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Atrocious sex jokes

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Let’s hear your worst sex jokes. Even better if you’ve made them up yourself. Here’s one I made up...

I hear viagra abuse is a growing problem

Your turn

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you know if your room mate is gay ? His dick taste like shit .

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Two women fell in love with me so to avoid hurting either of them, I married them both. Wasn’t that big of me?

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else


"

Your turn "

If you're OK with innuendo I can give you one...?

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By *ddibleMan
over a year ago

Exeter Bristol Salisbury

Wife says to husband "I can't believe you fucked my sister!"

Husbands reply "she was lying there naked on my desk, what was I supposed to do?"

Wife replies "the fucking autopsy you sick bastard"

Was that too much? Have I gone too far again???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

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By *veready69Man
over a year ago

PLYMOUTH

How can you tell when your sister is on her period? This one's pretty rough....I'll stop here until someone actually asks for the punch.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The water bed fucked up the sex? Yes, we We just drifted apart!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How can you tell when your sister is on her period? This one's pretty rough....I'll stop here until someone actually asks for the punch....."

Requested

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Read 2nd or 3rd post re how to to tell if room mate is gay and substute words father and funny where appropriate...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally forgot about this one. Hahaha amazing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on your organ

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to be into necrophilia until some rotten cunt split on me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How can you tell when your sister is on her period? This one's pretty rough....I'll stop here until someone actually asks for the punch....."

When you taste the blood on your dads dick?

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench feeding the birds when a suspicious man in a long coat comes by. The ignore him at first, but then he whips open his coat & flashes his cock at them.

The first old lady had a stroke!

...but the second one couldn’t reach.

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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

Having sex in a lift is wrong on so many levels.

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By *tirluvMan
over a year ago

the right frame of mind -London

Do I really have to mention the children?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Eating a granny’s cunt is like eating a pork pie!

There’s crust and jelly before the meat.

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By *ebjonnsonMan
over a year ago

Maldon

Manning to thank for this one “how do you stop a dog shagging your leg?”

“Pick it up and suck it’s cock”

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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

What does skydiving and getting a blowjob from your granny have in common ???

.

.

You should never look down ...

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Don't watch 3D porn ., I got a knob in the eye

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By *hee CASAMan
over a year ago

Banterville

3 nurses walk past a bed and see a dead guy with a Boner so they say can't let that go to waste so the first one jumps on and fucks him second does the same 3rd one says can't man on my periods that say so he's dead he won't care so she say don't fuck it and she shags him too then just as She gets off he starts breathing and they apologise and say we thought u where dead he said a was but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman in town came up to me and said .."would you like to have sex?"

I had to dissapoint her ....

We had sex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I'm so easily distracted!

Ah well... back to it, I suppose

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Young boy goes into Butchers with a very large Condom and says to butcher a pound off

fillet and the butcher replies a pound you don't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between the OP's cock and a pizza?

The pizza is tasty.

His cock is not.

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow


"My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I'm so easily distracted!

Ah well... back to it, I suppose"

Brilliant!!

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow


"What's the difference between the OP's cock and a pizza?

The pizza is tasty.

His cock is not. "

Dick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's the difference between the OP's cock and a pizza?

The pizza is tasty.

His cock is not.

Dick"

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

I collapsed while giving a woman oral. I guess I can’t handle the lick ‘er

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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

During sex, the OP’s girlfriend always wants to talk to him.

Just the other night she called him from a hotel.

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow


"During sex, the OP’s girlfriend always wants to talk to him.

Just the other night she called him from a hotel."

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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago

liverpool wavertree picton clock

Teacher asks kids in school to come up with a word and use it in a sentence

First kid puts hand up and says "Rose"

Brilliant Mary the teacher says and can you put it in a sentence

Yes replies Mary . I was out with my father last week and he said " That rose garden looks nice "

Brilliant Mary , anyone else got a word the teacher asks

Little Jonny puts his hand up and says " contagious "

Brilliant and can you put it in a sentence Jonny

Yes miss last week me and my father where watching the neighbour paint his fence and my father said " that's gonna take that cunt ages "

Boom boom

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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

Why does the OP wear a kilt ?

Because Sheep can hear the unzipping trousers from a 100 yards away.

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

A guy meets a friend in a pub he hasn't seen for years. He asks how life has been treating him, as he is very smartly dressed and his Bentley is parked outside. His friend tells him that the best thing he ever did, and the secret to his success, was opening a brothel. It was an absolute money spinner, offering straight sex on the ground floor, gay male sex on the first floor, and child sex in the attic. Looking back now it was all worth it he says, although it was tough to begin with, as it was just him, the wife, and their kids..........

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A guy meets a friend in a pub he hasn't seen for years. He asks how life has been treating him, as he is very smartly dressed and his Bentley is parked outside. His friend tells him that the best thing he ever did, and the secret to his success, was opening a brothel. It was an absolute money spinner, offering straight sex on the ground floor, gay male sex on the first floor, and child sex in the attic. Looking back now it was all worth it he says, although it was tough to begin with, as it was just him, the wife, and their kids.......... "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you."

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By *ryst In IsoldeWoman
over a year ago

your imagination

Knock knock

Who's there?

The couple in the next room's headboard.

