FabSwingers.com forum: Helping a friend with depression

By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Long story short my friend is having the most horrendous time.

He has everything going for him and his personal circumstances are very good. (I know this doesn’t matter but it adds background)

However he is having a terrible time and I want to try and help him. He knows I’m there for him but he will not accept any help.

I don’t want to force anything on him per se and I recognise people butting in can make it worse. I just feel a little helpless and would like some options for him even subtly.

He’s on Meds off work and has counselling but none of it seems to help the poor lad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think being available is about all you can do. Seems he's taking the right steps but it's a long road.

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By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

"I think being available is about all you can do. Seems he's taking the right steps but it's a long road."

Cheers. Unfortunately I have my concerns it may be a short road which worries me.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

There's not a great deal you can do if he's resistant to help. My mum had episodes of depression all through her life (they don't seem so often now she's in her 80s). She was very resistant to help. I suggest you tell him you're available if and when he needs you and ask him to seek further help. If you're seriously concerned that he might be in immediate danger contact the emergency services

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

It's a tough one. He won't ask for help as he probably feels like a burden. Maybe just turn up with a take away, no pressure, just to spend time with him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As someone who suffers with depression, I have to say that the best thing you can do is to make sure he knows you are there, but other than that just keep your friendship the way it is. Don’t try and change the dynamic of the friendship as it will only instil guilt within him for making you worry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's a tough one. He won't ask for help as he probably feels like a burden. Maybe just turn up with a take away, no pressure, just to spend time with him."

Sorry if I was unclear, but this kind of thing, which sounds like where you are now. He's taking the right steps and what you can do is be a presence, without applying any pressure. A takeaway us great. Anything he might play that you can be a part of? Just generally engaging like that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All you can do is be there when he needs you.

It’s fucking shitty, feeling like if they’d just let you in then you could help them out of it.

Hope it improves for him.

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By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Cheers guys pizza it is. He won’t leave the house for a meal as he has anxiety.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Cheers guys pizza it is. He won’t leave the house for a meal as he has anxiety. "

Wish I had a friend like you

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By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Thanks for the advice on here or pm people.

You lovely lot.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As someone who suffers with depression, I have to say that the best thing you can do is to make sure he knows you are there, but other than that just keep your friendship the way it is. Don’t try and change the dynamic of the friendship as it will only instil guilt within him for making you worry.

This is a good way to go. Little pressure as possible .all the best to him

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By *riefcase_WankerMan
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

I kinda liken depression to running a marathon - it's a long, hard, gruelling and exhausting battle that mostly takes place in your head...and you are pretty much on your own.

Other people might be able to cheer you on from the sidelines, or pick you up when you fall, but the only person that can keep putting one foot after the other is you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've suffered my severe depression for over 15 years so I know first hand what it's like. All you can do is be there for someone and maybe suggest counselling or the doctors but you can't stop your own life and become their carer. I assure you it's noticed and appreciated when people offer advice or give them company but invariably it doesn't change a thing and for many of us. It's a life long battle that some win and some lose. People with depression tend to mask what they feel - a few years ago a friend of mine was the life and soul of a night out in the pub and when the night ended he said goodbye then jumped in front of a train. If you get concerned for their well being then go to the police who can get involved. The reason I come on here from time to time is to make new friends, chat etc which does help sometimes. Just be there when they need it.

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman
over a year ago

stourbridge area

You sound a lovley friend .....he is very lucky to have you.

Try and get him to try a new hobby ....

Baby steps.... and then build up

Just a few examples ....

You may have to do stuff with him first .....see what he enjoys

1. Go to the cinema

2. Go to the library

3. Go for a walk ....

4.Read an autobiography.

5. Go see a band

6.go swimming

7. Join a gym ( both of you)

8.go running/bike ride

Depression is so changable

Its called bipolar now , and you would be suprised how many celebrities suffer with it ... Robbbie williams

Stephen fry ...

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Endorse everything already said above.

Also, look after you too and be gentle with your own expectations of yourself, so that you are available/able and well enough to be able to do more for, and with him, when and if he does engage more in accepting support.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Long story short my friend is having the most horrendous time.

He has everything going for him and his personal circumstances are very good. (I know this doesn’t matter but it adds background)

However he is having a terrible time and I want to try and help him. He knows I’m there for him but he will not accept any help.

I don’t want to force anything on him per se and I recognise people butting in can make it worse. I just feel a little helpless and would like some options for him even subtly.

He’s on Meds off work and has counselling but none of it seems to help the poor lad.

Treat him as normal. Don't dwell on his situation but don't be afraid to give advice if you think it will do him good x

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By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Thank you everybody. He’s going to see if he can feel up to coming over to mine next weekend for a change of scenery.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If he sudenly appears happy, content and relaxed. That’s your alarm bell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If he sudenly appears happy, content and relaxed. That’s your alarm bell "

OP you're a good friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Endorse everything already said above.

Looking after yourself too is important. My friend's wife is depressed but now so is he. He's given a lot into supporting her.

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By *ndtheswingersMan
over a year ago

colchester

"If he sudenly appears happy, content and relaxed. That’s your alarm bell

OP you're a good friend.

True dat xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think being available is about all you can do. Seems he's taking the right steps but it's a long road."

this is spot on, ive suffered with depression myself and knowing some is there for you when you need them is anough, he will approach you when he’s ready.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't stop trying to involve / interact with him, even if he keeps declining.

The anxiety means he might not accept, but feeling that someone wants to include him can be helpful.

A lot of friends give up when they get declined a few times, but it's still nice to be asked. It's not that we don't want to accept, more that we can't, if you see what I mean? x

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By *riefcase_WankerMan
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

"Thank you everybody. He’s going to see if he can feel up to coming over to mine next weekend for a change of scenery. "

Something to bear in mind is that depression can really fuck with your ability to think things through rationally or reasonably.

