FabSwingers.com forum: Ladies; a question...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I've picked up on a few posts, specifically this morning but ongoing throughout my time on fab, regarding the emphasis being on a guy to make advances.

It may be through messaging, through making their attentions or attraction clear or through making the sexual advances. The emphasis is the same; guys chase.

It's hard enough being a guy; translating all of those subtle subtexts, picking out the mixed messages and then putting everything out there in the hope that we won't get slapped down and laughed at, without having to do all of the work too!

So, my question to all of you ladies out there is this; why?

I realise that it's not everyone that does it but those of you that do, why do you do it?

'just because I can' isn't an acceptable answer, by the way...

Tea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've picked up on a few posts, specifically this morning but ongoing throughout my time on fab, regarding the emphasis being on a guy to make advances.

It may be through messaging, through making their attentions or attraction clear or through making the sexual advances. The emphasis is the same; guys chase.

So, my question to all of you ladies out there is this; why?

I realise that it's not everyone that does it but those of you that do, why do you do it?

'just because I can' isn't an acceptable answer, by the way...

Tea"

Hey. I’m a chaser. If I like what I see, I’ll go after it but have noticed that some guys can’t cope

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do we do what?

Sit back and let the men do it all?

I don't, or didn't.. when i was meeting i used to message, wink or fab a few pics.. that always worked for me and ensured i got what i was looking for too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I message the ones that interest and intrigue me , the ones I like do know my intentions

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why do we do what?

Sit back and let the men do it all?

I don't, or didn't.. when i was meeting i used to message, wink or fab a few pics.. that always worked for me and ensured i got what i was looking for too"

Yip

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Because i’m shy, old fashioned and crap at picking up on signals that a guy is interested in me, unless he tells me. Plus there is the fear of rejection.

But mostly because i was brought up that if a guy liked you, he would move mountains, climb hills and valleys and plain old tell you that he was interested.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I have no idea how to chase and I don't want to make a fool of myself.

I try not to get into subtext or games though. If I'm interested I'll say, I try to be straightforward etc.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Plus if you read a lot of online guff about dating, women are told not to chase men. Men are supposed to have an in built instinct to chase women. Or some such thing. They like the challenge.

Supposedly.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Because i’m shy, old fashioned and crap at picking up on signals that a guy is interested in me, unless he tells me. Plus there is the fear of rejection.

But mostly because i was brought up that if a guy liked you, he would move mountains, climb hills and valleys and plain old tell you that he was interested."

Yes, doesn't a guy get to know that stuff from you too?

Is rejection awful?

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

Nice Post OP. As a guy that very rarely messages first but will respond to a wink, I often wonder whether I should try the "send a hundred messages" game.

But then I realise that men must outnumber women and couples by at least 30 to 1. When I have sent a message first, it has never been read or read and deleted. So now I don't.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I'm quite happy with all being equal and just talking about attraction... But I'm way too scared to tell people I want them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Plus if you read a lot of online guff about dating, women are told not to chase men. Men are supposed to have an in built instinct to chase women. Or some such thing. They like the challenge.

Supposedly."

I find this sad but true. A lot of men do also believe they shouldn’t be the chased...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most of the men I speak to on fab I have approached, especially from the forums.

In real life it’s the exact same, I’ll most likely do the approaching.

I don’t understand how to make myself ‘be chased’ or whatever. I’ve had many messages calling me a cocktease, or saying I’m worth the chase....

Bitch I’m not running

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By *llaboutthewifeCouple
over a year ago

Cardiff

I message but often they are looking for single females it seems, never mind

Jo x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not afraid to send the first message, I have done and still do...

I think a lot of women don't, because they don't need to here. If you're getting 100+ messages a day, a couple of them are likely to be half decent and if they're coming to you, no need to be looking yourself I guess.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have no idea how to chase and I don't want to make a fool of myself.

I try not to get into subtext or games though. If I'm interested I'll say, I try to be straightforward etc. "

Is it foolish to let them know that you're attracted to them? If that's the case then an awful lot of guys are very foolish

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

I think part of it's down to social expectations and constructs - women are expected to be wooed, men to do the wooing.

