FabSwingers.com forum: jokes that do not offend

By *ssex_tom OP Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

Does anybody have a joke that does not offend some group or person?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought of one but it would offend vegans

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By *carlet_woman_xxWoman
over a year ago

somewhere

"I thought of one but it would offend vegans "

That made me laugh

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By *ssex_tom OP Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

A skeleton walks into bar and asks for a pint and a bucket and mop...?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A skeleton walks into bar and asks for a pint and a bucket and mop...?

Body shaming

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By *ssex_tom OP Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

Do vegans take offence generally ?

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By *ildbillkidMan
over a year ago

where the road goes on forever

What happens when ducks crash land? They quack up

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By *ssex_tom OP Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

Duck joke not offensive

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

What's brown and runs up your leg?

A homesick jobby

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By *n4MotionMan
over a year ago

Essex

What do you call a deer with no eye's .... No idea

What do you call a deer with no eye's and no legs ... Still no idea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone will always be offended..

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By *ildbillkidMan
over a year ago

where the road goes on forever

"Duck joke not offensive

"
well it is some fowl humor

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does anybody have a joke that does not offend some group or person?

No.... Quite the opposite

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

To see the idiot ...

Knock knock

Who's there

The chicken

If you find that offensive you're an idiot

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

"What do you call a deer with no eye's .... No idea

What do you call a deer with no eye's and no legs ... Still no idea

You missed one.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?

Still no fucking idea

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By *ily WhiteWoman
over a year ago

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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By *ssex_tom OP Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

"Why did the chicken cross the road ?

To see the idiot ...

Knock knock

Who's there

The chicken

If you find that offensive you're an idiot

You can't say idiot ..well you can but it may offend..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By *ssex_tom OP Man
over a year ago

Chelmsford

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back ?

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By *n4MotionMan
over a year ago

Essex

"What do you call a boomerang that won't come back ?"

a stick

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By *ildbillkidMan
over a year ago

where the road goes on forever

"What do you call a boomerang that won't come back ?"
ask willbe

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By *candiumWoman
over a year ago

oban

What's white and can't fly?

A fridge

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's white and stands in a field?

Worzel Gumfridge

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does anybody have a joke that does not offend some group or person?

what is black and white and read all over?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does anybody have a joke that does not offend some group or person?

what is green and red and jumps up and down in a lift?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a boomerang that won't come back ?ask willbe"

A stick too far

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does anybody have a joke that does not offend some group or person?

what do you call a wizard with a beard?

Hairy Potter

What do you call a wizard with a cold?

Harry Snotter

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

A ghost floats into a pub at 11.30 pm and says to the bar man

Double Scotch Whisky please.

And the barman says"We're closed- 'not allowed to retail spirits!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Man who worked for a local Fire Station came home from Work one day and told his Wife,

"You know, we have a wonderful system at the Fire Station.

Bell #1 rings and we all put on our Jackets.

Bell #2 rings and we all slide down the Pole.

Bell #3 rings and we're ready to go on the Trucks.

So from now on we're going to run this House of ours, the same way.

When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip Naked.

When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into Bed,

and when I say, Bell #3, we're going to make Love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled,

"Bell #1" and his Wife took off all her Clothes.

He then yelled "Bell #2" and his Wife jumped into Bed.

Then he yelled "Bell #3" and they began to make Love.

After 2 minutes, his Wife yelled -

"Bell #4.. Bell #4", The Husband asked,

"What's this Bell #4, all about…???"

And the Wife replied,

"More Hose, More Hose...! You're nowhere near the fucking Fire".. ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do vegans take offence generally ?"
no just the spare oxygen in the room

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By *orraine999Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere

"Why did the chicken cross the road ?

To see the idiot ...

Knock knock

Who's there

The chicken

If you find that offensive you're an idiot

I read this and spit my tea everywhere.

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By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

"Duck joke not offensive

"
oh really ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles!

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By *sgigglersCouple
over a year ago

Stoke on Trent

Twi snowmen in a field. One snowman turns to another and says; "Do you smell carrots?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man finds a lamp and rubs it. Out pops an ageing genie.

"You have one wish and one only" says the genie.

"Give me a twelve inch penis" says the man.

"Granted!" Replies the genie. A puff of smoke and there appears a little man with slicked hair, bow tie and long fingers.

"What's that?" demands the man.

Genie turns up his hearing aid " a twelve inch pianist.."

