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Women's self-perception

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip

There are numerous beautiful women on this site and indeed in this world. I hear frequently how much some women have really negative views of the way they look and it makes me genuinely sad. I had such a conversation with somebody very recently and there is one lady in particular (you know who you are) who slags herself off on her profile and the forum, but I think they are both just beautiful all over.

Where does this come from? How much of it is internal (you naturally feel you would like to be something you aren't) and how much is external (society, media, friends, family etc. make you feel bad for not confirming to standards they establish even if they don't live up to it themselves)?

Is there anything that can be done about it (realistic or not)? Does your view of yourself change or is it constant? How much does it affect your life? Are you lucky enough to escape it?

Luke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The media is to blame for a lot of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Grown up being bullied about my looks. Facebook pages were made about me, I ‘won’ awards at school for being so ugly, food thrown at me, stuff wrote about me on toilet walls, abuse shouted at me down corridors etc.

Now I don’t give a fuck. I like the way I look. Fuck ‘em.

I used to put on a whole ‘well I love myself so fuck what they think’ fake persona. It just sunk in.

I used to (and sometimes still do) tell myself three nice things about my looks and my personality in the mirror every day.

I encourage my friends to do the same thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most of the pressure comes from other women, men generally don’t give a shit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Most of the pressure comes from other women, men generally don’t give a shit"

Usually.

But most of the abuse I received growing up was from boys/men (yep, men. So wonderful).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Most of the pressure comes from other women, men generally don’t give a shit"

I actually almost agree with you!

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By *aven RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Most of the pressure comes from other women, men generally don’t give a shit

I actually almost agree with you!

"

I agree with this. I think women can be really harsh with each other, most not all though x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's hard to see yourself how others do.

I get a fair amount of compliments on here and it just makes me laugh because I look in the mirror and see the same old average Rubi who isn't the sexy vixen I try to portray on here. Other people assume I am actually as "sexy" as my photos suggest day to day.

With that in mind I also compare myself to others who like me are portraying their sexy side in photos and in attitude and I make the assumption that others do with me, I therefore don't compare.

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

It comes from various directions and in very different forms.

Mine was from being bullied as a fatty at school and from magazines with only slim and beautiful models.

When compliments are received it’s difficult to accept them as being genuine.

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By *museBouche31Woman
over a year ago

Reigate


"Grown up being bullied about my looks. Facebook pages were made about me, I ‘won’ awards at school for being so ugly, food thrown at me, stuff wrote about me on toilet walls, abuse shouted at me down corridors etc.

Now I don’t give a fuck. I like the way I look. Fuck ‘em.

I used to put on a whole ‘well I love myself so fuck what they think’ fake persona. It just sunk in.

I used to (and sometimes still do) tell myself three nice things about my looks and my personality in the mirror every day.

I encourage my friends to do the same thing. "

This . .

It’s really hard to reject a viewpoint when you are told repeatedly how you are and what you are.

Observing yourself and commenting positively on yourself, is a really helpful way to change your internal thought processes. It’s tough to change what has become a habitual or default setting.

But worth the daily effort.

Everyone is beautiful in one way or another. And we are all deserving of love and physical affection.

:*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've always had body confidence issues. I was picked on in school, was the girl that got treated like a leper by boys, never got picked to dance, got joke valentine's day cards and asked out as a prank.

In high school it was pretty similar and I didn't really date until I was in 3/4th year. Partners cheated on me, dumped me for being ugly, frigid etc etc.

I was anorexic up until I was 16, went on birth control and gained masses of weight, became obese, got stretch marks everywhere, body confidence got significantly worse. Managed to lose 2 stone. Still covered in stretch marks and still unhealthy/in the obese range.

I think most of my lack of confidence comes from bullying from other kids and my mum and also women in media.

I hate my body, so much so in day to day life I hide under baggy shirts and unflattering clothing, that pretty much give me no shape and give no hint of weight/body type.

I look at my body most of the time and feel disgusted and depressed.

~Mia

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your comments make me sad as you are clearly a very beautiful, sexy woman with great taste in lingerie too. Why sad? It never ceases to amaze me to hear the huge impact and influence our so called ‘loved ones’ have on our self confidence and how we see ourselves. It’s a lottery really, totally out of our control.

Get help. See a therapist. Talk to someone. You’ve done this for long enough and it’s time to change.

Sending you virtual hugs and strength.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Childhood baggage, the media, shitty relationships, society

There’s a lot of pressure to achieve an ideal based on a figure most people don’t have after their younger adult years. Now filters and photo shop and social media mean the skewed perception of how people should look is even worse. Self acceptance is hard and amongst women if you find it sometimes you are seen as vain or conceited.

It’s a tricky multi layered issue. I’ve been battling it forever and someone can say I’m beautiful and I still say my personality is my best feature. -Mrs ( obviously)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've always had body confidence issues. I was picked on in school, was the girl that got treated like a leper by boys, never got picked to dance, got joke valentine's day cards and asked out as a prank.

In high school it was pretty similar and I didn't really date until I was in 3/4th year. Partners cheated on me, dumped me for being ugly, frigid etc etc.

I was anorexic up until I was 16, went on birth control and gained masses of weight, became obese, got stretch marks everywhere, body confidence got significantly worse. Managed to lose 2 stone. Still covered in stretch marks and still unhealthy/in the obese range.

I think most of my lack of confidence comes from bullying from other kids and my mum and also women in media.

I hate my body, so much so in day to day life I hide under baggy shirts and unflattering clothing, that pretty much give me no shape and give no hint of weight/body type.

I look at my body most of the time and feel disgusted and depressed.

~Mia"

You are beautiful. I relate to this so much and I’ve come a long way, I even left the house in clothes that fit 3 times recently! You can do this, get help if you need to. You deserve to loved exactly as you are, especially by yourself.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Leaving aside the women who have esteem issues due to upbringing, abuse because that is difficult to overcome, I think the media has a lot to answer for. However there has been pressure on women to look a certain way since time immemorial.

A lot of the comments about not being good enough that you see on fab though are designed to attract compliments. It's true to say that the women who are happy with themselves and aren't afraid to say so will often be mocked while those who profess to hate the way they look will be showered with compliments and told to love themselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Leaving aside the women who have esteem issues due to upbringing, abuse because that is difficult to overcome, I think the media has a lot to answer for. However there has been pressure on women to look a certain way since time immemorial.

A lot of the comments about not being good enough that you see on fab though are designed to attract compliments. It's true to say that the women who are happy with themselves and aren't afraid to say so will often be mocked while those who profess to hate the way they look will be showered with compliments and told to love themselves. "

I am unsure that it’s fair to say it’s designed to get compliments. For some it’s a behaviour that is not a conscious choice and the attention makes them feel better. I put myself down often and not so people tell me that I am pretty. I try not to, but it’s hard when you struggle with self love and acceptance and clearly many do.

I don’t think it’s a manipulative tool for attention for most, the same as men aren’t fishing when they say they’re ugly or average looking. Sometimes it’s self deprecating and sometimes it’s low self esteem. If someone does need compliments for reassurance, and they’re seeking them maybe throw some their way.

