FabSwingers.com forum: What would you do? Creepy club member...

By *alaciousCurves OP Woman
over a year ago

Gainsborough

I went to a swingers club recently for an event, and a member who was there kept asking me when I was going to have sex with him, not actually considering if I even wanted to, and at one point I was coming down the stairs and he was coming up. He blocked my way, kissed me uninvited (I hate kissing!), groped and touched me innappropriately and tried to make me go back upstairs with him. I know it's a swimgers/sex club but even so, consent is still super important, right? And I certainly did not consent to him touching me like that

He made me feel so uncomfortable and was setting off so many alarm bells, he literally made my skin crawl

I was chatting to another member and I mentioned how creepy this guy was coming across and he said that he always acts like that, that he feels entitled to the women who go because he is part of the 'event' and we're all there because of him.

What would you do in these circs? I emailed the club yesterday with my concerns but haven't heard anything back yet.

I'm deliberately trying to be vague as I know he's on here. But if you want to know who and where it was you can PM me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Report him to the club staff immediately. What he did was out of order and constitutes sexual assault.

If the club won't do anything at the time, go to the Police.

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By *lanPartridgeMan
over a year ago

nottingham

The same rules regarding your bodily privacy and safety apply whether you're walking down the street or in a swingers' club. Call the Feds if necessary.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What he did was assault, pure and simple. The fact that he's involved in the event makes it even worse!

Anyone involved with clubs should know and understand personal boundaries and consent. Most clubs would never stand for this kind of thing, especially not if they want to remain open!

Personally I would have shouted about it to whoever was within earshot and in public too. Who knows how many people they've done it to before or will do it to in the future.

Tea

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By *utchersDogMan
over a year ago

Orpington

Report to the club ASAP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Report to staff immediately and any decent club will turf him out the door.

Not ok!

Consent is needed in all situations. Being at a club isn't a free pass for anyone to touch you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mail them again, and say you have been asking for advice since you haven't responded yet. If I do not get a satisfied response and action, I will go to the police and report it as a sexual assault. Do not assume I will be too embarrassed to report it happening in a sex club. If I have the confidence to attend your club alone, I have no qualms about talking to police.

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By *alaciousCurves OP Woman
over a year ago

Gainsborough

I'm kicking myself for not doing anything at the time, I just brushed it off and it was only later when I was thinking about it that I realised I was a bloody idiot for not doing anything

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

None of what happened should have, plain and simple, it's a gross invasion of privacy at best and assault and beyond at worst - just because it was in a swingers club doesn't make it any different from if it had happened walking down the street - I'd have spoken to management there and then but following up with an email is the next best thing, and hopefully they'll pay attention and take action regardless of whether this person was part of the "event" or not.

If necessary, and you feel able to, I'd consider taking it to the police too - although that may require witnesses, otherwise could end up as your word against his.

Sorry to hear it's happened to you though and hope you're ok

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Report user on here to admin. You have reported him to the club. If he's there again and attempts it again in the club report to staff.

In clubs the women have the upper hand. The club's don't work without the women there unless it's a gay club and if there is a guy who is ruining your experience he's probably ruining other people's experiences.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm kicking myself for not doing anything at the time, I just brushed it off and it was only later when I was thinking about it that I realised I was a bloody idiot for not doing anything

You're not the idiot. He is!

Sometimes it's such a shock you don't know what to do. I've had a similar experience and didn't say anything at the time.

Persist with the club now though, make sure they know what he's doing and they should ban him so he can't do it to you or anyone else at that club again.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

Christ if that was me if he kissed as he was coming up some stairs he would of ended up at the bottom of them.

I'd be really disappointed if the club didn't respond to your email, they have a duty to if you ask me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP your not an Idiot ! If you feel as though you cant go to the authorities ( im not sure I would either ) or you feel your concerns aren't being taken seriously then please don't go back there stay safe. xx

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Unfortunately, the ideal time for a club to take action is when the offending member is in attendance and you can report them: but this is often the time when you are potentially least able to, due to the effect that they've had upon you.

No club permits physical contact that is not agreed to. They would also likely not permit someone who behaves inappropriately, such as aggressive approaches etc.

They would also be reluctant to act, such as by cancelling someone's membership, in their absence, in case they are accusing and punishing someone in error - such as if they don't identify the actual perpetrator. They would typically be banned and not gain any financial or other recompense, so it can have strict repurcussions. And so it should, as everyone understands the club's rules, when they join and agree to them.

