FabSwingers.com forum: A different perspective

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

There are always married men threads running, judgement, revoltion etc.

I for one have always taken a dim view.

However.....

Growing up me and my sister always knew our parents weren't right for each other. Our home life, no matter how hard our parents tried to hide it and carry on as normal, well, it was "lacking". There was something missing.

That something was our parents being in love. Yes they cared for one another but neither were happy, not really.

My sister and I used to whisper about divorce whenever our parents talked in private - we thought that was the convo they were having. This was from around aged 7.

My dad was a hard worker who provided everything for us. The mother barely lifted a finger, didn't work and took him for granted terribly.

He was "lucky" to get a cooked meal when he came home from work, he sometimes worked 2 days straight. No thanks, no appreciation.

Fast forward 11 years.

They still share a home.

They're both miserable as sin, yet they carry on doing the habitual things together (well, the food shop once a week)

My dad has slept on the armchair downstairs for the last 5 years at least.

The mother still doesn't lift a finger or work.

I'm now 18, and myself and my dad have an open talk at about 1am. He confides in me that it's time. He's leaving.

He told me he had been seeing someone else for the 2 years.

I was elated! Finally my dad would be happy

As far as I was concerned my parents weren't even in a relationship anymore even though they still lived under the same roof and were married. It was blatantly obvious they shouldn't have been together.

I asked my dad why he'd not gone sooner and he broke my heart a little by telling me it was because of me and my sister, he wanted to make sure we would be ok and were ready to stand on our own 2 feet. As much as I admired him for that, I carried a lot of guilt for a while that he sacrificed his own happiness for me, for so long.

The mother (yes, my mum) in my view took advantage of my dads good nature and values for many many years, she wasn't the greatest mum, but my God she was an awful wife.

Fast forward 24 years.

My dad has been married to the woman he left the family home to start a new life with for 20 years now. This woman and I have had our disagreements, of course we have, but she appreciates my dad, she makes him happy, she clearly loves him, and him her. I couldn't wish for anything other than my dads happiness and I'm grateful to my step mum for bringing him joy.

The mother got off her lazy arse when my dad went, got a job, had purpose a new lease for life. Yes she was crushed at first as her cushdy life as she new it was changing and yes she was scared. She's hard a new man in her life for over 15 years now, this one she doesn't take the piss out of, she is a decent partner to him.

I admire my dad for his commitment to making sure we were gonna be ok. I admire my step mum for giving my dad the time, and standing by him whilst he felt he needed to fulfil his "dad duties" and actually, I kind of admire the mother for making changes to her life for the better.

I guess my writing here is to tell others that not all "married men" are cunts.... my dad certainly wasn't and everyone is happy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

Amen!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago

Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro

"Amen!! "

Praise the lord

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There are always married men threads running, judgement, revoltion etc.

I for one have always taken a dim view.

However.....

That something was our parents being in love. Yes they cared for one another but neither were happy, not really.

My sister and I used to whisper about divorce whenever our parents talked in private - we thought that was the convo they were having. This was from around aged 7.

My dad was a hard worker who provided everything for us. The mother barely lifted a finger, didn't work and took him for granted terribly.

He was "lucky" to get a cooked meal when he came home from work, he sometimes worked 2 days straight. No thanks, no appreciation.

Fast forward 11 years.

They still share a home.

They're both miserable as sin, yet they carry on doing the habitual things together (well, the food shop once a week)

My dad has slept on the armchair downstairs for the last 5 years at least.

The mother still doesn't lift a finger or work.

I'm now 18, and myself and my dad have an open talk at about 1am. He confides in me that it's time. He's leaving.

He told me he had been seeing someone else for the 2 years.

I was elated! Finally my dad would be happy

The mother (yes, my mum) in my view took advantage of my dads good nature and values for many many years, she wasn't the greatest mum, but my God she was an awful wife.

Fast forward 24 years.

I guess my writing here is to tell others that not all "married men" are cunts.... my dad certainly wasn't and everyone is happy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

your honesty and openness x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That bought tears to my eyes OP...xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

your honesty and openness x"

Thank you.

I think people jump to conclusions (I'm guilty of this myself I admit) and attack others.

My dad was technically still married to the mother, they still shared a home, but they weren't actually together even though to the outside world it would appear that they were. I guess I am a bit of a hypocrite because I say I won't meet married men, yet I'd absolutely meet those who are wonderful humans.... like my dad is.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

your honesty and openness x

Thank you.

I think people jump to conclusions (I'm guilty of this myself I admit) and attack others.

