FabSwingers.com forum: Should travellers be made to pass a test to use airports?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It seems like they let any old idiot use airports these days and I'm not sure that should be the case. Too many people just don't know how to navigate a journey by air.

1. Customs in departures:

You should know what to expect by now; no liquids, electronics out of your bag and into a separate tray, belt off, watch off, jacket off and take any suspect items out of your pockets...it's not hard.

Punishment for those that can't accomplish this: Spend a day working in customs...that seems to be enough to wipe the smile off anybody's face.

2. People that clap when the plane lands:

What the f is this all about? Do people who do this clap the paperboy when he delivers the paper or the barmaid when she pours a pint. Don't clap, it's stupid.

Punishment for this offence: Tie their wrists together for the return journey.

3. Short-haul inflatable neck support wearers:

You're only going to Tenerife! Would you wear a neck support if you was on a coach trip from Newcastle to Birmingham? No you wouldn't because you'd look a dick! Guess what, on the plane you look just the same. You binge-watch tv for half a day without one so I'm guessing your neck will be fine without one for a few hours on a plane.

Suitable punishment for this offence: Thrown them out of the fuckin' window...they'll be alright, they've got an inflatable neck support to land on.

4. The jacks-in-the-box:

Those that leap out of their seat as soon as the plane comes to a halt. Just wait, one row a time. It should be a piece of piss. You really are a bunch of cretins, we'll all be waiting at the same luggage carousel anyway.

Punishment for this offence: Don't bring the steps to the plane until the lemmings have all stepped out of the door and crashed down into a pit of crocodiles.

5. Customs in arrivals:

Photo in first, place your feet on the yellow footprints and look straight ahead until the gate opens. It's that fuckin' easy. Somebody's lost their job for this nifty piece of automation and you can't even be bothered to learn to use it properly.

Punishment for this offence: Don't let them in.

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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

Who pissed in your custard?!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Who pissed in your custard?!

About one hundred and fifty passengers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What punishment do you want to give me?

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stop being such a misery guts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh and sometimes the facial recognition software doesn't recognise you if you've put weight on (I had to suck in my cheeks before it would let me through).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Reading your rant is punishment enough.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Oh and sometimes the facial recognition software doesn't recognise you if you've put weight on (I had to suck in my cheeks before it would let me through).

I bet you was still wearing your neck support really?

How was Jersey?

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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago

Hereford

I aint goin' on no plane, fool.

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Or maybe OP you could just chill... life is too short to let little things like these get to you.

Nita

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury. "

All kinds of images.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Or maybe OP you could just chill... life is too short to let little things like these get to you.

Nita "

I've looked at your profile and I've got you down as a 'raucous applause on landing' offender.

I'm right, aren't I?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I aint goin' on no plane, fool. "

It's fine honest, just wear an inflatable neck support and no harm will come to you.

They survive anything them things.

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By *tingly ByronMan
over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

"It seems like they let any old idiot use airports these days and I'm not sure that should be the case. Too many people just don't know how to navigate a journey by air.

1. Customs in departures:

Punishment for those that can't accomplish this: Spend a day working in customs...that seems to be enough to wipe the smile off anybody's face.

2. People that clap when the plane lands:

What the f is this all about? Do people who do this clap the paperboy when he delivers the paper or the barmaid when she pours a pint. Don't clap, it's stupid.

Punishment for this offence: Tie their wrists together for the return journey.

3. Short-haul inflatable neck support wearers:

Suitable punishment for this offence: Thrown them out of the fuckin' window...they'll be alright, they've got an inflatable neck support to land on.

4. The jacks-in-the-box:

Punishment for this offence: Don't bring the steps to the plane until the lemmings have all stepped out of the door and crashed down into a pit of crocodiles.

5. Customs in arrivals:

Punishment for this offence: Don't let them in."

It's not Thursday. Hold it in fella, hold it in......

Although, you do sound a bit like me using the train and tube every day.

Ticket fumblers and rucksack wankers are the bane of my life.

Don't get me started at those cunts who stop dead the second they step off the escalator either.....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I find inexperienced travellers fascinating and entertaining. It's like watching a documentary. Got to take pleasure out of it somehow, and know it's you if they change the rules on you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going."

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh and sometimes the facial recognition software doesn't recognise you if you've put weight on (I had to suck in my cheeks before it would let me through).

I bet you was still wearing your neck support really?

How was Jersey?"

I don't need no neck support and I have no idea how Jersey is, I've never been.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It seems like they let any old idiot use airports these days and I'm not sure that should be the case. Too many people just don't know how to navigate a journey by air.

