FabSwingers.com forum: Anyone got any new jokes?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Man buys a budgie and puts it in his Lounge.

Next day budgie says " I'm a Glasgow Budgie me , I'm Hard as Fucking nails"

The bird repeats this every morning until the man cant stand it anymore.

He gets a Kestrel and puts it in the cage with the budgie. Next morning the Kestrel is dead and the budgie says " I'm a Glasgow Budgie me , I'm Hard as Fucking nails"

Right i'll sort you out says the man and puts a huge Buzzard into the cage.

Next morning the buzzard is stone dead and the budgie says " I'm a Glasgow Budgie me , I'm Hard as Fucking nails"

So the man buys a Golden Eagle and puts it into the cage with the budgie. Next morning the Golden Eagle is dead but the budgie has no feathers left. " What a big hard bastard he was , I had to take my coat off to fuck him up"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just been into Tesco's to get some OXO but couldn't find any on the shelves.

They must be out of stock .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just been into Tesco's to get some OXO but couldn't find any on the shelves.

They must be out of stock ."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to a wedding at the weekend. It was really emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Did you hear about the fella ironing his curtains

He fell out the window

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Same fella ironed his socks

And burnt his feet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dad- why is there 2 burst condoms on the couch

Mum- gonna stop calling the weans burst condoms x

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By *uck-RogersMan
over a year ago

Oakhill

"Same fella ironed his socks

And burnt his feet "

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By *xtrafun4youMan
over a year ago

Dunstable

What do you all a bullet proof Irish man!

Rick o’shay.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you all a bullet proof Irish man!

Rick o’shay."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you all a bullet proof Irish man!

Rick o’shay."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just appeared on my Twitter feed:

Apparently, only 95% of men know how to turn on a dishwasher.

Personally I always find that licking her nipples does the trick.

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By *ay19720Man
over a year ago

Ashford kent

Where is a elephant's sex organ.....

In his foot..because if he treads on ya ..your fucked.....boom boom

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By *wo4FemCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

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By *ddibleMan
over a year ago

Exeter Bristol Salisbury

A man goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a cat, the shop assistant asks what type of cat? Man replies I don't care it's for my snake

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By *ddibleMan
over a year ago

Exeter Bristol Salisbury

What did the dog say to the naked man?

Woof woof woof woof woof woof grrr

(A dog reading this would find this really funny)

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By *xtrafun4youMan
over a year ago

Dunstable

"A man goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a cat, the shop assistant asks what type of cat? Man replies I don't care it's for my snake"

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Two dyslexics sitting in a car.One turns to the other and says "I can smell petrol".

"Good for you "says the other one "I can't even smell my own name"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Two dyslexics sitting in a car.One turns to the other and says "I can smell petrol".

"Good for you "says the other one "I can't even smell my own name""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I never understand the expression 'complete idiot', is there an incomplete version?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers? They pay homage to Santa.

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By *ony 2016Man
over a year ago

Huddersfield /derby cinemas

I am reading a great book which I borrowed from the library , it is about what life would be like on earth if there was no gravity , it's a really good read ,,,,, I can't put it down

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I never understand the expression 'complete idiot', is there an incomplete version?"

A halfwit.

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

Paddys wife goes into labour so he rushes her to the hospital.

The midwife turns to paddy and says 'Is she dilated?'

'Oh bejeesus yes' says Paddy 'we're both over the fecking moon!!'

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

"What do you all a bullet proof Irish man!

Rick o’shay."

I thought he was the Irishman who bounced off rocks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am thinking of cooking rabbit for dinner this sunday.

Is it cheaper from the supermarket or the pet shop?

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By *ust little old me 13Man
over a year ago

Preston

Guy goes for a job interview he gets offered the job and asked when he can start

What's the hourly rate the guy asks

£12 an hour but it goes up in 3 months

Fantastic he said il take it and start in 3 mths

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By *mjames00Man
over a year ago

Winterbourne

I wanted to make my pet racing snail faster and more aerodynamic, so I took his shell off. Instead it just made him a little sluggish.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Italian hooker?

A Pasta-tute

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had an appointment at the chiropodists yesterday went straight up to reception and got my penis out the gorgeous receptionist said that's not a foot so I said it ain't far off love

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brilliant start to the day thanks

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By *arkstaffsMan
over a year ago

Rugeley

After a 4 week trial Paddy changes his plea to guilty.

