FabSwingers.com forum: Friend in abusive relationship

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A close friend of mine is sadly married to a horrible man. All of her close friends advised her against rushing to marry him less than a year into the relationship and things got even worse once she had the ring on her finger.

She has now been "leaving" him for going on 4 years. She tells him to leave and then a week or a month later he is back and she goes into compliant mode again and brushes over all the horrible stuff (like him strangling her.. ) and trots out lines like " we said our vows so we have to work at it" and "our love is forever" etc.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be supportive as his behaviour escalates each time she lets him back. I Have been very clear about the impact on her kids, and on her, and have tried lecturing as well as being the listening ear.

My reason for posting this thread is that today I have had another text saying she is giving him yet another chance. I don't know what to do or how to respond. Part of me is so angry with her for putting the kids thru more shit, part of me wants to support and listen, part of me wants to have nothing more to do with the car crash.

Could people who have been in abusive relationships before please share with me what was helpful for your friends to say or do? What do you look back on and thank a friend for at this time? What should I not do?? Any words of advice to stop me going over and shaking her by the shoulders?!

Thanking you in advance x

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By *obbytupperMan
over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley

"A close friend of mine is sadly married to a horrible man. All of her close friends advised her against rushing to marry him less than a year into the relationship and things got even worse once she had the ring on her finger.

Thanking you in advance x"

Is she asking for your help? If not be careful!

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

I (Luke) would not deem to give advice on something so serious as if I were a professional. My recommendation would be to contact a women's protection charity, like one that runs safe houses.

I feae she will only leave if she really decides it for herself, and it doesn't sound like she truly has.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

No advice as I've never been in the situation apart from my sister's cunty husband who got someone half his age pregnant. That was her ticket out.

I just wanted to say your friend is very lucky to have you.

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By *019ReadyCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

It's so unbelievably hard to be there for someone, in ANY situation, when you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall. It's exhausting & mentally draining.

Similarly, it's hard for women in her situation to pull away from it, because she won't be thinking rationally. Rationale left her life the first time he was abusive & they got back together & his apologies now just mean things will stay calm for a short while. That's all she'll be focusing on - the calm moments. Keepimg the boat afloat. There's no logic left I'm afraid & sometimes it takes something more drastic than the last time for things to change for good.

Contact your/her local Women's Aid for some advice on coping as someone trying to support. I'm sure they'll do their best to help you or signpost you to other resources.

Good luck! (Mrs)

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By *adame 2SwordsWoman
over a year ago

Victoria, London

Still defend my narcissistic ex, despite what he did to me. it was only when I saw for myself how he dissed me, did I wake up, then I was able to leave. however he still tried to manipulate me when he took an overdose.

Did however have friends in place, a bag packed ready, some money, etc. a bit like sleeping with the enemy

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you folks. Yes the term banging my head against a brick wall describes it perfectly! This is so tough.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you’re in that relationship, you don’t see it as others do. You love the abuser, and think that how you are treated. It’s what you deserve.

If you look at statistics, a victim will leave 7 times on average before they leave for good. There are other considerations too, finances can keep someone stuck in a bad relationship.

Friendships can be difficult too if the abuser isolates the victim of the abuse. He may even read her texts. You don’t know how far his behaviour goes. We all don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

There are specialist organisations that would support her and give refuge, but she has to make the contact and want to engage.

Just be there, if she needs you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Such a difficult situation to be in, as you obviously want the best for your friend, but as cliche as it sounds, only she can really help herself.

In my (limited) experience, most people in these sorts of situations will eventually see sense, but it can and does take time. She just needs to believe that her and her children deserve better.

Not very good advice but if I were you I would support her where you can, but don’t feel like it’s your responsibility to sort it out, because it’s not.

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By *aven RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

All you can do is be there for her which it sounds like you are x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yes he hates her having any friends. Most of her friends have dropped off radar over the years because of him. I'm still around largely because our daughters are very good friends so I do it more for the kids than for her I guess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All you can do is be there.