1. Customs in departures:

Punishment for those that can't accomplish this: Spend a day working in customs...that seems to be enough to wipe the smile off anybody's face.

2. People that clap when the plane lands:

What the f is this all about? Do people who do this clap the paperboy when he delivers the paper or the barmaid when she pours a pint. Don't clap, it's stupid.

Punishment for this offence: Tie their wrists together for the return journey.

3. Short-haul inflatable neck support wearers:

Suitable punishment for this offence: Thrown them out of the fuckin' window...they'll be alright, they've got an inflatable neck support to land on.

4. The jacks-in-the-box:

Punishment for this offence: Don't bring the steps to the plane until the lemmings have all stepped out of the door and crashed down into a pit of crocodiles.

5. Customs in arrivals:

Punishment for this offence: Don't let them in.

It's not Thursday. Hold it in fella, hold it in......

Although, you do sound a bit like me using the train and tube every day.

Ticket fumblers and rucksack wankers are the bane of my life.

Don't get me started at those cunts who stop dead the second they step off the escalator either....."

I rarely use public transport but I know where you're coming from. It's like some of them are on their first trip out...5 times a week.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

And squeal.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Oh and sometimes the facial recognition software doesn't recognise you if you've put weight on (I had to suck in my cheeks before it would let me through).

I bet you was still wearing your neck support really?

How was Jersey?

I don't need no neck support and I have no idea how Jersey is, I've never been.

It's nice, you should try it...maybe by ferry though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did let out a little sign of relief on the return flight from Gran Canaria this summer.

We came in fast, as a storm was coming in with us and the pilot hit the brakes hard as we landed.

This had us all pressing our hands against the seat in front and me praying we didn't run out of runway (I can be a bit dramatic at times).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This has made me laugh! I don’t rush to get off the plane as like you say we all got to wait for the luggage to be chucked off!

I’ve not flown for a few years so haven’t even heard of the computerised customs!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh and sometimes the facial recognition software doesn't recognise you if you've put weight on (I had to suck in my cheeks before it would let me through).

I bet you was still wearing your neck support really?

How was Jersey?

I don't need no neck support and I have no idea how Jersey is, I've never been.

It's nice, you should try it...maybe by ferry though

I've decided, no more travelling for me.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

When I fly, I almost always fly long haul. I've... seen some things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This has made me laugh! I don’t rush to get off the plane as like you say we all got to wait for the luggage to be chucked off!

I’ve not flown for a few years so haven’t even heard of the computerised customs!"

It's faster, if everyone knows what to do and it recognises you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"This has made me laugh! I don’t rush to get off the plane as like you say we all got to wait for the luggage to be chucked off!

I’ve not flown for a few years so haven’t even heard of the computerised customs!

It's faster, if everyone knows what to do and it recognises you.

There are only 3 things to remember but people just panic. Yesterday was the best I'd ever seen it though, I think it (or passengers) are improving.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?"

Here...*points behind me*

Here...*points either side of me*

And here...*points in front of me*

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?"

There aren't any. You're trapped, there's no way out and no safe word.

You'd best just strap in and enjoy the ride.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I panicked a few years ago when boarding passes went electronic ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?

There aren't any. You're trapped, there's no way out and no safe word.

You'd best just strap in and enjoy the ride."

Grins and bears all two minutes of it.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

The ones I'd hang, draw and quarter are the ones who are already d*unk before they get on a long haul flight, keep drinking, and aren't quiet d*unks.

No, I don't want to hear you sing for the next ten hours, you're not funny, I don't enjoy the smell of your puke, etc.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?

Here...*points behind me*

Here...*points either side of me*

And here...*points in front of me*

I've seen cabin staff attempt to handle a little bit of mid-air drama once. They worryingly didn't appear to have a clue what they were doing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I jammed my train ticket in an in gate instead of an out one and had to get a nice lady to dissasemble the mechanism and give my ticket back. I'd best not go flying

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The ones I'd hang, draw and quarter are the ones who are already d*unk before they get on a long haul flight, keep drinking, and aren't quiet d*unks.

No, I don't want to hear you sing for the next ten hours, you're not funny, I don't enjoy the smell of your puke, etc. "

I think most airlines have pretty much stamped this out now but I daresay certain destinations are more prone to it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?

There aren't any. You're trapped, there's no way out and no safe word.

You'd best just strap in and enjoy the ride.

Grins and bears all two minutes of it.