The judge asks him 'why didn't you plead guilty at the start and save the court all this time?'

Paddy replies 'I thought I was innocent until I heard all the evidence'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Grandad used to say "As one door closes, another one opens." He was a lovely man but a terrible cabinet maker.

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

my girlfriend told me she slept with 7 guys before we met.

i wouldn't mind but i was only 20 minutes late

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

I seen a sign outside a greengrocers saying 'loose cucumbers 75p' I thought to myself ' I better get a couple while they got some in the wife's size!'

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By *readzyMan
over a year ago

lutterworth

Did you hear about the about the thalidomide porn star?

He had an arm like a baby's cock

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By *readzyMan
over a year ago

lutterworth

A lesbian joins weightwatchers

Teacher says "you are what you eat..."

Lesbian says "are you calling me a cunt??"

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By *readzyMan
over a year ago

lutterworth

"I never understand the expression 'complete idiot', is there an incomplete version?

A halfwit."

Its not big and its not clever

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Late news from the BBC: a man accused of shoplifting has just walked free from a Dublin court after the Judge accepted his plea of suffering from premenstrual tension.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s worse than nailing a baby to a tree?

Ripping it off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s worse than nailing a baby to a tree?

Ripping it off

A baby what?

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

What do you call a lesbian porno?

A Quorno

Because it has no meat in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s worse than nailing a baby to a tree?

Ripping it off

A baby what? "

Baby shark do do doo doo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer. "I'm looking for cheap flights" I said "I love you" she said, sank to her knees and gave me the best blow job ever. That's strange I thought, she's never shown an interest in darts before

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

[Removed by poster at 22/11/18 11:47:10]

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By *atural-born-thrillerMan
over a year ago

oulton broad

I think them scented candles are a bit overrated...all the flames I’ve sniffed smell like burnt nasal hair x

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Took a girl out on Valentine's Day once , booked a table and everything .

Not my fault she didn't like snooker

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Guy goes for a job interview he gets offered the job and asked when he can start

What's the hourly rate the guy asks

£12 an hour but it goes up in 3 months

Fantastic he said il take it and start in 3 mths"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s worse than nailing a baby to a tree?

Ripping it off

A baby what?

Baby shark do do doo doo

Why would a baby shark be stuck to a tree?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s worse than nailing a baby to a tree?

Ripping it off

A baby what?

Baby shark do do doo doo

Why would a baby shark be stuck to a tree?"

Because of the nail!

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

"Went to a wedding at the weekend. It was really emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers."

Haha like it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What’s worse than nailing a baby to a tree?

Ripping it off

A baby what?

Baby shark do do doo doo

Why would a baby shark be stuck to a tree?"

Because someone nailed it to the tree

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his cock was stuck up the chicken's arse

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

Billy has 3 Morrissey albums and goes to buy 2 more Morrissey albums, what has Billy got?

Depression! Billy has depression!!!!

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

[Removed by poster at 22/11/18 17:21:59]

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Man fucks Kebab

Gets Donnarea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 22/11/18 17:25:30]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

little red riding hood was skipping thru the forest , when the big bad wolf jumps out and says im gonna kill you …. red riding hood shouts no u aint your supposed to eat me … lies on the floor pulls her knix to one side and says...…….. get on with it then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a man takes a girl home, gets her kit off , and he says wow, how come you have blonde hair and yet your bush is black ? she replies , you know when you hit your thumb and it goes black …. well … my fannys had some hammer !

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By *readzyMan
over a year ago

lutterworth

"Took a girl out on Valentine's Day once , booked a table and everything .

Not my fault she didn't like snooker "

She can show me her rack and thats her cue to stick her hands in my pockets and polish my balls until i put my white in her triangle anyday

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By *readzyMan
over a year ago

lutterworth

And what about an italian who masturbates in public?

Sex Pesto

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

What do you give to the man who has everything?

Antibiotics

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An innocent girl says,

"My hands are freezin"

Her mum replies,

"Put em between your legs, that'll warm em up"

Next day she's with her boyfriend.

He says,

"My hands are freezin"

So she says,

"Put em between my legs, it'll

warm em up"

Then he says,

"My penis is frozen"

Later the girl asks her mum,

"Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Mum says,

"Yes, why?"