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip

CurvyScot97

That makes me very sad. You should not have been treated so badly. Those people we cruel and wrong. You look amazing on your profile. If you were in the office I work in I'd think you were gorgeous whatever you wear to hide yourself. I wish I could do something that would improve your self-perception.

AmuseBouche31

Hello, fellow Reigater. That's where I work and will be moving to next month.

Who tells you these things and why? I agree, everybody has beauty.

Deliciouslady

You also look fantastic. It's a shame genuine compliments don't give you the pleasure many women get from being told they are beautiful. It's terrible people were so brutal to you at school. I can see you look wonderful. I wish I could convey that to you in a way that could get past your self-image.

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip

Cageytigers

I have looked through your photos and think you have a beautiful, sexy body. If I saw you in clothes that fit (as you put it) you would definitely be a head-turner for me. It sounds a bit shallow to just talk about your body but that's all I've seen and it looks glorious.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Childhood issues, crap family. Horrible manipulative men. Almost as horrible women. The media. Fashion (skinny jeans came in around 2002, haven't left, and my naturally, at every size, big muscular thighs went from different to "can't dress normally, freak").

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip

That's a shame. I've seen your profile photos several times and often thought how good you look. You even look great in your non-skinny jeans photos.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"That's a shame. I've seen your profile photos several times and often thought how good you look. You even look great in your non-skinny jeans photos. "

Thank you. I'm getting there. But Jesus it's been a lot of work.

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

What’s really horrible about this kind of thing is that after a while we don’t need other people to tell us we’re ugly, because we tell ourselves

Be a bit more kind to yourself, it’ll do you good and doesn’t even cost anything

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.

Some of it from my mother. Some of it is from the joys of my hybrid heritage and different cultural beauty ideals. School - the school I went to slim and white and horsey with a mane of straight haie was the beauty ideal and norm for which I was so far removed. A twat of an ex. But now I'm starting to develop self worth. Yes I have the odd wobble and think "how could anyone find me attractive" but I'm finding more often now I can look at myself in the mirror and think "yes Meli, you're pretty fucking sexy cute".

When I post about feeling a bit , not attractive, it's not wanting compliments. It's more just stream of consciousness-ing my self doubt and worry.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"What’s really horrible about this kind of thing is that after a while we don’t need other people to tell us we’re ugly, because we tell ourselves

Be a bit more kind to yourself, it’ll do you good and doesn’t even cost anything "

And other people tell you how nice you look and you don't believe them.

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By *assing Fancies xCouple
over a year ago

Sherwood Forest

I have alway been comfortable in myself, I'm now a size 10 again but 2 years ago I went up to a size 16. At no point did I feel uncomfortable or unsexy (my hubby always made me feel sexy and instilled confidence in me) the way other people look and the way they think of me isn't all that important. Being comfortable and having confidence in your own skin is the most important thing to me

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By *moothdickMan
over a year ago

stoke

All I can say is after looking at _eli’s and swings profiles and pic... beautiful and I’d love to tantalise the both of u with honest compliments and kisses

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I've been a skinny size 10 and up to nearly a 24 as an adult. Confidence has become to come when I started living myself. I was probably at my least confident at a size 10.

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


""yes Meli, you're pretty fucking sexy cute"."

Curiosly, I have thought exactly this often.

You know I compliment you at most available opportunities. I think you know I'm genuine. I'd like to think it might have some counter-effect to days when your mind tells you that you are not as beautiful as you clearly are.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I’ve always been self conscious about my height because it has frequently brought unwelcome attention from men, especially in my teens. Looking older than my years i was often subjected to sexually suggestive comments.

Growing up my gramp, lovely man that he was, was the first to comment if i was looking podgy. My mum was constantly watching her weight and was never happy with her appearance and would be quick to tell me to watch what i ate.

Unfortunately it washed over me. I have always loved my food and loathed exercise.

Whilst i have yo yo dieted (losing 7 stone at one point in my 20’s) i never quite stuck at the healthy eating and my weight has stayed at my current weight since i had my youngest.

These days i’m over listening to other people’s opinions about my height, looks and size. I am who i am, life is too short and too precious to waste it looking in the mirror and finding fault with my appearance. It really, really is.

And besides, nobody is perfect.

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"I have alway been comfortable in myself, I'm now a size 10 again but 2 years ago I went up to a size 16. At no point did I feel uncomfortable or unsexy (my hubby always made me feel sexy and instilled confidence in me) the way other people look and the way they think of me isn't all that important. Being comfortable and having confidence in your own skin is the most important thing to me "

That's really pleading to read. I wish more women could feel that way about themselves.

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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago

Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro

We are all insecure about something at sometime in our lives. I've had to many to mention on here throughout my life.

For me it's about self acceptance not thinking what if (I was taller) etc. If your not happy with something about you then actively look to change it.

I've been overweight, I've been in a abusive relationships and my childhood was nothing other than awful due to my father.

Dont live a life of I'm a victim your all worth more than that and take back control it's not easy but we all have it within us somewhere. You just have to find that strength taking small steps.

For me, being the best I can be with that I have is the best I can do. Exercise is an important part of my wellbeing both physically and mentally.

Loving my family unconditionally and the love I receive back makes me the person I am today.

Just need to find my plus one. God knows where he is hiding.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some of it from my mother. Some of it is from the joys of my hybrid heritage and different cultural beauty ideals. School - the school I went to slim and white and horsey with a mane of straight haie was the beauty ideal and norm for which I was so far removed. A twat of an ex. But now I'm starting to develop self worth. Yes I have the odd wobble and think "how could anyone find me attractive" but I'm finding more often now I can look at myself in the mirror and think "yes Meli, you're pretty fucking sexy cute".

When I post about feeling a bit , not attractive, it's not wanting compliments. It's more just stream of consciousness-ing my self doubt and worry."

This resonates with me as well.

I have loads of self worth. It’s just not to do with my appearance. I’m confident in personality, lots of things about myself just never was the same as those around me, those in my family and the messages stay even if you’re not a victim. It’s ok to be transparent about having a day when you need a boost. You are very pretty.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"Most of the pressure comes from other women, men generally don’t give a shit

Usually.

But most of the abuse I received growing up was from boys/men (yep, men. So wonderful). "

High School in particular is often a whole different kettle of fish. It's not about attraction or appearance often. It's often more about social status. In my 20s I've had guys I went to school with tell me they found me attractive in school. However in school the boys took the piss out of each other by saying I fancied them or that I was their girlfriend. They took the piss out of my clothes and called me the grudge because of my long dark hair and used to make the noise at me. Some of them used to tell me they liked me then laugh at me with their friends for believing it. I've even had a guy say to me in a bar in recent years " you were one of those girls who was hot but a swot so you just couldn't go there".

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By *onny_n_RoseCouple
over a year ago

Rotherham

I genuinely dont give a fuck, I know that for 43 I have a good body, not perfect, but I've raised three kids.

If people look at me and scoff that's their issue not mine - I know that most women my age who have something to say when I oput a bikini pic on fb are just jealous.

