FabSwingers.com forum: Joke time

By *emo and Holly OP Couple
over a year ago

neath

2 packets of crisps walking down the road, it was pouring with rain and windy, a car pulled up and said ' hey you two, would you like a lift'

'No thanks' they said ' We're Walkers'

Well it made me laugh xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's Xmas Eve and there is a knock at the door, the bloke who owns the house drags himself out of bed and answers the door and see's a little snail on the door step carol singing.

The bloke isn't impressed that he's been woken up by a carol singing snail so he picks it up and throws it as far as he can and goes back to bed.

3 years later aon Xmas Eve there is a knock at the blokes door, he gets up and answers it and low and behold there is the same snail which says "What did you do that for?"

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By *emo and Holly OP Couple
over a year ago

neath

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

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By *acktilMan
over a year ago

Tewkesbury

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"

I don't know why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walked in on my son sticking his penis in dip.

I think he might be hummusexual. ?

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

My mate was diagnosed as a mute today,

I thought, "Fuck me,

he kept that quiet"

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By *weet DevilMan
over a year ago

dukinfield

mother goes to doctors and says its my son he keeps wanking he does it all the time

doctor asked son why

son replied because im bored

doctor says its just a phase hes going through but i will refer him to see a consultant

boy goes to see him and consultant asks him why he wanks all the time

cos im bored he replied

consultant get a big box of chocolates and says to boy have a chocolate why i speak to your mother he goes out and he says to boys mother

have no worries boys that age wank all the time he will soon find other things to do

ill send him out to you

consultant returned to find all the chocolates eaten

fuck have u eaten all of them

boy replies yes cos i was bored

you greedy fucker why didnt you have awank instead

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A Chinese girl approached me in an alley.

She said "sucky fucky five dorra"

I said you're way to young"

she said "how you know my name?"

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

had sex last night with a girl who had eczema.....cracking fanny!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Playing poker with some leppers last night...

One threw his hand in... The others laughed their heads off...

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Women should be like golf caddies...

Either holding your balls or getting your fucking tee ready!

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By *riendlyfunfemWoman
over a year ago

A world of my own

The job interviewer asked "What's your full name?"

"Its John Fucking Bastard Twat Fuck Piss Flaps Parker"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's John?"

"No, but the vicar at my christening did"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of cheap perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?

You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo!!

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By *riendlyfunfemWoman
over a year ago

A world of my own

Drug users in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstacy directly into their mouths. This dangerous

practise is known as ' E by gum '.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A cat sits by a river when a three inch sausage floats by, the cat dips his paw in but misses it....

Soon a six inch sausage floats by, the cat dips his whole leg in but still misses it. Later a nine inch sausage floats by, the cat jumps in and eats the sausage.

The moral of the story?

The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares earlier today.

Going for a shit could spell trouble.

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By *ausage and sizzleCouple
over a year ago

Barnstaple

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My wife said, 'aren't you going to help?'

I said, 'No. Six should be enough.'

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

What are the two most important holes in a woman's body?

No, not them you dirty bastard - Her nostrils......They allow her to breathe while she's sucking your cock!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What are the two most important holes in a woman's body?

No, not them you dirty bastard - Her nostrils......They allow her to breathe while she's sucking your cock!

Class!!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"What are the two most important holes in a woman's body?

No, not them you dirty bastard - Her nostrils......They allow her to breathe while she's sucking your cock!

Class!!

Thought you would like that one

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I kept telling my girlfriend not to turn her head away near the end of a blow job. Did she listen?

Did she fuck..!

It just went in one ear and out the other..

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

My new girlfriend said I have to wait six months,

before she'll suck my cock.

I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Scientists have found that many women develop "hoover disease" after years of marriage, they begin to make a continuous whining noise,

but don't suck anymore!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you get if you take the 'I' out of married?

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjob's.

1% liked warmth.

2% liked sensation.

3% liked eroticism.

