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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "Highlighting it seems a strange thing to do to me but we all have our own ways of dealing with it I suppose. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Highlighting it seems a strange thing to do to me but we all have our own ways of dealing with it I suppose."When there is no-one to talk to immediately, sometimes it helps to write it down. Sometimes you get support, sometimes you don't | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Highlighting it seems a strange thing to do to me but we all have our own ways of dealing with it I suppose.
When there is no-one to talk to immediately, sometimes it helps to write it down.
Sometimes you get support, sometimes you don't "There's no set time limit xx | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. " I don't need to hide my profile, I'm happily meeting people, I was just expressing a feeling that comes and goes sometimes  | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. " Are grief and looking for someone mutually exclusive concepts? There can be something intensely comforting in meeting someone and having a connection. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Highlighting it seems a strange thing to do to me but we all have our own ways of dealing with it I suppose.
When there is no-one to talk to immediately, sometimes it helps to write it down.
Sometimes you get support, sometimes you don't
There's no set time limit xx"It's not all consuming, but it's 3 months since my loss and some people seem to think that grief should be "over" by now | |||
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"No time limit can be put on grief, I don't believe you ever stop grieving. You learn to live without that person that's all. I lost my Dad 22 years ago, and sometimes it is still raw." That is exactly what I mean. It's not frequent, but some days it just "catches" me | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on. Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest? Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it. | |||
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"Grief is a personal thing. No one can truly understand another's grief. People should be supportive and understand others may go through things differently to themselves. Understanding and compassion are they keys. " I don't even ask for it, but there are a few people I know who say I should be over it. In three months? I don't think so... | |||
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"You're absolutely right OP. You need to work through this how you see fit. " I tend to be okay most of the time now, it's just every now and then... | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. I don't need to hide my profile, I'm happily meeting people, I was just expressing a feeling that comes and goes sometimes "No offence meant... Nobody should be telling you you should be over it. Emotions creep up on you. Just go with it, good or bad day. There is lots of support out there if you look. Speaking to someone you don't know can really help. | |||
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"Grief is a personal thing. No one can truly understand another's grief. People should be supportive and understand others may go through things differently to themselves. Understanding and compassion are they keys. I don't even ask for it, but there are a few people I know who say I should be over it. In three months? I don't think so... " Some people get over it in 3 months and some may never get over a loss. I miss my dad, but now I seem to remember more of the funny and daft things he and we did. | |||
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he passed so quickly I didn’t have chance to say goodbye.
Unfortunately some people can’t handle others emotions so they would rather you did just get over it for their own sake
What I have learn is that you don’t get over it, you just learn to live with it. This may sound weird but I have made a box in my mind and I keep it closed while at work, and every now and again I will have a peek inside and remember the good times we had and how much he meant to me  | |||
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"Who is telling you that? If they are family tell them to fuck off and stop dictating to you how you should be feeling. If they are friends stop seeing them and tell them why. I'll grieve and cry for my mum for as long as I want to. I still have bad days over my dad and sister who died 25 and 19 years ago. " It's not family thank goodness. I understand completely | |||
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"Grief takes time and it is down to the individual. Take it as you need to, no one else can tell you how long it may take. And do what you want and need. Distractions, unexpected ears found in usual places, are equally as good if not better than abstaining from meets." The older I get the harder each bereavement has become ... More memories I guess | |||
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"Tell them to f**k off. There are various stages of grief that we all work through differently. Some never do. Take time for you. Be kind to yourself. Who cares what others think " Thank you | |||
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"It frightens people so they want to think it's quickly overcome. Years ago my friends father died and she was very angry with her mum because after about two months she hadn't "got over it". I think she saw her own grief reflected back at her and couldn't bear it. " That's really sad to read but I understand it | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it."I disagree entirely, grief and loss are totally personal concepts, it's important to work through emotions in a way which is healthy for you, not at a speed which makes others comfortable. If someone couldnt handle supporting me through grief then I wouldn't want to be around them. Grief is a process which takes as long as it takes | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it."But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ... | |||
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"No time limit can be put on grief, I don't believe you ever stop grieving. You learn to live without that person that's all. I lost my Dad 22 years ago, and sometimes it is still raw." This totally I used to volunteer with the charity Cruse and u suffered several family bereavements. You think you have a grip on it and then it suddenly rears its head. I have 2 anniversaries coming up next month which i know will bring it all back. There is no time limit and i think the death of someone v close to you changes you forever. Pm me if you need a chat op ,sending love xx | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. I don't need to hide my profile, I'm happily meeting people, I was just expressing a feeling that comes and goes sometimes
No offence meant...
Nobody should be telling you you should be over it.
Emotions creep up on you.
Just go with it, good or bad day.