You're not a hypocrite for loving and empathising with your father x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds like your mum was stuck in a rut and depressed with the situation she was in to. Especially since she did get better in the long run?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There are always married men threads running, judgement, revoltion etc.

I for one have always taken a dim view.

However.....

That something was our parents being in love. Yes they cared for one another but neither were happy, not really.

My sister and I used to whisper about divorce whenever our parents talked in private - we thought that was the convo they were having. This was from around aged 7.

My dad was a hard worker who provided everything for us. The mother barely lifted a finger, didn't work and took him for granted terribly.

He was "lucky" to get a cooked meal when he came home from work, he sometimes worked 2 days straight. No thanks, no appreciation.

Fast forward 11 years.

They still share a home.

They're both miserable as sin, yet they carry on doing the habitual things together (well, the food shop once a week)

My dad has slept on the armchair downstairs for the last 5 years at least.

The mother still doesn't lift a finger or work.

I'm now 18, and myself and my dad have an open talk at about 1am. He confides in me that it's time. He's leaving.

He told me he had been seeing someone else for the 2 years.

I was elated! Finally my dad would be happy

The mother (yes, my mum) in my view took advantage of my dads good nature and values for many many years, she wasn't the greatest mum, but my God she was an awful wife.

Fast forward 24 years.

I guess my writing here is to tell others that not all "married men" are cunts.... my dad certainly wasn't and everyone is happy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

The question I would suggest anyone married on here should ask themselves is this - if your partner knew 100% how you felt, what you thought, what you want, even hat you do - would they actually want to stay with you??

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you peach. Moving eloquent and just made me cry....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I quite liked reading that

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider."

Absolutely. Which is why I was trying to say you really can’t tar everyone with the same brush. You just can’t. But so many people do and it really really annoys me x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *inkyLondonpairCouple
over a year ago

London

"Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider."

The great tragedy in all this is the utter inability many people in relationships have in communicating with each other.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider.

The great tragedy in all this is the utter inability many people in relationships have in communicating with each other. "

Yes, I can agree wholeheartedly there.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It just goes to show doesnt it?

Most people dont cheat because theyre all cunts.

Im not a cunt. Im actually a very nice person to those who deserve to see my nice side.

I have my reasons for doing what i do. My husband has reasons for doing what he does!

Its like saying that an ugly person on the outside must be ugly on the inside as you are judging purely on what you can see and not what you know.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider.

The great tragedy in all this is the utter inability many people in relationships have in communicating with each other.

Yes, I can agree wholeheartedly there."

And communicating honestly too I would say - I do not agree with the adversorial dance I hear about so much.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"It sounds like your mum was stuck in a rut and depressed with the situation she was in to. Especially since she did get better in the long run? "

I lived with her for 19 years. She was lazy, entitled and believed she was right about everything. Her attitude stank.

She was very much "my way or the highway" my dad did everything he could to create a happy environment and she took it all for granted giving nothing back.

He kept her (and my nan - the mothers mother lived with us too) and neither of them did anything apart from take take take. The housework was done by me and my sister.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thanks for writing a different perspective Peach, makes for an interesting read, some of which I can relate to.

Not all relationships are black & white, not all of those who cheat are heartless selfish people who only think of themselves and their needs.

I think it’s always easier to look at other relationships and say what you think should happen but without knowing the actual dynamics between those involved, what might be happening could just be the best solution for the whole family unit at that time.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There are always married men threads running, judgement, revoltion etc.

I for one have always taken a dim view.

However.....

That something was our parents being in love. Yes they cared for one another but neither were happy, not really.

My sister and I used to whisper about divorce whenever our parents talked in private - we thought that was the convo they were having. This was from around aged 7.

My dad was a hard worker who provided everything for us. The mother barely lifted a finger, didn't work and took him for granted terribly.

He was "lucky" to get a cooked meal when he came home from work, he sometimes worked 2 days straight. No thanks, no appreciation.

Fast forward 11 years.

They still share a home.

They're both miserable as sin, yet they carry on doing the habitual things together (well, the food shop once a week)

My dad has slept on the armchair downstairs for the last 5 years at least.

The mother still doesn't lift a finger or work.

I'm now 18, and myself and my dad have an open talk at about 1am. He confides in me that it's time. He's leaving.

He told me he had been seeing someone else for the 2 years.

I was elated! Finally my dad would be happy

The mother (yes, my mum) in my view took advantage of my dads good nature and values for many many years, she wasn't the greatest mum, but my God she was an awful wife.

Fast forward 24 years.

I guess my writing here is to tell others that not all "married men" are cunts.... my dad certainly wasn't and everyone is happy.

