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"I'm having a short fuse day today. Came on this morning, have womb doom from hell and am terribly sad for my friend. I also need the shop but it's pissing down like some cunt is firing my windows with a fire hose. So, if you need words of wisdom, I'm on my A game to give you utter wankybollocks advice. " Almost Shakespearian that is P  | |||
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"I'm having a short fuse day today. Came on this morning, have womb doom from hell and am terribly sad for my friend. I also need the shop but it's pissing down like some cunt is firing my windows with a fire hose. So, if you need words of wisdom, I'm on my A game to give you utter wankybollocks advice. Almost Shakespearian that is P "That show-offy prick wishes he was as eloquent as me. | |||
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"I'm having a short fuse day today. Came on this morning, have womb doom from hell and am terribly sad for my friend. I also need the shop but it's pissing down like some cunt is firing my windows with a fire hose. So, if you need words of wisdom, I'm on my A game to give you utter wankybollocks advice. Almost Shakespearian that is P "So good day all round then | |||
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"I'm having a short fuse day today. Came on this morning, have womb doom from hell and am terribly sad for my friend. I also need the shop but it's pissing down like some cunt is firing my windows with a fire hose. So, if you need words of wisdom, I'm on my A game to give you utter wankybollocks advice. Almost Shakespearian that is P
That show-offy prick wishes he was as eloquent as me."Fuckin right too  | |||
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"Auntie P, I have 33 McDonalds apple pies and 40 quids worth of chicken nuggets in my fridge I'm vegetarian What should I do?" Have you ever seen Neg's urban sports? Here's your answer .... https://youtu.be/jGQQuaVL0R0 | |||
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"Auntie P, I have 33 McDonalds apple pies and 40 quids worth of chicken nuggets in my fridge I'm vegetarian What should I do?" Give them to me  | |||
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 .
I’ve tried to explain that I am in no way associated with said characters and that any similarities to any persons living or dead is entirely unintentional but the bloody thing won’t let up. It even chomped on my amphibious plane yesterday (and my beloved banana float the day before!)
What should I do?  | |||
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"Aunt P I've discovered that I've an itchy clunge this morning, feels like it infested with fleas. Do fleas like the taste of sweaty minge, and can they be rid of easily? Or is it just the crabs? " | |||
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"Aunt P I've discovered that I've an itchy clunge this morning, feels like it infested with fleas. Do fleas like the taste of sweaty minge, and can they be rid of easily? Or is it just the crabs? "Stop rubbing your chuff against the local feral foxes for a start. Those bastards are flea ridden fucknuggets as well as have sharp teeth. There's only one cure for your poonani. Kill it... kill it with fire. | |||
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"Aunt P I've discovered that I've an itchy clunge this morning, feels like it infested with fleas. Do fleas like the taste of sweaty minge, and can they be rid of easily? Or is it just the crabs?
Stop rubbing your chuff against the local feral foxes for a start. Those bastards are flea ridden fucknuggets as well as have sharp teeth.
There's only one cure for your poonani. Kill it... kill it with fire."Singed minge? Sounds painful.  | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Whilst on holiday in the Bahama’s, I have been repeatedly stalked by a large Great White shark who is accusing me of being one of the Brody family .
I’ve tried to explain that I am in no way associated with said characters and that any similarities to any persons living or dead is entirely unintentional but the bloody thing won’t let up. It even chomped on my amphibious plane yesterday (and my beloved banana float the day before!)
What should I do? "Hire a team of dwarf deep sea divers to distract it whilst you go about your business. Then punch it square on the snotter | |||
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"Aunt P I've discovered that I've an itchy clunge this morning, feels like it infested with fleas. Do fleas like the taste of sweaty minge, and can they be rid of easily? Or is it just the crabs?
Stop rubbing your chuff against the local feral foxes for a start. Those bastards are flea ridden fucknuggets as well as have sharp teeth.
There's only one cure for your poonani. Kill it... kill it with fire.
