phew | |||
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"Auntie P. Does Mike Waszowski from Monsters Inc. Blink or wink if he shuts his eye?" What you don't see is his japseye does it at the exact same time so it's definitely a blink. | |||
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"Auntie P. Does Mike Waszowski from Monsters Inc. Blink or wink if he shuts his eye? What you don't see is his japseye does it at the exact same time so it's definitely a blink."  | |||
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"Auntie P. Does a straw have one hole or 2?" It's one big hole wrapped in plastic/paper/spaghetti *delete as appropriate* | |||
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"Auntie P. If a gorilla shot an alligator with an AR-15 to save a Muslim child while the transgender parent was in the bathroom, how would social media react?" Meme heaven. All out meme warfare with people pretending to be offended coz they're too scared to laugh in public view whilst sniggering like a fucking hissing snake out of sight. In all honesty though, I think they'd all be more shocked that the transgender parent hasn't been stoned to death than the sheer coincidence that there was a gorilla, alligator, muslim child and gun in the same place at the same time. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LAUGH AT MEMES PEOPLE - LIVE A LITTLE | |||
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"Auntie P. This one has been troubling me a little... If 2 people kiss is it just 2 arseholes connected by a long messy tube?" Try it, if it tastes like shit you have your answer | |||
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"Auntie P. If a gorilla shot an alligator with an AR-15 to save a Muslim child while the transgender parent was in the bathroom, how would social media react? Meme heaven. All out meme warfare with people pretending to be offended coz they're too scared to laugh in public view whilst sniggering like a fucking hissing snake out of sight. In all honesty though, I think they'd all be more shocked that the transgender parent hasn't been stoned to death than the sheer coincidence that there was a gorilla, alligator, muslim child and gun in the same place at the same time. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LAUGH AT MEMES PEOPLE - LIVE A LITTLE " Same question. Quantify the amount of outrage by daily mail readers using household appliances as a unit of measurement... | |||
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"Auntie P. If a gorilla shot an alligator with an AR-15 to save a Muslim child while the transgender parent was in the bathroom, how would social media react? Meme heaven. All out meme warfare with people pretending to be offended coz they're too scared to laugh in public view whilst sniggering like a fucking hissing snake out of sight. In all honesty though, I think they'd all be more shocked that the transgender parent hasn't been stoned to death than the sheer coincidence that there was a gorilla, alligator, muslim child and gun in the same place at the same time. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LAUGH AT MEMES PEOPLE - LIVE A LITTLE Same question. Quantify the amount of outrage by daily mail readers using household appliances as a unit of measurement... "Four score and seventy-twelve dishwashers high | |||
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" Ooh yay! Morning Auntie P
I really really want to go and have sex with lots of men, but I'm bloody knackered between work and running around after the kids. How can I improve the situation?
Yours in anticipation,
Mrs TMN x
Easy peasy lemon squeezy!
Step 1) locate doppelganger to attend work for you, tell them you have magic beans for them and they'll receive them once the task is complete. If you can't find a doppelganger find one slightly similar and put a sign round their neck saying "steer clear - I have mumps"
Step 2) You send the kids on a mammoth treasure hunt far far away. It doesn't have an end though, the last clue takes them back to the start where they'll find a mobile phone to call you and tell you they're on their way home giving you plenty of warning. They get to choose a pizza for tea as their reward.
