FabSwingers.com forum: ????

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My husband and I have no sex life. Our sex life is rather...dead. I alway come onto him, but he's just not interested. He usually turns away. When I ask him why he says he has no interest in sex. That he doesn't feel horny anymore despite a lot of efforts made by me.

Now here's the annoying part. I know he wanks regularly. (He usually doesn't clean his own mess). Last night though we were watching a movie. I fell asleep and when I woke I decided I should probably just go to bed, I made my way upstairs to find him wanking on our bed whit his laptop open. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out what he is up too. When I walked in he shut his laptop. Then says "I was just checking my email".

Feeling really annoyed I confront him and ask him why he bothers lying. He admits he was wanking but doesn't think there's a problem. I just don't get it all. He doesn't want sex but is happy to have a wank.

Like seriously why?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t think he fancies you anymore.

That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wanking is purely perfunctory. There are no emotions, no other person to think about, no pressure.

Sex however is the opposite if you're doing it right.

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By *is BitchCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?"

No he doesn't know. I only came in here after years of frustration. Yes I've chatted to him several times about it.

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By *elma and ShaggyCouple
over a year ago

Bedworth

"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?"

This

You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!

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By *is BitchCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?

No he doesn't know. I only came in here after years of frustration. Yes I've chatted to him several times about it. "

To be totally honest with you I think you being on here without his knowledge is far worse than him wanking with your knowledge..sorry

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By *r.BlondeMan
over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

Might be gay?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you both have a communication problem. Honesty is always the best policy, no matter how difficult it may be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 31/01/19 19:40:13]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes people drift apart.

Maybe you’re just not the people you both thought you were when you first met?

Hope things get better for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He likes wanking but doesn't like sex. Maybe he's a form of Asexual.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My husband and I have no sex life. Our sex life is rather...dead. I alway come onto him, but he's just not interested. He usually turns away. When I ask him why he says he has no interest in sex. That he doesn't feel horny anymore despite a lot of efforts made by me.

Like seriously why?"

Low testosterone! Honestly, this happens a lot to guys.

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By *rownboy30Man
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Might be gay?"

In all seriousness, there maybe some truth in this-not to mean he’s gay-in the sense he has developed different kink(s) and gone off vanilla sex, and too scared or ashamed to admit his new found kinks to you?

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Like seriously why?"

Wtf... you look gorgeous..I can't understand why he would do such a thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m so sorry you’re frustrated and that you’re hurt by his seeming interest in satisfying himself rather than satisfying each other.

I agree with a few posts above. There seems to be a communication break down and sadly- although you were frustrated at the time- confrontation isn’t going to get the answers or better the solutions.

You both need to want to talk. Be frank. Say you want to listen to him... then truly listen. Likewise he needs to listen.

Try not to accuse

Good luck Hun x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He's obviously a porn addict. Wanking too much lowers your libido and sex drive. Get one of the cages and make him wear it. You're sexy yes but porn is different. That's my thought.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work

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By *is BitchCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

Maybe you should tell him you are on here?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work "

Was he ever interested in sex? Perhaps he feels self conscious and doesn't want to get naked.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?

Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?

He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.

Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)

It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

Can I ask how old your husband is?

I used to be in a sexless relationship, we hadn't had sex in over 2 years and were more like friends.

I was only early 30 at the time, so I gave it up and moved back to mine, 10+ years ago and guess what? I still can't find someone I want to have sex with!

I don't know what the answer is tbh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Men wank with or without lots of sex I find.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe you need a bit of a heart to heart OP.

Maybe he’s really into porn, and maybe has lost a bit of that magic that you both used to have?

Maybe try and reach a compromise?

Let him watch the porn but encourage him to start to have sex with you too, maybe explore fantasies together and reignite the passion? You both could then get the best of both worlds maybe.

He could watch titties tomorrow and then bang you later! Win / win.

I hope things work out for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?

This

You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!"

Him wanking = no cheating

You meeting on fab = cheating.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t think he fancies you anymore.

That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest."

Also this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a similar situation except he was having sex with someone else.

Nothing I did could make him want me, but he wanted her.

Have a talk with him and ask if he wants to be with you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?

This

You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!

Him wanking = no cheating

You meeting on fab = cheating. "

That's not actually true.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?

This

You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!

Him wanking = no cheating

You meeting on fab = cheating.

That's not actually true. "

It is you are on fab meeting! It shows meets on your profile. You cheat, he cheats in his head with porn, not that same thing my dear.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?

Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?

He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.

Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)

It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.

We used to have great sex. Like all the time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Even after the kids. Then he had an affair and after that things were never the same. Despite the fact that I forgave him and I never bring it up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 31/01/19 20:41:22]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?

Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?

He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.

Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)

It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.

So you are on here to get your own back? Not having a go but trying to understand? Do you think he’s having another affair?

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By *otsoSnowWhiteWoman
over a year ago

My Ice Castle! South Wales

My ex husband stopped wanting sex with me. I'd have to beg for it and even then his heart didn't seem into it. Caused all sorts of issues. It took for my infidelity which I'm not proud of at all; I should have just left when it was no longer working, for him to actually tell me what was wrong. Where I thought it was all down to him not wanting me turns out suprise surprise it was 50/50 go figure when there's 2 of you in a relationship. A simple comment I'd made about the bend in his penis had given him a complex. His insecurity then fed mine as I didn't feel sexy when he didn't want to be intimate with me, round in circles it went. Till it broke.

Either it's already broke and you both need to admit it and call it a day or find out what the true issue is and fix it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe you should tell him you are on here?"

Heavens above should a guy posted this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe you should tell him you are on here?

Heavens above should a guy posted this

He have been slated!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I understand why many are questioning you being on here but it really is a side issue. I am sure you would gladly give up looking for sex elsewhere if your husband and you could restart the sex life you had (true?). The fact he had an affair and things are not great now indicates there are unresolved issues in the relationship. I would suggest the two of you having some relationship counselling.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?

Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?

He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.

Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)

It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.

So you are on here to get your own back? Not having a go but trying to understand? Do you think he’s having another affair? "

It's been 2 years since his affair. I found out by accident. Found messages on his phone. We had been having loads of sex at the time so it came as a surprise. We worked through things and he said that he wanted our marriage and me. I forgave him. Since then I'd say we have had sex maybe 10 times. I've tried everything. He just isn't interested. So I ended up here. I haven't considered that be night be having an affair again until a pm o got.

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By *ilth500Man
over a year ago

Merseyside

"Maybe you should tell him you are on here?"

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By *ilth500Man
over a year ago

Merseyside

"Maybe you should tell him you are on here?

Heavens above should a guy posted this

He have been slated! "

definitely

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

There are a lot of issues going on between you and your husband both of you seem to be hiding things from one another, definitely communication breakdown.

Listen to a podcast called the butterfly effect it is only 7 episodes long but in one episode there are some interesting facts about the effect porn is having on males in general. If you listen to it together it might help both of you recognise what is becoming a serious problem.

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By *otsoSnowWhiteWoman
over a year ago

My Ice Castle! South Wales

So you are on here to get your own back? Not having a go but trying to understand? Do you think he’s having another affair?

Maybe he's regretting his decision

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe he knows your cheating on him and as such finds you repulsive as thats all he can think of im a sexual situation with you.

I think its lovley how nice and supportive everyone has been of you though, even tbe members who were being very nasty to the cheating guy in the other thread

Whats the phrase "pussy pass"?

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?

Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?

He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.

Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)

It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.

Ah. Sounds to me like he is either still having an affair or he resents you for the affair ending.

If you've never discussed why he had the affair then it's never really be put to bed , you've both stuck your heads in the sand to a certain extent.

I'd suggest couples counselling ie Relate.

It might not fix your marriage, but it will give you both the opportunity to discuss the elephant in the room and hopefully move in from it one way or another.

If he refuses to engage, you need to make the decision whether you can bite the bullet and stay, or go.

Good luck.

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By *appyhumper123Man
over a year ago

hull

"I don’t think he fancies you anymore.

That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest."

after 19 years of being with my wife I stopped fancying her, love her to bits still do but unfortunetly I didn't talk to her about and after 2 years we parted had I talked to her about it we might still be together, communication is the way forward

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you tell him you are on here he might be overjoyed and want to join as a couple so he can fuck other women with your permission.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t think he fancies you anymore.

That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest.

Can you make yourself fancy someone you have gone off or gotten bored with?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Maybe he knows your cheating on him and as such finds you repulsive as thats all he can think of im a sexual situation with you.

I think its lovley how nice and supportive everyone has been of you though, even tbe members who were being very nasty to the cheating guy in the other thread

Whats the phrase "pussy pass"?

