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Battle scars

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

You know, those deep wounds left behind from people who've been in your life previously.

Or even sometimes events rather than people.

You try so hard to leave stuff in the past where it belongs, and you think you have. You're convinced you have.

How do you deal with things when those feelings are triggered again by stuff that really shouldn't matter?

You hate it. You hate the fact that events of the past still hold some power, no matter how much you don't want them to.

Do you think we hang on to some of it unintentionally? Like our brain has decided it's learned a lesson it doesn't want us to forget, for future protection?

Do you think we can be too far damaged to ever be who we were before?

Are we forever changed, and do we just need to admit there are things that we don't like about ourselves, unnecessary fears, anxieties etc, and accept they're now a slice of who we now are?

P

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rage until there buried deep again

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Rage until there buried deep again"

Is that not just buried again though, rather than tackled/beaten

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's a natural/evolutionary type process, there to protect you. I don't think there's a lot you can do but try to make the most and wait until you're sorted. Eventually you'll wake up and it's sorted. Distraction helps temporarily but that's all it is.....

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By *ryst In IsoldeWoman
over a year ago

your imagination

Everything changes us to a greater or lesser degree. You will never be the same person you were even yesterday. Some occurrences and behaviours just have more of an impact and lead to a more radical change.

I've given this a little thought, and know that my trust is much harder earned these days than it was, and that's not because the new people in my life (be they swingers, friends, colleagues or acquaintances) are less trustworthy, it's because I've learned that my trust, however valuable it is to me, may hold no currency with someone else, and can be cast aside as easily as a chewing gum wrapper.

There's no harm in protecting yourself. But at some point you will realise those worries about someone have faded and they have earned your trust. Just takes time xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know the answer P

It's infuriating and cliche but scars take time and only heal when you treat them properly x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everything we do changes us. That accumulated experience of life makes us who we are now.

So if we forget the past then perhaps we just repeat the same cycles until we learn to do it differently next time, whatever next time is.

We can never change where we have been, or where we come from Peach. All we can ever change is today. So those hurts those things in our past the dark times, they may come back from time to time. They may still hurt us when they do. But really they are lost gone like snow in the sunshine...

And when those memories come back, they cant hurt us, unless we let them.

Its easy to say let go of the past, less easy for us all to do, it's part of what forms us, but it doesnt control our futures. We do that ourselves....

Today I hope your future is full of peace.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I think it's a natural/evolutionary type process, there to protect you. I don't think there's a lot you can do but try to make the most and wait until you're sorted. Eventually you'll wake up and it's sorted. Distraction helps temporarily but that's all it is....."

The most I've found is ride it out, try to make sense of why (any connection) and deal with it one at a time. I don't know I'm actually dealing with, or just having the mini meltdown pass of it's own accord.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex husband fucked with my mind, not majorly but little things to make any relationship I had after him a little difficult to get my head round, Doughnut is so different to him but now and again little things creep back in that I’m reminded off (like saying I said something enen I didn’t etc) and I find myself going back to a place that I’ve tried and worked so hard to live differently over.

It’s bloody hard when you’ve been emotionally abused but I try and stay strong.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Everything changes us to a greater or lesser degree. You will never be the same person you were even yesterday. Some occurrences and behaviours just have more of an impact and lead to a more radical change.

I've given this a little thought, and know that my trust is much harder earned these days than it was, and that's not because the new people in my life (be they swingers, friends, colleagues or acquaintances) are less trustworthy, it's because I've learned that my trust, however valuable it is to me, may hold no currency with someone else, and can be cast aside as easily as a chewing gum wrapper.

There's no harm in protecting yourself. But at some point you will realise those worries about someone have faded and they have earned your trust. Just takes time xxx "

I don't want to be changed. I want to be the me I was.

You're so right about it isn't other people being less trustworthy, and that in itself brings me guilt.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I don't know the answer P

It's infuriating and cliche but scars take time and only heal when you treat them properly x"

It's the treating them that I'm not too sure how to do I think

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some scars never heal and it'd a case for me personally of not letting them overwhelm the whole of me. I know they are there, but I don't let them take over my life.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My ex husband fucked with my mind, not majorly but little things to make any relationship I had after him a little difficult to get my head round, Doughnut is so different to him but now and again little things creep back in that I’m reminded off (like saying I said something enen I didn’t etc) and I find myself going back to a place that I’ve tried and worked so hard to live differently over.

It’s bloody hard when you’ve been emotionally abused but I try and stay strong."

I hear ya.

