FabSwingers.com forum: Secret dilemma

By *carlettx OP Woman
over a year ago

Essex

Have you ever known a secret that’s so big and tearing you apart morally

The impact of it coming out would cause major issues but the person involved has broken my relationships with loved ones because they know I know things.

I’m at a crossroads - do I get it out in the open and have a chance to repair relationships with family or do I keep it quiet and allow this person to keep me as the villain with my ‘non-conventional’ life whilst sitting pretty and living a double life far far worse than mine

Any thoughts really are much appreciated especially if someone has been in a similar dilemma x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Worry about you first, above everyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why should you be the one to suffer? NO-ONE should ever ask another person to break their own morals. No-one should ever ask another person to make such a choice.

On info given, I would say the other person is the bad one here. You should always do what you conscience tells you is correct.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

Why are you keeping it quiet?

I've been in a similar position before Op, I think it's better to get it out in the open (although if it could do a fuck ton of serious damage I would weigh it up). It's great being mindful of others but if it's so detrimental to you I'm not sure you should be. I found it really upsetting so I wrote a list of pros and cons and then went from there. I hope you find a way to solve it soon.

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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago

London

Follow your heart.

I think if someone is actively destroying your relationships with family because you know their secret, that’s not okay.

If it was simply exposing someone’s secret and it hadn’t an impact on you, I’d say let others make and be accountable for their bad choices.

If your own circumstances are causing the issues with the family, and you’re thinking about throwing the spotlight on someone else to get it off you, then you need to focus on repairing your relationships without that.

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By *cduck and Blue eyesCouple
over a year ago

nr chester

Hiya lovely, oh my goodness I have been where you are, not to such a degree as it affecting my relationships with others but everything else I completely understand, I have to hold my hands up though and say I am an utter coward and have spent many sleepless nights knowing I should do the right thing but just can’t do it, so I am no help, other than to say the sleepless nights get less and less, and you somehow over time find a way through, If you’re more brave than me then I would say get it out, can life be any worse than it is already, whatever happens, I wholeheartedly send you all the hugs in the world as it’s so bloody hard to be where you are, take care lovely, Mrs blue eyes xxxx

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

"Have you ever known a secret that’s so big and tearing you apart morally

The impact of it coming out would cause major issues but the person involved has broken my relationships with loved ones because they know I know things.

Any thoughts really are much appreciated especially if someone has been in a similar dilemma x"

Hi Op. I assume the serious issues would be concerning the person you would out?. From your post it seems this person has wronged you, yet you refrain from retaliating in kind. For you to be hesitant, it must be very serious indeed.

Ultimately, if the person has caused you to fall out with your family but is engaged in something that could be considered much worse (not that you're doing anything wrong) then I think you should tell people...especially if you feel the secret is so serious that they would like to know. Hope this helps.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A rule of thumb that I live by with my kids, if they tell me something and ask me not to tell their dad, I always say if I feel it necessary to do so, I will; if I was concerned about their safety, criminal behaviour etc.

If it is eating you up inside and morally you need to tell someone, then do it.

Danish x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm assuming this person has outed you as a swinger to people that are judging you and you want to out them back?

Revenge rarely makes you feel better.

I would work on educating the people that are judging you rather than giving the gossip your energy.

Good luck x

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By *carlettx OP Woman
over a year ago

Essex

I have kept quiet because of the fallout that will happen , chances are this persons own relationship will be destroyed and family will possibly view them differently.

My concern is I don’t want it to look like spite. Yes there is an element of people in glasshouses but more because I’m worried if bridges aren’t built , particularly with elderly parents it could be too late

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He's using the fact that you swing as a way for you to keep quiet about something you know about him?

It sounds like something particularly serious, so I'd let it out. Hopefully you can rebuild the relationships that are damaged and he will no longer have a hold over you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have kept quiet because of the fallout that will happen , chances are this persons own relationship will be destroyed and family will possibly view them differently.

Is there any other way you could build bridges without outing him?

Would outing him solve things for you?

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

"I have kept quiet because of the fallout that will happen , chances are this persons own relationship will be destroyed and family will possibly view them differently.

But their relationships are not your problem. Why should you & your relationship with your family/friends have to suffer? Maybe warn them that you can’t live like this any longer - they will no doubt already have their defenses prepares. Good luck with whatever you decide x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Have you ever known a secret that’s so big and tearing you apart morally

The impact of it coming out would cause major issues but the person involved has broken my relationships with loved ones because they know I know things.

