FabSwingers.com forum: help for a friend

By *g99 OP Couple
over a year ago

Hi we are here asking for advise, or people who have been in the same situation and managed to work through it.. A friend asked a question and we gave him our advice but thought there could be more answers from you lovley people.. The question was 'how do I make my wife feel sexy again' now we had a similar issue and what worked for us may not work for them.. His wife is 24 they have 2 children the youngest 14 months, and after there child was born she had gone off sex..

Now we stated the obvious he works all ours god sends she looks after the kids, a stressful life.. But unlike the thread we just read he hasn't been spinless and gone off cheating, he asked our advice and we said talking to her was the only way.. And as it turned out she said the reason was she doesn't feel sexy anymore.. With the added stretch marks saggy tummy etc. Now she is a slim girl and quite attractive so we suggested spending more 'us' time buying some sexy underwear for that hides the bits she doesn't like etc.

Anywayyy that hasn't worked and the trouble he's having is before there last baby she had a hungry appetite would use sexy toys and be quite open with sexand talking about it, now he says its like some sort of tabboo that shouldn't be talked about.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have u had children??

Has she told him she doesnt feel sexy anymore?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

could be post natal depression that's overriding everything.

Ask your friend to talk to her doctor

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By *g99 OP Couple
over a year ago

Yes we have children ourselves.. And yes he talked to her about how he was feeling and she told him that she doesn't feel sexy anymore.. And I will advise him of that, but he said there relationship is apart from that quite well and they are happy. So I'm not sure if it would be post natal depression??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have one grown up son and dont see how having stretch marks can put a woman off having sex, it never has me. I dont see how having two kids can be that stressful, not when you think of the way years ago a lot of familys had six kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Has she or is she breast feeding ?? She's probably mentally n physically drained n even though he isnt she prob thinks all she is at the moment is a sex object to him n a mom n has lost her identiy, he should encourage her to do some things like go shopping with her mates without out him or kids where she's herself n not mom or partner,she I feel needs to find herself n believe in herself again. If I was him of get the intimacy back buy not lead it to sex, like cuddles on sofa when kids in bed, dnt know if makes any sense Wht I've said lol but hope might help

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By *g99 OP Couple
over a year ago

Well obviously your body changing can make you fell unsexy and I think a lot of people would agree! And we have to young children and we think looking after them is stressful but wouldn't change it for the world. But I don't see how you can say its not stressful when you don't live her life..

What you said actually makes a lot of sence!! We'll give him that advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes its not about the sex but the loving and the intimacy, you could advise him to take things back to a dating level with no expectations of sex.

Of course that can lead to communication but she should never feel pressured but she has to understand that lack of sex in a marriage is very damaging.

He needs to concentrate on opening up the communication rather than discussing the lack of sex

And yes it is stressfull and many woman suffer a poor body image following pregnancy and childbirth, if your lucky enough not to well done but it doesnt really help this discussion now does it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"could be post natal depression that's overriding everything.

Ask your friend to talk to her doctor"
YES and start to get to know each other again and making time to do things out=side the home ...

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By *g99 OP Couple
over a year ago

Thankyou for the imput... I do think time for themselves would be a great start! They struggle with money and are just getting by at the moment but I'm sure even a night in with a cooked meal could be a start

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thankyou for the imput... I do think time for themselves would be a great start! They struggle with money and are just getting by at the moment but I'm sure even a night in with a cooked meal could be a start"
Going out to a park the woods river beach Some lovely local places.. its dont have to cost alot just get them out of the house .When spring come can make a picnik and take that with them even .. we loved doing all that when out kids was little .. just us if mum had kids or with them was a lovely day out .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A good night out without the kids, hopefully they have good grandparents that would have them for the night, a normal night out having fun seeing other men looking at her would help make her realise that she's still attractive. It won't matter how much the husband tells her she's still sexy, she needs to see that others still look at her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know you feel bad about having stretch marks after having a baby, but you have to concentrate on your good points, no point in dweling too much on what you cants change, also anyone knows how stressful it can be if your worrying about lack of money too. im just saying it never put me off sex. They say that you should have sex with your partner even if you dont feel like it because you will start to like it again if you do, also having sex and orgasms strengthens pelvic floor muscels after giving birth.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A good night out without the kids, hopefully they have good grandparents that would have them for the night, a normal night out having fun seeing other men looking at her would help make her realise that she's still attractive. It won't matter how much the husband tells her she's still sexy, she needs to see that others still look at her. "
i think you have to lean to love yourself first having others say it is fine but dont last . she need to have time for her .. when you have family and things ... in life it takes over and forget about our own needs .

