FabSwingers.com forum: At what point does cheating become.... cheating?

By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

Resulting from this forum post here...

https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/907601

I'm curious about the thoughts of others on what stage a person's activities become cheating.

From the basic looking at a picture of an anonymous nude person without your other half knowing it...

To full on extra-marital affair

At which point does it become cheating.

I have no vested interest in this, just a mild curiosity.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them. "

yea that

end of thread

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

Genrally if it feels wrong, it probably is.

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them. "

What about when one partner watches porn on the computer at night when their significant other is in bed.

Significant other knows partner watches porn and says "You can do it, I just don't want to know about it"?

They are doing something which they will not openly tell their partner about, but have been given permission to do it.

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"Genrally if it feels wrong, it probably is."

Lol, I like this, and don't disagree with it. But a 'feeling' is not a bench-mark.

Also I'm sure there are lots of people who have tried swinging and had a 'feeling' it was wrong despite the partner knowing about it and enjoying it...

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

yea that

end of thread

Not necessarily, as with the example above if partner doesn't want to be aware because they know it will upset them, but gives the other permission to seek out alternatives.

Another example...

Partner is ill and can't have sex for years, but they understand their loved one needs release and gives permission to use escorts but stipulates they keep it to themselves..

Is this cheating?

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By *attoodchapMan
over a year ago

Swansea

If your deleting messages, scared your partner will pick up your phone, lying to you other half to save face....cheating!

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By *evil_u_knowMan
over a year ago

city

It starts way before you do stuff you cant tell your partner about.

You could say "I went to check on Jane when she was upset after her bf dumped her and she was crying on the steps".

But if youre going to comfort her on the off chance of getting a rebound its cheating.

So basically cheating starts as soon as you put yourself in a position where cheating could happen, this could be innocent scenarios that will develop into something more.

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them. "

Pretty much nailed it

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"If your deleting messages, scared your partner will pick up your phone, lying to you other half to save face....cheating! "

I think you may have misunderstood the intention one my post. I know what the DEFINITION of cheating is, and this isn't me trying to justify any of my own actions.

This forum post is purely 'a game' maybe

Just me playing Devil's advocate and creating an argument to others answers.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

It's a difficult one. I'd say emotional or physical infidelity is cheating. Everything else is difference of opinion

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/07/19 00:52:44]

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

How about if one feels watching porn is cheating and the other doesn't. Who's right?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

What about when one partner watches porn on the computer at night when their significant other is in bed.

Significant other knows partner watches porn and says "You can do it, I just don't want to know about it"?

They are doing something which they will not openly tell their partner about, but have been given permission to do it.

They have permission and are not telling because they've been asked not to, that's not the same as keeping a secret.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

yea that

end of thread

Not necessarily, as with the example above if partner doesn't want to be aware because they know it will upset them, but gives the other permission to seek out alternatives.

Another example...

Partner is ill and can't have sex for years, but they understand their loved one needs release and gives permission to use escorts but stipulates they keep it to themselves..

Is this cheating?"

eh,,the word was open,,if its open then hey ho

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"It starts way before you do stuff you cant tell your partner about.

You could say "I went to check on Jane when she was upset after her bf dumped her and she was crying on the steps".

But if youre going to comfort her on the off chance of getting a rebound its cheating.

So basically cheating starts as soon as you put yourself in a position where cheating could happen, this could be innocent scenarios that will develop into something more."

Hmmm... I'm struggling to counter argument this one! Lol

I think this might be the closing answer! But I'll try to think of a reply overnight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

yea that

end of thread

Not necessarily, as with the example above if partner doesn't want to be aware because they know it will upset them, but gives the other permission to seek out alternatives.

Another example...

Partner is ill and can't have sex for years, but they understand their loved one needs release and gives permission to use escorts but stipulates they keep it to themselves..

Is this cheating?"

They've given permission so how would it be?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

yea that

end of thread

Not necessarily, as with the example above if partner doesn't want to be aware because they know it will upset them, but gives the other permission to seek out alternatives.

Another example...

Partner is ill and can't have sex for years, but they understand their loved one needs release and gives permission to use escorts but stipulates they keep it to themselves..

Is this cheating?"

It's adultery if they're married but it isn't cheating.

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"It's a difficult one. I'd say emotional or physical infidelity is cheating. Everything else is difference of opinion"

Yep, what is cheating to one person, may not be for another...

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By *attoodchapMan
over a year ago

Swansea

"If your deleting messages, scared your partner will pick up your phone, lying to you other half to save face....cheating!

I think you may have misunderstood the intention one my post. I know what the DEFINITION of cheating is, and this isn't me trying to justify any of my own actions.

This forum post is purely 'a game' maybe

Just me playing Devil's advocate and creating an argument to others answers.

