FabSwingers.com forum: Grief

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Luckily I havnt had much in the way of grief in my life so far but I think I could cope with most things by virtue of I have many things to keep me occupied, keep busy stay focused on something but having said that no reason why you shouldn't grieve at the loss of someone close to you

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By *trawberry MojitoWoman
over a year ago

over the hill & far away, like Princess Fiona.

I didn't. I just put my head down and plough through all the jobs that went with it. Who knew there were so many.

18 months later I still haven't dealt with it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

For example, when I had my first miscarriage on our wedding day my husband bottled up how he felt for over a year. He watched as I grieved and tried to come to terms with things, all while remaining numb. It took my younger sister bringing up a baby name that we were considering randomly during a car journey for it to hit my husband. He went to therapy to try and deal with it as he wasn’t sure how to.

Whereas I am more upfront, I try my hardest to grieve straight away so I can try and move on as quickly as possible. It never works.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I didn't. I just put my head down and plough through all the jobs that went with it. Who knew there were so many.

18 months later I still haven't dealt with it. "

hugs xxx

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

I just get on with it. I'm a full time single Dad so don't have a chance to wallow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I ride it out and try to not cry in public.

People say talking about things helps you get over them, but talking about her, and writing about her even, makes me feel sad and I cry.

It hurts less the further away it gets.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just get on with it. I'm a full time single Dad so don't have a chance to wallow."

What about at night when you're in bed alone?

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"
I didn't deal with it at all tbh. From 2006 to 2012 both my parents and both my grandparents died and I struggled. Time is the only healer as far as I was concerned

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I ride it out and try to not cry in public.

People say talking about things helps you get over them, but talking about her, and writing about her even, makes me feel sad and I cry.

It hurts less the further away it gets."

Hugs

My husband is a bit like you. Doesn’t talk about certain topics as that’s easier for him. Whereas I’m a big talker, I will obsess over things and I NEED to discuss them, in order to grieve

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By *iss SJWoman
over a year ago

Hull

Usually by bottling it up especially around other people and then having the occasional moments of raw misery whilst I’m on my own. I don’t wallow though I suck it up and plough on. I don’t like to bother anyone with my issues.

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

I cried a lot, I gathered my feelings up and compartmentalised them in a box in my brain, put a lid on it and left it to one side, I wouldn’t be able to function the way I was feeling at the time and it’s true what they say life does have to go on. Some days I miss him so much I lift the lid on he box and look at pics of us both together and just remember how good it was

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief? I didn't deal with it at all tbh. From 2006 to 2012 both my parents and both my grandparents died and I struggled. Time is the only healer as far as I was concerned

Oh I’m sorry

big hugs x

I agree that time is a big healer

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief? I didn't deal with it at all tbh. From 2006 to 2012 both my parents and both my grandparents died and I struggled. Time is the only healer as far as I was concerned

Oh I’m sorry

big hugs x

I agree that time is a big healer"
Thanks Queenie. I did forget to add that my Prince has helped me more than I can say as well . He's my baby xx

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

"I just get on with it. I'm a full time single Dad so don't have a chance to wallow.

What about at night when you're in bed alone?"

I tend to only go to bed when I'm struggling to stay awake on the sofa as there is nothing worse than tossing and turning through worry. I don't always succeed though.

I often get worries over 'the family' due to health. As if bad news is around the corner. I'm always right, I can never pin point who but within weeks a doctor does. You could just say that's just pessimistic and every family gets ill.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I've been looking for the answer for over 16 years now. Forever missed and always on my mind. See you when I get there short arse xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief? I didn't deal with it at all tbh. From 2006 to 2012 both my parents and both my grandparents died and I struggled. Time is the only healer as far as I was concerned

Oh I’m sorry

big hugs x

I agree that time is a big healer

Thanks Queenie. I did forget to add that my Prince has helped me more than I can say as well . He's my baby xx"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Usually by bottling it up especially around other people and then having the occasional moments of raw misery whilst I’m on my own. I don’t wallow though I suck it up and plough on. I don’t like to bother anyone with my issues. "

Big hugs xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I cried a lot, I gathered my feelings up and compartmentalised them in a box in my brain, put a lid on it and left it to one side, I wouldn’t be able to function the way I was feeling at the time and it’s true what they say life does have to go on. Some days I miss him so much I lift the lid on he box and look at pics of us both together and just remember how good it was

Hugs

I’m a bit like that too xxx

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I so feel that

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've been looking for the answer for over 16 years now. Forever missed and always on my mind. See you when I get there short arse xxx"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"

Get back to normality as quickly as possible x

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief? I didn't deal with it at all tbh. From 2006 to 2012 both my parents and both my grandparents died and I struggled. Time is the only healer as far as I was concerned

Oh I’m sorry

big hugs x

I agree that time is a big healer

Thanks Queenie. I did forget to add that my Prince has helped me more than I can say as well . He's my baby xx

Oh I can relate there, I only had Benji and Draco at the time but they were amazing. Whenever I got upset Benji would bring me every single dog toy, and either just sit amongst the pile of toys wagging his tails, or jump up and lick my tears. It’s gotten to the point where if you say ‘where’s mummy’s cuddles?’ He runs to get his bear and jumps up at me xx"
They know . He has honestly gave me a reason to get up in the mornings . Christmas is still shit though with no family around ( I do have my sister though ) x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"For example, when I had my first miscarriage on our wedding day my husband bottled up how he felt for over a year. He watched as I grieved and tried to come to terms with things, all while remaining numb. It took my younger sister bringing up a baby name that we were considering randomly during a car journey for it to hit my husband. He went to therapy to try and deal with it as he wasn’t sure how to.

Whereas I am more upfront, I try my hardest to grieve straight away so I can try and move on as quickly as possible. It never works. "

I'm so so sorry you had to go through that on your wedding day. I can completely understand why your husband wanted to tuck it away at such a special moment rather than let it out.

The only way I know how to deal with grief is to give myself to it and let it deal with me. Eventually it blows through me and there's nothing left to blow anymore. Exhausted and empty, I let go. But that doesn't mean it's dealt with. It just means I can move on

Big hearts to you both

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

When my son died I had two little girls who needed me so I focused on them as my husband withdrew into a bottle. I held it together for as long as I could then left him.

Still didn't grieve until all my girls married and left home. I was able to focus on me and truly grieve my son. The pain doesn't go away, you busy yourself to not focus on the pain.

With hindsight I should have saught help and take time to grieve. Perhaps I wouldn't feel so sad and empty still, even with all the blessings that have come my way since...five grandsons and counting...Still doesn't negate my loss.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The first time I lost someone 10 years ago, my mum, I didnt deal with it well, I tried to be the strong one, looking after the rest of the family, putting on a brave face. It nearly broke me. I eventually went for counselling, which for me worked and allowed me to see that grieving is a very necesary part of moving forward. I've subsequently lost my dad, and earlier this year my cousin who was like my little sister, neither any less painful than my mum, but I now allow myself time to grieve and talk to people close to me when I need to sp I think I've coped with my grief a bit better. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, you can only do whats right for you x

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Grief isn't about wallowing. It's about processing things in your head and trying to come to terms with it.

I'm going through precisely that now, and what I'm learning is it isn't a linear journey, you don't start at point a and end up at point b.

I can get blindsided by little unexpected things. I still forget that person isn't there any more and think oh I must tell her this, or ring her about that.

Death also makes you think about your own mortality. When you've sat and watched someone die it makes you realise all of our days are numbered, and that is a sobering thought, and maybe an uncomfortable one when time feels like it's whizzing by.

Different people deal with their grief in different ways. There's no right or wrong way, but I don't think bottling it up helps.

The CRUSE website has some interesting information.

Big hug of support to anyone going through the same x

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By *eenasmustardMan
over a year ago

Castleford

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"

I lost my brother to cancer 5 years ago on Xmas eve.

I spend every year dreading Xmas as it's torture for my parents. And it all got me about a year after. I didn't cope well, my long term relationship broke down. So found myself single (which I maybe needed to be for a while) and I've struggled to get myself back since. I've tried counselling etc etc. It works for some, not all.

But it does shape who you are.

Me ...I just wanted to get some confidence back so thought if try things like this.

Sadly you end up feeling worse as you realise it's just a popularity contest. And you end up feeling even more of a freak.

Everyone is different, deal with the problem, surround yourself with good living people. And cherish your family. Only when you experience real horror do you appreciate how precious life is.

And pray you don't end up alone.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"When my son died I had two little girls who needed me so I focused on them as my husband withdrew into a bottle. I held it together for as long as I could then left him.

Still didn't grieve until all my girls married and left home. I was able to focus on me and truly grieve my son. The pain doesn't go away, you busy yourself to not focus on the pain.

If I lost 1 of my kids God I can't even think about that. Your a stronger person than I. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Therapy. That way you can give full reign to your feelings without feeling that you are over-burdening family and friends (although it is good to have their support too, of course)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some people think we should forget and move on, like there's something wrong with feeling sad and crying over someone you lost years ago.

What's so wrong about crying and missing people you love, if it's not affecting your life.

I lost my dad 21 years ago, my sister 16 years ago and I still cry occasionally for them.

My mum dying recently brought back the grief I felt for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Therapy. That way you can give full reign to your feelings without feeling that you are over-burdening family and friends (although it is good to have their support too, of course) "

I would never feel burdened by a family member or friend if they needed my support.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"

You don't deal with it, it's more of learning to cope with it and that takes a long time xx

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

"Some people think we should forget and move on, like there's something wrong with feeling sad and crying over someone you lost years ago.

What's so wrong about crying and missing people you love, if it's not affecting your life.

I lost my dad 21 years ago, my sister 16 years ago and I still cry occasionally for them.

My mum dying recently brought back the grief I felt for them."

My Mum died 13 years ago. I was lucky enough to be there.

I describe it as I still have the scars but they are now wounds.

Was the hardest funeral I went to but since then I have been to babies and children's funerals.

I wouldn't be able or want to carry on in that situation. Selfish in regards to my sister's, Dad and friends but they would understand.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

The worst thing for me is when totally out the blue and you spot somebody with the same look about them say from behind. You spot them and suddenly think for just a split second is that our bla bla over there then it hits you no of course it's not you fucking dick.....

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By *iss SJWoman
over a year ago

Hull

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?

You don't deal with it, it's more of learning to cope with it and that takes a long time xx"

Agree totally

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1st big grieving period I drank my way through it, as I had no-one to rely on my and that what helped me at the time

2nd time seeing my mum, sister and gf at the time crumble made me suck it up and was there for everyone else around me, even though I just wanted to give up. Then used close friends to lean on when I needed it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Phew

Some heartbreaking stories on this thread. I don't really know how to process it. I'm just going to send out big hearts and I hope you find sustenance in sharing with each other

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

"The worst thing for me is when totally out the blue and you spot somebody with the same look about them say from behind. You spot them and suddenly think for just a split second is that our bla bla over there then it hits you no of course it's not you fucking dick....."

Or find a video of them and hear their voice on it. Or see something with their hand writing on.

Obviously you don't get that from the pictures you have.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

So many sad stories.

I really truly am sorry for all your losses. If only there was a magic wand that took all the hurt away.

Big hugs to everyone

xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Or find a video of them and hear their voice on it. Or see something with their hand writing on.

Obviously you don't get that from the pictures you have."

Ive seen beautiful tattoos where it’s someones handwriting from a card, for example ‘love from granny xx’

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Or find a video of them and hear their voice on it. Or see something with their hand writing on.

Obviously you don't get that from the pictures you have."

Totally agree. It was my sister for me she was the closest I had to a real mum. I used to have a picture of her sat on my telly as a baby because my daughter was the double of her as a toddler. In the end I had to put it away I couldn't look at it anymore....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t know as I did deal with it, I lost both my grandparents and my baby all within a year and I had to get on with it. I had 3 small children that still needed me to be mom so I carried on and put it to the back of my mind. Now all these years later I feel as though time had made it better. I can remember the good things now and not feel so sad. And I lost my dad 2 years ago and haven’t cried for him yet. X

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By *irthy73Man
over a year ago

stourport

Whereas I am more upfront, I try my hardest to grieve straight away so I can try and move on as quickly as possible. It never works. "
.

I’ve suffered the loss through miscarriage a couple of times.

The first time I was 22 and didn’t know how to deal with it. She was older and just buried it, her way of dealing.

The last time a lot older and was able to process it better and talked and worked through it.

Those losses were so much different to the loss of my father. And in a way harder as it was the potential life that was lost.

Everyone deals with grief differently, what works for one may not work for another.

That’s what makes it so hard to help

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

Or find a video of them and hear their voice on it. Or see something with their hand writing on.

Obviously you don't get that from the pictures you have.

I see my big Sister 3 or 4 times a year. As soon as we open the door to each other I have to grab my breath. She looks, dresses, talks, personality and so on - just like my Mum.

I'm grateful for that but can totally understand the reverse of that, similar to what you described.

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By *eenasmustardMan
over a year ago

Castleford

"When my son died I had two little girls who needed me so I focused on them as my husband withdrew into a bottle. I held it together for as long as I could then left him.

Still didn't grieve until all my girls married and left home. I was able to focus on me and truly grieve my son. The pain doesn't go away, you busy yourself to not focus on the pain.

If I lost 1 of my kids God I can't even think about that. Your a stronger person than I. X"

Not at all my mate. I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore. I just found a way of pretending to everyone else I was ok.

In reality I'm broken and just struggling to get me back. I don't think I ever will.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Previously it would all get pushed to the side, burried and kept there. I haven't the capacity for that anymore so it kinda gets to a point where it bubbles up and before it blows over I have to take myself off somewhere quiet until I can get it out of my system or put a lid on it again.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

I am the same with anything that upsets me generally.....