Hats off to him my real dad hasn't done 1% of what urs has my stepdad though he's a gem I wouldn't feel guilty though, make up for his kindness when he's old and needs your help he will at some point

again many kudos to him.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"It sounds like your mum was stuck in a rut and depressed with the situation she was in to. Especially since she did get better in the long run?

I lived with her for 19 years. She was lazy, entitled and believed she was right about everything. Her attitude stank.

She was very much "my way or the highway" my dad did everything he could to create a happy environment and she took it all for granted giving nothing back.

He kept her (and my nan - the mothers mother lived with us too) and neither of them did anything apart from take take take. The housework was done by me and my sister.

Sounds very narcissistic.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

"There are always married men threads running, judgement, revoltion etc.

I for one have always taken a dim view.

However.....

That something was our parents being in love. Yes they cared for one another but neither were happy, not really.

My sister and I used to whisper about divorce whenever our parents talked in private - we thought that was the convo they were having. This was from around aged 7.

My dad was a hard worker who provided everything for us. The mother barely lifted a finger, didn't work and took him for granted terribly.

He was "lucky" to get a cooked meal when he came home from work, he sometimes worked 2 days straight. No thanks, no appreciation.

Fast forward 11 years.

They still share a home.

They're both miserable as sin, yet they carry on doing the habitual things together (well, the food shop once a week)

My dad has slept on the armchair downstairs for the last 5 years at least.

The mother still doesn't lift a finger or work.

I'm now 18, and myself and my dad have an open talk at about 1am. He confides in me that it's time. He's leaving.

He told me he had been seeing someone else for the 2 years.

I was elated! Finally my dad would be happy

The mother (yes, my mum) in my view took advantage of my dads good nature and values for many many years, she wasn't the greatest mum, but my God she was an awful wife.

Fast forward 24 years.

I guess my writing here is to tell others that not all "married men" are cunts.... my dad certainly wasn't and everyone is happy.

Sounds like my story.. apart from the remarried bit

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well said and also "the other woman" isn't always some home wrecking witch

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *inkyLondonpairCouple
over a year ago

London

"Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider.

The great tragedy in all this is the utter inability many people in relationships have in communicating with each other.

Yes, I can agree wholeheartedly there.

And communicating honestly too I would say - I do not agree with the adversorial dance I hear about so much."

You have to both start from the perspective that the other person is a good person (otherwise why are you in a relationship with them) who wants the best for both of you.

I've been in relationships where it's been all about one up manship and getting the moral high ground. Never again.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This thread is a refreshing change. Some women will be checking there feminist rule book, trying to find an answer to turn this round so the man comes out of it looking bad and not the woman.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider.

Absolutely. Which is why I was trying to say you really can’t tar everyone with the same brush. You just can’t. But so many people do and it really really annoys me x"
grey is the colour

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider."

Oh I 100% think that he should have gone sooner. I believe all parties should be given the chance of as many years of happiness as possible.

I'd much rather have grown up with 2 happy parents that lived separately, albeit in houses that weren't as nice/big as the one we had.

He let her buy him out of the house btw.... for what they got the mortgage for back in 1977. Now that's a deal!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"Reading the other thread I thought of another 'different perspective'.

Or are you in fact stealing years from them under false pretenses, and preventing them from finding the happy fulfilling lifelong love they deserve?

Difficult questions, many perspectives to consider.

Oh I 100% think that he should have gone sooner. I believe all parties should be given the chance of as many years of happiness as possible.

I'd much rather have grown up with 2 happy parents that lived separately, albeit in houses that weren't as nice/big as the one we had.

He let her buy him out of the house btw.... for what they got the mortgage for back in 1977. Now that's a deal! "

A real giver....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Having been the wife at home whose husband had an affair I can see both sides! I was devastated, angry, jealous and hurt. I wanted to hurt and I wanted to cause problems for them! Thankfully I chose not to though!! I'm now several years down the line.....they are still together, happy with 2 children together. They have never let my kids down and they are both great parents to them which is all I can ask. I had to let it go and think of the bigger picture which was my kids, my future happiness and my sanity!!

I have also looked back at the state of our marriage and realise now that it was probably never right. We were together for the kids really! I always assumed things would get "better" when the kids grew up but in reality the distance between us and the lack of communication had already killed our marriage!...he just dealt with the demise of it differently! My kids now have 2 happy homes, 2 happy parents and half siblings that they love!

Had my ex not had his affair and left we would still be unhappy and stuck in an unfulfilled marriage!