Sorry.....I'm just having a moan after being shit on! (Not literally for you weird people!)

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"It starts way before you do stuff you cant tell your partner about.

You could say "I went to check on Jane when she was upset after her bf dumped her and she was crying on the steps".

But if youre going to comfort her on the off chance of getting a rebound its cheating.

So basically cheating starts as soon as you put yourself in a position where cheating could happen, this could be innocent scenarios that will develop into something more.

Hmmm... I'm struggling to counter argument this one! Lol

I think this might be the closing answer! But I'll try to think of a reply overnight."

So if a person thinks about stealing something but doesn't actually do it they're still a thief?.

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

What about when one partner watches porn on the computer at night when their significant other is in bed.

Significant other knows partner watches porn and says "You can do it, I just don't want to know about it"?

They are doing something which they will not openly tell their partner about, but have been given permission to do it.

They have permission and are not telling because they've been asked not to, that's not the same as keeping a secret. "

Sure, but the first answer to the question was about "openly telling your partner"...

This openness is ambiguous...

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"It starts way before you do stuff you cant tell your partner about.

You could say "I went to check on Jane when she was upset after her bf dumped her and she was crying on the steps".

But if youre going to comfort her on the off chance of getting a rebound its cheating.

So basically cheating starts as soon as you put yourself in a position where cheating could happen, this could be innocent scenarios that will develop into something more.

Hmmm... I'm struggling to counter argument this one! Lol

I think this might be the closing answer! But I'll try to think of a reply overnight.

So if a person thinks about stealing something but doesn't actually do it they're still a thief?."

Lol! Brilliant!

I love this counter argument!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How about if one feels watching porn is cheating and the other doesn't. Who's right?"

To me it would depend on the relationship, if you can agree to disagree and one turns a blind eye then no.

If they one who thinks it is cheating is adamant and does not at all accept it then the other is going behind their back and that's cheating.

I agree there is probably a scale to cheating but for me a good relationship is about give and take and being open, if you can't be open about everything including the things you know might upset your partner then I'm not sure the relationship is that strong (I am aware I'm generalising though and there are many many more factors that come into play).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

What about when one partner watches porn on the computer at night when their significant other is in bed.

Significant other knows partner watches porn and says "You can do it, I just don't want to know about it"?

They are doing something which they will not openly tell their partner about, but have been given permission to do it.

They have permission and are not telling because they've been asked not to, that's not the same as keeping a secret.

Sure, but the first answer to the question was about "openly telling your partner"...

This openness is ambiguous..."

But they would be open if their partner asked, they're not doing anything wrong or trying to hide.

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"If your deleting messages, scared your partner will pick up your phone, lying to you other half to save face....cheating!

I think you may have misunderstood the intention one my post. I know what the DEFINITION of cheating is, and this isn't me trying to justify any of my own actions.

This forum post is purely 'a game' maybe

Just me playing Devil's advocate and creating an argument to others answers.

Sorry.....I'm just having a moan after being shit on! (Not literally for you weird people!)"

No problem... Moan away.

I think cheating is despicable, but I'm trying to establish the benchmark others use

I suppose I'm creating a little place for others to consider their own perception of cheating...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

yea that

end of thread

spot on and the 2nd reply too

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"How about if one feels watching porn is cheating and the other doesn't. Who's right?

To me it would depend on the relationship, if you can agree to disagree and one turns a blind eye then no.

If they one who thinks it is cheating is adamant and does not at all accept it then the other is going behind their back and that's cheating.

The problem with things like this is there is no compromise. One person has to concede.

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

yea that

end of thread

Not necessarily, as with the example above if partner doesn't want to be aware because they know it will upset them, but gives the other permission to seek out alternatives.

Another example...

Partner is ill and can't have sex for years, but they understand their loved one needs release and gives permission to use escorts but stipulates they keep it to themselves..

Is this cheating?

eh,,the word was open,,if its open then hey ho"

But the initial conversation must have been open in order for the decision about 'keep it to yourself' to be made...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It starts way before you do stuff you cant tell your partner about.

You could say "I went to check on Jane when she was upset after her bf dumped her and she was crying on the steps".

But if youre going to comfort her on the off chance of getting a rebound its cheating.

So basically cheating starts as soon as you put yourself in a position where cheating could happen, this could be innocent scenarios that will develop into something more.

Hmmm... I'm struggling to counter argument this one! Lol

I think this might be the closing answer! But I'll try to think of a reply overnight.

So if a person thinks about stealing something but doesn't actually do it they're still a thief?."

I'm not sure the two can be compared, one is a black and white you took it or you didn't and the other is personal judgement and can be completely different in each relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How about if one feels watching porn is cheating and the other doesn't. Who's right?

To me it would depend on the relationship, if you can agree to disagree and one turns a blind eye then no.

