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An Appeal...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with it's epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals

Tins of baked beans

Ice cream

Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,

"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with it's epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals

Tins of baked beans

Ice cream

Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,

"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway."

Oi I resemble that remark

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *ucky_LadsCouple (MM)
over a year ago

Kidderminster+ surrounding areas.

captain cash hass guaranteed you 22p for filling in the first compo claim!.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

PMSL... to the point of heart failure..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" "

stop encouraging him Im well pissed off I slept through it all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And whats more he left off white stilettos and matching handbags off the list

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"And whats more he left off white stilettos and matching handbags off the list "

Yeah, thats cos it was in Basildon, not Chelmsford

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brilliant. Made me smile antway.

Poor Bastards!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"And whats more he left off white stilettos and matching handbags off the list

Yeah, thats cos it was in Basildon, not Chelmsford "

but they standard issue for any essex bird

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Quality!! Laffin me fookin socks off!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

oo how can i help ???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can our illegitimate (and slightly fabricated) children Chardonnay and Stella help.

They say they'll do a sponsored twokking to raise funds.

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By *aceytopWoman
over a year ago

from a town near you

soon as i pick myself up off the floor and stop laughing,food parcel on the way

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

£5.00 for a pack of B&H + a lighter where an earth are they buying there fags from?! They havnt been that cheap for years and i dont smoke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"oo how can i help ??? "

Im not an essex bird just landed here but you can help me anyway you want

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