I think in an ideal world it would be the case that both parties participate in the "courtship" dance; men like to feel desired as much as women and a woman who is forward enough to say what she likes is a compliment in itself I imagine.

As someone who up until recently would always do the *chasing*, it can be really nerve wracking. You worry if you've been too crass, if they prefer women who aren't so forward etc.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I have no idea how to chase and I don't want to make a fool of myself.

I try not to get into subtext or games though. If I'm interested I'll say, I try to be straightforward etc.

Is it foolish to let them know that you're attracted to them? If that's the case then an awful lot of guys are very foolish

I don't consider it foolish when anyone does it but myself.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Plus if you read a lot of online guff about dating, women are told not to chase men. Men are supposed to have an in built instinct to chase women. Or some such thing. They like the challenge.

Supposedly."

The old hunter and prey stuff? That has no basis in fact, but does tie into treating women as objects.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

"Because i’m shy, old fashioned and crap at picking up on signals that a guy is interested in me, unless he tells me. Plus there is the fear of rejection.

But mostly because i was brought up that if a guy liked you, he would move mountains, climb hills and valleys and plain old tell you that he was interested.

Yes, doesn't a guy get to know that stuff from you too?

Is rejection awful? "

Yes rejection is awful. If it’s by someone you quite like. A tiny piece of self esteem slowly withers and dies.

I’m not very good socially anyway, so unless a man pounces on me i’d still not really know he was interested in me. But i grew up with a grampy who taught me that women should be “courted”. And they should initiate it. Twas then up to me how i responded to that initiation.

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By *estSussexGuy76Man
over a year ago

copthorne

On my time on here, I've found the ladies on here know exactly what they want.

From a guys point of view, all I can do is be myself, be respectful and don't treat this site like just any other site.

It's unique and very tailored to the individuals needs and wants ...

I may not have had meets but I'm certainly enjoying the forums for the time being

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

"Plus if you read a lot of online guff about dating, women are told not to chase men. Men are supposed to have an in built instinct to chase women. Or some such thing. They like the challenge.

Supposedly.

The old hunter and prey stuff? That has no basis in fact, but does tie into treating women as objects. "

Yes it’s like all this “no contact” rules and stuff that they also go on about when you have rows etc. It’s interesting to read it all but it does seem to have over complicated dating and such.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm not afraid to send the first message, I have done and still do...

I get that line of thought and explanation, it's not just on fab though, in sexual situations one on one, the expectation is often for guys to be the sexual aggressor.

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By *ily WhiteWoman
over a year ago

I quite enjoy doing the chasing, but I do find that some men don't like it

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

If I were more confident/ had a clue what the hell I was doing, I might be more forward. I like my "courting" to be a meeting of minds, mutual intrigue. I just can't... do the "I'm interested" thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm not afraid to send the first message, I have done and still do...

I get that line of thought and explanation, it's not just on fab though, in sexual situations one on one, the expectation is often for guys to be the sexual aggressor. "

I think that's starting to change though, I don't think that is expected always anymore and I think far more women are going after who they want nowadays. Still not equal, but it is changing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t think rejection is awful. If it’s at the beginning of the chase anyway. I need to be reminded that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea as in my opinion Fab can give women, and in particular, regular forum posters, a very skewed sense of self worth indeed...

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

I don't rejection on this site is at all bad, it means quite simply that someone does not want to fuck you and I can't understand why people have an issue with that.

I also think that normal rules do not apply on this site. Two good arguments appearing in this thread:

Why should women chase, they are outnumbered and receive a massive amount of attention

Why should men chase there are so many single men on here that you are one of many, the vast majority of whom will be ignored...

What the answer to that is I do not know

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think there are several reasons. Looking at the bigger picture it's a "man's role", it's what we've grown up with and what stereotyping has us believe is right.

In the sense of fab then the competition is high, guys don't really have a choice if they want to get anywhere, they have to "compete" but I do think that's just to get initial attention, I think most ladies on here are confident in their sexuality and their wants to be able to give as good as they get. Most of us know it's much more fun if the seduction goes both ways.

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

"I don’t think rejection is awful. If it’s at the beginning of the chase anyway. I need to be reminded that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea as in my opinion Fab can give women, and in particular, regular forum posters, a very skewed sense of self worth indeed..."

