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Why stay in a sexless marriage?

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By *dam1971 OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedford

After yet another bout of abuse from people on private messages concerning me being married yet on here, I thought this research might be interesting to read.

There are plenty of people who see this situation as black or white: you’re happy so you stay together. You’re unhappy so just leave. Whilst this is sometimes well meant it’s often used as a way of putting someone down - the married person must be so muddled that he can’t even see this simple answer.

Here's some actual research on why sexual people stay in relationships when there's no sex - it's a published, peer reviewed survey of 77 long term cohabiting male-female relationships. They used social exchange theory (basically people weighing up pros and cons) but they're emphatically not saying this is the only way to look at it, and encourage other research. They focus on sex, but acknowledge other factors can be involved.

It's only available on academic research libraries, so this is a summary. (If you do have access to academic research, the paper's The Decision to Remain in an Involuntarily Celibate Relationship, Denise A. Donnelly and Elisabeth O. Burgess, Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol 70, No 2 (May 2008), pp 519-535)

Previous surveys showed around 16% of long term couples had 'little to no' sexual activity

When relations (in general) are unequal, individuals can become distressed and attempt to limit costs, increase rewards, or find alternatives

As a general trend, sex declines over time in relationships

This can be caused by 'stressors' such as late-term pregnancy and post-natal period, time demands like work, children, ageing parents, illness (physical or mental), religious/moral guilt

Lower levels of sexual activity are correlated with unhappiness, though less so as couples age, and it's hard to unpick cause and effect

Lack of sexual satisfaction can cause a drop in or end to sexual activity

So can affairs - though again it's hard to unpick cause and and effect

Lack of sex correlates with the mental health issues for the partner who wants sex, including low self esteem and self worth, feelings of rejection and depression, and sexual and emotional frustration. The costs are high and make alternatives seem more appealing. Again, it's a correlation not a simple causation.

Romanticism, bonding, fondness, lower negativity about the relationship, and 'greater perceptions of "we-ness"' make couples feel the relationship is fair - ie neither side is contributing or taking much more than the other.

This study looked at:

rewards and costs - what are the pleasures and pains

alternatives - what else is available

fairness - is one side contributing more than the other

investments - how much time and effort has already been put in

prescriptions - ie societal expectations

They were researching four issues:

how do relationships become involuntarily celibate?

what are the consequences for the involuntarily celibate partner?

why do they stay?

what coping strategies do they use?

They defined 'involuntary celibacy' as having no 'pleasurable interpersonal physical interaction of a sexual or erotic nature' their partner for six months, despite wanting it, in relationships of at least a year The participants were 18 to over 65, but mostly 35-44, college education, professional and white. 95% were straight (the others bisexual) 80% had no children. They're not claiming a random, generalisable results because the sample was selected online. It's about interpreting the survey results to get insights for further research.

The results, in summary

(Respondents could choose multiple options, so the percentages don't necessarily add up to 100%)

For most couples, sex slowed down rather than stopped abruptly due to partner's lack of interest, relationship problems, changed physical appearance, addictions, illness, or affairs

94% of the partners not having sex said they strongly wanted a sexual relationship

For the partner wanting sex, it resulted in frustration (80%), depression (34%), rejection (23%), difficulty concentrating (26%) and low self esteem (35%)

This was particularly so when the involuntarily celibate partner perceived that other people in similar situations were in a more equitable partnership

Some stopped attempting to initiate entirely over multiple rejections

47% said their ideal relationship would be with their partner if they could improve the sexual component. They talked about friendship, shared history, despite the years of frustration. Men were more likely to stay because of their 'investment' to date.

12% said they stayed because of lack of alternatives, including feeling 'maybe this is as good as it gets'.

74% stayed because of love

47% stayed because of children

39% because of a shared finances

54% stayed because of the commitment to marriage

17% stayed for religious reasons

Coping strategies

invest energy elsewhere - 51% spent more time with other people, hobbies, or spent more time at work

find alternative sexual outlets - 79%

masturbated more (16% using porn, 26% increasing fantasisies); 14% cybersex, 13% phone sex, 26% physical affairs

compartmentalise their lives - ie not thinking about it - 13%

therapy - 33% although they said it didn't help (though if it had, they wouldn't be sexless so they wouldn't have been asked).

give up - 35%. They saw the situation as permanent and irreversible.

