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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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No wind up here. I wanted to talk about what Love means to people. We've had the threads about marrieds cheating etc and the reaction seems to be in one of two camps:
1) the man/woman cheating is a bastard and should be shot
2) work the problem out by talking and being honest - and then be shot.
Nobody in their right mind is going to sit their spouse down and say, "listen honey, I need some sex so I thought it best to let you know I'll be cheating on Friday night, btw ...what's for tea tonight sweetness?"
It just doesn't happen like that in the real world, so why do people do what they do when things at home have gone awry?
For some, I think seeking an avenue outside of the marriage to get what one feels should be within the marriage alleviates the impact of actually addressing the root problem. Some people love their spouse and don't want to lose his or her but for one reason or another they percieve them not to be the same person in terms of intimacy that they were earlier on in the relationship. That doesn't mean they love them any less, just that they wish they were who they used to be.
For others there is a financial penalty of breaking up a relationship, and many people - both men and women - would prefer a clandestine arrangment with a lover than make the break and lose a huge part of what they've worked hard to achieve (the legalities of who owns what in a marriage break up and who has contributed to the marriage during it's course I'll set aside for the moment).
I'm deliberately steering clear of including relationships where one partner is physically unable to provide sex, as I am not including those who have a tacit agreement in place but the other half "doesn't want to know the details."
I'm most suredly not on the side of those who condemn it as the ultimate deal breaker under any circumstances when there is such a huge grey area between black and white. I do feel that each person has an unalienable right to the truth to enable them to make their own subsequent decisions, and any decision that is made when the underlying factors are based on lies is not making the correct decision.
So where does Love fit into all this?
I believe it is possible to love someone and not be faithful to them, possibly for the reasons outlined above but there are many more reasons not listed here as to why people seek affection outside of the relationship they are in. For example, I know for sure that I would be able to remain with Siren if she said, "Listen Wishy, I'm just not interested in sex anymore but I don't want to lose you as a husband and father to our kids so I'm quite happy for you to find a friend with benefits," that that's exactly what I'd do, but as Soapy so eloquently posted above, I wouldn't brag about on here, I wouldn't say I was married on my profile, and I'd only divulge the information if directly asked.
p.s. our marriage is fine, she's just waiting for her body to settle back into some sort of normality.  |
for me, emotional betrayal is far more of an issue than a physical exchange.
the idea of a partner having sex with someone else is not an issue to me.
the idea of a partner forming emotional bonds (that don't include me) with a sexual partner is an issue.
i am in a position with my OH that is built on trust.
my OH is not interested in a swinging lifestyle yet because of my own sexuality recognises that i have desires that she cannot satisfy.
we have boundaries in place and i take care not to cross them, as does she.
i am in a privileged position in that i 'told all' and managed to still come out the other side with a functioning relationship.
that doesn't mean to say that it was easily resolved issue, but we did work through it.
many men in my position would not be so lucky and i think the fear of losing what they have pushes them to be physically unfaithful.
i don't want anything from my meets other than to enjoy ourselves when we are toghether.
once the door shuts behond one of us, then either that is it, or that is it until we meet next time.
i am not sure that everyone has the capability to do that, but i wouldn't judge them for not having the ability.
i am sure some would _iew what i do as adulterous and unfair, but to those that do, i can only say that 'it works for us'
i am not condoning adultery in the form of sneaking round behind partners backs and sleeping with other people just 'because', but we all have reasons, some more legitimate than others, and i wouldn't judge or jump all over someone because their moral compass is set to a different direction than mine.