Bottle it up and then lose it spectacularly and rant like a total loony, cry like crazy when alone and then slap a smile on and just be Hanky again in public.

Is not right and it's not healthy, but I'm the one others often turn to so I can't show my weaknesses. When I do (and it has happened) it just freaks people out.

I am better when others come to me with their stuff. Takes my mind off mine.....

My wifey gets to see every shade of me, but she is often the only one. Love that woman

Dread the day something happens to one of my immediate family - I will fall apart and I know it

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Or find a video of them and hear their voice on it. Or see something with their hand writing on.

Obviously you don't get that from the pictures you have.

I see my big Sister 3 or 4 times a year. As soon as we open the door to each other I have to grab my breath. She looks, dresses, talks, personality and so on - just like my Mum.

I'm grateful for that but can totally understand the reverse of that, similar to what you described."

She was killed less than 2 week after my daughter was born. Totally by chance I was passing her house with my new pride and joy. Thank God I took the time to stop and show her off. That was the only time she held my baby. It took me a long time to explain why I cryed on every anaversery as soon as I seen my daughter. She's still the spit of her with the same mannerisms sence of humour and by fuck the same huge huge heart. She never ever knew her except for those few brief minutes as I passed. After all we had all the time in the world for the silly family stuff. Boy was that wrong....

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By *ryst In IsoldeWoman
over a year ago

your imagination

I write. Most things I get through or purge through writing. Whether it's loss, disappointment, or simple melancholia, expressing how I feel, even in the written word is cathartic for me. I write both poetry and prose. Some of it I share with people, some of it I keep to myself, but either way I feel a sense of calm and of being better able to wade through to the other side for having put how I feel into words.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have been to 5 funerals this year.

3 killed in racing.

One of them I was mentoring for a while so knew him from a young age but as with any dangerous sport you are constantly pushing past limits and sadly a tiny mistake cost him.

I was absolutely shattered by his death. I had that moments pause where everything stopped and my mind was empty.

I sat down and just started shaking. Had to tell myself we all know the risks and we all love what we do.

the fact is when your standing talking to someone at the TT it could be for the last time.

But you get back on and go again.

Life goes on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I box it up and put it to the back of my mind. It's going to get me one day I'm sure.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"I am the same with anything that upsets me generally.....

Bottle it up and then lose it spectacularly and rant like a total loony, cry like crazy when alone and then slap a smile on and just be Hanky again in public.

Is not right and it's not healthy, but I'm the one others often turn to so I can't show my weaknesses. When I do (and it has happened) it just freaks people out.

I am better when others come to me with their stuff. Takes my mind off mine.....

My wifey gets to see every shade of me, but she is often the only one. Love that woman

Dread the day something happens to one of my immediate family - I will fall apart and I know it

I'll hold you up as you have me. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I write. Most things I get through or purge through writing. Whether it's loss, disappointment, or simple melancholia, expressing how I feel, even in the written word is cathartic for me. I write both poetry and prose. Some of it I share with people, some of it I keep to myself, but either way I feel a sense of calm and of being better able to wade through to the other side for having put how I feel into words. "

I play my piano. It's seen me through the very best and worst of times. It's one of my dearest friends. That's also why most of my songs tend to be sad

I convert my melancholy into adagios

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Love to everyone

xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have no words.

Thank you to everyone brave enough to post on this thread.

I hope you find your peace and that one day I may find mine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tend to close down, I don’t eat, drink or function very well. I just curl up and feel sorry for myself for a few days but then I talk myself out of it and get on with life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my mum over 4 yrs ago and there isn't a day that goes by when i don't think about her in some way.. i miss her terribly as we were very close but all my memories are happy ones, even if it sometimes makes me sad

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By *olfAndKittenCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

I was brought up in a home with a narcissistic mother and appearances were everything. Showing emotions that were perceived as negative was frowned upon as everything had to look absolutely perfect. The tiniest issue was met with rejection and emotional abuse. Because of this, I learned to bottle my emotions and feelings. It's an incredibly negative and unhealthy way to deal with things. I still tend to deal with grief, stress, anxiety, and anything negative by bottling it up to this day, but it is something that my therapist and Master are helping me to work through.

~ Kitten =^.^=

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Eventually you have to make time for it and let it take the spotlight. I've often tried to put my head down and plough through it, but it's only ever festering under the surface and it's going nowhere until it's confronted.

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

"I was brought up in a home with a narcissistic mother and appearances were everything. Showing emotions that were perceived as negative was frowned upon as everything had to look absolutely perfect. The tiniest issue was met with rejection and emotional abuse. Because of this, I learned to bottle my emotions and feelings. It's an incredibly negative and unhealthy way to deal with things. I still tend to deal with grief, stress, anxiety, and anything negative by bottling it up to this day, but it is something that my therapist and Master are helping me to work through.

~ Kitten =^.^=

I can sort of sympathise there. My family are all incredibly stoic to the point that I think I'm considered the emotional one. But I too bottle it all up. One day I expect everything to come out in one gloriously embarrassing episode, but until then I'll just keep on burying lol.

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By *rsSBWoman
over a year ago

toy town

I work through the 5 stages

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I lost my mum over 4 yrs ago and there isn't a day that goes by when i don't think about her in some way.. i miss her terribly as we were very close but all my memories are happy ones, even if it sometimes makes me sad "

I lost my mum at around the same time. She was the heart of my family and its never been the same since. We were very close. I was with her when she passed away and helped carry her coffin with the help of the undertakers. I didn't know if I could do that but I'm glad I did. It felt like the most noble way to send her off

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By *hatYorkLadMan
over a year ago

York

Badly, my dad died 2 years ago and I don't think I've really grieved properly at all. The process started when he was diagnosed 9 months before he died, and obviously when he went there was shock, tears and sadness, but since then I've just kept things bottled up with occasional meltdowns and bouts of depression or sadness along the way. It hasn't helped that my mum who clearly can't bear being alone jumped into a relationship with someone else mere months after my dad died and moved him into the family home which has really caused a breakdown in our relationship and I don't feel like I can go there anymore, even though it's where my dad grew up and all my memories of him are as well as all his physical possessions that we haven't even sorted out yet.

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By *olfAndKittenCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"I can sort of sympathise there. My family are all incredibly stoic to the point that I think I'm considered the emotional one. But I too bottle it all up. One day I expect everything to come out in one gloriously embarrassing episode, but until then I'll just keep on burying lol."

Oh, I am very familiar with the explosion that happens after bottling a ton of small things up for months. It is indeed gloriously embarrassing and afterwards I am terrified that I have pushed everyone away. I'm lucky to have amazing friends and an amazing Master who stay by my side and are helping me to work through the issues.

~ Kitten =^.^=

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

~ Kitten =^.^="

Good for you Kitten, at least you are getting the help you need. Unfortunately I only ever seem to get more shit for me to bury with no real friends and a partner that is too wrapped up in her own issues to take mine seriously.

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By *olfAndKittenCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"Good for you Kitten, at least you are getting the help you need. Unfortunately I only ever seem to get more shit for me to bury with no real friends and a partner that is too wrapped up in her own issues to take mine seriously."

