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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " it would depend on what but more than likely do what I did last time pick her up Chuck her out side and sling what ever she had at The house change the locks and never look back | |||
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"If it was about there being a little man that turns the light on in the fridge, I’d let that one slide, but if it’s the one about gingers being the best lovers, then she’s talking the bins out for the month. Hope this helps with your research OP." Definitely the fridge guy, I named him and everything... | |||
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"It would depend on what they were lying about , is it something about their life before you, or something they did / didn't do ? Or deception of a deeper kind ? " Pretty much all of that! Claiming to be single when they weren't would be the big one. | |||
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"It would depend on what they were lying about , is it something about their life before you, or something they did / didn't do ? Or deception of a deeper kind ? Pretty much all of that! Claiming to be single when they weren't would be the big one. " I think I'd feel quite betrayed and sad, but if they are an ex already it would be pointless to dwell on it too much xx | |||
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"Personally, I was totally flummoxed. I'm not stupid or gullible but I was taken in hook, line and sinker and nearly gave up everything for a lie. I was too shocked to seek revenge, but it changed me as a person: haven't trusted anyone since...15 years and I still can't believe how stupid I was." I totally understand that feeling. I never want to let someone else's actions change how I act towards others or colour my future with someone else, but self preservation is a hard thing to fight. | |||
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"Hurt and angry.. but both faded over time. " *nods* | |||
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"Hurt and angry.. but both faded over time. *nods*" It's horrific but the only way to take power back is to write it off to experience and look forwards. 8 years on and I still can't help but remember certain things but no longer haunts me. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " All of them, my ex lied to me for over 22 years and the best thing I did was walk away. As much as I wanted revenge actually doing nothing and cutting him out of my life was the best revenge x | |||
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"I know it won't go down well, some of you won't admit it even in your own minds, but I bet everyone who has posted above has lied to an ex about something before...... ......not necessarily life and death, but where does the scale begin and end...... " I see your point, there are big lies and little lies, lies of omission, etc. I stated ^^ a bit more specifically what it was though. I feel that's towards the apocalyptic end of the scale. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " He did, and it nearhy destroyed me. It took a long time & alot of talking to finally get over things I'm still hearing the same bullshit 13yrs later, when things go wrong it's not his fault, he's been screwed over again financially, not paid for jobs he's done, he must be the unluckiest builder on record. I am now incredulous that I let a man like that rule my life, and I truly pity his GF. I don't do revenge, I believe people will get what's coming to them eventually without having to do anything. But I have had my revenge on this case. I'm free, I dragged myself out of the hole he left me in, created a new successful life. He can no longer control me. He hates that  | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " Been there done that vindicated is how I feel shame I lost friends, family and my self respect along the way not to mention the hurt cause to my children, giving up my career you name it the list goes on Lesson learned for me go with my gut and don’t settle hoping things will get better, run while you can | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? He did, and it nearhy destroyed me. It took a long time & alot of talking to finally get over things I'm still hearing the same bullshit 13yrs later, when things go wrong it's not his fault, he's been screwed over again financially, not paid for jobs he's done, he must be the unluckiest builder on record. I am now incredulous that I let a man like that rule my life, and I truly pity his GF. I don't do revenge, I believe people will get what's coming to them eventually without having to do anything. But I have had my revenge on this case. I'm free, I dragged myself out of the hole he left me in, created a new successful life. He can no longer control me. He hates that "Well done you! The old saying "the best revenge is a life lived well" springs to mind. | |||
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"It would depend on what they were lying about , is it something about their life before you, or something they did / didn't do ? Or deception of a deeper kind ? Pretty much all of that! Claiming to be single when they weren't would be the big one. " Oh been there and done that too lol think I’d learn but nope I keep picking the guys that seem to need fixing and I end up making a total count of myself | |||
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"I felt angry and shocked but decided that was causing me to suffer when he didn’t give a shit. So I forgave him. He’s got a mental illness so knowing that helps me come to terms with things. When I think about him and what happened now, I feel nothing. I really think my decision to let it go was the best thing. I tend to do that a lot more now. So much less stressful and I’ve learnt that life’s too short to hang on to negative feelings. When I recovered from cancer my motto became Onwards and Upwards and it’s helped me a lot. " That's a very good way to see things. | |||
