Join us FREE, we're FREE to use
Web's largest swingers site since 2006.
Already registered?
Login here
Join us FREE, we're FREE to use
Web's largest swingers site since 2006.
Already registered?
Login here
 | Back to forum list |
| Back to The Lounge |
| Jump to newest |  |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"You lovely lot seem to be a wealth of information when it comes to things like this. My mum had a bad fall last year and broke her hip, since September she hasn’t walked, she was in hospital for two months before they could do the op as she got infection after infection (hence why she isn’t walking). She went home just before Christmas and had carers coming in three times a day and my dad told them not to come back as he can do it all, she has the hospital bed, hoist the works and he is 71 and developing so many health problems, he has a constant headache (he’s seen the doctor about it but how bad he said he was I have no idea) and now has developed a lump in his groin area he is convinced is a hernia (he has had one before) but obviously he didn’t want to go and see a doctor because this means he knows he can’t look after my mum the way he insists. My sister (who lives with them and has learning difficulties along with my brother) text me today to say it must be bad as he has made an appointment to see the doctor on Wednesday. My sister used to be the kind of girl that wouldn’t lift a finger because everything had been done for her but in the months mums been unable to walk she had really made me proud my dad still thinks she can’t snd my brother isn’t any help at all. I live quite far away from them and don’t drive plus work all the hours under the sun so seeing them is a mission, my dad does kind of over dramatises things (one of those that says if I’m here this time next year etc lol) but I don’t think he would mention anything if it wasn’t bad. What I would like to know is has anyone else ever had a parent that’s stubborn when it comes to looking after their other halves (they been married over 50 years and no one can come close to looking after my mum as well as him and he hates people in the house he doesn’t know), does anyone know what kind of help I can get them both etc? I have no idea about this kind of thing, I worked in care homes but this is different when it’s your parents. He doesn’t listen to anyone of us when we tell him he needs help and can see him literally collapsing one day and taking my mum with him. Thanks for reading and I hope someone has something I can look into so I can try and help the pair of them. Mum says she wants to walk and has tried to stand but I think she needs the right proper care that are trained in this time of thing instead of us standing there trying to encourage her. Thanks again x" I've a relative who is very stubborn. Would be happier in assisted living, but refuses to contemplate the idea. Breaks down into tears to avoid talking about it. I think it's got to the point that if they had to move, it'd kill them. They live alone though. So can make that choice. You have your mother and sister to think of. I've worked as both a care assistant and activities coordinator in a nursing home run by a well known, international, private medical company.. My advice would be to avoid that four letter company. If you have to put a family member in a nursing home. Visit regularly as it's a very lonely place for the residents. I was one of three activity staff that had 25hrs a week set aside for 140 Residents. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Yes I’ve had experience along these lines. It’s very difficult as it’s almost the parent becoming the child and the children start doing the parenting (if that makes sense). Your Dad doesn’t want to relinquish control and will probably dig his heels in even more if he’s coerced. However your mum needs help, the appointment this week might be the spring board that’s needed to get the ball rolling. I’m thinking along lines of an OT, physio to help with the standing and possible community nursing to make sure she isn’t getting bed sores if she isn’t mobile. I know it sounds madness but the latter can be really debilitating and painful and that alone should be mentioned to your Dad. Hope that helps a little. " I concur. It was really hard to get my Dad to accept that we couldn't provide the level of care Mum needed on our own and I couldn't get him to go out to any of the respite activities. Talk to Carers UK and get some advice on how to get him on board with allowing the help in so that everyone does better. The situation isn't going to get better but it could get a lot worse without some help. Prepare for the backlash that you are interfering when you're not there to help directly. Get Powers of Attorney for both parents; it sounds like your siblings are not in a position to take this on. It's better to do it now, while they can consent and be involved than waiting until you need to get the Court of Protection involved. Good luck. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Hello, I recognise a lot of what you say. It sounds to me as if your mum needs physio. They will come to the house, her social worker can arrange it. Do they get the appropriate benefits? There are various agencies who will complete the forms with them, Age UK can help there. Do they have Lifeline? The thing is they are used to being in charge of their life and will want to continue that way and to an extent you will have to stand back and wait until it becomes clear to them that they can't manage. You're too far away to step in (which is what I've had to do many times)and shouldn't feel responsible. If you want to ask me any questions please do, my parents are in their 90s and stubborn doesn't come in to it ." As far as I’m aware they don’t get any help with money, my dad has always been a proud man and would never ‘lower’ himself to even find out, they don’t have a lifeline or anything like that either, if my dad falls over in pain my mum had access to her phone but if it is while he is hoisting her then unless my siblings are at home (I dread to think what will happen if that happens my sister will just scream in fright) they wouldn’t be found for hours. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Hello, I recognise a lot of what you say. It sounds to me as if your mum needs physio. They will come to the house, her social worker can arrange it. Do they get the appropriate benefits? There are various agencies who will complete the forms with them, Age UK can help there. Do they have Lifeline? The thing is they are used to being in charge of their life and will want to continue that way and to an extent you will have to stand back and wait until it becomes clear to them that they can't manage. You're too far away to step in (which is what I've had to do many times)and shouldn't feel responsible. If you want to ask me any questions please do, my parents are in their 90s and stubborn doesn't come in to it . As far as I’m aware they don’t get any help with money, my dad has always been a proud man and would never ‘lower’ himself to even find out, they don’t have a lifeline or anything like that either, if my dad falls over in pain my mum had access to her phone but if it is while he is hoisting her then unless my siblings are at home (I dread to think what will happen if that happens my sister will just scream in fright) they wouldn’t be found for hours. " Then they both need the one that knows they are on the floor. Immediately. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Hello, I recognise a lot of what you say. It sounds to me as if your mum needs physio. They will come to the house, her social worker can arrange it. Do they get the appropriate benefits? There are various agencies who will complete the forms with them, Age UK can help there. Do they have Lifeline? The thing is they are used to being in charge of their life and will want to continue that way and to an extent you will have to stand back and wait until it becomes clear to them that they can't manage. You're too far away to step in (which is what I've had to do many times)and shouldn't feel responsible. If you want to ask me any questions please do, my parents are in their 90s and stubborn doesn't come in to it . As far as I’m aware they don’t get any help with money, my dad has always been a proud man and would never ‘lower’ himself to even find out, they don’t have a lifeline or anything like that either, if my dad falls over in pain my mum had access to her phone but if it is while he is hoisting her then unless my siblings are at home (I dread to think what will happen if that happens my sister will just scream in fright) they wouldn’t be found for hours. " Your dad is relatively young at 71 and it's easy at only 9 years younger than him to understand why he wouldn't welcome help. Could you talk to him in terms of what's best for your mum? She would recover her mobility much more quickly with professional help. Does he carry out all her personal care? His gp won't talk to you about his health but you you could raise your concerns with him or her. I explained to my dad that he had worked from the age of 14 to 75 and any help that he was entitled to was actually coming from funds he had contributed to. After all he wouldn't pay car insurance then not claim if he had an accident. Have they got mobiles? Does your sister know to phone for an ambulance if anything goes wrong? | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Hello, I recognise a lot of what you say. It sounds to me as if your mum needs physio. They will come to the house, her social worker can arrange it. Do they get the appropriate benefits? There are various agencies who will complete the forms with them, Age UK can help there. Do they have Lifeline? The thing is they are used to being in charge of their life and will want to continue that way and to an extent you will have to stand back and wait until it becomes clear to them that they can't manage. You're too far away to step in (which is what I've had to do many times)and shouldn't feel responsible. If you want to ask me any questions please do, my parents are in their 90s and stubborn doesn't come in to it . As far as I’m aware they don’t get any help with money, my dad has always been a proud man and would never ‘lower’ himself to even find out, they don’t have a lifeline or anything like that either, if my dad falls over in pain my mum had access to her phone but if it is while he is hoisting her then unless my siblings are at home (I dread to think what will happen if that happens my sister will just scream in fright) they wouldn’t be found for hours. Your dad is relatively young at 71 and it's easy at only 9 years younger than him to understand why he wouldn't welcome help. Could you talk to him in terms of what's best for your mum? She would recover her mobility much more quickly with professional help. Does he carry out all her personal care? His gp won't talk to you about his health but you you could raise your concerns with him or her. I explained to my dad that he had worked from the age of 14 to 75 and any help that he was entitled to was actually coming from funds he had contributed to. After all he wouldn't pay car insurance then not claim if he had an accident. Have they got mobiles? Does your sister know to phone for an ambulance if anything goes wrong? " I’ve explained to her what to do if she needs any kind of help, she didn’t have a clue bless her. They both have mobile phones. He does literally everything for her, he does way to much like cutting her food up etc to even putting her pills in her pot to her mouth, he treats her like she had lost the ability to use her arms, this is what I have to go on lol. I tried talking to him about her care a little while ago but he wouldn’t hear of any help at all, even my aunt (his sister) was coming down weekly so she could care for my mum while he went off and had a bit of rest (building stuff and not resting!) but the care she gave my mum wasn’t up to his standard so even knocked that on the head, it’s like we are banging our heads against a brick wall and I am really frightened the only way for anything to change is something bad to happen first x | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Yes I’ve had experience along these lines. It’s very difficult as it’s almost the parent becoming the child and the children start doing the parenting (if that makes sense). Your Dad doesn’t want to relinquish control and will probably dig his heels in even more if he’s coerced. However your mum needs help, the appointment this week might be the spring board that’s needed to get the ball rolling. I’m thinking along lines of an OT, physio to help with the standing and possible community nursing to make sure she isn’t getting bed sores if she isn’t mobile. I know it sounds madness but the latter can be really debilitating and painful and that alone should be mentioned to your Dad. Hope that helps a little. " I agree with this. Not easy. I look after my very elderly mother. It's almost impossible to change her mind about things! The most difficult thing is getting their mobility back. Definitely needs some good physio and OT support. Good luck! | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"Hello, I recognise a lot of what you say. It sounds to me as if