FabSwingers.com forum: Your worst (best) joke

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm sure you peeps are sick of me posting so last thread from me for today

I remember when me and my mate had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.

She said “You lying bastard You told me you were a pilot in the red arrows.”

I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was walking down the street the other day when some nutter lobbed a kilo block of cheese and my head then a 6 pinter of milk!!!

How dairy!!!

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By *ovingittwoCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

What sort of dancing do you do in the bathroom?

'Tap dancing '

First ever joke my son told age 6

(27 now)

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

A sandwich walks into a pub. Bar man says, "sorry mate, we don't serve food".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s E.T. short for?

He’s only got little legs!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many Surrealist does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a female police officer with a shaved fanny?

Constable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was going to post a time travelling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Bloke goes to the opticians, he says "I've got a problem with my eyes, I can't see very far"

Optician says "Hmmm, ok come outside with me"

So they walk outside into the street and the optician says "look up there in the sky, what can you see?"

Bloke replies "Well, I can see the sun"

Optician says "Well how far do you want to fucking see?!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was going to post a time travelling joke, but you guys didn't like it. "

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

How can you judge how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock knock joke?

He won the no-bell prize this year

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

I took the shell off my racing snail, but it just made it more sluggish.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and stick?

A stick.

What's the difference between a good joke and timing? (That might be a spoken out loud joke).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In his Ark hives

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a Mexican whose lost his car?

Car-loss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and buys a round before all three sit down. Once finished the ostrich gets up and buys a round of drinks. All night long the bloke and ostrich buy the drinks until the barman finally asks, "what's with just you and the ostrich buying the drinks, what about the cat?"

Well, says the bloke, I found an old bottle washed up on the beach and when I opened it a genie came out and granted me one wish for releasing him.........so I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!

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By *hechapMan
over a year ago

Derry

"I'm sure you peeps are sick of me posting so last thread from me for today

I remember when me and my mate had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.

She said “You lying bastard You told me you were a pilot in the red arrows.”

I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”"

I would have said well you see that washing powder its my job here to pile it.

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By *hite1100Man
over a year ago

Hither Green

"How can you judge how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now. "

I like that one

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By *hite1100Man
over a year ago

Hither Green

What do you call a horny spice?

Cumin....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why has Edward Woodward got four D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Glaswegian guy brings his new girlfriend home & introduces her to his dad.

Son - "Da this is Amanda"

Dad - "It's a WHIT!!!!!

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By *hite1100Man
over a year ago

Hither Green

What’s the difference between a decent prime minister and a fucking shite one?

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/756376/14_November_Explainer_for_the_agreement_on_the_withdrawal_of_the_United_Kingdom_of_Great_Britain_and_Northern_Ireland_from_the_European_Union___1_.pdf

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My oson asked me the other day.

"dad, are you a left boob?

I said," no son".

He sai, "you must be a right tit then".

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

What do we want????....... Time travel!!!

When do we want it???...... It's irrelevant!!!

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By *DKinkyJenTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone

"How many Surrealist does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish!"

Doesn’t that go into intellectual category though.

Anyway my favourite bad joke was one that I have delivered precious at a club because someone promised but then couldn’t come up with a joke about Penguins:

Why don’t Polar Bears eat Penguins

They can’t get the wrapper off

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By *rSwaggerMan
over a year ago

Northants

A forgetful Englishman walks into a pub.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

- What's the difference between E.T. and a Polish man in the UK?

- E.T. wants to go home.

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By *ouplewatcher83Man
over a year ago

Northwich

All my partners leave me because of my pasta fetish

I'm feeling cannelloni

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"- What's the difference between E.T. and a Polish man in the UK?

- E.T. wants to go home."

OOF RIGHT IN THE GUTS.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wrote a song about a Tortilla basically it's a W-Rap

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"- What's the difference between E.T. and a Polish man in the UK?

- E.T. wants to go home.

OOF RIGHT IN THE GUTS.

gotta love jokes, right?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"- What's the difference between E.T. and a Polish man in the UK?

- E.T. wants to go home.

