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By *ittle_brat_evie!! OP   Woman
over a year ago

evesham

My sisters little boy who will be 7 next month has been asking a lot of questions recently about his real dad

The guy he calls dad has been with my sister since my nephew was 6 months old and loves him like his own.

The other night my nephew turned to him and said said 'my body is not ready to accept you as my family but I still live you' they have tried asking what he meant but he keeps saying it was a joke.

His real dad had never wanted to see him, and my sister has always been factual in her answers to her sons questions, keeping her feelings towards Jim out of it.

I know it is breaking her heart talking about it and worrying that it will damage the relationship between her son and his dad (her husband)

Does anyone know of any good sources of help I can point her to? Are there any good books aimed at children to help my nephew understand?

I personally feel that a lot of it had been triggered by the fact that he has a new sister (10 months old) so he is more aware of the fact that his dad isn't his dad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

am sorry i don't know any sources, but your sister is right to confront this whilst he is young, especially in that his sister is parented by his mum and the man who fulfills the paternal side of his upbringing.

my sister is adopted and i feel we have never been treated any different by mum and dad - she however has different ideas and thinks i was given breaks in life that she wasn't

i never think of her as being anything but my biologocal sister and when it is raised, it always takes me aback as my mind is just tuned to the fact that she is my sister and that mum and dad her conceived her in the same way that they conceived me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a similar problem with 1 of my children. What we told her was "Any man can father a child but it takes a special man to be a good dad". This helped her in the end to accept the love that she was being given...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My sisters little boy who will be 7 next month has been asking a lot of questions recently about his real dad

The guy he calls dad has been with my sister since my nephew was 6 months old and loves him like his own.

The other night my nephew turned to him and said said 'my body is not ready to accept you as my family but I still live you' they have tried asking what he meant but he keeps saying it was a joke.

His real dad had never wanted to see him, and my sister has always been factual in her answers to her sons questions, keeping her feelings towards Jim out of it.

I know it is breaking her heart talking about it and worrying that it will damage the relationship between her son and his dad (her husband)

Does anyone know of any good sources of help I can point her to? Are there any good books aimed at children to help my nephew understand?

I personally feel that a lot of it had been triggered by the fact that he has a new sister (10 months old) so he is more aware of the fact that his dad isn't his dad "

I don't get this. THe guy has been there since 6 months old, why would the child assume anything other than he was his biological father? He is his Dad, the other guy was merely a sperm-donor.

If I found I was adopted, nothing would change. I would have no interest in looking for someone I didn't know. Why do people make it so hard for themselves?

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By *ittle_brat_evie!! OP   Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"My sisters little boy who will be 7 next month has been asking a lot of questions recently about his real dad

The guy he calls dad has been with my sister since my nephew was 6 months old and loves him like his own.

The other night my nephew turned to him and said said 'my body is not ready to accept you as my family but I still live you' they have tried asking what he meant but he keeps saying it was a joke.

His real dad had never wanted to see him, and my sister has always been factual in her answers to her sons questions, keeping her feelings towards Jim out of it.

I know it is breaking her heart talking about it and worrying that it will damage the relationship between her son and his dad (her husband)

Does anyone know of any good sources of help I can point her to? Are there any good books aimed at children to help my nephew understand?

I personally feel that a lot of it had been triggered by the fact that he has a new sister (10 months old) so he is more aware of the fact that his dad isn't his dad

I don't get this. THe guy has been there since 6 months old, why would the child assume anything other than he was his biological father? He is his Dad, the other guy was merely a sperm-donor.

If I found I was adopted, nothing would change. I would have no interest in looking for someone I didn't know. Why do people make it so hard for themselves?"

Did you miss the part where I said he was nearly 7???

He knows about being adopted because he had heard stories about his mum living on her own with him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Didn't miss it at all. Just shows how many gob-shites are around him

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"Didn't miss it at all. Just shows how many gob-shites are around him"

Hang on, this guy loves the child like his own, however, he is not his biological father. Do you think he should go through life being decieved? Maybe they should have waited until his 21st birthday and then just "dropped it" on him. I think its important for children to know from a early as they can understand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Didn't miss it at all. Just shows how many gob-shites are around him"

Lying to children in these circumstances is detrimental to them. It can be devastating....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He isn't being 'deceived', the new guy IS his dad, the other is NOBODY. What's so hard to understand?

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"He isn't being 'deceived', the new guy IS his dad, the other is NOBODY. What's so hard to understand?"

Think its you thats not understanding, yes he is his dad, but hes not his biological father. Dont know if the childs natural father is on the birth certicicate or not but that would be a bit of a give away to the child. Also(hope to god not) what if the child got an inherited illness. I dont know any adopted children that dont know they adopted. In fact i just couldnt imagine lying to a child

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can't imagine lying to a child?

Guess you don't have any then?

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By *edangel_2013Woman
over a year ago

southend

I am the same, my Dad isn't my biological father. I found out when I was 9, and asked my mum if I was a bastard because my mum and dad weren't married when I was born. I was a bridesmaid for them.