If they one who thinks it is cheating is adamant and does not at all accept it then the other is going behind their back and that's cheating.

The problem with things like this is there is no compromise. One person has to concede."

But isn't that what relationships are sometimes?

Sometimes there is no room for compromise.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them. "

I don't agree with this 100%. I think it's right if the other half is being reasonable, but it's possible for a partner to be unreasonable

My ex was manipulative and controlling. There was stuff I did that I don't think is unreasonable but I wouldn't tell her because I didn't need the agro that came with it. I think she intentionally made a mountain out of a molehill because she got a kick out of it.

I have heard of women describing their man looking at porn as cheating. I think that is an exaggeration.

I read on a different forum about a guy who saw his girlfriend snog another girl for a few seconds at a nightclub after some drinks and he went ballistic. I think that is overreacting.

So I agree with you when the expectations are reasonable. That of course leaves open the question of what is reasonable.

I would say that if boundaries have been agreed upon voluntarily by relevant parties, breaking them would be cheating. Luke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you are clearly in a relationship and your other half has no idea what you are up to and you are snaking about on sites like this I would say

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

I don't agree with this 100%. I think it's right if the other half is being reasonable, but it's possible for a partner to be unreasonable

I have heard of women describing their man looking at porn as cheating. I think that is an exaggeration.

I read on a different forum about a guy who saw his girlfriend snog another girl for a few seconds at a nightclub after some drinks and he went ballistic. I think that is overreacting.

So I agree with you when the expectations are reasonable. That of course leaves open the question of what is reasonable.

I would say that if boundaries have been agreed upon voluntarily by relevant parties, breaking them would be cheating. Luke"

But that's more of a relationship issue is it not? It's more about the person's behaviour and reactions than what you're doing.

Just because you should be open and honest doesn't mean you can be. You're still cheating in my eyes but your reason for doing it is different.

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By *m389Man
over a year ago

Bromley

The problem is we like to label/group people, happens all the time everywhere.

Someone mentioned the thief example earlier. By the textbook if he took something and didn't pay, then he is a thief. We love doing this and by doing it we immediately put him in some lower societal group.

The guy could be stealing can of beans because he had not a cent to his name and had children starving at home. And we would still regard him as a thief/criminal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them. "

Agree, anything you know isn't right even sometimes just messaging, unfortunately been on the receiving end after 13 years. Ruined my life for a whole year

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you start to tell lies.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When you start to tell lies."

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By *ersiantugMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

When it's so difficult to pull off you learn how spell discreet properly, then finally plain admit the other half doesn't know.

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By *ikeandmollyCouple
over a year ago

swindon

For me ( Molly) cheating is when you want or need someone other than your partner more, An emotional connection not with your life mate the one you have bonded with. A act of the physical like sex is not what our relationship is about it’s a deeper level he is me as I am him. I could go on but will leave it there. If people want to message and discuss my thoughts more please do.

Molly

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By *evil_u_knowMan
over a year ago

city

"It starts way before you do stuff you cant tell your partner about.

You could say "I went to check on Jane when she was upset after her bf dumped her and she was crying on the steps".

But if youre going to comfort her on the off chance of getting a rebound its cheating.

So basically cheating starts as soon as you put yourself in a position where cheating could happen, this could be innocent scenarios that will develop into something more.

Hmmm... I'm struggling to counter argument this one! Lol

I think this might be the closing answer! But I'll try to think of a reply overnight.

So if a person thinks about stealing something but doesn't actually do it they're still a thief?."

No because stealing is the act of taking something you dont own.

Cheating is the act of being unfaithful to your partner in either actions, or putting yourself in positions where cheating may happen.

I didn't say thinking about cheating was cheating, i said acting on those thoughts and putting yourself in situations where cheating may happen is cheating.

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By *evil_u_knowMan
over a year ago

city

"So if a person thinks about stealing something but doesn't actually do it they're still a thief?.

Lol! Brilliant!

I love this counter argument!"

Why do you love that counter argument, its a false equivalence.

If someone thinks about stealing, its not a crime, but if like my example they then go and put themselves in a situation where stealing may happen, but they dont steal. That is called going equipped to steal and yes, its against the law.

Planning to murder someone is against the law etc etc etc.

Thinking about cheating and then putting yourself in situations where it may happen is cheating, even if the situation is innocent.

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

Why do you love that counter argument, its a false equivalence.

Because it was a counter argument which I hadn't thought of. Whilst the subject of this post is a serious matter, I did start it with a degree of humour being intended.

I know the given examples aren't directly comparable, but it is a counter argument all the same.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you get caught

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Breaking the trust you have with your partner through the pursuit of or activities with others

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When you get caught

That's the one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you've got 8 cards and you're only supposed to have 7

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As regards the scenario where someone's partner has said they can see other people as long as they don't know, it's a difficult call and everyone seems to see it differently.

