FabSwingers.com forum: How did you cope with losing a parent?

By *UNCHBOX OP Man
over a year ago

folkestone

I lost my mum to cancer 16 months and I keep getting told once the first anniversary is over, it gets easier. If you lost a parent, how did you cope once you go past the first anniversary?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

U dont. I lost my dad 5years ago the pain aint as bad but we now do possitive things around his passing and birthday. To remember .. its hard but do talk to ur friends / partner.

Have a hug from me xx

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By *verage JosephMan
over a year ago

Grays & London

I still have struggle days/moments & it’s been 9yrs.

Time doesn’t heal, you just learn how to cope better.

Sorry for you loss x

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

My Mam died 2 days before ma 7th birthday aged 39, then I spent 10 years at boarding school, ma Dad died when I was 21 aged 70. I'm an only child and have learned how to cope with life on my own

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

"I still have struggle days/moments & it’s been 9yrs.

Time doesn’t heal, you just learn how to cope better.

Sorry for you loss x"

Exactly this.

It takes as long as it takes in your head, not according to a calendar. To help things along, try and notice that it’s easier to cope now than it was 6 months ago. Still not easy, but a tiny bit easier.

You’re already on that journey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my dad suddenly last may, its nearly his 1st anniversary which i am dreading, to be honest im just plodding along taking each day at a time some days are better than others some days are great some days are bad.. sorry for your loss OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my mum 3yrs ago, I still cry , I try to smile, i still get angry, I just go with whatever emotions I am feeling, none are wrong. You just have to be gentle with yourself...

I don’t think you ever get over it, you just learn to live with a mam shaped hole in your heart.

Take care

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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago

Near Marlborough

My mum died over 15 years ago and the raw hurt has faded. But I am still angry at her for dying when she could have done something to change her life. Having my own daughter made that worse because I know I’d do anything to have as much time with her as possible so I will never understand why she didn’t fight to stay well.

Ultimately. It’s the way of our world. We bury our parents. It’s the”right” way. But my mum was only 52 when she died. I really still don’t forgive her for missing out on so much of mine and my siblings’ lives.

So like “getting over” the sadness of someone we love dying. I know I have to let the anger go as well. Those we love stay with us a long time after they have died, and one day you find yourself smiling at a memory rather than crying.

Feel better soon

V x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I lost my dad suddenly last may, its nearly his 1st anniversary which i am dreading, to be honest im just plodding along taking each day at a time some days are better than others some days are great some days are bad.. sorry for your loss OP

Go do somthing positive .. we've done this for the last 4 years we always have a toast to dad at dinner but it a possitive day. Xx hug sent

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I turned to alcohol. Wasn't the best idea

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

Going back to my previous post, it would have been nice to have actually got to know my Mum, she had a twin sister who lived in Hull, but that wasn't the same though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 23 years ago, my Mum 2 years.

I am still struggling tbh.

Learning to live with it slowly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's different for everyone. There's no right or wrong way of dealing with grief you just have to do it your way.

Just don't let it ruin your life, that is not what your loved one would want for you.

Remember them but don't mourn them forever.

I hope things get better for you op

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By *tella HeelsTV/TS
over a year ago

west here ford shire

My dad died suddenly from an embolism

It was a really tough time, I was the only one of my siblings living close to home, the grief my mum went through was horrendous, I had to be strong for her, then when my elder siblings arrived I found my inner strength helped all of them through too, grieving for me was a private affair.

But I missed him for years after

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you lose your parents it is never the same. Accept that and you will cope better. Remember the theory that seeing your parents die is the natural order of things. Parents seeing their children die is not how it should be. It happens but is not the desired outcome of the progression of life.

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

We haven't we both lost our mums four years ago.

I just live one day to the next.

Someday are better than others

Big hugs op

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my mum last November and dad 8 years ago ... thankfully we were brought up understanding that everyone dies, they were both old, had good lives so it's not sad but a celebration of life!

I have done the same with my kids ... we plan our own funerals and talk and laugh about it all!

Such an easier way to be!