94% just liked the peace and quiet...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 16/03/12 21:58:37]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

IYI

YIYIYI

A Geordie eye test!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Top tip if your camping in the summer and the attractive young lady in the next tent tells you that because it's hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open,

it's not an invitation to casual sex...

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today,

so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him,

'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks,

'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Got home and found the wife dead in the washing machine earlier.

I'm fucking gutted...

But at least she died in Comfort!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Just competed in the UK blindfolded masturbating competition.

Fuck knows where I came....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like sweets." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

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By *ikeriderMan
over a year ago

prestatyn

In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.

In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A Mother is cleaning out her 12 year old Son's bedroom...

She is shocked when she finds a load of Bondage Gear and Fetish magazines!

She calls her Husband and asks him,

"What should I do?" He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do...

don't spank him!"

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By *arnayguyMan
over a year ago

Durham Tees

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

The koala looked down at him and said,

'FUCK ME!!!

How much water did you drink!?'

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A recent survey has found that 95% of men don't know how to turn the dishwasher on.

I find that licking her nipples and a light fingering usually does the trick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

not a joke but this thread has got me in stitches this morning thank you all x

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"not a joke but this thread has got me in stitches this morning thank you all x"

Your most welcome.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I once knew a Dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking .

she was known as,

Oral High Jean.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After spending the night at a hotel with a hooker, a politician takes £300 from his wallet and places it on the dressing table.

"Thanks", the woman says. "But i don't charge that much"

Really? the politician replies,amazed.

"Surely you can't make a living on less than that"?

Oh, dont worry she smirks "My day job is blackmailing"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a woman moans at her man for peeing on the bathroom carpet. So she sets up a website to help him stop doing it. she calls it... www./fowardslash.co.uk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

two women are chatting about their vegetable plots. I flash my tits at my tomatoes to make them go red the first woman says! Does it work? the other asks! No she replies but my cucumbers are enormous

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"a woman moans at her man for peeing on the bathroom carpet. So she sets up a website to help him stop doing it. she calls it... www./fowardslash.co.uk"

Lol lol

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By *obinhood-maidmarionCouple
over a year ago

Benidorm

I went to a bar last night and got chatting to a lovely lady with beautiful tits, I managed to convince her I had an amazing talent of being able to tell her the exact day she was born just by feeling her tits.

She didnt believe me but I said I would prove it to her.

So I started feeling her tits, after a minute or so she got impatient and said "go on then.....tell me"

So I said "yesterday"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I went to a bar last night and got chatting to a lovely lady with beautiful tits, I managed to convince her I had an amazing talent of being able to tell her the exact day she was born just by feeling her tits.

She didnt believe me but I said I would prove it to her.

So I started feeling her tits, after a minute or so she got impatient and said "go on then.....tell me"

So I said "yesterday""

huh? I don't get it???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She didnt believe me but I said I would prove it to her.

So I started feeling her tits, after a minute or so she got impatient and said "go on then.....tell me"

So I said "yesterday"

huh? I don't get it???

"
Born yesterday as in believing he could do it simples!

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

She didnt believe me but I said I would prove it to her.

So I started feeling her tits, after a minute or so she got impatient and said "go on then.....tell me"

So I said "yesterday"

huh? I don't get it???

Really Wishy

She allowed someone to feel her tits after a load of old bollocks given to her

She was born yesterday if she believed he would be able to tell her what her birthday was

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I've just ordered some of that

007 Viagra,

it helps you Rodger moore.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She didnt believe me but I said I would prove it to her.

So I started feeling her tits, after a minute or so she got impatient and said "go on then.....tell me"

So I said "yesterday"

huh? I don't get it???

Really Wishy

She allowed someone to feel her tits after a load of old bollocks given to her

She was born yesterday if she believed he would be able to tell her what her birthday was"

Ah, oops.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the doctors the other day.

He said "Eric, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating".