Singed minge? Sounds painful. "Be sure to take a paracetamol. Fucking paracetamol, placebo tablets those cunts are. At least a skittle gives you a minor sugar kick | |||
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"Auntie P, I'm in a singing like no one can hear me/ I don't care if I piss off the neighbours mood, but I have an infection and can't. This irritates me. Please advise. " Go find Kate Bush, rip out her larynx and swap it with your own. | |||
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"Auntie P, I have 33 McDonalds apple pies and 40 quids worth of chicken nuggets in my fridge I'm vegetarian What should I do? Give them to me "I'll post 'em They should be with you next Tuesday | |||
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"Auntie P, I have 33 McDonalds apple pies and 40 quids worth of chicken nuggets in my fridge I'm vegetarian What should I do? Give them to me
I'll post 'em
They should be with you next Tuesday"Did you not watch the instruction manual in my link? Fool proof I tell thee. | |||
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"Aunt P After following some dubious advice. I've now got a 3rd degree burnt, genuine messed up kebab where my fandango used to be. Do you think slathering it in yoghurt/mint sauce will solve my problem. "Hell yeah, just steer clear of the chilli, that may smart a bit. Hang out at the kebabbie nearest to the pub around the 11pm time, and you'll still find someone (albeit slightly inebriated to munch your muff) | |||
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"Dear Aunt P Many years ago my father caught me masterbating and said, “son save that until yr older” I now have 14 buckets of cum stored in the loft and what should I do with it? Thanks Aunty P yr advice would be appreciated has I’m scared of the ceiling collapsing " DIY SOS are always on the scrounge for donations. 14 buckets of wallpaper paste will come in handy | |||
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"Aunt P After following some dubious advice. I've now got a 3rd degree burnt, genuine messed up kebab where my fandango used to be. Do you think slathering it in yoghurt/mint sauce will solve my problem.
Hell yeah, just steer clear of the chilli, that may smart a bit.
Hang out at the kebabbie nearest to the pub around the 11pm time, and you'll still find someone (albeit slightly inebriated to munch your muff)"Thank you so much. I really think I should have mingestructions. I'm gonna seek an online source for some later. | |||
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"Aunt P After following some dubious advice. I've now got a 3rd degree burnt, genuine messed up kebab where my fandango used to be. Do you think slathering it in yoghurt/mint sauce will solve my problem.
Hell yeah, just steer clear of the chilli, that may smart a bit.
Hang out at the kebabbie nearest to the pub around the 11pm time, and you'll still find someone (albeit slightly inebriated to munch your muff)
Thank you so much. I really think I should have mingestructions. I'm gonna seek an online source for some later. "Defo, everything you read on the internet is troofs. | |||
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"Auntie P, I have 33 McDonalds apple pies and 40 quids worth of chicken nuggets in my fridge I'm vegetarian What should I do? Give them to me
I'll post 'em
They should be with you next Tuesday
Did you not watch the instruction manual in my link?
Fool proof I tell thee."Auntie P, I am concerned about the levels of violence in that video You really HAVE got serious womb doom, havent you? Its fucking funny though. | |||
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"Should ifall off the radar and stop paying tax to the government its getting aweful pricey when they keep making things up i owe money for" Why the fuck not. I think your arse will be a welcomed addition to the bum fun brigade at HMP tax dodgerville | |||
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"Auntie P, I have 33 McDonalds apple pies and 40 quids worth of chicken nuggets in my fridge I'm vegetarian What should I do? Give them to me
I'll post 'em
They should be with you next Tuesday
Did you not watch the instruction manual in my link?
Fool proof I tell thee.
Auntie P, I am concerned about the levels of violence in that video
You really HAVE got serious womb doom, havent you?
Its fucking funny though. "Chicken MCFUCKINGNUGGETS | |||
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"Should ifall off the radar and stop paying tax to the government its getting aweful pricey when they keep making things up i owe money for Why the fuck not. I think your arse will be a welcomed addition to the bum fun brigade at HMP tax dodgerville " woah woah is that a rule | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Whilst on holiday in the Bahama’s, I have been repeatedly stalked by a large Great White shark who is accusing me of being one of the Brody family .