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"I know it won't go down well, some of you won't admit it even in your own minds, but I bet everyone who has posted above has lied to an ex about something before...... ......not necessarily life and death, but where does the scale begin and end...... " Actually no I’ve never lied can’t bring myself to, far too honest for my own good unfortunately | |||
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"I know it won't go down well, some of you won't admit it even in your own minds, but I bet everyone who has posted above has lied to an ex about something before...... ......not necessarily life and death, but where does the scale begin and end...... I see your point, there are big lies and little lies, lies of omission, etc. I stated ^^ a bit more specifically what it was though. I feel that's towards the apocalyptic end of the scale. " Yeah I know..... I lied to an ex about her cooking once..... .....truth always pays  | |||
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"I know it won't go down well, some of you won't admit it even in your own minds, but I bet everyone who has posted above has lied to an ex about something before...... ......not necessarily life and death, but where does the scale begin and end...... I see your point, there are big lies and little lies, lies of omission, etc. I stated ^^ a bit more specifically what it was though. I feel that's towards the apocalyptic end of the scale. Yeah I know..... I lied to an ex about her cooking once..... .....truth always pays "Ouch! | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " Yes. | |||
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"We cant change history you could always be thinking what if. But you're never going to know the truth so theres no point in wasting any time or effort into it." I agree with that. Ultimately finding a way forwards and leaving it behind is the goal | |||
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"We cant change history you could always be thinking what if. But you're never going to know the truth so theres no point in wasting any time or effort into it. I agree with that. Ultimately finding a way forwards and leaving it behind is the goal" You know you're over it when it doesn't matter any more  | |||
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"We cant change history you could always be thinking what if. But you're never going to know the truth so theres no point in wasting any time or effort into it. I agree with that. Ultimately finding a way forwards and leaving it behind is the goal You know you're over it when it doesn't matter any more "That's very true. Indifference is the aim! | |||
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"I don’t think it would bother me too much. They’re an ex, it’s in the past. Just move forward. " | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " Ex partner ? I wouldn’t give a fuck , it’s in the past . | |||
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"Oh you mean found out after you split? " Yeah | |||
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"Oh you mean found out after you split? Yeah" I would still be devastated even with what I know now. | |||
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"If it was about there being a little man that turns the light on in the fridge, I’d let that one slide, but if it’s the one about gingers being the best lovers, then she’s talking the bins out for the month. Hope this helps with your research OP. Definitely the fridge guy, I named him and everything... " Dont encourage him, for fucks sake.... | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though ." My marriage wasn't "shit" to be flushed down the toilet and we aren't all bitter about our exes. I spent 30 years with mine, and that's not something trivial like yours may have been. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though ." I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected." This | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected." Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. " The difficulty with that being that you might never know the true extent of all the deception, and it could drive you a bit mad. So finding closure is delayed, and moving forward becomes much harder. I know I will, in time, because if nothing else, life has taught me that I am a survivor and I have faced much worse during my life. Probably just sheer stubbornness  | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. " The more you pick at something the longer it takes to heal. Whilst it's never easy to do completely, and it will always colour our futures the past is a place that cannot be changed. Often it may not ever be fully understood. The only thing it's in our power to change is our today, and maybe our tomorrows... | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. The difficulty with that being that you might never know the true extent of all the deception, and it could drive you a bit mad. So finding closure is delayed, and moving forward becomes much harder. I know I will, in time, because if nothing else, life has taught me that I am a survivor and I have faced much worse during my life. Probably just sheer stubbornness "Exactly that. I said to you a couple of weeks ago that trying to find answers can potentially drive you a little mad and may not be the answers that you want. Ultimately its about finding a way forwards without losing the best of yourself along the way. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. The more you pick at something the longer it takes to heal. Whilst it's never easy to do completely, and it will always colour our futures the past is a place that cannot be changed. Often it may not ever be fully understood. The only thing it's in our power to change is our today, and maybe our tomorrows..." Wise words | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected."