When I asked him why he said "So I can begin the examination!"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

A man's wife came in wearin a sexy nighty, She told him "Tie me up and do what you want" So he tied her up, fucked her sister and went fishing.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Why there are no male agony aunts.....

Dear Jim last week I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile my car broke down so I walked home again and arriving unexpectedly I found my 17 year old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform with my husband bent over her, I am devasted can you help?

Dear Sally....A common cause for this is dirt in your carburettor, don't let your fuel drop to low in the tank, hope this helps...JIM

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

...When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man

it's £1.50 a minute.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Hiya, Some of you already know that I'm running the London Marathon this year, if you would like to sponsor me, please go to www.likefuckiam.co.uk

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Just got these through on email, thought it was funny......

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

With his secretary.

One day they went to her place

And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

And told his lover to take his shoes

Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

Be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

About to be cremated,

And made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

With such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

Stuffed it into his briefcase,

And took it home.

'I have something to show

You won't believe,' he said to his wife,

Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

When she heard her husband

Opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

Then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

As he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

So I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

Went to the kitchen and returned

With a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

With your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

To his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

Her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Steven Hawking has been taken ill.

The ambulance driver didn't know whether to take him to A&E

or PC World!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why do women give birth ? because it hurts and they deserve it .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My father told me never to trust a woman!

When I asked why - he simply said "Never trust anyone that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die!!!"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard a onion singing a BeeGees song.....

When I opened the door it was just a chive talkin...I asked the chive if it wanted to be a onion?....But it said,

I'm stayin, a chive ah, ah, ah, ah,

stayin a chive....

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Caught a bloke with his cock in a jar of mayonnaise,

I thought fuckin Helmann!

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By *eaboMan
over a year ago

marden

i have eventualy found my wife's g-spot. It turns out her sister had it all the time.

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By *eaboMan
over a year ago

marden

my new girlfriend told me that after an orgasm she likes to cuddle and talk. i said i usualy delete my browsing history and throw the tissues in the bin.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I recently came into some money after shutting my cock in a cash till...

My wife said "I want some money" so I replied "Lick my arse I have piles..."

I asked my friend why women prefer circumcised men. She said us blondes can't resist anything with 10% off...

I used to be schizophrenic but after councelling we are alright now....

Man and girlfriend were horny as hell and just got down to it right there and then not realising they were on a level crossing! A train driver was approaching the crossing and slammed on the brakes stopping 6 feet from the guy's bobbing arse. "Why the fook didn't you get out of the way?" he shouts. "Well man, I am a coming, she is a coming and you are a coming. But you's the only one with brakes..."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife got very annoyed when she said her sister had told her she had seen me on Fabswingers. I just said "Well I changed my name and location and hid my face. But she must have recognised my cock"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A blonde pays £1000 for a new handbag. Her husband goes mad. So she explains "Well the man in the shop told me it was made of penis skin and when I rub it it will turn into a suitcase.."

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

Why did the dog shoot the hunter??

Because it was a gun dog...

Made it up when I was 10....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why did the dog shoot the hunter??

Because it was a gun dog...

Made it up when I was 10....

Care to make up some filthy jokes? I am sure the minds will think of something to laugh about over a nice meal ...

Now if she says No its in Thread and a joke but if she says Yes then ....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i was walking home from the pub the other night when i needed a call of nature! i wasnt wanting to do it against a wall so hunted about until i found an empty beer can!

i was halfway thru when a police car pulled up and stopped me, im now being charged with posession of canapiss!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Young lad was sent home from school after peeing in the deep end.

The dad phones the Headmaster and asks "Why? Everyone pees in the swimming pool!"

The Headmaster replies "Maybe. But not from the top diving board..."

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Ed Milliband and Yvetter Cooper

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday.

I was so fuckin angry!

What sort of a sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just finished reading a book called "How to get rich quickly" the author was Rob D. Bank

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ed Milliband and Yvetter Cooper

Ahh the Master and Mistress of Selective Amnesia.

OMG...just had a very bad vision of them in a Domme / Sub situation.....

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

"Mummy where do babies come from?"

"Well daddies make a liquid called sperm and put it inside mummies"

"Do mummies eat it?"

'Only if they want new shoes.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

how do you make a suger puff?

chase it round the garden!

whats green, got 6 legs and if it fell out a tree it would kill you!

a snooker table!

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

bloke was holding a fancy dress party, the theme was emotions.

first knock on the door, and a man walks in dressed in green 'im jelousy' he proclaimed, and walked in.

next a woman in red ' im anger' she says, and in she comes

a thrid one in yellow ' im cowardice' he says, and in he goes.

after a while there is a knock on the door, and the guy opens it to be greeted by a pair of big black fellows, completely naked, except for 1 had his penis in a pice of fruit, and the other had a can of Birds strapped to his appendage.

'what the hell have you 2 come as?' the host asked.

the first said 'im in Dis pear'

and the second 'and im fuckin dis custard'

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

3 cross eyed guys go to court and end up in front of a cross eyed judge.

'whats your name?' the judge asked the first guy

'mac' said the 2nd.

'i didnt ask you!' said th judge

'i didnt say a fuckin thing!' said the 3rd

so the judge gave the jury 3 months for contempt of court.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Went out last night and got proper wasted. I woke up next to this sweaty fat bird who was snoring and farting.

I thought 'thank fuck for that, at least I made it home.'

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher,

with smart wit,

using a knife,

he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter,

strong and bold,

with a hammer and chisel,

he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor,

tall and thin,

by using red velvet,

he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter,

short and stout,

with a piece of fox fur,

he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman,

nasty as hell,

threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher,

whose name was McGee,

he touched it and blessed it,

and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor,

dirty little runt,

he sucked it and fucked it,

and called it a cunt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little red riding hood is skipping through the woods when she see's the big bad wolf behind a tree,,"my what big eyes you have" says the girl,,"fuck off im trying to have a shit" says the wolf

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The job interviewer asked "What's your full name?"

"Its John Fucking Bastard Twat Fuck Piss Flaps Parker"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's John?"

"No, but the vicar at my christening did""

hahahaha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to buy a pair of camoflouge pants the other day biut see any

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Couple driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up," wife says "But it's all wet and it stinks," he says "Well hold

the badgers fucking nose then!"

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Dog: Do you know what a Shitzu is?

Duck: One without any animals?

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, she said mine was the biggest cock she'd ever had her hands on.

I said you're pulling my leg.....

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Baz your jokes always crack me up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriends sister knocked me clean out the other day. I was so angry I mean what sort of a sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers then?

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

Due to the drought and threat of water shortages Dublin swimming pool have closed lanes 7 and 8

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why have elephants got big ears

Cause noddy wouldn't pay the ransom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why have giraffes got long necks

Cause there feet smell rotten

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

ALZHEIMERS or PARKINSONS,, Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course! Better to spill half your beer than forget where the Fuck you put it!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Kate was a prostitute but didn't want her gran to know. One day the police raided the brothel and lined up the girls outside.

Kate's gran was passing by, to cover up Kate said "We're waiting in line for free oranges" Her gran decided to wait for some free oranges too.

The police eventually reached gran to question her.

"How do you do it at your age?"

"Oh I just take my teeth out,

pull back the skin and suck em dry..."

(closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why do men snore when they sleep on their backs?.. because their balls drop over their assholes and block the airway to the brain...

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.

The i-Tit will cost £399 and is regarded a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"why do men snore when they sleep on their backs?.. because their balls drop over their assholes and block the airway to the brain...

"
. that made me LOL

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dog: Do you know what a Shitzu is?

Duck: One without any animals?"
. very good lol

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

My neighbour said to me today:" how come you have so many cars?""Well," I said "The wife and I have been doing a bit of swinging recently""Oh right" he said sheepishly "Do a lot of them stay over then?""No" I said "It's just that every time she pulls a set of keys out of the hat, the owner f#%ks off"

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

Man Utd dressing roo b4 KO on Monday. 'Right lads we should've had this title wrapped up but we've been sloppy. We can't let these blue cunts snatch it now because they'll never let us live it down. They stung us on the Munich anniversary & stuffed us 6-1. I don't care what you do punch, elbow, push, pull, kick or dive get the fuck out there & get it done!' At this point Ferguson steps in 'Cheers ref I'll take it from here!'.

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Just got back from my mates funeral.

He died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service....

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform he finally decided.....

If she can't hold down a fucking job she's not for him!

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

Andy Carroll has just found out his wife has been sleeping with several premiership goal keepers. When asked he commented 'I wouldn't put anything past them bastards'.

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text claiming she loves anal.

dyslexic bitch, it turns out she loves Alan, my best mate...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I walked into the pub and saw two larger ladies sat at the bar chatting. Both had strong accents.

"Are you two ladies from Scotland?" I asked innocently.

"Wales" they jointly replied, looking at me in discust!!!

Ok "Are you two Whales from Scotland?" I tried again!

"Feck Off" was their reply.

(closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Thieves in the kitchen

Wife says to her husband: Wake up Some thieves have broken into our house i think they are now eating the food I made last night.

Husband said oh shit you should phone the ambulance then.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams

"I'm not dead, Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters

"Too fucking late pal, the paperworks already done."

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Little boy gets home from school and says, "Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years." His dad replies,

"Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a fuckin speaking part."

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Penis Poem.

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout!

Time was on it's own accord, from my trousers it would spring, But now I've got a job to even find the fuckin thing.

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang it's little head and watch me tie my shoes.

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Medical breakthrough,

The National blood service is now using chicken blood in transfusions.

It makes Men more cocky and Women easier to lay!

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By *hropshire69Couple
over a year ago

Telford

A copper comes across a pissed up Paddy crawling along a railway track. Copper says "What the fuck are you doing?" Paddy looks up and says. "Oh thank the fuck for that can you help me off this fucking ladder" !!

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By *andnlancsCouple
over a year ago

North

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Heard this one on 'Come Dine With Me' yesterday.

A white horse goes into a bar and asks the barman for a whisky. The barman says 'thats funny, I have a whisky named after you' The horse looks at him and say 'what, Ernie?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 men with speech impediments are in therapy. Therapist is blonde, petite & fit as fuck. She says

"If you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll suck your cock & u can cum in my mouth."

First one stammers "B B B Birmingham." Next one stammers

"M M M Manchester." The 3rd one, Paddy, stands up composes himself & says, "London..."

She gets his cock out & gives him the best blow job he's ever had.

As he cums he sighs, "...d d d d derry!"

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Sex Therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to lick his ears.

Personally I think it's bollocks......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This morning the French people are waking up to a new President.

Meanwhile, Carla Bruni's waking up next to an unemployed French midget.

I give it six months.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

The new Titanic movie is out.

Shot in 3D, Better quality, More detail, Sharper clearer images.

Maybe they'll see the fucking iceberg

this time!!

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Just got back from the hospital.

They reckon I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis - but at the moment it's hard to say......

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By *usty2001Man
over a year ago

bolton

[Removed by poster at 09/05/12 08:58:06]

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By *usty2001Man
over a year ago

bolton

A lttle boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"

His dad explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".

"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".

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By *he WabbitsCouple
over a year ago

Bromsgrove

"a woman moans at her man for peeing on the bathroom carpet. So she sets up a website to help him stop doing it. she calls it... www./fowardslash.co.uk"

Love that lmao.

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By *lassic1Man
over a year ago

bellshill

My dad worked as a roadman for over twenty years when he got sacked for stealing.....I could not believe it but when I got home all the signs were there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" The new Titanic movie is out.

Shot in 3D, Better quality, More detail, Sharper clearer images.

Maybe they'll see the fucking iceberg

this time!!"

Class!!

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

I love Google earth. I always use it to check if there are parking spaces at work before leaving the house.

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By *kmale421Man
over a year ago

wirral

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle George.

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle George.

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.

A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle George?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says

'Swimming pool? ............

Is this 001486-55731 ?

No, I think you have the wrong number........

(closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are womens holes so close together

So you can carry them home like a six pack

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

I saw a prostitute with no arms the other day, I asked her if it affected her work in any way.

She said she couldn't give a toss.

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to

a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.. 'How

dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm

leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least let me tell

you what happened'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to

me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into thecar to drive home, and

this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and

defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good cleanup, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had

for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you

don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear

just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive

boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my

understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with

tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Little Johnny strikes again.

A teacher was talking about marriage in class...Teacher:

What kind of wife do you like johnny?:

I want a wife like the moon.....

Teacher: Wow what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon Johnny, No I want her to cum at night and fucking disappear in the morning..

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Hi Mate;) I don't want you to panic but i'm texting from casualty....

Turns out the new Dyson ball Cleaner

isn't what I thought it was....

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

There has been a explosion in a london pie factory. the death toll has been recorded at..............3.141592

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy

Two dyslexics sitting in the back of a car, one says

"can you smell petrol"

"petrol...I can't even smell my name"

Swine flu

Warning. If you get an email saying tinned pork causes swine flu,delete it as it is only spam

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on....

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'Yeah I've been ill'.

A mate of mine was telling me he's been shagging twins.i said "How can you tell the difference?"...."Easy" he said," Her brothers got a moustache

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Paddy and Mick are in the pub talking about their sex lives, Paddy boasts "The wife and me shag like rabbits every night." "You lucky bastard" replies Mick," I only get it once a month and I call it the 'Bruce Lee Night." "Why the fuck do you call it that?" asks Paddy, Mick replies "Because it's the night I enter the fucking dragon!!!"

(closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Caught a bloke with his cock in a jar of mayonnaise,

I thought fuckin Helmann!"

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

A racist, an adulterer and a footballer walk into a bar.

The barman says "hello John"

(closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are two sides to every story:

Her side:-

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!

So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side:

Lost at rugby today. Got a shag though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "do you have any bread?"

Barman says "no" but the duck does not believe him and asks again, "got any bread.?"

"No" said the barman again thinking he was just unheard the first time.

"Got any bread?" said the duck

"NO!!" Said the barman

"Got any bread?" said the duck

"NO!!!!!!" Said the barman

The duck is about to ask him again and the barman stops him and says, "If you ask once more if I have any break I am going to nail your beak to the bar"

The duck replies "Got any nails?"

Barman says "No"

"Got any Bread?"

(closed, thread got too big)

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and says "I'll have a beer and a gin and tonic for my friend Dave". Dave the giraffe drinks the g&t and promptly collapses. The guy drinks his beer and gets up to leave but the barman says "Here, you can't leave that lyin' here."

The guy says.... "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Me and my mate were going to a fancy dress party as a pair of boobs. I arrived on time but he didn't show.

I looked like a right tit

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

Two rabbits eating toasted sandwiches..

The first rabbit sticks to eating a ham and cheese sandwich.

The second rabbit tries a ham and cheese sandwich.. and then tries a cheese and tomato sandwich...

The second rabbit is halfway through his second sandwich when he suddenly collapses and starts to writhe in pain..

"Whats wrong"? asks the first rabbit..

with his last breath, the second rabbit replies...."Mixing my toasties"

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By *eaverfeverCouple
over a year ago

nr Manchester

a man goes to the doctors and say's to the doctor I'm worried that my wife either has aids or alzimers and i just dont know what to do the doctor replies send her to the shop for a loaf of bread and if she comes back your Fucked

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Sorry for this eye roller.