OOF RIGHT IN THE GUTS.

gotta love jokes, right?

Here's one that's quite Fab appropriate! It's actually originally a Russian joke. Go look up Poruchik!

Kniaz Andrei Bolkonski asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how did you come to be so good with the ladies? What is your secret?" / "It's quite simple, my Prince, quite simple. I just come over and say: 'Madame, would you like to fuck?'" / "But Poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!" / "Yes, some of them slap, but most of them fuck."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shakespeare walks into a pub

The barman says "get out, you're bard"

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Two fish in a tank and one says to the other...

"Do you know how to drive this?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I took the shell off my racing snail, but it just made it more sluggish. "
I'm sorry but this needs a lot more Praise than it got (

)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I took the shell off my racing snail, but it just made it more sluggish. "

Love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's brown and stick?

A stick.

What's the difference between a good joke and timing? (That might be a spoken out loud joke)."

What's yellow and smells of bananas?

Bananas

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why has Edward Woodward got four D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar!"

This is my go-to joke. The funnier thing is that I always get the giggles and can't finish it

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By *ovingittwoCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

"I took the shell off my racing snail, but it just made it more sluggish. I'm sorry but this needs a lot more Praise than it got (

)

Agreed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I dreamt I won a car last night.

The only trouble is when I woke up this morning, all I had was the horn!

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Man lives next door to a Central European couple.

One day his goose flies over the dividing fence and lays an egg in the couples garden

The man goes to ask for the egg to which he gets abuse, saying’ in Central Europe if things are on your land, they are yours!’.

He points out that ‘we are in England and subject to English values’.

He gets more abuse about my property my egg.

The man then say, ‘ as we are in England there is a custom to settle disputes, I kick you in the Belloc then you in return kick me in the bollox and the first to give in the other would get the egg. The man of the couple agreed.

The man gives the male of the couple an almighty kick in the bollox to which the Central European man falls to his knees gasping for breath.

After a few minutes he gets up and says, ‘my turn’.

The man turns round and says, ‘you keep the egg’.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why has Edward Woodward got four D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar!

This is my go-to joke. The funnier thing is that I always get the giggles and can't finish it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There was an explosion in the cheese factory, when the emergency services arrived all that was left was de bris

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By *ayMyName2018Man
over a year ago

Where the Wild Things Are

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg.

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

What's a fish without an eye called... Fsh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's a fish without an eye called... Fsh"

that always gets me hahahahaha

A Rabbi, an Immam, a Priest, a Nun, a horse and two ducks walk into a pub....landlord says ‘fuck this for a joke’

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

As kids me and my brothers liked this one we made up...

What did the man say to the man?

Man

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By *ugga MannMan
over a year ago

Heathrow

Two elephants fall off a cliff ... boom boom!

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"There's a black fella, a Pakistani and a jew in a nightclub....

What a fine example of an integrated community!! "

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

""There's a black fella, a Pakistani and a jew in a nightclub....

What a fine example of an integrated community!! "

One for the fast show lovers out there!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""There's a black fella, a Pakistani and a jew in a nightclub....

What a fine example of an integrated community!! "

One for the fast show lovers out there!! "

hahahahaha

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street.

One says "Ooo, Ooo I've never come this way before"

The other one says "I'm not surprised. There's roadworks and a diversion"

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Makes a change from the other nun going... N n n Nei either either ther have I I I

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By *appyjack7890Man
over a year ago

Brigg

Knock knock

Who's there?

Panther

Panther who?

Panth on or panth off, im going sthwimming anyway

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

What do you call a dirty Chinese crab?

A crusty asian.

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By *REEPALESTINEMan
over a year ago

derby

"What do you call a dirty Chinese crab?

A crusty asian. "

Why don't black people go on cruises?

Not falling for that one again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What would happen if you cut off your left side?

You would be all right.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Good food, no atmosphere

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By *hunderstruckMan
over a year ago

Northampton

What’s the difference between jam and marmalade???

You can’t marmalade your cock up your Mrs arse

I’ll get me coat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some of these jokes are the worst ever, but I can't stop giggling!