You have done nothing wrong, so it's unfortunate that you are subject to then investing your resources on getting to improve the club's experience for everyone. It might be worth a phone call to them, to discuss what happened: obviously your email may have elaborated in a more detailed way than this forum post, but this is clear that what they did was totally wrong.

Everyone would completely respect you for what you've done - thanks for doing this! I've had inappropriate things happen at clubs and it does deter people and could cause extreme harm. A lot of clubs don't have huge amounts of staff/resources, nor are open every day: they certainly will find his behaviour absolutely wrong for their business and will be concerned for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That behaviour is never tolerated in a club. Do not wait until you return home, to complain to the club; find a member of staff IMMEDIATELY who can deal with the offender instantly. Any respectful club would not tolerate this behaviour at all. I reiterate though; report it immediately, do not wait xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What he did was sexual assault, a criminal offence. The least you should do is let the staff know immediately and get him removed from the club, ideally he should be reported to the police.

The location of the crime is immaterial, being in a swingers club is no different to being in a supermarket - he sexually assaulted you. Consent applies to both situations without question and without fail.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"That behaviour is never tolerated in a club. Do not wait until you return home, to complain to the club; find a member of staff IMMEDIATELY who can deal with the offender instantly. Any respectful club would not tolerate this behaviour at all. I reiterate though; report it immediately, do not wait xx"

It's not always that easy....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wouldn’t have mentioned you’re prepared to tell anyone through DM’s who he is. So called admins will likely delete the thread and ban you. Seen it happen a few times on here when women allege they’ve been assaulted. It’s an ‘oh shit we don’t want this on our site even if it’s true’ type of scare for them. They’ll be no support or any other form of help from this site.

Report the freak to the club and to the police. You’ve been sexually harassed and assaulted. His actions against women will only get worse if he’s not stopped.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not always that easy...."

Why not? It should always be that easy. Our club would not put up with that behaviour from anyone.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

That's not good. You should report him to the club at the time - really not nice

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By *alaciousCurves OP Woman
over a year ago

Gainsborough

"Wouldn’t have mentioned you’re prepared to tell anyone through DM’s who he is. So called admins will likely delete the thread and ban you. Seen it happen a few times on here when women allege they’ve been assaulted. It’s an ‘oh shit we don’t want this on our site even if it’s true’ type of scare for them. They’ll be no support or any other form of help from this site.

Report the freak to the club and to the police. You’ve been sexually harassed and assaulted. His actions against women will only get worse if he’s not stopped."

Ahh true, bugger

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not always that easy....

Why not? It should always be that easy. Our club would not put up with that behaviour from anyone. "

Not due to the club...

I know when it happened to me at a club the first time, I was in shock and physically couldn't say anything. Then there's the internal dialogue you have with yourself, "did I lead him on in some way?" "Was it my fault?" "Am I overreacting?"

Sometimes it's hard to speak up.

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By *alaciousCurves OP Woman
over a year ago

Gainsborough

I didn't even think about the forum rules

I guess I should ask for this to be deleted, shouldn't I?

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Do these clubs not have doormen like regular nightclubs? Sounds like he needs dragging out by the scruff of his neck and banning indefinitely!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would and have reported it. I was at a club last year and someone I am acquainted with, bent over to grab something in the smoking area and a random man came up behind her and groped her private area. She was very embarrassed. I ended up losing my temper and telling him that was assault. He literally eye rolled me, called me a snowflake and said it was a sex club. If women didn't want guys feeling them up, they shouldn't be there. That's what thats type of clubs were for. I won't repeat what I said next, but suffice to say, as soon as i was finished with my dressing down, we went straight to the bar and reported him.

Holly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not always that easy....

Why not? It should always be that easy. Our club would not put up with that behaviour from anyone. "

Sometimes shock kicks in or the sense of not wanting to rock the boat.

I've been in this situation with my ex partner and it was my reaction that brought about action, not hers. The fault is always with the perpetrator not the victim.

It's easy to say "why didn't you speak up?" but in the situation it's rarely that straightforward.

Tea

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By *alaciousCurves OP Woman
over a year ago

Gainsborough

I reported the thread to admin so it'll probably disappear soon. I hope they don't kick me off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not always that easy....

Why not? It should always be that easy. Our club would not put up with that behaviour from anyone.

Sometimes shock kicks in or the sense of not wanting to rock the boat.

I've been in this situation with my ex partner and it was my reaction that brought about action, not hers. The fault is always with the perpetrator not the victim.

It's easy to say "why didn't you speak up?" but in the situation it's rarely that straightforward.