There is lots of support out there if you look. Speaking to someone you don't know can really help. "I have spoken to a Doctor and CRUSE. | |||
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"Grief is a personal thing. No one can truly understand another's grief. People should be supportive and understand others may go through things differently to themselves. Understanding and compassion are they keys. I don't even ask for it, but there are a few people I know who say I should be over it. In three months? I don't think so... Some people get over it in 3 months and some may never get over a loss. I miss my dad, but now I seem to remember more of the funny and daft things he and we did." And I do this 90% of the time too | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ... "She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state. You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better. Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness | |||
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"No one ever has to ‘get over’ another persons death but in my experience you need to be able to learn to accept it, live with it and to some extent move on from it. It will ebb and flow, some days life will feel normal and other days you’ll feel like it was only yesterday the person passed. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, it’s your grief, it’s personal to you, you’re living with it. Tell them to stick their opinions where the sun doesn’t shine! " This  | |||
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"I still grieve over my partner, there are times when I am scrolling through my pics and one of him pops up and it feels like a physical body blow he passed so quickly I didn’t have chance to say goodbye.
Unfortunately some people can’t handle others emotions so they would rather you did just get over it for their own sake
What I have learn is that you don’t get over it, you just learn to live with it. This may sound weird but I have made a box in my mind and I keep it closed while at work, and every now and again I will have a peek inside and remember the good times we had and how much he meant to me "I'm so sorry to read this, mine was a relative who was older, that must be truly heartbreaking for you | |||
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"No one ever has to ‘get over’ another persons death but in my experience you need to be able to learn to accept it, live with it and to some extent move on from it. It will ebb and flow, some days life will feel normal and other days you’ll feel like it was only yesterday the person passed. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, it’s your grief, it’s personal to you, you’re living with it. Tell them to stick their opinions where the sun doesn’t shine! " I feel like telling them sometimes but it's not me... | |||
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"Everybody is different, you take as long as you need. My friend committed suicide a couple of years ago, that still hurts as I only saw him 2 days before he took his own life and I was banned from his funeral. Not a day goes by where I don't wait for a text coming in. You grieve how long you want in the ways you want. Sorry for your loss x" Thank you x | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "You’re right, you can’t...tell them alll to fcuk off. Everyone deals with things differently and they’ve never been through it if they think you can just “get over it”. Not saying it’ll help but I learnt that whilst it’s still a negative emotion that really hurts, grief is the love that can no longer be returned. It won’t ever pass, we learn to live with it in time. Love and thoughts xx | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
I disagree entirely, grief and loss are totally personal concepts, it's important to work through emotions in a way which is healthy for you, not at a speed which makes others comfortable.
If someone couldnt handle supporting me through grief then I wouldn't want to be around them.
Grief is a process which takes as long as it takes" | |||
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"No time limit can be put on grief, I don't believe you ever stop grieving. You learn to live without that person that's all. I lost my Dad 22 years ago, and sometimes it is still raw. This totally I used to volunteer with the charity Cruse and u suffered several family bereavements. You think you have a grip on it and then it suddenly rears its head. I have 2 anniversaries coming up next month which i know will bring it all back. There is no time limit and i think the death of someone v close to you changes you forever. Pm me if you need a chat op ,sending love xx " Thank you x | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. " People can grieve and still have sex. If that wasn't the case I wouldn't have seen my long term partner a few days before I buried my mum. He makes me feel better. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness"Well I'm sorry but after just three months there is no way I can "get over it". I'm a kind hearted person who feels and I can't switch it off. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
You’re right, you can’t...tell them alll to fcuk off. Everyone deals with things differently and they’ve never been through it if they think you can just “get over it”.
Not saying it’ll help but I learnt that whilst it’s still a negative emotion that really hurts, grief is the love that can no longer be returned. It won’t ever pass, we learn to live with it in time.
Love and thoughts xx"That's really lovely, thank you x | |||
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"There is no time limit on grief, and we all deal with it in different ways There are several days over the year, the run up to a date, the actual day, days after, that I hate the world & everything in it. There's others where you'd never know I was hurting, I'm trying to remember the good times. Sometimes something will happen totaly out of the blue, a memory, passing a place or seeing something that reminds me of that person & completely knock me for 6. Grief is not rational Sending you hugs my lovely xx " This is exactly what is happening with me ... 100% Thank you xx | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "I hear you ! I have been listening the same from people . Most lost patience and understanding for me and don’t even contact me or speak to me anymore . It s been 3 and half years since I lost my dad but it hit me hard. I withdrew from everyone and really struggle . I am not the same person and it feels like a big part of me is gone with him. It’s hard to expain to others pain you feel . Everyone is different and yes I hate that people put time scale on grief. Take a look at the Kübler-Ross change curve. She describes it so well with 5 stages of grief. I am still at the denial stage and I feel comfortable here . I feel if I move from this stage it will hit me even harder and I don’t know if I will be strong enough to cope. | |||
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"According to Elizabeth Kubler Ross there are 5 stages to grief, the last one being acceptance, that form part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. They are tools to help us identify what we may be feeling but they are not stops on some linear ti_eline in grief. There is no time limit to grief only the fact that we have to take each day as it comes in the hope that each day it becomes a little easier." My head directs me sensibly most of the time but my heart hurts sometimes too | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally " Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
I hear you !
I have been listening the same from people .
Most lost patience and understanding for me and don’t even contact me or speak to me anymore .
It s been 3 and half years since I lost my dad but it hit me hard. I withdrew from everyone and really struggle .
I am not the same person and it feels like a big part of me is gone with him.