I'll try and sort a lengthy delay, just for you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I jammed my train ticket in an in gate instead of an out one and had to get a nice lady to dissasemble the mechanism and give my ticket back. I'd best not go flying

It's all barcodes on readers in departures now, nowhere to jam your ticket in.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"The ones I'd hang, draw and quarter are the ones who are already d*unk before they get on a long haul flight, keep drinking, and aren't quiet d*unks.

No, I don't want to hear you sing for the next ten hours, you're not funny, I don't enjoy the smell of your puke, etc.

I think most airlines have pretty much stamped this out now but I daresay certain destinations are more prone to it."

Sadly not, although it's less common than it was.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?

There aren't any. You're trapped, there's no way out and no safe word.

You'd best just strap in and enjoy the ride.

Grins and bears all two minutes of it.

I'll try and sort a lengthy delay, just for you."

Is there an inflight movie I can watch?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?

There aren't any. You're trapped, there's no way out and no safe word.

You'd best just strap in and enjoy the ride.

Grins and bears all two minutes of it.

I'll try and sort a lengthy delay, just for you.

Is there an inflight movie I can watch?"

We're only going form Bournemouth to the Isle of Wight.

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Watch Eric Bana taking off Chopper Reid as air hostess on YouTube

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What punishment do you want to give me?

Easy...a repetitive strain injury.

All kinds of images.

And a blue pill to keep me going.

Can I clap my hands when you orgasm?

No, just place your feet where I tell you and look straight ahead.

Remind me where the exits are...?

There aren't any. You're trapped, there's no way out and no safe word.

You'd best just strap in and enjoy the ride.

Grins and bears all two minutes of it.

I'll try and sort a lengthy delay, just for you.

Is there an inflight movie I can watch?

We're only going form Bournemouth to the Isle of Wight."

I love it when you head south on me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The ones I'd hang, draw and quarter are the ones who are already d*unk before they get on a long haul flight, keep drinking, and aren't quiet d*unks.

No, I don't want to hear you sing for the next ten hours, you're not funny, I don't enjoy the smell of your puke, etc.

I think most airlines have pretty much stamped this out now but I daresay certain destinations are more prone to it.

Sadly not, although it's less common than it was. "

Well I paid around £7 for an in-flight vodka and tomato juice yesterday so more fool them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It seems like they let any old idiot use airports these days and I'm not sure that should be the case. Too many people just don't know how to navigate a journey by air.

1. Customs in departures:

Punishment for those that can't accomplish this: Spend a day working in customs...that seems to be enough to wipe the smile off anybody's face.

2. People that clap when the plane lands:

What the f is this all about? Do people who do this clap the paperboy when he delivers the paper or the barmaid when she pours a pint. Don't clap, it's stupid.

Punishment for this offence: Tie their wrists together for the return journey.

3. Short-haul inflatable neck support wearers:

Suitable punishment for this offence: Thrown them out of the fuckin' window...they'll be alright, they've got an inflatable neck support to land on.

4. The jacks-in-the-box:

Punishment for this offence: Don't bring the steps to the plane until the lemmings have all stepped out of the door and crashed down into a pit of crocodiles.

5. Customs in arrivals:

Punishment for this offence: Don't let them in."

As a frequent flyer I chuckled greatly to all of this...

you missed the let's queue for 45mins just because it says go to gate! Plane hasn't landed yet!!!

Why the.. what the.. i'll sit down and enjoy reading fab forum posts while you get leg cramps.

Run for speedy boarding.. gotta get speedy boarding. Must be first!!.. yeah. Eh.. the plane ain't leaving with out me.. and oh, Woop you get on the bus earlier by, what, 2mins. And the point of paying for that speedy boarding was!!!....hmmmm

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"The ones I'd hang, draw and quarter are the ones who are already d*unk before they get on a long haul flight, keep drinking, and aren't quiet d*unks.

No, I don't want to hear you sing for the next ten hours, you're not funny, I don't enjoy the smell of your puke, etc.

I think most airlines have pretty much stamped this out now but I daresay certain destinations are more prone to it.

Sadly not, although it's less common than it was.

Well I paid around £7 for an in-flight vodka and tomato juice yesterday so more fool them."

Long haul flights, they tend to be included in the price.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It seems like they let any old idiot use airports these days and I'm not sure that should be the case. Too many people just don't know how to navigate a journey by air.

1. Customs in departures:

Punishment for those that can't accomplish this: Spend a day working in customs...that seems to be enough to wipe the smile off anybody's face.

2. People that clap when the plane lands:

What the f is this all about? Do people who do this clap the paperboy when he delivers the paper or the barmaid when she pours a pint. Don't clap, it's stupid.

