FabSwingers.com forum: Funniest lines from films,tv,books.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Vot is your name"

"don't tell him Pike".

Dad's Army

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Manuel will show you to your room- if you're lucky. Fawlty Towers

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By *ink Panther 123Man
over a year ago

Colnbrook

"Say Hello To My Little Friend"'

Big fuck off gun in Scarface

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

to join the peoples Front of Judea you have to really hate the Roman's .

Brian "I do".

"how much"?.

"a lot".

"Right, you're in".

Life of Brian

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

bloody Greeks -they invented gayness.

Father Ted

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My names Jeff......22 jump street

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By *ink Panther 123Man
over a year ago

Colnbrook

"Play it nice and cool Trig"

As Del Boy falls into the bar

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

just before they went into warp I beamed the whole kit and kaboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all.

Scotty

Star Trek

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

from It Ain't Half Hot Mum gunner Evans "my dad thinks I'm good-looking.

gunner McIntosh"

drinks a lot does he"?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can I get you anything else?

Fork handles

Four candles...

You know the rest lol brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Triggers broom, perfect

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Del: 40......... 40, you're not being serious are ya.

Rodney: What's wrong with going out with a women of 40.

Del: Nothing, nothing at all if you happen to be 50! blimey she's even too old for me.

Grandad: Well, I'd have to think twice.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

(It Ain't Half Hot Mum.)

Lofty "I got captured by tribesmen".

Bombardier Solomon." Blimey did they give you a hard time"?

Lofty" No they gave me a carpet"!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"oh dear how sad never mind"

BSM Williams. It Ain't Half Hot Mum

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whatever takes the focus off your face...

From liar liar

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place and some said even the trees had been a bad move and that no one should even have left the oceans!

hitchhiker's guide

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

True friends stab you in the front !

Oscar Wilde

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

how can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being!

Oscar Wilde

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

what does God need with a Starship!

captain James T Kirk

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By *heSofaDestroyersCouple
over a year ago

HereAndThere

It’s got to be

“Hey you guys “

Sloth is the man

Or the love scene in empire strikes back!

When Leah tell Han “I love you “ and he replied “I know “

Could have been worse rumours was he was to say he was flattered!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy.

Peter Griffin "I'll handle it Louis, I read a book about this sort of thing once".

Brian Griffin:

" are you sure it was a book- are you sure it wasn't nothing"!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Del - " Brace yourself Rodney" ...Chandelier crashes to the floor. Priceless.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The Simpsons fairground worker to Homer

" You're banned from this fairground, and your children, and your children's children and your children's children's children -for 2 weeks!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Peter Griffin from Family Guy

" I can be just as non-competitive as anybody matter of fact I'm the most non competitive- so I win

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

some cause happiness wherever they go,others whenever they go!

Oscar Wilde

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

""Play it nice and cool Trig"

As Del Boy falls into the bar "

Must be one of the best comedy scenes ever

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

hitchhiker's guide,

Arthur

"I really wished I listened to what my mother told me when I was younger".

" why what did she tell you?"

"I don't know I didn't listen"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy Peter Griffin

"hey you know that old woman who lived in a shoe she had so many children she didn't know what to do..

I got something she could do - get your tubes tied

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I had such a crush on her- until I met you Lois- you're my silver medal!

Peter Griffin Family Guy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anything from deadpool

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm so embarrassed I wish everyone else was dead.

Bender-Futurama

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad!

Bender- Futurama

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

9-year old boy: "Cream (with your coffee)?"

9-year old girl: "No thank you. I take it black - like my men"

9-yeae old boy:

~Airplane!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

never before have I seen such a blatant display of pooffery!

BSM Williams It Ain't Half Hot Mum

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There's no cure for being a c*nt"

(Bron to Tyrion regarding Joffrey in GoT)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bethany:what's he like?

Metatron:what god?lonely,but funny.He's got a great sense of homour.Take sex for example.There's nothing funnier than the faces you people make mid coitous.

Bethany:sex is a joke in heaven?

Metatron:The way i understand it,it's mostly a joke down here too.

Dogma

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What does your lipstick taste of?"