We're only here one and unless we've got loads of money for cosmetic procedures we have to make the most of it and be thankful for what we've been given x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Liking yourself first has got to be one of the most important things in life but all to often others play a part in loss of confidence husbands, wives, bosses, friends etc I'm a great believer in complimenting face to face, here more difficult because they the women think it's just so you can get in their knickers and mostly it is........ So reverse psychology tell them you're wanting to get in their knickers once that's established then compliment them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After many yrs of put downs and mental abuse from late husband its hard to see myself as anything other than a fatty etc.....but least i dont go around in massive over sized black or white t shirts which was what i ended up wearing most of my marriage.i like compliments but i do find it hard to believe them.especially if its from someone i havent met.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"After many yrs of put downs and mental abuse from late husband its hard to see myself as anything other than a fatty etc.....but least i dont go around in massive over sized black or white t shirts which was what i ended up wearing most of my marriage.i like compliments but i do find it hard to believe them.especially if its from someone i havent met."
Hey you must be getting more confident now though?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"After many yrs of put downs and mental abuse from late husband its hard to see myself as anything other than a fatty etc.....but least i dont go around in massive over sized black or white t shirts which was what i ended up wearing most of my marriage.i like compliments but i do find it hard to believe them.especially if its from someone i havent met.Hey you must be getting more confident now though? "
why must i?. Im more open than i was and wear things i wouldn't then but i still get the same feelings about myself as i did then

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By *ikerswingCouple
over a year ago

mcr


"Grown up being bullied about my looks. Facebook pages were made about me, I ‘won’ awards at school for being so ugly, food thrown at me, stuff wrote about me on toilet walls, abuse shouted at me down corridors etc.

Now I don’t give a fuck. I like the way I look. Fuck ‘em.

I used to put on a whole ‘well I love myself so fuck what they think’ fake persona. It just sunk in.

I used to (and sometimes still do) tell myself three nice things about my looks and my personality in the mirror every day.

I encourage my friends to do the same thing. "
you look stunning .if only kids could understand you grow into your features and looks as you get older

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

School was awful when I got to about 14. I was the joker, the silly one, never really recognised as a young woman! Bullied by the girls because I was small and skinny, told I wasn't a 'normal' girl, called ironing board, flatmate, fried egg on white toast! Throughout my adult life, even as a gym manager I was on the receiving end of offensive comments from grown women because I'm slim!

I turned 40 and it was like a eureka moment! I didn't need their approval to be happy, I just needed mine! 8 years on and I'm happier than ever in my own skin!

Peach x

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury


"After many yrs of put downs and mental abuse from late husband its hard to see myself as anything other than a fatty etc.....but least i dont go around in massive over sized black or white t shirts which was what i ended up wearing most of my marriage.i like compliments but i do find it hard to believe them.especially if its from someone i havent met."

This however mine ex is sadly not late and still puts me down at every opportunity.

Short, fat, ugly , useless to name a few.

The media doesn't help nor strangers giving you that ' your not worth it' ' what do you think you look like' kind of look.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"After many yrs of put downs and mental abuse from late husband its hard to see myself as anything other than a fatty etc.....but least i dont go around in massive over sized black or white t shirts which was what i ended up wearing most of my marriage.i like compliments but i do find it hard to believe them.especially if its from someone i havent met.Hey you must be getting more confident now though? why must i?. Im more open than i was and wear things i wouldn't then but i still get the same feelings about myself as i did then"
really how long has that been then?

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"After many yrs of put downs and mental abuse from late husband its hard to see myself as anything other than a fatty etc.....but least i dont go around in massive over sized black or white t shirts which was what i ended up wearing most of my marriage.i like compliments but i do find it hard to believe them.especially if its from someone i havent met.

This however mine ex is sadly not late and still puts me down at every opportunity.

Short, fat, ugly , useless to name a few.

The media doesn't help nor strangers giving you that ' your not worth it' ' what do you think you look like' kind of look.

"

How much have you internalised these messages?

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By *nlyfun3Woman
over a year ago

NEAR Berkhamsted,Herts


"Grown up being bullied about my looks. Facebook pages were made about me, I ‘won’ awards at school for being so ugly, food thrown at me, stuff wrote about me on toilet walls, abuse shouted at me down corridors etc.

Now I don’t give a fuck. I like the way I look. Fuck ‘em.

I used to put on a whole ‘well I love myself so fuck what they think’ fake persona. It just sunk in.

I used to (and sometimes still do) tell myself three nice things about my looks and my personality in the mirror every day.

I encourage my friends to do the same thing. "

Can i say your profile looks fab as do u especially your smile.

I get where you are coming from. I was bullied years ago. But its made me stronger person for it which i believe shows itself as people remark on my confidence as sexy. Well done for coming out the other side.

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"After many yrs of put downs and mental abuse from late husband its hard to see myself as anything other than a fatty etc.....but least i dont go around in massive over sized black or white t shirts which was what i ended up wearing most of my marriage.i like compliments but i do find it hard to believe them.especially if its from someone i havent met."

Your husband was wrong.

You know my opinion of you, Kelly. I hope somewhere inside your mind it lands somewhere positive.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Leaving aside the women who have esteem issues due to upbringing, abuse because that is difficult to overcome, I think the media has a lot to answer for. However there has been pressure on women to look a certain way since time immemorial.

A lot of the comments about not being good enough that you see on fab though are designed to attract compliments. It's true to say that the women who are happy with themselves and aren't afraid to say so will often be mocked while those who profess to hate the way they look will be showered with compliments and told to love themselves.

I am unsure that it’s fair to say it’s designed to get compliments. For some it’s a behaviour that is not a conscious choice and the attention makes them feel better. I put myself down often and not so people tell me that I am pretty. I try not to, but it’s hard when you struggle with self love and acceptance and clearly many do.

I don’t think it’s a manipulative tool for attention for most, the same as men aren’t fishing when they say they’re ugly or average looking. Sometimes it’s self deprecating and sometimes it’s low self esteem. If someone does need compliments for reassurance, and they’re seeking them maybe throw some their way. "

That's why I said leaving aside women with issues due to upbringing or abuse.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool


"School was awful when I got to about 14. I was the joker, the silly one, never really recognised as a young woman! Bullied by the girls because I was small and skinny, told I wasn't a 'normal' girl, called ironing board, flatmate, fried egg on white toast! Throughout my adult life, even as a gym manager I was on the receiving end of offensive comments from grown women because I'm slim!

I turned 40 and it was like a eureka moment! I didn't need their approval to be happy, I just needed mine! 8 years on and I'm happier than ever in my own skin!

Peach x"

I've been everything from a size 6 to a size 14 in my final year of university but mostly sit at a 10/12. I swear you can't win. Almost as soon as you stop getting called anorexic for being slim you start getting called fat. Then if they're not commenting of your body it's your looks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"School was awful when I got to about 14. I was the joker, the silly one, never really recognised as a young woman! Bullied by the girls because I was small and skinny, told I wasn't a 'normal' girl, called ironing board, flatmate, fried egg on white toast! Throughout my adult life, even as a gym manager I was on the receiving end of offensive comments from grown women because I'm slim!

I turned 40 and it was like a eureka moment! I didn't need their approval to be happy, I just needed mine! 8 years on and I'm happier than ever in my own skin!