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By *ickie dave 69Couple
over a year ago

leeds

It is different for every one personally speaking the first year is the worst it's raw loads of emotions sadness anger ect ect it leaves a big hole my mum was only 58 although it's now 27 years ago some times it seems like yesterday when you hear a certain song on radio since then I lost my son to a fatal car crash now that's another story dealing with grief the police coroners court that's one phone call no parent wants

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By *oxyvixen99Woman
over a year ago

Newtownabbey

My mum died 22 years ago and I'm still not over it. Some days its like it just happened yesterday. Others I'm able to smile and laugh about memories we had together. It devastated my whole life and still does. Talk to friends/family and take time to grieve as and when you need too xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doughnuts aunt lost her son two and a half years ago and she is no where near any stage ‘of getting over it’, she never ever will be. No one should tell you how long you should be grieving for, I don’t know you but I’m here for anyone that needs a chat xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I didn't. 7 years ago in 2 weeks it happened.

It sent me into a massive downward spiral, anxiety depression, suicidal tendencies.

I have however just come off meds, 2 months med free now and feel good.

As for my mum, I still think about her every day but never stops hurting.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I lost my mum to cancer 16 months and I keep getting told once the first anniversary is over, it gets easier. If you lost a parent, how did you cope once you go past the first anniversary?"

I didn't. 15 months after Mum died my Dad died.

Antidepressants helped, I still cry, miss them, I still have my empty black stone in my chest but now it doesn't feel as urgent as it did.

Don't put pressure on yourself to get over it. Personally I don't think I will ever get over it, just learn to live with the fact they've died, and learn to live without them. That's the difficult part for me.

It's your grief, your way and in your time.

Be kind to yourself and take care.

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By *inxybWoman
over a year ago

Durham

Losing loved ones and the way in which we grieve is all very different and very personal. There is no right or wrong way to do things or timescales which make things any easier, all you can do is to do what is right for you and to feel how you feel.

In the past four years I have lost my Dad, Mam, brother and my husband...learning to accept that I have a ‘different kind of normal’ life to live without those people who I loved so much has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. No two days are ever the same and the smallest thing can trigger a whole downpour of emotion, but for me, this is normal.

It is the fourth anniversary for my Dad next week and I plan to go to where his ashes are scattered with a flask of coffee and his favourite cake and spend some time there celebrating happy memories and having a cuppa with him.

Sending you caring thoughts OP, take each day or each moment as it comes and seek comfort in celebrating happy memories when you can, xx

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

It's 4yrs on Monday since I buried my dad.

I spent my birthday that year, at the undertakers, getting him ready.

How do you get past that grief? You don't.

I sometimes forget he's no longer here, I see something and my first thought is I'll take a pic & send it to my dad, then it hits me.

I goto places, somewhere we went together & sit and cry my eyes out.

Special dates, are the worst of days, I feel like I'm dying inside.

I do try to focus on the good memories

Remember the happy times, the things we did together,the things he taught me, the life he gave me.

I planted his favourite roses in my garden, smile when they bloom knowing he'd smile too.

I wear his wedding ring & chain.

I look at his photo everyday, tell him what I've done, my plans, my hopes, my fears.

It gets easier, but the grief, never ever leaves.

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By *inkysexpotMan
over a year ago

leeds

Lost my dad 18 years ago and it doesn't get easier as such, you just learn to deal with it better each time a big anniversary comes up, you find yourself thinking more about the good times.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I lost my mum to cancer 16 months and I keep getting told once the first anniversary is over, it gets easier. If you lost a parent, how did you cope once you go past the first anniversary?"

It's a tough one because we're all different but moving on takes us on a guilt trip to where we think we should be going.

I reckon at least 2 anniversaries though. It's been 21 years for me and I can go months without casting a thought in that direction yet something can happen or be said and I'll well up and go all croaky throated.

As ever, it's all about being grateful for what you had and never about what you no longer have. Nobody has a right to any thing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Both of my parents died within two and a half years of each other, i was in my 20's at the time and with no siblings i had to grow up very quickly and face the big wide world alone. There are no rules for mourning, you go at your own pace and remember them in whatever way is best for you. Yes it does get easier over time but it never goes away. Theres always going to be little reminders that knock you back a bit. Its 16 years next month my dad went and its still on my mind. Dont beat yourself up for not getting over it.

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

I lost my dad three years ago this week, he was only 58

time numbs the pain but there are endless triggers that will throw you back to that raw pain. Hearing music he liked, films he liked being on TV or new films in the cinema that he would have wanted to see, achievements or activities in my own life that I would have chatted with him about, seeing things in the shops he would have wanted for Christmas/Birthdays, certain smells that remind me of his workshop etc. All just painful reminders that he's not here anymore.

