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Let down by someone you love

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk

So my eldest son has just dropped the bombshell on me that he is getting married so that he can move into military accommodation with his girlfriend.

Now what really gets me is I also found out his girlfriend had a miscarriage back in April but I knew nothing about it.

He is only 19 and personally I think he has just thrown his life away.

Disappointed in him is an understatement.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does he know you are both on here ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally."

I’m the same, I just find it awkward to talk about as no one really knows what to say.

The best you can do is support your son, don’t push him away. He’ll resent it, and you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

I’m the same, I just find it awkward to talk about as no one really knows what to say.

The best you can do is support your son, don’t push him away. He’ll resent it, and you. "

Yeah, that's often played a part in my decision to keep it quiet.

Absolutely agree!

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"Does he know you are both on here ? "

I dont see what relevance that has to what he has done.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are you disappointed? Surely it's admirable to see him happy and making plans for his future?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why are you disappointed? Surely it's admirable to see him happy and making plans for his future? "
kids a grown arse man

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Does he know you are both on here ?

I dont see what relevance that has to what he has done. "

He may be disappointed in you if he knew

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Does he know you are both on here ?

I dont see what relevance that has to what he has done. "

I think it's very likely that it's a comparison and lesson in doing what makes you happy, you being on here may disappoint your son if he knew, but it makes you happy.

Your son wants his own happiness.

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He's not let you down though, has he? His life is his to live as he so chooses. He doesn't 'owe' you a particular set of choices. I find the wording of the title quite strange.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had my first miscarriage at 18, I also got engaged at 18 (married at 20) and moved out into my own home at 17 with my now-husband. I’d be gutted and heartbroken if my family thought I had thrown my life away.

My mum did sit me down for a chat and asked me if this is what I wanted, did I not want to go travelling or something before I settled down. Told her no, reassured her this is what I wanted and her (and my whole family) were (and still are) thrilled for me.

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally."

Worst thing is I was the same when I was younger. I couldn't tell my parents either.

I just thought we were always close but I was obviously wrong.

Its him getting married and just telling us on Friday night over the phone that shook me.

Didnt see that one coming.

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By *anger mouse and EmmaCouple
over a year ago

Honiton


"He's not let you down though, has he? His life is his to live as he so chooses. He doesn't 'owe' you a particular set of choices. I find the wording of the title quite strange. "

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

It's pretty drastic if he's only marrying to get military accommodation I certainly don't agree with that. My daughter is renting a flat soon with her girlfriend who's in the Forces,I wouldn't be happy for her to marry just to get accommodation.

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"He's not let you down though, has he? His life is his to live as he so chooses. He doesn't 'owe' you a particular set of choices. I find the wording of the title quite strange. "

It's the only way I could think of wording it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

Worst thing is I was the same when I was younger. I couldn't tell my parents either.

I just thought we were always close but I was obviously wrong.

Its him getting married and just telling us on Friday night over the phone that shook me.

Didnt see that one coming. "

Everyone deals with things in different ways.

If he's happy with her it should be fantastic news!

As others have said, support him, be happy for him when it's good, be there for him if it goes wrong.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor


"Does he know you are both on here ?

I dont see what relevance that has to what he has done. "

Secrets I suppose,we all have them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Isn't part of being a parent about allowing your child to find their way in the world and possibly to make mistakes and learn from them?

He's 19 which is young but he's also in the military which shows he has some maturity about him. My parents got married at 19 and are still together 40 years later.

The fact that you're so disappointed in him may factor into why he didn't tell you about the miscarriage, it must've been so upsetting for them and at that time they would have needed support and not judgement.

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"It's pretty drastic if he's only marrying to get military accommodation I certainly don't agree with that. My daughter is renting a flat soon with her girlfriend who's in the Forces,I wouldn't be happy for her to marry just to get accommodation."

My current partner and both parents are both ex Military.

When he joined we were over the moon as he had a bit of direction in life.

Now he has taken an obscure posting and committed himself in that location for the next 5 years.

I've seen it myself with younger couples that are married in the forces. Can be very hard work.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

I’m the same, I just find it awkward to talk about as no one really knows what to say.

The best you can do is support your son, don’t push him away. He’ll resent it, and you. "

I understand the OP'S feelings

If you don't have a child you ll see it differently .

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

The thing with children is there comes a time when you have to let them live their lives.

At first glance I'd say he's too young and doing it for the wrong reason. He may live to regret it. Hopefully he won't.

You just have to let them do their thing and be there to listen when they are ready to talk.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

I’m the same, I just find it awkward to talk about as no one really knows what to say.

The best you can do is support your son, don’t push him away. He’ll resent it, and you.

I understand the OP'S feelings

If you don't have a child you ll see it differently .