What I find so frustrating is the things that will send my mind into a whirling dervish are things that totally shouldn't! Anxiety over nothing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Some scars never heal and it'd a case for me personally of not letting them overwhelm the whole of me. I know they are there, but I don't let them take over my life. "

How do you deal with them when they crop up? I don't think mine really crop up that often, or as often as they could, but when they do they take me by surprise and then I get really fucking angry with myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You know, those deep wounds left behind from people who've been in your life previously.

Or even sometimes events rather than people.

You try so hard to leave stuff in the past where it belongs, and you think you have. You're convinced you have.

How do you deal with things when those feelings are triggered again by stuff that really shouldn't matter?

You hate it. You hate the fact that events of the past still hold some power, no matter how much you don't want them to.

Do you think we hang on to some of it unintentionally? Like our brain has decided it's learned a lesson it doesn't want us to forget, for future protection?

Do you think we can be too far damaged to ever be who we were before?

Are we forever changed, and do we just need to admit there are things that we don't like about ourselves, unnecessary fears, anxieties etc, and accept they're now a slice of who we now are?

P

"

I'm forever changed. A combination of quite a few traumatic events. This is who I am now, that's who I was then.

My mental scars are just a series of valuable lessons that turned him into me. I wouldn't be without them, I'm wiser, more patient, more empathetic, kinder for those brutal life lessons.

Having said that.. They weren't all that hard and I'm tough as old boots

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Everything we do changes us. That accumulated experience of life makes us who we are now.

So if we forget the past then perhaps we just repeat the same cycles until we learn to do it differently next time, whatever next time is.

We can never change where we have been, or where we come from Peach. All we can ever change is today. So those hurts those things in our past the dark times, they may come back from time to time. They may still hurt us when they do. But really they are lost gone like snow in the sunshine...

And when those memories come back, they cant hurt us, unless we let them.

Its easy to say let go of the past, less easy for us all to do, it's part of what forms us, but it doesnt control our futures. We do that ourselves....

Today I hope your future is full of peace.

"

The worst is I KNOW it's gone, like snow in the sunshine. I don't even think about it, and if I do it doesn't hurt. It makes me so mad that something tiny now can bring the feeling. It's a feeling rather than a memory if that makes sense.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't know the answer P

It's infuriating and cliche but scars take time and only heal when you treat them properly x

It's the treating them that I'm not too sure how to do I think "

Try and think these past events through rationally.

Were they your fault or beyond your control? If they were, you can only own it, learn from it and try to be a better person going forward..

If they weren't your fault, how did you let yourself become vulnerable? Too trusting, turned a blind eye to something you could have nipped in the bud before it became a major event? Here again, you can only learn from it and don't let it happen again. Trust your instincts.

I expect most of us carry demons to some extent. I have a few and every now and then I get them out, walk them around and re-examine them to see if I should have dealt with them differently. I think the trick is simply being able to analyse what's happened, and learn from it. No point beating yourself up over past events that you cannot now change.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You know, those deep wounds left behind from people who've been in your life previously.

Or even sometimes events rather than people.

You try so hard to leave stuff in the past where it belongs, and you think you have. You're convinced you have.

How do you deal with things when those feelings are triggered again by stuff that really shouldn't matter?

You hate it. You hate the fact that events of the past still hold some power, no matter how much you don't want them to.

Do you think we hang on to some of it unintentionally? Like our brain has decided it's learned a lesson it doesn't want us to forget, for future protection?

Do you think we can be too far damaged to ever be who we were before?

Are we forever changed, and do we just need to admit there are things that we don't like about ourselves, unnecessary fears, anxieties etc, and accept they're now a slice of who we now are?

P

I'm forever changed. A combination of quite a few traumatic events. This is who I am now, that's who I was then.

My mental scars are just a series of valuable lessons that turned him into me. I wouldn't be without them, I'm wiser, more patient, more empathetic, kinder for those brutal life lessons.

Having said that.. They weren't all that hard and I'm tough as old boots "

I think I'm all of the positive things too, but with some self torturing shit bits thrown in for good measure. I need them to fuck off!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Rage until there buried deep again

Is that not just buried again though, rather than tackled/beaten"

Yep

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You know, those deep wounds left behind from people who've been in your life previously.

Or even sometimes events rather than people.

You try so hard to leave stuff in the past where it belongs, and you think you have. You're convinced you have.

How do you deal with things when those feelings are triggered again by stuff that really shouldn't matter?

You hate it. You hate the fact that events of the past still hold some power, no matter how much you don't want them to.

Do you think we hang on to some of it unintentionally? Like our brain has decided it's learned a lesson it doesn't want us to forget, for future protection?

Do you think we can be too far damaged to ever be who we were before?

Are we forever changed, and do we just need to admit there are things that we don't like about ourselves, unnecessary fears, anxieties etc, and accept they're now a slice of who we now are?

P

I'm forever changed. A combination of quite a few traumatic events. This is who I am now, that's who I was then.

My mental scars are just a series of valuable lessons that turned him into me. I wouldn't be without them, I'm wiser, more patient, more empathetic, kinder for those brutal life lessons.

Having said that.. They weren't all that hard and I'm tough as old boots

I think I'm all of the positive things too, but with some self torturing shit bits thrown in for good measure. I need them to fuck off! "

Same, nobody is perfect x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im numbed.

I got hurt, physically and mentaly, in love and since then I just dont feel it any more.

I assume its a defence mechanism and to be healthy something i should work through and learn to be vunerable again. But honestly its like a fear of hights, I'd rarher juat stay away from the edge than conquer it, even though it means missing out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some scars never heal and it'd a case for me personally of not letting them overwhelm the whole of me. I know they are there, but I don't let them take over my life.

How do you deal with them when they crop up? I don't think mine really crop up that often, or as often as they could, but when they do they take me by surprise and then I get really fucking angry with myself."
It took a while to assess how I had to deal with it but worked out that the scars were made by a person/event at the time and that person/event is no longer making new scars so they/or situation is no longer in my "present" giving me more pain to deal with. So yes, I can see the old scar, feel the pain from that "past" as being real. But the pain and old scars will not destroy the present and future because the person /event isn't in my waking life anymore. I have to control/manage my thoughts by thinking this, it's not easy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You know, those deep wounds left behind from people who've been in your life previously.

Or even sometimes events rather than people.

You try so hard to leave stuff in the past where it belongs, and you think you have. You're convinced you have.

How do you deal with things when those feelings are triggered again by stuff that really shouldn't matter?

You hate it. You hate the fact that events of the past still hold some power, no matter how much you don't want them to.

Do you think we hang on to some of it unintentionally? Like our brain has decided it's learned a lesson it doesn't want us to forget, for future protection?

Do you think we can be too far damaged to ever be who we were before?

Are we forever changed, and do we just need to admit there are things that we don't like about ourselves, unnecessary fears, anxieties etc, and accept they're now a slice of who we now are?

P

I'm forever changed. A combination of quite a few traumatic events. This is who I am now, that's who I was then.

My mental scars are just a series of valuable lessons that turned him into me. I wouldn't be without them, I'm wiser, more patient, more empathetic, kinder for those brutal life lessons.

Having said that.. They weren't all that hard and I'm tough as old boots

I think I'm all of the positive things too, but with some self torturing shit bits thrown in for good measure. I need them to fuck off! "
Yes, I understand what you mean,it definitely can be self torturing

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I don't know the answer P

It's infuriating and cliche but scars take time and only heal when you treat them properly x

It's the treating them that I'm not too sure how to do I think

Try and think these past events through rationally.

Were they your fault or beyond your control? If they were, you can only own it, learn from it and try to be a better person going forward..

If they weren't your fault, how did you let yourself become vulnerable? Too trusting, turned a blind eye to something you could have nipped in the bud before it became a major event? Here again, you can only learn from it and don't let it happen again. Trust your instincts.

I expect most of us carry demons to some extent. I have a few and every now and then I get them out, walk them around and re-examine them to see if I should have dealt with them differently. I think the trick is simply being able to analyse what's happened, and learn from it. No point beating yourself up over past events that you cannot now change."

I was too trusting, and also could have nipped things in the bud had I acted sooner.

I am aware it gave me trust issues, but not necessarily as you may expect.

It gave me trust issues towards my own judgement, as well as a kind of flag system in others. Anything that didn't seem right, or hurt me... I'd then cut them out of my life.

I'm trying to change that side, and learn how to trust PROPERLY again. This is gonna sound ridiculous now, and I do trust in my heart, but it feels like my brain is trying to trick me into not trusting.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Some scars never heal and it'd a case for me personally of not letting them overwhelm the whole of me. I know they are there, but I don't let them take over my life.

How do you deal with them when they crop up? I don't think mine really crop up that often, or as often as they could, but when they do they take me by surprise and then I get really fucking angry with myself.It took a while to assess how I had to deal with it but worked out that the scars were made by a person/event at the time and that person/event is no longer making new scars so they/or situation is no longer in my "present" giving me more pain to deal with. So yes, I can see the old scar, feel the pain from that "past" as being real. But the pain and old scars will not destroy the present and future because the person /event isn't in my waking life anymore. I have to control/manage my thoughts by thinking this, it's not easy. "

See I know that shit is long gone, I guess I just need to have a cry or whatever when a trigger hits me, realise it's not as bad as the all encompassing whirlwind that just hit me seems, and ride it out.