Hilda- "Woman Stanley, Woman"

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By *ibbyhunterCouple
over a year ago

keighley

The difference between love and sex? sex relieves tension; love causes it. Annie Hall.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

don't call him Shirley

airplane!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The difference between love and sex? sex relieves tension; love causes it. Annie Hall."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Life of Brian

Stan "it's every man's right to have babies if he wants them"

Reg "you can't HAVE babies"! Stan "don't you oppress me"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Christmas - over?"

"Yes Moose"

"awww"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Peter Griffin Family Guy.

"can you tell me about the tanks features?"

Car salesman" what a good-looking question"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

a common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

hitchhiker's guide

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Terry wogan's radio show.

"That was ABBA, I used to fancy the blonde one, now, what was his name"

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"Alot better before you opened your trap"

"Does he know where it is"

Just a couple of gems from a jam packed underrated hilarious THE DISH

https://youtu.be/e2wrEI7DRkk

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Most lines from Spinal Tap..."This goes up to 11".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy.

"were here we're queer get used to it". Lois( i think).

"You do this parade every year- we are used to it!"

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By *J RHEAMan
over a year ago

S West

Early Futurama and Simpsons are brilliant

Game On

Red Dwarf

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Futurama bender at The Emporium at the end of the universe."How much are those priceless jewels ?"

Sorry we couldn't possibly sell those they are way too expensive".

*Bender looks sad then cheers up and says

"OK how much are those burglars tools and what time do you close"

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

God Moaning, The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum. They are going to ex-plod the whaleway brodge.

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

If you aren't crying with laughter after watching these two, check your pulse!! This Morning bloopers

https://youtu.be/p32tjdxWb-s

https://youtu.be/hgPw2Ch0T84

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington

Fuck you fuck you and fuck you who’s next please

the barber shop in coming to America Eddie Murphy at his best

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By *lucard5Man
over a year ago

kerry capital

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"They're going to nail him up".

"Right, this calls for immediate discussion!"

Life of Brian

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It is a well-known fact that those people who want most to rule people are ipso facto those least

suited to do it.

To summarise the summary, anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do it.

Hitchhiker's guide

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everybody's dead dave

What rimmer

Everybody's dead dave

What selby

Everybody is dead dave

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I say the whole world most learn of our peaceful ways... by force.

Bender..Futurama.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy.

Lois."sweetie it's broccoli it's good for you

now open up for the aeroplane".

Stewie." Never, damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Harold:"

I'm afraid our paths have now grown too diverse for any possibility of a reconciliacion and not to put too fine a point on it dad, your very presence tends to impinge upon my aesthetic moments ,my little bit of relaxation".

Albert:

"In other words I get on your tits"!

Steptoe and Son.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have three kids and no money, why can't I have no kids and 3 money!

Homer Simpson

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My ex-girlfriend had this really weird fetish, she used to like to dress up like herself and act like a f****** bitch all the time .

Bo Burnham.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm on a whiskey diet.. I've lost 3 days already!

Tommy Cooper

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

some people can read war and peace and come away thinking it is a simple adventure story,

others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the Universe .

Lex Luthor

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Red Dwarf.

I am Holly the ships computer with an IQ of 6000 ,

the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Fawlty Towers

Basil:

"Is something wrong?"

German guest:

"will you please stop talking about the war".

Bazil:

" ME, you started it"

German guest:"

we did not"

Basil:

"yes you did you invaded Poland"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Red Dwarf

Kryton:" the poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.

Rimmer :"but who would do that."

Lister: " someone who badly needed a pen".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Rising Damp Rigsby about his cat Vienna:

" that cat's a conservative.. at least he is during the day"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Rising Damp, Alan to Rigsby

"have you ever seen a vampire?"

Rigsby:" get down the tax office"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy.

Brian:" if my memory serves me this is the physics department"

Chris:" that would explain all the gravity"!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy .

Peter :"Brian ,there's a message in my Alphabetti Spaghetti it says 0000 ".

Brian:"those are Cheerios"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

“Weeleese woddewick”

Life of Brian

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

In the Book of Life the answers aren't in the back.

Peanuts.. Charlie Brown

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

life has no remote get up and change it yourself.

Snoopy

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy, a young Peter:

" Why did all the dinosaurs die out?"