It’s hard to expain to others pain you feel . Everyone is different and yes I hate that people put time scale on grief.
Take a look at the Kübler-Ross change curve. She describes it so well with 5 stages of grief.
I am still at the denial stage and I feel comfortable here . I feel if I move from this stage it will hit me even harder and I don’t know if I will be strong enough to cope.
"I think I should have a look you're the second person to mention that Sending you hugs x | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
I hear you !
I have been listening the same from people .
Most lost patience and understanding for me and don’t even contact me or speak to me anymore .
It s been 3 and half years since I lost my dad but it hit me hard. I withdrew from everyone and really struggle .
I am not the same person and it feels like a big part of me is gone with him.
It’s hard to expain to others pain you feel . Everyone is different and yes I hate that people put time scale on grief.
Take a look at the Kübler-Ross change curve. She describes it so well with 5 stages of grief.
I am still at the denial stage and I feel comfortable here . I feel if I move from this stage it will hit me even harder and I don’t know if I will be strong enough to cope.
"Are you having counselling? | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen?" Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ... | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness
Well I'm sorry but after just three months there is no way I can "get over it". I'm a kind hearted person who feels and I can't switch it off."Three months is barely enough time to accept what’s happened. I still miss my Dad after 13 years and a close friend who passed away 3 years ago. We miss those we loved the most. Yes time is a healer but being told that doesn’t help. Inside your heart is breaking while others go about their daily lives. We still talk about my Dad and about the things we did and the things he did with my kids. They’re old enough to remember him. The person you lost may be gone physically but they do still live on in your memories and in your heart. We all have our own way of dealing with grief. There is no right or wrong way or ti_eline. Hugs x | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness"I think it's a very selfish thing to try and force someone to change how they're thinking or feeling just because how that person is feeling is making others uncomfortable, or because others deem that their 'time is up'. Others can't tell you how to feel or what it's acceptable to feel. To my mind its a very 'male' approach and smacks of the 'man up' line which has led to so much toxic masculinity. | |||
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"According to Elizabeth Kubler Ross there are 5 stages to grief, the last one being acceptance, that form part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. They are tools to help us identify what we may be feeling but they are not stops on some linear ti_eline in grief. There is no time limit to grief only the fact that we have to take each day as it comes in the hope that each day it becomes a little easier." I was recommended this and it helped a lot | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ..." Yes, tell them to fuck off and mind their own business. | |||
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"I’ve found that some people can’t seem to cope with others loss & grief, maybe it scares them I don’t know. These are the ones that think grief should have a time limit. The “1st of everything” is really really hard and certain trigger points where you catch yourself wanting to talk to them about something and realise you can’t do that anymore. I also found around the 3 year mark the grief kicked in hard again, possibly because I finally accepted the loss and felt a bit guilty for moving on so to speak. Be kind to yourself and be with people that are quietly in the background supporting you. xx" I understand that so much. The first Xmas was bad enough. I'm just going to try to keep on as I am doing because I genuinely don't feel I am doing so bad and after reading the replies on here I think I probably am right Thank you x | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "You should tell them to fuck off. You are right, grief has no time switch, you will go through your pain at your own pace... Sometimes I wish people could just remain silent.  | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness"Personally I find that kind of mentality when it comes to dealing with grief extremely hurtful, destructive and damaging. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness
Well I'm sorry but after just three months there is no way I can "get over it". I'm a kind hearted person who feels and I can't switch it off.
Three months is barely enough time to accept what’s happened. I still miss my Dad after 13 years and a close friend who passed away 3 years ago. We miss those we loved the most. Yes time is a healer but being told that doesn’t help. Inside your heart is breaking while others go about their daily lives. We still talk about my Dad and about the things we did and the things he did with my kids. They’re old enough to remember him.
The person you lost may be gone physically but they do still live on in your memories and in your heart. We all have our own way of dealing with grief. There is no right or wrong way or ti_eline. Hugs x"Oh yes she does, and that sometimes makes it harder. I have her photos everywhere too and 90% of the time it's okay but... You know  | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ..." I wonder why those one or two affect you so greatly, if most people are supportive? Can you lessen their impact on your thinking in some way? | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness
I think it's a very selfish thing to try and force someone to change how they're thinking or feeling just because how that person is feeling is making others uncomfortable, or because others deem that their 'time is up'.
Others can't tell you how to feel or what it's acceptable to feel.
To my mind its a very 'male' approach and smacks of the 'man up' line which has led to so much toxic masculinity." | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ... Yes, tell them to fuck off and mind their own business. " I would if I could  | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
You should tell them to fuck off. You are right, grief has no time switch, you will go through your pain at your own pace... Sometimes I wish people could just remain silent. "The lady I lost used to say "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness
I think it's a very selfish thing to try and force someone to change how they're thinking or feeling just because how that person is feeling is making others uncomfortable, or because others deem that their 'time is up'.
Others can't tell you how to feel or what it's acceptable to feel.
