FabSwingers.com forum: Loneliness

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Inspired by another thread, a couple actually, I have got thinking about the nature of loneliness and what causes it. The obvious answer is isolation, but there are people who are physically isolated and cope perfectly well with solitude. There are also those who are surrounded by people who are cripplingly lonely.

What is needed to keep loneliness at bay? Is it a state of mind, something that nobody else can remedy for us? I assume everybody has different requirements in order to feel whole.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good thread op.

I don't think you need to be physically isolated to suffer from loneliness.

I've suffered from bouts of loneliness and I'm surrounded by family, friends, work colleagues, and my job is customer facing.

I think my loneliness has been because I feel sometimes that I am surrounded by people who don't notice me or understand me.

I'm more than comfortable in my own company and relish me time. So I don't see it as a physical problem but more a thought process

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By *ingle Beds LassWoman
over a year ago

Bedfordshire

I believe, from personal experience, it is pretty much down to the individual. So long as there are no other mental or physical issues involved. It's all about helping yourself and asking for help from friends, family or professionals if you feel you are not coping.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I guess there are different types of loneliness too. Missing human contact, just a chit chat and a cuppa, is very different to missing emotional intimacy and understanding.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's about not feeling that you have anyone who listens to you and understands you. Which is why it's possible to be lonely even though you appear on the surface to have loads of "friends", or you can be surrounded by individuals who are what I call "net takers".

Most of us have very few real friends and some people have none at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm at my best when I have a strong group of friends I get to see on a regular basis.

Unfortunately life doesn't always play out like that and often find myself totally alone on my weekends and weekdays to myself.

I do my best to play it down and deal with it by plodding on. This is the longest sustained period in my life where I've no social group. It does effect me. If I'm brutally truthful it hurts a bit, makes me wonder what's wrong with me (no pity PMs please).

I've been through tough periods before though, times change, life moves on, new challenges, new lessons.

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By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago

Masked and Distant

I often feel lonely in my own house, OH asleep, 2 offspring in their own rooms on their phones.

Have a large circle of friends and colleagues but no really close friend to unburden my woes on.

People only want me for my wallet and knowledge apparently.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the key to not suffering loneliness is being comfortable with ones situation, and being able to deal with it in a healthy manner. People who are reclused and don't see a great deal of people might be less lonely because they don't get caught up in other peoples business much, have no struggle of feeling compared to others, and have less stress to deal with.

Lonely people in more built up areas might be so because they feel social pressure weighing them down, and they feel like they can't talk to the people they want to confide in, while the people that are there are people who they feel they can't talk to due to not feeling connected to them or not wanting to weigh them down with their problems. I can say that I suffer that, and I get lonely a lot.

Busying the mind and having hobbies can be a great way to help with loneliness, just as something to fill those voids of being alone with nothing but ones own mind feeding itself negative thoughts.

I should take my own advice really

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I spend an awful lot of time on my own and I'm personally very happy with that. I have lovely friends who I see every so often and who I can talk to about anything, so I don't feel isolated as my isolation is through choice.

When I separated from my partner in January I was worried I'd feel terribly alone. Fortunately it hasn't worked out that way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Solitude and loneliness are two separate things. I often love solitude but prefer to come home to having the wife and step-daughter about. I loathe TV programs that champion perfect homes and apparent content wealthy couples. I value people more. If alone I night pop into various places just for a chat. Other times I lose myself gardening alone for hours. But many struggle I realise to find anyone to share time with. In a busy world, it's just so sad

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

To my mind loneliness is not just about physical isolation, it's about the mental closeness with other individuals and that feeling of understanding and being understood or lack thereof that causes loneliness. Its perfectly possible to be lonely in a crowded room if this is lacking and conversely be happy in isolation if it's in abundance.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think it's about not feeling that you have anyone who listens to you and understands you. Which is why it's possible to be lonely even though you appear on the surface to have loads of "friends", or you can be surrounded by individuals who are what I call "net takers".