The researchers concluded that most participants felt or acted as if their investments outweighed the expenses of leaving. Social context was important for women in particular.

Some celibates (the researchers' term, let's not debate definitions here...) stayed because of companionship, love and friendship, even though they'd like regular sex.

----

In many ways, it's slowly and painfully working out the bleedin' obvious, but it's good to have some actual data, rather than everybody's personal impressions.

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By *tella HeelsTV/TS
over a year ago

west here ford shire

Sorry lost the will to live trying to read this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So people take time out of their day to message a stranger privately and berate you for being married ?

It's a strange old world

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Money

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By *W ChapMan
over a year ago

Swindon

TLTR......but Marriage is not all about sex, there's loads of other things to consider.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You know your truth. Who cares what anyone else thinks.

Report abusive messages.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I read it all OP. It's interesting.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Peoples personal opinions are far more interesting than someone who wrote a paper..........ohhh that's their personal opinion too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find the ones who shout the loudest - have more to hide

Your life

Your choice

Whilst I don’t condone it , everyone has their own reasons for being on here. The holier than thou brigade can really be awful sometimes

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By *tella HeelsTV/TS
over a year ago

west here ford shire


"TLTR......but Marriage is not all about sex, there's loads of other things to consider."

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

Wow!

For a start, I didn't know that you were married and now I do know I still don't care (in the sense that it's none of my business). What you have posted sounds awfully familiar and pretty much sums up my presence on this site. Having been in an almost sexless relationship for the past 9 years I can certainly relate, specifically to the effects on my mental health. So what I really want to say is thank you, I now feel slightly better about myself!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Gave up reading this but what I eat is this.

When you first meet someone you dress nicely, you make an effort, you say and do nice stuff. Over time you end up in track suits or fluffy pyjamas and grunt at each other. Life gets in the way.

You need to make an effort, date nights, woo each other, cuddle up. Sex is an intimate act and needs for both parties to feel they want to engage in it, it starts within foreplay and that's not all sexual.

If sex is so important and the other person doesn't feel the same then I, personally, would leave as life's short and affairs always end up hurting someone

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By *tella HeelsTV/TS
over a year ago

west here ford shire

Due to my illness I couldn’t raise a flag yet alone anything else!!

So sometimes your partner has good readons

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Gave up reading this but what I eat is this.

When you first meet someone you dress nicely, you make an effort, you say and do nice stuff. Over time you end up in track suits or fluffy pyjamas and grunt at each other. Life gets in the way.

You need to make an effort, date nights, woo each other, cuddle up. Sex is an intimate act and needs for both parties to feel they want to engage in it, it starts within foreplay and that's not all sexual.

If sex is so important and the other person doesn't feel the same then I, personally, would leave as life's short and affairs always end up hurting someone "

My husband and I did that exactly. Being best buddies wasn’t enough in the end.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Gave up reading this but what I see is this.

When you first meet someone you dress nicely, you make an effort, you say and do nice stuff. Over time you end up in track suits or fluffy pyjamas and grunt at each other. Life gets in the way.

You need to make an effort, date nights, woo each other, cuddle up. Sex is an intimate act and needs for both parties to feel they want to engage in it, it starts within foreplay and that's not all sexual.

If sex is so important and the other person doesn't feel the same then I, personally, would leave as life's short and affairs always end up hurting someone "

Where did the eat at the start come from!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Gave up reading this but what I eat is this.

When you first meet someone you dress nicely, you make an effort, you say and do nice stuff. Over time you end up in track suits or fluffy pyjamas and grunt at each other. Life gets in the way.

You need to make an effort, date nights, woo each other, cuddle up. Sex is an intimate act and needs for both parties to feel they want to engage in it, it starts within foreplay and that's not all sexual.