Catholic teacher;" because you touch yourself at night"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He's not coming out .. he's a very naughty boy ..

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

I saw one of those old white fivers the other day

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Dinnerladies.

Sheila:" I've got high blood pressure and water retention do you know what that gives you?"

Bren;" Boiling water?"

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By *ink Panther 123Man
over a year ago

Colnbrook

"Does your dog bite"? He strokes the dog and the dog bites him

"You said the dog doesn't bite"

Answers

"It's not my dog" lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Dinnerladies.

Dolly:

"didn't they teach you anything at school?"

Twinkle:"how to put a condom on a cucumber".

Dolly:" honestly what's the point in that?"

Bren

"be fair Dolly, there's not many cucumbers that could manage it for themselves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Manuel i know nothing i'm from Barcelona

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Absolutely Fabulous.

Eddy;" in this body there is a thin person dying to get out"

Gran;" just the one dear" !

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Absolutely Fabulous.

Eddie:" we'll go on public transport Pats"

Patsy;" are you mad, I've got nothing to wear on public transport"

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By *tingly ByronMan
over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

Julie Walters- Two Soups

You're welcome......

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

" Edward Elizabeth Hitler "

Bottom

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Carry on Emmannuelle.

Emil prevert;" why me you could have Tom dick or Harry?

"Emmanuel prevert

;"I don't want Tom or Harry"!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Carry on follow that camel

Simpson;" you mean all these ladies are the shakes wives?"

Sergeant knocker:

"yes what's so terrible about that ?"

Simpson:" Think ..all those mother-in-law's

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By *tingly ByronMan
over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

Blazing Saddles.

The Waco Kid to Bart, after the old woman insults him.

What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny?" "Make yourself at home?" "Marry my daughter?"

You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers.

These are people of the land.

The common clay of the New West.

You know...

morons.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A tarant for me whole life's story

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog, he picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

The shop assistant says "Can I help you sir "?

"No thanks", says the blind bloke- "just looking!"

Tommy Cooper show

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

a guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder and says "Give us a pint and one for the road".

Tommy Cooper show

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Manchester great, it's like a Lowry painting brought to life except everyone's put on 10 stone" .

Coronation Street.

Bethany Platts verdict on her new home to Gail Rodwell

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Mind your language.

Police sergeant;" what is your name?"

Juan ;"por favour"

police sergeant;" How do you spell that?

Jeremy Brown: "that's not his name"

Police sergeant;"Oh, giving me a false name are we!"

Juan;"por favor" Police Sgt;

" I'll come back to you Mr Por favor or whatever your name is"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"run along home now Gail, those curtains won't twitch themselves"

Coronation Street

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Mind your language.

Jeremy;"Now carry on Taro but do try to get out of the habit of ending every other word with an O."

Taro:"I try". Jeremy:"good" Taro;"I went first to see the buffal."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I only told you to blow the bloody doors

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

you great big fat lump of human uselessness.

Hilda to Stanley, Coronation Street

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

tv ad.

"What is wrong with you people"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy.

Peter.

Everything I say is a lie,except that, and that and that and that and that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’re not a dog are you Gary

And listen you fucking fringe

God knows why but it makes me laugh and we always say it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most of married with children.

Hi honey did you miss me?

With every bullet so far.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy.

Stewie" I thought we were going to get a scoop of $10 ice cream like all the millennials who can afford $10 scoops of ice-cream -but can't afford to move out of their parents house

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

they don't like it up em.

Dad's Army

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The Fast Show.

Ralph:" what are you fishing for?"

Ted;. "Fish" !

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Fast Show.

Swiss Toni

"Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman unzip the door put up your pole and slip into the old bag"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

BBC cricket.

" a very small crowd here today, I can count people on the one hand,can't be more than 30"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

bbc test match cricket 1976.

"The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey"!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Frazier 1993.

Frasier:

"Niles I would shave my head for you".

Niles "a gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Absolutely Fabulous.

Eddie :"where's my thing you know my thing my vibrating thing?"

Patsy:" Right by your bedside drawer darling".

Eddie;" Not that ,not that my beeper my beeper!"