I don’t think it’s a case of wanting to cling onto the shit from way back, it’s more of a case of not letting that shit define who you are in the present and future which is no mean feat.
Must be very hard to find the life you thought to be true, wasn’t. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . My marriage wasn't "shit" to be flushed down the toilet and we aren't all bitter about our exes. I spent 30 years with mine, and that's not something trivial like yours may have been. " At no point did I say I was bitter about my exes . I merely pointed out that it’s in the past , and it’s bloody hard to deal with daily life at times without allowing the past to define you . But that’s cool , and I really don’t know why you assume that anything about my past relationships are trivial . I have had two failed marriages , neither of which were perfect or trivial , but the negative side of both certainly plays no part in my life today .I am happy to say that my wife and I are extremely happy , and part of the reason for that is that neither of us allows the past to affect us in a negative way . Nor do either of us hark on about our previous relationships , because they aren’t relevant . Live for today . | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. " But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . " Some things are pretty epic and hit you like a tonne of bricks. It's not always that easy. For many trauma isn't a choice. Depends on the person and the circumstance. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . " Because it's a process that I am going through. I can appreciate you deal with things differently to me, based on your life experience to date, it's a shame you can't show me that empathy. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . " Some things are more than just petty break ups after a couple of years. My past doesn't define me, but it's pretty important to me and has affected me. It's my life and it's not to be brushed under the carpet like a pile of dust, to be forgotten about. Your exes may be insignificant to you, but some of us invested a lot of time with ours and have children with them. I'm not talking about an aggravating girlfriend you can forget about. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . Because it's a process that I am going through. I can appreciate you deal with things differently to me, based on your life experience to date, it's a shame you can't show me that empathy." Edited to add, oh and in my daily life, I have no choice but to crack on and move forwards with things, but that doesn't mean I ignore it, it just means I am a survivor. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . " No frankly I don't wish that I could, nor is it about being defined by the past or the crappy things. It's about processing, dealing then moving on. Just brushing things off isn't necessarily a healthy way to be and it isn't how most people deal with things. Clearly how you deal with things works for you but not understanding how others handle things is a little lacking in empathy. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . No frankly I don't wish that I could, nor is it about being defined by the past or the crappy things. It's about processing, dealing then moving on. Just brushing things off isn't necessarily a healthy way to be and it isn't how most people deal with things. Clearly how you deal with things works for you but not understanding how others handle things is a little lacking in empathy. " | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " All of the above | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? He did, and it nearhy destroyed me. It took a long time & alot of talking to finally get over things I'm still hearing the same bullshit 13yrs later, when things go wrong it's not his fault, he's been screwed over again financially, not paid for jobs he's done, he must be the unluckiest builder on record. I am now incredulous that I let a man like that rule my life, and I truly pity his GF. I don't do revenge, I believe people will get what's coming to them eventually without having to do anything. But I have had my revenge on this case. I'm free, I dragged myself out of the hole he left me in, created a new successful life. He can no longer control me. He hates that " | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . Some things are more than just petty break ups after a couple of years. My past doesn't define me, but it's pretty important to me and has affected me. It's my life and it's not to be brushed under the carpet like a pile of dust, to be forgotten about. Your exes may be insignificant to you, but some of us invested a lot of time with ours and have children with them. I'm not talking about an aggravating girlfriend you can forget about. " Aggravating girlfriend ? Jeez you make some assumptions that are way off the mark ! Just like anyone else I’ve had all manner of shit happen throughout my life . Both marriages produced children , all of whom work for me now in the family business . I have four grandchildren and a fifth imminent , and a stepson in his first year at secondary school with S , my third and final wife - third time lucky ! In January 2018 I suffered a massive heart attack and it was touch and go for a few weeks , and I’m so glad to still be here . The way I cope with everything is to see things for what they really are , and if I can’t change something I certainly don’t waste any time or energy in trying to do anything about it . And that includes letting anything from the past that may upset me get into my head . | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " All relationship are based on lies. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . Some things are more than just petty break ups after a couple of years. My past doesn't define me, but it's pretty important to me and has affected me. It's my life and it's not to be brushed under the carpet like a pile of dust, to be forgotten about. Your exes may be insignificant to you, but some of us invested a lot of time with ours and have children with them. I'm not talking about an aggravating girlfriend you can forget about. Aggravating girlfriend ? Jeez you make some assumptions that are way off the mark ! Just like anyone else I’ve had all manner of shit happen throughout my life . Both marriages produced children , all of whom work for me now in the family business . I have four grandchildren and a fifth imminent , and a stepson in his first year at secondary school with S , my third and final wife - third time lucky ! In January 2018 I suffered a massive heart attack and it was touch and go for a few weeks , and I’m so glad to still be here . The way I cope with everything is to see things for what they really are , and if I can’t change something I certainly don’t waste any time or energy in trying to do anything about it . And that includes letting anything from the past that may upset me get into my head ." So it's not all shit you will just sweep under a carpet. I wasn't referring to your gfs, by the way, I was speaking in general. Still, you can't see how some of us don't think our past is shit to be brushed away, so no point carrying on the conversation. | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . Because it's a process that I am going through. I can appreciate you deal with things differently to me, based on your life experience to date, it's a shame you can't show me that empathy." I’m sorry you feel like that . I certainly don’t know your circumstances and haven’t meant to be unsympathetic to your current situation . I’m probably way to pragmatic to show much empathy , so I apologize to anyone who feels I haven’t shown much empathy . | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . Some things are more than just petty break ups after a couple of years. My past doesn't define me, but it's pretty important to me and has affected me. It's my life and it's not to be brushed under the carpet like a pile of dust, to be forgotten about. Your exes may be insignificant to you, but some of us invested a lot of time with ours and have children with them. I'm not talking about an aggravating girlfriend you can forget about. Aggravating girlfriend ? Jeez you make some assumptions that are way off the mark ! Just like anyone else I’ve had all manner of shit happen throughout my life . Both marriages produced children , all of whom work for me now in the family business . I have four grandchildren and a fifth imminent , and a stepson in his first year at secondary school with S , my third and final wife - third time lucky ! In January 2018 I suffered a massive heart attack and it was touch and go for a few weeks , and I’m so glad to still be here . The way I cope with everything is to see things for what they really are , and if I can’t change something I certainly don’t waste any time or energy in trying to do anything about it . And that includes letting anything from the past that may upset me get into my head . So it's not all shit you will just sweep under a carpet. I wasn't referring to your gfs, by the way, I was speaking in general. Still, you can't see how some of us don't think our past is shit to be brushed away, so no point carrying on the conversation. " Well said !! We all can’t brush things off! Different strokes for different folks | |||
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"I’ve always figured that what went on in the past is in the past for a reason . So to let it get to you is futile , pointless and carries nothing but negativity . There’s enough shit that happens on a daily basis without clinging to shit from way back . But I guess it’s what some people like to do . I’ll never understand why though . I think it's the realisation that your perception of reality and the reality are very different that can be a shock. It makes you question if anything was true, because a good lier weaves in truth with lies and it can make it all so plausible. For me, it means, I now question my own judgement, second guess myself and makes me very suspicious of others' motives. It's hard to dust yourself off and not be affected. Yes, pretty much! When the relationship was for the most part good and positive, to fi D out that it was a sham can be a difficult thing to get your head around. It's not a case of just brushing it off or carrying around negativity, it's a case of unpicking what was true or false. But why ? Why isn’t it a case of just brushing it off ? Don’t you sometimes look at other people who are able to do just that and wish