Ultimately we can't help who we meet and fall in love with.....even if you don't intend it to be that way sometimes things just are what they are. No one has the right to judge anyone else for the life choices they make! xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Well said and also "the other woman" isn't always some home wrecking witch "

My step mum wasn't. She was a woman who loves my dad dearly. Yes we've had our spats, but that's life.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Having been the wife at home whose husband had an affair I can see both sides! I was devastated, angry, jealous and hurt. I wanted to hurt and I wanted to cause problems for them! Thankfully I chose not to though!! I'm now several years down the line.....they are still together, happy with 2 children together. They have never let my kids down and they are both great parents to them which is all I can ask. I had to let it go and think of the bigger picture which was my kids, my future happiness and my sanity!!

Had my ex not had his affair and left we would still be unhappy and stuck in an unfulfilled marriage!

Thank you for sharing x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Thanks for writing a different perspective Peach, makes for an interesting read, some of which I can relate to.

Not all relationships are black & white, not all of those who cheat are heartless selfish people who only think of themselves and their needs.

Yep.

And as I say, I'm guilty of judging, when really I shouldn't have.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for writing a different perspective Peach, makes for an interesting read, some of which I can relate to.

Not all relationships are black & white, not all of those who cheat are heartless selfish people who only think of themselves and their needs.

Yep.

And as I say, I'm guilty of judging, when really I shouldn't have."

I think we are all guilty of that at times!! Sometimes we just need to take a step back and see things from all different angles!!....not always easy though!!

Great thread...been refreshing to read! x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"This thread is a refreshing change. Some women will be checking there feminist rule book, trying to find an answer to turn this round so the man comes out of it looking bad and not the woman. "

I'm not saying my dad was perfect, he wasn't. He could have left sooner and given both of them the chance at happiness earlier on in their lives. I understand why he didn't though.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *haremoreMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"There are always married men threads running, judgement, revoltion etc.

I for one have always taken a dim view.

However.....

That something was our parents being in love. Yes they cared for one another but neither were happy, not really.

My sister and I used to whisper about divorce whenever our parents talked in private - we thought that was the convo they were having. This was from around aged 7.

My dad was a hard worker who provided everything for us. The mother barely lifted a finger, didn't work and took him for granted terribly.

He was "lucky" to get a cooked meal when he came home from work, he sometimes worked 2 days straight. No thanks, no appreciation.

Fast forward 11 years.

They still share a home.

They're both miserable as sin, yet they carry on doing the habitual things together (well, the food shop once a week)

My dad has slept on the armchair downstairs for the last 5 years at least.

The mother still doesn't lift a finger or work.

I'm now 18, and myself and my dad have an open talk at about 1am. He confides in me that it's time. He's leaving.

He told me he had been seeing someone else for the 2 years.

I was elated! Finally my dad would be happy

The mother (yes, my mum) in my view took advantage of my dads good nature and values for many many years, she wasn't the greatest mum, but my God she was an awful wife.

Fast forward 24 years.

I guess my writing here is to tell others that not all "married men" are cunts.... my dad certainly wasn't and everyone is happy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Thank you peach. Moving eloquent and just made me cry...."

Just saying it as it is.

*passes tissue*

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

High Fives PP XX

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"High Fives PP XX "

Cheers beaut.

People think they know the shizzle, people see things from one view and the picture they build.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rincess peach OP Woman
over a year ago

shits creek

"It just goes to show doesnt it?

Most people dont cheat because theyre all cunts.

Im not a cunt. Im actually a very nice person to those who deserve to see my nice side.

I have my reasons for doing what i do. My husband has reasons for doing what he does!

Its like saying that an ugly person on the outside must be ugly on the inside as you are judging purely on what you can see and not what you know."

It may sound odd, but I didn't feel like my dad was cheating at all. There wasn't animosity between them as such but there was definitely no affection. It really felt like my dad was a lodger who paid all the bills.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It just goes to show doesnt it?

Most people dont cheat because theyre all cunts.

Im not a cunt. Im actually a very nice person to those who deserve to see my nice side.

I have my reasons for doing what i do. My husband has reasons for doing what he does!

Its like saying that an ugly person on the outside must be ugly on the inside as you are judging purely on what you can see and not what you know.

You’ve seen first hand it’s not all Jeremy Kyle-like, screaming banshees and animosity~ your Dad & Mum just got on with doing what they had to do.x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

This is so reminiscent of my own marriage. I worked, she spent and had cake club. Recently my ex disclosed to my parents that she never realised how spoilt she was with me. (She is separating from her current husband.) Not only was i doing all the work but about 80% of the household stuff too. I did stray in my marriage but I was desperately unhappy. I only stayed as long as I did for our child (we split when she was 11)

Sometimes you are just with the wrong person. Except in some very special cases I would always say that you separate for a reason. Always look forward. Keep the past as fond memories.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread