FabSwingers.com forum: A forensic of a mid life crisis

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm writing this to help others on here who may be going through something similar. It's not meant as blanket advice. It's only for people who it resonates with.

Several years back I was suddenly overcome with the sense that I was getting older and life was a one time thing and, having been in a long term relationship, certain things were passing me by. Among them sexual exploration and a freedom to get to know other women and maybe have some kind of flirtatious or sexual encounter with them. It was almost as if I felt stifled and the clock was ticking.

So I convinced my ex to try swinging. On paper swinging promised to be everything I was looking for; thrilling erotic encounters with others that bubbled up from a charged desirous connection and led us off the brink into a night of heated passion. As those of us who've tried it know, the reality on here is quite different. Staged and planned and agreed to between consenting adult parties in a safe place with safe words and red lines... the whole thing becomes more of a fun party game, bereft of the delicious tensions and erotic yearnings I was seeking. So after a while my ex and I drew a line under it and stopped.

Then a couple of years later we split. It dawned on me that the entire reason I had been on the journey I'd been on... why I'd got so muddled in my head... getting obsessed by the idea of polyamory and swinging... going right back to that initial feeling of being trapped and growing old. All that was based on one simple problem... My ex and I just weren't in love any more.

After a few months of being single I decided to come back on here as a single male and just try and have some fun and blow off a few cobwebs. I'll soon be closing down my account on Fab. The reason is because coming on here this time was just another belated part of the same confused mindset. Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading. The whole notion that, now I'm available, I'm going to put myself on the shelf with a 50% off sticker on me is implicitly degrading. So the offer is now over.

There'll be some rolling eyes and barbed comments back at this. But the fact is that many people who undergo a similar mid life crisis or crisis of identity or sex go through much the same pattern. They become obsessed by infidelity or swinging or polyamory. They end up going so crazy with this that they have to act it out. Then they realise the source of it is that they no longer love their partner. So they leave or get chucked out. Then they put themselves in the bargain bucket of dating in order to play around and enjoy some one night stands. But then they realise the source of this is that they no longer love themselves. So it's time to retreat from dating, lick their wounds, and learn to love and respect themselves again.

It's when you finally turn that last page, you decide to stop selling yourself short, and you decide to start working on loving yourself and treating the opposite gender with respect again and not just as sexual objects... then you've finally got to the end of your mid life crisis. You're back on the ground again. Your head isn't screwed up any more. And you're you again.

Fab is a glorious gateway drug and drinking buddy to all of those ups and downs of a mid life crisis. But don't let it distract you from the core tasks of developing a deeper love and self sufficiency of yourself and of opening yourself to finding a deeper love with someone special. You may be surprised to reflect, at some future date, that everything you did on here was part of that confused bewildered journey towards love and not the amazing liberated thing you think it is.

To clarify again... this isn't aimed at everyone on here. Only at those who can see a bit of themselves in it. Either way, I wish you all good luck in finding fun, erotic delights, and love xx

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By *m3232Man
over a year ago

maidenhead

I think you are spot on. I thought I was clever enough to have skipped that part when my friends fell in to it. Only now to find I am starting to fall in to it with the lady I have just met. I think it’s a case of being in lust lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm confused OP

When did your mid life crisis actually start?

Whilst you were still with your ex or after you split?

Also how old were you when you realised life was passing you by?

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

I wish you well on your journey OP, it sounds like you've grounded yourself and are ready to move on.

I don't think that there is a 'cover all' for this kind of crisis but it sounds like you've articulated your journey well and I hope that others going through something similar take comfort in relation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can relate op.

I find empty meaningless sex a sticky plaster solution to what some are really looking for which is a person you have a spark with.A connection .That unexplainable chemistry and instant understanding.

Good luck finding it in the world outside fab and if this is your final thread it's been nice reading your posts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its a journey that those on it need to stick out to the end too so they get full benefit of the learned wisdom. Not sure which bit of my crisis Im in yet, somewhere around the middle still I guess

Good luck with it all x

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By *ortobello SionnachWoman
over a year ago

Dublin

Good luck finding it in the world outside fab and if this is your final thread it's been nice reading your posts.

Same here good luck what ever OP

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By *bsolutebeginnersCouple
over a year ago

Planet Ork

Everyone has a different journey even if they travel along the same route. People’s perspectives are dependent upon their own expectations. I look outside the train window from Birmingham to Wolverhampton and see remnants of history in the disused glassworks and warehouses that still stand defiantly alongside the canals, other people see desolation and decay.

Our journey on here is still in its infancy and is exciting and fun. Hopefully your next journey will bring you the satisfaction that you are looking for. M&M.

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

I thought you had gone. You are stringing this leaving thing out chap.

Great post. Somethings I disagree with but we are all different in this life’s journey.

Wish you well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Everyone has a different journey even if they travel along the same route. People’s perspectives are dependent upon their own expectations. I look outside the train window from Birmingham to Wolverhampton and see remnants of history in the disused glassworks and warehouses that still stand defiantly alongside the canals, other people see desolation and decay.

Our journey on here is still in its infancy and is exciting and fun. Hopefully your next journey will bring you the satisfaction that you are looking for. M&M. "

Oh the proper old brick built factories and warehouses are beautiful aren't they. Built with looks as well as function in mind in the 'old days'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like the guy,I liked his threads,he come across as a nice bloke even when a certain person on here kept having a go at him,he was still nice

Good luck fella

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I like the guy,I liked his threads,he come across as a nice bloke even when a certain person on here kept having a go at him,he was still nice

Good luck fella"

I relate to this totally and have always known that my time on Fab was just part of my journey following divorce and wouldn’t last forever. For now I’m enjoying it though but will come full circle in time. Good luck to you xx

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

"I like the guy,I liked his threads,he come across as a nice bloke even when a certain person on here kept having a go at him,he was still nice

Good luck fella"

Yeah I think I know who you are on about. Not on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hear what you are saying Op, I’m nearly 45 now and I may only have 60 years of serious shagging left, before I need to settle down and take it easy.

Good luck with all your future endeavours and let us know when your first novel is on the shelves of Waterstones.

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

". Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading "

It is entirely possible to find that connection on here.

I & plenty of others have.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Good luck on your journey op.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Yes, I have always thought that was the point of this life, and fab was only ever intended to be a stopgap for me, to fulfill a basic need 'meanwhile'.

One can make some deep connections here, but you have to sift through the chaff. I also think that many people don't understand true commitment in marriage anymore, I would say to love long term is a decision, maybe one that one has to keep making.

But we can all make mistakes in choosing a partner, I know I did - I hope you find the right one soon.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Couldn't agree more. If you're lucky enough to be with someone who has equal commitment it is a choice that's fairly easy to make even if carrying it out is hard.

I don't agree with a lot of the op. I think it's mostly how you view casual sex or should I say if you can view sex casually. If you can't view encounters outside of a meaningful relationship positively casual sex is not going to be good for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can relate to some of this too.

Thank you for posting something that is worth reading more than once, and has made me stop and think

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Couldn't agree more. If you're lucky enough to be with someone who has equal commitment it is a choice that's fairly easy to make even if carrying it out is hard.

I agree

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

Once again I find myself agreeing with pretty much everything the op says .

Swinging as a couple will never fulfill a role in a crumbling relationship . If the love has gone , it sure as hell won’t rekindle it .

As for swinging as a single , it’s only ever going to scratch an itch . You wake up every morning on your own , you get lonely , you feel used , unloved , unwanted , cheap and worthless .

We have included swinging as a hobby for seven of the eight years we have been together , and we’ve never been happier than in the last six months . In those six months we haven’t been swinging at all . No meets , nothing . And it’s been great , and an eye opener . We simply no longer get a thrill or a buzz from it . It’s run it’s course .

So good luck Soulful , we will miss you , but we won’t be far behind you as you leave .

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By *r.BlondeMan
over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

On the plus side there is 1 less single guy to worry about. Just need the other 15,000 to start jacking in.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Once again I find myself agreeing with pretty much everything the op says .

Swinging as a couple will never fulfill a role in a crumbling relationship . If the love has gone , it sure as hell won’t rekindle it .

As for swinging as a single , it’s only ever going to scratch an itch . You wake up every morning on your own , you get lonely , you feel used , unloved , unwanted , cheap and worthless .

So good luck Soulful , we will miss you , but we won’t be far behind you as you leave .

That's quite a reversal for you. I don't mean that in any way disrespectfully but you two were swingings biggest advocates at one time.

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By *entish79Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

I suppose it’s one of life’s great conflicts. It’s human nature to want both the new and exciting, as well as the safe and familiar. Unfortunately the two don’t always go hand in hand.

Perhaps the best we can hope for in life is to experience both, but not miss out on one because we were too focused on the orher.

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By *entish79Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

And to add that one isn’t necessarily better than the other. They are just two different beasts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well there he went!

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

"Once again I find myself agreeing with pretty much everything the op says .

Swinging as a couple will never fulfill a role in a crumbling relationship . If the love has gone , it sure as hell won’t rekindle it .

As for swinging as a single , it’s only ever going to scratch an itch . You wake up every morning on your own , you get lonely , you feel used , unloved , unwanted , cheap and worthless .

So good luck Soulful , we will miss you , but we won’t be far behind you as you leave .

That's quite a reversal for you. I don't mean that in any way disrespectfully but you two were swingings biggest advocates at one time."

Yes we were .

And we still are if it’s done for the right reasons , which are to see it as a superficial bit of fun , over and above what’s already a strong loving relationship .

I’ve never advocated meaningless sex as a replacement for deep and meaningful love . But it can be a fun hobby to enjoy together when you already have the depth and emotional security .

Without this depth , without this love , without this security , what do you have ? Not much at all . You can have all the money in the world , nice things , a great house , a lush car but without someone who means the world to you they are not worth a light .

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By *mber DextrousWoman
over a year ago

Devon

". Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading

It is entirely possible to find that connection on here.