Any thoughts really are much appreciated especially if someone has been in a similar dilemma x"
tell me the secret privately and I'll advise you its the only way

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

It sounds like a very difficult situation. All I would say is think about yourself and relationships that you have with people. You can’t control other people and what they say and do, you can only control what you do and how you react to things.

I hope it works out.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

You are not the keeper of the behaviour of others.

No one can give you an answer to this.

The answer lies in your own sense of morality.

Listen to yourself and follow your thoughts.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Have you ever known a secret that’s so big and tearing you apart morally

The impact of it coming out would cause major issues but the person involved has broken my relationships with loved ones because they know I know things.

Any thoughts really are much appreciated especially if someone has been in a similar dilemma xtell me the secret privately and I'll advise you its the only way

Don't fall for this ......

No one needs to know your 'secret' to advise you.

They will only be able to tell you what THEY would do.

No offence meant 'secret wanter' ... My comments are made about a situation NOT a person.

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By *mber DextrousWoman
over a year ago

Devon

Without knowing more it's hard to say, but would outing this person actually genuinely help build bridges or would it just paint them as less reliable and you're hoping therefore people will be more forgiving of whatever has upset them?

Generally I'm a fan of taking the high ground and not spreading info that makes others look bad but understand why you might want to if they've done something to hurt you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't let anyone interfere with my relationship with my family.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I'm not clear how people know about your alternative lifestyle and how telling them about this other person will affect their opinion of that.

Do what seems right to you, the responsibility for the consequences of our actions lie with the individual not other s

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm not clear how people know about your alternative lifestyle and how telling them about this other person will affect their opinion of that.

Do what seems right to you, the responsibility for the consequences of our actions lie with the individual not other s"

I got the impression that people don't know about her lifestyle, and he's using that as leverage to keep her quiet.

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By *carlettx OP Woman
over a year ago

Essex

If I outed them then it would fall into place for others why this person has done everything to encourage they cut ties with me

It’s self preservation on their part if that makes sense

Far too risky me being there for them

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

What would happen if you called this person's bluff ..and your secret got known..they would have no holds over you ..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Morals are for kids

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Have you ever known a secret that’s so big and tearing you apart morally

The impact of it coming out would cause major issues but the person involved has broken my relationships with loved ones because they know I know things.

Any thoughts really are much appreciated especially if someone has been in a similar dilemma xtell me the secret privately and I'll advise you its the only way

Don't fall for this ......

No one needs to know your 'secret' to advise you.

They will only be able to tell you what THEY would do.

No offence meant 'secret wanter' ... My comments are made about a situation NOT a person. "
don't listen to this woman what does she know she's only a granny I'm your best chance

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"If I outed them then it would fall into place for others why this person has done everything to encourage they cut ties with me

It’s self preservation on their part if that makes sense

Far too risky me being there for them "

So in effect you hold all the cards?

Have you spoken to the person and pointed that out?

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

"If I outed them then it would fall into place for others why this person has done everything to encourage they cut ties with me

It’s self preservation on their part if that makes sense

Far too risky me being there for them "
. sounds like he or she is running scared and desperate

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By *carlettx OP Woman
over a year ago

Essex

"What would happen if you called this person's bluff ..and your secret got known..they would have no holds over you .. "

Mines not a secret , I’ve kept theirs out of some sort of pathetic loyalty and because I didn’t want it to look like revenge / spite and also because it would be mega shocking

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"What would happen if you called this person's bluff ..and your secret got known..they would have no holds over you ..

Mines not a secret , I’ve kept theirs out of some sort of pathetic loyalty and because I didn’t want it to look like revenge / spite and also because it would be mega shocking "

I'm a bit confused by this and don't know the whole story obviously. What gain is there for you by telling this secret, what gain is there for you by not telling it?

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

" Without knowing more it's hard to say, but would outing this person actually genuinely help build bridges or would it just paint them as less reliable and you're hoping therefore people will be more forgiving of whatever has upset them?

Generally I'm a fan of taking the high ground and not spreading info that makes others look bad but understand why you might want to if they've done something to hurt you. "

These are my thoughts too. I just can't understand people who want to mess in other peoples lives and cause misery.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What would happen if you called this person's bluff ..and your secret got known..they would have no holds over you ..

Mines not a secret , I’ve kept theirs out of some sort of pathetic loyalty and because I didn’t want it to look like revenge / spite and also because it would be mega shocking "

Sorry, I'm confused. So he's not holding anything over you?