you could do the same and move on ? It baffles me that so many people let crappy things that happen in their lives define them and take over their very lives . Some things are more than just petty break ups after a couple of years. My past doesn't define me, but it's pretty important to me and has affected me. It's my life and it's not to be brushed under the carpet like a pile of dust, to be forgotten about. Your exes may be insignificant to you, but some of us invested a lot of time with ours and have children with them. I'm not talking about an aggravating girlfriend you can forget about. Aggravating girlfriend ? Jeez you make some assumptions that are way off the mark ! Just like anyone else I’ve had all manner of shit happen throughout my life . Both marriages produced children , all of whom work for me now in the family business . I have four grandchildren and a fifth imminent , and a stepson in his first year at secondary school with S , my third and final wife - third time lucky ! In January 2018 I suffered a massive heart attack and it was touch and go for a few weeks , and I’m so glad to still be here . The way I cope with everything is to see things for what they really are , and if I can’t change something I certainly don’t waste any time or energy in trying to do anything about it . And that includes letting anything from the past that may upset me get into my head . So it's not all shit you will just sweep under a carpet. I wasn't referring to your gfs, by the way, I was speaking in general. Still, you can't see how some of us don't think our past is shit to be brushed away, so no point carrying on the conversation. " That’s cool with me , and I’m sorry , but I don’t spend a second of my life thinking about my first or my second wife . They are both exes for a reason and quite why I should be harboring any thoughts over them is beyond me . The kids are grown up now and I’m happily married to someone else now . So yes I’ll happily leave it there and say no more . | |||
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"It's happened to me and you can only learn from it and move on and hope to be better prepared in the future. " It happened to me twice before I learnt how to deal with it . | |||
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"It's happened to me and you can only learn from it and move on and hope to be better prepared in the future. It happened to me twice before I learnt how to deal with it ." Some people can’t though. Everyone is effected differently. You’ve moved on and happily dealed with your past , many can’t or struggle with past issues. It’s not easy. | |||
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"It's happened to me and you can only learn from it and move on and hope to be better prepared in the future. It happened to me twice before I learnt how to deal with it ." I think very often on these threads we are all speaking at cross purposes. Nobody wants to reveal what lies have been told or lived out and it's not a competition to see who's the most unlucky or most affected. Lies can be emotionally hurtful right up to life changing. Sometimes it's good just to vocalise something and hear others stories of getting through crappy times as a form of support. I'd never compare my experience to anyone else's as it's impossible to do so. A little empathy for a bad patch goes a long way in this miserable world sometimes. | |||
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"It's happened to me and you can only learn from it and move on and hope to be better prepared in the future. It happened to me twice before I learnt how to deal with it . I think very often on these threads we are all speaking at cross purposes. Nobody wants to reveal what lies have been told or lived out and it's not a competition to see who's the most unlucky or most affected. Lies can be emotionally hurtful right up to life changing. Sometimes it's good just to vocalise something and hear others stories of getting through crappy times as a form of support. I'd never compare my experience to anyone else's as it's impossible to do so. A little empathy for a bad patch goes a long way in this miserable world sometimes. " | |||
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"It's happened to me and you can only learn from it and move on and hope to be better prepared in the future. It happened to me twice before I learnt how to deal with it . Some people can’t though. Everyone is effected differently. You’ve moved on and happily dealed with your past , many can’t or struggle with past issues. It’s not easy. " I totally get that , and I understand that people read words on a screen and think I don’t . But I really do , far more than you and the others who are criticising me realise . And I always remember the picture my old nan had above her bed , ‘ Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference ‘ | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " As I read this you found out after you split? Then acceptance, add it to the mental file labelled "reasons why they are an ex", close the box and move on. Clinging to the past and psychoanalysing everything is too time consuming and energy draining. Their issues are exactly that - their issues. | |||