If sex is so important and the other person doesn't feel the same then I, personally, would leave as life's short and affairs always end up hurting someone "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Gave up reading this but what I eat is this.

When you first meet someone you dress nicely, you make an effort, you say and do nice stuff. Over time you end up in track suits or fluffy pyjamas and grunt at each other. Life gets in the way.

You need to make an effort, date nights, woo each other, cuddle up. Sex is an intimate act and needs for both parties to feel they want to engage in it, it starts within foreplay and that's not all sexual.

... "

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds


"I read it all OP. It's interesting. "

I read it all too. It is the opinions of 77 people who filled out an online survey 10 years ago.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I read it all OP. It's interesting.

I read it all too. It is the opinions of 77 people who filled out an online survey 10 years ago. "

And?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I read it all OP. It's interesting.

I read it all too. It is the opinions of 77 people who filled out an online survey 10 years ago. "

77 people isn’t a lot at all.

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By *dam1971 OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedford


"I read it all OP. It's interesting.

I read it all too. It is the opinions of 77 people who filled out an online survey 10 years ago.

77 people isn’t a lot at all. "

Very true, it’s not a final and conclusive argument, just an opener that’s slightly better researched than “she’s getting it from somewhere else, mate”

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By *rsTrellisWoman
over a year ago

Cambridge

This was really interesting. I think that one partner unilaterally ending the sex lives of both can have a devestating effect. Reasons are many and complex but the sense of loss is immense.

Adam - I’m shocked you get abusive messages. That’s awful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"So people take time out of their day to message a stranger privately and berate you for being married ?

It's a strange old world "
they do it publicly in forums to, marriage and staying together is a complex subject, many stay together for their children and the financial ties and also because they actually like/love the person they married and I would say that if you could seperate the act of sex from emotion then playing away is fine if you can't that's another story. For me sex is an emotion it embodies a closeness to a human being a woman you not only fancy but like as a person, so I had to leave my sexless marriage but not because of sex in isolation, a lot of people here have ended up here because a partner cheated but we are all different and react differently, for me if a person an adult wants to play away then that is their decision and not for me to judge them or anyone else, they can make an informed decision not to meet you but only if you admit to it. However nobody has a right to be personally abusive if you don't like it stay away, obviously in the forum you can discuss and give argument but still avoiding personal attacks everyone has a right to do what they think is right for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sorry lost the will to live trying to read this"

Maybe he should have done a thought-provoking kiss, fuck, avoid thread, eh?

Good work OP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I read it all OP. It's interesting.

I read it all too. It is the opinions of 77 people who filled out an online survey 10 years ago.

77 people isn’t a lot at all.

Very true, it’s not a final and conclusive argument, just an opener that’s slightly better researched than “she’s getting it from somewhere else, mate”"

Haha, that comment.

Well yes, I agree.

Although nobody knows anyone’s circumstances and the way I see it is, if one half of the partnership can cheat and hide it from their other well, then the other half can do it effectively too. Might not be the case, but it might be!

I don’t condone cheating or meet married men knowingly, but I don’t understand the need for people to send abusive message to others for their choices. It’s madness.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As with all things OP people have opinions likes and dislikes that's the way it is. Personally we have no issue with anyone's individual situation it's fab not a relationship. The only thing we do that's different with single guys is we never accomdate other than that it's the person not their situation we are interested in. But we respect others views may be different. Male

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By *loswingersCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

Whenever this comes up , I think the same thing .

First off , it’s somsad that people take the time and effort to send messages to people berating them for their choices .

And secondly , why do people judge those who do something positive to try and remedy an issue ?

Of course we think cheating is wrong , but there are often reasons for this path being taken . Most wouldn’t cheat if they didn’t feel the need to . And there are so many legitimate reasons .

Personally I would be off like a shot if my wife went off sex with me . If she was sick that would be different , but to just go off it would be a dealbreaker .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We all try to justify our wrong doings.

Often people lash out at others that have commited the same wrong that was done to them.

Luckily on here you have the block button and don't need to deal with it face to face.