Step 3) mumps face and kids taken care of = lie back and open wide baby, you got a penis train a-cumming in your direction! Choo-choooooooo "Choo fucking choooooo! Genius. Googling potential doppelgangers right now... X | |||
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"Morning *rubs eyes* What's pickling your brain today? Need valuable life changing decision making advice? Got an itch you can't scratch and want to find the answers? Well, here's your chance to get your shit together. Tell me your troubles...." I really want to fuck my friend...but I'm in the friend zone. How do I get out that zone and in her knickers???? | |||
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"Mrs TMN, has Thomas arrived at the station?" Sadly not yet, leaves on the line or some bollocks. | |||
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"Morning *rubs eyes* What's pickling your brain today? Need valuable life changing decision making advice? Got an itch you can't scratch and want to find the answers? Well, here's your chance to get your shit together. Tell me your troubles.... I really want to fuck my friend...but I'm in the friend zone. How do I get out that zone and in her knickers????" You say "Yo bitchfriend, wanna bang?" She'll either bang your cock with her tuna tunnel or bang your nose with her fist. Either way you'll be fucked | |||
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"Auntie P. If I add milk to a cereal, does that milk become a beverage, a broth or a sauce? " It becomes a fucking slop if you leave it too long | |||
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"Mrs TMN, has Thomas arrived at the station? Sadly not yet, leaves on the line or some bollocks. " Cocksucking cuntwaffles | |||
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"Mrs TMN, has Thomas arrived at the station? Sadly not yet, leaves on the line or some bollocks. Cocksucking cuntwaffles " That's what Thomas said but they edited it out! | |||
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"Auntie P. One that will help a lot of guys. If a woman replies to a message with OK or Fine (no smiley emojis) how far back through their message thread does a guy have to scroll to find out what he has done wrong? Can the answer be expressed in interpretive dance please?" T'will be the tango. Minus the passion. Just dirty looks and a molotov cocktail final step | |||
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"Auntie P. Is there any reason for man buns?" To grab with gusto and lead him to the throbbing poonani | |||
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"Mrs TMN, has Thomas arrived at the station? Sadly not yet, leaves on the line or some bollocks. Cocksucking cuntwaffles That's what Thomas said but they edited it out! " Bloody PC brigade | |||
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"Mrs TMN, has Thomas arrived at the station? Sadly not yet, leaves on the line or some bollocks. Cocksucking cuntwaffles That's what Thomas said but they edited it out! Bloody PC brigade " Playschool was all cocksucking cuntwaffles in my day. Never did me any harm. | |||
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"Morning *rubs eyes* What's pickling your brain today? Need valuable life changing decision making advice? Got an itch you can't scratch and want to find the answers? Well, here's your chance to get your shit together. Tell me your troubles.... I really want to fuck my friend...but I'm in the friend zone. How do I get out that zone and in her knickers???? You say "Yo bitchfriend, wanna bang?" She'll either bang your cock with her tuna tunnel or bang your nose with her fist. Either way you'll be fucked " Excellent...always been a fan of the rough stuff. | |||
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"Mrs TMN, has Thomas arrived at the station? Sadly not yet, leaves on the line or some bollocks. Cocksucking cuntwaffles That's what Thomas said but they edited it out! Bloody PC brigade Playschool was all cocksucking cuntwaffles in my day. Never did me any harm. " Exactly! look at you now, bukkake meet in the pipeline. I blame the revocation of free school milk | |||
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"Auntie P How do conjoined twins masturbate? What if one head is horny and the other isn't?" Now this depends on where they are conjoined and who has what. Did you see the ones that got married? They are head joined. | |||
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"Mrs TMN, has Thomas arrived at the station? Sadly not yet, leaves on the line or some bollocks. Cocksucking cuntwaffles That's what Thomas said but they edited it out! Bloody PC brigade Playschool was all cocksucking cuntwaffles in my day. Never did me any harm. Exactly! look at you now, bukkake meet in the pipeline. I blame the revocation of free school milk " Thatcher thatcher milk snatcher | |||
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"Auntie P, If you meet a vegan cross fitter, which do they talk about first?" I'd need to know what a cross fitter is to give the correct answer. I'll go will steal a cow. I'm a little obsessed with cow theft today | |||
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"Mrs TMN, has Thomas arrived at the station? Sadly not yet, leaves on the line or some bollocks. Cocksucking cuntwaffles That's what Thomas said but they edited it out! Bloody PC brigade Playschool was all cocksucking cuntwaffles in my day. Never did me any harm. Exactly! look at you now, bukkake meet in the pipeline. I blame the revocation of free school milk Thatcher thatcher milk snatcher" Libido snatcher too. Like a fun pump in reverse | |||
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"Auntie P. I accidentally said good morning to a stranger I see every day on my way to work. Should I now change my route or just quit my job?" Move country, it's the only way. There's a recent influx of Brits to Mexico, sure there's a bandwagon you can jump on. | |||
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"Auntie P. I accepted a lift 5 minutes ago, and just realised there is no haribo or internal handles in the back of this van. How can I persuade the driver to drop me off at the library? He appears to be deaf and mute as he isn't answering me..." Pretend you're at a sauna. Lay back and enjoy the ride coz it's about to get very hot in there | |||
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"Auntie P. Why do we kill people who kill people, to show that killing people is wrong?" Coz death by celery addiction doesn't have the same punch | |||
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"Auntie P Will Adam Sandler ever make a good movie again? They have all been shit since Waterboy.." Lies. 50 first dates is epic, go wash your mouth out with white dog poo and give me 100 hail legendary P's. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I keep trying to type my problem out but I keep getting distracted by your bloody avatar. Help! "Blindfold and braille Or put some blue tack over my betties. You'll only need a smidgen | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I keep trying to type my problem out but I keep getting distracted by your bloody avatar. Help!