Most of us have very few real friends and some people have none at all. "

Facebook era. How many of those people are real friends. Or just Stepford wives smiling on the outside but don't give a shit.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

"To my mind loneliness is not just about physical isolation, it's about the mental closeness with other individuals and that feeling of understanding and being understood or lack thereof that causes loneliness. Its perfectly possible to be lonely in a crowded room if this is lacking and conversely be happy in isolation if it's in abundance.

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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago

Near Marlborough

I am often on my own. It’s just me and my daughter in our home and if she’s off with her dad, especially in summer hols when she’s away for 3 weeks, then it’s just me. I have a small, but close, circle of friends plus A wider group of people I know and a couple of fwbs that are in my life, but every so often I do get hit by a proper feeling of loneliness and I feel like I miss the intimacy of a more regular relationship. But in all honesty I’m very happy these days with my life, and changing it doesn't really appeal so I just try to ignore the lonely moments.

When my life is busy I relish the solitude sometimes. But when it’s forced on me then it feels more lonely.

V x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm at my best when I have a strong group of friends I get to see on a regular basis.

Unfortunately life doesn't always play out like that and often find myself totally alone on my weekends and weekdays to myself.

I've been through tough periods before though, times change, life moves on, new challenges, new lessons.

I'm in the same situation. Usually I'm quite happy being on my own but just sometimes I physically need a friend to be with and I've got none local to call.

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

The loneliest that I have felt in my life was whilst being in a dysfunctional long term relationship.

I am lucky that I have friends and family that I can laugh and cry with so I am never truly alone. I am a person that

Wants interaction from others but thinks that loneliness can only be dealt with from within by being happy in your own skin and head and all that.

Maybe I'd think differently if I didn't have good people around me.

I have also been in long term relationship where I was anything but lonely and whilst maybe that would be nice again not having it doesn't make me lonely.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

When I'm tired and rundown I really miss having someone to just cuddle. Lack of physical intimacy is my biggest issue. I have plenty of emotional intimacy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Getting some spiritually into oneself definitely helps

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most of us have very few real friends and some people have none at all.

Facebook era. How many of those people are real friends. Or just Stepford wives smiling on the outside but don't give a shit. "

I don't think it's a new phenomenon, although probably exacerbated by social media.

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By *inkySeeKinkyDoWoman
over a year ago

'tween PontyCarlo & CasVegas in West Yorks

Its comforting to know im not the only person to feel all these things.

Solitude is great but too much solitude rapidly turns to lonliness and feelings of self worth deteriorate

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By *arlo82Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. Really is your mental state and how close you feel to those around you? Are they fair weather friends or lifers? Is there anything else missing in life? Is your job somewhat solo?

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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

I have had periods of loneliness in my life. Oddly the worst episodes have been when I was in relationships. The crippling isolation of losing your sense of self,being subsumed into the role you play.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you are lonely how many turn to fab and other quick fix online contact systems to try and fill that void? It never feels the same as face to face talking and the ability to hug a person goodnight. The endorphins from a hug last way longer than just a click of a mouse. I avoid fab when feeling lonely as it just seems to exacerbate it.

Him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I usually feel at my most alone in a room full of people who just don't get who I am or when I feel my nearest and dearest don't have my back. Solitude doesn't bother me in the slightest, my demons and I get on very well together.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"I usually feel at my most alone in a room full of people who just don't get who I am or when I feel my nearest and dearest don't have my back. Solitude doesn't bother me in the slightest, my demons and I get on very well together."

Yep. I quite enjoy solitude - I love taking myself away and doing my own thing in the Lakes without others around. When I am surrounded by people but feel my atypicalness makes me really different, that's when I feel isolated. I make a concerted effort to reach out to friends and family who understand at times like those.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

Understanding your psyche helps to figure out loneliness once you figure out happiness. Sometimes you have to go through loneliness, suffering, feeling confused and lost, feeling totally stuck not knowing what to do. Happiness is acceptance or joy of the 'present moment'.

Resisting the present moment is why people are lonely you have to live and deal with the present. You need to be present to get to the future and the past is written and done. Everyone suffers from loneliness it is part of life, how you deal with is what distinguish your experience.

Our attitude is usually something we can control, do you start your day cheerful, happy, sad, lonely. Of course, it is expected life brings these emotions but if you can catch yourself and understand why then you can begin to change your attitude towards what caused it. also, healthy people are usually happy people treat your body and mind right and you would be the kind of person the right group of friends and that others like to have around them.

isolation is more of a decision of preference to grow, study, train etc. I am the isolated type.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What about elderly people with limited mobility and forced isolation? I don't think the 'state of mind and acceptance of the present' argument stands up here. When everyone you've loved had died and you have no way of finding more connections then 'being present' isn't going to cut it.

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

I think sometimes it can be a result of having something you once had that has gone. Something if you'd never had in the first place you would felt so lonely without it. Maybe like after losing a partner who knew you inside out and you could share everything with. I know when I left the forces there was a loneliness. I missed the lads, you share with them that people on the outside just not get or understand. Shared experiances (Good and dark), shared goals, humour, language and feeling of care and responsibility to each other. It's more a brotherhood than a freindship. Your surrounded with people who have your back. You can sometimes feel a bit of an alien in the normal world and that feels like a kind of loneliness and that your on your own.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love my own company. All my life I have strived to keep friends at arm's length to protect my bubble.

Now with my children all adults with their own lives, even I am often lonely.

I really feel for others that are too now that I understand this new alien feeling.

I think it's more common than we all realise.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suffer from loneliness at weekends and I try to keep busy but sometimes it does effect me and I get down about it. I know triggers and try and avoid them such as social media where everyone is with their family or partners etc out having fun.

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"What about elderly people with limited mobility and forced isolation? I don't think the 'state of mind and acceptance of the present' argument stands up here. When everyone you've loved had died and you have no way of finding more connections then 'being present' isn't going to cut it. "

That's a good point. But if you can look back after at your life and feel content knowing that you've had that. I would probably take comfort in that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think sometimes it can be a result of having something you once had that has gone. Something if you'd never had in the first place you would felt so lonely without it. Maybe like after losing a partner who knew you inside out and you could share everything with. I know when I left the forces there was a loneliness. I missed the lads, you share with them that people on the outside just not get or understand. Shared experiances (Good and dark), shared goals, humour, language and feeling of care and responsibility to each other. It's more a brotherhood than a freindship. Your surrounded with people who have your back. You can sometimes feel a bit of an alien in the normal world and that feels like a kind of loneliness and that your on your own."

I can relate to the military part.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree that loneliness and solitude are two different things.

Loneliness is something out of your control that is a result of your circumstances and solitude is something you actively seek out,

Also think that being lonely as a single parent is a particular kind of isolation, 24/7 with no breaks and no one to share the childcare responsibilities with.

I’ve been a single parent now for so long, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be with someone. Loneliness .... kinda creeps up on you x

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By *inkysexpotMan
over a year ago

leeds

I quite enjoy the solitude but the loneliness sometimes gets to me so I just try to keep myself busy, i do have friends I can go see and chat with just sometimes I think I don't want to be a burden on them as their all doing their own thing and having family time too. Like someone said social media doesn't help sometimes so I came off of all the usual ones and feel much better for it too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can relate to the military part."

I often think that the situation with ex military is one of our biggest failings, so much emphasis put on training to survive in dangerous situations and on foreign soil but then no training in how to survive back in civilian life. There should be just as much time and resources put into the latter as there is in the former

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is another one I struggle with, my job involves me making sure my elderly customers feel that they can come to us any time for company, we reminisce with them, often find other customers to chat with them.....but then I've got my dad, who is elderly and alone but in a prison of his own making because he's spent his life being an arsehole who makes everyone uncomfortable around him so now he has no one. I feel a bit of a hypocrite spending time with strangers rather than my dad but this is his karma

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

"What about elderly people with limited mobility and forced isolation?