Daughter replies,

"Don't they make a fucking mess when they defrost!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first has a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

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By *ifty69Man
over a year ago

north tyneside

What do you call a guy with a 2inch cock.

A. Justin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An elderly man is driving down the motorway when he gets a call from his wife in a panic she’s tell him to be careful she’s just seeing the news and a car is going the wrong way down motorway he replied there’s not just one there’s hundreds

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between iron man and iron woman?

One is a superhero, the other is a simple instruction.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Old joke:

Adam and Eve just finished first ever shag.

Eve walks to the river to wash her fanny out.

God looks down

“Oh for fucks sake, I’ll never get the smell out of my fish now!”

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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago

A world all of his own

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom one morning.

The 7 year old says "I think it's time we started swearing. I'll go first and then you follow"

They go down to breakfast and the mum asks the 7 year old what he'd like for breakfast.

"I'll have coco pops, bitch" he says.

WHACK! He's off the chair and halfway across the floor, balling his eyes out.

The mum turns to the 4 year old and asks sternly "And what about you?"

The 4 year old replies "dunno, but it won't be the fucking coco pops"

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

Knock knock

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no head or legs?

Matt.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

A man goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp.

The shop assistant looks confused as says "sorry sir, we don't sell wasps."

"Don't lie to be you bastard" says the man.

"You had two in the window yesterday."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Christmas is expensive ..whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you know that ducks die after sex....

... well the one I fucked did!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So three men were caught stealing from the King and brought to his court for punishment. The king instead decides to 'show mercy' and tells the men to go out into the royal gardens and pick 7 of whatever fruit you desire. With glee, the first man returns with apricots, so the King has all seven apricots shoved up the man's arse and he's warned not to steal again. The second man comes with apples and the same is done to him but he's laughing his arse off as he's led away. "Bring him back to me!", yells the king. "Were you not punished enough? Why do you laugh?" Unable to contain himself he manages to tell the king that the last guy is out there picking watermelons.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A genie visited a homeless man who lived his entire life in poverty. "You shall be granted one wish. Whatever you desire, I will give you", said the genie.

His eyes open wide in disbelief at the once in a lifetime opportunity that has come to change his fate. With tears rolling down his cheeks he says, "I want a car door".

"A fucking car door?", says genie. "What the fuck do you want a car door for"?

Man looks at the genie, "so I can roll up the window when it gets cold, duh".

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

"Knock knock"

Obviously I didn't knock hard enough

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock"

Who's there?

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

"Knock knock

Who's there? "

Amir

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who's there?

Amir"

Amir who?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into asda slaps his cock at the tills and says go on roll that fucker back...

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

"Knock knock

Who's there?

Amir

Amir who? "

Amir to see you of course

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who's there?

Amir

Amir who?

Amir to see you of course

I regret this

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By *lay4RealCouple
over a year ago

London

"A lesbian joins weightwatchers

Teacher says "you are what you eat..."

Lesbian says "are you calling me a cunt??""

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

"Knock knock

Who's there?

Amir

Amir who?

Amir to see you of course

I regret this"

I did make it up maself in my defence

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.

"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

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By *ffyEffWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Did you hear about the man going round dipping his balls in glitter?!

It's pretty nuts!

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no head or legs?

Matt. "

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the sea?

Bob

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

I met a girl today with 12 nipples. Sound weird dozen tit?

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

Gf threatened to kick me out if i didnt stop singing christmas songs

i said..."but baby it's cold outside"...

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"Gf threatened to kick me out if i didnt stop singing christmas songs

i said..."but baby it's cold outside"..."

Hahahaha

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By *readzyMan
over a year ago

lutterworth

Hear the one about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse

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By *wingfellowMan
over a year ago

my own little sanctuary

My dad quit his job as an indian dress maker to become an investment banker. He figured it’s better to be safe than saree

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Which reindeer is always forgotten about?

Olive, the other reindeer

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

At Sunday church, the local vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the county ,stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with

a new car every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

A successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The vicar, blushing, asks her: Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to

side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,

'Fuck him'.

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

Jesus loves you...

A nice thing to hear in church but a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

My girlfriend has just dumped me.