Peach x

I've been everything from a size 6 to a size 14 in my final year of university but mostly sit at a 10/12. I swear you can't win. Almost as soon as you stop getting called anorexic for being slim you start getting called fat. Then if they're not commenting of your body it's your looks. "

If it wasn't my size it was my colouring, pale, freckles and reddish hair (which incidentally I love now) Swan vesta match was the comparison!

Peach x

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"This however mine ex is sadly not late and still puts me down at every opportunity.

Short, fat, ugly , useless to name a few.

The media doesn't help nor strangers giving you that ' your not worth it' ' what do you think you look like' kind of look.

"

Buxton Red, if it's of any interest, I looked through your photos (not for the first time) and thought "Wow. Just wow."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a kid instead of educating me when I made comments about other peoples looks, which I did - I was a kid, they all do it, we all have done it - I was met with replies from my mother like

"well you're no oil painting yourself"

"You think they're funny looking, they looking in the mirror"

With my own child I would explain that everyone is different and yes, some people may have scars or other things that make them stand out, but they are just some of the beautiful things that make them unique. It's strange because I genuinely believe those things about other people yet don't seem to be able to apply that thought process to myself.

My mother would also dismiss my emotions and tell me I was wrong for feeling the way I felt about stuff, not looks, but if I was sad or angry about something. Instead of asking what was wrong and showing me comfort she would do the age old "stop your crying or I'll give you something to cry about" or if she did show "concern" it was "what you crying for?" with the air that she didn't even want to hear the answer and when I did give it to her, yep, I was wrong.

I think that's where any confidence issues began really, I felt like an inconvenience and she would say that if I was the first born child my sister would have been aborted coz she couldn't go through hassle she went through with me a second time. Kinda doesn't make you feel wanted ya know.

Well, my second serious relationship was an abusive one. Mental and at times physical.

So I spent the first 18 years of my life feeling unwanted by my mother then a further 8 years of the 11 year relationship with my ex being made to feel unworthy, like I should be thankful for the abuse, coz it meant he cared and in his words "look at the state of ya, nobody else will want ya so I'd keep your fucking mouth shut if you know what's good for ya"

That's 26 years out of almost 42 being berated for just being me.

My confidence has grown massively and I know I'm not a bad human, however I do have mental wobbles and insecurities that rear up. When couples contact us I automatically assume it's mainly for B, and that I'm the clinger-onner. I'm the area where they're "taking one for the team" but these happen if I'm feeling low in myself, if im worried about other stuff and it spills over.

P

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury


"After many yrs of put downs and mental abuse from late husband its hard to see myself as anything other than a fatty etc.....but least i dont go around in massive over sized black or white t shirts which was what i ended up wearing most of my marriage.i like compliments but i do find it hard to believe them.especially if its from someone i havent met.

This however mine ex is sadly not late and still puts me down at every opportunity.

Short, fat, ugly , useless to name a few.

The media doesn't help nor strangers giving you that ' your not worth it' ' what do you think you look like' kind of look.

How much have you internalised these messages?"

You live with it for years it becomes the norm, other events have made me feel the same.

I'm better than I was, it's a long slow process.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will put that I rarely use book face and don't twatter or instapic because I'm well aware that people only post a small portion of their lives, but when you're seeing everyone elses wonderful lives and happiness it can make you feel inferior.

I also think that women subconsciously send other women negative messages about themselves.

For example, young lady gets a spot, young lady then harps on about not wanting to go out in public and how the spot has ruined her plans because she can't be seen in public looking so hideous. Problem is she's sayin it to someone who suffers from spots... now, spot sufferer is on the receiving end subliminally that they're hideous all the time coz spots are an every day part of their life.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This however mine ex is sadly not late and still puts me down at every opportunity.

Short, fat, ugly , useless to name a few.

The media doesn't help nor strangers giving you that ' your not worth it' ' what do you think you look like' kind of look.

Buxton Red, if it's of any interest, I looked through your photos (not for the first time) and thought "Wow. Just wow.""
buxom and yes I agree I don't have a problem with size and your pics are great, it's being content in your own skin I suppose and although you can be popular here just by virtue of your sex the compliments can't be trusted, shame really

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have suffered from Body dysmorphia for many years. Having CBT has helped, but it's very difficult to shut out the little voice in my head that wants to make me feel like shit about the way i look. LJ is so patient with me. He wants me to see myself how he sees me. I don't think I'll ever get to that level, but i am improving and hopefully it will continue. I actually can't pinpoint when it started or why. It just evolved over time. In all honesty, i can't remember ever having a positive body image. On the flip side, i have confidence in my personality and strength

Holly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This however mine ex is sadly not late and still puts me down at every opportunity.

Short, fat, ugly , useless to name a few.

The media doesn't help nor strangers giving you that ' your not worth it' ' what do you think you look like' kind of look.

Buxton Red, if it's of any interest, I looked through your photos (not for the first time) and thought "Wow. Just wow."buxom and yes I agree I don't have a problem with size and your pics are great, it's being content in your own skin I suppose and although you can be popular here just by virtue of your sex the compliments can't be trusted, shame really "

It's less about being confident in your own skin.... it's about being confident in your own mind.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have suffered from Body dysmorphia for many years. Having CBT has helped, but it's very difficult to shut out the little voice in my head that wants to make me feel like shit about the way i look. LJ is so patient with me. He wants me to see myself how he sees me. I don't think I'll ever get to that level, but i am improving and hopefully it will continue. I actually can't pinpoint when it started or why. It just evolved over time. In all honesty, i can't remember ever having a positive body image. On the flip side, i have confidence in my personality and strength

Holly "
yes hey and you have a good man to keep you on track

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This however mine ex is sadly not late and still puts me down at every opportunity.

Short, fat, ugly , useless to name a few.

The media doesn't help nor strangers giving you that ' your not worth it' ' what do you think you look like' kind of look.

Buxton Red, if it's of any interest, I looked through your photos (not for the first time) and thought "Wow. Just wow."buxom and yes I agree I don't have a problem with size and your pics are great, it's being content in your own skin I suppose and although you can be popular here just by virtue of your sex the compliments can't be trusted, shame really

It's less about being confident in your own skin.... it's about being confident in your own mind.

P"
well yes that was my inference as skin doesn't think lol my skin maybe does having said that

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By *ocodoughnutgirlWoman
over a year ago

Sea of jelly and doughnuts

I started puberty quite young and at 8 years old had sizable (for that age) boobs. Thats where it started for me, girls laughed at me and boys just stared at them.

So i tended to dress in baggy clothes, was mostly a tom boy and hated dresses.

I was also very sporty and played hockey, football, rugby and was number one at school for the 100 & 800 metre track races. Also used to box a little with my dad.

So with all that even though I wasn't fat, I had big thighs, boobs and arms. All my friends were size 6/8 where I was a 12. I was called fat, ugly and made fun of for my nose and full lips.

I never dated in school or college, no one asked me out either.... Plus I was darker skinned so that was another thing to add to the list of dislikes. Colourism is a big thing in my culture and being darker wasn't seen as being beautiful. My mum is lighter and always got compliments (she also doesn't look her age) so I always felt like the fat, black ugly duckling.....

Low self esteem lead me into bad relationships, where the verbal abuse was even more damaging. So I've never felt beautiful.

I've learnt to fake my confidence and working in fashion / costume has helped me learn how to not only dress myself but others. But underneath I'm that ugly duckling pretending to be swan.

With now having a daughter, I'm now fully conscious that I have to use positive words when describing anything body/self image related as I'd like her to grow up with a positive body image.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I started puberty quite young and at 8 years old had sizable (for that age) boobs. Thats where it started for me, girls laughed at me and boys just stared at them.

So i tended to dress in baggy clothes, was mostly a tom boy and hated dresses.

I was also very sporty and played hockey, football, rugby and was number one at school for the 100 & 800 metre track races. Also used to box a little with my dad.

So with all that even though I wasn't fat, I had big thighs, boobs and arms. All my friends were size 6/8 where I was a 12. I was called fat, ugly and made fun of for my nose and full lips.

I never dated in school or college, no one asked me out either.... Plus I was darker skinned so that was another thing to add to the list of dislikes. Colourism is a big thing in my culture and being darker wasn't seen as being beautiful. My mum is lighter and always got compliments (she also doesn't look her age) so I always felt like the fat, black ugly duckling.....

Low self esteem lead me into bad relationships, where the verbal abuse was even more damaging. So I've never felt beautiful.

I've learnt to fake my confidence and working in fashion / costume has helped me learn how to not only dress myself but others. But underneath I'm that ugly duckling pretending to be swan.

With now having a daughter, I'm now fully conscious that I have to use positive words when describing anything body/self image related as I'd like her to grow up with a positive body image.

"
. So important for little girls. My daughter doesn’t hear me negative talk or discuss a diet or weight. Breaking cycles, at least we won’t compound any hangups they may develop.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have suffered from Body dysmorphia for many years. Having CBT has helped, but it's very difficult to shut out the little voice in my head that wants to make me feel like shit about the way i look. LJ is so patient with me. He wants me to see myself how he sees me. I don't think I'll ever get to that level, but i am improving and hopefully it will continue. I actually can't pinpoint when it started or why. It just evolved over time. In all honesty, i can't remember ever having a positive body image. On the flip side, i have confidence in my personality and strength

Holly yes hey and you have a good man to keep you on track "

He is amazing. I feel very lucky

Holly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I started puberty quite young and at 8 years old had sizable (for that age) boobs. Thats where it started for me, girls laughed at me and boys just stared at them.

So i tended to dress in baggy clothes, was mostly a tom boy and hated dresses.

I was also very sporty and played hockey, football, rugby and was number one at school for the 100 & 800 metre track races. Also used to box a little with my dad.

So with all that even though I wasn't fat, I had big thighs, boobs and arms. All my friends were size 6/8 where I was a 12. I was called fat, ugly and made fun of for my nose and full lips.

I never dated in school or college, no one asked me out either.... Plus I was darker skinned so that was another thing to add to the list of dislikes. Colourism is a big thing in my culture and being darker wasn't seen as being beautiful. My mum is lighter and always got compliments (she also doesn't look her age) so I always felt like the fat, black ugly duckling.....

Low self esteem lead me into bad relationships, where the verbal abuse was even more damaging. So I've never felt beautiful.

I've learnt to fake my confidence and working in fashion / costume has helped me learn how to not only dress myself but others. But underneath I'm that ugly duckling pretending to be swan.

With now having a daughter, I'm now fully conscious that I have to use positive words when describing anything body/self image related as I'd like her to grow up with a positive body image.

"

Ugly duckling pretending to be a swan. God that resonates so much with me and has actually brought a lump to my throat coz that's exactly how I feel, and it's much worse if I'm having a tough time elsewhere in my life.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Leaving aside the women who have esteem issues due to upbringing, abuse because that is difficult to overcome, I think the media has a lot to answer for. However there has been pressure on women to look a certain way since time immemorial.

A lot of the comments about not being good enough that you see on fab though are designed to attract compliments. It's true to say that the women who are happy with themselves and aren't afraid to say so will often be mocked while those who profess to hate the way they look will be showered with compliments and told to love themselves.

I am unsure that it’s fair to say it’s designed to get compliments. For some it’s a behaviour that is not a conscious choice and the attention makes them feel better. I put myself down often and not so people tell me that I am pretty. I try not to, but it’s hard when you struggle with self love and acceptance and clearly many do.

I don’t think it’s a manipulative tool for attention for most, the same as men aren’t fishing when they say they’re ugly or average looking. Sometimes it’s self deprecating and sometimes it’s low self esteem. If someone does need compliments for reassurance, and they’re seeking them maybe throw some their way.

That's why I said leaving aside women with issues due to upbringing or abuse. "

I know you said leaving it aside- most of the women who seek compliments fit those categories or have deep hangups, so just throw some love, we could all use more compliments even if others think it’s silly.

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By *ollycouple71Couple
over a year ago

manchester


"Most of the pressure comes from other women, men generally don’t give a shit"
yep

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By *ocodoughnutgirlWoman
over a year ago

Sea of jelly and doughnuts


"I started puberty quite young and at 8 years old had sizable (for that age) boobs. Thats where it started for me, girls laughed at me and boys just stared at them.

So i tended to dress in baggy clothes, was mostly a tom boy and hated dresses.

I was also very sporty and played hockey, football, rugby and was number one at school for the 100 & 800 metre track races. Also used to box a little with my dad.

So with all that even though I wasn't fat, I had big thighs, boobs and arms. All my friends were size 6/8 where I was a 12. I was called fat, ugly and made fun of for my nose and full lips.

I never dated in school or college, no one asked me out either.... Plus I was darker skinned so that was another thing to add to the list of dislikes. Colourism is a big thing in my culture and being darker wasn't seen as being beautiful. My mum is lighter and always got compliments (she also doesn't look her age) so I always felt like the fat, black ugly duckling.....

Low self esteem lead me into bad relationships, where the verbal abuse was even more damaging. So I've never felt beautiful.

I've learnt to fake my confidence and working in fashion / costume has helped me learn how to not only dress myself but others. But underneath I'm that ugly duckling pretending to be swan.

With now having a daughter, I'm now fully conscious that I have to use positive words when describing anything body/self image related as I'd like her to grow up with a positive body image.

. So important for little girls. My daughter doesn’t hear me negative talk or discuss a diet or weight. Breaking cycles, at least we won’t compound any hangups they may develop. "

Definitely a cycle I want to break, all I heard growing up from my mum, was about being fat or having to diet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most ladies I know in any depth have a poor self image and beat themselves up unnecessarily. As to why, well that is many and varied but none of them will be told otherwise, so even honestly given compliments are only a temporary respite from all that self doubt.....

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By *ocodoughnutgirlWoman
over a year ago

Sea of jelly and doughnuts


"I started puberty quite young and at 8 years old had sizable (for that age) boobs. Thats where it started for me, girls laughed at me and boys just stared at them.

So i tended to dress in baggy clothes, was mostly a tom boy and hated dresses.

I was also very sporty and played hockey, football, rugby and was number one at school for the 100 & 800 metre track races. Also used to box a little with my dad.