I’ve tried to explain that I am in no way associated with said characters and that any similarities to any persons living or dead is entirely unintentional but the bloody thing won’t let up. It even chomped on my amphibious plane yesterday (and my beloved banana float the day before!)
What should I do?
Hire a team of dwarf deep sea divers to distract it whilst you go about your business. Then punch it square on the snotter "Thanks Auntie P - I knew I could count on you for always sound advice  Now.....I hear that there’s an amateur production of Snow White on nearby so I’m off to procure seven volunteers..... | |||
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"Should ifall off the radar and stop paying tax to the government its getting aweful pricey when they keep making things up i owe money for Why the fuck not. I think your arse will be a welcomed addition to the bum fun brigade at HMP tax dodgerville woah woah is that a rule" If you're lucky | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Whilst on holiday in the Bahama’s, I have been repeatedly stalked by a large Great White shark who is accusing me of being one of the Brody family .
I’ve tried to explain that I am in no way associated with said characters and that any similarities to any persons living or dead is entirely unintentional but the bloody thing won’t let up. It even chomped on my amphibious plane yesterday (and my beloved banana float the day before!)
What should I do?
Hire a team of dwarf deep sea divers to distract it whilst you go about your business. Then punch it square on the snotter
Thanks Auntie P - I knew I could count on you for always sound advice Now.....I hear that there’s an amateur production of Snow White on nearby so I’m off to procure seven volunteers....."Wear the blonde wig, not the black one. | |||
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"Should ifall off the radar and stop paying tax to the government its getting aweful pricey when they keep making things up i owe money for Why the fuck not. I think your arse will be a welcomed addition to the bum fun brigade at HMP tax dodgerville woah woah is that a rule If you're lucky " knowing me i will be looks like a lifetime of being ripped off it is | |||
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"Should ifall off the radar and stop paying tax to the government its getting aweful pricey when they keep making things up i owe money for Why the fuck not. I think your arse will be a welcomed addition to the bum fun brigade at HMP tax dodgerville woah woah is that a rule If you're lucky knowing me i will be looks like a lifetime of being ripped off it is" Stop your griping, could be worse, you could have just gone to the shop for twiglets as that's the only thing your body is craving.. and they don't have any. Cunts | |||
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"Should ifall off the radar and stop paying tax to the government its getting aweful pricey when they keep making things up i owe money for Why the fuck not. I think your arse will be a welcomed addition to the bum fun brigade at HMP tax dodgerville woah woah is that a rule If you're lucky knowing me i will be looks like a lifetime of being ripped off it is Stop your griping, could be worse, you could have just gone to the shop for twiglets as that's the only thing your body is craving.. and they don't have any. Cunts " baaa | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? " tom brady apparently | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? " Big fuckoff Rotty has got my goat. Who's gonna keep my lawns in check now?  | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? Big fuckoff Rotty has got my goat. Who's gonna keep my lawns in check now? "Cunt. How is your cunt by the way? Burns healing? Lawn can be kept in check by fire. Kill it with fire. Hang on.... deja vue | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? Big fuckoff Rotty has got my goat. Who's gonna keep my lawns in check now?
Cunt.
How is your cunt by the way? Burns healing?
Lawn can be kept in check by fire. Kill it with fire.
Hang on.... deja vue "Lips are a bit crispy at the moment, but I reckon it'll still work. | |||
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"Come sit on my face  "It's leaking chunky blobs of hormone rage right now. 
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? tom brady apparently" I ain't gonna mention I thought you were talkin about Ian Brady for a moment there. | |||
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"Come sit on my face
It's leaking chunky blobs of hormone rage right now.
"Freebies  | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? Big fuckoff Rotty has got my goat. Who's gonna keep my lawns in check now?
Cunt.
How is your cunt by the way? Burns healing?
Lawn can be kept in check by fire. Kill it with fire.
Hang on.... deja vue
Lips are a bit crispy at the moment, but I reckon it'll still work."Fucking jackpot | |||
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"Come sit on my face
It's leaking chunky blobs of hormone rage right now.