#truestory

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By *imply_SensualMan
over a year ago

Widnes

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means? I said "yeah, the drain is clogged again. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy phones into his boss “boss I can’t come in today, I’m sick”

Boss “how sick are you?”

Guy “I’m in bed with my sister”

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By *ily Con CarneTV/TS
over a year ago

Cornwall


"Eating a granny’s cunt is like eating a pork pie!

There’s crust and jelly before the meat. "

You've met me then... 'kin 'ell I'm so old I can't remember ....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why does the OP wear a kilt ?

Because Sheep can hear the unzipping trousers from a 100 yards away."
i asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he has had ?

He started counting and fell asleep

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you heard about the thalidomide porn star , he has an arm like a babys cock

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By *apmanMan
over a year ago

Holmfirth

Got my new viagra drops mixed up with my eye drops.

No boner, but I look really hard when I stare.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

Q. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?

A. They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

A. One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

Did you hear about the 2 Irish men who travelled to London to volunteer their services to a Harley Street fertility clinic?

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not technically a sex joke, but it made me laugh:

Guy in Asda with his mrs, he put a box of Stella in the trolley.

“What d’you think your doing”? asks his mrs.

“It’s on offer, £10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back we can’t afford it” she tells him.

A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.

“What you doin’” he asks?

“It makes my face look beautiful” she replies.

He answers “So does 24 cans of Stella, and it’s half the fu*king price”!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Took a viagra the other day and it got stuck in my throat.....

......I had a stuff neck for ages!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Took a viagra the other day and it got stuck in my throat.....

......I had a stuff neck for ages!!!"

Stiff would have been funnier lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Eating a granny’s cunt is like eating a pork pie!

There’s crust and jelly before the meat. "

Oh god . I like pork pie

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

Bloke goes into the pub with a big grin on his face.

"Where you been?"asks his mates.

"Picked up a girl near the railway tracks. Spent all weekend fucking her".

"Was she pretty?" asks his mates.

"Dunno" says he..."never found her head!"

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By *siancouple4femCouple
over a year ago

West Midlands

What's the difference between KFC and women?

Once you finished with the breast and thigh all you've got left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do Ferro Roche and David Beckham have in common?......

They both cum in a posh box

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By *eavensScentCouple
over a year ago

Southend

Some of these are brilliant!!

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By *anOnFire69Man
over a year ago

The bedroom

2 nuns in the bath

One says "where's the soap"

The other says "yeah it does a bit."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a Prostitute and a crème egg? You can lick out a crème egg for 60p

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By *he Mac LassWoman
over a year ago

Hefty Hideaway


"What's the difference between a Prostitute and a crème egg? You can lick out a crème egg for 60p"

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By *anOnFire69Man
over a year ago

The bedroom

I accidentally walked into a red light district. A girl walks up and says...

"do you wanna sleep with me for £100?"

I said "well, I'm not really tired,but I could do with the money"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd tell you the one about my pussy but you'll never get it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A recent survey said most women like a man to come in their face but on the Whole!

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

My wife thinks I have commitment issues.

Well, I say 'wife'..............

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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

Masturbating is wrong in some people's eyes...

Also, it stings....

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By *apmanMan
over a year ago

Holmfirth

Teacher taking a class on a nature trip gets stung on the hand by a hornet. She's crying with pain and a little boy says, Miss, Miss, put it in a bowl of cider. Luckily the driver has a can of cider, empties it into a bowl, and the teacher immerses her hand. Only to pull it out seconds later because it makes the pain excruciating. 'You stupid boy, what on earth were you thinking'

Bewildered the boy blubs 'I don't understand. My mum says when she gets a prick in her hand, she wants to get it in cider straight away'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do Scottish men wear kilts

Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

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By *anOnFire69Man
over a year ago

The bedroom

What do you do if you come across a gorilla in the jungle....

Wipe him off and say sorry.

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By *ild_oatsMan
over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

What's the difference between a blowjob and anal sex?

A blowjob makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

What’s the most popular soup on fab?

Cockaleekie

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ever had sex at a festival?...

... it’s f*cking in tents

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By *rumph650Man
over a year ago

Cardiff

What's green and fucks old age pensioners?

Me and my lucky raincoat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s yellow and eats nuts? Syphalis

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a zit and a priest? Zits wait till your a teenager to come on your face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *agluvrMan
over a year ago

Airdrie

The man who invented the world’s first vibrator came up with a novel slogan for his new company: “Built it and they will come”.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why’s your job like a crack whore?

Both suck.

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By *rMrsWestMidsCouple
over a year ago

Dudley


"Not technically a sex joke, but it made me laugh:

Guy in Asda with his mrs, he put a box of Stella in the trolley.

“What d’you think your doing”? asks his mrs.

“It’s on offer, £10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back we can’t afford it” she tells him.

A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.

“What you doin’” he asks?

“It makes my face look beautiful” she replies.

He answers “So does 24 cans of Stella, and it’s half the fu*king price”!!"

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex


"2 nuns in the bath

One says "where's the soap"

The other says "yeah it does a bit." "

same two nuns riding bicycles on a cobbled street. One nun says to the other:

"I've never come this way before"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's white and drips into the fireplace?

Santa coming down the chimney.

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