We all get emotional right?

And as long as those who love me understand it will pass, and it's a byproduct of something they had no control over all should be ok.

I don't want that cunting byproduct. Grrrr.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Im numbed.

I got hurt, physically and mentaly, in love and since then I just dont feel it any more.

I assume its a defence mechanism and to be healthy something i should work through and learn to be vunerable again. But honestly its like a fear of hights, I'd rarher juat stay away from the edge than conquer it, even though it means missing out."

I was like that.. gotta keep on keeping on though. Life is lonely when you're alone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Im numbed.

I got hurt, physically and mentaly, in love and since then I just dont feel it any more.

I assume its a defence mechanism and to be healthy something i should work through and learn to be vunerable again. But honestly its like a fear of hights, I'd rarher juat stay away from the edge than conquer it, even though it means missing out.

I was like that.. gotta keep on keeping on though. Life is lonely when you're alone."

Yeah but atm i dont think im.strong enough to do it again.

There's a certain ease in callousness

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Im numbed.

I got hurt, physically and mentaly, in love and since then I just dont feel it any more.

I assume its a defence mechanism and to be healthy something i should work through and learn to be vunerable again. But honestly its like a fear of hights, I'd rarher juat stay away from the edge than conquer it, even though it means missing out.

I was like that.. gotta keep on keeping on though. Life is lonely when you're alone.

Yeah but atm i dont think im.strong enough to do it again.

There's a certain ease in callousness "

Takes strength to admit that You'll sort it out in your own good time I expect. You're no fool.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Also, I don't want use old shit as an excuse for possible shitty behaviour on my part.

It's when it gets dissected I can determine the links, but I don't want those links, I want it gone.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Im numbed.

I got hurt, physically and mentaly, in love and since then I just dont feel it any more.

I assume its a defence mechanism and to be healthy something i should work through and learn to be vunerable again. But honestly its like a fear of hights, I'd rarher juat stay away from the edge than conquer it, even though it means missing out.

I was like that.. gotta keep on keeping on though. Life is lonely when you're alone.

Yeah but atm i dont think im.strong enough to do it again.

There's a certain ease in callousness

Takes strength to admit that You'll sort it out in your own good time I expect. You're no fool."

I can understand completely.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There’s a lot of courage in admitting vulnerability

Things, people, events ... everything leaves it’s impression, how we choose to respond is the key

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some scars never heal and it'd a case for me personally of not letting them overwhelm the whole of me. I know they are there, but I don't let them take over my life.

How do you deal with them when they crop up? I don't think mine really crop up that often, or as often as they could, but when they do they take me by surprise and then I get really fucking angry with myself.It took a while to assess how I had to deal with it but worked out that the scars were made by a person/event at the time and that person/event is no longer making new scars so they/or situation is no longer in my "present" giving me more pain to deal with. So yes, I can see the old scar, feel the pain from that "past" as being real. But the pain and old scars will not destroy the present and future because the person /event isn't in my waking life anymore. I have to control/manage my thoughts by thinking this, it's not easy.

See I know that shit is long gone, I guess I just need to have a cry or whatever when a trigger hits me, realise it's not as bad as the all encompassing whirlwind that just hit me seems, and ride it out.

We all get emotional right?

And as long as those who love me understand it will pass, and it's a byproduct of something they had no control over all should be ok.

I don't want that cunting byproduct. Grrrr."
Yeah, I have a cry and get emotional about it often, it's great that you are letting them feelings out and not keeping them in.

I just try to make sure that as quick as the thoughts come into my head, I have a cry or let them remind me, then shove them right out just as quickly, otherwise they would take over me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"There’s a lot of courage in admitting vulnerability

Things, people, events ... everything leaves it’s impression, how we choose to respond is the key"

This.

So, I need to work out HOW we stop feelings from happening. How do we make that choice?

This is the bit I simply don't understand

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Acknowledge the feelings, that makes you human and who you are

But your feelings don’t rule you x You decide what you take away from each event

I read on another forum ‘if you’re going to beat yourself up, do it with a feather and not a stick’ I thought that was brilliant.

So just that OP - be kind to yourself. Time spent beating yourself up over something in the past, that you have no control over now, is time wasted when you could ve doing something else, now, more constructive xxx

I always make myself a G n T and have a toast at my resilience at surviving an ex husband and 2 teenagers - yay me xxx

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

The thing is, life's experiences, both good and bad, shape us into the person we are today - Genghis got it right in that you can never be the person you were before those experiences, just the person you are today and that may not even be the person you are tomorrow.