It was then explained to me that my Dad wasn't the man that made me, that the one that did make me was the real bastard in the scenario.

I thought about it a bit, pushed my luck with my Dad, asked lots of questions, which were always answered truthfully. Eventually, the news wasn't that important, I knew who my Dad was, and that was all that mattered.

Yeah, it plays on my mind sometimes, I sometimes think about maybe tracing him. Especially recently when I had a health scare and knew none of my father's family history. I couldn't even have the whooping cough vaccination when I was small, because he refused to give my mum any health information about his side. But then I think fuck it, I've got this far without him.

It will be difficult for the little un to accept especially with a new baby around. It will be a difficult time for him. He may even want to find his natural Dad, all is natural. It might not be until he has a family of his own, but one day he will realise who was there for him in his childhood. His Dad just needs to be patient.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!! OP   Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Let's not feed the troll, thank you to those who have offered constructive advice on this situation x

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By *edhotminxWoman
over a year ago

Turn left at the Singing Ringing Tree

A good site is www.adoptionuk.org - full of good information. Am sure there will be some books on there that could help, as well as being to talk to other people in the same situation.

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

.

A friend of mine has a little girl who again, her real dad is not her biological dad.

Her mum became pregnant and we were talking about the birth and I asked if she was looking forward to having a baby sister.

Yes, she replied, but Daddy has to be her Daddy cos he put her in Mummys tummy. He chose me, aren't I lucky.

She wandered off, I looked at her mum and we both laughed and cried at the same time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you should ask the little one to write down all the things that he thinks a dad should be / do

and then they should sit down as a family and go through the list and check off everything that he has on the list with (step)dad

it might help him come to terms with it all

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

I know you didn't go through an adoption agency but they should be able to give you some help to answer his questions. Try Barnardo's.

My pal adopted 5 kids so I know it's not plain sailing either way.

He's at an age where he is beginning to understand. The school may be able to put you in touch with someone who can help.

good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

http://library.adoption.com/articles/what-children-understand-about-adoption-at-different-ages.html

http://parenting.adoption.com/parents/adoption-and-the-stages-of-development.html

http://adoption.about.com/od/guidereviews/fr/whatisadoption.htm

http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/facts/childrens-books-about-adoption/

just a quick search on google there . hope it helps .

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"You can't imagine lying to a child?

Guess you don't have any then?"

My son is a 21 year old well adjusted young man, yes ive told white lies to him over the years about trivial stuff. Have i ever lied to him about something serious or important then i can put my hand on my heart and say no.

You seem to be looking for an argument as you obviously seem to have no understanding of a childs mind.

Evesham was looking for some constructive advice and she as recieved it from all but you on this thread.

I wont be replying anymore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You can't imagine lying to a child?

Guess you don't have any then?"

its ok you lying to a child but how do you get everyone else you know to lie to them?

How can a child go thro life never knowing his father isnt his real father, if you didnt tell them someone else would, surely its better coming for the childs parents?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My father is not my natural father, but the man who loved me and raised me. It was never kept secret from me but made it all the more special knowing he chose to raise my sister and I as his own.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was told at 5 the man thati loved dearly and was bringing me up was not my dad. From that second i did EVERY thing i could to upset him and make him dislike me. Everytime i was told of i told him he had no right as he wasnt my dad.

Now i'm older i feel guilty but no matter how much i love this man i could never make up for all the hurt i caused him while growing up.

He bought me up he is my DAD.

I have never suched for my real dad although it does go through my mind.

Can i just say that little ears can hear at a thousand paces and things you think they havnt heard they really have xxxx

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham

Having taught around your nephews age this is a time when they start to realise family structures exist and vary. It is very common at this age to have nightmares about parents dying for example.

The birth of the sister will also be raising normal sibling worries(do they love her more) and resentment(why cant i run round the house playing war when baby is sleeping)

He is probably feeling unsure of his role, which would happen anyway, and the fact he knows sis was different to him may be worrying him,there may be an element of mum ,dad and sis being the real family and him being the interloper.

His comment suggests he is aware ppl walk away from families, has he perhaps been told his dad left him?

Away from the step parent issue he needs to have the idea he is still loved and wanted reinforced, one way this can be done is to point out Daddy chose him...with sis there was no choice.

Has his dad actually considered adopting him...this could provide a wonderful reassurance.

The only book i used was "i dont have your eyes" a nice story book,but that is about a child with two adoptive parents.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just a thought, I know my kids did a family tree at school around that age. Has he been doing this and has anyone at school made comments about it?

Perhaps that is where the comment he made has sprung from?

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple
over a year ago

hexham


"Just a thought, I know my kids did a family tree at school around that age. Has he been doing this and has anyone at school made comments about it?

Perhaps that is where the comment he made has sprung from? "

Schools do cover families in yrs 1 and 2, so this might be the case.

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