"

No, but I have also been in the situation where my in laws didn’t support anything my husband did, and he ended up cutting them off for almost two years and resented them. It’s taken a lot of work to build their relationship up again. You can want the best for your child, but at the end of the day the best thing you can do is support them.

And don’t worry, I’ll have a child by September, so maybe then my opinion will be worth merit.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor


"It's pretty drastic if he's only marrying to get military accommodation I certainly don't agree with that. My daughter is renting a flat soon with her girlfriend who's in the Forces,I wouldn't be happy for her to marry just to get accommodation.

My current partner and both parents are both ex Military.

When he joined we were over the moon as he had a bit of direction in life.

Now he has taken an obscure posting and committed himself in that location for the next 5 years.

I've seen it myself with younger couples that are married in the forces. Can be very hard work."

I married a forces man and spent the first 12 years of our marriage in Germany,it can be hard but there's not a lot you can do is there,we all make our own way in life. Just try and support him.

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

I would be more worried about him wanting a baby at 19 than getting married. It's a more life changing commitment than marriage.

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"Isn't part of being a parent about allowing your child to find their way in the world and possibly to make mistakes and learn from them?

He's 19 which is young but he's also in the military which shows he has some maturity about him. My parents got married at 19 and are still together 40 years later.

The fact that you're so disappointed in him may factor into why he didn't tell you about the miscarriage, it must've been so upsetting for them and at that time they would have needed support and not judgement. "

I only found out about the miscarriage about two minutes after he told me was getting married.

As yourself and others have said he is an adult and it's his decision.

I just thought we were closer than that and he would have let me know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

I’m the same, I just find it awkward to talk about as no one really knows what to say.

The best you can do is support your son, don’t push him away. He’ll resent it, and you.

I understand the OP'S feelings

If you don't have a child you ll see it differently .

"

You don't need to have experienced something to be able to empathise and understand.

Nor do you need to have birthed and/or raised a child to know what it's like to love one and want the best for them.

Surely that's all any parent should want isn't it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Does he know you are both on here ?

I dont see what relevance that has to what he has done. "
the army can be a good life, you get fit and see the world, relationships come and go

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"I would be more worried about him wanting a baby at 19 than getting married. It's a more life changing commitment than marriage. "

Exactly this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

I’m the same, I just find it awkward to talk about as no one really knows what to say.

The best you can do is support your son, don’t push him away. He’ll resent it, and you.

I understand the OP'S feelings

If you don't have a child you ll see it differently .

No, but I have also been in the situation where my in laws didn’t support anything my husband did, and he ended up cutting them off for almost two years and resented them. It’s taken a lot of work to build their relationship up again. You can want the best for your child, but at the end of the day the best thing you can do is support them.

And don’t worry, I’ll have a child by September, so maybe then my opinion will be worth merit. "

I didn't say your opinion wasn't worth merit .

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By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago

Chippenham Malmesbury area

[Removed by poster at 01/07/19 15:58:34]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unless you've jumped off a bridge, you've never thrown your life away at the age of 19.

Our kids have to make their own mistakes. We're just there to catch them when they fall or preferably, revel in their glory.

If I thought I'd lived the perfect life, I'd be preaching to my kids 24/7. As it is, I'd rather leave it them, they'll probably make a better job of it.

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By *anilla no kinkWoman
over a year ago

plymouth


"So my eldest son has just dropped the bombshell on me that he is getting married so that he can move into military accommodation with his girlfriend.

Now what really gets me is I also found out his girlfriend had a miscarriage back in April but I knew nothing about it.

He is only 19 and personally I think he has just thrown his life away.

Disappointed in him is an understatement.

"

As a single mum to 2 kids I’ve learnt you’ve got to let them make mistakes and be there for them .Dont judge them however much you feel they’ve let you down .A parents love is unconditional

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By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago

Chippenham Malmesbury area

I know very little of what my kids get up to; I'm always there for them but if they choose not to involve me then that's there choice. Of course there are times that I found out things and wished that they'd asked for help but I admire them for handling it themselves.

The Army can drive soldiers to get married young as they can't always get permission to live out of camp or they can't afford to. There's a lot of preasure on young soldiers (op yours, exercise, detachments) so being married can be a real challenge so I can see why your concerned.

Being in the forces also helps you grow up quikly so he may well be quite mature for his age. This may not be what you wanted for him but it seems that it's what he wants so give him your support as he's going to do it anyway.

Also, these two have just enjured the suffering and heartache of a mis-carriage and are still together so that really had to count for something.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So my eldest son has just dropped the bombshell on me that he is getting married so that he can move into military accommodation with his girlfriend.

Now what really gets me is I also found out his girlfriend had a miscarriage back in April but I knew nothing about it.

He is only 19 and personally I think he has just thrown his life away.

Disappointed in him is an understatement.