It's inevitable that there will be triggers that may spark emotions and feelings that are unwelcome and the key is how you deal with them - sometimes you can brazen it out and ignore them, sometimes you just need to curl into a ball, shed a tear and wait till it passes, and there's no shame in that at all, and sometimes you just want to get angry and go howl at the moon - whatever the reaction the key is to not let it consume you completely and with the help of others and being able to recognise it for what it is, and that you are inherently a good person, that is loved and respected by many - if you can do that you know the feeling is temporary and will pass.

Celebrate the you that you are today because of what happened, and try not to mourn the you that you were before it did.

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By *hrisAndKatieCouple
over a year ago

stevenage

https://youtu.be/J9jKCn2kLcQ

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Acknowledge the feelings, that makes you human and who you are

But your feelings don’t rule you x You decide what you take away from each event

I read on another forum ‘if you’re going to beat yourself up, do it with a feather and not a stick’ I thought that was brilliant.

So just that OP - be kind to yourself. Time spent beating yourself up over something in the past, that you have no control over now, is time wasted when you could ve doing something else, now, more constructive xxx

I always make myself a G n T and have a toast at my resilience at surviving an ex husband and 2 teenagers - yay me xxx"

So even if I can take away from each "episode" that it hasn't lasted as long as the previous one, that's a win I guess.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"The thing is, life's experiences, both good and bad, shape us into the person we are today - Genghis got it right in that you can never be the person you were before those experiences, just the person you are today and that may not even be the person you are tomorrow.

It's inevitable that there will be triggers that may spark emotions and feelings that are unwelcome and the key is how you deal with them - sometimes you can brazen it out and ignore them, sometimes you just need to curl into a ball, shed a tear and wait till it passes, and there's no shame in that at all, and sometimes you just want to get angry and go howl at the moon - whatever the reaction the key is to not let it consume you completely and with the help of others and being able to recognise it for what it is, and that you are inherently a good person, that is loved and respected by many - if you can do that you know the feeling is temporary and will pass.

Celebrate the you that you are today because of what happened, and try not to mourn the you that you were before it did."

I think that's where I've been going wrong. Feeling like it's not been okay to have triggers, not been okay to get upset, after all some of the things that upset me really shouldn't be upsetting. The fact is there are triggers at times, and they can be upsetting as much as nobody wants them to be. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to not be perfectly emotionally tippity-top all the time, because in truth, everyone has things they find upsetting, everyone who's had trauma has "moments" and they aren't always a dreadful thing, they are a processing.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"The thing is, life's experiences, both good and bad, shape us into the person we are today - Genghis got it right in that you can never be the person you were before those experiences, just the person you are today and that may not even be the person you are tomorrow.

It's inevitable that there will be triggers that may spark emotions and feelings that are unwelcome and the key is how you deal with them - sometimes you can brazen it out and ignore them, sometimes you just need to curl into a ball, shed a tear and wait till it passes, and there's no shame in that at all, and sometimes you just want to get angry and go howl at the moon - whatever the reaction the key is to not let it consume you completely and with the help of others and being able to recognise it for what it is, and that you are inherently a good person, that is loved and respected by many - if you can do that you know the feeling is temporary and will pass.

Celebrate the you that you are today because of what happened, and try not to mourn the you that you were before it did.

I think that's where I've been going wrong. Feeling like it's not been okay to have triggers, not been okay to get upset, after all some of the things that upset me really shouldn't be upsetting. The fact is there are triggers at times, and they can be upsetting as much as nobody wants them to be. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to not be perfectly emotionally tippity-top all the time, because in truth, everyone has things they find upsetting, everyone who's had trauma has "moments" and they aren't always a dreadful thing, they are a processing."

Exactly that - we spend too much time being told, or worrying ourselves, about how we *should* act rather than just accepting the natural ebb and flow of life and allowing ourselves those "moments" to let it out - it's like the old pressure cooker analogy - you have to let the pressure out somehow otherwise eventually it will all explode spectacularly.

Of course there are coping mechanisms, and support networks and all those other buzzwords which are important and help get through the crap life throws up - but the worst thing you can do is sweep feelings under the carpet and hope they'll go away, eventually the carpet won't be big enough to hide them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"The thing is, life's experiences, both good and bad, shape us into the person we are today - Genghis got it right in that you can never be the person you were before those experiences, just the person you are today and that may not even be the person you are tomorrow.

It's inevitable that there will be triggers that may spark emotions and feelings that are unwelcome and the key is how you deal with them - sometimes you can brazen it out and ignore them, sometimes you just need to curl into a ball, shed a tear and wait till it passes, and there's no shame in that at all, and sometimes you just want to get angry and go howl at the moon - whatever the reaction the key is to not let it consume you completely and with the help of others and being able to recognise it for what it is, and that you are inherently a good person, that is loved and respected by many - if you can do that you know the feeling is temporary and will pass.