No matter how much he hurts her (physically, emotionally etc) until she reaches a breaking point in her own mind....nothing you can do. It's a dangerous situation for everyone involved.

-Keep a log of the incidents.

-Just let her know you will be there for her.

- Be as involved as you possibly can but keep yourself safe. C Xx

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By *wingin CatMan
over a year ago

London

I was the victim of an abusive relationship over 30 years ago, and know exactly how sometimes it's hard to break away from your partner, due to emotional mind games, threats of suicide, or just fear of doing so. It sounds to me like your friend's genuinely frightened of leaving her husband outright, due to possible threats of reprisals, or for the sake of the kids etc.

Firstly, I agree with those who have said that your friend should seek help from a womens' refuge. Secondly, she should also contact the police about his violence - remember that even passive aggression such as controlling and coercion are now illegal in the eyes of the law.

I wish your friend the very best of luck, and only hope she can escape what is a truly nasty scenario.

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By *ebeccaHallTVTV/TS
over a year ago

BECKENHAM

Hi OP

I am sorry to hear that your friend is in that sort of relationship.

I deal with a lot of cases like this and there are support groups that she can attend.

But first, she has to open up and admit that she needs protection from him for the sake of herself and the children.

First call would be to the police and report any incidents and when she has the CAD number she can then make an appilcation to the family court for an Injunction Order, she can do do this on an ex parte basis, that is without notice to the other party, the Order will not allow him to come near her, the school during pick up and drop off hours, he will not be able to telephone her or contact her through any Social media sites and will prohibit others from doing what he is forbidden to as well.

There will be a second hearing and if the injunction is allowed, which it normally is, it will last for a year.

If he breaches the Order he will be in contempt off court and face up to 5 years in prison.

When making the application she can also ask for an occupation order to prevent him from residing in the property as well.

The form to use is FL401 and it does not cost anything. If she needs lawyers, they may charge but if she is on benefits or a low income then she may qualify for Legal Aid.

Hope this helps and all the best.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pls dont give up on her.. support is the best thing as she is going to need it to escape.

He is brainwashing her, causing confusion and she cant see what everyone else does

She thinks he will change, but he wont, not ever and she needs to realise this. This is the cycle of abuse, after he abuses her he comes back with promises and it goes into a honeymoon period and then the tension rises and then the abuse and back to honeymoon and so on

The domestic violence helpline is amazing, not just there for victims but also if youre worried about someone.

Try and show her info such as coercive control and narcassistic abuse and it may not switch a light bulb on straight away, but it will help her to come to the realisation of being abused as she will relate to the info.

As cruel as it seems, social services need to know as it is abuse to the children too and severely effects them

Goid luck x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh also show her the wheel of abuse you can get from the internet as well as info in coercive control and narc abuse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh and yes go to the police and make a statement, not that they can do much if she doesnt want it, but it is excellent evidence for future court proceedings

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you folks. Yes the term banging my head against a brick wall describes it perfectly! This is so tough.

Be honest, are you really her friend? Do you really care about her? If there's any doubt, walk away and cease contact. Don't feel guilty though, friends sometimes change.

If you are her friend then be the person she can talk to. Stop telling her to leave- she can't. The most dangerous time is when a person leaves. When she's with him she knows where he is and his mood. The fear of the unknown is much worse.

If they have kids he may take it out on them. Women's Aid is a great site. Maybe offer to go with her to a local domestic violence group. Just be there for her. But please don't make her feel guilty. She already will feel that way.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Don't post anything of your own experiences that isn't allowed on the forum please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi OP

I am sorry to hear that your friend is in that sort of relationship.

I deal with a lot of cases like this and there are support groups that she can attend.

But first, she has to open up and admit that she needs protection from him for the sake of herself and the children.

There will be a second hearing and if the injunction is allowed, which it normally is, it will last for a year.

