FabSwingers.com forum: "If you don't ask you don't get"

By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Does this attitude annoy anyone else?

I get messages all the time saying "I know you're not looking for x, but if you don't ask you don't get". Or similar. With or without an additional sales pitch.

If I'm not looking for x, I'm not looking for x.

Do you know what I'm always looking for? Someone who respects my boundaries and consent. And who realises how far, if at all, they can push that. (spoiler: a stranger has absolutely zero leeway)

It's an instant block from me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does this attitude annoy anyone else?

I get messages all the time saying "I know you're not looking for x, but if you don't ask you don't get". Or similar. With or without an additional sales pitch.

If I'm not looking for x, I'm not looking for x.

Do you know what I'm always looking for? Someone who respects my boundaries and consent. And who realises how far, if at all, they can push that. (spoiler: a stranger has absolutely zero leeway)

It's an instant block from me. "

It fucks us off completely.

Why not just read and respect the profile?

We get a message from a single guy with those words every day!

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Yeah it's sort of like, has read the profile. Better than 80% on here. Chooses to march on regardless. Not if you were the last person/people on the planet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Same as "I know you're not into married men but I thought I'd try my luck anyway"..

Or bisexuals. Or the rest who don't tick my boxes.

I write my preferences for a reason.

Very annoying indeed.

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By *hewifeandiCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"Same as "I know you're not into married men but I thought I'd try my luck anyway"..

Or bisexuals. Or the rest who don't tick my boxes.

I write my preferences for a reason.

Very annoying indeed."

Lol oh shit your still straight then lol

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"Does this attitude annoy anyone else?

I get messages all the time saying "I know you're not looking for x, but if you don't ask you don't get". Or similar. With or without an additional sales pitch.

If I'm not looking for x, I'm not looking for x.

Do you know what I'm always looking for? Someone who respects my boundaries and consent. And who realises how far, if at all, they can push that. (spoiler: a stranger has absolutely zero leeway)

It's an instant block from me. "

It infuriates me in that context, OP. But the phrase doesn’t itself as it’s actually a really useful way to encourage less assertive or confident people to have a go, to ask for something or to advocate for themselves better and explains that they’re no worse off for asking. If, as in your context, the answer is clear already then I entirely agree with you it’s dismissive and the very thin edge of the wedge towards very non consensual. However, if the answer is not clear then absolutely; if you don’t ask... it’s just all about how to ask and when it’s appropriate to ask.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Same as "I know you're not into married men but I thought I'd try my luck anyway"..

Or bisexuals. Or the rest who don't tick my boxes.

I write my preferences for a reason.

Very annoying indeed.

Lol oh shit your still straight then lol"

Obviously

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it's something I have stated I'm not looking for then I'm pissed off and point it out.

But I usually deliberately don't say what I'm looking for so it's all good.

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Does this attitude annoy anyone else?

I get messages all the time saying "I know you're not looking for x, but if you don't ask you don't get". Or similar. With or without an additional sales pitch.

If I'm not looking for x, I'm not looking for x.

Do you know what I'm always looking for? Someone who respects my boundaries and consent. And who realises how far, if at all, they can push that. (spoiler: a stranger has absolutely zero leeway)

It's an instant block from me.

No, fair enough, and I often need the advice myself).

If it's not clear then fine. But if it is (and that's mostly where I see it) then no.

I got a lot of messages to that effect during my blocking all single males experiment, from people I'd obviously messaged at some stage in the past (but long enough ago that neither of us remembered each other). If it says not looking for single guys and you're a single guy... Don't do it. (ditto, for me, meet now, hotel meets, and others)

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"Does this attitude annoy anyone else?

I get messages all the time saying "I know you're not looking for x, but if you don't ask you don't get". Or similar. With or without an additional sales pitch.

If I'm not looking for x, I'm not looking for x.

Do you know what I'm always looking for? Someone who respects my boundaries and consent. And who realises how far, if at all, they can push that. (spoiler: a stranger has absolutely zero leeway)

It's an instant block from me.

No, fair enough, and I often need the advice myself).

If it's not clear then fine. But if it is (and that's mostly where I see it) then no.

Nods. Makes sense. I pulled a chap on something like this today and explained the whole dismissiveness of it and how that makes me feel they might behave with more serious boundaries. I do agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yup. It bugs me. I get the I know your profile says your not meeting but wonder if you would consider me a exception to the rule

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

"Does this attitude annoy anyone else?

I get messages all the time saying "I know you're not looking for x, but if you don't ask you don't get". Or similar. With or without an additional sales pitch.

If I'm not looking for x, I'm not looking for x.

Do you know what I'm always looking for? Someone who respects my boundaries and consent. And who realises how far, if at all, they can push that. (spoiler: a stranger has absolutely zero leeway)

It's an instant block from me. "

Gotta love a trier

In all fairness, this scenario doesn't normally happen to us and if I were a woman receiving these messages ad nauseum, i'd be annoyed myself.

Can't really do much more than block and move on i'm afraid.

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I fucking hate triers

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"I fucking hate triers

I also think people can educate others to help eradicate this attitude rather than just block and move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my experience, if you do ask you don't get, so why bother?

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I fucking hate triers

I also think people can educate others to help eradicate this attitude rather than just block and move on.

