FabSwingers.com forum: Men with kids

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Are you bored with your life?

I know this is a loaded question .. but I ask because I have a couple of friends that are going through breakups at the moment.

And it appears that it was having the kids that was the icing on the cake for both.

I'd like to understand- do you feel second best and ignored?

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

"Are you bored with your life?

I know this is a loaded question .. but I ask because I have a couple of friends that are going through breakups at the moment.

And it appears that it was having the kids that was the icing on the cake for both.

I'd like to understand- do you feel second best and ignored?

Do you mean the final straw, icing on the cake implies the excellent last thing ontop of all the other excellent stuff...?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Are you bored with your life?

I know this is a loaded question .. but I ask because I have a couple of friends that are going through breakups at the moment.

And it appears that it was having the kids that was the icing on the cake for both.

I'd like to understand- do you feel second best and ignored?

Do you mean the final straw, icing on the cake implies the excellent last thing ontop of all the other excellent stuff...?"

I'm not sure what you mean though

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By *ardinal FangMan
over a year ago

Sandy

Nah, our son wasn’t the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back but he has caused complications as part of the separation. Good complications but complications nonetheless.

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By *cgkcCouple
over a year ago

Hitchin

It's the icing which breaks the camel's back.

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

I think children put a strain on a relationship.

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

It can make you feel like you come second but that’s not necessarily a problem, it’s part of being a parent. Certainly I don’t see it as a problem but coming 5th after next door’s cat is bad

However it can lead to feeling trapped - you now have some serious obligations. That pressure could be a problem

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Children can put strain on a relationship.

Lots of couples think having children will save their relationship, but they probably won’t...children shouldn’t be had to save something

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nope, my ex and I always put the kids first, and we’re happy to, that’s part of being a parent. It was feeling 3rd behind her friends that was the root cause of the break up

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By *astyEricMan
over a year ago

Hull

"I think children put a strain on a relationship."

Of coarse they do, you no longer most important thing for each other, kids taking priority. Therfore either man or woman ain't having as much attention as before kids

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It can make you feel like you come second but that’s not necessarily a problem, it’s part of being a parent. Certainly I don’t see it as a problem but coming 5th after next door’s cat is bad

However it can lead to feeling trapped - you now have some serious obligations. That pressure could be a problem "

Yes feeling trapped in any way is terrible.

Especially with someone you don't like because of a tiny human you love

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

I think many couples who have children are unaware of just how much things change permanently when they come into the equation. Being unable to cope with the changes often becomes very stressful and i've seen it resulting in many a separation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you are having babies just to fix an already broken relationship it won't work. As for good dad's respect to you all x

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

I found being a parent the first time difficult. I felt trapped, second time completely different. I am brilliant Nana. Ms

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

He is leaving her with 2 boys under 10.

One is Autistic.

It's not just about finances even though it's a major part of it as it always is.

It's about the lack of time and fun.

Life has become miserable for him.

She didn't notice because all she can think about is the kids - there it is

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

Someone once told me, dating is recreation, marraige is responsibility especially when you have kids. For some that is too much.

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

"He is leaving her with 2 boys under 10.

One is Autistic.

It's not just about finances even though it's a major part of it as it always is.

It's about the lack of time and fun.

Life has become miserable for him.

She didn't notice because all she can think about is the kids - there it is

It's probably pretty miserable for her to

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By *ookingforfun9970Man
over a year ago

nearby

"Are you bored with your life?

I know this is a loaded question .. but I ask because I have a couple of friends that are going through breakups at the moment.

And it appears that it was having the kids that was the icing on the cake for both.

I'd like to understand- do you feel second best and ignored?

Or final nail in the coffin ?

Do you mean the final straw, icing on the cake implies the excellent last thing ontop of all the other excellent stuff...?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He is leaving her with 2 boys under 10.

One is Autistic.

It's not just about finances even though it's a major part of it as it always is.

It's about the lack of time and fun.

Life has become miserable for him.

She didn't notice because all she can think about is the kids - there it is

Wow!

And it's probably miserable for her too! However, she is obviously more grown up and less selfish than the man who left her and his children because he no longer had fun and felt trapped.

Grrrrrrr

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex walked out, ashamed of having a daughter with disabilities...

She's not missed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't answer guys

It's a trick question

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By *uzukiNo1Woman
over a year ago

Rhyl

"My ex walked out, ashamed of having a daughter with disabilities...

She's not missed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son was and remains the centre of my world....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Single, full time dad and I love it

I've met women who couldn't cope with that though.....