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"It's happened to me and you can only learn from it and move on and hope to be better prepared in the future. It happened to me twice before I learnt how to deal with it . Some people can’t though. Everyone is effected differently. You’ve moved on and happily dealed with your past , many can’t or struggle with past issues. It’s not easy. " I agree and wasn't at all being flippant. It took me a long to process what had happened and understand it. I absolutely wasn't dismissing anyone's feelings or being disrespectful. | |||
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"It's happened to me and you can only learn from it and move on and hope to be better prepared in the future. It happened to me twice before I learnt how to deal with it . I think very often on these threads we are all speaking at cross purposes. Nobody wants to reveal what lies have been told or lived out and it's not a competition to see who's the most unlucky or most affected. Lies can be emotionally hurtful right up to life changing. Sometimes it's good just to vocalise something and hear others stories of getting through crappy times as a form of support. I'd never compare my experience to anyone else's as it's impossible to do so. A little empathy for a bad patch goes a long way in this miserable world sometimes. " I totally agree with you, everyone is different and deals with things differently. I wasn't being unsympathetic at all, perhaps my response was far too simple. Although ultimately I think it's the best answer. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " I was loyal to my ex and she bushwacked me for someone else. Part of me feels the whole relationship is a lie. Over thinking about it gets me nowhere. What you feel like is all of the above depending on your mood. I find the best approach, as some have mentioned, is make your own life as good as it can be. My ex has no more control, (funny how that comes up alot in posts) and I know that will hurt. Onwards and upwards. | |||
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"It's happened to me and you can only learn from it and move on and hope to be better prepared in the future. It happened to me twice before I learnt how to deal with it . Some people can’t though. Everyone is effected differently. You’ve moved on and happily dealed with your past , many can’t or struggle with past issues. It’s not easy. I totally get that , and I understand that people read words on a screen and think I don’t . But I really do , far more than you and the others who are criticising me realise . And I always remember the picture my old nan had above her bed , ‘ Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference ‘" I think that part of the problem here, and with your reactions as a whole is that as you say "words on a screen". They have no context of your perspective or the process that you go through in order to achieve this clarity. Often your posts are very black and white, binary options and very little wiggle room in the middle. The same is true in this case. I very much doubt that this is actually the case in reality but this is the manner in which you present things. Earlier in the thread you presented a 'brush it off' or 'get bogged down' binary choice. That simply isn't how people process and I doubt that it is how you do either. I'm not attacking you, however, a touch of context to your personal journey would have been of use. As others have said, a touch of empathy in emotive subjects goes a long long way. Thank you for your input though | |||
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"I know it won't go down well, some of you won't admit it even in your own minds, but I bet everyone who has posted above has lied to an ex about something before...... ......not necessarily life and death, but where does the scale begin and end...... " That's a fair point. Another perspective. Great thread OP. Lots of different perspectives and stories. We're (all) not alone. | |||
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"My late husband was always lying even when i had proof.....i got used to it" Gaslighting. X | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? All relationship are based on lies." That would be sad if true | |||
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"It would depend on what they were lying about , is it something about their life before you, or something they did / didn't do ? Or deception of a deeper kind ? Pretty much all of that! Claiming to be single when they weren't would be the big one. " Been there. Foolishly forgave them and carried on. But the trouble is that have them the green light to carry on disrespecting me. Every time I found something else out they tried to turn it on me and I let them because I loved them. It broke my heart. | |||
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"My late husband was always lying even when i had proof.....i got used to it Gaslighting. X" That was very much my situation, I felt that something was going on but was made to feel stupid or unreasonable. It's a relief in a way to know that I was right, but stupid for believing it all. | |||