I asked why and she said for starters she is fed up with all my silly childish fukin annoying jokes.

I said oohh kaayyy with a big grin and asked so whats for the main course then?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up!

Sorry I’ll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just been into Tesco's to get some OXO but couldn't find any on the shelves.

They must be out of stock ."

Me: do you sell kettles

Shop assistant: Kenwood?

Me: Great, can you point me in his direction?

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By *irth.Minge.FireMan
over a year ago

Seen in far off places

I was asked the other day to stop keep singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Talking of oasis

Said to the waitress can I have the soup of the day please

She said oasis or non oasis

I said what do you mean

She said with the first one you get a roll with it

I'll get my coat now fabbys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t like German sausages

They’re the wurst

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t like German sausages

They’re the wurst "

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By *irth.Minge.FireMan
over a year ago

Seen in far off places

"So I was getting into my car just recently, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.""

I was asked about my weaknesses in a job interview

Me - my honesty

Interviewer - I don’t think that’s a weakness

Me - I don’t give a shit what you think

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

I was asked about my weaknesses in a job interview

Me - my honesty

Interviewer - I don’t think that’s a weakness

Me - I don’t give a shit what you think

"
brilliant

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By *readzyMan
over a year ago

lutterworth

lesbian joins weightwatchers

teacher says "you are what you eat"

lesbian says "are you calling me a cunt?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about those two blokes who nicked a calendar?

They both got six months.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My fab life is the best joke.

Get deleted more than a paedophile's hard drive.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.'

You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Aussie replied, 'These are Carols.!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a line of Barbie dolls?

A Barbie que!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A copper arrives at my door and says, ‘your dog’s attacked a girl on a bike.’

I said, ‘I don’t think so mate. He doesn’t know how to ride a bike.’

Here all week xx

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By *hippendale.Man
over a year ago

Preston

A blonde drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read "1 Hour Only," but she wanted 2 hours to shop so she parked across 2 spaces.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boy comes from school finds dad fucking his mum doggy style , the dad winks at the son and tells him to go.

Next day dad comes in from work find the son got the nan bent over fuking her, son winks and says, don’t like it when it’s your mum do you!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Boy comes from school finds dad fucking his mum doggy style , the dad winks at the son and tells him to go.

Next day dad comes in from work find the son got the nan bent over fuking her, son winks and says, don’t like it when it’s your mum do you!! "

very good x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Boy comes from school finds dad fucking his mum doggy style , the dad winks at the son and tells him to go.

Next day dad comes in from work find the son got the nan bent over fuking her, son winks and says, don’t like it when it’s your mum do you!!

very good x"

Tickled me too!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Teacher says to her pupils ‘’ make up a story and the story has to have a moral’’ so she asks little jimmy to tell his story.

‘’ my grandad was in the trenches in ww1 , 500 Germans came into the English trenches and killed all the British soldiers apart from my grandad coz he pretended to be dead and when the Germans went back over no mans land to their trenches my grandad found 2 bottles of whiskey , picked up his gun and grenades marched over no mans land into the German trenches and killed 500 Germans single handed’’ the teacher says ‘’ that’s a nice story but what is the moral ? Jimmy replied ‘’ don’t fuck with my grandad when he’s pissed !!

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

"Boy comes from school finds dad fucking his mum doggy style , the dad winks at the son and tells him to go.

Next day dad comes in from work find the son got the nan bent over fuking her, son winks and says, don’t like it when it’s your mum do you!! "

So wrong....yet so funny

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By *erry bull1Man
over a year ago

doncaster

2 sperm cells swimming along.

1 says to the other .

How long before we reach the eggs .

The other replies, it will be a while yet, we've only just past the tonsils

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By *readzyMan
over a year ago

lutterworth

Why is the middle of a womans torso called a waist?

Cos theres easily enough room for another 6 tits

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishing!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My profile it would appear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Elton John brilliant on the piano but sucks at the organ

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By *picknspanMan
over a year ago

North West Leeds

Teacher says to Tommy "You weren't in school yesterday. Why?"

Tommy says "Me dad got burnt"

"Oh sorry" says the Teacher "Not too badly I hope"

Tommy replied "They don't fuck about at the crematorium miss!"

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Man walks in library and asks librarian have they any book on Tourette's

The librarian say's " Fuck off you daft twat "

The man say's " yeah, that's the one".