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By *urls and DressesWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere near here

What begins with P, ends with E and has lots of letters??

A post office!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's white and can't fly?

A fridge "
isn't there an American black footballer player called "The Fridge".. so that's racism

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By *iscreet UnicornWoman
over a year ago

Windsor-ish

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor...it went down a lane and turned into a field! Ba-dum-tsh!

Ill get me coat!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two black gay Jewish d*unk irishmen walked into a skyscraper...

you'd have thought 1 would have seen it !

( nothing offensive there,now move along )!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fish with three eyes.

a fiiish.

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By *iscreet UnicornWoman
over a year ago

Windsor-ish

What do you call a guy with a paper bag on his head--russel.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

It's Spring and the new ducklings are at the the water's edge. The nearest creature to them is a big ol' frog. One of the ducklings says to the frog "How deep is the water?"

And the frog says "kneedeep"

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By *xycpl699Couple
over a year ago

kilmarnock

One wee mouse says to other wee mouse cum round here see me hole

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By *adeiteWoman
over a year ago

Staffordshire

What's big red and eats rocks.

A big red rock eater.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What drugs do ducks smoke??

Quack

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By *eesideMan
over a year ago

margate sumwear by the sea

No cos in today's world someone is offended by something.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A Man who worked for a local Fire Station came home from Work one day and told his Wife,

"You know, we have a wonderful system at the Fire Station.

Bell #1 rings and we all put on our Jackets.

Bell #2 rings and we all slide down the Pole.

Bell #3 rings and we're ready to go on the Trucks.

So from now on we're going to run this House of ours, the same way.

When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip Naked.

When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into Bed,

and when I say, Bell #3, we're going to make Love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled,

"Bell #1" and his Wife took off all her Clothes.

He then yelled "Bell #2" and his Wife jumped into Bed.

Then he yelled "Bell #3" and they began to make Love.

After 2 minutes, his Wife yelled -

"Bell #4.. Bell #4", The Husband asked,

"What's this Bell #4, all about…???"

And the Wife replied,

"More Hose, More Hose...! You're nowhere near the fucking Fire".. ??"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and lies in the gutter.... A dead bus... I have always loved this joke for the picture it puts in my head

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s brown and sticky?

A stick "

Anal

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lol

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

What made teddy cum so fast.

Andy Pandy and lubey Lou

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By *irenGuy70Man
over a year ago

Cirencester

How many dance instructors does it take to change a lightbulb? 5678

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"How many dance instructors does it take to change a lightbulb? 5678"

Which PIN number would a sound engineer choose?

1 2 1 2

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

What would you find at the end of a Geologist's garden path?

Agate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stopped someone trying to steal my railings last night.

No offence was taken.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many tickles to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles!

Ps no octopus were hurt/offended in the making of this crap joke.

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

What do you call a septic cat?

Pus

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once I went on a date and gave her a blowjob afterwards, then I thought to myself

Ooo hang on a fucking minute

Hope this joke doesn’t offend anyone

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey."

I had to read that joke out loud 3 times before I got it!

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By *mm_n_ZedCouple
over a year ago

Fareham

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with C and ends in T?

A Coconut

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

I had to read that joke out loud 3 times before I got it!"

I still don’t get it.. I failed this joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your mother is so stupid she sits on the tele an watches the couch ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with C and ends in T?

A Coconut

Wrong, correct answer is surely CunT

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Whats green and brown, got six legs, and if it jumped at you from a tree would kill you?

…. a pool table!

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By *mm_n_ZedCouple
over a year ago

Fareham

"What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with C and ends in T?

A Coconut

Wrong, correct answer is surely CunT "

Hey - I think I just saw the punchline flying over your head!

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

I had to read that joke out loud 3 times before I got it!

I still don’t get it.. I failed this joke

Omg, so glad it wasn't just me!!

Read it out loud, and run the "Aye" and the "Matey" in together

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with C and ends in T?

A Coconut

Wrong, correct answer is surely CunT

Hey - I think I just saw the punchline flying over your head!

Please accept my sincere apologies

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Another one that took me a while to figure out.

Two birds on a perch, and one turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

I had to read that joke out loud 3 times before I got it!

I still don’t get it.. I failed this joke

Omg, so glad it wasn't just me!!

Read it out loud, and run the "Aye" and the "Matey" in together

Are you giving me home work??!