They have to accept that is their life now. Wondering about it does not solve the problem except if there is a solution and besides, you are the one, us the viewers looking at it as bad. every situation is different.

I don't think the 'state of mind and acceptance of the present' argument stands up here. When everyone you've loved had died and you have no way of finding more connections then 'being present' isn't going to cut it. "

Again if someone passes away that is their life, trying to bring back the past does nothing besides putting yourself in that lonely state. which everyone goes there more than they will care to admit myself included.

They have lived their life to the best of their ability. Death is part of life, anyone here could be gone tomorrow comfort with death brings better living understanding it is a process of life or life need death for things to change. I know it is easier said than done. None of us is beating death, so don't waste time on things that are not important or good for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can relate to the military part.

Yup.. I've some simple ideas on how to change that as well. Only I wouldn't know who to talk to and the one group I tried "Princes Trust" Don't take unsolicited ideas.

I wanted to look at undoing the institutionalization. Providing a safe zone for those with PTSD and war related guilt. Also a place any ex forces/ex emergency services can go as a last point of call when all else fails.

None of them should be on the street and it breaks my heart to see them suffer more than they need to.

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By *orkie321bWoman
over a year ago

Nottingham

"I agree that loneliness and solitude are two different things.

Loneliness is something out of your control that is a result of your circumstances and solitude is something you actively seek out,

Also think that being lonely as a single parent is a particular kind of isolation, 24/7 with no breaks and no one to share the childcare responsibilities with.

I’ve been a single parent now for so long, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be with someone. Loneliness .... kinda creeps up on you x

It's a similar kind of lonliness being a carer and it's very easy to get isolated but you are never actually on your own. You are spending 24hrs a day doing everything for someone else and you don't make time for your own needs.

After doing this for 3 years I went back to work part time, 12 hours a week. It's hard to leave the person you are looking after because you worry if they are going to be OK but it gives me the opportunity to be around other people and to be me and not just mum's carer.

I do crave solitude all the time because I'm rarely alone. When I'm feeling low I go to a lovely park about a mile from home. I spend a little time on my own wandering around the lake and enjoying nature. Have a little chat with others enjoying the park and/or watch children playing.

It seems to help with my lonliness and my craving for solitude all at once.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What about elderly people with limited mobility and forced isolation?

Acceptance of the present cannot eradicate loneliness surely? I wasn't referring to trying to bri g back the past in denial of the present. If an elderly person who is physically isolated craves more human contact, yet can do nothing about it, they will feel lonely. It's as simple as that. Being accepting of your situation will not dispel that very basic and essential human need. I'm sure there are some people who will be at peace with that situation if they ever find themselves in it, but I imagine most will not. It's easy to say in your 30's that you will deal with it mindfully and practise acceptance, but until we are there we cannot decide how we will react or feel.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I agree that loneliness and solitude are two different things.

Loneliness is something out of your control that is a result of your circumstances and solitude is something you actively seek out,

Also think that being lonely as a single parent is a particular kind of isolation, 24/7 with no breaks and no one to share the childcare responsibilities with.

I’ve been a single parent now for so long, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be with someone. Loneliness .... kinda creeps up on you x

I get that, I’m a single parent too and my sons have special needs as well, that makes me more isolated and alone as only other parents in the same situation can understand the limitations on my life. Yes I have mr at times but as we don’t live together I still have long periods of time where I’m lonely. Sometimes life and circumstances don’t help with these feelings. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Recently moved, I don’t drive and don’t know anyone, and Mr away with work for months, so socially isolated. I felt my loneliest when I was married though. My ex didn’t notice anything, didn’t acknowledge my feelings, and I don’t think I ever felt so alone.

You can be in a crowd of people and still feel alone xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a large family and dogs so I rarely feel alone.

Now and then I get a feeling of isolation; usually when I'm in bed alone. I feel sad and crave someone to touch.

It goes away once I'm up in the morning and my dogs are crowding me on sofa.

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