I am soo weak!

#hmpf

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea. (No eye deer)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a donkey with one leg shorter than the others?

A wonkey donkey.

What do you call a donkey with only one eye and one leg shorter than the others?

A winkey wonkey donkey.

What do you call a donkey with only one eye, one leg shorter than the others who smells really bad?

A stinky winkey wonkey donkey.

What do you call a donkey with only one eye, one leg shorter than the other, who smells really bad and whose playing the piano?

A plinky plonkey stinkey winkey wonkey donkey.

Shall I go on?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a good looking Pakistani?

Asif

*wonders how long I’ll get “time out” for*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Indian karaoke star ...

Geruptasingh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an alien with no eyes?

Alen

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Spent all morning in the wardrobe. Wife asked me what I was doing. I said "its Narnia business"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took my girlfriend Eileen to an orgy last week, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One more for the sapiophiles, then I'm off to bed ...

F:x - 3x + 9 goes into a pub and asks for a cheese sandwich. "Sorry," says the barman, "but we don't cater for functions"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the buffalo say to his son as he was leaving?

Bison.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock

"whose there"

"help me"

"help me who"

Noise and screaming takes place outside door.

knock knock,

No answer

knock knock

No answer,

Other voices," thank fuck we've finally killed one bastard off! We'll get the other cunt next time!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

- What's the difference between oooh and aaah?

- About 2 inches.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss? About two feet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

- What's the speed limit of sex?

- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"- What's the speed limit of sex?

- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around."

Are you offering to take me for a spin then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"- What's the speed limit of sex?

- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around.

Are you offering to take me for a spin then.

No.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"- What's the speed limit of sex?

- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around.

Are you offering to take me for a spin then.

No."

Not even an emoji to soften the blow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"- What's the speed limit of sex?

- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around.

Are you offering to take me for a spin then.

No.

Not even an emoji to soften the blow.

You don't tick my boxes. Sorry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a Irish double glazing sales man?

Paddy o'doors

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"- What's the speed limit of sex?

- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around.

Are you offering to take me for a spin then.

No.

Not even an emoji to soften the blow.

You don't tick my boxes. Sorry."

I was only joking.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do call a Frenchman in sandles

Philip flop

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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago

harrow

What’s a vegan bukakke - a Lass with 4 pepper sticks in her mouth

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By *obyn GravesTV/TS
over a year ago

1127 walnut avenue

heard this one the other day cracked me up

I've got a tranny friend from the north west.. she's got a Wigan address

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad, but don't worry......

I'll return.

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad, but don't worry......

I'll return."

Hehehehehe

Similar to my Bernard Righton jokes above..

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

2 chemists walk into a bar, one say 'can I have a glass of h20 please?', the other says 'can I get some h20 too?'.......... he died!

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By *ixFoot2nFun4UMan
over a year ago

gosport

What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? Computers don’t laugh at 3.5? floppies

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By *eeshelleTV/TS
over a year ago

Marlow

"I'm sure you peeps are sick of me posting so last thread from me for today

I remember when me and my mate had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.

She said “You lying bastard You told me you were a pilot in the red arrows.”

I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m really gutted as my local clairvoyant has closed his shop due to unforeseen circumstances.

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By *hunderstruckMan
over a year ago

Northampton

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder . There’s a few local people in and the barman serving .

He orders a drink and necks it down. Puts the glass on the bar and orders another .

Noticing the monkey the barman said “what’s with the monkey “

“Watch this “ said the man .

He punches the monkey in the face and he falls off his shoulder onto the floor . Gets up , undoes the mans fly , takes out his cock and gives him a blowjob.

The barman was amazed saying “I’ve never seen anything like that before” .

A gay man who was watching the event from the bar and asks . “Can anyone try that “

The man with the monkey says “ sure

If you like “

He stands up and moves toward him saying “ you won’t hit me too hard will you “.........

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By *hite1100Man
over a year ago

Hither Green

If three people shagging each other is a threesome, two is a twosome, that makes me handsome.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If three people shagging each other is a threesome, two is a twosome, that makes me handsome.

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