I'm never sure if it helps or my unwillingness to let them ride roughshod over my consent is just me being a bitch, or whatever else they decide to call me.

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"I fucking hate triers

I also think people can educate others to help eradicate this attitude rather than just block and move on.

I'm never sure if it helps or my unwillingness to let them ride roughshod over my consent is just me being a bitch, or whatever else they decide to call me. "

Someone somewhere will go “oh, I’d never thought of it like that” and will change their ways. Even if it’s just one, it was worth it!! God dammit!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve had a few geographically challenged who didn't read the part in the profile that said ‘if you live over an hour away by public transport then our chances of meeting are slim to none’. They’d still message: i live in lands end can we meet?! Grrrr no!!!!

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I fucking hate triers

I also think people can educate others to help eradicate this attitude rather than just block and move on.

I'm never sure if it helps or my unwillingness to let them ride roughshod over my consent is just me being a bitch, or whatever else they decide to call me.

Someone somewhere will go “oh, I’d never thought of it like that” and will change their ways. Even if it’s just one, it was worth it!! God dammit!!"

The last time I tried I got a pitch about why he was different and should be an exception

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"I fucking hate triers

I also think people can educate others to help eradicate this attitude rather than just block and move on.

I'm never sure if it helps or my unwillingness to let them ride roughshod over my consent is just me being a bitch, or whatever else they decide to call me.

Someone somewhere will go “oh, I’d never thought of it like that” and will change their ways. Even if it’s just one, it was worth it!! God dammit!!

The last time I tried I got a pitch about why he was different and should be an exception

Ugh.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I fucking hate triers

I also think people can educate others to help eradicate this attitude rather than just block and move on.

I'm never sure if it helps or my unwillingness to let them ride roughshod over my consent is just me being a bitch, or whatever else they decide to call me.

Someone somewhere will go “oh, I’d never thought of it like that” and will change their ways. Even if it’s just one, it was worth it!! God dammit!!"

I do that too. Usually I get an apology and they say they hadn't realised.

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"I fucking hate triers

I also think people can educate others to help eradicate this attitude rather than just block and move on.

I'm never sure if it helps or my unwillingness to let them ride roughshod over my consent is just me being a bitch, or whatever else they decide to call me.

Someone somewhere will go “oh, I’d never thought of it like that” and will change their ways. Even if it’s just one, it was worth it!! God dammit!!

I do that too. Usually I get an apology and they say they hadn't realised. "

And then you meet them because they *are* the exception?!

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By *arkb73Man
over a year ago

Cheshire/Staffs

Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Ooh. Occasionally I also get "but you're such a (compliment), I have to meet you".

It's utterly beyond me how me being wonderful can translate to my consent being irrelevant.

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell "

Not all messages are created equal.

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By *arkb73Man
over a year ago

Cheshire/Staffs

"Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell

Not all messages are created equal. "

Some are more equal than others eh?

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell

Not all messages are created equal.

Some are more equal than others eh?

The ones that think my wishes are irrelevant are definitely not equal.

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell

Not all messages are created equal.

Some are more equal than others eh?

Insert Animal Farm (sexist) pig joke here —

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By *arkb73Man
over a year ago

Cheshire/Staffs

"Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell

Not all messages are created equal.

Some are more equal than others eh?

The ones that think my wishes are irrelevant are definitely not equal. "

I’m sure that no one would dare to disrespect your wishes

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By *arkb73Man
over a year ago

Cheshire/Staffs

"Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell

Not all messages are created equal.

Some are more equal than others eh?

Insert Animal Farm (sexist) pig joke here —"

I don’t recall Napoleon being particularly sexist

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By *naswingdress OP Woman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell

Not all messages are created equal.

Some are more equal than others eh?

The ones that think my wishes are irrelevant are definitely not equal.

I’m sure that no one would dare to disrespect your wishes "

Most here do.

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

Annoys me too and never convinces me I'd want to meet them,just think you can't show respect here,so wouldn't in real life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does this attitude annoy anyone else?

I get messages all the time saying "I know you're not looking for x, but if you don't ask you don't get". Or similar. With or without an additional sales pitch.

If I'm not looking for x, I'm not looking for x.

Do you know what I'm always looking for? Someone who respects my boundaries and consent. And who realises how far, if at all, they can push that. (spoiler: a stranger has absolutely zero leeway)

It's an instant block from me. "

So... is that a not at the moment then?

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By *arkb73Man
over a year ago

Cheshire/Staffs

"Getting all these messages and interest - must be hell

Not all messages are created equal.

Some are more equal than others eh?

The ones that think my wishes are irrelevant are definitely not equal.

I’m sure that no one would dare to disrespect your wishes

Most here do. "

More fool them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I fucking hate triers

I also think people can educate others to help eradicate this attitude rather than just block and move on.

I'm never sure if it helps or my unwillingness to let them ride roughshod over my consent is just me being a bitch, or whatever else they decide to call me.

Someone somewhere will go “oh, I’d never thought of it like that” and will change their ways. Even if it’s just one, it was worth it!! God dammit!!

I do that too. Usually I get an apology and they say they hadn't realised.

And then you meet them because they *are* the exception?!

Of course.

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