I & plenty of others have. "

And I'm sure those he met are delighted to hear how bad he felt the sex was.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

". Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading

It is entirely possible to find that connection on here.

I & plenty of others have.

And I'm sure those he met are delighted to hear how bad he felt the sex was. "

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

". Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading

It is entirely possible to find that connection on here.

I & plenty of others have.

And I'm sure those he met are delighted to hear how bad he felt the sex was.

So do you think the sex with meets from fab are as good as the sex you have with your husband then ?

I certainly don’t think any sex we’ve had with others even compares with what we have together , and I shouldn’t think anyone we have met would think otherwise . People aren’t daft , they know it’s fun , an opportunity to get the kind of filth they might only dream of , but it isn’t anything like the sex that 2 people in love have .

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By *mber DextrousWoman
over a year ago

Devon

". Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading

It is entirely possible to find that connection on here.

I & plenty of others have.

And I'm sure those he met are delighted to hear how bad he felt the sex was.

So do you think the sex with meets from fab are as good as the sex you have with your husband then ?

No, but nor would I be meeting people on here if the best I could hope for was mediocre sex.

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

". Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading

It is entirely possible to find that connection on here.

I & plenty of others have.

And I'm sure those he met are delighted to hear how bad he felt the sex was.

So do you think the sex with meets from fab are as good as the sex you have with your husband then ?

No, but nor would I be meeting people on here if the best I could hope for was mediocre sex. "

I agree with that .

That’s why we are no longer meeting people

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

". Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading

It is entirely possible to find that connection on here.

I & plenty of others have.

And I'm sure those he met are delighted to hear how bad he felt the sex was.

So do you think the sex with meets from fab are as good as the sex you have with your husband then ?

No, but nor would I be meeting people on here if the best I could hope for was mediocre sex. "

Exactly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some people can't enjoy sex without love or affection.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some people can't enjoy sex without love or affection. "

Joan Armatrading ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some people can't enjoy sex without love or affection.

Joan Armatrading ? "

Drop the Pilot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

". Great sex doesn't come before a great connection. It comes after it. Any sex that comes before it is, by definition, mediocre... probably unfulfilling... and possibly even degrading

It is entirely possible to find that connection on here.

I & plenty of others have.

And I'm sure those he met are delighted to hear how bad he felt the sex was.

So do you think the sex with meets from fab are as good as the sex you have with your husband then ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some people can't enjoy sex without love or affection. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Once again I find myself agreeing with pretty much everything the op says .

Swinging as a couple will never fulfill a role in a crumbling relationship . If the love has gone , it sure as hell won’t rekindle it .

As for swinging as a single , it’s only ever going to scratch an itch . You wake up every morning on your own , you get lonely , you feel used , unloved , unwanted , cheap and worthless .

So good luck Soulful , we will miss you , but we won’t be far behind you as you leave .

Well if you go I'll miss your posts.....I hardly post now but I read and I enjoy your posts...didn't at first I thought you were a twat

I hope your ok with your health mate

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Some people can't enjoy sex without love or affection.

Yep and if they can't I don't think swinging or casual sex is for them.

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

"Once again I find myself agreeing with pretty much everything the op says .

Swinging as a couple will never fulfill a role in a crumbling relationship . If the love has gone , it sure as hell won’t rekindle it .

As for swinging as a single , it’s only ever going to scratch an itch . You wake up every morning on your own , you get lonely , you feel used , unloved , unwanted , cheap and worthless .

So good luck Soulful , we will miss you , but we won’t be far behind you as you leave .

Well if you go I'll miss your posts.....I hardly post now but I read and I enjoy your posts...didn't at first I thought you were a twat

I hope your ok with your health mate

Ah thanks , the feeling was entirely mutual at the time , but like you I changed my feeling toward you too !

It’s been 11 months now , and I do feel much better thanks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Once again I find myself agreeing with pretty much everything the op says .

Swinging as a couple will never fulfill a role in a crumbling relationship . If the love has gone , it sure as hell won’t rekindle it .

As for swinging as a single , it’s only ever going to scratch an itch . You wake up every morning on your own , you get lonely , you feel used , unloved , unwanted , cheap and worthless .

So good luck Soulful , we will miss you , but we won’t be far behind you as you leave .

Well if you go I'll miss your posts.....I hardly post now but I read and I enjoy your posts...didn't at first I thought you were a twat

I hope your ok with your health mate

Ah thanks , the feeling was entirely mutual at the time , but like you I changed my feeling toward you too !

It’s been 11 months now , and I do feel much better thanks

Onwards and upwards...I'll send you some virtual Peter pan pills and a couple of them little blue ones.. And you'll be fit to go again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some people can't enjoy sex without love or affection.

Joan Armatrading ? "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some people can't enjoy sex without love or affection. "

I only enjoy the swinging scene with a partner. I don’t enjoy one off things and the sex for me is miles better with someone I know and trust more.

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

"Some people can't enjoy sex without love or affection.

I only enjoy the swinging scene with a partner. I don’t enjoy one off things and the sex for me is miles better with someone I know and trust more. "

Exactly this , and this is what the other and I have been saying

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