Doesn’t matter if your Male or female you’ll be treated the same. She’s a cheat and the guy on the other thread was too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t think he fancies you anymore.

That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest.

Can you make yourself fancy someone you have gone off or gotten bored with?"

Sadly you can’t! I’ve tried with my ex

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

Don’t think you’re in any kinda position to be judging him for his actions given yours

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Ah the wonderful world of fab and its double standards!

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By *ax55Man
over a year ago

Hertford

Being a man I wank but I’d rather be having sex with my partner if I had one ??

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By *exycouplemmmmCouple
over a year ago

Surrey

I totally get this! Had the same situation myself. He just didn’t want sex. My other half at the time was on medication though (for anxiety) which effected his need for intimacy. Is that a possibility (medication) ?

I spoke to him lots too! Tried seduction, nights drinking, hotels etc... nothing! Most frustrating 6 years if my entire life

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.

Regardless of their sex.

Being judgemental isn't helpful.

I prefer a bit of empathy every time.

Very few people are perfect.

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By *rownboy30Man
over a year ago

Birmingham

"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.

Regardless of their sex.

Being judgemental isn't helpful.

I prefer a bit of empathy every time.

Very few people are perfect."

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

Like seriously why?"

Maybe he knows you're on fab and doesn't want to confront you as he's comfortable with life.

But he might be disgusted with what you're doing and doesn't want to have sex with you.

Try talking to him

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By *ickygirl41Woman
over a year ago

Glasgow

First, you're lying to him.

If you want your relationship to have any hope you need to be honest (or separate)

Lack of libido can have several causes but if he's regularly madturbating it's unlikely he has that.

Asexuality is also unlikely if he's choking th chicken on a regular basis.

He may not feel sexually attracted to you anymore.

He may be dealing with other issues like sexuality or unusual proclivities that he doesn't feel comfortable talking about with you.

Sit down and be fully honest about your sexual needs, ask him about his. Talk together to solve the problem.

Lies do nobody favours.

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.

Regardless of their sex.

Being judgemental isn't helpful.

I prefer a bit of empathy every time.

Very few people are perfect."

Judgemental or not think it’s pretty crap a) cheat (5 years in a sexless marriage and I managed not to so it’s doable) and b) to discuss such a personal issue like this with complete strangers on a public forum that anyone can read without even a member of the site

Being judgementals human we all do it on some level I’d rather own it than act above it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes the balance between sex and a wank tips in favour of a wank. Consider potential issues such as work stress, exhaustion, physical condition etc, I don't know if any of these are relevant to him but sometimes if a person is wanking when he could be fucking it's because he hasn't the energy to fuck but wants his balls empty. It can be as simple as that sometimes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.

Regardless of their sex.

Being judgemental isn't helpful.

I prefer a bit of empathy every time.

Very few people are perfect."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ah the wonderful world of fab and its double standards! "

You're not suggesting that if a guy had posted this, he'd have new holes torn into him are you?

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been covered.

Wanking is a release. It may also be a habit. It's perfunctory and the relationship is simple.

Sex in relationships is complicated. It comes with baggage and expectations and resentments about who loaded the dishwasher. The desire lives in the brain and not the loins. It needs to be nurtured and invested in by both parties.

Have you considered counselling?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Men wank with or without lots of sex I find. "

Just men?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very interesting reading.

I don’t have any answers for you other than posting here probably wasn’t the best idea having seen other threads on this subject in the past. All I can say is you and only you can decide what to do and where to go from here and like I say about everything in life, unless you’re in the same situation as someone you can’t possible understand. Sounds like a horrible and difficult predicament you’re in and I hope whatever you decide that it all works out for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Men wank with or without lots of sex I find.

Just men?"

Yes. Men and only men.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Very interesting reading.

Thanks

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck. "

We've been to the doctors and a councillor

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I really feel for you...we divorced...it was for the best looking back.. but it split the family...our kids were grown up so less of a trauma.. I feel that I kept quiet for years to give them stability

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

We've been to the doctors and a councillor "

And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Marriage counselling may help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mayb he is gay and can’t tell you as he’s confused just an idea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you tried to dig a little deeper, why is he not interested in sex? Bad experience? Doesn't enjoy it? Or what does he enjoy?

As for you being on here, we all have different situations so don't think it's fair to be judged by others x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Might be gay?"

You have my support.

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By *W ChapMan
over a year ago

Swindon

Like seriously why?"
IMO, I reckon he's having an affair again.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Maybe you should tell him you are on here?