Right now your friend is probably questioning your friendship, thinking it's all a lie, wondering what your agenda is...

Not because of you or anything you've done, but because his self-esteem is probably so low and his self-loathing so all-encompassing that he can't fathom why anyone would possibly like him, and therefore there must be some hidden agenda.

Chances are there will come times when he tries to push you away, perhaps because he doesn't feel like he deserves friends, or doesn't want to be a burden - you just gotta keep being there for him and not let that happen

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Endorse everything already said above.

Looking after yourself too is important. My friend's wife is depressed but now so is he. He's given a lot into supporting her. "

My dad used to go through hell when my mum was depressed and when we were kids so did we. The family of depressed people are often overlooked, told to be understanding and not take the actions of the depressed person personally. Thats dismissive and pretty tough on kids. Depression has cast a long shadow on our family.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Take him to the zoo dont take no for an answer animals always help bring smiles back

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By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

"Don't stop trying to involve / interact with him, even if he keeps declining.

The anxiety means he might not accept, but feeling that someone wants to include him can be helpful.

A lot of friends give up when they get declined a few times, but it's still nice to be asked. It's not that we don't want to accept, more that we can't, if you see what I mean? x"

I hate to feel like a pest as it takes a few texts to get a reply but I keep badgering away. I just don’t want it to be counter productive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don't stop trying to involve / interact with him, even if he keeps declining.

The anxiety means he might not accept, but feeling that someone wants to include him can be helpful.

A lot of friends give up when they get declined a few times, but it's still nice to be asked. It's not that we don't want to accept, more that we can't, if you see what I mean? x

I hate to feel like a pest as it takes a few texts to get a reply but I keep badgering away. I just don’t want it to be counter productive. "

It's not counter productive. It may be frustrating for him to have you repeatedly trying to get him to do things, but leaving him on his own will make him feel abandoned.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"I kinda liken depression to running a marathon - it's a long, hard, gruelling and exhausting battle that mostly takes place in your head...and you are pretty much on your own.

Other people might be able to cheer you on from the sidelines, or pick you up when you fall, but the only person that can keep putting one foot after the other is you"

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By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Good to see this thread bumped it reminded me to text him and he’s coming round tomorrow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To be honest op I could do with a friend like you. Still... it's nice to know such people exist

... and I do have the love of my little boy to see me through. I just have to grin and bear it until my situation improves.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

I have a friend with huge depression and bipolar.

I've learnt all I can do is let him know I'm there for him, always have a listening ear.

You can't fix someone or try to fix someone, it doesn't work that way.

Initially I'd try to offer solutions but someone who is in that dark place isn't in the right state of mind to go oh yes that might help, or that might work.

Just let them know you're there to listen to them and support them.

Also encourage them to see a doctor if they haven't already.

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

"I have a friend with huge depression and bipolar.

I've learnt all I can do is let him know I'm there for him, always have a listening ear.

You can't fix someone or try to fix someone, it doesn't work that way.

Initially I'd try to offer solutions but someone who is in that dark place isn't in the right state of mind to go oh yes that might help, or that might work.

Just let them know you're there to listen to them and support them.

Also encourage them to see a doctor if they haven't already."
xx

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By *he Mac LassWoman
over a year ago

Hefty Hideaway

It’s really difficult to try and help someone who pushes you away.

Above advice to be there and to try and not change the current dynamic is sound.

Be strong. Even when it gets really frustrating. There might come a point where he needs to lean heavily on you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To be honest op I could do with a friend like you. Still... it's nice to know such people exist

... and I do have the love of my little boy to see me through. I just have to grin and bear it until my situation improves. "

We've never met but you seem like a nice person. Sending virtual hugs. x

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By *tella HeelsTV/TS
over a year ago

west here ford shire

I have been battling with depression for 3 years now, then this year dignosed with spinal stenosis, then cancer.. but hey I’m ok looking forward to Christmas

Love Stella

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By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

"I have been battling with depression for 3 years now, then this year dignosed with spinal stenosis, then cancer.. but hey I’m ok looking forward to Christmas

Love Stella

Xx"

Your attitude towards all this is something to be admired.

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

Take him out for a coffee, bowling or a distraction.

Tell him you are there for him, I know you probably have already done that.

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By *untimes6969Man
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Sun light, fresh air and exercise always helps plus lots of fluids but not alcohol.

Lots of supportive advice on this thread, not easy to overcome depression, more like how you manage it day to day!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

May be you could ring the Samaritans and ask them how you can best help your friend.

Remember he will get better but unfortunately you cant put a timescale on when that will be xx

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By *nestWoman
over a year ago

Okehampton

As a long term sufferrer all you can do is make sure he knows you are there. It took me a long time to learn that it’s ok to be not ok and even longer to teach my partner that I just needed him to be there and just wait for me to be ready to reach out. Also encourage him to set one small goal per day even if it’s just to get out of bed.

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By *wisted999 OP Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Just an update had a brief chat today that nearly brought a tear to my eye and in a good way. Long way to go maybe a false dawn but I’m hopeful he’s going to have a good spell with Xmas coming up.

Thanks for all the advice people.

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By *raigsexy91Man
over a year ago

Durham

Ive been through it. Give him hope and your company. Maybe get him out the house and do something with other people to cheer him up. Watch a comedy or go to a standup show or even the cinema. Something to take his mind off it. Speak to him regularly to check if hes ok and if he doesnt want to speak just tell him your available whenever he needs you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Get them to get professional help! I tried to help a mate with anxiety and depression,I thought taking him abroad would do him good but it almost gave me a breakdown!

lesson learnt go professional!

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