Blindfold and braille
Or put some blue tack over my betties. You'll only need a smidgen "Whoops missed you’ve now got blue tac waffle | |||
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"Auntie P. Is there any reason for man buns? To grab with gusto and lead him to the throbbing poonani " I'm getting a man bun if that's what happens Aunty P.... | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I keep trying to type my problem out but I keep getting distracted by your bloody avatar. Help!
Blindfold and braille
Or put some blue tack over my betties. You'll only need a smidgen
Whoops missed you’ve now got blue tac waffle "Fuck sake, I only just got the last dose sorted. | |||
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"Auntie P. Is there any reason for man buns? To grab with gusto and lead him to the throbbing poonani I'm getting a man bun if that's what happens Aunty P.... "Even better when she wraps it round her hand and takes you to .... ahhh ohhhh... heaven | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I keep trying to type my problem out but I keep getting distracted by your bloody avatar. Help!
Blindfold and braille
Or put some blue tack over my betties. You'll only need a smidgen
Whoops missed you’ve now got blue tac waffle
Fuck sake, I only just got the last dose sorted.
"You told me to wear a blindfold - have you never played ‘pin the tail on the donkey’? | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I keep trying to type my problem out but I keep getting distracted by your bloody avatar. Help!
Blindfold and braille
Or put some blue tack over my betties. You'll only need a smidgen
Whoops missed you’ve now got blue tac waffle
Fuck sake, I only just got the last dose sorted.
You told me to wear a blindfold - have you never played ‘pin the tail on the donkey’?"I have, I had a donkey-tail penis for a week, I warned those I was playing with gorilla glue was a bad idea but did they listen? Helicoptering into work was exhilarating | |||
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"Auntie P Will Adam Sandler ever make a good movie again? They have all been shit since Waterboy.. Lies. 50 first dates is epic, go wash your mouth out with white dog poo and give me 100 hail legendary P's." Nope.. he is just rehashing old shit.. | |||
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"Auntie P Can we blame modern technology on the increase in crime? With the removal of phone boxes Superman has nowhere to change. "You can blame horse for that one not technology. Besides, supergran has been a lazy bitch this past decades she needs to up her game | |||
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"Auntie P Will Adam Sandler ever make a good movie again? They have all been shit since Waterboy.. Lies. 50 first dates is epic, go wash your mouth out with white dog poo and give me 100 hail legendary P's. Nope.. he is just rehashing old shit.. " Pffffffffffffft | |||
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"Auntie P Can we blame modern technology on the increase in crime? With the removal of phone boxes Superman has nowhere to change.
You can blame horse for that one not technology.
Besides, supergran has been a lazy bitch this past decades she needs to up her game "Lazy? She died 30 years ago.. | |||
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"Auntie P Can we blame modern technology on the increase in crime? With the removal of phone boxes Superman has nowhere to change.
You can blame horse for that one not technology.