It's your life and your buisness.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's sad that you get judged OP.

That said, I don't meet married people- not because of any moral reason - but I was mislead by a married man on here for months and it ended with my heart being broken.

You know why you are here. No need to justify it to anyone else. Let's be honest we are all here looking for something that is missing.

I think the research is interesting and having been the cheater and the cheatee (if that wasn't a word before, it is now!) I can recognise so much of that.

Saying that, I left and am much happier for doing so. I think lack of sex is an indicator of something bigger being wrong in the relationship anyway (unless due to illness etc). X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I read it all OP. It's interesting.

I read it all too. It is the opinions of 77 people who filled out an online survey 10 years ago.

77 people isn’t a lot at all.

Very true, it’s not a final and conclusive argument, just an opener that’s slightly better researched than “she’s getting it from somewhere else, mate”"

That's how I read it. As different opinions/ reasons. % stats mean nothing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not sure if you're posting to debate or justify to yourself?

Ultimately you have 24 verifications. Has that improved your marriage now that your sex life is active?

Every case is individual with no one solution I guess.

People who get angry about a total strangers situation are invariably dealing with their own demons I'm guessing.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think people also forget that both partners are staying in the sex less relationship. If the person who's on fab was that bad surely the other one would leave

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I never understand why anybody feels the need to justify themselves to complete strangers.

Some marriages are a sham I think sites such as this one proves that beyond doubt.

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By *ust PeachyWoman
over a year ago

Prestonish

I didn’t cheat in my last long term relationship but sex was a rarity!

I was often called a sex pest for trying to initiate sex! If I asked for reasons for the rebuttal I was often told it was because I was ‘piling the weight on’ (I was a size 12 at the time!)

To try to rectify the situation I hit the gym regularly and lost over a stone to become a size 10. When I approached him for sex again (near the end of our relationship) he admitted that it was nothing to do with my weight or appearance and that - before meeting me - he’d had a very low sex drive and that had simply returned a few years into our relationship!

When I became single it was many months before I ‘risked’ dating sites etc as I was convinced I was overweight (though I was a size 10), ugly and past it! Constant rejection destroys your self esteem!

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We were both in the same situation. It was quite a quite complex dynamic for both of us with our respective partners. However, short answer?

We walked away, left everything behind and started our new life together.

End - ex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" I'm not sure if you're posting to debate or justify to yourself?

Ultimately you have 24 verifications. Has that improved your marriage now that your sex life is active? "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sex for me shouldn't be the sole reason for leaving a partner whom you have children and an established life with, cheating on a partner is fine by me as long as you accept the consequences of being caught out.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke

Eh? 80% had no children but 47% stayed for the children???

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak! "

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone.

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

That's why I'll probably never get married, it's like having a load of furniture blocking a fire door...

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


"That's why I'll probably never get married, it's like having a load of furniture blocking a fire door..."

If my kids were in a fire then I'd rather die with them than be the lone survivor. The use your own anology.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

An interesting read OP thanks for posting

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York


"That's why I'll probably never get married, it's like having a load of furniture blocking a fire door...

If my kids were in a fire then I'd rather die with them than be the lone survivor. The use your own anology. "

I don't have those either

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


"That's why I'll probably never get married, it's like having a load of furniture blocking a fire door...

If my kids were in a fire then I'd rather die with them than be the lone survivor. The use your own anology.

I don't have those either "

Then I wouldn't bother getting married if you don't want them. Kids are the only serious case I can make for why you'd want to get married in the first place, as a man.

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York


"That's why I'll probably never get married, it's like having a load of furniture blocking a fire door...

If my kids were in a fire then I'd rather die with them than be the lone survivor. The use your own anology.

I don't have those either

Then I wouldn't bother getting married if you don't want them. Kids are the only serious case I can make for why you'd want to get married in the first place, as a man. "

Yeah, out of all the friends I had growing up, my parents were the only ones still together when I got into my teens, and at least two thirds of my friends who got married in their 20's are already divorced, it doesn't make it something I want to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Eh? 80% had no children but 47% stayed for the children??? "

Was it 47% of The remaining 20%? So less than 10%?