Many will ask to speak to the partner to confirm they have permission. This immediately breaks their rules.

We also seem to be intermingling the terms cheat, adultery and lying.

Assuming the hypothetical couple are married then it's adultery (or the person they see is married) this goes for anyone married, not just those meeting alone.

If they are not telling their other half they are meeting then they are getting into the grey area of lying by withholding information. This is something we do all the time to protect people's feelings.

As far as cheating is concerned it's a very grey area. Why doesn't the other half want to know? Because they don't want you doing it of course, they know they can't stop you and if they try, they will probably make things worse so choose to live in ignorance.

Is that a good thing? They are always going to suspect you could be seeing someone else, even if you are not, so potentially it is more damaging than outright cheating.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's cheating as soon as there's deceit.

For me cheating has never been about the sex, it's the betrayal, the lies, the behind your back part.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's cheating as soon as there's deceit.

For me cheating has never been about the sex, it's the betrayal, the lies, the behind your back part."

Al this really does is change the verb for another one.

Back to the hypothetical couple. She says he can see other people providing she doesn't know. By keeping the information from her as she has requested, this is deceit. This using your definition is therefore cheating even though he has permission.

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

When you find them in bed with their uni friend and then open up the relationship so they can continue the affair for 4 years. Do I sound bitter much?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's cheating as soon as there's deceit.

For me cheating has never been about the sex, it's the betrayal, the lies, the behind your back part."

That sums it up perfectly

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

So basically it's cheating if your partner thinks it is? That's going to make some people’s lives very difficult.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's cheating as soon as there's deceit.

For me cheating has never been about the sex, it's the betrayal, the lies, the behind your back part.

Al this really does is change the verb for another one.

My partner has given me the same permission. I choose not to, as I still see that as cheating.

Like I said, FOR ME, it's the behind your back that makes it cheating.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them. "

100% this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

I don't agree with this 100%. I think it's right if the other half is being reasonable, but it's possible for a partner to be unreasonable

I have heard of women describing their man looking at porn as cheating. I think that is an exaggeration.

I read on a different forum about a guy who saw his girlfriend snog another girl for a few seconds at a nightclub after some drinks and he went ballistic. I think that is overreacting.

So I agree with you when the expectations are reasonable. That of course leaves open the question of what is reasonable.

I would say that if boundaries have been agreed upon voluntarily by relevant parties, breaking them would be cheating. Luke"

Good points

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I dont care whats cheating or if someones cheating if i wanted it more then il take it the end

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By *riple S OP Couple
over a year ago

Midlands

"I dont care whats cheating or if someones cheating if i wanted it more then il take it the end"

So.... thanks for that informative, grammatically correct, well written input. I'm sure everyone who's interested will take note of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

Pretty much nailed it

And it applies universally to ANYTHING you can't / don't want to / won't tell your partner, because it will upset them.

x Niki

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By *good-being-badMan
over a year ago

mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds

I thought this was about monopoly not monogamy ..I'll go find another thread.

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By *tella HeelsTV/TS
over a year ago

west here ford shire

When you cheat

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By *isterPepperMan
over a year ago

Central Swindon

"How about if one feels watching porn is cheating and the other doesn't. Who's right?"

That, my friends, is called incompatibility

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them. "

Thread closed! Ha

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By *nderIwonder.Man
over a year ago

2nd City

"If you're doing something you wouldn't openly tell your partner or that you know would upset them.

yea that

end of thread

end of thread.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Resulting from this forum post here...

https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/907601

I'm curious about the thoughts of others on what stage a person's activities become cheating.

From the basic looking at a picture of an anonymous nude person without your other half knowing it...

To full on extra-marital affair

At which point does it become cheating.

I have no vested interest in this, just a mild curiosity.

The minute you decide to do something behind your partners back...deliberately being dishonest with them..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The second you start hiding shit from your partner

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire

i'm gonna go with the wiki version: Cheating generally describes various actions designed to subvert rules in order to obtain unfair advantages.

So if you lie to people to get what you want at their expense then you cheated them. Lying to get sex can also be considered sexual assualt in many cases.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hey its all about choices and circumstances we can't ever know what drives a person to be Dishonest to the person they love and as a result shouldn't judge them, any amount of reasons justify their choice in many cases they'd be totally devastated if their partner found out and left them but it could be erectile dysfunction, no sex drive,never there, work abroad, in the navy etc etc they could even be a couple in this lifestyle and have gone out on their adventures and one or the other have met their next lust in their life, opportunity in many cases leads to infidelity, temptation leads to infidelity also revenge leads to infidelity but who are we to judge them, it's for that persons conscience not ours, this lifestyle leads you down a path that's hardly convention enjoy what you do and when you don't...... Get out

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