To my mind its a very 'male' approach and smacks of the 'man up' line which has led to so much toxic masculinity." maybe if there was less “manning up” in society more men would be able to seek alternative ways to be helped... | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ... I wonder why those one or two affect you so greatly, if most people are supportive? Can you lessen their impact on your thinking in some way?" I think it's probably because they are so vocal and take the piss out of me ... I can be sensitive with things like that annoyingly  | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
You should tell them to fuck off. You are right, grief has no time switch, you will go through your pain at your own pace... Sometimes I wish people could just remain silent.
The lady I lost used to say "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" "That is true... | |||
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"There are 2 about grief that are absolutely certain ..... and this applies to any grief not just the death of a loved one. - you cannot cheat that grief curve ... if you think you can force yourself through it, you can’t and you’ll end up right back at the beginning again. - others don’t akways understand it. Even those who have experienced it. This is because no two experiences are the same. Yours is unique to you. Don’t tell them to fuck off (they may be insensitive but they are still in your life). You could just explain you’re not there yet and ask them not to talk about it. Only you know how you’re dealing with it, but deal with it you must. Seek out distractions when you need them (here is a good distraction) and let yourself wallow when you need that too, but don’t let that take you over. Talk to people who can listen without needing to reply. And remember in all this that grief helps us get through it and come out the other side. V x " Thank you x | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ... I wonder why those one or two affect you so greatly, if most people are supportive? Can you lessen their impact on your thinking in some way? I think it's probably because they are so vocal and take the piss out of me ... I can be sensitive with things like that annoyingly "I know that no one would wish ill on others.but they'd be careful if the boot was on the other foot and they were in your position | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "Do you mean people on Fab or in the vanilla world ? | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ... I wonder why those one or two affect you so greatly, if most people are supportive? Can you lessen their impact on your thinking in some way? I think it's probably because they are so vocal and take the piss out of me ... I can be sensitive with things like that annoyingly
I know that no one would wish ill on others.but they'd be careful if the boot was on the other foot and they were in your position"I try to understand them but it's difficult | |||
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"Everyone is different, take Ads brother for example he is very much ‘they aren’t here anymore’ which I find strange but that’s the way he copes but the other side of the coin in Ads ain’t, she lost her son just over two years ago to mental health and for a few weeks she appears ok then on Facebook she will be consumed by grief for a few weeks, posting photos of him etc and while that grief will never go away posting things the way she does I don’t think is helping her because the more she posts the less people are saying they are thinking of her and she gets all upset because she can see others moving on, yet she is still in a limbo but at the same time, she posts very regularly about it and I think some people do think ‘how many times can you say you are thinking of her etc?’ Which is horrible because obviously as family it’s different for us, we’ve all been through it with her and her grief is much more intense then say her sisters because it was her son. If it’s helping her to cope then I’m all for it but if she’s getting upset that people aren’t interacting with her so much then it can’t be. Ads and I were criticised after it happened that we didn’t go to see her straight away but she had so many people around her, like so so many people we decided that we would be there for her when things die down and she probably is left alone and she needs some new faces, so that’s what we did, we made sure we were there to support her when everyone else started to get on with their life. Everyone is different, everyone copes in a different way and if you want to talk about that person you should be allowed too. I know it’s not the same but when my marriage ended for example, it was like there was a death and it took be along time to get over, I mourned my marriage ending and I took as long as I needed, you will have good days and then the bad. Always here if you want to talk about their life or your grief. Geeky x" Thank you x | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Do you mean people on Fab or in the vanilla world ?"It's a few people I work with | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ... Yes, tell them to fuck off and mind their own business. I would if I could ".Do it!! | |||
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Grief is bloody tough and really personal, the last thing you need is those who add additional argh to your life. Take as long as you need/want to - the day will come when it's a lot more manageable. | |||
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"I lost my dad a year ago on Thursday. I will never get over it. A big part of me died with him. Luckily I have my 2 daughters to keep me busy. " I try to hope that she is reunited with the two babies I lost... | |||
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"Who tells you this? People I work with generally Well then it is hard. Sometimes people struggle to empathise with something they don't understand. And work colleagues might lack the patience, especially in a work environment. I am sorry for your loss, could you explain that everybody deals with grief differently- would they listen? Most of my colleagues have been absolutely 100% wonderful (and still are) but I guess it's the usual situation that there will always be one or two who go against the majority. I don't like to say anything to people because I'm just not made that way. Maybe I should toughen up a bit, I don't know ... Yes, tell them to fuck off and mind their own business. I would if I could .
Do it!! "Can you come over and help me? I'm not good at doing g it on my own  | |||
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"I'd echo the telling people to fuck off - even if you write a letter saying that and then rip it up, it still feels like you have.
Grief is bloody tough and really personal, the last thing you need is those who add additional argh to your life. Take as long as you need/want to - the day will come when it's a lot more manageable."Thank you x | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
You should tell them to fuck off. You are right, grief has no time switch, you will go through your pain at your own pace... Sometimes I wish people could just remain silent.