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


"Eh? 80% had no children but 47% stayed for the children???

Was it 47% of The remaining 20%? So less than 10%? "

I don't think so, I thought it might have been a typo from the OP ?

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By *orwegian BlueMan
over a year ago

Iceland, but Aldi is closer..


"This was really interesting. I think that one partner unilaterally ending the sex lives of both can have a devestating effect. Reasons are many and complex but the sense of loss is immense.

Adam - I’m shocked you get abusive messages. That’s awful.

"

I am not.. some peoples minds are infinitely narrow and seem to take pleasure in giving out abuse...

Maybe that is the reason for them being single in the first place, they may say personal choice, well personal choice is why some decide to stay in a sexless relationship.

Every individual circumstance is personal to those involved with many factors complicating the situation.

Nothing in life is a black and white as we would like to think and this is just another shade of the greys (or whatever colour you prefer from the dulux colour chart) that makes up our personal lives.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This was really interesting. I think that one partner unilaterally ending the sex lives of both can have a devestating effect. Reasons are many and complex but the sense of loss is immense.

Adam - I’m shocked you get abusive messages. That’s awful.

I am not.. some peoples minds are infinitely narrow and seem to take pleasure in giving out abuse...

Maybe that is the reason for them being single in the first place, they may say personal choice, well personal choice is why some decide to stay in a sexless relationship.

Every individual circumstance is personal to those involved with many factors complicating the situation.

Nothing in life is a black and white as we would like to think and this is just another shade of the greys (or whatever colour you prefer from the dulux colour chart) that makes up our personal lives."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Eh? 80% had no children but 47% stayed for the children??? "
maybe highlighting the inconsistencies of statistics

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love?

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By *dam1971 OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedford


" I'm not sure if you're posting to debate or justify to yourself?

Ultimately you have 24 verifications. Has that improved your marriage now that your sex life is active?

Every case is individual with no one solution I guess."

I posted it as a debate and to emphasise your last point - there’s no one solution.

Being on here has had some effect on my marriage because it’s had a positive effect on how I can see myself. After a dozen or more years of being shown that I wasn’t sexually attractive I believed it myself. Now I know that’s not true.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


" I'm not sure if you're posting to debate or justify to yourself?

Ultimately you have 24 verifications. Has that improved your marriage now that your sex life is active?

Every case is individual with no one solution I guess.

I posted it as a debate and to emphasise your last point - there’s no one solution.

Being on here has had some effect on my marriage because it’s had a positive effect on how I can see myself. After a dozen or more years of being shown that I wasn’t sexually attractive I believed it myself. Now I know that’s not true."

Dude that 80% / 47% is driving me nuts, please clarify

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By *dam1971 OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedford


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone. "

Saying people are stupid probably turns more off to your point than anything, which is a shame because what you say needs further exploration.

More understanding of expectations would go a long way, I agree.

However could you really be held to something you said 10+ years ago? I might have said I’d always have a smile on my face when I was 25 but after a few years of sleepless nights with children, problems with parents and a job that grinds the life out of you, your outlook might change.

I think I would look a bit childish waving a bit of paper around that says “twice a week and that’s that”

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By *dam1971 OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedford


" Dude that 80% / 47% is driving me nuts, please clarify "

I’m not sure I can check that without the source material, but as so many were aged 35-44 I think 80% having children is a bit low?

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By *mp411Man
over a year ago

chester

But what about the married women on here I will bet my last pound that they don’t get abuse about being married....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"But what about the married women on here I will bet my last pound that they don’t get abuse about being married....

"

I have! And I’m here with full consent and encouragement from my husband

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"But what about the married women on here I will bet my last pound that they don’t get abuse about being married....

"
Everyone gets abuse here, it's fairly dished out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"But what about the married women on here I will bet my last pound that they don’t get abuse about being married....

I have! And I’m here with full consent and encouragement from my husband "

Let’s see if he replies.

This trend of “What about the other gender” is getting old now.