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By *ark ph0enixWoman
over a year ago

Teesside

"I lost my mum to cancer 16 months and I keep getting told once the first anniversary is over, it gets easier. If you lost a parent, how did you cope once you go past the first anniversary?"

Personally I still struggle at times. Not quite as often but often enough. I lost mum 23rd of December. Her birthday was the day before mine in November. So from mid Nov to after the new year it's a very dark time for me. I try my best to stay positive, especially for the rest of the family but in 2yr it hasn't eased up that much yet. I've no idea if or when it will. Random things set me off. I've recently moved back to my home town so have now been presented with a whole new set of memories of her popping up as I reaquaint myself with the area. It sucks.

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By *arlo82Couple
over a year ago

the gym and random places

I don't think you do. I lost my mum to cancer Jan 2018 so probably similar time to you .

Some days are remembered with fondness others I barely make it out of bed and spend my time crying in silence or myself to sleep.

When good things happen it's hard cos in reality no one gives a shit like your mum does. Similarly anything bad....

Surround yourself with people whose best interests are about you OP. Always at other end of a screen if you need someone to chat to

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By *ollycouple71Couple
over a year ago

manchester

I was 18 when I lost my mam she was 42 I still miss her everyday x

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

I can't remember how I coped mentally OP, I was very young when I lost my mum. I comfort ate which I wouldn't recommend! Other family members didn't support me like I feel they should of so I never spoke about it. When I lost my dad 9 years later I moved away with my bf, again I didn't talk about it, didn't have to mention it because no one knew my story.

Looking back I think it would of been better for me to talk about it with friends, family maybe even a professional. But as others have said everyone is different and you will find your way x

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By *eriousGuyABCMan
over a year ago

( WEST OF ) Chippenham ish

Lost my mum 14yrs ago and while it was a wrench she had 76 yrs of life and I had her for 39 of those, but still miss her.

My dad on the other hand died of cancer with only 6 weeks notice when I was 8 yrs old. This loss still makes me cry today / now even though I'm supposed to be an adult at 53.

You just learn to live your life as best you can !

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

You dont cope. It just gets slightly less depressing over time

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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own

"I lost my mum to cancer 16 months and I keep getting told once the first anniversary is over, it gets easier. If you lost a parent, how did you cope once you go past the first anniversary?"

Ironic that you should post this, my dad passed away 13 years ago today.

It gets easier, a little. I still miss him like fucking crazy and there are the odd moments when I miss him even more. Not just "special" days etc, mostly it's completely out of the blue.

Talk to friends and family op, remember her and the good/funny times. It helps, a little.

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By * Lexi xWoman
over a year ago

stockport

I will never get over loosing my dad feb 2018. I struggle every day.

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By *eriousGuyABCMan
over a year ago

( WEST OF ) Chippenham ish

"I lost my dad three years ago this week, he was only 58

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I will never get over loosing my dad feb 2018. I struggle every day. "

I lost my mum Feb 2018 and feel very much the same as you. What a shit month

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By *eriousGuyABCMan
over a year ago

( WEST OF ) Chippenham ish

I don't think anyone who hasn't lost their parents, esp at a young age can truly understand how it can affect the rest of your life !!!

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By *ickygirl41Woman
over a year ago

Glasgow

"I lost my mum to cancer 16 months and I keep getting told once the first anniversary is over, it gets easier. If you lost a parent, how did you cope once you go past the first anniversary?"

It does get easier the pain is till there but you just get used to it imo.

I lost two just a couple of weeks apart unexpectedly and it ripped me apart.

Self care OP

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By *UNCHBOX OP Man
over a year ago

folkestone

Thanks for the replies. I think I've struggled because most of my friends are male and pretty useless at any sort of emotional discussion, so they have rather left me to my own devices, maybe not knowing what to say as I'm the first of my friends to lose a parent. Ive done a few things for a cancer charity to raise money so that has helped do something positive out of mum's loss.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my dad 14 years ago and my mum 18months ago. Both were sudden and I got told via a phone call.

When I found out about my mum my whole world crashed down as I was already going though issues at that time. It doesn't get easier but gets more manageable to deal with most of the time. There is a brilliant analagy called grief as a ball in a box. It really sums up grief well

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

I have just passed the first anniversary of losing my dad, he had been in hospital for just over 3 months, the day my dad died I had just arrived at my partners mothers house, I was collecting her and his sister so we could visit him at the funeral parlour for the last time, so I have just had my first year of birthdays, Christmas, Fathers Day without my partner or my father, it has been quite a year

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