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

In my experience (and it is only mine) my missus thought she knew what was best for our boy when actually it wasn’t and turned out not to be. This was the straw that broke the camels back with our relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He is leaving her with 2 boys under 10.

One is Autistic.

It's not just about finances even though it's a major part of it as it always is.

It's about the lack of time and fun.

Life has become miserable for him.

She didn't notice because all she can think about is the kids - there it is

As a mother of two special needs children I understand that the extra level of responsibility and the lack of spontaneity with having an autistic child can put a lot of extra pressure on each parent. She probably doesn’t think life is fun neither but she’s accepted the responsibility. It can be hard especially if the child is severely autistic because you have to accept that at 18 you’re still going to have the same responsibilities of caring for them. It’s hard work to still make time for each other but that’s as much up to him as it is to her. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He is leaving her with 2 boys under 10.

One is Autistic.

It's not just about finances even though it's a major part of it as it always is.

It's about the lack of time and fun.

Life has become miserable for him.

She didn't notice because all she can think about is the kids - there it is

If that’s how he feels, in the long term she’ll probably be better off without him.

She can crack on and carve a life out for herself and the boys, without having to worry about what the “grownup child” is or isn’t doing.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Having kids does put a strain on a relationship. It tests it for sure, and nobody tells you that beforehand. The relationship changes. It can be a slight change till you both adjust and work as a team or a major one if both not on the same page..

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By *entleman_spyMan
over a year ago

nearby

We decided not to have kids as we could see it would be the end of us. I despise children personally, hideous creatures, terrible, taxing burdens. Coming from that perspective I can totally understand someone not being able to take it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We decided not to have kids as we could see it would be the end of us. I despise children personally, hideous creatures, terrible, taxing burdens. Coming from that perspective I can totally understand someone not being able to take it. "

Blimey, don’t hold back on those adjectives!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"He is leaving her with 2 boys under 10.

One is Autistic.

It's not just about finances even though it's a major part of it as it always is.

It's about the lack of time and fun.

Life has become miserable for him.

She didn't notice because all she can think about is the kids - there it is

If that’s how he feels, in the long term she’ll probably be better off without him.

She can crack on and carve a life out for herself and the boys, without having to worry about what the “grownup child” is or isn’t doing.

This is exactly what I think!

She needs to make a life for herself and the boys and not have to worry about him.

I worry for her financially though

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By *lem-H-FandangoMan
over a year ago

salisbury

Some men don't like being pushed down the priority order. Some couples don't like the restriction that caring for a family brings.

Selfish cunts.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Merton

I just think a lot of people don't discuss the pit fall of what having a kid can cause, the when, timing, and what change will happened which is forever no return policy.

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By *4nc3rCouple
over a year ago

Clacton-On-Sea, Essex

"He is leaving her with 2 boys under 10.

One is Autistic.

It's not just about finances even though it's a major part of it as it always is.

It's about the lack of time and fun.

Life has become miserable for him.

She didn't notice because all she can think about is the kids - there it is

If that’s how he feels, in the long term she’ll probably be better off without him.

She can crack on and carve a life out for herself and the boys, without having to worry about what the “grownup child” is or isn’t doing.

This is exactly what I think!

She needs to make a life for herself and the boys and not have to worry about him.

I worry for her financially though

I shouldn't worry, she just needs to make sure she knows what she's entitled to. Not even gonna lie, most of my single friends with children, especially those with autism or other disabilities are far better off than we are both working full time

It may take some time to even out but she's made it this far, she'll make it work and thrive I'm sure

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Some men don't like being pushed down the priority order. Some couples don't like the restriction that caring for a family brings.

Selfish cunts. "

As someone has said above - a lot of people don't realise how difficult it is.

And without this becoming a stupid gender war it's usually the man that leaves and sees the kids at weekends.

Part time parenthood is more bearable for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Having a child with aspergers and having aspergers myself means that parenting took all of my emotional energy and there was nothing left for my ex-husband. He never resented the children for it though, not ever. I would have huge issues with a man who couldn't accept that baby's needs trump his. Now we share 50/50 residency and he has remarried. We are both much happier apart. It's just the way it works out sometimes.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It may take some time to even out but she's made it this far, she'll make it work and thrive I'm sure

Yes I was thinking that.

I don't know anything about the benefit system - but she should definitely look at her options.

Thanks for that - I'm going to look into it a little to see if I can help her x

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By *etter the devil you knowWoman
over a year ago

Lyndhurst

"I think children put a strain on a relationship."