Tea"

You said what I wanted to say in a much better way lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I didn't even think about the forum rules

I guess I should ask for this to be deleted, shouldn't I?"

If it contravenes rules then it will be removed. Personally I think it's an important conversation to be had. Consent, assault and clubs are necessary dialogues.

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

It's not always that easy....

Why not? It should always be that easy. Our club would not put up with that behaviour from anyone. "

But it's not.

Ask anyone that knows me, I am the most capable person they know. I don't put up with bullshit or innapropriate behaviour.

I've done doorwork for 30yrs, dealing with all manner of behaviour, even threatened with weapons, I don't back down.

But the first time someone behaved that way towards me on a club, I froze. Complete rabbit in headlights moment.

I allowed a man to assault me.

And I felt completly powerless

I couldn't even talk about it, not even to my best friends til weeks later

So no, it's not that easy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not always that easy....

Why not? It should always be that easy. Our club would not put up with that behaviour from anyone.

But it's not.

Ask anyone that knows me, I am the most capable person they know. I don't put up with bullshit or innapropriate behaviour.

I've done doorwork for 30yrs, dealing with all manner of behaviour, even threatened with weapons, I don't back down.

But the first time someone behaved that way towards me on a club, I froze. Complete rabbit in headlights moment.

I allowed a man to assault me.

And I felt completly powerless

I couldn't even talk about it, not even to my best friends til weeks later

So no, it's not that easy "

Spot on!

I think very few people react in the way they always thought they would

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By *elma and ShaggyCouple
over a year ago

Bedworth

Op looking through this it appears you did nothing at the time. Whenever anything like this happens you need to report it to the club staff and then they can take appropriate action. It’s too late afterwards!

If this happens to you again please report to club staff at the time. What usually happens is that the person acting inappropriately is asked to leave and sometimes banned from coming back. Clubs don’t want people like this there. Word gets around and ladies and couples stop going, next thing you know their business is going down the pan.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Op looking through this it appears you did nothing at the time. Whenever anything like this happens you need to report it to the club staff and then they can take appropriate action. It’s too late afterwards!

Please stop telling the OP off for not reporting it immediately!

So damaging! It's not that straightforward!

And it's definitely not too late now!

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

1) You have not handled this in a wrong way.

2) if he is on here report your concerns to Fab.

3) Chase the club if no response ring them.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you can’t account for a completely natural reaction to this and that’s to think what the fuck and freeze!!?!

Don’t let it put you off clubs.

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By *JohnMan
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Absolutely. It's best to report it immediately, but far better to do it late than not at all. The club can't do anything unless they know.

It sounds like this guy is a repeat offender, and no one has reported him in the past. Perhaps they're too 'rabbit-in-headlights' at the time, and think it's too late when they get home.

If he had been reported before, and the club took the appropriate action, this incident wouldn't have happened.

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By *elma and ShaggyCouple
over a year ago

Bedworth

Please stop telling the OP off for not reporting it immediately!

So damaging! It's not that straightforward!

And it's definitely not too late now!

As a lady who has experienced sexual assault in a club, it IS that straightforward!

If you’re not prepared to open your mouth at the time then how are the staff expected to know that you’ve been assaulted and deal with it? They are not mind readers! Those of us reading this on a forum have only what the op has told us to go on. How do we know what actually happened? If not reported to the club at the time, how do they know what happened? More to the point, how do they know exactly which member is responsible if you don’t report it until some days/weeks later? If someone you don’t know assaults you in a club and you report it at the time they can ask you to point out who is responsible

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Report him to the club staff immediately. What he did was out of order and constitutes sexual assault.

If the club won't do anything at the time, go to the Police."

This. Staff should sort it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please stop telling the OP off for not reporting it immediately!

So damaging! It's not that straightforward!

And it's definitely not too late now!

As a lady who has experienced sexual assault in a club, it IS that straightforward!

Maybe it was that straight forward for you. But it sure as fuck wasn't for me, or many many others.

I think it's disgusting to try and make someone feel bad for not reporting something that in the moment, they didn't feel able to, for whatever reason.

We all react in different ways.

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By *elma and ShaggyCouple
over a year ago

Bedworth

Please stop telling the OP off for not reporting it immediately!

So damaging! It's not that straightforward!

And it's definitely not too late now!

As a lady who has experienced sexual assault in a club, it IS that straightforward!

Maybe it was that straight forward for you. But it sure as fuck wasn't for me, or many many others.

I think it's disgusting to try and make someone feel bad for not reporting something that in the moment, they didn't feel able to, for whatever reason.

