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Dealing with toxic 'parenting'

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'm not looking for compliments on this thread, that's not the point of it. And I need to vent somehow!

My mum and her husband first met when I was four, and since then he's pretty much bullied me in various forms, chipping away at my self confidence and self esteem for all that time. Thankfully since my mid twenties I've worked hard to build it up again and most of the time I'm okay with myself.

However... he took me and my mum out for tea tonight, and he kept making little snide remarks to my mum all that time, and making comments about my weight... case in point, I mentioned something about the desserts, just like a soda float thing, and, in his words, I shouldn't have one as it'd make me 'fatty fat fat fat.' Then a while later he made a comment about how I'm tall and slim, then muttered about 'how most of you is.'

That kind of shit doesn't normally get to me, yet tonight it really has. Any tips on how to cope with shit like that would be awesome guys.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you directly told him how his comments make you feel ? I know I’d have to say something.

Is it something you can talk to your Mum about? I’m surprised she doesn’t defend you.

It sounds to me like he is a bully in an indirect way, a mental one. They’re often the worst kind.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He sounds like an utter arsehole. Feel sorry for him, not bad about yourself. He's entitled to his opinion but I'd say it's hiding jealousy.

Does he treat your mum the same way?

He's looking for a reaction so don't give him the satisfaction. Pretend you haven't heard him. Or if he's particularly rude ask him to repeat it louder. Make sure people can hear what he says. Repeat it if necessary- "you're saying I'm fatty fat fat?"

You're better than him and it kills him, hence the bullying. x

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By *edoriartyCouple
over a year ago

Peterborough


"I'm not looking for compliments on this thread, that's not the point of it. And I need to vent somehow!

My mum and her husband first met when I was four, and since then he's pretty much bullied me in various forms, chipping away at my self confidence and self esteem for all that time. Thankfully since my mid twenties I've worked hard to build it up again and most of the time I'm okay with myself.

However... he took me and my mum out for tea tonight, and he kept making little snide remarks to my mum all that time, and making comments about my weight... case in point, I mentioned something about the desserts, just like a soda float thing, and, in his words, I shouldn't have one as it'd make me 'fatty fat fat fat.' Then a while later he made a comment about how I'm tall and slim, then muttered about 'how most of you is.'

That kind of shit doesn't normally get to me, yet tonight it really has. Any tips on how to cope with shit like that would be awesome guys. "

Punch him in the face

M

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston

I know he’s married to your Mum so I apologise, but what a complete knob

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

That's just so mean. Like the person above said I would suggest chatting to your mum about that. Do you still live with them?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Or you could go down the 'i can diet your always gonna be a bully ugly nasty prick' route

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

If it's been going on since you were 4 it's bound to affect you sometimes.

Some people don't even know they're having an effect on others with their words.

Can you get yourself in the mindset of "I'm not fat so his words are irrelevant"?

Or do you feel able to just say to him next time he makes a comment "why do you keep saying things like that?"?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like a total prick. I’d meet fire with fire, next time just fire an insult right back st him, you’re a grown woman, you don’t have to put up with his shit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes you have to remove toxicity from your life for your own wellbeing

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By *he Mac LassWoman
over a year ago

Hefty Hideaway

I’d have a word with mum. Let her understand that you’re an adult now and as such can choose the company you keep. Only associate with him when you have to. Keep mum close.

Some people can’t be told. They see nothing wrong with their behaviour and it just ends up being a big old waste of energy.

Whatever you decide remember that his opinion doesn’t matter anymore.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I don't advocate having a word with your mum. I think now's the time to establish yourself as an adult who can deal with him as an equal (I don't know how old you are).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stand up to him...

It is probably the only way to make him stop

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are an adult, tell him you don't need him to comment on your weight or eating habits, unless you ask him something specific and tick him off if he does. Bullies are happy to behave like petulant children but tend to hate being treated like them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm not looking for compliments on this thread, that's not the point of it. And I need to vent somehow!