If you ever need to talk or bounce feelings off of someone, you're always welcome to message me as long as Master is alright with it! I know what it's like to feel alone with nobody to talk to and it's an awful feeling :/

~ Kitten =^.^=

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

~ Kitten =^.^="

Thanks Kitten. Mind if I add you as a friend? Otherwise I'll forget and never find you again.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

"I am the same with anything that upsets me generally.....

Bottle it up and then lose it spectacularly and rant like a total loony, cry like crazy when alone and then slap a smile on and just be Hanky again in public.

Is not right and it's not healthy, but I'm the one others often turn to so I can't show my weaknesses. When I do (and it has happened) it just freaks people out.

I am better when others come to me with their stuff. Takes my mind off mine.....

My wifey gets to see every shade of me, but she is often the only one. Love that woman

Dread the day something happens to one of my immediate family - I will fall apart and I know it

I'll hold you up as you have me. Xx"

Likewise buggerlugs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just get on with it. I'm a full time single Dad so don't have a chance to wallow."
same here I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Being a single parent is hard enough.

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By *eenasmustardMan
over a year ago

Castleford

I'd love to say all this helps.

But all it's done is being it all flooding back.

Very sad times

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By *olfAndKittenCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

[Removed by poster at 10/10/18 12:46:57]

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By *olfAndKittenCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"Thanks Kitten. Mind if I add you as a friend? Otherwise I'll forget and never find you again."

(Previous message deleted due to a typo and I am far too much of a perfectionist to let that go .)

If you wouldn't mind too much, could you send a private message asking Master if it is alright first? I can't say yes as it isn't my place.

~ Kitten =^.^=

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh boy that’s a lot of very sad stories and I feel for you all. My experiences have all been a bit secondhand as there was only my mum and me when I was growing up and I wasn’t very good at all that emotional stuff partly because she has a difficult personality and partly as self protection. It was only when my cousin was killed in a freakishly stupid motorcycle crash that I began to understand how people deal with death. My uncle was devastated by it but as a TT Marshall he has seen more than his fair share of it and he was stoic while his partner (not my cousins mum) was very emotional about it. I have talked about it with him over the years and he realises now that he spent too much time supporting friends and family and not enough on himself. He has had some therapy in the last few years and he had mixed feelings about it but I think he’s come to terms as best he can. My therapist told me that you shouldn’t expect less than two years of grief after losing a relative and much longer if it’s a parent or child. My feelings are that you should embrace the grief and allow yourself to express it whether that’s in private or public but try to own it as in the long term it won’t go away if you ignore it. Peace and love and understanding to you all.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I can't read anymore on this it's hurting now. Much love and respect to all. In the word of Dora just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming xxx

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"I've been looking for the answer for over 16 years now. Forever missed and always on my mind. See you when I get there short arse xxx"

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

"Thanks Kitten. Mind if I add you as a friend? Otherwise I'll forget and never find you again.

(Previous message deleted due to a typo and I am far too much of a perfectionist to let that go .)

If you wouldn't mind too much, could you send a private message asking Master if it is alright first? I can't say yes as it isn't my place.

~ Kitten =^.^="

Will comply

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Yes, sometimes patterns can exist that you are not even aware of. Emotional suppression is so detrimental and I thank God that I am naturally someone who expresses everything they feel, so I try to express whatever is triggered at the time it is triggered, even if I have to withdraw to do that.

Grief can suddenly hit you at any time, and hopefully when you are surrounded by people who will give you the freedom to express it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I bottled it up, tried to compartmentalise and leave it for another time when I felt more able to cope with it.

It didn’t work, I exploded, got angry, threw things, scared those closest to me and upset the one person who had supported me throughout.

At that point, I got help, I sought counselling and it put it into perspective. I don’t think I’ve fully dealt with it now, but I’m on the road and there appears to be a positive destination.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Looking back, I cried, got angry, spent a lot of time with my siblings, talked to my friends, saw a counsellor. I also think I used sex as a way to forget for a while.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I withdraw and cry a lot... but then publicly will show very little to no emotion.

The shutters come down and no one gets in

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’ve had such lovely messages due to this thread and honestly, reading all these made me so sad, I’m so sorry everyone. Everyone has had such awful experiences and it’s sometimes a shock to the system because I know that I sometimes I feel like I’m the only one going through shit.

If anyone wants to chat my inbox always open

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I need to talk it through, having people around me helps me hugely x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven't actually lost anyone close to me but I know what grief is like as I felt it when I had my heart broken two years ago by my former best friend/girlfriend.

We had known each other since secondary school and had been there for each other when either of us had troubles but after an 8 month relationship, she decides to dump me by text a few days before Christmas. This broke my heart and made me feel depressed.

I grieved because it was like losing the best friend I ever had in death. Even though she isn't dead, it still felt like she was gone.

Months later, after making new friends here on fab and at Cupids, I told them about what happened and they've been very supportive and their support helped me move on and be happy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't deal with grief in any particular way. I've had a lot of close losses recently and it's been so hard. The majority of my family are deceased and some days I deal with grief feeling low and think why Me? Why so many of them? Then I feel anger of why did they have to die when this person is alive. But ultimately I try to live my life to the full and think of my family members fondly, celebrating the good times in their lives, the times I shared with them.

It was the one year anniversary of my mum recently and we had a day of celebration. We had a balloon release, went for a meal, consumed wine and played party games

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Couple years ago I lost my 15yo niece. She took her own life after months of abuse because she came out. I didn't deal with it cos I had to be there for her mum, sisters, brother, aunt and cousins. Still haven't dealt with it really. But any time I hear anyone go on a homophobic rant I get a little more than pissed off and I open the box a little, let the grief out.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Fuckinel why did I come back on here so so sad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"

My dad died 20 years ago never grieved, lost my brother February this year not really grieved

Lost three close family members in six months this year

It’s because I’m busy being strong for my mum

It’s like I’ve got a little box in my brain where I seem to lock all my grieving emotions up and just get on with life and supporting loved ones

But I know that the day I lose my mum that will be the day that box bursts open and a flood of grief for every loved one I have lost will flow

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By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

"Grief isn't about wallowing. It's about processing things in your head and trying to come to terms with it.

I'm going through precisely that now, and what I'm learning is it isn't a linear journey, you don't start at point a and end up at point b.

I can get blindsided by little unexpected things. I still forget that person isn't there any more and think oh I must tell her this, or ring her about that.

Different people deal with their grief in different ways. There's no right or wrong way, but I don't think bottling it up helps.

The CRUSE website has some interesting information.

Big hug of support to anyone going through the same x

This thread is so sad, with so many words of wisdom. I was particularly moved by what Minnie wrote (above).