The lady I lost used to say "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" "Well maybe that’s how to address it - tell this to those who are pressuring you. You never ‘get over’ it. You learn to live with the gap, like looking at a jigsaw with a piece missing. You can still see the picture, despite the hole in the middle. Some of the comments above I would echo. Grief is just love with no outlet. It is the price of love. Ask yourself if you would rather have not had that loving relationship, in order to avoid the grief. When you look at it like that, the grief seems to make more sense. You’ve had this person in your life for many years. Is it realistic for anyone to expect you to adjust to not having them in just 3 months? The answer is no, and you’ll probably find that the people saying this have never been through the loss of someone this important. The Kubler-Ross grief curve is well worth looking at. Also bear in mind, once you’re on that curve, you never leave it. You don’t start it and end it. You slide back & forth for the rest of your life. And that’s ok, because the love for that person remains. I will never ‘get over’ losing my parents. After 7 years, I have accepted it, but sometimes I get angry about it still. Sometimes one or both are in a dream, and it’s so vivid that when I wake up, there’s that split second before it hits me that they’re gone - and then it started all over again. But I had the most incredible parents for almost 40 years, & I wouldn’t swap it for the world. Oh, and to the idiot above who said to think of the person & would they want you to be sad ... that is singularly the worst thing to say to someone grieving the loss of a loved one. To have people tell me that I was effectively letting my parents down by grieving for them made me blood-boilingly angry, and still does! Don’t try to give advice on a topic you know nothing about! | |||
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"I lost my dad a year ago on Thursday. I will never get over it. A big part of me died with him. Luckily I have my 2 daughters to keep me busy. I try to hope that she is reunited with the two babies I lost..." Massive hugs to you xx | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
You should tell them to fuck off. You are right, grief has no time switch, you will go through your pain at your own pace... Sometimes I wish people could just remain silent.
The lady I lost used to say "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
Well maybe that’s how to address it - tell this to those who are pressuring you.
You never ‘get over’ it. You learn to live with the gap, like looking at a jigsaw with a piece missing. You can still see the picture, despite the hole in the middle.
Some of the comments above I would echo. Grief is just love with no outlet. It is the price of love. Ask yourself if you would rather have not had that loving relationship, in order to avoid the grief. When you look at it like that, the grief seems to make more sense.
You’ve had this person in your life for many years. Is it realistic for anyone to expect you to adjust to not having them in just 3 months? The answer is no, and you’ll probably find that the people saying this have never been through the loss of someone this important.
The Kubler-Ross grief curve is well worth looking at. Also bear in mind, once you’re on that curve, you never leave it. You don’t start it and end it. You slide back & forth for the rest of your life. And that’s ok, because the love for that person remains.
I will never ‘get over’ losing my parents. After 7 years, I have accepted it, but sometimes I get angry about it still. Sometimes one or both are in a dream, and it’s so vivid that when I wake up, there’s that split second before it hits me that they’re gone - and then it started all over again. But I had the most incredible parents for almost 40 years, & I wouldn’t swap it for the world.
Oh, and to the idiot above who said to think of the person & would they want you to be sad ... that is singularly the worst thing to say to someone grieving the loss of a loved one. To have people tell me that I was effectively letting my parents down by grieving for them made me blood-boilingly angry, and still does! Don’t try to give advice on a topic you know nothing about!"Thank you x | |||
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"I lost my dad a year ago on Thursday. I will never get over it. A big part of me died with him. Luckily I have my 2 daughters to keep me busy. I try to hope that she is reunited with the two babies I lost... Massive hugs to you xx" Thank you x | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "Tell them if that's how you feel. You've posted similar threads before about struggling with your grief. Have you looked any further into help for you? Not to spews up the process but to help you process it. Through things you've posted you seem to rely on time being the heakwr but sometimes it isn't. Sometimes people need help processing their feelings as it's not as simple as just feeling 'sad' | |||
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"Grief takes time and it is down to the individual. Take it as you need to, no one else can tell you how long it may take. And do what you want and need. Distractions, unexpected ears found in usual places, are equally as good if not better than abstaining from meets. The older I get the harder each bereavement has become ... More memories I guess " Yes. With time I've been able to appreciate the connections I've made, and anxiety part of ny head turns that into something larger amd worse. One can't get through life without love in it's many forms, and we have to be open to the possibility of losing that at any moment. It takes time to create memories, it will take time for them not to be raw. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "Good for you gal, good for you..., | |||
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"Grief takes time and it is down to the individual. Take it as you need to, no one else can tell you how long it may take. And do what you want and need. Distractions, unexpected ears found in usual places, are equally as good if not better than abstaining from meets. The older I get the harder each bereavement has become ... More memories I guess Yes. With time I've been able to appreciate the connections I've made, and anxiety part of ny head turns that into something larger amd worse. One can't get through life without love in it's many forms, and we have to be open to the possibility of losing that at any moment. It takes time to create memories, it will take time for them not to be raw." I know you're right. I think I am dealing with it ok most of the time, it's just people sticking their oar in telling me when I should be over it, or how I should deal with it is what makes it worse | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Good for you gal, good for you...,"I won't be telling them, I'm too polite for that even though sometimes I wish I wasn't | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off "Then tell them!!! But be prepared for the sympathetic looks, and the "I know you didn't mean that, it's the grief talking" response. Been there...done that! People don't want to face the inevitable and someone highlighting it makes them uncomfortable. All I can suggest is learn to compartmentalise your emotions. We do it to some extent on a daily basis - we have a professional and private face. Try and keep your grief for your own private moments, unless you have someone who the loss has affected equally to talk to. You never get over loss - you just learn to live with it. Give yourself time to grieve. It does get easier to bear. | |||