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"Again, thanks for the input folks. I'm heartened and saddened to know that I'm not the only one that is dealing/has dealt with this. Ultimately my situation could be far worse and I'm glad that she's part of my history. The confliction that I've felt over her will pass" There is no right and wrong about this. Your mind is incredibly resilient. Trying to parse every little thing will delay closure, cause anxiety and stress and mar any good memories you had. Why take an experience that you enjoyed at the time and made you grow as a person and turn it on its head? Wishing you a speedy path to happiness | |||
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"My late husband was always lying even when i had proof.....i got used to it Gaslighting. X That was very much my situation, I felt that something was going on but was made to feel stupid or unreasonable. It's a relief in a way to know that I was right, but stupid for believing it all. " Yes! When I finally realised what my ex was doing, had done for 15yrs, it was a relief to realise I wasn't actually going crazy. Once I actually had the proof, his bags where packed and his was out the door. I saw a counsellor, I would recommend anyone struggling to deal with emotional issues to seek help. Dragging things through your own head over & over, doesn't work, it'll just get worse. It only took me a couple of months to sort myself out. This Sunday would have been my wedding anniversary, and for the 13th year in a row, I'll be out partying. Celebrating, it's not, celebrating the amazing life I have now, one that I built. One that my ex is still part of, we have 2 children, but one is also not part of and has zero control over. | |||
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"My late husband was always lying even when i had proof.....i got used to it Gaslighting. X That was very much my situation, I felt that something was going on but was made to feel stupid or unreasonable. It's a relief in a way to know that I was right, but stupid for believing it all. Yes! When I finally realised what my ex was doing, had done for 15yrs, it was a relief to realise I wasn't actually going crazy. Once I actually had the proof, his bags where packed and his was out the door. I saw a counsellor, I would recommend anyone struggling to deal with emotional issues to seek help. Dragging things through your own head over & over, doesn't work, it'll just get worse. It only took me a couple of months to sort myself out. This Sunday would have been my wedding anniversary, and for the 13th year in a row, I'll be out partying. Celebrating, it's not, celebrating the amazing life I have now, one that I built. One that my ex is still part of, we have 2 children, but one is also not part of and has zero control over. " | |||
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"Depends on how long a relationship you had with them. If you were married, owned house together, had weans and a poor dug, etc. A short termer should move on, they're your ex for a reason. If it bothers you then they still have a hold of you or you haven't got over them. Long term relationships... Not an easy thing I would guess, devastating, betrayed. Mr Tease" I don't think length of time necessarily detetmines how hurt you should feel. | |||
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"Again, thanks for the input folks. I'm heartened and saddened to know that I'm not the only one that is dealing/has dealt with this. Ultimately my situation could be far worse and I'm glad that she's part of my history. The confliction that I've felt over her will pass" Sending hugs- me too. Had so many pm's of support actually x | |||
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"Again, thanks for the input folks. I'm heartened and saddened to know that I'm not the only one that is dealing/has dealt with this. Ultimately my situation could be far worse and I'm glad that she's part of my history. The confliction that I've felt over her will pass Sending hugs- me too. Had so many pm's of support actually x" I'm glad to hear that, there are some nice people on here | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " Depends what it was about and why. | |||
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"Lied about what? If he was having a secret cheeseburger every day and coming home telling me he had a nice healthy lunch I'd probably laugh. If he had a second family I'd be slightly more pissed off. " About having a partner and I found out last night meeting others behind my back | |||
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"Lied about what? If he was having a secret cheeseburger every day and coming home telling me he had a nice healthy lunch I'd probably laugh. If he had a second family I'd be slightly more pissed off. About having a partner and I found out last night meeting others behind my back " If it was my ex I'd be angry and hurt, but ultimately glad they were an ex. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " He did Now he will pay | |||
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"Lied about what? If he was having a secret cheeseburger every day and coming home telling me he had a nice healthy lunch I'd probably laugh. If he had a second family I'd be slightly more pissed off. About having a partner and I found out last night meeting others behind my back If it was my ex I'd be angry and hurt, but ultimately glad they were an ex. " This ^ Don’t let it eat you up, it’s in the past. Let it go and move on, as it will only damage you if you don’t. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " I would feel hurt at the deceit... but would be relieved that they are my EX! And would think... bullet dodged! | |||
