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Do you as a parent......

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By *oxy_minx OP   Woman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

As I am not one, just a quickie, do you have a child that you think is strong and capable so therefore you ignore (un-subconsciously perhaps) thinking we don't need to worry about or go out of our way for because our energy is focused on the two that forever have problems?

Is that a natural thought process and do you need a reminder at times that we may be strong but we do need some consideration at times? Or does it genuinely go right over your head?

Just interested as a personal issue I have had to deal with but had to voice my thoughts last week as it was eating away at me, for the last two years and knew I had to voice it, just not sure how it went down and whether said parent would have given it much thought either

I'll be in bed by 11pm lol so no hurry!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hmmm, that’s difficult. Both my sons are disabled and both were very poorly as children with their condition, my eldest especially and we lived our lives around hospital visits and admissions and surgery. So yes I had to spend a lot of my energy and time getting them through that.

But I also tried to have time with the others to make up for it. And yes at times I suppose I do worry less about my daughter than my sons. But I still worry about her just differently x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

All parenting styles are different obviously and how you interact with your children depends on their personalities too. We have two, we worried about them in equal measure but in different ways. We gave both equal attention but sometimes one needed more of our time and attention than the other but it evens itself out. Sometimes though parents need to be told that you need their attention.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"As I am not one, just a quickie, do you have a child that you think is strong and capable so therefore you ignore (un-subconsciously perhaps) thinking we don't need to worry about or go out of our way for because our energy is focused on the two that forever have problems?

Is that a natural thought process and do you need a reminder at times that we may be strong but we do need some consideration at times? Or does it genuinely go right over your head?

Just interested as a personal issue I have had to deal with but had to voice my thoughts last week as it was eating away at me, for the last two years and knew I had to voice it, just not sure how it went down and whether said parent would have given it much thought either

I'll be in bed by 11pm lol so no hurry! "

No. I learned the lessons my parents set me. I was the capable and clever one of four but my parents took their eye off the ball and I got into more trouble than the others put together.

Good fun though.

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By *oxy_minx OP   Woman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen


"Hmmm, that’s difficult. Both my sons are disabled and both were very poorly as children with their condition, my eldest especially and we lived our lives around hospital visits and admissions and surgery. So yes I had to spend a lot of my energy and time getting them through that.

But I also tried to have time with the others to make up for it. And yes at times I suppose I do worry less about my daughter than my sons. But I still worry about her just differently x "

I can understand that, as I am sure their problems started at a very young age and therefore had to deal with it as and when, but I am speaking about adult children (I should have said) I just seem to be treated as the rock in the family (children wise) and when I needed the support it just wasn't there) which shocked and surprised me, just not sure if I am being unreasonable, I honestly don't think I am or was but sometimes this does really grate on me, whether it sounds childish or not

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Children have different needs and requirements. I've got one who is very demanding of attention and another who is more reserved and needs more time alone. I give each child 30 mins one to one time at the end of the day where any issues or worries can be talked about if they need it, but mostly we just chat and giggle. The more needy one probably does get more attention, but only because the quieter one is content doing his own thing more than the other. If I tried to give the quiet one more attention than he's used to he'd probably tell me in no uncertain terms that he would like me to leave him in peace.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Children have different needs and requirements. I've got one who is very demanding of attention and another who is more reserved and needs more time alone. I give each child 30 mins one to one time at the end of the day where any issues or worries can be talked about if they need it, but mostly we just chat and giggle. The more needy one probably does get more attention, but only because the quieter one is content doing his own thing more than the other. If I tried to give the quiet one more attention than he's used to he'd probably tell me in no uncertain terms that he would like me to leave him in peace. "

I like that, well done

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I don't know if this helps or not.

I'm one of four children, our parents are very elderly and need help, I'm the only one who does. I accept it, I bear no ill will towards my siblings and seek support from other people like Mr N.

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By *oxy_minx OP   Woman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen


"All parenting styles are different obviously and how you interact with your children depends on their personalities too. We have two, we worried about them in equal measure but in different ways. We gave both equal attention but sometimes one needed more of our time and attention than the other but it evens itself out. Sometimes though parents need to be told that you need their attention. "

You're right and I did have to vocalise my dissatisfaction as it was just eating me up inside, whether it will be taken on board is another matter though

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By *entle.ManMan
over a year ago

Slough

Children understand much more than we give them credit for. If the child you worry about giving less time to is old enough (5+), try talking with him/her. Give him/her your full attention when you do and make sure they know you love them. Explain your dilemma about time, make sure they know that has nothing to do with how much you love them. Then try to let them take a degree of ownership about your relationship, letting them know they can always have your attention, even though they may need to wait a while, and see if they have any ideas about how they want you to show your love whilst still taking care of the others.