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"Tell them to f**k off. There are various stages of grief that we all work through differently. Some never do. Take time for you. Be kind to yourself. Who cares what others think " Exactly this, there's no time limit. Xx | |||
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"No time limit can be put on grief, I don't believe you ever stop grieving. You learn to live without that person that's all. I lost my Dad 22 years ago, and sometimes it is still raw." 29 years since I buried my son - there are moments - holding my grandsons, when the grief returns, it never goes. | |||
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"You don't actually have to use the words fuck off, but you can diplomatically tell them to back off. If they keep being vocal about your personal life you can take it to HR or your line manager or whoever. It's harassment in the work place. " I hadn't thought of it like that. Thanks x | |||
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"I think people who haven't experienced losing someone close just forget that you have assuming it's work colleagues etc saying thus to you. If it's family just twist that knife a bit more.....I'd be really upset!" No. We are supporting each other in the family ... It is some work colleagues | |||
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"Grief takes time and it is down to the individual. Take it as you need to, no one else can tell you how long it may take. And do what you want and need. Distractions, unexpected ears found in usual places, are equally as good if not better than abstaining from meets. The older I get the harder each bereavement has become ... More memories I guess Yes. With time I've been able to appreciate the connections I've made, and anxiety part of ny head turns that into something larger amd worse. One can't get through life without love in it's many forms, and we have to be open to the possibility of losing that at any moment. It takes time to create memories, it will take time for them not to be raw. I know you're right. I think I am dealing with it ok most of the time, it's just people sticking their oar in telling me when I should be over it, or how I should deal with it is what makes it worse "You are doing what you need, the best course of action, tell everyone else who butt in to fuck off. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Then tell them!!! But be prepared for the sympathetic looks, and the "I know you didn't mean that, it's the grief talking" response. Been there...done that!
People don't want to face the inevitable and someone highlighting it makes them uncomfortable. All I can suggest is learn to compartmentalise your emotions. We do it to some extent on a daily basis - we have a professional and private face. Try and keep your grief for your own private moments, unless you have someone who the loss has affected equally to talk to.
You never get over loss - you just learn to live with it. Give yourself time to grieve.
It does get easier to bear."This is not the first bereavement I have been through, I guess because we were so very close it's harder | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Good for you gal, good for you...,
I won't be telling them, I'm too polite for that even though sometimes I wish I wasn't "They're terribly insensitive. Could you tell them that? The next time they say something just say "That's very insensitive of you". Could they be clumsily expressing concern about your wellbeing? | |||
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"Tell them to f**k off. There are various stages of grief that we all work through differently. Some never do. Take time for you. Be kind to yourself. Who cares what others think Exactly this, there's no time limit. Xx" Thank you x | |||
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"It frightens people so they want to think it's quickly overcome. Years ago my friends father died and she was very angry with her mum because after about two months she hadn't "got over it". I think she saw her own grief reflected back at her and couldn't bear it. " Exactly! I've experienced this. | |||
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"Grief takes time and it is down to the individual. Take it as you need to, no one else can tell you how long it may take. And do what you want and need. Distractions, unexpected ears found in usual places, are equally as good if not better than abstaining from meets. The older I get the harder each bereavement has become ... More memories I guess Yes. With time I've been able to appreciate the connections I've made, and anxiety part of ny head turns that into something larger amd worse. One can't get through life without love in it's many forms, and we have to be open to the possibility of losing that at any moment. It takes time to create memories, it will take time for them not to be raw. I know you're right. I think I am dealing with it ok most of the time, it's just people sticking their oar in telling me when I should be over it, or how I should deal with it is what makes it worse
You are doing what you need, the best course of action, tell everyone else who butt in to fuck off.
"I wish I could, but I'm not made that way. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Good for you gal, good for you...,
I won't be telling them, I'm too polite for that even though sometimes I wish I wasn't
They're terribly insensitive. Could you tell them that? The next time they say something just say "That's very insensitive of you".
Could they be clumsily expressing concern about your wellbeing?"Sadly the people involved are probably not, but your suggestion might come in handy. Thanks | |||
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"According to Elizabeth Kubler Ross there are 5 stages to grief, the last one being acceptance, that form part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. They are tools to help us identify what we may be feeling but they are not stops on some linear ti_eline in grief. There is no time limit to grief only the fact that we have to take each day as it comes in the hope that each day it becomes a little easier. My head directs me sensibly most of the time but my heart hurts sometimes too " I was closer to my greatgrandfather than any other member of my family, he was my best friend and mentor. He died when i was 15 years old and there are times even now when i still grieve the loss. It can be a very long process but who has the right to tell me i should have gotten over it by now? | |||
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"According to Elizabeth Kubler Ross there are 5 stages to grief, the last one being acceptance, that form part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. They are tools to help us identify what we may be feeling but they are not stops on some linear ti_eline in grief. There is no time limit to grief only the fact that we have to take each day as it comes in the hope that each day it becomes a little easier. My head directs me sensibly most of the time but my heart hurts sometimes too I was closer to my greatgrandfather than any other member of my family, he was my best friend and mentor. He died when i was 15 years old and there are times even now when i still grieve the loss. It can be a very long process but who has the right to tell me i should have gotten over it by now?" I don't think you should and people shouldn't tell you as such either ... | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Then tell them!!! But be prepared for the sympathetic looks, and the "I know you didn't mean that, it's the grief talking" response. Been there...done that!