Besides, supergran has been a lazy bitch this past decades she needs to up her game
Lazy? She died 30 years ago.."See! She went to sleep and couldn't be bothered to wake back up. Lazy. | |||
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"Why can't I resist these bacon and mushroom sandwiches on seeded bread with French mustard? Oh sweet jesus you've fallen foul of the F&B curse. There is only one answer. Find a new man crush. Not a Danish fella as that will make your bacon fetish worse. Or steal a cow." Where the fuck am I going to keep this cow? | |||
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"Why can't I resist these bacon and mushroom sandwiches on seeded bread with French mustard? Oh sweet jesus you've fallen foul of the F&B curse. There is only one answer. Find a new man crush. Not a Danish fella as that will make your bacon fetish worse. Or steal a cow. Where the fuck am I going to keep this cow?"
Petting zoo in the garden. Bitches love animal lovers. | |||
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" Even better when she wraps it round her hand and takes you to .... ahhh ohhhh... heaven ".....slips off to the works toilet....time to empty the sack.... | |||
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" Even better when she wraps it round her hand and takes you to .... ahhh ohhhh... heaven
.....slips off to the works toilet....time to empty the sack.... "Santa Claus in August, your secret is safe with us | |||
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"Auntie P, I love your sage advice.... But it troubles me that I fear not all people believe the remedies you offer.... How do we deal with these non believers??? "We let nature do it's thing... those recent earthquakes had nothing to do with fracking, I caused them...they too were non believers. | |||
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"Auntie P. I have just borrowed a DVD. Latex soccer moms do anal 3. Do I need to watch episodes 1 and 2 first or will I be ok? I wouldn't want to miss any pertinent plot points." You have a DVD player? Dear god child, what's next, Sony Walkman and orange sponge headphones? | |||
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"Auntie P. I have just borrowed a DVD. Latex soccer moms do anal 3. Do I need to watch episodes 1 and 2 first or will I be ok? I wouldn't want to miss any pertinent plot points. You have a DVD player? Dear god child, what's next, Sony Walkman and orange sponge headphones?" I have a PS4.. | |||
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"Auntie P. I have just borrowed a DVD. Latex soccer moms do anal 3. Do I need to watch episodes 1 and 2 first or will I be ok? I wouldn't want to miss any pertinent plot points. You have a DVD player? Dear god child, what's next, Sony Walkman and orange sponge headphones? I have a PS4.. "Ok, I shan't smite you | |||
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"Why can't I resist these bacon and mushroom sandwiches on seeded bread with French mustard? Oh sweet jesus you've fallen foul of the F&B curse. There is only one answer. Find a new man crush. Not a Danish fella as that will make your bacon fetish worse. Or steal a cow. Where the fuck am I going to keep this cow?
Petting zoo in the garden. Bitches love animal lovers."Nice! Should I get an alpaca, rabbit, puppy and kitten too? | |||
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"Dear Auntie P My friend's conversation revolves around them and only them constantly. How do I get them to pretend to be interested in me enough for me to want to carry on the friendship? Yours Carly Simon " You tell them to shut up and listen for 2 damn minutes. Then in your best Kevin and Perey voice you wave your arms and say "ME ME ME, GOD THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT, IT'S SO UNFAIIIIIIIIIR" Then you calmly tell them a little about your day, your worries, you news. If they but in and change the subject back to them, you send them a mirror in the post with a post it note on the front wishing them a happy life with the person who means so much too them they couldn't even listen for 5 cocking minutes. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P My friend's conversation revolves around them and only them constantly. How do I get them to pretend to be interested in me enough for me to want to carry on the friendship? Yours Carly Simon You tell them to shut up and listen for 2 damn minutes. Then in your best Kevin and Perey voice you wave your arms and say "ME ME ME, GOD THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT, IT'S SO UNFAIIIIIIIIIR" Then you calmly tell them a little about your day, your worries, you news. If they but in and change the subject back to them, you send them a mirror in the post with a post it note on the front wishing them a happy life with the person who means so much too them they couldn't even listen for 5 cocking minutes." I'm aware the timing changed from 2 to 5 minutes. Friendship is give and take with a touch of flexibility | |||
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"Aunty P, ....I've just nipped into the canteen and seen a fellow worker checking out FAB.....should I embrace them as a fellow deviant or leave them be....I'm not good with intimate work contact.... "Check who's near and find their profile! | |||
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"Auntie P. Does Michael Buble even exist between mid January and November?" Nope, he's under my stairs for that time. That guy can sing his sweet tones into my echo chamber through off season | |||
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"Why can't I resist these bacon and mushroom sandwiches on seeded bread with French mustard? Oh sweet jesus you've fallen foul of the F&B curse. There is only one answer. Find a new man crush. Not a Danish fella as that will make your bacon fetish worse. Or steal a cow. Where the fuck am I going to keep this cow?