Ooh snap!

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By *carlet_woman_xxWoman
over a year ago

somewhere

I know what I want. I message who I'm attracted to or think I can have a laugh with. I don't expect a guy to jump through hoops. It should be a 2 way thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think its mostly down to women playing their 'stereotypical cards' when posting in the forums, possibly for laughs, mainly to mask the fact that they do all the chasing AND get what they want...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think part of it's down to social expectations and constructs - women are expected to be wooed, men to do the wooing.

As someone who up until recently would always do the *chasing*, it can be really nerve wracking. You worry if you've been too crass, if they prefer women who aren't so forward etc. "

I do agree with you on this, it certainly is a social construct and the perceived expectation of 'how things go'. It does irritate me though how the expectation is placed on the guy, it's almost like passing on responsibility for a persons own sexual engagement, which seems a little odd.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most of the meets I've had from here (and hopefully will have soon) are with men who I have approached

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By *aucy tiggerWoman
over a year ago

Back where I belong

I'm shy and also not good with subtly, so I hope I make my feelings clear through flirting but sometimes I don't read the signals correctly x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can relate to this as I massage and send winks and iv been on here awhile now and ever only had one massage back never a wink from couples or single women had winks of man that's about it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because i’m shy, old fashioned and crap at picking up on signals that a guy is interested in me, unless he tells me. Plus there is the fear of rejection.

But mostly because i was brought up that if a guy liked you, he would move mountains, climb hills and valleys and plain old tell you that he was interested."

Exactly this, plus I’ve tried being brave and approaching them first to be shot down in flames. Some days my confidence can’t take it. And I think my age and size goes against me x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think there are several reasons. Looking at the bigger picture it's a "man's role", it's what we've grown up with and what stereotyping has us believe is right.

I'm waiting for GM to turn up with his 'it's far more equal' point as a rebuttal.

It is far more fun if its mutual, as with all things. Any interaction is far better if you're both equal, being passive leads to disappointment...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think its mostly down to women playing their 'stereotypical cards' when posting in the forums, possibly for laughs, mainly to mask the fact that they do all the chasing AND get what they want..."

Do they do all the chasing?! I think I missed that one!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

for women of my age it wasn't socially acceptable for us to do the "chasing". That's hard to shake off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll message people, however the one I didn't message first was B.

We had been flirting somewhat on the forums and I was mega crushing on him. He hadn't sent a first message in 18 months if not more so I guess I saw it as a symbol that I was worth the extra effort. I said quite openly that I wasn't gonna send the first one but I would like to see his name in my box.

And here we are!

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

Agreee with this except... I don't know think it's regular forum posters but just some women in general on fab. Probably because of the amount of attention they get it over inflates their ego.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think its mostly down to women playing their 'stereotypical cards' when posting in the forums, possibly for laughs, mainly to mask the fact that they do all the chasing AND get what they want...

Do they do all the chasing?! I think I missed that one! "

A lot do..me included..

Are you just being selective to make for a more provocative argument?

Many women on here have said they do the chasing

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

It’s a two way street here and in life.

I’m not shy and if I like someone I will explore more

You learn to pick up on signals or how they react to certain things, if seems positive you move it up a notch. I find subtle is definitely best rather than a full on attack

It is about a meeting of minds so if they understand the signs, it’s a great start. You don’t have to be crude to find out they are a good fit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Agreee with this except... I don't know think it's regular forum posters but just some women in general on fab. Probably because of the amount of attention they get it over inflates their ego."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think its mostly down to women playing their 'stereotypical cards' when posting in the forums, possibly for laughs, mainly to mask the fact that they do all the chasing AND get what they want...

Do they do all the chasing?! I think I missed that one!

A lot do..me included..

Are you just being selective to make for a more provocative argument?

Many women on here have said they do the chasing"

My intention was to be mildly provocative yes, I was being a little tongue in cheek with my statement.

As I said in my OP; I know that many do, my fab experience has been partially based around those that do message first. I'm also aware that those that do are in the minority and that many do 'lean into' gender stereotypes for various reasons.

I'm not trying to point fingers here, I'm interested as to motives and (as always with me) shedding a little light and possibly changing attitudes a little...

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