People don't want to face the inevitable and someone highlighting it makes them uncomfortable. All I can suggest is learn to compartmentalise your emotions. We do it to some extent on a daily basis - we have a professional and private face. Try and keep your grief for your own private moments, unless you have someone who the loss has affected equally to talk to.
You never get over loss - you just learn to live with it. Give yourself time to grieve.
It does get easier to bear.
This is not the first bereavement I have been through, I guess because we were so very close it's harder "My mum died last August and I found her funeral more difficult than my dad's and my twin sister's. I feel worse now than I did back then and I don't know why because my dad was only 60 when he died and my sister was 34; whereas my mum was almost 87 and it was her time. We can analyse all we want but the truth is we handle things differently and we can only do our best at the time. Maybe because I had young children and a partner to keep my mind busy I didn't dwell on it back then. You take as long as you want to grieve. | |||
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"I wish I could, but I'm not made that way." There will be a way, they do not sound like they arw the type of people one wants to ve around though they are there forcing themselves in regardless. Hugs and ears when you need them | |||
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"Is it too intrusive to ask what tour bereavement was? Only because my best friend lost her mum last April she was only 51 and my friend was 31 at the time and an only child so no sibling as such to share the grief. My friends on antidepressants at the moment but a couple of weeks ago she didn’t take them for 5 days cos she said she wanted to ‘feel’ again and it just happened to be one of the days where her Dad rang and asked when she wanted to sort her mums stuff out. That was it then she was in bits and I didn’t know what to do. It’s a hard hard one, I’d never say to her that she needs to get over her grief. Her Mum has gone way too early, how the fuck does someone get over that. " This was my Nan. Yea she was old but she and I were closer than close. Some people have told me she was old and I should have expected it, well I think that is rather rude. I couldn't imagine losing my mum so young either, your friend must be in pieces. I'm 51 now and don't want to think about losing my mum (the next closest person to me) | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Then tell them!!! But be prepared for the sympathetic looks, and the "I know you didn't mean that, it's the grief talking" response. Been there...done that!
People don't want to face the inevitable and someone highlighting it makes them uncomfortable. All I can suggest is learn to compartmentalise your emotions. We do it to some extent on a daily basis - we have a professional and private face. Try and keep your grief for your own private moments, unless you have someone who the loss has affected equally to talk to.
You never get over loss - you just learn to live with it. Give yourself time to grieve.
It does get easier to bear.
This is not the first bereavement I have been through, I guess because we were so very close it's harder
My mum died last August and I found her funeral more difficult than my dad's and my twin sister's.
I feel worse now than I did back then and I don't know why because my dad was only 60 when he died and my sister was 34; whereas my mum was almost 87 and it was her time.
We can analyse all we want but the truth is we handle things differently and we can only do our best at the time.
Maybe because I had young children and a partner to keep my mind busy I didn't dwell on it back then.
You take as long as you want to grieve. "Thank you | |||
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"I wish I could, but I'm not made that way. There will be a way, they do not sound like they arw the type of people one wants to ve around though they are there forcing themselves in regardless. Hugs and ears when you need them" Thank you | |||
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"It's not easy to get over .... 2 years ago I lost my gran to cancer, 2 months later my brother a heart attack whilst he slept then just last year my dog and now just recently my aunties father. " I don't want to "get over" them anyway but I get what you mean totally | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness
I think it's a very selfish thing to try and force someone to change how they're thinking or feeling just because how that person is feeling is making others uncomfortable, or because others deem that their 'time is up'.
Others can't tell you how to feel or what it's acceptable to feel.
To my mind its a very 'male' approach and smacks of the 'man up' line which has led to so much toxic masculinity."But its not because they feel uncomfortable its because they see thier friend hurting and want them to move forward. The whole "its because they feel uncomfortable" is just like the "bullies bully because theyre insecure" nonsense. Its a deflection to try and make the person feel better and it just doesnt help. Its nothing to do with toxic masculinity or anything its just trying to stop a self destructive behaviour | |||
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". Oh, and to the idiot above who said to think of the person & would they want you to be sad ... that is singularly the worst thing to say to someone grieving the loss of a loved one. To have people tell me that I was effectively letting my parents down by grieving for them made me blood-boilingly angry, and still does! Don’t try to give advice on a topic you know nothing about!" It's what my gran told me before she died. Perhaps take your own advice, I've lost 4 grand parents. | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness
I think it's a very selfish thing to try and force someone to change how they're thinking or feeling just because how that person is feeling is making others uncomfortable, or because others deem that their 'time is up'.
Others can't tell you how to feel or what it's acceptable to feel.
To my mind its a very 'male' approach and smacks of the 'man up' line which has led to so much toxic masculinity.