Freebies "Oh sweet jesus you're as sick as me | |||
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"What is the ideal cock size? " One that works and isn't attached to a bigger cock | |||
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"Come sit on my face
It's leaking chunky blobs of hormone rage right now.
Freebies
Oh sweet jesus you're as sick as me "Yeah baby! | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? " Hi Aunty P.....its Uncle Jizzy here!
I also, run an advice forum myself....its demanding at times!
So.....how do you find time for The finer/little pleasures in life....I feel like I help everyone else....but no one wants to help me.... | |||
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"What is the ideal cock size? " I could throat punch you for that, but I shall refrain. 4 score and 2 gigabytes | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? Hi Aunty P.....its Uncle Jizzy here!
I also, run an advice forum myself....its demanding at times!
So.....how do you find time for The finer/little pleasures in life....I feel like I help everyone else....but no one wants to help me.... "Duuuuuude, it's when you're sat on the throne and drop a log from heaven. Those are natures gifts | |||
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"Dear Aunty P. I don't want to go to work. What excuse would you recommend. I work in the hospitality sector like yourself. My job would be good if it were not for customers. What should i say ?" You suck it the fuck up buttercup. Pea & ham soup that is. Then cough a little on the way in making sure people can see you, then with perfect timing you spray that green chunky shit out of your mouth and up the window. 48 hours off work for vomming. You're welcome | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? Hi Aunty P.....its Uncle Jizzy here!
I also, run an advice forum myself....its demanding at times!
So.....how do you find time for The finer/little pleasures in life....I feel like I help everyone else....but no one wants to help me....
Duuuuuude, it's when you're sat on the throne and drop a log from heaven.
Those are natures gifts "Oh yeah, especially if you've been putting it off for a while. Waiting till you get home instead of using the rank facilities of the public domain. | |||
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" Duuuuuude, it's when you're sat on the throne and drop a log from heaven. Those are natures gifts " its been a while since I've had a solid log Aunty P.....I think my diet is too spice heavy....I sometimes feel like I live in India....
It is true that the arsehole has tastebuds too?? As it turns on the way out......  | |||
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On the positive side, I can at least sing four octaves higher now but can you suggest any ideas for some prosthetic man-danglers to replace the ones I lost? (I believe I last saw my dog making off with my genuine ones...) | |||
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"I demand distracting. What's got your goat? Hi Aunty P.....its Uncle Jizzy here!
I also, run an advice forum myself....its demanding at times!
So.....how do you find time for The finer/little pleasures in life....I feel like I help everyone else....but no one wants to help me....
Duuuuuude, it's when you're sat on the throne and drop a log from heaven.
Those are natures gifts
Oh yeah, especially if you've been putting it off for a while. Waiting till you get home instead of using the rank facilities of the public domain. "My inspiration for that answer was the kids I dropped at the pool from the luxury of my home bowl and Andrex. Drew an ace too | |||
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" Duuuuuude, it's when you're sat on the throne and drop a log from heaven. Those are natures gifts its been a while since I've had a solid log Aunty P.....I think my diet is too spice heavy....I sometimes feel like I live in India....
It is true that the arsehole has tastebuds too?? As it turns on the way out...... "Auntie P diet for you my child. Cherry Pepsi max and a bag of drumsticks squashies. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Whilst shaving my scrotum in the shower earlier, I inadvertently managed to sever my balls off
On the positive side, I can at least sing four octaves higher now but can you suggest any ideas for some prosthetic man-danglers to replace the ones I lost? (I believe I last saw my dog making off with my genuine ones...)"Peaches will work perfectly. They're hard yet soft, can be smooth yet wrinkly, have a small amount of fuzz yet you cannot feel anything other than silky pleasure when you cup it in your hand. Tastes fucking divine too | |||
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" Auntie P diet for you my child. Cherry Pepsi max and a bag of drumsticks squashies." am I okay for Rola Cola....with a bottle of cherry cake flavoring?? As in a bit hard up for cash, due to spending so much on Nicky loo roll from HB due to my spice heavy diet.... | |||
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" Auntie P diet for you my child. Cherry Pepsi max and a bag of drumsticks squashies. am I okay for Rola Cola....with a bottle of cherry cake flavoring?? As in a bit hard up for cash, due to spending so much on Nicky loo roll from HB due to my spice heavy diet.... "Try it and get back to me. I do enjoy a little experiment. You need to ease up on the Nicky tho, the scented shizzle is the devil in disguise | |||
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" Try it and get back to me. I do enjoy a little experiment. You need to ease up on the Nicky tho, the scented shizzle is the devil in disguise " but it sucked me in with its marketing of planting trees and containing Aloe Vera.... | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, Whilst shaving my scrotum in the shower earlier, I inadvertently managed to sever my balls off
On the positive side, I can at least sing four octaves higher now but can you suggest any ideas for some prosthetic man-danglers to replace the ones I lost? (I believe I last saw my dog making off with my genuine ones...)