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By *picknspanMan
over a year ago

North West Leeds

Read the dictionary. Not bad.

At first I thought the Aardvaark did it. In the end it was the Zulu. Plot was pretty poor but the vocabulary was fantastic.

Two monkeys in a bath.

One said "Oh oh oh ha"

The other said "Put some cold in you twat!"

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By *ackDMissMorganCouple
over a year ago

Halifax

I bought some aftershave the other day. Got of the shop and opened it up but the bottle was empty.

I stormed back in to the shop and told them they were out of odour!!

I'll get mi coat.

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By *picknspanMan
over a year ago

North West Leeds

Theft in a multi storey car park.

Wrong on every level.

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By *picknspanMan
over a year ago

North West Leeds

AA came out to my broken down car the other day. He looked under the bonnet and after a few minutes announced "Shit in the carburettor"

I said "Fine. How often do I do that?"

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By *apstarMan
over a year ago

Harpenden

I got over 2 messages from beautfull lady's today. Wanting too meet up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the diferance between a prostitute and a whore. A pro wil go with anybody and a whore wil go with anybody but you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A group of Migrants get off a boat and are met by customs . Customs quiz 3 men who happens to be brothers.

Name he asks the 1st brother

Amir comes the reply

and you he says to the next

Amir Aswell

and you to the 3rd brother

Amir Awell Asim

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

My friend went bald a couple of years ago but still carries around his 9ld comb with him

He can't part with it

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

Sent my hearing aid in for repair 3 weeks ago

I've heard nothing since

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 10/01/19 12:15:25]

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"Man buys a budgie and puts it in his Lounge.

Next day budgie says " I'm a Glasgow Budgie me , I'm Hard as Fucking nails"

The bird repeats this every morning until the man cant stand it anymore.

He gets a Kestrel and puts it in the cage with the budgie. Next morning the Kestrel is dead and the budgie says " I'm a Glasgow Budgie me , I'm Hard as Fucking nails"

Right i'll sort you out says the man and puts a huge Buzzard into the cage.

Next morning the buzzard is stone dead and the budgie says " I'm a Glasgow Budgie me , I'm Hard as Fucking nails"

No new jokes I'm sorry just a couple of old one's.

A grizzly bear walk's into a pub and says to barman.

"Hello could I have a pint of.............larger please"

Barman says sure but why the big pause?

Bear says holding his arms and paws in front of him.

"Coz I'm a grizzly bear"

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"A group of Migrants get off a boat and are met by customs . Customs quiz 3 men who happens to be brothers.

Name he asks the 1st brother

Amir comes the reply

and you he says to the next

Amir Aswell

and you to the 3rd brother

Amir Awell Asim

Blimey

Telephone call for this joke,it's the 70's calling they want their racist joke back please.

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"A copper arrives at my door and says, ‘your dog’s attacked a girl on a bike.’

I said, ‘I don’t think so mate. He doesn’t know how to ride a bike.’

Here all week xx "

LOL

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love sex when camping it’s fucking intense

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By *alldarksurreyMan
over a year ago

surrey

I've only got a step ladder,i never knew my real ladder

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By *ooliganMan
over a year ago

Preston

A lorry carrying pallets of Alphabetti Spaghetti has overturned on the M6...

Police say it could have spelt disaster.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've only got a step ladder,i never knew my real ladder"

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

I met a girl on here that was shit at multiple choice questions, but at least she ticked all the boxes!!

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By *ooliganMan
over a year ago

Preston

A lady from Manchester has been attacked by a troup of mime artists...

A police spokesperson said they committed unspeakable acts.

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By *irenGuy70Man
over a year ago

Cirencester

I met the man who invented the window sill. What a ledge!

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By *ooliganMan
over a year ago

Preston

A lorry carrying thosands of gallons of blue and red paint has shed its load on the M61...

Police say hundreds of motorists have been marooned.

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By *irenGuy70Man
over a year ago

Cirencester

Does anyone know if it's possible to take a skin graft from your bum and put it on someone that isn't a family member? Arse skin for a friend.

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

Man goes into a shop and asks the sales assistant "do you keep stationary?"