We all react in different ways. "

I get that but please explain why you have jumped on me in particular, there are many others said similar but you have only jumped on me. Why?

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By *ruesome-twosomeCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Something similar happened to us I the male was groped in the jacuzzi by the female hostess of the event we were invited to in a club.

I initially thought it was K touching me but realized it wasn't when I felt K touch my shoulder I didn't know what to say as they had invited us. We moved away but we didn't think we could say anything because they were hosting the party and I also think that she thought it was acceptable to grope a man with invitation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not always that easy....

Why not? It should always be that easy. Our club would not put up with that behaviour from anyone.

Not due to the club...

Sometimes it's hard to speak up."

Eileen I am so, so sorry you had to experience this (in an environment that should be completely safe) and completely understand how hard it must be to report it immediately or even afterwards, or even just talk about it with friends. I just wanted to put across the point that if you are able to do so, reporting it straight away is sometimes the best way of dealing with it. I totally agree that this isn't always possible and can be so difficult after such a very traumatic incident.

I commented mainly in the hope should it happen again (or to anyone else reading this), the clubs and staff are trained to handle these issues in a professional manner. This is never tolerated or accepted; the clubs first and foremost want to ensure the establishments are a safe and free environment, where you shouldn't have to out up with horrible behaviour. It's not right and it's not acceptable xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please stop telling the OP off for not reporting it immediately!

So damaging! It's not that straightforward!

And it's definitely not too late now!

As a lady who has experienced sexual assault in a club, it IS that straightforward!

Maybe it was that straight forward for you. But it sure as fuck wasn't for me, or many many others.

I think it's disgusting to try and make someone feel bad for not reporting something that in the moment, they didn't feel able to, for whatever reason.

We all react in different ways.

I get that but please explain why you have jumped on me in particular, there are many others said similar but you have only jumped on me. Why?"

I actually did comment on others who said it should have been reported immediately.

I specifically picked up on yours due to the language used. "It appears you didn't nothing at the time", "it's too late afterwards". That kind of comment isn't helpful. All it does is make that person feel they've done something wrong. Then there was "it is that straightforward"...I've had exactly the same experience near enough, didn't report it at the time, didn't feel I could. It wasn't that straightforward for me, and it isn't for many others.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not always that easy....

Why not? It should always be that easy. Our club would not put up with that behaviour from anyone.

Not due to the club...

Sometimes it's hard to speak up.

Totally agree, reporting it immediately is the best thing to do, and I gave the same advice on my first post. I'm merely pointing out that it's not always so easy to do so and that by not reporting it then and there, the OP hasn't done anything wrong.

Thank you

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By *wingfellowMan
over a year ago

my own little sanctuary

Doesn’t matter where it took place or whom committed it. If it weren’t consensual then something should happen about it and the only real approach to take is to report it to the appropriate authority. Giving staff a heads up is courteous but ultimately the nature of it often means you’re essentially stunned for a while afterwards so I’d say if you didn’t alert staff at the time it’s still good practice to let them know any of action you intend to take. Nobody can fault you for wanting it to be properly handled. Safety extends beyond just yourself, got to consider others who may not have such strength to address this kind of thing too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just to reiterate; it's never EVER too late to report bad behaviour. Clubs have a membership for a reason. People can be traced; people can be brought to account for wrong actions.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just to reiterate; it's never EVER too late to report bad behaviour. Clubs have a membership for a reason. People can be traced; people can be brought to account for wrong actions."

Absolutely this

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By *elma and ShaggyCouple
over a year ago

Bedworth

Please stop telling the OP off for not reporting it immediately!

So damaging! It's not that straightforward!

And it's definitely not too late now!

As a lady who has experienced sexual assault in a club, it IS that straightforward!

Maybe it was that straight forward for you. But it sure as fuck wasn't for me, or many many others.

I think it's disgusting to try and make someone feel bad for not reporting something that in the moment, they didn't feel able to, for whatever reason.

We all react in different ways.

I get that but please explain why you have jumped on me in particular, there are many others said similar but you have only jumped on me. Why?

I actually did comment on others who said it should have been reported immediately.

It’s time for me to step back from this before I allow my emotions to take over I say something which goes too far. The personal attacks on me from yourself and another member on this thread have really angered and upset me and are uncalled for.

Thank you for making me cry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please stop telling the OP off for not reporting it immediately!

So damaging! It's not that straightforward!

And it's definitely not too late now!

As a lady who has experienced sexual assault in a club, it IS that straightforward!

Maybe it was that straight forward for you. But it sure as fuck wasn't for me, or many many others.