Good luck. Bringing up children is stressful even at the best of times. It sounds as if you care enough that you will find a way through.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hmmm, that’s difficult. Both my sons are disabled and both were very poorly as children with their condition, my eldest especially and we lived our lives around hospital visits and admissions and surgery. So yes I had to spend a lot of my energy and time getting them through that.

But I also tried to have time with the others to make up for it. And yes at times I suppose I do worry less about my daughter than my sons. But I still worry about her just differently x

I can understand that, as I am sure their problems started at a very young age and therefore had to deal with it as and when, but I am speaking about adult children (I should have said) I just seem to be treated as the rock in the family (children wise) and when I needed the support it just wasn't there) which shocked and surprised me, just not sure if I am being unreasonable, I honestly don't think I am or was but sometimes this does really grate on me, whether it sounds childish or not "

It sounds a little more sad than childish. We all need the support of others at times, especially if we are the one others usually turn to when they need support.

Wish I had an answer for you that would help beyond knowing your own strength and drawing on all those resources we are expected to share with others. Sometimes those others dont or cant see beyond their own problems and often may simply lack the resource to give the support they so often expect from others.

But there always comes a time where we have to put our own needs first, if only so that we can deal with our own problems, and then carry on supporting those who rely on us.

Perhaps it becomes easier, to have no expectations of others, and to rely solely on ourselves for whatever we need, yet that sounds such a closed off way to live. So maybe looking outside of families, to those we trust, if we are ever lucky enough to find them, may be the best we can ever hope for....

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"All parenting styles are different obviously and how you interact with your children depends on their personalities too. We have two, we worried about them in equal measure but in different ways. We gave both equal attention but sometimes one needed more of our time and attention than the other but it evens itself out. Sometimes though parents need to be told that you need their attention.

You're right and I did have to vocalise my dissatisfaction as it was just eating me up inside, whether it will be taken on board is another matter though "

Ah, well that's another matter. That's when it might be useful to try and accept the family dynamic but resolve to speak out each time the behaviour manifests

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By *oxy_minx OP   Woman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

To quote both hine and nicecouple it is hard to be the sounding boards of others said siblings, yet expect to automatically expect support when I needed both, my personal situation has maybe disappointed me and maybe I just need to deal with that as best I can, but I will be honest it still hurts that the thought wasn't there

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"To quote both hine and nicecouple it is hard to be the sounding boards of others said siblings, yet expect to automatically expect support when I needed both, my personal situation has maybe disappointed me and maybe I just need to deal with that as best I can, but I will be honest it still hurts that the thought wasn't there "

It is difficult. I hope you can find a resolution

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"To quote both hine and nicecouple it is hard to be the sounding boards of others said siblings, yet expect to automatically expect support when I needed both, my personal situation has maybe disappointed me and maybe I just need to deal with that as best I can, but I will be honest it still hurts that the thought wasn't there "

It will hurt. It always does. Yet it's not any failing on your part. We cant choose our families, and no matter how dysfunctional they may be, there are times when we have to remember our responsibility to ourselves for our own happiness contentment and inner peace.

No matter how we may try we cannot "fix" other people and they cannot fix us.

All we can do is live love give and hope somewhere it may be returned to us.....

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire


"Hmmm, that’s difficult. Both my sons are disabled and both were very poorly as children with their condition, my eldest especially and we lived our lives around hospital visits and admissions and surgery. So yes I had to spend a lot of my energy and time getting them through that.

But I also tried to have time with the others to make up for it. And yes at times I suppose I do worry less about my daughter than my sons. But I still worry about her just differently x

I can understand that, as I am sure their problems started at a very young age and therefore had to deal with it as and when, but I am speaking about adult children (I should have said) I just seem to be treated as the rock in the family (children wise) and when I needed the support it just wasn't there) which shocked and surprised me, just not sure if I am being unreasonable, I honestly don't think I am or was but sometimes this does really grate on me, whether it sounds childish or not "

I don't think it's childish either.

We tend to have expectations of others, these are good because it shows we have boundaries. Being let down a lot or many times over time is one way to break trust.

I think if your expectations are unrealistic then you should be bothered by them but otherwise no it'snot childish to feel bad about being treated as what you percieve as unfairly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've got three kids, two of which are autistic, my eldest and youngest.

My eldest is a hard working 18 year old that went out as soon as he finished school and got a part time job and funded his train tickets himself all through college.

My middle son however is a jammy git and everything falls in his lap and because of that him finding work is like pulling teeth at the moment, even though they had the same upbringing, however, their dad was always a stay at home dad and then struggled to find work and didn't try particularly hard either, I think the middle son has seen this and thought 'well dad got everything on a plate' (he had a brilliant job now their dad).

My youngest copies his eldest brother thankfully lol.

Danish x

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