But its not because they feel uncomfortable its because they see thier friend hurting and want them to move forward.
The whole "its because they feel uncomfortable" is just like the "bullies bully because theyre insecure" nonsense. Its a deflection to try and make the person feel better and it just doesnt help.
Its nothing to do with toxic masculinity or anything its just trying to stop a self destructive behaviour"Grief isnt self destructive. It's a natural and essential process which can't just be 'got over'. Being dismissive of emotional need and depth is part of what toxic masculinity is about | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. " OP will hide it if she wants to! Grief takes time, only you can decide how much time. From my experience of grief, we never get over it, we just learn to live with it! Ignore any advice you are given! You know you end of! | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. I don't need to hide my profile, I'm happily meeting people, I was just expressing a feeling that comes and goes sometimes
No offence meant...
Nobody should be telling you you should be over it.
Emotions creep up on you.
Just go with it, good or bad day.
There is lots of support out there if you look. Speaking to someone you don't know can really help.
I have spoken to a Doctor and CRUSE. "
Be kind to yourself
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"I would tell them to fuck off. I lost my mum 17 months ago and everyday hurts with out her. I want to be able to ring her. I want to be able to talk to her when I'm sad and have a cuddle that only mum's can give. " I get that totally x | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. OP will hide it if she wants to! Grief takes time, only you can decide how much time. From my experience of grief, we never get over it, we just learn to live with it! Ignore any advice you are given! You know you end of! " That's an interesting view, thank you | |||
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"Grief affects us all in different ways Some people get over a death really quickly Some take a few years Some never come to terms with it I lost my dad 21 years ago and although i miss him dearly, I’ve never grieved I lost my brother last year and never grieved over him either Both big influences in my life But yet I lost my best friend 18 years ago and still to this day I shed tears over her I have sought counselling for this as I thought I wasn’t normal and my councillor has said because im the one who has to be strong and look out for my mum ( im her full time carer) They’ve said it will come one day, most likely when mum passes away and I’m no longer having to support her in grief In my opinion I don’t think we ever truly get over losing a loved one I think we learn to live without that person and accept they are no longer around But in all honesty do you ever stop grieving for someone My grief is locked away for the time being But for the people I have grieved for I don’t think you ever stop grieving " That makes an awful lot of sense x | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. OP will hide it if she wants to! Grief takes time, only you can decide how much time. From my experience of grief, we never get over it, we just learn to live with it! Ignore any advice you are given! You know you end of! That's an interesting view, thank you " Remember to look after YOU. If you need to talk pm me. I understand grief x | |||
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"I don't know your situation but your profile implies you're actively seeking here. If that's not the case right now, hide it maybe. OP will hide it if she wants to! Grief takes time, only you can decide how much time. From my experience of grief, we never get over it, we just learn to live with it! Ignore any advice you are given! You know you end of! That's an interesting view, thank you Remember to look after YOU. If you need to talk pm me. I understand grief x " Thanks very much ... I might do that x | |||
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"I am getting frustrated with people who keep telling me I need to be "getting over" my grief Who says there is a time limit? It's still raw and although most days I manage well, there are days I'm in the pit of despair. I don't want to be rude to these people but my head wants to tell them to fcuk right off
Societal pressure to return to the norm can be beneficial if you wallow too long people will stop bothering you but then they'll stop bothering with you and you'll find its so much harder to move on.
Picture the person you've lost and thier personality. Can you honeslty say they'd want you to be feeling this way or do you think they would want you to live your life happily and to it's fullest?
Loss hurts but it's important to not get lost in it.
But I don't feel like this all of the time. Just now and then something catches me and knocks me for six. I'd like to think she would understand that ...
She might well understand it. But people when the softly approach doesnt work tend to fall back to the harsher "man up" line to try and force people out of thier current state.
You can look at it as a negative or as mean or you can look at it as a friend who's willing to be the bad guy to try and get you better.
Personally I've learned the friend who gives you the occasional kick up the arse is better than the one who kills you with kindness
I think it's a very selfish thing to try and force someone to change how they're thinking or feeling just because how that person is feeling is making others uncomfortable, or because others deem that their 'time is up'.
Others can't tell you how to feel or what it's acceptable to feel.
To my mind its a very 'male' approach and smacks of the 'man up' line which has led to so much toxic masculinity.
But its not because they feel uncomfortable its because they see thier friend hurting and want them to move forward.
The whole "its because they feel uncomfortable" is just like the "bullies bully because theyre insecure" nonsense. Its a deflection to try and make the person feel better and it just doesnt help.
Its nothing to do with toxic masculinity or anything its just trying to stop a self destructive behaviour"You can’t apply that logic to grief, it’s not a behaviour it’s a process! | |||
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". Oh, and to the idiot above who said to think of the person & would they want you to be sad ... that is singularly the worst thing to say to someone grieving the loss of a loved one. To have people tell me that I was effectively letting my parents down by grieving for them made me blood-boilingly angry, and still does! Don’t try to give advice on a topic you know nothing about! It's what my gran told me before she died. Perhaps take your own advice, I've lost 4 grand parents. " Let’s not get into the game of who’s lost who heirachy.... | |||
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