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By *g99 OP Couple
over a year ago

They probably get to go out together around once every 2/3 months on a night out drinking etc and she does get a lot of attention when we go out with them.. And he told us when she's d*unk that's the only time she's back to her oldself (sexually) anyway, doesn't care if the lights on will do the things she used to do.. All this advice sounds good to us and we do hope that some of it will work!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/03/12 11:31:27]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

keep re assuring her that she is still beautiful and still very much in love with her, that the imperfections she thinks she has are not like she thinks they are, and that he loves her unconditionally no matter what.

and take things very slowly and think before he says anything that may be taken wrongly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"keep re assuring her that she is still beautiful and still very much in love with her, that the imperfections she thinks she has are not like she thinks they are, and that he loves her unconditionally no matter what.

and take things very slowly and think before he says anything that may be taken wrongly"

Of all of the advice above, I too strongly believe that this post is the way forward... For both of them.

Patience is key. Time to rediscover your "you"

If I may add: keep "gently" reassuring her...

Good luck to you both..;-)

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

"Yes we have children ourselves.. And yes he talked to her about how he was feeling and she told him that she doesn't feel sexy anymore.. And I will advise him of that, but he said there relationship is apart from that quite well and they are happy. So I'm not sure if it would be post natal depression??"

Does sound like pnd to me if a normal healthy libido has disappeared.

i would suggest the doctors be their first port of call, modern anti depressants can work wonders and have very few side effects.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have one grown up son and dont see how having stretch marks can put a woman off having sex, it never has me. I dont see how having two kids can be that stressful, not when you think of the way years ago a lot of familys had six kids."

We are all different. I feel unsexy at the moment because my hair needs doing. It doesn't matter that unsolicited a couple of friends, male and female have commented on how nice it looks...it's how you see yourself.

Some women are also unrealistic. My sister changed when she had her daughter. She turned into "mum"...a 1950s fascimile of what she thought "mum" was...and it wasn't sexual.

Op, suggest to your friend to not mention sex. Make time for just the two of them. Pack the kids of to granny if possible. If money is tight a couple of pizza from Sainsbury's, two for £3, couple of cans/wine and a DVD cuddled on the sofa may lift his wifes spirits.

Above all talk to her and help with the kids/housework. Personally I'd avoid sexy undies. It implies she's at "fault" and needs to pull herself together.

I wish your friends well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does sound like pnd to me if a normal healthy libido has disappeared.

i would suggest the doctors be their first port of call, modern anti depressants can work wonders and have very few side effects."

True... Citalopram rocks...

A low dose just takes the edge off a hard day during times that sneak up behind you...

And pleease... Never believe that asking for this type of help will make you any less of a person... Sometimes we find ourselves in situations beyond our control...

These tablets, taken under medical advice, will help you be, or rediscover, the "real" you...;-)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my children were younger n I was in my 20s I will give u a example of Wht I was like for no reason my ex husband bought me a vibrator n porno I didn't know this I went up had bath after putting kids to bed, came down n he had laid lots of lovely things out candles petals I looked at him n porno n vib n went mental, for some reason women do go into themselves after having kids coz I know I'm not only one, now my kids are older my sex drive is through the roof lol, she I feel just needs patience n understanding like he's giving her,.

. And he's lucky hes got good friends like yourselves to help him, us women are a funny breed n so many times I've woken in bad mood n not known why

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By *g99 OP Couple
over a year ago

Thankyou all and we will pass these on to him, they are a very nice couple and would be a shame to see them both miserable due to a loss of identity.. Or may it be pnd but hopefully they will get there issues sorted

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