I lost someone very dear to me earlier in quite sudden and shocking circumstances this year and am still grieving. Due to my family dynamics this has stirred up a raft of fears and emotions beyond 'simply' missing them and to be honest I'm not sure I'm coping very well ... but you just have to kind of 'trudge' through each day because there's no other alternative. I'm very much in the disbelief stage which is awful because you have many moments where, for a second, you still think of that person as alive in the present only to get that gut wrenching reality check the very next moment. And anger at how unfair life is

I'm sorry so many others are going through or have been through it too. I do think it can only be beneficial the more grief is confronted and spoken about though. It can feel incredibly lonely trying to make sense of it on your own.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My heart goes out to each and every single person who has lost a loved one

For me personally I don’t think time is a healer nor do I think it gets easier as time goes by

I just think for me personally you accept life without the loved one you’ve lost

My inbox is open for anyone that wants to chat

I might not be a lot of help but I’m a good listener

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This for me too, although I’m going through a stage where I can’t think about the happy memories as it makes me cry, like now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm great at compartmentalising unresolved trauma.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just have to learn & accept it's all part of life.

It's my birthday tomorrow & also the anniversary of my mother's death. I thought I'd never come to terms with it but as time goes on it gets easier. You never ever forget the day they died but you realise it's part of life

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"

One hour at a time, until you can manage one day at a time.

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By *apstarMan
over a year ago

Harpenden

I lost my dad 2 months ago then my aunty. I'm destroyed and have no idea what 2 do. I would have normaly turned 2 drink or drugs in this situation but being 2 years drink and drug free this isn't a choice

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I lost my dad 2 months ago then my aunty. I'm destroyed and have no idea what 2 do. I would have normaly turned 2 drink or drugs in this situation but being 2 years drink and drug free this isn't a choice "

I’m proud of you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That leaves you 2 options, talking which has to be done slowly because it hurts. And distraction, doesn't matter what but keep those dark thoughts at bay by not giving them space. Please do both, and see my previous post, 1 hour at a time then 1 day.

20 years on I am still fragile at times but now it's a few seconds every few weeks not a few weeks every few seconds.

Be strong, talk at YOUR pace, and keep busy.

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By *apstarMan
over a year ago

Harpenden

I’m proud of you x"

Sorry 2 hear about what happend on your wedding day. Do we ever get over somthing like that . Me and my now ex that was all we ever wanted are on lil family the first lost broke me the 6th complety destroyed me and that was the last time I took drink and drugs . 2 years later and we still havnt talked about . X

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By *apstarMan
over a year ago

Harpenden

20 years on I am still fragile at times but now it's a few seconds every few weeks not a few weeks every few seconds.

Be strong, talk at YOUR pace, and keep busy.

Thank you for your kind words x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’m proud of you x

Oh I’m sorry

that’s truly awful.

It’s something I talk about so often that I don’t get upset by it much anymore. I’m so open about everything that I can talk about it casually, and very rarely get upset. It still hurts, but the more I talk, the easier I find it xx

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By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago

Masked and Distant

Like most men. I tend to bottle things up, I know I shouldn't, then have a good blart in private.

Lost my mum in law just as we were getting together, my Mrs is still grieving 25 yrs later.

Lost my dad after I had to give permission for a brain operation to try and save him as my mum couldn't understand, he died a couple of days later, still blame myself.

We lost a baby at 20 weeks, don't think I really grieved, until I listened to a piece on miscarriage midwives on radio 2 Tuesday, had to pull my car over and have a good blub.

Lost my father in law right between my daughters 18th and my 50th, did have chance to grieve.

Don't think there's a right or wrong way, just a personal way.

Sending big comforting hugs xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"

With guys, typically we distract ourselves, keep busy and stay focused

Women tend to talk and share more

I think both these practices combined are healthy. Worst thing to to is bottle it up, itll destroy you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t deal with grief very well. I’ve an addictive personality and always distanced from the grief or problem at hand with distraction methods, not very good ones. Drinking, exercise, eating, under eating , self harm, the list goes on.

Through CBT I’ve learnt triggers though and can control and understand now (to an extent ) how to manage these thoughts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like many on here, close the shutters and dwell in my own head.

It works for me.

Putting the smile on the outside is easier each passing day.

Two massive losses for me which I feel very differently about, my first boy was stillborn st term +9. We didn’t know until I went in in labour. That was almost 9 years ago now & we never got a reason why.

More recently was my father, given a year to live but died 11 weeks later.

I still catch myself that he’s here, safe & well.

I’ll see something that I can get him for his birthday or a particular sweet I know he’d love as a surprise. That was 5 years ago.

Both dealt with differently, no-one really understands as it’s my life, my head, my thoughts & grief.

It’s hard & time heals for one but not the other xx

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By *apstarMan
over a year ago

Harpenden

I’m proud of you x

Oh I’m sorry

that’s truly awful.

I can't talk about it or losing my dad . Now I have talked about it and written it down I feel heartbroken and sad . Cos it makes it more real if that makes sense x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not really grieved properly yet. Busy with work and trying to look after my mum.

It hits me sometimes and then I just get busy again with the family.

There isn't a day which goes by that I don't think about my dad

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By *lsieWoman
over a year ago

where ever

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The worse times are when you're sitting on a crowded bus and it hits you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The worse times are when you're sitting on a crowded bus and it hits you."

I hate that. I’ll be on my way to work and a certain some will come on shuffle and it just hits you. Or I hear someone say the name of a loved one who’s passed.

My father in law is a bus driver and sometimes just seeing him makes me cry. So I’ll be sat on the bus bubbling away, trying to keep it together

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By *heblackmacMan
over a year ago

Ladywell, Lewisham.

How do I deal with grief....

Have a wank.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

"The worse times are when you're sitting on a crowded bus and it hits you."

Yep x

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By *apstarMan
over a year ago

Harpenden

Sorry 2 here about everyone's losing . Sending u all massive jugs

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By *apstarMan
over a year ago

Harpenden

Hugs not jugs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In 1982 i started working at Miss Selfridge as a sales assistant.. we were a great bunch of people who worked there including our gay window dresser, who we all had such a laugh with, in and out of work...

Fast forward 2 yrs and Chris is in a hospice, dying of AIDS..he banned us all from going to visit him but his lovely mum used to come into the shop to give weekly updates and pass on love and good wishes..

The funeral was a revelation.. no one wore black and it was a total celebration of life..and death.. it makes you look at things differently ..as i said earlier it is always better to think about the good times...even though they may ultimately make you feel sad

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

"Hugs not jugs "

I've already got the jugs, I'll take the hugs tho. And back at you all

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I really do hope that nobody takes this wrong as nobody really can tell you what's right or wrong in this but what really screams out to me on this thread is the amount of blokes who believe it's the right thing to do to hammer your feeling deep deep down and don't ever let them out. From personal experience I can tell you 1 way or another at some point in your life that box you think you've got everything bad locked up in nice and tight is going to open and probably at the worst possible time. In my view and again from experience you have 2 choices. 1 you bring it in a controlled way and hopefully with every type of support possible because you'll fucking need it or 2. You keep going as you are and that box explode because it can fit no more sadly that's probably the road you your strolling down right now and at the end of that road is a padded cell and a straight jacket. Those are the choices lads make your choice well your life could well depends on it....