Anyone who feels the need to send abuse to someone else for their choices needs their head checking, several times.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


" Dude that 80% / 47% is driving me nuts, please clarify

I’m not sure I can check that without the source material, but as so many were aged 35-44 I think 80% having children is a bit low?"

How are 36 (47%) staying in an involuntary sexless marriage when only 15 of the 77 (20%) have kids?

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By *mp411Man
over a year ago

chester

It’s just an observation honestly it’s the first time I’ve heard a woman gets abuse for being married

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


" Dude that 80% / 47% is driving me nuts, please clarify

I’m not sure I can check that without the source material, but as so many were aged 35-44 I think 80% having children is a bit low?

How are 36 (47%) staying in an involuntary sexless marriage when only 15 of the 77 (20%) have kids? "

How are 36 (47%) staying in an involuntary sexless marriage for the kids when only 15 of the 77 (20%) have kids?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It’s just an observation honestly it’s the first time I’ve heard a woman gets abuse for being married "

Seriously?

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By *mp411Man
over a year ago

chester

Seriously first time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone. "

This is exactly why I'll never have a relationship with someone off this site. They are likely to be highly sexed and expect the same. If my sex drive decreases I'll get cheated on or dumped. I'd rather stay single. Also they're better off finding someone else more compatible - not me.

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By *ulfilthmentMan
over a year ago

Just around the corner


"I read it all OP. It's interesting. "

Likewise. Interesting to see some science on here.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone.

This is exactly why I'll never have a relationship with someone off this site. They are likely to be highly sexed and expect the same. If my sex drive decreases I'll get cheated on or dumped. I'd rather stay single. Also they're better off finding someone else more compatible - not me. "

In a marriage, you bring the sex and i bring the money. I have to get off my backside and go make that money which takes anything from 50-70 hours a week. You just need to lie down on your back for two sessions each lasting approximately five minutes, then think of England. There are few trades in life where you can exchange 10 minutes of your Labour, maybe less if you tickle my balls, for 60 hours of mine.

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By *dam1971 OP   Man
over a year ago

Bedford


"

In a marriage, you bring the sex and i bring the money. I have to get off my backside and go make that money which takes anything from 50-70 hours a week. You just need to lie down on your back for two sessions each lasting approximately five minutes, then think of England. There are few trades in life where you can exchange 10 minutes of your Labour, maybe less if you tickle my balls, for 60 hours of mine. "

The 1950s phoned, they’d like their family values back

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone.

This is exactly why I'll never have a relationship with someone off this site. They are likely to be highly sexed and expect the same. If my sex drive decreases I'll get cheated on or dumped. I'd rather stay single. Also they're better off finding someone else more compatible - not me.

In a marriage, you bring the sex and i bring the money. I have to get off my backside and go make that money which takes anything from 50-70 hours a week. You just need to lie down on your back for two sessions each lasting approximately five minutes, then think of England. There are few trades in life where you can exchange 10 minutes of your Labour, maybe less if you tickle my balls, for 60 hours of mine. "

You wouldn't enjoy that. Surely you'd want a woman to ride you like mad. Tease you after a hard day at work with stockings and a bj. 5 minutes fucking a sack of potatoes isn't fun. So my ex said.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone.

This is exactly why I'll never have a relationship with someone off this site. They are likely to be highly sexed and expect the same. If my sex drive decreases I'll get cheated on or dumped. I'd rather stay single. Also they're better off finding someone else more compatible - not me.

In a marriage, you bring the sex and i bring the money. I have to get off my backside and go make that money which takes anything from 50-70 hours a week. You just need to lie down on your back for two sessions each lasting approximately five minutes, then think of England. There are few trades in life where you can exchange 10 minutes of your Labour, maybe less if you tickle my balls, for 60 hours of mine.

You wouldn't enjoy that. Surely you'd want a woman to ride you like mad. Tease you after a hard day at work with stockings and a bj. 5 minutes fucking a sack of potatoes isn't fun. So my ex said. "

I'd rather she did all that with another guy while I recorded it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone.