Patsy:"Oh,(fishes under her skirt) here". !

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Am I bovvered".

The Catherine Tate Show

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Victoria Wood as seen on TV.

She was wearing a pair of bright red lycra cycling shorts. from the back it looked like two halves of Edam !

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Victoria Wood as seen on TV.

(on not doing PE lessons).

One girl never went swimming, she always had her period.In the end they sent someone round from the Guinness Book of Records

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

(I hope at least one person likes a few of these )

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy.

Glen :

"That's a military fighter jet-he's here to shoot us down"

Peter;"Or she"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Family Guy.

Stewie:" No sprinkles, for every sprinkle I find -I will kill you"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

University Challenge.

"what was Gandhi's first name?"

"Goosie"!

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By *lucard5Man
over a year ago

kerry capital

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Blackadder.

Blackadder:

"Criminal record?"

Baldrick:"Absolutely not".

Blackadder :"Oh come on Baldrick your going to be an MP for Gods sake, I'll just put fraud and sexual deviance" !

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The Young Ones.

Vyvyan;" look here comes the postman"

:"Mike why do you keep telling us what is about to happen next" Vyvyan:" because it's a studio set Michael and they can't afford any longshots"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Trumps nothing like Hitler-no way he could ever write a book.

Frankie Boyle

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"Whatever takes the focus off your face...

From liar liar "
Haha love that film. " The Pen is Blue

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

" Freeze you diseased rhinoceros pizzle "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My days of not taking you seriously are definitely coming to a middle! -Firefly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My days of not taking you seriously are definitely coming to a middle! -Firefly"

I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My days of not taking you seriously are definitely coming to a middle! -Firefly

I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."

Your mouth is talking, might wanna look to that

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By *P_80Man
over a year ago

Waterford

From Father Ted:

Say if there are 200 million priests in the world, and five percent are paedophiles, that's still only 10 million.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My days of not taking you seriously are definitely coming to a middle! -Firefly

I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.

Your mouth is talking, might wanna look to that

Plus I could kill you with my brain.

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By *asha86Couple
over a year ago

walsall

Yo sanka you dead man?

Do you want to kiss my lucky egg?

Love cool runnings

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

"My names Jeff......22 jump street

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

University Challenge.

Paxman "What is another name for cherry pickers and cheesemongers"?

Contestant: "homosexuals".

Paxman: "No their regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you !

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By *od ThrusterMan
over a year ago

Newport Pagnell

Penny: Sorry I'm late.

Vince: How late are you?

Penny: About 20 minutes.

Vince: I shouldn't worry about it yet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"University Challenge.

"what was Gandhi's first name?"

"Goosie"!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The Weakest Link.

Anne:"in the Lords prayer what word beginning with an H meaning blessed comes before 'be thy name' "

Contestant

quietly)" Howard".

Anne.:"Pardon"

Contestant (louder) "HOWARD"!

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By *r monsoonMan
over a year ago

foresr of dean

“I’m here to kick butt and chew bubblegum

And I’m all out of bubblegum.”

Name the film ?? Uber bonus point for who actually said the line

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By *r monsoonMan
over a year ago

foresr of dean

Every single time the late great much missed rik mayal in Bottom goes mmmhhrrrrrrrrrr

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By *lackitncoCouple
over a year ago

brownhills

Don’t think I haven’t thunk that already

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Chase.

Bradley Walsh.

"what is the only planet in the universe known to support life ?"

Contestant:"Mars"

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By *ulldog_71Man
over a year ago

Sedgefield

On that particular Thursday there was something moving through the ionosphere, huge yellow slab like things that hung in the air exactly the way that bricks don't.

Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Family Guy.

Eliza:"Ew your breath smells like kitty litter"

Stewey:"I was curious"

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

[Removed by poster at 23/04/19 20:38:37]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BBC politics.

"The United Kingdom is leaving the European Union"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"wot doo-in?

Moose .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The X Files.

Dwarf character:

"you'd be quite surprised that some women find me strangely alluring".

Mulder:

"And you'd be quite surprised some men would too"!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Family Guy Quagmire:

(speaking about visiting the doctor).

"I only went in there for a physical slash guinea pig removal"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Your vote counts"

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