your mum needs physio. They will come to the house, her social worker can arrange it. Do they get the appropriate benefits? There are various agencies who will complete the forms with them, Age UK can help there. Do they have Lifeline? The thing is they are used to being in charge of their life and will want to continue that way and to an extent you will have to stand back and wait until it becomes clear to them that they can't manage. You're too far away to step in (which is what I've had to do many times)and shouldn't feel responsible. If you want to ask me any questions please do, my parents are in their 90s and stubborn doesn't come in to it . As far as I’m aware they don’t get any help with money, my dad has always been a proud man and would never ‘lower’ himself to even find out, they don’t have a lifeline or anything like that either, if my dad falls over in pain my mum had access to her phone but if it is while he is hoisting her then unless my siblings are at home (I dread to think what will happen if that happens my sister will just scream in fright) they wouldn’t be found for hours. Your dad is relatively young at 71 and it's easy at only 9 years younger than him to understand why he wouldn't welcome help. Could you talk to him in terms of what's best for your mum? She would recover her mobility much more quickly with professional help. Does he carry out all her personal care? His gp won't talk to you about his health but you you could raise your concerns with him or her. I explained to my dad that he had worked from the age of 14 to 75 and any help that he was entitled to was actually coming from funds he had contributed to. After all he wouldn't pay car insurance then not claim if he had an accident. Have they got mobiles? Does your sister know to phone for an ambulance if anything goes wrong? I’ve explained to her what to do if she needs any kind of help, she didn’t have a clue bless her. They both have mobile phones. He does literally everything for her, he does way to much like cutting her food up etc to even putting her pills in her pot to her mouth, he treats her like she had lost the ability to use her arms, this is what I have to go on lol. I tried talking to him about her care a little while ago but he wouldn’t hear of any help at all, even my aunt (his sister) was coming down weekly so she could care for my mum while he went off and had a bit of rest (building stuff and not resting!) but the care she gave my mum wasn’t up to his standard so even knocked that on the head, it’s like we are banging our heads against a brick wall and I am really frightened the only way for anything to change is something bad to happen first x" It's hard standing back and watching but as sirolov says you may have to do that. I don't know your parents dynamic obviously but his care sounds a bit excessive. Is he afraid of what might happen to her if he doesn't do everything for her. He wants to maintain his independence but seems to be taking your mum's away from her from the best of intentions. Also it's very easy to become institutionalised after a long hospital stay and lose confidence in your ability to do things your mum might need some gentle encouragement to be a bit more proactive. We spend hours worrying about my parents. My mum broke her back 9 years ago and made my dad take her to the chemist to see if he could give her anything   rather than call an ambulance. I have many more tales like that. Eventually you have to accept that your parents have autonomy and are responsible for their actions and there's not an awful lot you can do. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I forgot to mention If your parents are unable to take care of your sister and brother moving forward then they will both be moved into an assisted living complex for adults with learning difficulties. That will be another hard pill for dad to swallow but as you say it has to be addressed before he totally collapses and is burnt out and no use to anybody least of all himself. Maybe you should start looking also at what is to happen with your siblings too this will be addressed by the adult access team do you need to be there when they visit, because if dad says he can cope they will walk away and let him cope. " Yes. I'm always present when any kind of discussion is taking place about my parents care, they will both claim they can manage despite clear evidence that they can't. | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I forgot to mention If your parents are unable to take care of your sister and brother moving forward then they will both be moved into an assisted living complex for adults with learning difficulties. That will be another hard pill for dad to swallow but as you say it has to be addressed before he totally collapses and is burnt out and no use to anybody least of all himself. Maybe you should start looking also at what is to happen with your siblings too this will be addressed by the adult access team do you need to be there when they visit, because if dad says he can cope they will walk away and let him cope. " My siblings can look after themselves, my brother is always out and about, he is more than capable of looking after himself and my sister bless her heart has turned into a right little mum, she wants to help my dad with most of mums care (she’s 74 btw) but he thinks she isn’t capable (for example he thinks she would drop a baby, his face was a picture when she managed to hold my sons and they were fine many moons ago) so I’m not worried that they aren’t being looked after, she cooks and does the washing etc so that’s been a huge help. I think my mum could do a bit more, even sitting down, he puts her in her wheelchair and could even wash herself but he really treats her like a child and she lets him! My grandad (his dad) has a stroke almost 30 years ago now and was like a toddler and couldn’t do a thing for himself, I think my dad looks at her that way and adopted the way his sister looked after their dad but it’s completely different. I feel so helpless when he is the cog in all this that stops any progress with my mums mobility (he tries but not the right way) and doing too much, I’m going to get some time off work I think and go down for a few days x | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
"I am in a remarkably similar situation with my parents and my situation is the same as yours. Just wanted to say I hope you find the help they need and wish you and your family all the very best. Hugs xxx " You too xx | |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| |||
| Reply privately | Reply in forum | Reply +quote |
| Post new Message to Thread |
| back to top |  |
