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Moral dilemma

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Cut along story shorter:

My ex husband has a brilliant girlfriend and does absolutely anything for our boys in terms of making sure they have the best education, using her contacts in the teaching world and she is a lovely person.

He’s been messing around with this woman that ultimately broke up our marriage 5 years ago and over those years he has slept with her multiple times and god knows what else.

I said to him last year when he was telling me he would give everything up for this woman not to break his girlfriends heart and over the past 6 months they moved into a lovely house and got really solid (he gave up his council house).

Today the woman he had been messing about with messaged the girlfriend asking if they were still together and when she said yes the woman went right off in one basically telling her everything that had happened over the last few years, apparently she split with her boyfriend over the weekend and looks like she thought my ex would go walking into her life and it’s backed fired.

So I had his girlfriend on the phone tonight ‘as I am the only person that knows the real version of him’ for advice, now I know much of what has gone on and I was really angry he put me in that position!

I lied, I lied through my teeth as I couldn’t be the one to break her heart, I know this was my chance to tell the truth but I didn’t know what to say and I do believe he actually really loves her somewhere but this other woman has got one of those grips over him.

My question is did I do the right thing but not telling her the actual truth or should I said ‘you should ask him’ which means I knew everything going on and didn’t tell her. I wish I wasn’t involved to be totally honest with you but I am glad she felt she could come to me for help.

Sorry it’s long I’m just totally confused what was the best thing, if it all comes out my boys lose their home and god knows what but that’s the the reason, the reason is the girlfriend loves my ex to death and they are so well suited.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I would just say to her you need to speak to him. It’s his mess, he needs to sort it and put things right.

Horrible situation to be in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like the gf knows most of it from the other womans text

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Sounds like the gf knows most of it from the other womans text "

I think deep down she probably does, he has told so many lies she can’t be that naive (she isn’t, she has a good head on her shoulders). I think she was hoping I would be the one to confirm it all, I panicked and didn’t know what to say for the best, say the wrong thing and I break her heart or do what I did say but then he could still come all out anyway, it’s not over no matter how much he wants it to be.

I’m still angry about it now.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I think that lying to her could mean that she won't trust you and withdraw support for your children when the truth does come out.

This is their relationship and I think you should have remained a silent, sympathetic ear with no comments. However, what is done is done. You know them, not us.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a similar issue. I lied to his girlfriend to save their relationship but they split anyway, and got blamed for it.

You can't win no matter what. If you like her be there for her to listen but tell her to speak to him.

She deserves better anyway.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I think that lying to her could mean that she won't trust you and withdraw support for your children when the truth does come out.

This is their relationship and I think you should have remained a silent, sympathetic ear with no comments. However, what is done is done. You know them, not us.

"

I totally agree with you, I just really panicked on the phone, I had no idea what to say in that split second, I should have just ignored her call, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds like the gf knows most of it from the other womans text

I think deep down she probably does, he has told so many lies she can’t be that naive (she isn’t, she has a good head on her shoulders). I think she was hoping I would be the one to confirm it all, I panicked and didn’t know what to say for the best, say the wrong thing and I break her heart or do what I did say but then he could still come all out anyway, it’s not over no matter how much he wants it to be.

I’m still angry about it now."

But it's not you breaking her heart, it's your greedy man child of an ex sadly. But I do understand that you don't want to inflict further pain on what sounds like a nice lady

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds like the gf knows most of it from the other womans text

I think deep down she probably does, he has told so many lies she can’t be that naive (she isn’t, she has a good head on her shoulders). I think she was hoping I would be the one to confirm it all, I panicked and didn’t know what to say for the best, say the wrong thing and I break her heart or do what I did say but then he could still come all out anyway, it’s not over no matter how much he wants it to be.

I’m still angry about it now.

But it's not you breaking her heart, it's your greedy man child of an ex sadly. But I do understand that you don't want to inflict further pain on what sounds like a nice lady "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Sounds like the gf knows most of it from the other womans text

I think deep down she probably does, he has told so many lies she can’t be that naive (she isn’t, she has a good head on her shoulders). I think she was hoping I would be the one to confirm it all, I panicked and didn’t know what to say for the best, say the wrong thing and I break her heart or do what I did say but then he could still come all out anyway, it’s not over no matter how much he wants it to be.

I’m still angry about it now.

But it's not you breaking her heart, it's your greedy man child of an ex sadly. But I do understand that you don't want to inflict further pain on what sounds like a nice lady "

That’s what my kids call him, man child. You have it to a tee.

What’s done is done and I hope they work it out but I will be having words with him that he needs to be truthful to her from now on, she’s a lovely lady and shouldn’t be treated like that (if they decide to stay together).

Thing is that thing of doubt is in the back of her mind and also our boys know some stuff too, truthfully I hope he does get what he deserves but at the same time he doesn’t because I don’t want her hurt, it’s awful.

That said he is a great father to our boys, he would do anything for them.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

You were put on the spot and did what you thought was right at the time. In general I always say keep out of other people's relationships but support them in talking to each other about their issues.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do YOU think yo do the right thing OP? That's all that matters really, as long as you don't feel guilt or wish strongly that you'd handled it another way then I guess it's all good and you did your best when put on the spot. Don't beat yourself up about it, they should both know better by the sounds of it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That’s a tough one! I think she probably has an idea, not sure if the truth or a white lie is more damage! I feel your pain! I found out things before I probably didn’t want to know.. but still to this day I’m unsure if I wanted to know them or not!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At least in this case, you’re really not the one at fault! Don’t feel bad like you’ve done something wrong

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