Peaches will work perfectly. They're hard yet soft, can be smooth yet wrinkly, have a small amount of fuzz yet you cannot feel anything other than silky pleasure when you cup it in your hand.
Tastes fucking divine too "Thanks Auntie P
I’ve taken your sage advice and acted upon it as always and am now pleased to report that I’m now sporting the most beautiful new pair of juicy balls going.
Indeed, my fellow patrons in the fruit aisle here in Asda are looking on with unbridled envy even as I type this and one’s even just gone to fetch the security guard who’s coming over right this very moment, doubtless to also marvel at my wondrous new man orbs......
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"Auntie P What do you do when you're so desperate for a piss, but have nowhere to go. Add to that, you're so desperate, you start to imagine, what it will feel like to do, the kind of piss you're trying not to do right at that moment. It's like self torture for the mind and body." You succumb, you phone B and tell him to get his arse to you right now. He will drink every drop | |||
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"Hey Aunt P...well I'm having a shit week and it's only Wednesday with no sign of it getting any better. I'm feeling a little tired and jaded. I'm lost my oomph can you help find it x " You start an advice line to hide the fact you're head is a twisted hell hole right now | |||
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"Auntie P What do you do when you're so desperate for a piss, but have nowhere to go. Add to that, you're so desperate, you start to imagine, what it will feel like to do, the kind of piss you're trying not to do right at that moment. It's like self torture for the mind and body. You succumb, you phone B and tell him to get his arse to you right now. He will drink every drop " My hero | |||
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"On a shit run at work this week cant buy a deal and im losing motivation to get out the car" Fart and close all the windows. You'll get out soon enough | |||
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"Auntie P, It's only Wednesday, I got back from holiday on Monday and already I'm looking at people like, "are you fucking kidding me, you did it again....for the 3rd time, fucked up again and you still have not changed what you're doing or how you do it!!?" Whilst saying, "it's ok, we'll take this as another lesson learned, now let's look at how we recover and build confidence in our customer (YOU UTTER COCKWOMBLE - inside voice)" Can you help, I tried anger management, it manage to make me angrier
"You need to change tack and so do they. Funny you brought it up actually as I used the 'keep doing the same thing over and over and you'll continue to get the same results' line earlier. Or burn the building down and rebuild with new people who listen and aren't afraid of change | |||
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"Auntie P I’ve offered up myself on a silver platter complete with all the trimmings and even promised to clean up after. But nobody was interested. Does this mean I’m doomed to be a spinster or is there any hope for me " Silver? Too posh for these parts sweetcheeks. You need to say it all shady Alright geezers, I've heard on the down low there's plenty of man balls in need of draining, well they don't call me drain-a-Rod for nuffin. Asda car park, 9.45 pm.... deal. | |||
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"Auntie P I’ve offered up myself on a silver platter complete with all the trimmings and even promised to clean up after. But nobody was interested. Does this mean I’m doomed to be a spinster or is there any hope for me Silver? Too posh for these parts sweetcheeks. You need to say it all shady Alright geezers, I've heard on the down low there's plenty of man balls in need of draining, well they don't call me drain-a-Rod for nuffin. Asda car park, 9.45 pm.... deal." I thank you so much I’m off to Asda | |||
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"Auntie P I’ve offered up myself on a silver platter complete with all the trimmings and even promised to clean up after. But nobody was interested. Does this mean I’m doomed to be a spinster or is there any hope for me Silver? Too posh for these parts sweetcheeks. You need to say it all shady Alright geezers, I've heard on the down low there's plenty of man balls in need of draining, well they don't call me drain-a-Rod for nuffin. Asda car park, 9.45 pm.... deal. I thank you so much I’m off to Asda " Grab us a muffin whilst you're there. Blueberry please. Autocarrot changed nuffin to muffin at first and now I'm hankering | |||