Celebrate the you that you are today because of what happened, and try not to mourn the you that you were before it did.

I think that's where I've been going wrong. Feeling like it's not been okay to have triggers, not been okay to get upset, after all some of the things that upset me really shouldn't be upsetting. The fact is there are triggers at times, and they can be upsetting as much as nobody wants them to be. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to not be perfectly emotionally tippity-top all the time, because in truth, everyone has things they find upsetting, everyone who's had trauma has "moments" and they aren't always a dreadful thing, they are a processing.

Exactly that - we spend too much time being told, or worrying ourselves, about how we *should* act rather than just accepting the natural ebb and flow of life and allowing ourselves those "moments" to let it out - it's like the old pressure cooker analogy - you have to let the pressure out somehow otherwise eventually it will all explode spectacularly.

Of course there are coping mechanisms, and support networks and all those other buzzwords which are important and help get through the crap life throws up - but the worst thing you can do is sweep feelings under the carpet and hope they'll go away, eventually the carpet won't be big enough to hide them."

It's a bit shit tho ain't it, that people of the now are impacted indirectly by people of the then, or events of the now are impacted by events with the now people, that you thought you'd let go of and wish you could delete from your mind.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The thing is, life's experiences, both good and bad, shape us into the person we are today - Genghis got it right in that you can never be the person you were before those experiences, just the person you are today and that may not even be the person you are tomorrow.

It's inevitable that there will be triggers that may spark emotions and feelings that are unwelcome and the key is how you deal with them - sometimes you can brazen it out and ignore them, sometimes you just need to curl into a ball, shed a tear and wait till it passes, and there's no shame in that at all, and sometimes you just want to get angry and go howl at the moon - whatever the reaction the key is to not let it consume you completely and with the help of others and being able to recognise it for what it is, and that you are inherently a good person, that is loved and respected by many - if you can do that you know the feeling is temporary and will pass.

Celebrate the you that you are today because of what happened, and try not to mourn the you that you were before it did.

I think that's where I've been going wrong. Feeling like it's not been okay to have triggers, not been okay to get upset, after all some of the things that upset me really shouldn't be upsetting. The fact is there are triggers at times, and they can be upsetting as much as nobody wants them to be. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to not be perfectly emotionally tippity-top all the time, because in truth, everyone has things they find upsetting, everyone who's had trauma has "moments" and they aren't always a dreadful thing, they are a processing.

Exactly that - we spend too much time being told, or worrying ourselves, about how we *should* act rather than just accepting the natural ebb and flow of life and allowing ourselves those "moments" to let it out - it's like the old pressure cooker analogy - you have to let the pressure out somehow otherwise eventually it will all explode spectacularly.

Of course there are coping mechanisms, and support networks and all those other buzzwords which are important and help get through the crap life throws up - but the worst thing you can do is sweep feelings under the carpet and hope they'll go away, eventually the carpet won't be big enough to hide them.

It's a bit shit tho ain't it, that people of the now are impacted indirectly by people of the then, or events of the now are impacted by events with the now people, that you thought you'd let go of and wish you could delete from your mind."

How else would we learn and Grow? You need the shit times to fully appreciate the good times. Tgats my outlook anyway.

Still feeling "Meh!" P. No biggy, next week I may be feeling "Wow!" Who knows what's around the bend?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The thing is, life's experiences, both good and bad, shape us into the person we are today - Genghis got it right in that you can never be the person you were before those experiences, just the person you are today and that may not even be the person you are tomorrow.

It's inevitable that there will be triggers that may spark emotions and feelings that are unwelcome and the key is how you deal with them - sometimes you can brazen it out and ignore them, sometimes you just need to curl into a ball, shed a tear and wait till it passes, and there's no shame in that at all, and sometimes you just want to get angry and go howl at the moon - whatever the reaction the key is to not let it consume you completely and with the help of others and being able to recognise it for what it is, and that you are inherently a good person, that is loved and respected by many - if you can do that you know the feeling is temporary and will pass.

Celebrate the you that you are today because of what happened, and try not to mourn the you that you were before it did.

I think that's where I've been going wrong. Feeling like it's not been okay to have triggers, not been okay to get upset, after all some of the things that upset me really shouldn't be upsetting. The fact is there are triggers at times, and they can be upsetting as much as nobody wants them to be. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to not be perfectly emotionally tippity-top all the time, because in truth, everyone has things they find upsetting, everyone who's had trauma has "moments" and they aren't always a dreadful thing, they are a processing.