"

Spending the next 10years hooked on some nasty drug which your whole existence revolves around ... I would say is more fitting to throwing one's life away (or at least part of it) not shacking up with some bird

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"So my eldest son has just dropped the bombshell on me that he is getting married so that he can move into military accommodation with his girlfriend.

Now what really gets me is I also found out his girlfriend had a miscarriage back in April but I knew nothing about it.

He is only 19 and personally I think he has just thrown his life away.

Disappointed in him is an understatement.

Spending the next 10years hooked on some nasty drug which your whole existence revolves around ... I would say is more fitting to throwing one's life away (or at least part of it) not shacking up with some bird "

Please explain this?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So my eldest son has just dropped the bombshell on me that he is getting married so that he can move into military accommodation with his girlfriend.

Now what really gets me is I also found out his girlfriend had a miscarriage back in April but I knew nothing about it.

He is only 19 and personally I think he has just thrown his life away.

Disappointed in him is an understatement.

Spending the next 10years hooked on some nasty drug which your whole existence revolves around ... I would say is more fitting to throwing one's life away (or at least part of it) not shacking up with some bird

Please explain this?"

Things could be worse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Isn't part of being a parent about allowing your child to find their way in the world and possibly to make mistakes and learn from them?

He's 19 which is young but he's also in the military which shows he has some maturity about him. My parents got married at 19 and are still together 40 years later.

The fact that you're so disappointed in him may factor into why he didn't tell you about the miscarriage, it must've been so upsetting for them and at that time they would have needed support and not judgement.

I only found out about the miscarriage about two minutes after he told me was getting married.

As yourself and others have said he is an adult and it's his decision.

I just thought we were closer than that and he would have let me know.

"

He did let you know, whe the time was right for them.

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds


"

Spending the next 10years hooked on some nasty drug which your whole existence revolves around ... I would say is more fitting to throwing one's life away (or at least part of it) not shacking up with some bird

Please explain this?"

Surely it means becoming a drug addict is worse than getting married at 19

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"I know very little of what my kids get up to; I'm always there for them but if they choose not to involve me then that's there choice. Of course there are times that I found out things and wished that they'd asked for help but I admire them for handling it themselves.

The Army can drive soldiers to get married young as they can't always get permission to live out of camp or they can't afford to. There's a lot of preasure on young soldiers (op yours, exercise, detachments) so being married can be a real challenge so I can see why your concerned.

Being in the forces also helps you grow up quikly so he may well be quite mature for his age. This may not be what you wanted for him but it seems that it's what he wants so give him your support as he's going to do it anyway.

Also, these two have just enjured the suffering and heartache of a mis-carriage and are still together so that really had to count for something.

"

I think it's the fact that my current husband now was still serving when we met and I was friends with alot of the "pad" wives on the bks for many years gave me an insight on what goes on.

My fear is exactly what you said,its cheaper to move into forces subsidised housing than rent or buy outside the camp.

However the rules state you have to be married or married within 30 days of taking over the accommodation.

So he has planned a quick registry office marriage and as far as I know none of the family will be there.

Will leave him to it, he knows where i am if he needs me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/07/19 16:23:11]

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"

Spending the next 10years hooked on some nasty drug which your whole existence revolves around ... I would say is more fitting to throwing one's life away (or at least part of it) not shacking up with some bird

Please explain this?

Surely it means becoming a drug addict is worse than getting married at 19"

Ah ok. I failed to see the relevance.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In his eyes he's doing the right thing although hurried.He's young as we all have been.Only time will tell if he's made the right decision.

I wish you well and totally understand your post OP.

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By *elma and ShaggyCouple
over a year ago

Bedworth

You may not see it but your son is a mature adult. He’s old enough to fight for queen and country and being in the military, may well have to do exactly that one day.

If the military deem him mature enough to join them and mature enough to accept a particular posting. Then surely you have to accept that he’s mature enough to decide that he wants to marry the woman of his choice!

So he and his fiancée didn’t tell you that they miscarried. Did you stop to wonder why? A miscarriage is an extremely painful thing to endure, the emotional scars can run deep and last a lifetime. It’s their business and if they choose not to open that hurt up for people to see then that’s their choice! My family have no idea how many times I’ve miscarried, I’ve often chosen not to tell people as it makes the pain easier to deal with. Heck, even my ex husband didn’t even know exactly how many times I had very early miscarriages while we were married, I just picked myself up and tried to carry on as normal each time I got a positive pregnancy test and started bleeding a few days later!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's his life, support him x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

Worst thing is I was the same when I was younger. I couldn't tell my parents either.

I just thought we were always close but I was obviously wrong.

Its him getting married and just telling us on Friday night over the phone that shook me.