Late one Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning the

corner.

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly . . . It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP......BUMP.....BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair......

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...

The coffin gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges. The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.....

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached into his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......

Still it came .......

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........

Still it came......

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

He grabbed his Boots first aid kit and threw it .....

Still it came......

BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...

He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped . . .

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Studies have proven the reason women don't fart as much as men is that they can't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up pressure in their arse.

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Marriage is like a deck of cards....in the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. The Muslim asked the driver to turn off the radio because by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music . The driver politely switched off the radio stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab asked the driver "What are you doing?" The driver answered "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis either so fuck off and wait for a camel".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Priest and Nun on a camel in the Sahara desert, the camel drops dead leaving them doomed, realising their fate the priest asks the Nun to expose her tits , she agrees providing he exposes his cock.

they fondle each other and the priest gets an erection.

you know if i put this in the right place i can create life said the priest

right said the Nun stick it up the camels arse and lets get the fuck out of here!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

what would you rather B or a Wasp ?

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By *lim rizlaMan
over a year ago

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

#1 CHEESEBURGER: £2.50

#2 CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50

#3 HAND-JOB: £10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and calls to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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By *imonandLisaCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Q Why don't little old ladies have smear tests? A Have you ever tried to crack open a cheese toastie??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Q Why don't little old ladies have smear tests? A Have you ever tried to crack open a cheese toastie??

That's terrible lol..

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

seen this off a jimmy carr clip on youtube, so please dont ban me, ban him... lol.

how do you get a gay to shag a woman?

shit in her pussy!

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Been browsing sickipedia again.....

I met a guy in the pub. We chatted and got d*unk and I ended up at his.

"Listen," he said, "I'm not very experienced and, when I'm with a girl for the first time, I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."

"Well, we can take it slow, babe," I winked. "How premature?"

"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"

"Yeah?"

"Then."

My cat's been diagnosed with schizophrenia. The mad hairy bastard's got 45 lives now.

Over the past week, I've seen a chinese bloke in a suit and bowler hat cut next door's lawn, trim their hedge and paint the garage door. He must be their odd job man

My boyfriend reckons I've got OCD, but I told him 32 times I'm fine. Then I went and tidied my sock drawer

Wow what a day. Ive won the spanish lottery. Got 3 million euros in a swiss vault for only a ten grand admin fee.

Become business partners with some friendly Nigerian chaps. A helpful Indian guy phoned up out of the blue

to fix my computer. Now some lovely Irish guys have offered to resurface my drive and fix the roof I didnt know

was leaking.

Now to buy some Facebook shares.......

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

In a survey, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape

I'll get my coat

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

Q/ what's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A/ a slut fucks everyone at the party. A bitch fucks everyone except YOU

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares earlier today.

Going for a shit could spell trouble.

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

I saw a young girl collapse in the town centre so I ran over and gave mouth to mouth resuscitation. It didn't work so I started pumping her chest.

It probably wasn't the best time for a tit wank but what the hell.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My apologies if this one has already been posted but there are so many on here .... which make me pmsl!!!!!!

A Daddy Bull and his son were standing at the top of a farmers field. In the hollow at the bottom were 30 or so mature, horny cows.

"Dad" said the son "why don't we charge down the hill and fuck ourselves a cow each???"

The Father Bull sighed, looked round at his over-eager son and said...

"When are you going to listen to your Dad? Lets WALK down..... and fuck the lot!!!!!!!????????"

(I thank you

)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the "clio" and "taurus" they have designed the clitaurus. It comes in pink, the average male car thief won't be able to find it let alone turn it on. Rumour has it thought that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a bitch to start in the mornings.

A 95yr old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at the hospital. He turns up 2days later with the jar empty. Nurse asks "why no sample?" He says "sorry but I tried with my right hand, then my left, then my wife tried with both hands, then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, then we got Ethel from next door to try but it was no good we just couldn't get the fucking lid off.