Exactly that - we spend too much time being told, or worrying ourselves, about how we *should* act rather than just accepting the natural ebb and flow of life and allowing ourselves those "moments" to let it out - it's like the old pressure cooker analogy - you have to let the pressure out somehow otherwise eventually it will all explode spectacularly.

Of course there are coping mechanisms, and support networks and all those other buzzwords which are important and help get through the crap life throws up - but the worst thing you can do is sweep feelings under the carpet and hope they'll go away, eventually the carpet won't be big enough to hide them.

It's a bit shit tho ain't it, that people of the now are impacted indirectly by people of the then, or events of the now are impacted by events with the now people, that you thought you'd let go of and wish you could delete from your mind."

In the cold light of day, why would anyone delete knowledge?

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By *ibblingnewtWoman
over a year ago

by the sea

A love hate relationship or a love and betrayal one just takes so bloody long to get over

I’d love a eraser that could delete stuff from the gray matter and those memories could vanish for ever

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"

It's a bit shit tho ain't it, that people of the now are impacted indirectly by people of the then, or events of the now are impacted by events with the now people, that you thought you'd let go of and wish you could delete from your mind."

I know exactly what you mean by this. I see past experiences or emotional reactions to certain situations as threads. In order to understand how or why something provokes that emotional response I have to pull on that thread and follow it back to that old situation. Once I know and understand where its come from I can control and manage the 'now'.

The reactions may never go away but understanding how and why is very powerful for me, as I can then choose not to react like that.

I may never be the person that I was before but that's not a bad thing. Scars show us that we lived through it, that we're still here and that we survived to get stronger. Our scars don't have to define us, nor should they.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never hate them, your stronger, better, more resilient, more learned and more capable than you where before you met them.

They weren't a problem they were a training excercise.

But if you ever get the chance to but them off no one will judge :p

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The thing is, life's experiences, both good and bad, shape us into the person we are today - Genghis got it right in that you can never be the person you were before those experiences, just the person you are today and that may not even be the person you are tomorrow.

It's inevitable that there will be triggers that may spark emotions and feelings that are unwelcome and the key is how you deal with them - sometimes you can brazen it out and ignore them, sometimes you just need to curl into a ball, shed a tear and wait till it passes, and there's no shame in that at all, and sometimes you just want to get angry and go howl at the moon - whatever the reaction the key is to not let it consume you completely and with the help of others and being able to recognise it for what it is, and that you are inherently a good person, that is loved and respected by many - if you can do that you know the feeling is temporary and will pass.

Celebrate the you that you are today because of what happened, and try not to mourn the you that you were before it did.

I think that's where I've been going wrong. Feeling like it's not been okay to have triggers, not been okay to get upset, after all some of the things that upset me really shouldn't be upsetting. The fact is there are triggers at times, and they can be upsetting as much as nobody wants them to be. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to not be perfectly emotionally tippity-top all the time, because in truth, everyone has things they find upsetting, everyone who's had trauma has "moments" and they aren't always a dreadful thing, they are a processing.

Exactly that - we spend too much time being told, or worrying ourselves, about how we *should* act rather than just accepting the natural ebb and flow of life and allowing ourselves those "moments" to let it out - it's like the old pressure cooker analogy - you have to let the pressure out somehow otherwise eventually it will all explode spectacularly.

Of course there are coping mechanisms, and support networks and all those other buzzwords which are important and help get through the crap life throws up - but the worst thing you can do is sweep feelings under the carpet and hope they'll go away, eventually the carpet won't be big enough to hide them.

It's a bit shit tho ain't it, that people of the now are impacted indirectly by people of the then, or events of the now are impacted by events with the now people, that you thought you'd let go of and wish you could delete from your mind."

Just let yourself be an observer to these thoughts instead rather than try and rush them out your mind, just sit with them a bit without reacting .

I dont know what happens after that but maybe by just noticing they are there is enough to help dissolve them.

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

Its hard as sometimes the they hit you like a turning knife in the gut when you least expect it. I don't think these things ever leave you but in my experience things get better with time. But I hate that now and then I still think, see, hear something that triggers things. It makes me angry and frustrated and sad at the same time. I really wish it wouldn't after all this time. But I don't hide my scars, I embrace them. I proud of who I am and way I've over come some of the most darkest times in my life. My scars I wear with pride. The are evidence of my life, the battles I've overcome and a reminder of the path I'd trod to get to wear I am. They remind me how strong I am and allow me never to fear the future because what ever happens I'll come through the other side.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

How else would we learn and Grow? You need the shit times to fully appreciate the good times. Tgats my outlook anyway.