I think it's disgusting to try and make someone feel bad for not reporting something that in the moment, they didn't feel able to, for whatever reason.

We all react in different ways.

I get that but please explain why you have jumped on me in particular, there are many others said similar but you have only jumped on me. Why?

I actually did comment on others who said it should have been reported immediately.

Thank you for making me cry

I haven't personally attacked you at all! I disagreed with something you said. I wasn't rude, I made no personal comments about you.

Your comments upset me. It happens.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Report him and if the club don't ban him then leave a bad review

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Report it ? What a women on her own in a club, so the guy gets thrown out, waits till she leaves follows her home, then her whole world can turn shit. Stalked to fuck ! She did the right thing by not reporting it immediately.

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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago

Plymouth

Definitely report him!! And if the club don't act I'd seriously consider not going back!!

We went to an event recently where the host was so respectful he even asked if he could hug as we left!! Didn't just take it as a given.

People shouldn't just assume it's ok to touch.

That said we go to an organised party regularly and there's what they call the grope cage. You go in there of your own free will and it is a free for all pretty much but you accept that before you use it! Might not be for everyone and those who don't like it don't use it. I love it and it's my choice. Still the guys usually ask if they can have sex with you before just doing it. Where as the touching as I say is a given. But that's in that one area the rest of the party is strictly by invite only!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Report it ? What a women on her own in a club, so the guy gets thrown out, waits till she leaves follows her home, then her whole world can turn shit. Stalked to fuck ! She did the right thing by not reporting it immediately."

Fair point.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fair point.

Yup, honestly hadn't even thought of that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I would and have reported it. I was at a club last year and someone I am acquainted with, bent over to grab something in the smoking area and a random man came up behind her and groped her private area. She was very embarrassed. I ended up losing my temper and telling him that was assault. He literally eye rolled me, called me a snowflake and said it was a sex club. If women didn't want guys feeling them up, they shouldn't be there. That's what thats type of clubs were for. I won't repeat what I said next, but suffice to say, as soon as i was finished with my dressing down, we went straight to the bar and reported him.

Holly"

What did they do about him?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Theres only one bit of advice left that hasnt been offered.

Get nice and close, smile sweetly and use your elbow, not your fist.

If he doesnt hit the floor immediately, follow it up with the backhand.

By that time you should hope that staff will be on scene and dealing with it.

As others have said, he needs to be dealt with before he becomes a real predator.

Whats the difference between a cheeky handful of bum and full on r*pe to a man like that?

Time and circumstance.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A hugely emotive subject for those that it has happened to.

The thing I can take away from this is that I will continue to be extremely aware of consent at clubs as well as offer my support to anyone who encounter this at a club.

I am appalled that this happens in clubs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Holly

What did they do about him?"

In all honesty, I'm not sure. I went and joined my friends after. I didn't see him for the rest of the night though and it's not a big club

Holly

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By *eastAndTheHarlotCouple
over a year ago

Hartlepool

Wanted to pm and ask what club. Something like this would be a massive trigger for me but your profile is hidden.

I know rules are rules but we have a right to want to keep ourselves safe right?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would of lampd shit out of him for touching my wife. Then had him slung out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fair point.

Yup, honestly hadn't even thought of that."

The times that I've been present when anyone has been reported, the offender is told, in no uncertain terms, that they need to leave the area or the police will be called. The management will make sure that they get in their car and go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fair point.

Yup, honestly hadn't even thought of that.

I've been to clubs where the staff have said "oh just ignore him, he's a regular". He goes often and they don't want to lose a single man's entrance fee.

Same for men in couples and women.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fair point.

Yup, honestly hadn't even thought of that.

I've been to clubs where the staff have said "oh just ignore him, he's a regular". He goes often and they don't want to lose a single man's entrance fee.

Same for men in couples and women. "

Oh, I've experienced that too. I was in a club with my ex partner and she was touched whilst we were playing in a public area.

We went to the bar to complain to find one staff member (the other was having sex in the jacuzzi) who's response was "well if you find him and bring him here, I'll have a word."

Suffice to say, we never returned and made our feelings explicitly clear. The club changed hands not long after.

Tea

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By *alaciousCurves OP Woman
over a year ago

Gainsborough

To be fair I think he'd have to be super dedicated to follow me home, I live a good 75-90min drive away from the club.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To be fair I think he'd have to be super dedicated to follow me home, I live a good 75-90min drive away from the club."

And have very good eyesight to be able to spot a specific female in a dark car two hours later...

I think that any idea that deters someone from reporting assault at any point should very quickly be ignored.

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