If he breaches the Order he will be in contempt off court and face up to 5 years in prison.

When making the application she can also ask for an occupation order to prevent him from residing in the property as well.

The form to use is FL401 and it does not cost anything. If she needs lawyers, they may charge but if she is on benefits or a low income then she may qualify for Legal Aid.

Hope this helps and all the best."

A court order will assist your friend but first she needs to decide it’s over.

She will have to reach her breaking point which is different for each individual. Until she gets there all you can do is offer support. Good luck x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What an incredibly difficult situation for her and for you to be in.

I second the advice of all the posters above and cannot stress enough how much she will need you if she decides to leave him.

Unfortunately for her a lot of funding has been cut for womens aid services by the Tories (who are cunts but I will curb my contempt for them because this is such a serious issue).

However the most important pointer I can give, not knowing all the facts, is to find the best solicitor you can who takes cases that are funded by legal aid. As a victim of domestic violence she will be entitled to more free help and she should take it because extricating herself and her children from the clutches of a man like this is going to be a test of all her strength. She will no be able to do this without professional help from all the agencies involved.

Find the best solicitor, take advice and I wish her and her children all the best xxx

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

To the OP, People have advised for her to go the police or womens refuge but it doesn't sound like she would take that advice if she is taking him back.

Only she can make the decision to leave, she won't do it because someone told her she should. It sounds like she isn't going to do that right now, so all you can do is either be there for when she gets a light bulb moment and it goes pear shaped or walk away from your friendship.

I would however steer her to websites with advice of emotionally abusive relationships, she may see for herself that she is in one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To the OP, People have advised for her to go the police or womens refuge but it doesn't sound like she would take that advice if she is taking him back.

I would however steer her to websites with advice of emotionally abusive relationships, she may see for herself that she is in one

I was just about to post something similar..

This is the best advice on this thread imo

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

Another suggestion that I’ve seen work is to recommend therapy/counselling. This can be engaged with as a means to work on the relationship (which is palatable to her currently) yet will help her learn about her attachment issues and help her start seeing the relationship for what it actually is.

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By *eclanHMan
over a year ago

Liphook

"To the OP, People have advised for her to go the police or womens refuge but it doesn't sound like she would take that advice if she is taking him back.

I would however steer her to websites with advice of emotionally abusive relationships, she may see for herself that she is in one

I was just about to post something similar..

This is the best advice on this thread imo"

This.

It makes me sad and angry to hear about things like this. All the best to her and you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you everyone for your advice and insights, and to those who have PMed. Its given me lots to think about and I'm going to sleep on things before I respond to her latest texts telling me they are having another try.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck to both of you xoxo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Op, I know it's been said before but you have to call the police! It really is that simple! Do it with out saying anything to anyone else! If you know its going on and nothing is said it could be to late one day! Scum like him need to be locked up! Simple!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve never been in the situation but I assume it’s a little like being addicted to something and she will only seek help when she is good and ready and my advice, no matter how much you feel like walking away, don’t, she needs you now (although it might not seem like it) and will need you when she eventually wants to break away for good, just be a listening ear and be there to pick her up xx

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By *ifferent69Man
over a year ago

BRIGHTON, UK

Hi difficult one.

Firstly well done for bringing this issue to the forum.

Admittedly being single I can,t command the moral high ground .

However ì often come across couples where I sense something isn't right and a false harmonous unity is on show.Comimg away uncomfortable or thinking why is that guy or woman with him and her.

That's not to recognize that relationships are tough.

Isn't, there now that new legal law been passed now where reporting concerns about abusive ,controlling, manipulative behaviour is now an offence if reported?

Think possibly keep note of incidences you know of ,log them on your friend's behalf. This for when she gets the courage to do something or God forbid anything worse.

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

All you can do is be there when she needs you and give her what ever support she needs at that time.