To add another point we are all big hard fifty toughdy blokes so why are we all so scared of our feeling. I mean come on we can all jump up and kick the shit out of each other so why not face a few real demands the real big boys the 1s within and maybe shed a tear or 2 just like I have today posting on this and reading others story's. Look me in the eye boys so to speak and tell me I'm the only 1 that soft. I'm proud I've cryed and I've cryed because I'm human are you ???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are not wrong Bladey, but I can't cry in front of the kids cos they don't need to support me, and I can't cry in public cos that would be weird.

So I need that strong box to keep that facade in place until I am alone.

You are also right about needing to open up, but I have found I need a control valve to let the pressure out slow and controlled, if I open the lid too quick it breaks me.

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"You are not wrong Bladey, but I can't cry in front of the kids cos they don't need to support me, and I can't cry in public cos that would be weird.

So I need that strong box to keep that facade in place until I am alone.

You are also right about needing to open up, but I have found I need a control valve to let the pressure out slow and controlled, if I open the lid too quick it breaks me."

Good God I'm so so with ya. Hence the support it what ever form you feels right. As for your kids obviously depends on age but they are tougher and wiser than we think. Mine give me my strength. I don't mean I spout details to them I mean if I've had a bad day I walk in see my daughter and probably say oi mush giz a hug kid I've had a shitter of a day and she will and she does the same to me when she has. No details needed unless we choose. Remember they are mini you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You are not wrong Bladey, but I can't cry in front of the kids cos they don't need to support me, and I can't cry in public cos that would be weird.

So I need that strong box to keep that facade in place until I am alone.

You are also right about needing to open up, but I have found I need a control valve to let the pressure out slow and controlled, if I open the lid too quick it breaks me."

Similar. Cos I'm the crutch for everyone around me the last thing I want is for my kids to see anything, then go tell their mum and my mum. Mostly cos I.cant be arsed with the lengthy phone calls asking if I'm ok etc. And I certainly don't let my 15yo see cos he would just worry.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I really do hope that nobody takes this wrong as nobody really can tell you what's right or wrong in this but what really screams out to me on this thread is the amount of blokes who believe it's the right thing to do to hammer your feeling deep deep down and don't ever let them out. From personal experience I can tell you 1 way or another at some point in your life that box you think you've got everything bad locked up in nice and tight is going to open and probably at the worst possible time. In my view and again from experience you have 2 choices. 1 you bring it in a controlled way and hopefully with every type of support possible because you'll fucking need it or 2. You keep going as you are and that box explode because it can fit no more sadly that's probably the road you your strolling down right now and at the end of that road is a padded cell and a straight jacket. Those are the choices lads make your choice well your life could well depends on it....

I agree. There is such a stigma around men’s mental health and less and less men are happy to open up.

As I said earlier, whenever I had a miscarriage my husband bottled it up. Part of this was because he didn’t know how to cope, but the most part was because I was grieving so much he was being there for me, and not taking time for himself. I was pretty selfish. He’s been to therapy (I’ve been in therapy for years) and he now discusses his feelings openly. He also grew up with an extremely emotionless father, and it has certainly taken its tole. It has taken years for him to open up about things. Even little things that may be annoying him, he just never showed emotion. But he’s getting better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bladey is spot on..

Men are terrible at showing their feelings or crying and admitting they are hurting or missing someone too..

I love a good cry..I've had one tonight it makes me feel a lot better ..

And a lot less sad

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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

From my perspective, when my Mother died in 1980, I didn't feel grief at all.

I was 'accepting' of her passing away. My brother was in pieces though.

My father died 14 yrs ago. I held everything together as I jointly organised his funeral with my brother, who this time, was more composed throughout. But he had a 3yr old son then so maybe he'd to maintain some degree of control so as not to upset his son.

But he couldn't take in how stoic I was!

That was until a track came up on the Radio, from an album released the day Dad died, by ENYA.

I hear it these days especially on the anniversaries of both Mum and Dad's passing and I'm a crying gibbering wreck... but a relieved one! (if that makes sense?).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sorry 2 here about everyone's losing . Sending u all massive jugs "
I've got massive jugs lol. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"

Fuck knows. I claw my way thru as best I can and if that doesn't work well I dunno...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You are not wrong Bladey, but I can't cry in front of the kids cos they don't need to support me, and I can't cry in public cos that would be weird.

So I need that strong box to keep that facade in place until I am alone.

You are also right about needing to open up, but I have found I need a control valve to let the pressure out slow and controlled, if I open the lid too quick it breaks me.

And you should always remember how blessed you are to have mini yous to help you through your shit however big or small (which I know YOU do Fireblade, but not everyone does)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know everyone is different and there are many different ways we would cope with grief.

But how do you deal with grief?"

I usually man the fuck up in public and then get alcoholicly comatosed in private.

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By *aucy tiggerWoman
over a year ago

Back where I belong

I worked through mine and talked to close friends. I'm lucky I had support from friends and family, but everyone is different.

Grief is such a personal thing and what works for one person won't necessarily work for another xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mind you when my dad finally has the decency to stop breathing, I for one won’t be grieving.

So I’m good for that one.

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By *iss.HoneyWoman
over a year ago

...

Very badly.

I am expected to be the strong one for my siblings which has been the case since I was 10

A shit childhood, abusive father and grandparents dying within months.

Then my best friend died

Then my mum

Then a young child in the family.

Then the shit this year, grieving for the loss of someone who is still here but different

I don't deal with it I box it up because who needs my nonsense on top of their own?

Isn't that the saddest thing? We don't talk to our friends because we don't want to bother them.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"When my son died I had two little girls who needed me so I focused on them as my husband withdrew into a bottle. I held it together for as long as I could then left him.

Still didn't grieve until all my girls married and left home. I was able to focus on me and truly grieve my son. The pain doesn't go away, you busy yourself to not focus on the pain.

If I lost 1 of my kids God I can't even think about that. Your a stronger person than I. X"

I had to survive for my other two children and stepsons as my husband totally withdrew from us.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"Some people think we should forget and move on, like there's something wrong with feeling sad and crying over someone you lost years ago.

What's so wrong about crying and missing people you love, if it's not affecting your life.

I lost my dad 21 years ago, my sister 16 years ago and I still cry occasionally for them.

My mum dying recently brought back the grief I felt for them."

My son would have been 28. The daughter I had after him was 27 yesterday. After phoning her and wishing her a happy birthday I felt so empty it took me by surprise.

You don't get over it.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

My brother-in-law had a son a year later, the spitting image of my son.

I last saw him a few years back at my ex mother-in-law's 85th birthday party. 6ft 3, strapping, looking exactly how I pictured my son to look. It was a surreal experience.

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By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

"Mind you when my dad finally has the decency to stop breathing, I for one won’t be grieving.

So I’m good for that one. "

Reading between the lines, I *think* I might have some idea where you're coming from. The trouble is, if you have a parent (or parents) who haven't parented in the way you think they should have done, you are still probably going to have a strong emotional reaction to their death, even if not grief in the 'traditional' sense.