She replies "up until the last minute then I go absolutely frantic"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

"Does anyone know if it's possible to take a skin graft from your bum and put it on someone that isn't a family member? Arse skin for a friend. "

Excellent

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man fucks Kebab

Gets Donnarea

Looooooool

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whole town in Yorkshire gone missing

Police are looking for Leeds

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By *ain n MableWoman
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

My mate got arrested for beating his wife.

The judge asked him "why do you keep beating her"

My mate replied "I think it's my weight advantage, my longer reach and my superior footwork"

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By *r FirecrackerMan
over a year ago

London

A 14 year old boy walks past his parents bedroom and hears his mother screaming with pleasure, he bursts in!!

Son - “Dad what are you doing to mum?”

Dad - “Go to your room son I will see you in 10 minutes ha ha ha ha”

10 minutes passes and dad goes to see his son, as he approaches the bedroom he hears screams of pleasure. Dad bursts in to see his son fucking his own Gran!!

Dad - “Son!! What on earth are you doing!!!”

Son - “Not so funny when it’s your mum getting fucked is it”

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By *ifty69Man
over a year ago

north tyneside

Q;whats the definition of Geordie foreplay ?

A; brace yourself pet !!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son asked me to stop doing my Flamingo impression.

Well, I just had to put my foot down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man is lying in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask.

'Nurse' he says, 'are my testicles bkack?'

The nurse lifts his gown, takes his penis in one hand and hus balls in the other and replies 'there's nothing wrong with them sir'

'That was really lovely' he says 'but listen carefully. Are my test results back?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into a clock shop and flops his dick on the counter.

Shop keeper says, I think you misread the name on the door, this is a clock shop.

Man says, well put 2 hands on that.

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

My Geordie mate couldn't understand why Aldi wasn't open 24 hours!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Neal Armstrong " Houston , can I pee in my spacesuit?". Houston-" No,put it on"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friend with benefits has just been given the sack from the local pet shop

She got caught with her hand in the trill

*actually collecting my coat and walking to the door

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My john Thomas is a bit of a joke fabbers

It's only about 3 and a half inches........

From the floor

*said coat on and out of the fire exit ...hurriedly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to a clock shop yesterday

Straight up to the counter,very very attractive assistant,And simply popped my penis on the counter

*a thudding sound

Unstartled, she replied

Sir this is a clock shop

Not a cock shop

So I said ....Yes,I know,

Put a couple of hands on that

*actually getting hit with lots of rotten fruit as exiting the building

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

Finally found a way to make my cock 7inches long.

Folded it in half!

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

Husband and wife are having sex, when young son walk's in.

Startled the man pulls out exposing the mums pussythe boy with a very confused look on his face points at it and asks

"Daddy what is that ?"

Thinking quickly dad says

"That's mummies Pussycat"

So the boy appeased with the answer wonder's off.

The next day the boy walk's into the bathroom where granny is sitting on the toilet drying herself after a shower.

The boy looks at her vagina and instantly start's crying.

He runs down into the front room where mum and dad's are watching TV.

They look round and the boy running and crying shout's

"DADDY grannies Pussycat is dead !"

Dad replies

"Omg what do you mean,how do you know it's dead?"

The boy replies

"Coz it's mouth was open and it's tongue is hanging out ! "

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By *ouisebottomTV/TS
over a year ago

London

What's a gang bang girls favourite drink?

.... 7up in cider

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By *ty31Man
over a year ago

NW London

Why do men walk fast and women talk fast??

Because a man has three legs and a woman has four lips!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's a gang bang girls favourite drink?

.... 7up in cider

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do think there's a lot of people on here who take it far far too seriously tbh

Prob the best joke of the thread

It is a no strings attatched fornication site at the end of the day

Not Brian jacks superstars

Stop with the hoops n the tunnels

And more of the press ups and the squat thrusts

And you might just get one of Mr Jack's certificates

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By *picknspanMan
over a year ago

North West Leeds

Went to buy a watch yesterday.

Woman said 'Analogue?'

I said 'No. Just a watch'

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

"What's a gang bang girls favourite drink?

.... 7up in cider

Snow white thought that 7up was just a soft drink until she discovered Vodka

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger

#mindBlowimg

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger

#mindBlowimg"
u in a quote book today

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger

#mindBlowimgu in a quote book today

Thanks to Reddit !

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