My mum and her husband first met when I was four, and since then he's pretty much bullied me in various forms, chipping away at my self confidence and self esteem for all that time. Thankfully since my mid twenties I've worked hard to build it up again and most of the time I'm okay with myself.

However... he took me and my mum out for tea tonight, and he kept making little snide remarks to my mum all that time, and making comments about my weight... case in point, I mentioned something about the desserts, just like a soda float thing, and, in his words, I shouldn't have one as it'd make me 'fatty fat fat fat.' Then a while later he made a comment about how I'm tall and slim, then muttered about 'how most of you is.'

That kind of shit doesn't normally get to me, yet tonight it really has. Any tips on how to cope with shit like that would be awesome guys. "

Tell the wanker to go and fuck himself, say sorry to your mum, then leave.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Have you directly told him how his comments make you feel ? I know I’d have to say something. "

I used to get this kind of crap from one of my relatives. Then I lived in the US for a while. People out there are a lot more transparent about how they feel about things. When I returned my relative started doing the same and I simply said "sorry but what you've just said has upset me". It totally stopped them in their track. Later they did the same thing and I repeated what I said. By telling them explicitly that they're upsetting you they're forced to either carry on or back off. They may complain that you're being too soft. But just say that upsets you too. Basically say anything that does upset you upsets you until they stop. Good luck. It worked for me

I don't do this to everyone... Only twats

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"You are an adult, tell him you don't need him to comment on your weight or eating habits, unless you ask him something specific and tick him off if he does. Bullies are happy to behave like petulant children but tend to hate being treated like them "

I agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mine still do it, particularly my mother. My mother has no voice so she has to mine her insults.

I see them as little as possible, keep it very superficial, don’t engage with their complaints and drama. I no longer have a partner to act as a buffer, but I never visit without my kids so the focus can stay on them and away from me.

If they trot out some thoughtless insult or snide remark I try to use humour to undermine it, and often appeal to the kids sense of humour to highlight quite how inappropriate the comment is. There’s nothing like your grandkids laughing at some bitchy remark you’ve just made to make you feel like a fool.

And when they really piss me off I remind them of how much I’ve achieved and how much I’ve had to deal with and ask them if they really think it’s appropriate to talk to me like that.

It sucks, and it’s not how I want to be with anyone, but they are never going to get kinder.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

My ex was a total cunt. Fine for the first few years (got with him from when my son was coming up to 5)

After a few years he started to change (reveal his true form) and that was one of a narcissistic bully. He'd make daily comments to me about my weight and used to try to come between myself and my son. By this time I was 150 miles from family and friends, with nowhere to go if I did leave.

I felt totally lost and helpless.

Every day I hated myself for having put my son in this position.

He may have control over your mum, which is why she lets him get away with such comments. Ignoring is the less painful and easier option. I'm sure she's heard them though, and it's tearing her up inside. If anything like me I wanted to stab the cunt every time he passed an obnoxious, derogatory comment. It took all my self control not to.

I finally grew a set of balls 2 and a half years ago, and this time he knew I meant it when I told him he needed to leave. I'd told him I'd have a police escort waiting for him if he wasn't gone by the time I got home from work. It's a scary scary place and position to be in and I really don't envy you or your mum.

Good luck tho chick, I really do hope things turn around.

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By *ndtheswingersMan
over a year ago

colchester

Piss in his tea

He sounds a complete arsehole

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sit there and eat the biggest pudding in the world right infront of his miserable face and smile whilst you do it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm wondering why your mum likes him.

Any man running any of my family down would get a bollocking and told where to go; especially talking about my daughter like that.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Sit there and eat the biggest pudding in the world right infront of his miserable face and smile whilst you do it. "

Then wipe your finger round the bowl and smear it over his face. I know I said you had to be an adult but

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek


"I'm wondering why your mum likes him.

Any man running any of my family down would get a bollocking and told where to go; especially talking about my daughter like that. "

She probably doesn't but sees no alternative.