A jellybaby walks into the doctors with liquorice stuck to his willy. The doctor asks "what the hell have you been up to?" The jellybaby replies "fucking allsorts"

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgium beer, then on the way home grabbing an Idian curry or a Turkish kebab to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV and most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh and only in Britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do banks have both doors open but chain pens to the desk. Supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of the shop. We might be British but fuck were funny.

For my sons birthday we bought him an iPod and he was really pleased. My daughter had an iPhone for hers and was over the moon. For my birthday I was pleased to receive and iPad. Thiinking along the same lines I bought my an iRon, well talk about ungrateful....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dustman calls to collect Dustbin. He knocks on the door and a Chinese man comes out. Where’s your bin...? Chinese man says I bin in the bedroom, Dustman says No where is your dust bin, Chinese man says I just told you I Dust bin in the bedroom. Dustman says NO where is your wheelie bin, Chinese man say ok I wheelie been having a wank.

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Felt a bit of an arsehole today..... Fucking cheap loo roll.

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor. "The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.

"No." says the doctor, "She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!"

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By *arnayguyMan
over a year ago

Durham Tees

"A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor. "The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.

"No." says the doctor, "She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face!"

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

I saw a young girl collapse in the town centre so I ran over and gave mouth to mouth resuscitation. It didn't work so I started pumping her chest.

It probably wasn't the best time for a tit wank but what the hell.

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the Embankment near Westminster. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the members of parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom, otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, " the driver asks.

"It varies but on average about a gallon."

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I was at the airport trying to get to my plane when a sniffer dog pounced on my bag. Tearing it apart in an unstoppable frenzy, he caused the contents to spill out.

Customs officials confiscated three roadkill crows, one rotting hedgehog and a flat badger.

That's my carrion luggage fucked.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was at the airport trying to get to my plane when a sniffer dog pounced on my bag. Tearing it apart in an unstoppable frenzy, he caused the contents to spill out.

Customs officials confiscated three roadkill crows, one rotting hedgehog and a flat badger.

That's my carrion luggage fucked.

Like it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lying in bed with a girl and she said shag me like my dad does, What a thing for my sister to say

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Heaven and Hell

Heaven Is Where:

The French are the chefs

The Italians are the lovers

The British are the police

The Germans are the mechanics

And the Swiss make everything run on time

Hell is Where:

The British are the chefs

The Swiss are the lovers

The French are the mechanics

The Italians make everything run on time

And the Germans are the police

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I have truly sinned, I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

The altar boy said, "a Snickers bar and a Coke."

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By *lumsy colinMan
over a year ago

basingstoke

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you sure you haven't just watched "Dumb And Dumber" too many times?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was at the airport trying to get to my plane when a sniffer dog pounced on my bag. Tearing it apart in an unstoppable frenzy, he caused the contents to spill out.

Customs officials confiscated three roadkill crows, one rotting hedgehog and a flat badger.

That's my carrion luggage fucked.

Like it!

'Hello.... is that Ryanair...?'

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By *abloBackMan
over a year ago

London

Didier Drogba leaving Chelsea has resulted in the club having to release 4 medical staff 2 stretcher bearers & a drama teacher!

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By *eminiman61Man
over a year ago

mansfield

When asked how big my cock was I replied 3 inch but it smells like a foot

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By *eminiman61Man
over a year ago

mansfield

A joke with a moral I like this joke/story......

This Turkey wanted to get to the top of a big oak tree,one day he was trying in vain to get to the first branch when he heard the bull say eat my crap it's full of nutrients it'll soon get you up there

The Turkey thort that's discusting but tried a little bit he couldn't believe it he got onto the first branch

Every day he ate a little more after 2 Weeks he finally got to the top

He shouted down bull look I did it.....the farmer saw n heard the Turkey n aimed his shotgun into the air n shot the Turkey dead

The moral

Bullshit might get u2 the top but it won't keep you ther

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