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"Lied about what? If he was having a secret cheeseburger every day and coming home telling me he had a nice healthy lunch I'd probably laugh. If he had a second family I'd be slightly more pissed off. About having a partner and I found out last night meeting others behind my back " Always at least 2 sides to every story.... | |||
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"This probably qualifies as an overshare and TMI in people's books but fuck it. " Sometimes you need to get it off your chest. Don’t let the anger consume you x | |||
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"Ok, when it happened to me I felt a sense of relief. I *knew* it was happening but failed to get actual evidence. I was told I was a crazy bitch, dragged around by my hair, bullied and berated. The truth came out 15 months after we split but then so did everything else. I thought I was over it, thought I was free. I wasn't. I'd have rather not known if the truth be told as the relief wore off and it created a ton of confusion and soul searching. I'd already grieved the loss of the relationship I wanted but didn't get before we split but then I needed to grieve again, not for him or my dream, but for me. It showed me that all of these people who'd sworn to me he wasn't playing away were lying to protect him. That they saw me checking the canals and driving round in a taxi all through the night because he didn't come home, thinking he'd been knocked down on his way home from the pub did so knowing all along he was with his bit on the side and said nothing. They let me carry on. That was the bit that really broke me. That was the bit that made me question humanity. I knew I was nothing but a pawn to him but thought wrongly my wellbeing meant something to them, the devastation that brought that there were multiple people in this trickery and mindfuck knocked me bandy This was the start of a bad time. It triggered a host of events and within weeks I had a full on breakdown that took 9 months to recover from. My faith in humans was gone. I needed counselling etc to build me back up, to find my confidence and faith in people again. Seriously it was shot to shit and I now saw everyone who's agenda I didn't know a threat, even down to people in a supermarket. My head was fucked. I could be in a shop and if there were a few people in the same aisle as me I'd panic that if something happened they were blocking my way, that I couldn't get passed, that I was trapped by clueless idiots who didn't care I needed to get out. Madness eh? I thought people in the street were laughing at me for being stupid. I'd watch clips of people being kind to one another and sob for hours that this wasn't the norm, that kindness was seemed unusual. Fast forward. I've learned that angels walk this earth and they don't even realise that's what they are. They're simply decent humans with good souls, and they restore your faith slowly but surely. It's tough, because you feel your judgement was flawed and you wonder if you can not only trust others but yourself too. Trust... try faith in humans instead, it doesn't hurt so deep or do as much damage and when trust is betrayed. P"  xx | |||
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"Lied about what? If he was having a secret cheeseburger every day and coming home telling me he had a nice healthy lunch I'd probably laugh. If he had a second family I'd be slightly more pissed off. About having a partner and I found out last night meeting others behind my back " Wow that's nasty. Better off without her. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " Confused. Disappointed. Humiliated. Not angry. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? Confused. Disappointed. Humiliated. Not hungry. " Why would you be hungry anyway ? | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? Confused. Disappointed. Humiliated. Not hungry. Why would you be hungry anyway ? " I’ve been on holiday there. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? Confused. Disappointed. Humiliated. Not hungry. Why would you be hungry anyway ? I’ve been on holiday there. ".was it good ? | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? Confused. Disappointed. Humiliated. Not hungry. Why would you be hungry anyway ? I’ve been on holiday there.
.was it good ? "no, I was hungry. | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " My reaction would be one of relief and confirmation of my decision make them my ex. Smile and get on with my life. Because life is good.  | |||
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"If you found out that your expartner had lied to you throughout the course of your relationship with them, what would your reaction be? Anger? Incredulity? Resentment? A desire for revenge? " They are an ex for a reason. The past is done with. Live life now! | |||
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