So with all that even though I wasn't fat, I had big thighs, boobs and arms. All my friends were size 6/8 where I was a 12. I was called fat, ugly and made fun of for my nose and full lips.

I never dated in school or college, no one asked me out either.... Plus I was darker skinned so that was another thing to add to the list of dislikes. Colourism is a big thing in my culture and being darker wasn't seen as being beautiful. My mum is lighter and always got compliments (she also doesn't look her age) so I always felt like the fat, black ugly duckling.....

Low self esteem lead me into bad relationships, where the verbal abuse was even more damaging. So I've never felt beautiful.

I've learnt to fake my confidence and working in fashion / costume has helped me learn how to not only dress myself but others. But underneath I'm that ugly duckling pretending to be swan.

With now having a daughter, I'm now fully conscious that I have to use positive words when describing anything body/self image related as I'd like her to grow up with a positive body image.

Ugly duckling pretending to be a swan. God that resonates so much with me and has actually brought a lump to my throat coz that's exactly how I feel, and it's much worse if I'm having a tough time elsewhere in my life.

P"

I totally agree, if I'm having a tough time elsewhere in my life its like a default. I default to ugly duckling

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip

[Removed by poster at 01/08/19 15:25:51]

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"I started puberty quite young and at 8 years old had sizable (for that age) boobs. Thats where it started for me, girls laughed at me and boys just stared at them.

So i tended to dress in baggy clothes, was mostly a tom boy and hated dresses.

I was also very sporty and played hockey, football, rugby and was number one at school for the 100 & 800 metre track races. Also used to box a little with my dad.

So with all that even though I wasn't fat, I had big thighs, boobs and arms. All my friends were size 6/8 where I was a 12. I was called fat, ugly and made fun of for my nose and full lips.

I never dated in school or college, no one asked me out either.... Plus I was darker skinned so that was another thing to add to the list of dislikes. Colourism is a big thing in my culture and being darker wasn't seen as being beautiful. My mum is lighter and always got compliments (she also doesn't look her age) so I always felt like the fat, black ugly duckling.....

Low self esteem lead me into bad relationships, where the verbal abuse was even more damaging. So I've never felt beautiful.

I've learnt to fake my confidence and working in fashion / costume has helped me learn how to not only dress myself but others. But underneath I'm that ugly duckling pretending to be swan.

With now having a daughter, I'm now fully conscious that I have to use positive words when describing anything body/self image related as I'd like her to grow up with a positive body image.

"

I saw your profile for the first time the other day and immediately put you on our hot list, in case that gives you an idea of what somebody else thinks of you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mine started in my childhood, being bullied at school because I was above average height and weight not fat then. My mom was always going on about my weight and put me on numerous diets and put me down if I had a bad day. I was picked on at secondary school because I started puberty early and was big busted naturally so it made me stand out. As I got older I never was the kind that men picked to date as I was always the ‘fat’ girl. Then I met my ex and the real abuse started, he was a narcissist and feeder and fed me up to a size 30 at my biggest, he also daily made me feel as though I wasn’t worth anything and no man would want me. He constantly showed me pics of his latest woman he was ‘friends ‘ with who happened to be size 10/12 but I was the size he wanted me to be. Society also looked at me as being ugly and I got lots of abuse just going about my daily life. When you hear daily that you’re worthless, ugly and unlovable after 22 years of it you believe it. I found the strength to change my life and lost a lot of the weight but the psychological damage is harder to undo x

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By *ocodoughnutgirlWoman
over a year ago

Sea of jelly and doughnuts


"I started puberty quite young and at 8 years old had sizable (for that age) boobs. Thats where it started for me, girls laughed at me and boys just stared at them.

So i tended to dress in baggy clothes, was mostly a tom boy and hated dresses.

I was also very sporty and played hockey, football, rugby and was number one at school for the 100 & 800 metre track races. Also used to box a little with my dad.

So with all that even though I wasn't fat, I had big thighs, boobs and arms. All my friends were size 6/8 where I was a 12. I was called fat, ugly and made fun of for my nose and full lips.

I never dated in school or college, no one asked me out either.... Plus I was darker skinned so that was another thing to add to the list of dislikes. Colourism is a big thing in my culture and being darker wasn't seen as being beautiful. My mum is lighter and always got compliments (she also doesn't look her age) so I always felt like the fat, black ugly duckling.....

Low self esteem lead me into bad relationships, where the verbal abuse was even more damaging. So I've never felt beautiful.

I've learnt to fake my confidence and working in fashion / costume has helped me learn how to not only dress myself but others. But underneath I'm that ugly duckling pretending to be swan.

With now having a daughter, I'm now fully conscious that I have to use positive words when describing anything body/self image related as I'd like her to grow up with a positive body image.

I saw your profile for the first time the other day and immediately put you on our hot list, in case that gives you an idea of what somebody else thinks of you."

this is the first time that I actually know I'm on someones hotlist.... Very flattered

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By *illingVicMan
over a year ago

Sevenoaks

I’m a fairly cuddly chap myself and have always been attracted to partners who can match me for mass. It took me years to get my head around the fact that every time I’d approach a -to me- beautiful woman when out and about I’d be met with skepticism or cynical disdain, like they were waiting for the punchline. It’s so incredibly sad that should ever be the case. I try to find something beautiful about everyone, and encourage everyone to do the same.

For most however, the ones we most have difficulty seeing that beauty in is ourselves!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I started puberty quite young and at 8 years old had sizable (for that age) boobs. Thats where it started for me, girls laughed at me and boys just stared at them.

So i tended to dress in baggy clothes, was mostly a tom boy and hated dresses.

I was also very sporty and played hockey, football, rugby and was number one at school for the 100 & 800 metre track races. Also used to box a little with my dad.

So with all that even though I wasn't fat, I had big thighs, boobs and arms. All my friends were size 6/8 where I was a 12. I was called fat, ugly and made fun of for my nose and full lips.

I never dated in school or college, no one asked me out either.... Plus I was darker skinned so that was another thing to add to the list of dislikes. Colourism is a big thing in my culture and being darker wasn't seen as being beautiful. My mum is lighter and always got compliments (she also doesn't look her age) so I always felt like the fat, black ugly duckling.....

Low self esteem lead me into bad relationships, where the verbal abuse was even more damaging. So I've never felt beautiful.

I've learnt to fake my confidence and working in fashion / costume has helped me learn how to not only dress myself but others. But underneath I'm that ugly duckling pretending to be swan.

With now having a daughter, I'm now fully conscious that I have to use positive words when describing anything body/self image related as I'd like her to grow up with a positive body image.

Ugly duckling pretending to be a swan. God that resonates so much with me and has actually brought a lump to my throat coz that's exactly how I feel, and it's much worse if I'm having a tough time elsewhere in my life.

P

I totally agree, if I'm having a tough time elsewhere in my life its like a default. I default to ugly duckling "

Strange one isn't it. I wouldn't say I feel unattractive as such, but I often feel I'm not attractive enough, not thin enough, not curvy enough, not toned enough, not elegant enough, not classy enough, not horny enough, not understanding enough... just not enough. The reality is I'm probably plenty enough, but I do feel like the enough I need to reach to truly love myself and all of myself is unattainable

P

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"I saw your profile for the first time the other day and immediately put you on our hot list, in case that gives you an idea of what somebody else thinks of you.

this is the first time that I actually know I'm on someones hotlist.... Very flattered "

I'm sure I'm not the only one. You have beautiful skin and curves. You are gorgeous all over.