Petting zoo in the garden. Bitches love animal lovers.
Nice! Should I get an alpaca, rabbit, puppy and kitten too?"Outsidey ones yes, insidey ones no. They watch you with their starey eyes when you're doing the do and break the rhythm | |||
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"Good afternoon Auntie P. How do I get my mojo back or how do I attract the laydees to my profile? More cake?" You find your inner Tom Jones, sex bomb sex bomb, if you don't believe in you, no va-jay-jay will either. They can sniff out missing mojo | |||
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"Auntie P Starfish have mouths in the middle of their bodies, but mermaids use them as bras. Are they secretly perverts just getting off on having their nipples chewed on all day?" Perverts in disguise | |||
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"Auntie P. In some states in America nunchucks are illegal but guns are not. If I tied 2 guns together to create gunchucks would this be legal or illegal?" Dragons den. You're welcome | |||
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"Auntie P Can the older generation claim to have worked harder when their soft drinks contained cocaine? Is that not an unfair advantage?" I knew there was a reason I should have been born many moons ago. Unfair advantage. | |||
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"Auntie P Would it be possible to rename precum as prenut butter? It sounds way better and you can skip it into conversation with your partially deaf granny much more easily." Urban dictionary for the win. | |||
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" You find your inner Tom Jones, sex bomb sex bomb, if you don't believe in you, no va-jay-jay will either. They can sniff out missing mojo " .....so that's what,I emptied into my ex's love glove on so many occasions....mojo.... ..... Aunty P, Is it true that a male only has a bucket and a half full of his "mojo" in a lifetime?? What happens when I run out??? | |||
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"Auntie P My FWB squirts like a fountain as soon as I go near here pussy should I be concerned or just enjoy the shower " Get her a she-wee and dart board. If she hits the bullseye she gets the D | |||
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" You find your inner Tom Jones, sex bomb sex bomb, if you don't believe in you, no va-jay-jay will either. They can sniff out missing mojo .....so that's what,I emptied into my ex's love glove on so many occasions....mojo.... ..... Aunty P, Is it true that a male only has a bucket and a half full of his "mojo" in a lifetime?? What happens when I run out??? "Puff of dust. You know like one of those fireworks that you think will be a doozy but it fails and is nowt more than a puff of smoke? Yeah... that's on it's way | |||
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"Auntie P My FWB squirts like a fountain as soon as I go near here pussy should I be concerned or just enjoy the shower Get her a she-wee and dart board. If she hits the bullseye she gets the D " I could just funnel it into a pint glass, there’s enough for everyone | |||
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"Auntie P I heard Jessica Biel is refusing to call her child Batmo Can we get her to change her mind?" I prefer wombat | |||
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"Auntie P My FWB squirts like a fountain as soon as I go near here pussy should I be concerned or just enjoy the shower Get her a she-wee and dart board. If she hits the bullseye she gets the D I could just funnel it into a pint glass, there’s enough for everyone " Send her to the Amazon. Her services could save the planet | |||
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"Auntie P My FWB squirts like a fountain as soon as I go near here pussy should I be concerned or just enjoy the shower Get her a she-wee and dart board. If she hits the bullseye she gets the D I could just funnel it into a pint glass, there’s enough for everyone Send her to the Amazon. Her services could save the planet " It might save the planet but o won’t get to fuck her as often, being selfish and all that | |||