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"Auntie P I’ve offered up myself on a silver platter complete with all the trimmings and even promised to clean up after. But nobody was interested. Does this mean I’m doomed to be a spinster or is there any hope for me Silver? Too posh for these parts sweetcheeks. You need to say it all shady Alright geezers, I've heard on the down low there's plenty of man balls in need of draining, well they don't call me drain-a-Rod for nuffin. Asda car park, 9.45 pm.... deal." Well that has turned my frown upside down | |||
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"Auntie P I’ve offered up myself on a silver platter complete with all the trimmings and even promised to clean up after. But nobody was interested. Does this mean I’m doomed to be a spinster or is there any hope for me Silver? Too posh for these parts sweetcheeks. You need to say it all shady Alright geezers, I've heard on the down low there's plenty of man balls in need of draining, well they don't call me drain-a-Rod for nuffin. Asda car park, 9.45 pm.... deal. Well that has turned my frown upside down "Huzzah! I may need botox to sort mine | |||
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"Dear Aunty P. I don't want to go to work. What excuse would you recommend. I work in the hospitality sector like yourself. My job would be good if it were not for customers. What should i say ? You suck it the fuck up buttercup. Pea & ham soup that is. Then cough a little on the way in making sure people can see you, then with perfect timing you spray that green chunky shit out of your mouth and up the window. 48 hours off work for vomming. You're welcome " Cheers Aunty P xx | |||
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"Auntie P, It's only Wednesday, I got back from holiday on Monday and already I'm looking at people like, "are you fucking kidding me, you did it again....for the 3rd time, fucked up again and you still have not changed what you're doing or how you do it!!?" Whilst saying, "it's ok, we'll take this as another lesson learned, now let's look at how we recover and build confidence in our customer (YOU UTTER COCKWOMBLE - inside voice)" Can you help, I tried anger management, it manage to make me angrier
You need to change tack and so do they.
Funny you brought it up actually as I used the 'keep doing the same thing over and over and you'll continue to get the same results' line earlier.
Or burn the building down and rebuild with new people who listen and aren't afraid of change
"Hmmm burn the building down..."Auntie P on Fab said to do it Mi'Lud." Thanks Auntie P | |||
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"Auntie P, It's only Wednesday, I got back from holiday on Monday and already I'm looking at people like, "are you fucking kidding me, you did it again....for the 3rd time, fucked up again and you still have not changed what you're doing or how you do it!!?" Whilst saying, "it's ok, we'll take this as another lesson learned, now let's look at how we recover and build confidence in our customer (YOU UTTER COCKWOMBLE - inside voice)" Can you help, I tried anger management, it manage to make me angrier
You need to change tack and so do they.
Funny you brought it up actually as I used the 'keep doing the same thing over and over and you'll continue to get the same results' line earlier.
Or burn the building down and rebuild with new people who listen and aren't afraid of change
Hmmm burn the building down..."Auntie P on Fab said to do it Mi'Lud."
Thanks Auntie P "*claims insanity* | |||
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"Auntie P, *claims insanity*" judge wholeheartedly agrees and drops all charges..... | |||
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"Auntie P, *claims insanity* judge wholeheartedly agrees and drops all charges..... "Finally some justice | |||
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"My small has just uttered her first words. She said "when I grow up, I wanna be just like auntie peachizzle"" *sheds tear* This kid is fucking going places.
I'll get us some matching onesies | |||
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