I need a little more general information on what the big secret is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Have you ever known a secret that’s so big and tearing you apart morally

The impact of it coming out would cause major issues but the person involved has broken my relationships with loved ones because they know I know things.

Any thoughts really are much appreciated especially if someone has been in a similar dilemma x"

Reading the above Im thinking along the lines that if you want to rebuild your family relationships I think you should go for it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes OP. It almost destroyed me.

I choose not to keep secrets anymore, choose not to tell lies anymore. A secret is too close to a lie for me to feel comfortable with anymore.

I daren't Give you specific advice, but look at the damage this secret is causing you by simply knowing it. It's hurting you and it's not even your doing.

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By *ibblingnewtWoman
over a year ago

by the sea

This is really hard, I don’t envy you at all but will telling this secret magically make everything ok or will it just cause more problems, you probably feel like you are cornered here but you really need to build bridges with your family, talk to them if it is about swinging that’s something that most people can get over just be open and honest

If this person would likely break up with the partner then no I wouldn’t want that on my conscious

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By *carlettx OP Woman
over a year ago

Essex

I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

Writing things out or saying them.. is usually the best way to solve these inner conflicts. Bottling them up will only tear you up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose "

What's your relationship with this person?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The one thing I've found over the years is to always always trust your gut feeling. If it feels wrong it's wrong.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

What's your relationship with this person? "

Good question

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

Why do you feel bad about someone else's actions and why are their actions making family members view you in a bad light?

Tell or don't tell but things other people are doing aren't your fault.

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By *carlettx OP Woman
over a year ago

Essex

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

What's your relationship with this person?

Good question

Sibling

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

What's your relationship with this person?

Good question

Sibling "

I know things about one of my siblings that I will take to the grave. No purpose would be served by me telling except to change people's opinion of them and that isn't my job

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By *carlettx OP Woman
over a year ago

Essex

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

What's your relationship with this person?

Good question

Sibling

I know things about one of my siblings that I will take to the grave. No purpose would be served by me telling except to change people's opinion of them and that isn't my job"

I hear you ... has your sibling ruined your relationship with your parents tho to make sure you aren’t in a position for their own secret to come out ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

"
somebody close is having an affair ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've two friends who have sisters on the outside, sisters who disaprove of their lifestyle or being on here.

They've both come to a standoff.. not healthy relationships, but not at risk of outing personal secrets.

I'd try and talk to my sister if it were me. Have it out, so we can be friends again.. I love her. At least we don't have to be enemies over it.

Who knows, talking might both make you realise the animosity is coming from another place entirely.

I'm not privy to all the information so it's hard to give advice.

Talking is usually the answer to any and all issues though. Unless it's me and I talk too much.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

There is a saying, if you walk down a single path, there is no choice.

If you walk down a path and the path splits into two, you have a dilemma.

Only when you walk down a path and the path splits into three or more do you have choice.

Might be worth looking for a third option.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

What's your relationship with this person?

Good question

Sibling

I know things about one of my siblings that I will take to the grave. No purpose would be served by me telling except to change people's opinion of them and that isn't my job

I hear you ... has your sibling ruined your relationship with your parents tho to make sure you aren’t in a position for their own secret to come out ? "

No.

Look I don't want to be harsh here but this sounds like an awful lot of intrigue. If your sibling has ruined your relationship with your parents then however they achieved that is the issue to be addressed not the secret.

Couldn't the whole thing be brought into the open simply by telling your sibling that they need to put things right or you will speak out?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m really grateful for all your feedback

Trust me writing it on here is really a last resort as I feel totally trapped in my own misery

I’m not the sort of person to intentionally hurt anyone at all which is why I have kept it secret so damn long - maybe with the hope it would all go away but it’s getting bigger

This wasn’t a one off thing I have kept secret it’s ongoing day after day right under my nose

What's your relationship with this person?

Good question

Sibling

I know things about one of my siblings that I will take to the grave. No purpose would be served by me telling except to change people's opinion of them and that isn't my job

I hear you ... has your sibling ruined your relationship with your parents tho to make sure you aren’t in a position for their own secret to come out ?

No.

Couldn't the whole thing be brought into the open simply by telling your sibling that they need to put things right or you will speak out?"

If it's affecting your relationship with your parents OP, it needs sorting. The sibling needs to sort it. Feels very much like they are emotionally black mailing you.

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

You need to do what's right for you op.

Keeping this secret is hurting people you included.

Get it out in the open and rebuild your relationships,what happens to them is their responsibility,you shouldn't be in this situation.

Good luck whatever you do.miss xx

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