I'd love to think that knowing that can penetrate a negative self image just a little, but I know there isn't a switch I can flick. Maybe it's brought you a little pleasure.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Leaving aside the women who have esteem issues due to upbringing, abuse because that is difficult to overcome, I think the media has a lot to answer for. However there has been pressure on women to look a certain way since time immemorial.

A lot of the comments about not being good enough that you see on fab though are designed to attract compliments. It's true to say that the women who are happy with themselves and aren't afraid to say so will often be mocked while those who profess to hate the way they look will be showered with compliments and told to love themselves.

I am unsure that it’s fair to say it’s designed to get compliments. For some it’s a behaviour that is not a conscious choice and the attention makes them feel better. I put myself down often and not so people tell me that I am pretty. I try not to, but it’s hard when you struggle with self love and acceptance and clearly many do.

I don’t think it’s a manipulative tool for attention for most, the same as men aren’t fishing when they say they’re ugly or average looking. Sometimes it’s self deprecating and sometimes it’s low self esteem. If someone does need compliments for reassurance, and they’re seeking them maybe throw some their way.

That's why I said leaving aside women with issues due to upbringing or abuse.

I know you said leaving it aside- most of the women who seek compliments fit those categories or have deep hangups, so just throw some love, we could all use more compliments even if others think it’s silly. "

I don't think it's silly, I agree we could all use more genuine compliments and I will always compliment where I can. However I think that it suits a lot of people to maintain low self esteem in others. Modesty and self deprecation are celebrated, body confidence and saying outright that you consider yourself attractive frequently mocked and shot down. It's easier to keep people under if they feel bad about themselves. Seeking to build your esteem somewhere like fab is not a great idea, if you struggle to believe you're beautiful being told you are by a guy who wants sex is a short term fix that won't last.

I know my opinion is unpopular but self esteem and confidence comes from loving yourself and from being loved not from the internet.

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By *ocodoughnutgirlWoman
over a year ago

Sea of jelly and doughnuts


"I saw your profile for the first time the other day and immediately put you on our hot list, in case that gives you an idea of what somebody else thinks of you.

this is the first time that I actually know I'm on someones hotlist.... Very flattered

I'm sure I'm not the only one. You have beautiful skin and curves. You are gorgeous all over.

I'd love to think that knowing that can penetrate a negative self image just a little, but I know there isn't a switch I can flick. Maybe it's brought you a little pleasure."

Its definitely brightened my day thank you

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands


"Grown up being bullied about my looks. Facebook pages were made about me, I ‘won’ awards at school for being so ugly, food thrown at me, stuff wrote about me on toilet walls, abuse shouted at me down corridors etc.

Now I don’t give a fuck. I like the way I look. Fuck ‘em.

I used to put on a whole ‘well I love myself so fuck what they think’ fake persona. It just sunk in.

I used to (and sometimes still do) tell myself three nice things about my looks and my personality in the mirror every day.

I encourage my friends to do the same thing. "
Tell yourself you’re beautiful, because that’s what you are. We got bullied also, but hopefully turned into Swans. Bullying comes from low self esteem, so that’s their problem

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A painful abusive childhoo , then a narcissistic relationship in later life have taken their toll on me.

I like to think I’ve got to the stage where I am honest with myself and can just about accept that for my age I’m not doing badly.

That I’m finally finding some inner peace. I do have a wobble occasionally though, I have some great fab friends who help when that happens.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"I don't think it's silly, I agree we could all use more genuine compliments and I will always compliment where I can. However I think that it suits a lot of people to maintain low self esteem in others. Modesty and self deprecation are celebrated, body confidence and saying outright that you consider yourself attractive frequently mocked and shot down. It's easier to keep people under if they feel bad about themselves. Seeking to build your esteem somewhere like fab is not a great idea, if you struggle to believe you're beautiful being told you are by a guy who wants sex is a short term fix that won't last.

I know my opinion is unpopular but self esteem and confidence comes from loving yourself and from being loved not from the internet.

"

I do agree with you to some extent but I don't think self deprecation is celebrated because it helps to keep people feeling bad about themselves. It's not quite as black and white as that.

I think there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence, much like there is between being self deprecating and having low self esteem.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've always had body confidence issues. I was picked on in school, was the girl that got treated like a leper by boys, never got picked to dance, got joke valentine's day cards and asked out as a prank.

In high school it was pretty similar and I didn't really date until I was in 3/4th year. Partners cheated on me, dumped me for being ugly, frigid etc etc.

I was anorexic up until I was 16, went on birth control and gained masses of weight, became obese, got stretch marks everywhere, body confidence got significantly worse. Managed to lose 2 stone. Still covered in stretch marks and still unhealthy/in the obese range.

I think most of my lack of confidence comes from bullying from other kids and my mum and also women in media.

I hate my body, so much so in day to day life I hide under baggy shirts and unflattering clothing, that pretty much give me no shape and give no hint of weight/body type.

I look at my body most of the time and feel disgusted and depressed.

~Mia

You are beautiful. I relate to this so much and I’ve come a long way, I even left the house in clothes that fit 3 times recently! You can do this, get help if you need to. You deserve to loved exactly as you are, especially by yourself. "

Thank you, I'm working on it and I'm certainly better than I was with my confidence but I still struggle with it a lot occasionally.

~Mia

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"CurvyScot97

That makes me very sad. You should not have been treated so badly. Those people we cruel and wrong. You look amazing on your profile. If you were in the office I work in I'd think you were gorgeous whatever you wear to hide yourself. I wish I could do something that would improve your self-perception.

AmuseBouche31

Hello, fellow Reigater. That's where I work and will be moving to next month.

Who tells you these things and why? I agree, everybody has beauty.

Deliciouslady

You also look fantastic. It's a shame genuine compliments don't give you the pleasure many women get from being told they are beautiful. It's terrible people were so brutal to you at school. I can see you look wonderful. I wish I could convey that to you in a way that could get past your self-image."

Thank you

~Mia

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I don't think it's silly, I agree we could all use more genuine compliments and I will always compliment where I can. However I think that it suits a lot of people to maintain low self esteem in others. Modesty and self deprecation are celebrated, body confidence and saying outright that you consider yourself attractive frequently mocked and shot down. It's easier to keep people under if they feel bad about themselves. Seeking to build your esteem somewhere like fab is not a great idea, if you struggle to believe you're beautiful being told you are by a guy who wants sex is a short term fix that won't last.

I know my opinion is unpopular but self esteem and confidence comes from loving yourself and from being loved not from the internet.

I do agree with you to some extent but I don't think self deprecation is celebrated because it helps to keep people feeling bad about themselves. It's not quite as black and white as that.

I think there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence, much like there is between being self deprecating and having low self esteem."