Yes i know of a few couples who got divorced after they had kids, one man said to me that his wife was too tired for sex after having a kid and having to go to college, a few men have told me they did regret having kids, not everyone is that honest though because they do still love them but not their lifestyle choice so much.

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

I found that once I asked him to leave the awful dark cloud also left.

He saw our kids whilst he thought I would change my mind. Not regular, no school holidays etc.

It was hard as I had no real social/private life for years.

It was still the best decision.

I don't know why some men cannot hack having children or being a proper responsible father.

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By *astyEricMan
over a year ago

Hull

"I found that once I asked him to leave the awful dark cloud also left.

He saw our kids whilst he thought I would change my mind. Not regular, no school holidays etc.

It was hard as I had no real social/private life for years.

It was still the best decision.

I don't know why some men cannot hack having children or being a proper responsible father.

Some can't and some can, call it life

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

Many can't and that is the problem.

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By *etter the devil you knowWoman
over a year ago

Lyndhurst

"Some men don't like being pushed down the priority order. Some couples don't like the restriction that caring for a family brings.

Selfish cunts. "

Thats quite understandable though, being a selfish cunt isnt always such a bad thing, you know look after number one, you only got one life and always look after your husband if he looks after you, your kids grow up and leave home hopefuly they do then you will only have your husband.

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

"I found that once I asked him to leave the awful dark cloud also left.

He saw our kids whilst he thought I would change my mind. Not regular, no school holidays etc.

It was hard as I had no real social/private life for years.

It was still the best decision.

I don't know why some men cannot hack having children or being a proper responsible father.

For some it’s not as simple as that, it’s the other changes that go with it.

These things aren’t always black or white but I hope the children can get through it ok

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 24/05/19 09:12:43]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It can put strains of another kind on a relationship too. My dad went the opposite side, waited until myself and my sister were adults (well, until I was coming up 18) to leave as he didn't want to "abandon his kids or shirk responsibility"

At that age I carried an awful lot of guilt that he stayed somewhere that limited his happiness.

My relationship with my dad has been great and still is, my sister however disowned him when he left (she was 21 at the time)

They still haven't reconciled even though he tried for years. She couldn't understand why he left. If he put up with things for that long without it being a problem why did he now find it acceptable to go? Why did he stay so long letting us believe everything was ok and then just up and walk out the door? How could he live a lie all that time? Nothing had changed in over 5 years so why?

She pretty much blamed him for letting her grow up believing that my parents had a "normal" marriage and effectively teaching us it was ok to not be happy, that sleeping in separate rooms was normal etc. She blamed him for skewing her idea of what a relationship should look like.

He stayed for the children, which in turn bit him in the arse and alienated one of the reasons he sacrificed his own happiness for. Screwed up eh?

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

It may take some time to even out but she's made it this far, she'll make it work and thrive I'm sure

Yes I was thinking that.

I don't know anything about the benefit system - but she should definitely look at her options.

Thanks for that - I'm going to look into it a little to see if I can help her x"

I highly recommend Gingerbread - they were a great source of info for me xx I also got a lot of support from my children’s school. Local solicitors offer free half hour clinics when she reaches that point. I felt liberated when my ex left. It was hard work doing everything myself but we were all so much happier once we had our own routine. I wish your friend the very best of luck xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It can put strains of another kind on a relationship too. My dad went the opposite side, waited until myself and my sister were adults (well, until I was coming up 18) to leave as he didn't want to "abandon his kids or shirk responsibility"

At that age I carried an awful lot of guilt that he stayed somewhere that limited his happiness.

My relationship with my dad has been great and still is, my sister however disowned him when he left (she was 21 at the time)

He stayed for the children, which in turn bit him in the arse and alienated one of the reasons he sacrificed his own happiness for. Screwed up eh?

No not screwed up, more common than you think. I’ve done this, waiting until my daughter’s turned 18 before thinking about leaving. She just has and it’s like a switch being turned on in my head saying, now it’s time to do what I want. Hence joining Fab.

It’s a real shame about your sister, your dad meant it well. I hope she realises her view is rather selfish one day. As for single fathers with kids, so HOT!!!!! If there are any reading this, come and say hi

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He is leaving her with 2 boys under 10.

One is Autistic.

It's not just about finances even though it's a major part of it as it always is.

It's about the lack of time and fun.

Life has become miserable for him.

She didn't notice because all she can think about is the kids - there it is

Usually the way. She'll be their main carer. The men play at being dads but really have no clue.

If he had 50% of the responsibility she wouldn't feel like she has to give everything to the kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some men don't like being pushed down the priority order. Some couples don't like the restriction that caring for a family brings.

Selfish cunts.