Didnt see that one coming. "

The fact that he didn't tell You, doesn't mean that you are not close. Perhaps being as close as you are, he knew you'd disapprove of his choices, so decided to keep it from you for as long as he could.

I know it's difficult and we only want the best for our children. It doesn't mean our idea of what's best, is the true best. They need to find their own path. Make their own mistakes, just like we did growing up. He is a man now. He needs to make his choices and all he needs is your support, regardless of whether you feel his choices are right or wrong.

I have a 19 year old, so completely understand the turmoil. But i have faith in my daughter and her ability to make the best choices for her, even if I dont always agree with them. It's finding the balance of offering support and guidance if they ask, but treating them like an adult at the same time..... And being a soft place for them to fall, if it does goes wrong

Holly

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

When my youngest was 19 he said he and his gf had found a flat and they wanted to live together, I said ok and helped them kit it out, I was worried they wouldn’t manage but the have, at Christmas they got engaged and booked a date to get married married, I said that is wonderful my point being it is his life and he is doing what he thinks is best, it might not be what you want for him but honestly you should support him, he might need you a little further down the road and if things don’t work out but for now be on his side and don’t make him feel bad for trying to be a grown up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

Worst thing is I was the same when I was younger. I couldn't tell my parents either.

I just thought we were always close but I was obviously wrong.

Its him getting married and just telling us on Friday night over the phone that shook me.

Didnt see that one coming.

The fact that he didn't tell You, doesn't mean that you are not close. Perhaps being as close as you are, he knew you'd disapprove of his choices, so decided to keep it from you for as long as he could.

I know it's difficult and we only want the best for our children. It doesn't mean our idea of what's best, is the true best. They need to find their own path. Make their own mistakes, just like we did growing up. He is a man now. He needs to make his choices and all he needs is your support, regardless of whether you feel his choices are right or wrong.

I have a 19 year old, so completely understand the turmoil. But i have faith in my daughter and her ability to make the best choices for her, even if I dont always agree with them. It's finding the balance of offering support and guidance if they ask, but treating them like an adult at the same time..... And being a soft place for them to fall, if it does goes wrong

Holly"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A marriage is just a contract that brings some benefits. Like army accommodation apparently.

Maybe he knows you'd be disappointed, hence how he told you.

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By *entralscotscpl7 OP   Couple
over a year ago

Falkirk


"I've had over a dozen miscarriages. My parents know of 1. There could be so many reasons for them not telling you. Don't take it personally.

Worst thing is I was the same when I was younger. I couldn't tell my parents either.

I just thought we were always close but I was obviously wrong.

Its him getting married and just telling us on Friday night over the phone that shook me.

Didnt see that one coming.

The fact that he didn't tell You, doesn't mean that you are not close. Perhaps being as close as you are, he knew you'd disapprove of his choices, so decided to keep it from you for as long as he could.

I know it's difficult and we only want the best for our children. It doesn't mean our idea of what's best, is the true best. They need to find their own path. Make their own mistakes, just like we did growing up. He is a man now. He needs to make his choices and all he needs is your support, regardless of whether you feel his choices are right or wrong.

I have a 19 year old, so completely understand the turmoil. But i have faith in my daughter and her ability to make the best choices for her, even if I dont always agree with them. It's finding the balance of offering support and guidance if they ask, but treating them like an adult at the same time..... And being a soft place for them to fall, if it does goes wrong

Holly"

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet


"Isn't part of being a parent about allowing your child to find their way in the world and possibly to make mistakes and learn from them?

He's 19 which is young but he's also in the military which shows he has some maturity about him. My parents got married at 19 and are still together 40 years later.

The fact that you're so disappointed in him may factor into why he didn't tell you about the miscarriage, it must've been so upsetting for them and at that time they would have needed support and not judgement.

I only found out about the miscarriage about two minutes after he told me was getting married.

As yourself and others have said he is an adult and it's his decision.

I just thought we were closer than that and he would have let me know.

"

He did let you know, he just didn't let you know at the time.

Getting pregnant at a young age is scary, having to tell your parents is scary. Maybe he was waiting to find the right moment and then they miscarried.

Maybe take a step back and put yourself in their shoes.Trying to deal with that, and then finding a way to break the news to "disproving" "disappointed" parents...

I can understand that their choices aren't your choices,and I can see why you feel hurt, but he's an adult now and all you can do is support them both.

Hope it all works out well.

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds


"

So he has planned a quick registry office marriage and as far as I know none of the family will be there.

Will leave him to it, he knows where i am if he needs me.

"

Why can't you go to the wedding?

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Miscarriages are very personal things and sometimes you don’t want other people’s sympathy/words of comfort.

It’s his life. All you can do is say your piece and let him get on with it and be there if it goes tits up.

I think being dissapointed in him is a bit harsh to be honest.

We live and we learn. And he’s still young. You just have the benefit of life experience.

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