Heavens above should a guy posted this

I don't think there is any difference this time, a lot of people are commenting on the fact she has a profile on here rather than trying to help or give advice...men get that too

It is a shame people can't just try and help

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By *eldomVanillaMan
over a year ago

London

"Men wank with or without lots of sex I find. "

True! Sex is great but sometimes you just want some time to yourself.

Although this is not also true of men. Most women I know masturbate regually.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe he's on here too and wanking on cam ( just a thought) you need to sit him down tell him how hurt you are and how you have noticed a change in him lately. If he's not Willing to sit and talk about it then maybe you need to decide if being in your marriage is really making you happy or is it time to split x

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

To the OP...I would feel rejected with this and can understand why you are upset ( although him leaving his mess about after his wank would annoy the hell out of me )I don't have an answer but there was a post further up that seemed plausible about just needing to unload but has no inclination to get intimate with another person.

Obviously that doesn't answer why he doesn't want to be intimate with you and it looks like you have tried communication and outside help.....if none of it is working for you to find an answer, I think you have a big decision to make

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

We've been to the doctors and a councillor

And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?"

She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Porn Addict! When a person is addicted to porn they just get off on porn. Try and find out what he's getting off too?? Maybe he's getting off on Gay porn and to affraid to say? Wish you well

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/02/19 10:04:29]

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By *s_macWoman
over a year ago

Traffic land

"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.

Regardless of their sex.

Being judgemental isn't helpful.

I prefer a bit of empathy every time.

Very few people are perfect."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We've been to the doctors and a councillor

And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?

She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on. "

You are 36. How old is your husband?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I bought my x-wife a water bed and we started drifting apart !

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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago

Stoke area

What a horrible and difficult position to be in. I see you have been to some marriage guidance / relate together.

Sadly they didn't come up with anything useful.

First thing I would suggest is that you make a firm decision that you want ask him for sex for several months.

Take the pressure off him. If you want to stay together and still love him, then this is worth doing.

Then sit and talk properly about what is going on. Let him talk and just listen and then you talk about how you feel.

Get back to having dates and enjoying each other's company, but avoid any sexual touching or anything.

Agree that you can cuddle on the sofa and gradually aim to build up to gentle massage, kisses, but with no expectation of sex afterwards.

Taking the pressure off him, may be what he needs. Along with this, ask him to reduce the laptop porn. If it's most days, then maybe once a week.

Wanking is less effort and no emotional connection. It gives release without the physical contact with you .

Go back to Relate. They have sexual counsellors who may be able to offer advise. If he won't go, you can go alone to talk things through.

Good luck. It will be a long journey to change the situation. No quick fix ...only you can decide if it's worth it .

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By *omvampmMan
over a year ago

gillingham

"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.

Regardless of their sex.

Being judgemental isn't helpful.

I prefer a bit of empathy every time.

Very few people are perfect.

"
totally agree to much judging on fab for my liking at times it's not what lifestyle is about x

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By *tirluvMan
over a year ago

the right frame of mind -London

I give this marraige weeks at best

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

My marraige was a bit like yours. In the end I just didn't fancy him, I think he felt the same about me.

Nothing he did in the end interested me. It was so hard to part but, was for the best. I have great sex now.

It effected my confidence and enjoyment in life those last few years. Ms

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maibe he is on here too lol.

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By *elma and ShaggyCouple
over a year ago

Bedworth

"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.

Regardless of their sex.

Being judgemental isn't helpful.

I prefer a bit of empathy every time.

Very few people are perfect.

totally agree to much judging on fab for my liking at times it's not what lifestyle is about x"

The lifestyle is about consensual non monogamy. Which part of cheating fits with that?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

OK if you want to discuss cheating and swinging start another thread please...this thread is asking for advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had, and still have, a great deal of love for my husband, but I wasted 25 years of my life trying to please him and make him love me back, and want me, sexually.

You can't force someone to want sex with you.

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By *naquest321Man
over a year ago

Carlisle

"I don’t think he fancies you anymore.

That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest."

This, sorry.

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By *naquest321Man
over a year ago

Carlisle

"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?

This

You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!"

Never know, he could have been wanking over your profile pics, thinking it’s someone else.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

What I find a bit weird is that you said you went up to find him wanking in your bedroom. He must of known there was a chance of you walking in? What's that all about?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What a horrible and difficult position to be in. I see you have been to some marriage guidance / relate together.