As someone has said above - a lot of people don't realise how difficult it is.

And without this becoming a stupid gender war it's usually the man that leaves and sees the kids at weekends.

Part time parenthood is more bearable for them.

Being a dad every other weekend suits them fine.

Meanwhile, Mum has to put her life on hold for 12 days out of every 14.

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By *illingVicMan
over a year ago

Sevenoaks

"My son was and remains the centre of my world....

100% this. Always.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At that age I carried an awful lot of guilt that he stayed somewhere that limited his happiness.

My relationship with my dad has been great and still is, my sister however disowned him when he left (she was 21 at the time)

He stayed for the children, which in turn bit him in the arse and alienated one of the reasons he sacrificed his own happiness for. Screwed up eh?

I know he meant well, and as much as I think I'd have wanted him to go sooner for his own happiness I do appreciate his reasons and that he thought so much of us and our stability he sacrificed many years of his life financially and emotionally.

But it does prove that staying for the sake of the kids can backfire and you can lose the thing you tried to protect.

That makes me incredibly sad for my dad.

I do wonder how different things would be with him and my sister if he had gone years earlier. She is a selfish cunt though and I've cut her out of my life.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It may take some time to even out but she's made it this far, she'll make it work and thrive I'm sure

Yes I was thinking that.

I don't know anything about the benefit system - but she should definitely look at her options.

Thanks for that - I'm going to look into it a little to see if I can help her x

The Gingerbread website looks excellent.

That's great advice thankyou - I have forwarded it on to her x

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

It may take some time to even out but she's made it this far, she'll make it work and thrive I'm sure

Yes I was thinking that.

I don't know anything about the benefit system - but she should definitely look at her options.

Thanks for that - I'm going to look into it a little to see if I can help her x

The Gingerbread website looks excellent.

That's great advice thankyou - I have forwarded it on to her x"

Also, tell her to keep a diary of arranged contact, if late collecting or dropping off, kids moods, keep all text messages, emails etc - I advise all friends who have kids & are splitting up (both sides, not just the mums) to do this. Get any financial arrangements written down so they both know where they stand from the start. Notify council tax to get single person discount, contact all utility suppliers to check/renegotiate packages (I saved a fortune doing this) & change all passwords on all account & be careful why at they post on social media xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a new dad in the modern world I feel pretty qualified to answer this.

The problem is social media. You log on and you see people with their babies/kids. Everything looks perfect, you’re given plenty of leaflets and books throughout the pregnancy, everything looks perfect, you see celebrities having babies. They all look perfect. Everything looks perfect.

Bringing kids up is still the same as years gone by, but now everything is in your face only showing the good side.

So when the baby finally gets here your slapped straight in the face with the bad side that you haven’t seen yet. Couple that with being told constantly you’ll never feel love like it and that it’s an instant bond....I didn’t feel anything for a couple of months and I’ve no issue telling people that.

It is all worth it and my daughter now makes me the proudest I’ve ever been, I look at my partner and I’ve never been prouder or more in love with her. But it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

As has been said above it’s hard, like really fucking hard. But as social protocol dictates, the done thing is to dress it all up as perfect.

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

I was left to raise 3 kids alone, the youngest 2 both under 2yrso and both with needs that required constant care.

Youngest ADHD/ASD, the middle son, brain damaged & physically disabled from a stroke.

My ex played daddy when it suited him.

It's only been the last few yrs, since they've become teenagers, he has actively become part of their lives.

They're fun now, don't require 24/7 care, can be left alone.

He's never paid a penny in child support either.

I despise men like him. With a passion.

A real man does not walk away from his family, leave them to struggle emotionally, physically, financially.

A real man, puts his kids before his own needs.

Bored with life?

Christ, imagine what a world would live in if we all just walked out on our responsibilities because we were bored of them

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Men can feel excluded when children are young. Childcare takes up a huge amount of the main providers time and emotional energy. The answer is to join in with the child care, make it a joint responsibility, realise that the care giver does not need another call on their time or energy but a help mate and supporter. The care giver also needs to realise that their relationship with their partner is important and needs maintenance too.

Communication is, as ever key.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Having an autistic child isn’t easy I know it’s prob hard for her as well......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Socail media has a massive impact on relationships wether children are involved or not... I think it's just too easy now to give up and not bother even trying.. was speaking to an old couple the other day at work and they had been together 56 years... i asked what's the secret and she said avoid the internet lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Both parents have responsibilities, and both parents should be involved in setting examples of a child's expectations in life.

If a parent is never involved in certain aspects, then it leads a child to believe that's acceptable in life.