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"Auntie P Is it acceptable for me to use my bayonet to conserve ammo at my paintball competition this weekend ?" Perfectly acceptable, just make sure you're on the team that are firing red balls and you're on easy street | |||
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"Aunty P, I was watching the world gala synchronised swimming championships on my lunch... What happens if on of the team drowned??? Do they all drown??? "So long as they do it in unison or they're synchronisation points are scuppered | |||
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"Aunt P Whenever I eat in a restaurant, anywhere, the server always waits until I have just put food in my mouth before they ask me if everything is ok. Do they receive training in this?" They do not. Being in the industry myself I can tell you it's one of 2 tactics. 1) you look like a miserable cunt who's gonna moan regardless so they time it just right to avoid confrontation 2) you're eating too damn fast. Slow the fuck down greedoid | |||
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"Aunt P My therapist told me that cheesy garlic bread wasnt an emotion.. it's just food. And now I'm confused. Someone has either been lying to me for years or the therapist is crap.. any advice?" Amended.. | |||
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"How do you get over having feelings for your fuck buddy?? "Buy a cow. | |||
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"Aunt P My therapist told me that cheesy garlic bread wasnt an emotion.. it's just food. And now I'm confused. Someone has either been lying to me for years or the therapist is crap.. any advice? Amended.. "It's not an emotion you plank. It's the future | |||
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"Aunt P Whenever I eat in a restaurant, anywhere, the server always waits until I have just put food in my mouth before they ask me if everything is ok. Do they receive training in this? They do not. Being in the industry myself I can tell you it's one of 2 tactics. 1) you look like a miserable cunt who's gonna moan regardless so they time it just right to avoid confrontation 2) you're eating too damn fast. Slow the fuck down greedoid " Nah. If I'm eating out I take my time.. if I look miserable its probably because the food is crap.. | |||
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"Why can't I resist these bacon and mushroom sandwiches on seeded bread with French mustard? Oh sweet jesus you've fallen foul of the F&B curse. There is only one answer. Find a new man crush. Not a Danish fella as that will make your bacon fetish worse. Or steal a cow. Where the fuck am I going to keep this cow?
Petting zoo in the garden. Bitches love animal lovers.
Nice! Should I get an alpaca, rabbit, puppy and kitten too?
Outsidey ones yes, insidey ones no. They watch you with their starey eyes when you're doing the do and break the rhythm "How do I get a kitten out of an alpaca's throat? | |||
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"Aunt P Whenever I eat in a restaurant, anywhere, the server always waits until I have just put food in my mouth before they ask me if everything is ok. Do they receive training in this? They do not. Being in the industry myself I can tell you it's one of 2 tactics. 1) you look like a miserable cunt who's gonna moan regardless so they time it just right to avoid confrontation 2) you're eating too damn fast. Slow the fuck down greedoid Nah. If I'm eating out I take my time.. if I look miserable its probably because the food is crap.. "Then the last ditch is you have food in your teeth and they don't want to feel awkward about it | |||
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"Why can't I resist these bacon and mushroom sandwiches on seeded bread with French mustard? Oh sweet jesus you've fallen foul of the F&B curse. There is only one answer. Find a new man crush. Not a Danish fella as that will make your bacon fetish worse. Or steal a cow. Where the fuck am I going to keep this cow?
Petting zoo in the garden. Bitches love animal lovers.
Nice! Should I get an alpaca, rabbit, puppy and kitten too?