I agree. Nothing is ever black and white. If we're talking about fab only how many times do you see a man say that the women on here have too high an opinion of themselves and nobody would look at them twice in the street? If a woman starts a thread saying someone has said something unkind about them or she's feeling bad about how she looks men will be all over it saying they'd give their right arm to meet her and she's absolutely gorgeous. If a woman says she knows she's attractive she will get responses along the lines of she must be ugly on the inside. Low self esteem is rewarded high self esteem shot down I'll leave it to others to decide why.

Building someone's confidence and self esteem is about way more than empty compliments which frequently have ulterior motives behind them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough, met my now ex ( husband ) who battered and cheated on me for 33 years... and now even though I’m confident I don’t really have much self love.

I wish I could be different,

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough, met my now ex ( husband ) who battered and cheated on me for 33 years... and now even though I’m confident I don’t really have much self love.

I wish I could be different, "

I hope you find a way to be different, you're worth it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough, met my now ex ( husband ) who battered and cheated on me for 33 years... and now even though I’m confident I don’t really have much self love.

I wish I could be different,

I hope you find a way to be different, you're worth it "

I’m getting there, slowly slowly. I have much to be grateful for.

And thank you

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By *illingVicMan
over a year ago

Sevenoaks


"I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough, met my now ex ( husband ) who battered and cheated on me for 33 years... and now even though I’m confident I don’t really have much self love.

I wish I could be different,

I hope you find a way to be different, you're worth it

I’m getting there, slowly slowly. I have much to be grateful for.

And thank you "

JustT, from what I can see from your profile you look lovely!

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough, met my now ex ( husband ) who battered and cheated on me for 33 years... and now even though I’m confident I don’t really have much self love.

I wish I could be different, "

That's very sad. It shouldn't happen to anybody. It makes me want to give you a big hug.

From what I can see in your profile, physically you are very beautiful.

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

Interesting thread.

I’d note that patterns we see and observe on Fab such as the replies by one sex or another to self deprecating threads by one sex or the other don’t necessarily dictate that we know the intent of the OP at time of posting.

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

Likewise sometimes the “self deprecation” is sometimes simply fact; that I, for example, have curated my photos so you wouldn’t know how fat I am so when you tell me I’ve a beautiful body when I say I don’t, I might actually know better than you.

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By *partharmony OP   Couple
over a year ago

Ruislip


"Likewise sometimes the “self deprecation” is sometimes simply fact; that I, for example, have curated my photos so you wouldn’t know how fat I am so when you tell me I’ve a beautiful body when I say I don’t, I might actually know better than you. "

But maybe you don't know better. Maybe your perception of yourself is clouded by personal baggage. Maybe what you call fat is still beautiful (which you certainly are in my eyes). Besides, fat (or not) isn't the only part of how somebody looks. You have a beautiful face regardless of having body you don't like.

Believe me, anybody who had a girlfriend who looked half as good as you (bodily and/or facially) is a lucky guy. Fortunately I am a lucky guy, but that doesn't mean Hannah is only half as good-looking as you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think it's silly, I agree we could all use more genuine compliments and I will always compliment where I can. However I think that it suits a lot of people to maintain low self esteem in others. Modesty and self deprecation are celebrated, body confidence and saying outright that you consider yourself attractive frequently mocked and shot down. It's easier to keep people under if they feel bad about themselves. Seeking to build your esteem somewhere like fab is not a great idea, if you struggle to believe you're beautiful being told you are by a guy who wants sex is a short term fix that won't last.

I know my opinion is unpopular but self esteem and confidence comes from loving yourself and from being loved not from the internet.

I do agree with you to some extent but I don't think self deprecation is celebrated because it helps to keep people feeling bad about themselves. It's not quite as black and white as that.

I think there's a fine line between arrogance and confidence, much like there is between being self deprecating and having low self esteem.

I agree. Nothing is ever black and white. If we're talking about fab only how many times do you see a man say that the women on here have too high an opinion of themselves and nobody would look at them twice in the street? If a woman starts a thread saying someone has said something unkind about them or she's feeling bad about how she looks men will be all over it saying they'd give their right arm to meet her and she's absolutely gorgeous. If a woman says she knows she's attractive she will get responses along the lines of she must be ugly on the inside. Low self esteem is rewarded high self esteem shot down I'll leave it to others to decide why.

Building someone's confidence and self esteem is about way more than empty compliments which frequently have ulterior motives behind them. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough, met my now ex ( husband ) who battered and cheated on me for 33 years... and now even though I’m confident I don’t really have much self love.

I wish I could be different,

I hope you find a way to be different, you're worth it

I’m getting there, slowly slowly. I have much to be grateful for.

And thank you

JustT, from what I can see from your profile you look lovely!"

That you my sweet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough, met my now ex ( husband ) who battered and cheated on me for 33 years... and now even though I’m confident I don’t really have much self love.

I wish I could be different,

That's very sad. It shouldn't happen to anybody. It makes me want to give you a big hug.

From what I can see in your profile, physically you are very beautiful."

Just a damaged heart, but I’m getting there, but thank you for the kind words.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

chilhood eating disorder

started again in 20's due to certain events happening in my life .... it's a form of me taking back control

then an abusive ex who would point out every flaw and tell me how old and disgusting my body was (he was 9 yrs younger) he went into great detail

i can still hear his words

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"chilhood eating disorder

started again in 20's due to certain events happening in my life .... it's a form of me taking back control

then an abusive ex who would point out every flaw and tell me how old and disgusting my body was (he was 9 yrs younger) he went into great detail

i can still hear his words"

I hear you, I was bulimic .. as you say it’s the only control you have. I hope you find the peace you so deserve xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just been reading all of these postings on this thread intently, and very sad and revealing most of them are too.

How does it relate to being on FAB? Does it help to get lots of attention? Does it hinder responding to guys giving you attention, like youre almost scared to reply because it can't be real?

As a guy, and I mentioned this on a thread the other day and got a couple of understanding comments, I have pretty much given up sending out messages to ladies that appeal to me due to a lack of response.

Every no reply or no thanks feels like a rejection, and every rejection chips away at my self esteem until there is pretty much nothing left.

There is a constant thought that even if I can get some chat started with a lady that I find interesting it will fairly quickly fade to nothing.

Confidence with the opposite sex has to be worked at and previous bad experiences really do not help.

I currently have a track record of failed relationships.. the common denominator is me, so it must be my fault.

From the angle of a lot of guys on here, I would say the reason they have come here has probably failed.

I originally came here to look for a special new friend for laughs and banter and maybe sex, but I now find myself having fun around the forums instead.

I stopped creating and sending out messages to ladies and I therefore don't get any rejections and I'm in control of that.

Ladies rarely look at my profile...maybe they do in stealth mode, which isn't very helpful, but couples and tv/ts look at me frequently. I have my settings set that way cos it boosts my ego a little bit when somebody looks even if I'm not actually interested in that genre.

The bottom line is that most of you ladies are looking very attractive to most men but a lot of you don't think you are attractive and are suspicious of men who think you are and compliment you.

Sorry if I'm waffling and definitely not trying to go back am important thread, just some constructive observations hopefully.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Second to last paragraph very true, people say I’m attractive and I usually raise my eyebrows.

It’s not that I think they are lying, I just don’t feel it or see it.

Again it’s not a confidence thing as I’m confidant.

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