Dads never clean up or shop? Mothers never get involved in activity...the usual false perceptions.

But leaving a dysfunctional relationship isn't leaving parenting.

Theres a lot of nasty resentful bitter comments above, with no consideration for separated parents who work equally hard to provide an up bringing.

Children live what children learn.

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By *oul BrothaMan
over a year ago

A Galaxy far far away

I'm not sure why anyone would think or expect for them to come first in a relationship. Your children absolutely take priority.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" Both parents have responsibilities, and both parents should be involved in setting examples of a child's expectations in life.

If a parent is never involved in certain aspects, then it leads a child to believe that's acceptable in life.

Dads never clean up or shop? Mothers never get involved in activity...the usual false perceptions.

But leaving a dysfunctional relationship isn't leaving parenting.

Theres a lot of nasty resentful bitter comments above, with no consideration for separated parents who work equally hard to provide an up bringing.

Children live what children learn."

I absolutely agree.

My sister has treated all the men in her life like shit (from what I've seen and heard when we were speaking, and even when we cut ties and I remained in contact with my then brother-in-law. She expected them not to have a voice, not to have an opinion, to put up and shut up.... much the same as my mum expected of my dad.

I on the other hand think I went too far the other way and ended up bending over backwards and devoting too much of myself into making the other person in my life happy, resulting in my own unhappiness and loss of who I was (much like my dad did)

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

"Are you bored with your life?

I know this is a loaded question .. but I ask because I have a couple of friends that are going through breakups at the moment.

And it appears that it was having the kids that was the icing on the cake for both.

I'd like to understand- do you feel second best and ignored?

We would all like to have a fun, active life, the chance to have the freedom to travel, experience new things, spend a lazy day in the sunshine

However, when you make the decision to have a child you know your life will never be the same again, your priorities and responsibilities change, they do become the centre of attention and controls your family life and what activities you can do. It is tough but both need to actively find time for each other, even if it’s just the simplest of things like snuggling on the sofa watching a movie when the kids have gone to bed.

I’m now a single mum of four years, I left for a reason and wouldn’t change that no matter how frustrating life can feel at times. I’m lucky, I split the child care with my ex and our son, in his own words “as two happy homes”. He’s never heard either of his parents turn on each other and never will, as our priority still (even though apart) is our son’s wellbeing.

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

[Removed by poster at 24/05/19 12:15:29]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FYI - icing on the cake = an extra great topping to be added to something that is already good

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

The worse thing about the break up of my marriage was the hurt it would do to the kids and the fear of not having my kids around me. Especially as my ex was moving in with another man about 100 miles away. I'd left the forces so I could be with my kids and come home to them every night. The idea of losing my family sunk me into the deepest, lowest hole I'd ever been in my life. Every day I felt shell-shocked and sick to my stomach with worry. Luckily this has a happy ending because she took the kids with her and within 2 months they were back home with we where they belong. The youngest was 6 months old at the time so at least he won't remember the life before. I feel sad for my eldest because she does remember a life when her mummy lived with us. I wouldn't trade raising my children (all be it as single parent) for world. I am so proud of them and what we have achieved. I'm not sure if icing on the cake is the right term but they certainly were the salvation of a dark situation.

So no I'm not board with life. Any one who is a single parent knows it's hard work. Kids take everything from you (not just money). Genrally I work, look after kids and do the house work once said kids are in bed. I rarely get an hour to watch TV. It can grind you down sometimes granted. But I have a good life, earn a good living and have met the most amazing woman. And I do have some great adventures now and then as a family and with My partner.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly

"Men can feel excluded when children are young. Childcare takes up a huge amount of the main providers time and emotional energy. The answer is to join in with the child care, make it a joint responsibility, realise that the care giver does not need another call on their time or energy but a help mate and supporter. The care giver also needs to realise that their relationship with their partner is important and needs maintenance too.

Communication is, as ever key."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"FYI - icing on the cake = an extra great topping to be added to something that is already good

Ahhh now I understand Estellas comment

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" Both parents have responsibilities, and both parents should be involved in setting examples of a child's expectations in life.

If a parent is never involved in certain aspects, then it leads a child to believe that's acceptable in life.

Dads never clean up or shop? Mothers never get involved in activity...the usual false perceptions.

But leaving a dysfunctional relationship isn't leaving parenting.

Theres a lot of nasty resentful bitter comments above, with no consideration for separated parents who work equally hard to provide an up bringing.

Children live what children learn."

Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My ex walked out, ashamed of having a daughter with disabilities...

She's not missed

What a cunt!

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