Outsidey ones yes, insidey ones no. They watch you with their starey eyes when you're doing the do and break the rhythm
How do I get a kitten out of an alpaca's throat? "Pull a moonie at the alpaca as a distraction, then send the rabbit on a rescue mission | |||
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"Auntie P Why does Tommy Lee Jones always look like his kid told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally? " Years of bad decisions and regret | |||
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"Auntie P Are plants actually just feeding us oxygen until we die so they can feed on us? Is this war?" Audrey 2. They don't always wait until you die.... | |||
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"Auntie P Is it weird that people will lick each other buttholes but if a fork falls on the floor they want a clean one?" I'll only lick a squeaky clean butthole. I'm quite certain dirty butthole munchers aren't so fork fussy | |||
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"Aunty P Help, I met a lovely girl, we kisses had an amazing time, it was wonderful... The problem is my todger didn't tingle fully... Is there a problem with it? She now wants the "D" really bad....what should I do?? Should I just suck it up and give her the D....because I've always been brought up to be kind and polite to people.... "If she didn't tickle your pickle there's no shame in it. Orrrrr you could pop a viagra and run the risk of having this situation continue. If sparks weren't flying they weren't flying. Honesty always. | |||
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"Auntie sorry to bother you again but I’ve just taken delivery of my new 9.5 inch dildo and i think I’ve taken on more than I can chew. Should I cut the balls off or the bell end to make it smaller. Thanks "Naaaaaaaa, you just need the right lady with a soft touch to turn you to mush and ease that baby in | |||
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"Should I just give up on fab?" Well you can start by being less of an Eeyore! Just reading your username gave me anxiety and half emptied my glass. Postitivy is what's needed! lick a battery, do whatever to lift your outlook Note* anyone licking batteries knows that fucker will hurt like a bitch and is a twat for even considering it | |||
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"Auntie sorry to bother you again but I’ve just taken delivery of my new 9.5 inch dildo and i think I’ve taken on more than I can chew. Should I cut the balls off or the bell end to make it smaller. Thanks
Naaaaaaaa, you just need the right lady with a soft touch to turn you to mush and ease that baby in" | |||
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"Auntie sorry to bother you again but I’ve just taken delivery of my new 9.5 inch dildo and i think I’ve taken on more than I can chew. Should I cut the balls off or the bell end to make it smaller. Thanks
Naaaaaaaa, you just need the right lady with a soft touch to turn you to mush and ease that baby in
"Ohhhh you trollope. I love it | |||
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"What is wrong on my life, I must get d*unk every night " Get a cow, drink milk instead Clown dwarves are also acceptable distractions. You'll believe you've already had a bottle of vodka of you see those mini me's unicycling round the garden | |||
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"Auntie P Having an issue with the theory of centaurs. Colts can be up and about within hours of birth but human babies cant even hold their heads up for months.. so do they just run around with floppy baby torsos when they are born?" Like the episode of American dad where Stan gets baby legs but reversed. Fuck knows. I'm guessing colt strength mingled with human savvy = head up baby horse-human | |||
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"What is wrong on my life, I must get d*unk every night Get a cow, drink milk instead Clown dwarves are also acceptable distractions. You'll believe you've already had a bottle of vodka of you see those mini me's unicycling round the garden " Clown dwarves in short supply!! | |||
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"Aunty P, I've just returned to my desk...and I've been left.... A mcvities gold bar, a packet of airwaves and a single bolt.... What is this a sign of/for??? "Energy food coz they heard you wanking in the toilet and you need to keep your strength up, chewy in case you were fingering your butt hole at the same time and ate the evidence, the bolt is to whack down your japs to avoid future expulsions | |||
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"Dear aunty P. If travelling on the same bus as you -should the men invest in that luminous spray to out gropers that I have seened on t'internet ?" Shhhhh granny, I'm checking who's near | |||
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"Dear aunty P. If travelling on the same bus as you -should the men invest in that luminous spray to out gropers that I have seened on t'internet ? Shhhhh granny, I'm checking who's near "Besides, falling isn't groping. It's an accident. Men do it all the time in the shower, those shampoo bottles are always getting in the way just as the shampoo bottle removers in A&E | |||
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"Dear aunty P. If travelling on the same bus as you -should the men invest in that luminous spray to out gropers that I have seened on t'internet ? Shhhhh granny, I'm checking who's near
Besides, falling isn't groping. It's an accident.
Men do it all the time in the shower, those shampoo bottles are always getting in the way just as the shampoo bottle removers in A&E"He has a man bun, tattoos, neat stubble. I think his face would look just perfect buried in my snatch. Hot damn! Balls, I'm getting off next stop. | |||
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"Aunty P, Just a quickie before we hit the magic number.... I've accidentally pushed the nut to far down my japseye....it's also on the wonk at a funny angle....how best do you recommend to remove this later, as I fear doing this at the desk may get me the sack....again.... "I'm sure you can work it out, release your inner Macgyver. You have chewing gum... I shit out and falling on the sexy man bun penis btw. | |||
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