Punishment for this offence: Tie their wrists together for the return journey.

3. Short-haul inflatable neck support wearers:

Suitable punishment for this offence: Thrown them out of the fuckin' window...they'll be alright, they've got an inflatable neck support to land on.

4. The jacks-in-the-box:

Punishment for this offence: Don't bring the steps to the plane until the lemmings have all stepped out of the door and crashed down into a pit of crocodiles.

5. Customs in arrivals:

Punishment for this offence: Don't let them in.

As a frequent flyer I chuckled greatly to all of this...

you missed the let's queue for 45mins just because it says go to gate! Plane hasn't landed yet!!!

Why the.. what the.. i'll sit down and enjoy reading fab forum posts while you get leg cramps.

Yep, all of that. Some strange kind of autopilot takes over some people's brains once they enter an airport.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The ones I'd hang, draw and quarter are the ones who are already d*unk before they get on a long haul flight, keep drinking, and aren't quiet d*unks.

No, I don't want to hear you sing for the next ten hours, you're not funny, I don't enjoy the smell of your puke, etc.

I think most airlines have pretty much stamped this out now but I daresay certain destinations are more prone to it.

Sadly not, although it's less common than it was.

Well I paid around £7 for an in-flight vodka and tomato juice yesterday so more fool them.

Long haul flights, they tend to be included in the price."

I've done Virgin to the States a couple of times and we only got so many drinks included. I like a drink (in moderation) but I definitely wouldn't want to be d*unk on a plane.

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By *mm and HerCouple
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

This post made me laugh - as a frequent flyer, I've said all of these in the past.

I've seen some very funny things over the years:

the American in Austin who was outraged he couldn't take his 14" hunting knife on with him.

The man who swore blind his bag was carry-on yet he could barely be seen behind it - my first flat was smaller.

The guy who when told he couldn't take is one litre bottle of bottle of vodka he'd bought on the way to the airport "for the trip home", try to down the entire bottle while queuing for the X-ray machine.

The people with an economy ticket who think they can sit in 1st and nobody will notice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People / groups who don't pay to sit together, then whinge & moan that they are dotted around the plane - or even better, proceed to shout and roar to each other for the duration of the flight.

I had this on a flight to Hamburg in the summer. A gang of about 10 lads, shouting and singing at each other.

It's 6am, I'm tired and ratty, I want to snooze, you'll be there in an hour SHUT THE FUCK UP and sit down.

There's nothing your mate sat ten rows away can't wait to hear in an hour, when you're together again.

He doesn't need to hear it now. More importantly, neither does every fucker else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

oh ... and it's not just the passengers either

watch this, there will be moves in there that you all recognise

https://youtu.be/tDNGfDg1eTU

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"People / groups who don't pay to sit together, then whinge & moan that they are dotted around the plane - or even better, proceed to shout and roar to each other for the duration of the flight.

I had this on a flight to Hamburg in the summer. A gang of about 10 lads, shouting and singing at each other.

It's 6am, I'm tired and ratty, I want to snooze, you'll be there in an hour SHUT THE FUCK UP and sit down.

There's nothing your mate sat ten rows away can't wait to hear in an hour, when you're together again.

He doesn't need to hear it now. More importantly, neither does every fucker else."

I don't think we should pay to sit together, if we book together-we never used to have to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can you imagine what it is like for people who work at an airiport and have to deal with that hundreds of times a day?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"People / groups who don't pay to sit together, then whinge & moan that they are dotted around the plane - or even better, proceed to shout and roar to each other for the duration of the flight.

I had this on a flight to Hamburg in the summer. A gang of about 10 lads, shouting and singing at each other.

It's 6am, I'm tired and ratty, I want to snooze, you'll be there in an hour SHUT THE FUCK UP and sit down.

There's nothing your mate sat ten rows away can't wait to hear in an hour, when you're together again.

He doesn't need to hear it now. More importantly, neither does every fucker else.

I don't think we should pay to sit together, if we book together-we never used to have to.

By the same token, you couldn't get to Spain or Italy or Portugal for a few quid either

It's part of the business model for the low cost carriers and, increasingly, some of the legacy carriers too, certainly on short-haul

If you don't pay, you run the risk of being sat apart

If you want to sit together, it's gonna cost you £3 to £12 each for the privilege

I've just come back from Dublin - it cost me £40 all in, ticket, bag & seat

I'm off to Germany in the New Year

£12 each way including bag and seat

If airlines didn't charge for 'extras' everyone else would pay a higher price for your privilege of sitting in a gang and for people who wanted to pack 47 outfits for a long weekend.

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