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

Forum rules would prevent me from writing about my experience of the subject

And as frustrating as it is for you trust me she’s going through a lot worse! She won’t leave until she’s ready to and it will get to a point where something snaps in her and she does though that moment could still be years away. And Even when she’s snapped and finally gets to where you think she’s moved on the nightmares far from over for her she’ll deal with the PTSD probably for the rest of her life.

Most people from these forums that have met me wouldn’t probably dream of me going through anything similar because I’m now quite socially confident but it’s took me 10 years to get to where I am now and certain things still trigger flashback and leave me an emotional wreak when they do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wasting your time,cut her loose,save yourself the grief,plenty new friends out there you haven't yet met

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wasting your time,cut her loose,save yourself the grief,plenty new friends out there you haven't yet met"

Harsh!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Op, I know it's been said before but you have to call the police! It really is that simple! Do it with out saying anything to anyone else! If you know its going on and nothing is said it could be to late one day! Scum like him need to be locked up! Simple! "

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs "

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

Best thing the OP could do is confidentially contact an abuse support charity and get alll the information she’s needs to say look these are the people that can really help you and reassure her that she’ll always be there abusers such as this want to make the victim become as isolated as possible by walking away from her friend she’s playing straight into his hands

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi difficult one.

Firstly well done for bringing this issue to the forum.

Admittedly being single I can,t command the moral high ground .

However ì often come across couples where I sense something isn't right and a false harmonous unity is on show.Comimg away uncomfortable or thinking why is that guy or woman with him and her.

That's not to recognize that relationships are tough.

Isn't, there now that new legal law been passed now where reporting concerns about abusive ,controlling, manipulative behaviour is now an offence if reported?

Think possibly keep note of incidences you know of ,log them on your friend's behalf. This for when she gets the courage to do something or God forbid anything worse.

This is a good idea. Keep a diary on her behalf. Maybe screenshot her texts as evidence. It will help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wasting your time,cut her loose,save yourself the grief,plenty new friends out there you haven't yet met

Harsh!! "

Going by past experience,could've saved myself lot of grief

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"Wasting your time,cut her loose,save yourself the grief,plenty new friends out there you haven't yet met"

Well your a charmer aren't you! True friends don't leave ones that need them, it appears you know nothing of being a good friend!

As someone who has been through an abusive relationship comments like yours just make me feel that you have no compassion and other works that would get me a forum ban!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wasting your time,cut her loose,save yourself the grief,plenty new friends out there you haven't yet met

Well your a charmer aren't you! True friends don't leave ones that need them, it appears you know nothing of being a good friend!

As someone who has been through an abusive relationship comments like yours just make me feel that you have no compassion and other works that would get me a forum ban! "

Asking for advice on internet,won't always get lovey dovey answers,there's always an alternative

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By *est Wales WifeCouple
over a year ago

Near Carmarthen

I don't think I'm allowed to post links but google for 'Womens Aid' as they have a 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline.

Might be worth a call as a first point of contact.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

So what if somthing happens to her and the police/abuse support charities are contacted when it's too late? People will be asking, why didn't anyone say anything? It's so typical of people not to stand up for what is the right thing to do in fear of making things worse, by the sounds of this situation it's going to get worse before it gets better anyway! So to tell me to get a grip on wanting to do what is right is just beyond comparison. Abuse is wrong! Full stop! And sitting on the fence and not taking action is just plain ignorant and lacks compassion.

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

It’s already happening to her and all that does is force the abuser to up the abuse and further isolate victim speak to any charity on the situation they’ll tell you it’s the last thing you should do!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

Unfortunately I can can confirm from own personal experience that charities dont always get it right!

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

Unfortunately I can can confirm from own personal experience that charities dont always get it right! "

Most domestic abuse charities the advisers are survivors so they pretty much do get it right! In my opinion they’re people qualified to give the best advice because they’ve lived it first hand for better and worse including the parts behind closed doors that the people that just see the Bruises don’t actually see too!