I am *dreading* the death of one of my parents because I'm terrified it will be harder to grieve for the 'parent I never really had' than for one I was close to, and had fond memories of. While they're still alive, though very unlikely, there's still a tiny hope of answers and explanations, maybe amends of some sort, but when they die that's it, I will never know.

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

The Samaritans are there 24/7 as a listening ear if you need to rant, vent or unburden. You don't have to be suicidal to use their service.

116 123

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"When my son died I had two little girls who needed me so I focused on them as my husband withdrew into a bottle. I held it together for as long as I could then left him.

Still didn't grieve until all my girls married and left home. I was able to focus on me and truly grieve my son. The pain doesn't go away, you busy yourself to not focus on the pain.

If I lost 1 of my kids God I can't even think about that. Your a stronger person than I. X

Not at all my mate. I can't even look myself in the mirror anymore. I just found a way of pretending to everyone else I was ok.

In reality I'm broken and just struggling to get me back. I don't think I ever will. "

You've summed it up eloquently: exactly how it is for me too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/10/18 09:03:05]

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"The worse times are when you're sitting on a crowded bus and it hits you.

I hate that. I’ll be on my way to work and a certain some will come on shuffle and it just hits you. Or I hear someone say the name of a loved one who’s passed.

My father in law is a bus driver and sometimes just seeing him makes me cry. So I’ll be sat on the bus bubbling away, trying to keep it together "

I can relate to this. My parents died years ago. They moved out of London to Preston in 1988.

I remember heading home on the bus and seeing my parents walking hand in hand having just left the Tescos.

Couple of years ago I was heading back to work and the bus took me past the Tescos just as Dance with my father by Luther Vandross came on my ipod.

I'm not a cry baby, but I was blinded by tears and almost physical pain. I've driven past that spot since and felt sad but nothing like the first time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is maybe going to seem shallow or perhaps misplaced grief...

I lost my parents separately a number of years ago and I don't think I outwardly or inwardly grieved as much as I could or should have.. don't get me wrong I miss them every day.

Move on 10 years and I separated from a lady I still consider my soul mate as the relationship was extramarital and unfair on a lot of people close to us...

And for her or our relationship has left me in despair with grief and I feel.so bad I grave for her and our relationship more than the loss of my parents...

I'm following this thread for help and your possible resolutions.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Mind you when my dad finally has the decency to stop breathing, I for one won’t be grieving.

So I’m good for that one.

Trust me, you are better off never knowing, than knowing a father figure I had. The last time I saw him or my mother was when mom signed my enlistment papers a 16. Dads parting shot was he hoped the IRA get me, and that’s probably the nicest thing he’d said to me in ten years.

I changed my name at 18.

I’ve visited my moms grave, just to see. The only thing I felt was, I should probably be feeling bad about this.

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

When my dad died, I couldn't grieve properly.

My parents were married for 54yrs, but childhood sweethearts so 65yrs in total.

My mum compkelty shut down...her entire world had literally just ended

I organised the funeral, took care of all the legalities, chased pensions, arranged benefits & rebates, spent countless hours in solicitors offices dealing with finances, sorting the estate.

I stayed with my mum for 6wks. I lay listening to her cry herself to sleep everynight but I couldn't. I had to hold it all together for her.

It was only once everything was sorted, all the official stuff taken care of I cracked.

I locked myself away for a week, didn't speak to anyone, didn't eat, wash or get dressed, just sat on the settee & cried.

Then I remembered who's daughter I was, and realised my dad would have been furious with me. He wasn't one for self pity or wallowing.

I drove back to Derbyshire spent the morning sat on his grave, told him all the things I was going to do with my life..and promised him I'd be happy x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I remember when my Granny died, I had been in London for a school trip. My mum sent me a text saying ‘I love you babe xx’ and I thought fuck, who died? We aren’t a lovey dovey family (which maybe explains why I am with my husband?) but it was a sweet text.

My grandad picked me up from the train station. I was confused as my dad was supposed to. He asked how London was and when I was explaining he cut me off and said ‘your granny died’ and burst into tears. Him and my granny had been separated for as long as I could remember but stayed close friends, he had just been laying flooring in her house the week before.

I couldn’t believe it and laughed, but when it hit me I burst into tears. And at fourteen years old, he told me ‘but you can’t cry. Your dad is heartbroken. You need to be strong.’

I only live five minutes from the train station so I had to try and bottle this up.

As soon as I got in the door my dad was sat with his bottle of buckfast, eyes bloody shot. My mum looked awful. She asked how it went and hugged me, and I sat bubbling away, determined not to cry. Eventually my mum said ‘you know it’s okay to be sad’ and I burst into tears. That’s when my dad realised I was there, and he got up and cuddled me for ages and ages. Apparently it was the first time he had moved - he was still covered in his mums blood (they had walked past her house and the police were there, she had phoned for an ambulance as she felt ‘funny’. She had a blood clot and died in my dad’s arms)

Apparently me crying made it easier for him to grieve. Everyone was trying to be so strong for him that day and it wasn’t sitting right with him. Apparently I woke him up.

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By *a Fee VerteWoman
over a year ago

Limbo

"Mind you when my dad finally has the decency to stop breathing, I for one won’t be grieving.

So I’m good for that one.

I changed my name at 18.

I’ve visited my moms grave, just to see. The only thing I felt was, I should probably be feeling bad about this.

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to say anything upsetting. I might have been a bit clumsy with my wording. Every child deserves to be parented properly - unfortunately many aren't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Mind you when my dad finally has the decency to stop breathing, I for one won’t be grieving.

So I’m good for that one.

I changed my name at 18.

I’ve visited my moms grave, just to see. The only thing I felt was, I should probably be feeling bad about this.

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to say anything upsetting. I might have been a bit clumsy with my wording. Every child deserves to be parented properly - unfortunately many aren't."

It’s ok. I’m not upset about anything to do with them anymore. If I hadn’t had the things that happened to me happen, then I wouldn’t be the person I am now.

And I quite like the person I am now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've lost a few close friends and family in my 56 years and generally get my head down and work through it, however on the 25th May last year I lost 2 good friends in a light aircraft accident, it still plays on my mind and I'm not moving on and I don't understand why

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

My brother-in-law had a son a year later, the spitting image of my son.

I last saw him a few years back at my ex mother-in-law's 85th birthday party. 6ft 3, strapping, looking exactly how I pictured my son to look. It was a surreal experience. "

Think I mentioned further up my daughter was the double of my sister when they was both toddlers and I had a pic of them both at the same age. The 1 of my sis had to go I couldn't look at it no more. As mine has grown it's not really changed she still looks like her only a lot taller. My sister was maybe 4ft and a dimp tops. I'm just hoping she doesn't develop the same love of micro skirts and bleached blond hair. We used to call her Barbie short stacked bleached hair with a heart of gold and a punch of steel if you was brave enough to mess with her. Haha happy memories

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Grief is weird, it's totally individual and totally personal. Sometimes you don't even know you are suffering it and a trivial later matter causes a disproportionate feeling of grief, it's possibly the repressed grief found a crack and it all comes out together.