This is exactly why I'll never have a relationship with someone off this site. They are likely to be highly sexed and expect the same. If my sex drive decreases I'll get cheated on or dumped. I'd rather stay single. Also they're better off finding someone else more compatible - not me.

In a marriage, you bring the sex and i bring the money. I have to get off my backside and go make that money which takes anything from 50-70 hours a week. You just need to lie down on your back for two sessions each lasting approximately five minutes, then think of England. There are few trades in life where you can exchange 10 minutes of your Labour, maybe less if you tickle my balls, for 60 hours of mine.

You wouldn't enjoy that. Surely you'd want a woman to ride you like mad. Tease you after a hard day at work with stockings and a bj. 5 minutes fucking a sack of potatoes isn't fun. So my ex said.

I'd rather she did all that with another guy while I recorded it "

Yeah I want a wife like that too.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple
over a year ago

Basingstoke


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone.

This is exactly why I'll never have a relationship with someone off this site. They are likely to be highly sexed and expect the same. If my sex drive decreases I'll get cheated on or dumped. I'd rather stay single. Also they're better off finding someone else more compatible - not me.

In a marriage, you bring the sex and i bring the money. I have to get off my backside and go make that money which takes anything from 50-70 hours a week. You just need to lie down on your back for two sessions each lasting approximately five minutes, then think of England. There are few trades in life where you can exchange 10 minutes of your Labour, maybe less if you tickle my balls, for 60 hours of mine.

You wouldn't enjoy that. Surely you'd want a woman to ride you like mad. Tease you after a hard day at work with stockings and a bj. 5 minutes fucking a sack of potatoes isn't fun. So my ex said.

I'd rather she did all that with another guy while I recorded it

Yeah I want a wife like that too. "

Only peasants have sex with their own wife once an heir is produced

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hope you told the pious arses where to go

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"After yet another bout of abuse from people on private messages concerning me being married yet on here, I thought this research might be interesting to read.

There are plenty of people who see this situation as black or white: you’re happy so you stay together. You’re unhappy so just leave. Whilst this is sometimes well meant it’s often used as a way of putting someone down - the married person must be so muddled that he can’t even see this simple answer.

Here's some actual research on why sexual people stay in relationships when there's no sex - it's a published, peer reviewed survey of 77 long term cohabiting male-female relationships. They used social exchange theory (basically people weighing up pros and cons) but they're emphatically not saying this is the only way to look at it, and encourage other research. They focus on sex, but acknowledge other factors can be involved.

It's only available on academic research libraries, so this is a summary. (If you do have access to academic research, the paper's The Decision to Remain in an Involuntarily Celibate Relationship, Denise A. Donnelly and Elisabeth O. Burgess, Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol 70, No 2 (May 2008), pp 519-535)

Previous surveys showed around 16% of long term couples had 'little to no' sexual activity

When relations (in general) are unequal, individuals can become distressed and attempt to limit costs, increase rewards, or find alternatives

As a general trend, sex declines over time in relationships

This can be caused by 'stressors' such as late-term pregnancy and post-natal period, time demands like work, children, ageing parents, illness (physical or mental), religious/moral guilt

Lower levels of sexual activity are correlated with unhappiness, though less so as couples age, and it's hard to unpick cause and effect

Lack of sexual satisfaction can cause a drop in or end to sexual activity

So can affairs - though again it's hard to unpick cause and and effect

Lack of sex correlates with the mental health issues for the partner who wants sex, including low self esteem and self worth, feelings of rejection and depression, and sexual and emotional frustration. The costs are high and make alternatives seem more appealing. Again, it's a correlation not a simple causation.

Romanticism, bonding, fondness, lower negativity about the relationship, and 'greater perceptions of "we-ness"' make couples feel the relationship is fair - ie neither side is contributing or taking much more than the other.

This study looked at:

rewards and costs - what are the pleasures and pains

alternatives - what else is available

fairness - is one side contributing more than the other

investments - how much time and effort has already been put in

prescriptions - ie societal expectations

They were researching four issues:

how do relationships become involuntarily celibate?

what are the consequences for the involuntarily celibate partner?

why do they stay?

what coping strategies do they use?