Still feeling "Meh!" P. No biggy, next week I may be feeling "Wow!" Who knows what's around the bend?"

The only way we will learn what our triggers are, is to have them triggered

The only way we will learn to deal with them is by trying when it happens?

I too think it gives us more appreciation for the good, but it can also give us unexpected, unwelcome and downright "sick to the stomach, questioning whether it's fair to other people to have them in our lives when we can be a complete fucking melt" out of the relative blue moments.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit


"

How else would we learn and Grow? You need the shit times to fully appreciate the good times. Tgats my outlook anyway.

Still feeling "Meh!" P. No biggy, next week I may be feeling "Wow!" Who knows what's around the bend?

The only way we will learn what our triggers are, is to have them triggered

The only way we will learn to deal with them is by trying when it happens?

I too think it gives us more appreciation for the good, but it can also give us unexpected, unwelcome and downright "sick to the stomach, questioning whether it's fair to other people to have them in our lives when we can be a complete fucking melt" out of the relative blue moments."

We all look at that and question whether it's fair to inflict our past on other's here and now BUT those people are in our here and now, and accept each of us for our here and now, warts and all - if they didn't they wouldn't be here - it really is as simple as that.

Sometimes self-perception can be an evil fucker

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You know, those deep wounds left behind from people who've been in your life previously.

Or even sometimes events rather than people.

You try so hard to leave stuff in the past where it belongs, and you think you have. You're convinced you have.

How do you deal with things when those feelings are triggered again by stuff that really shouldn't matter?

You hate it. You hate the fact that events of the past still hold some power, no matter how much you don't want them to.

Do you think we hang on to some of it unintentionally? Like our brain has decided it's learned a lesson it doesn't want us to forget, for future protection?

Do you think we can be too far damaged to ever be who we were before?

Are we forever changed, and do we just need to admit there are things that we don't like about ourselves, unnecessary fears, anxieties etc, and accept they're now a slice of who we now are?

P

"

Everyday I try to get over the past, those events have made me into the person I am now. I don’t always like the way I am now and how my response is to certain situations or my feelings.

As for holding onto things, no I don’t think I do, though I do think it’s not always easy to let everything go easily when I’ve been so damaged. But yes I do accept that it’s how I am now, though I work hard to not let it keep me down x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

How else would we learn and Grow? You need the shit times to fully appreciate the good times. Tgats my outlook anyway.

Still feeling "Meh!" P. No biggy, next week I may be feeling "Wow!" Who knows what's around the bend?

The only way we will learn what our triggers are, is to have them triggered

The only way we will learn to deal with them is by trying when it happens?

I too think it gives us more appreciation for the good, but it can also give us unexpected, unwelcome and downright "sick to the stomach, questioning whether it's fair to other people to have them in our lives when we can be a complete fucking melt" out of the relative blue moments."

You know us Peach and know that what you've said resonates completely with us. You cannot avoid the triggers and it would be unhealthy to try but facing them causes an unwanted filter in your mind leaving you with negative feeling flooding back. Understand those filters were placed there at a time when you needed them, when you were in self preservation. Try to recognise them and for a short time remember why they're there. Then look at what's happening now and recognise the differences. Retrain your muscle memory to accept that there is no threat to you. You will get there beaut!

Peach x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of my triggers is International/National News. I avoid it where possible. It disgusts me.

Anything to do with Iraq or Afghanistan makes me want to cry.

Moping about feeling sorry for myself that I've not had even the sniff of a partner in three years... Not long I know, but I was lonely before that. Still feel alone in terms of friendships as well, despite knowing a few people quite well.

Have to switch it off and move on.. or I'll wallow.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"One of my triggers is International/National News. I avoid it where possible. It disgusts me.

Anything to do with Iraq or Afghanistan makes me want to cry.

Moping about feeling sorry for myself that I've not had even the sniff of a partner in three years... Not long I know, but I was lonely before that. Still feel alone in terms of friendships as well, despite knowing a few people quite well.

Have to switch it off and move on.. or I'll wallow."

I have a few that I know of.

Manipulation and lies are huge ones.

There are more that I'm discovering that I can't say I'm fond of

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only read the OP but I get you Peachy

I've opened up so much about a really painful event over the past year or so. It means I'm talking about it more, but it's closer to the surface and some old symptoms, like being 'triggered' and flashbackish nightmares have come back too.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thank you to all who've commented, you've been a great help.

Admitting there are things that I may never fully heal from is quite a brutal thought, especially when I thought they were gone. They haven't, they manifest elsewhere

Hopefully given time the anxieties will lessen and become more manageable the more I understand them

Need to find how to do this whole "be kind to yourself" thing, I've never worked it out.

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