When my mother died, I was happy, she was descending into the darkness of dementia. And it was a blessing that she died when she did, over a year later I broke down over a friends dog dying.

When my wife died, she blessed me with 2 young children, and wonderful in-laws who took the children for enough weekends to allow me to break down out of their line of sight. No it wasn't perfect, it never is. But the kids grew up reasonably normal, and I get mother's day as well as father's day cards from them both still.

I did some shameful things, I suffered the edge of insanity, but only Friday to Sunday, Sunday night I got clean and sober, picked the kids up, and coped for the week or two until the next time.

Most men are different to most women, we are not good at handling emotion, or being vulnerable. But it has to be dealt with eventually, or it becomes rage.

Lots of pain in this thread, my heart goes out to you all. I hope you find your way of resolving it.

Me, I can stop tears with a cough, I have learned that time is the key there are still moments now that can break me, and if I am in the right safe place I let the tears flow, but time has allowed me to now only feel devistated for a few minutes before I am able to put the smile back on and face life again.

Big hugs to those who need them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/10/18 10:18:10]

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"Grief is weird, it's totally individual and totally personal. Sometimes you don't even know you are suffering it and a trivial later matter causes a disproportionate feeling of grief, it's possibly the repressed grief found a crack and it all comes out together.

When my mother died, I was happy, she was descending into the darkness of dementia. And it was a blessing that she died when she did, over a year later I broke down over a friends dog dying.

I did some shameful things, I suffered the edge of insanity, but only Friday to Sunday, Sunday night I got clean and sober, picked the kids up, and coped for the week or two until the next time.

Most men are different to most women, we are not good at handling emotion, or being vulnerable. But it has to be dealt with eventually, or it becomes rage.

Lots of pain in this thread, my heart goes out to you all. I hope you find your way of resolving it.

Big hugs to those who need them.

And right back to you sir

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"[Removed by poster at 11/10/18 10:18:10]"

Nicely done

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

I have an immediate relative who has been given only weeks to live. The family are reeling in shock while at the same time pulling together to do everything we possibly can that needs doing.

I feel like it's somewhat of a physical and emotional turmoil.

There are lots of very difficult decisions to be made and pain to be experienced daily.

The worst is yet to come and I'm going to be as strong as I can for those around me, but to be honest I don't really know how we will get through this.

I just know that somehow we will.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"[Removed by poster at 11/10/18 10:18:10]

Nicely done

Yep!

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman
over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

"I've lost a few close friends and family in my 56 years and generally get my head down and work through it, however on the 25th May last year I lost 2 good friends in a light aircraft accident, it still plays on my mind and I'm not moving on and I don't understand why

I lost 2 of my best friends in the Shoreham Airshow crash.

They were only there, at that exact time as waiting for me.

I still havn't got over thst, blame myself, they'd have taken another route if I'd let them know sooner I couldn't make it.

I couldn't drive past the site for over a year, added 15miles to my daily drive to avoid it.

3yrs on & I csn pass it now, but every hair on my body stands on end when I do.

My kids know to be silent if we have to stop at the lights.

Grief & guilt are a terrible combination

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I rage untill exhausted then bury it away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

5 years and 5 days ago today I very nearly lost my life to my own doing, feeling like life couldn't get any worse and wanting finished with it all I jumped Infront of a ford transit van, and very nearly lost my life. fractured skull, ruptured ear drum, broken cheek bone, and bleeding on the brain. I was hospitalised for weeks, one year later I was living in my own place on my own and have always had a stable job That set's me up for life.

It just goes to show when you think things can't get any worse And the days will never better them selves, things will ALWAYS! Move on and steady them it's self out.

If any one out there is feeling down or shitty rember there's always a better future ahead of the day you can't seem to see past hold it down and keep your chin up!

One love! Peace of the mind love of others around you and prosperity of your self!

I use this moment to Handle my greif even more so now then ever!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's still very raw for me, my mums funeral was last Friday and she had a very short battle with lung cancer (3 weeks ago we found out) she went so quickly from looking like the most glamourous granny to a withered, unrecognizable old lady that didn't even resemble her

I keep talking about her with the kids and my husband and I talk to her daily while I am on my own on my night shifts. I wear my heart on my sleave, if grief overcomes me I let it out. I don't care where I am. I was in m&s on Monday and the Christmas tins of short bread that she used to put in our Christmas box was the first thing I saw when I walked into m&s and I couldn't help but cry. They leave a massive hole

everyone is different I guess and deals with it in their own way. I hope however you are all dealing with your losses that you be comforted by the good times and memories today. Lots of love xxx

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"5 years and 5 days ago today I very nearly lost my life to my own doing, feeling like life couldn't get any worse and wanting finished with it all I jumped Infront of a ford transit van, and very nearly lost my life. fractured skull, ruptured ear drum, broken cheek bone, and bleeding on the brain. I was hospitalised for weeks, one year later I was living in my own place on my own and have always had a stable job That set's me up for life.

It just goes to show when you think things can't get any worse And the days will never better them selves, things will ALWAYS! Move on and steady them it's self out.

If any one out there is feeling down or shitty rember there's always a better future ahead of the day you can't seem to see past hold it down and keep your chin up!

One love! Peace of the mind love of others around you and prosperity of your self!

I use this moment to Handle my greif even more so now then ever!"

You keep on surprising me you. That the 2nd post I've seen you do that couldn't be more right.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is maybe going to seem shallow or perhaps misplaced grief...

I lost my parents separately a number of years ago and I don't think I outwardly or inwardly grieved as much as I could or should have.. don't get me wrong I miss them every day.

Move on 10 years and I separated from a lady I still consider my soul mate as the relationship was extramarital and unfair on a lot of people close to us...

And for her or our relationship has left me in despair with grief and I feel.so bad I grave for her and our relationship more than the loss of my parents...

I'm following this thread for help and your possible resolutions.

Hi there, I'm going through the same myself so I know how you're feeling. My dad died in 2005 and it hit us all hard, 13 years later and he's missed and spoken about every day. I can identify with your feelings of guilt over grieving more for your lady than for the loss of your parents - I'm exactly the same and nearly two years since breaking up, I'm no further on....she told me I'd been the love of her life and for sure she's the love of my life, but we just couldn't make it, as lovers or friends in the end as I found it too hard (she moved on and is in another relationship now). We haven't spoken since July - it's hard but most likely for the best. It feels like a bereavement and in a way it is - nobody died but the relationship and friendship did. It's changed me for the worst - I feel like a fool (I should have behaved better in the relationship), also feelings of bitterness and jealousy consume me at times, sometimes I wish I'd never met her to feel how I feel now....but then I think of the happiness we shared in the good times, happiness I'd never known before and then I know it was all worth it.

I don't know about help or resolutions but I know what you're going through, all the best.

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