They defined 'involuntary celibacy' as having no 'pleasurable interpersonal physical interaction of a sexual or erotic nature' their partner for six months, despite wanting it, in relationships of at least a year The participants were 18 to over 65, but mostly 35-44, college education, professional and white. 95% were straight (the others bisexual) 80% had no children. They're not claiming a random, generalisable results because the sample was selected online. It's about interpreting the survey results to get insights for further research.

The results, in summary

(Respondents could choose multiple options, so the percentages don't necessarily add up to 100%)

For most couples, sex slowed down rather than stopped abruptly due to partner's lack of interest, relationship problems, changed physical appearance, addictions, illness, or affairs

94% of the partners not having sex said they strongly wanted a sexual relationship

For the partner wanting sex, it resulted in frustration (80%), depression (34%), rejection (23%), difficulty concentrating (26%) and low self esteem (35%)

This was particularly so when the involuntarily celibate partner perceived that other people in similar situations were in a more equitable partnership

Some stopped attempting to initiate entirely over multiple rejections

47% said their ideal relationship would be with their partner if they could improve the sexual component. They talked about friendship, shared history, despite the years of frustration. Men were more likely to stay because of their 'investment' to date.

12% said they stayed because of lack of alternatives, including feeling 'maybe this is as good as it gets'.

74% stayed because of love

47% stayed because of children

39% because of a shared finances

54% stayed because of the commitment to marriage

17% stayed for religious reasons

Coping strategies

invest energy elsewhere - 51% spent more time with other people, hobbies, or spent more time at work

find alternative sexual outlets - 79%

masturbated more (16% using porn, 26% increasing fantasisies); 14% cybersex, 13% phone sex, 26% physical affairs

compartmentalise their lives - ie not thinking about it - 13%

therapy - 33% although they said it didn't help (though if it had, they wouldn't be sexless so they wouldn't have been asked).

give up - 35%. They saw the situation as permanent and irreversible.

The researchers concluded that most participants felt or acted as if their investments outweighed the expenses of leaving. Social context was important for women in particular.

Some celibates (the researchers' term, let's not debate definitions here...) stayed because of companionship, love and friendship, even though they'd like regular sex.

----

In many ways, it's slowly and painfully working out the bleedin' obvious, but it's good to have some actual data, rather than everybody's personal impressions."

Learnt a bit here...

Ty for taking the time out to do this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I firmly believe that if people had more candid conversations about sex, sex drive, opinions on monogamy etc before committing to a serious relationship- there’d be a lot less affairs and heartbreak!

My goodness this. Every other week a single guy starts a thread about this subject. Every time I ask "So what expectations were set and agreed about sex before the marriage?" Then there's no reply or they don't seem to understand the concept. Never has anyone replied "Well we agreed it would always happen at least twice a week but she suddenly changed her mind one summers day". I get that not everyone is going to write a full blown marriage agreement, though it's a great idea, but most don't even discuss it. I feel sorry for people who get in this situation, but i think they are largely stupid for falling into the trap. No offence to anyone.

This is exactly why I'll never have a relationship with someone off this site. They are likely to be highly sexed and expect the same. If my sex drive decreases I'll get cheated on or dumped. I'd rather stay single. Also they're better off finding someone else more compatible - not me.

In a marriage, you bring the sex and i bring the money. I have to get off my backside and go make that money which takes anything from 50-70 hours a week. You just need to lie down on your back for two sessions each lasting approximately five minutes, then think of England. There are few trades in life where you can exchange 10 minutes of your Labour, maybe less if you tickle my balls, for 60 hours of mine.

You wouldn't enjoy that. Surely you'd want a woman to ride you like mad. Tease you after a hard day at work with stockings and a bj. 5 minutes fucking a sack of potatoes isn't fun. So my ex said.

I'd rather she did all that with another guy while I recorded it

Yeah I want a wife like that too.

Only peasants have sex with their own wife once an heir is produced "

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