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By *histlerMan
over a year ago

Guildford

How do you programme a song for a Vice President?

With an algorithm

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 cows standing on a field, one says "moooo!" The other one turns around and says "fuck! I was gona say that!"

Yes, ill show myself out

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By *pitfiremk10Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name?

Well if he didn't he would be called

Ewar Woowar

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By *pitfiremk10Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

What's the similarity between a bank account and sex?

Once you've made a deposit you rapidly lose interest!

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

"How do you programme a song for a Vice President?

With an algorithm "

Erm… I don't get it?

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Some people take half an Aspirin per day for medicinal purposes.

My dad, who is 81, takes half a Viagra per day. Not because he's striking lucky. It keeps his feet dry when he goes for a pee!

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"How do you programme a song for a Vice President?

With an algorithm

Erm… I don't get it?

Al Gore rhythm

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By *ensualtouch15Man
over a year ago

ashby de la zouch

"Why did the chicken cross the road ?

To see the idiot ...

Knock knock

Who's there

The chicken

If you find that offensive you're an idiot

You can't say idiot ..well you can but it may offend.."

Yes but I think the suggestion is only an idiot would be offended by a joke that insults idiots

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

"How do you programme a song for a Vice President?

With an algorithm

Erm… I don't get it?

Al Gore rhythm

Ah... I see, you might have had better luck in telling that between 1993 - 2001 lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a teacher with no body, arms or legs?

The head

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

Why did the blind chicken cross the road?

To get to the birdseye shop

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and fluffy... pink fluff

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By *xMFM3sumsxxWoman
over a year ago

SouthWest Lancashire

[Removed by poster at 11/08/19 08:30:29]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.

"The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say:

"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make a bear cross?

Nail two, together.

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By *imnher17Couple
over a year ago

Mirfield

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg?

Dr Dre.

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

What word begins with N, ends with N, is 14 letters long and means Constipation?

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnn

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"Duck joke not offensive

well it is some fowl humor"

animal cruelty

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington

"What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg?

Dr Dre."

I didn’t get it at first glance

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By *orenzoVonMatterhornMan
over a year ago

Lincoln

"A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic.

"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

John Wayne visits a brothel and says to the madam “ how much for my company “? She says “ 40 dollars for an hour” So John Wayne shouts out “COMPANY FORRRWARD

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's a Pirates favourite letter?

It be the C

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A vegan, a femanist, and an Irishman all wall into a bar........oops sorry wrong thread

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

"Did you hear the one about the magic tractor...it went down a lane and turned into a field! Ba-dum-tsh!

Ill get me coat! "

Can I ask if this was a close to carbon neutral tractor? Because I would be offended by any joke the perpetuates normalisation polluting transportation means.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A little piece of gold walks into a bar .... the barman shouts A .... U!

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"It's Spring and the new ducklings are at the the water's edge. The nearest creature to them is a big ol' frog. One of the ducklings says to the frog "How deep is the water?"

And the frog says "kneedeep""

I dont get this ?

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

Like.

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

Like."

I like you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

Like.

I like you. "

I like you too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Her: You're always on your phone, you never pay attention to ME!!

Him: Maybe because my phone is smart and actually reacts when I finger it, Karen.

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"Her: You're always on your phone, you never pay attention to ME!!

Him: Maybe because my phone is smart and actually reacts when I finger it, Karen.

that works both ways

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By *r Appreciator.Man
over a year ago

Bedfordshire.

A weasel walks into a bar and the barman says “what can I get you?”

Pop goes the weasel

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By *ickygirl41Woman
over a year ago

Glasgow

Rene Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a pint.

The barman commented that he'd been coming in a lot and did he consider that he might have a drink problem?

Rene replied "I think not." Then promptly disappeared in a puff of logic.

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By *ingle ex cuckMan
over a year ago

chester

Lost my job at the bank on my first day

Woman asked me what her balence was like

So I pushed her over

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Everyone has the right to be offended about anything.

Just as we have the right not to give a fuck if they are

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By *ingle ex cuckMan
over a year ago

chester

My dad used to be in a band called the hinges

They were well surported

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

"My dad used to be in a band called the hinges

They were well surported "

I heard they folded

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By *pitfiremk10Man
over a year ago

Gloucester

There are 2 types of helicopter pilots. Those that have crashed and those that are going to crash.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Ones really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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