The bull in a china shop approach you suggest usually causes more harm than good! Especially when speaking in regards to long term effects long term especially if the victim isn’t in a position to leave yet and it won’t til they’re ready they’ll likely not even press charges against the guy even when you’ve reported it on their behalf then they return home with him to face the consequences of your actions but hey don’t worry after all you were “helping” weren’t you

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By *appytochatMan
over a year ago

Deep in the New Forest

Seek help from a proper organisation. But I guess if she feels controlled she wont leave because of fear. Sadly only she can take the required steps.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

Unfortunately I can can confirm from own personal experience that charities dont always get it right!

Yeah sorry for my concern.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

Unfortunately I can can confirm from own personal experience that charities dont always get it right!

Yeah sorry for my concern.

Did you actually READ Curvymama's post?

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

Unfortunately I can can confirm from own personal experience that charities dont always get it right!

Yeah sorry for my concern.

Surely if you were genuinely concerned you get her the correct help to get out of the situation not force her further under his control because that’s exactly what it does 9/10 times because there’s only the 1 in 10 that decide to press charge. The police can only help if the victims wants to press charges and they often don’t even when they got out of the situation they very rarely press charges afterwards it’s why many go on to become repeat abusers

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

He wasn't the only person to say go to the police or help from other areas, I am not sure why he is getting told to get a grip for it and others didn't

Either way, it is all advice which the OP asked for

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By *uenevereWoman
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

I would second the advice to keep a record of as much as you can and seek advice from an appropriate organisation.

Other than that, just be there for her.

Leaving is incredibly difficult to do, especially if she has an otherwise good lifestyle.

As for the text, I would acknowledge her return but not comment other than to let her know that you are still her friend and there if and when she needs you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All you can do is be there for her. Log and keep a diary for her but ultimately it will be her decision. My friends could see what was happening to me but it didn’t matter what anyone said I always had an excuse and defended my ex. It’s taking me a long time to get over it and I don’t think I’ll ever truly recover, that will be the time she really needs you most x

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By *he Devils Daughter!Woman
over a year ago

some where in yorkshire

Thanking you in advance x"

I’ve been in one got out of one , police involved court case dooming , haven’t been able to tell my family or some friends the truth of it n been an emotional anxious wreck since it’s a horrible dark place for anyone to be in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is it physical abuse or mental abuse or both? You have not stated that, the siblings , are they suffering at school? Teacher's are now trained to spot changes in a siblings behaviour. If your concerns are justified your first port of call should be the siblings school, they will take your concerns seriously.

After all its not about your friend anymore it's about the emotional and mental impact of the siblings Period

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sadly this was my marriage

I tried to escape for years and was emotionally bla**mailed into returning

his hold on me was too tight and I was emotionally too weak to fully escape

no one could help me

I had even divorced him but was still with him. I couldn't break free

however reality hit home when he hurt our daughter. it wasn't major but it isn't at the beginning it escalates

it was the wake up call I needed

something inside me snapped and I was done. he got worse but I stood my ground

I've paid the price for it though

he could do what he wanted to me but id die protecting my children

she has to reach that snapping point before shes truely ready to go

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is the worst thing the op can do... get a grip ffs

Seconded doesn’t help the situation at all! It’s a sure fire way of fast tracking it to get worse!

Unfortunately I can can confirm from own personal experience that charities dont always get it right!

Yeah sorry for my concern.

law has changed

police can take action even if victim says no to pressing charges

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By *latinumkittenWoman
over a year ago

from Home Counties to Middle Earth

It took me a long time to 'wake up' to my situation - I should have left 10 yrs earlier than I did, and only realised the extent of the problem when Women's Aid told me that some of the things I was telling them was the worst they'd heard.

My friends and family felt like you, but waited in the wings. You can lead a horse to water and all that. I'm so grateful to have them around now. All I'd say is, don't create an enemy of yourself, making your friend choose between you and him. One day, she'll need you x

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Friend in abusive relationship - your advice please!