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By *ove3funCouple
over a year ago

Cheltenham

Pure jealousy. He sounds very insecure, as most bullies are. Call him out, gently and calmly. Make a joke of it.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I'm wondering why your mum likes him.

Any man running any of my family down would get a bollocking and told where to go; especially talking about my daughter like that. "

She might think it's o.k. Some people think it's fine to make snide comments like that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm wondering why your mum likes him.

Any man running any of my family down would get a bollocking and told where to go; especially talking about my daughter like that.

She might think it's o.k. Some people think it's fine to make snide comments like that"

Yep - it’s the English thing about deprecating humour and never getting above yourself, but twisted. I think it’s a post-war generation issue too.

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By *etter the devil you knowWoman
over a year ago

Lyndhurst


"I'm wondering why your mum likes him.

Any man running any of my family down would get a bollocking and told where to go; especially talking about my daughter like that. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Dad used to bully me, not in a direct way but whatever I did was not good enough kinda way - he could always have done it better

I confronted him about it in my mid 20's and it pretty much stopped there n then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Call him out on it next time he does it, in front of your Mum and even better if friends and family are there, embarrass him, if he try’s to laugh it off don’t back down. Have your say and say these digs stop now. Don’t have an argument, just say what needs to be said then carry on as normal with your friends and family.

If he’s any sort of bloke he will check himself and think about it and maybe apologise later, but at least you called him out and other people are aware.

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington

Tell him to fuck off and put it as bluntly as that I bet the same bloke wouldn’t dare say the same to a bloke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m not saying don’t call him out on it OP, but I have done that several times, angrily, calmly, with an audience and in private. It has reduced but not stopped. Just don’t expect too much and work on building your emotional barriers rather than expecting to be able to make him modify his behaviour.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tell him to go and fuck himself. Tell your Mum, you don't want to be anywhere near him and read this book.

Susan Forward

Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Hope things get better.

Hugs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't advocate having a word with your mum. I think now's the time to establish yourself as an adult who can deal with him as an equal (I don't know how old you are). "

I get where you are coming from, the Mum might be being manipulated though by him too though.

OP - if you see your mum alone does she behave differently ?

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

I honestly think he doesn’t realise 1) he is doing it and 2) the affect it has on you.

I remember when I was 13 my stepdad said to me ‘for God’s sake, your boobs are meant to be bigger than your belly not the other way around ‘ Now that has stuck with me ever since as I found it very hurtful.

I mentioned it a few years ago and everything was denied so I sincerely believe sometimes they never actually grasp what they say.

Doesn’t make it any better I know but best trying not to let it get to you.

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By *horecruxCouple
over a year ago

SE4

Add whiskey to the ice-cream float and lay him out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't advocate having a word with your mum. I think now's the time to establish yourself as an adult who can deal with him as an equal (I don't know how old you are). "

I agree... seems to me it can't get any worse... you take a new no tolerance stand.

Get him told... stand up and take no more of his nonsense...

Unfortunately your mum may pick sides... but you know this needs to be done.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thank you everyone

To summarise some questions -

No, I don't live with them, since I was 18 (aside from when I briefly moved back in when I was 22) I haven't lived with them which gives me some respite. Still go round to theirs a couple of days a week but they mainly spend time apart, even in their own house.

I wouldn't say my mum's weak but my biological dad is equally as undesirable as her husband is. Maybe her husband controls her slightly.

I wish it was as easy to stand up to her husband as it could be. However I don't feel I'm strong or brave enough to turn it around on him as my self esteem around him is just rubbish. I wish I could but I can't.

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By *ickygirl41Woman
over a year ago

Glasgow


"I'm not looking for compliments on this thread, that's not the point of it. And I need to vent somehow!

My mum and her husband first met when I was four, and since then he's pretty much bullied me in various forms, chipping away at my self confidence and self esteem for all that time. Thankfully since my mid twenties I've worked hard to build it up again and most of the time I'm okay with myself.

However... he took me and my mum out for tea tonight, and he kept making little snide remarks to my mum all that time, and making comments about my weight... case in point, I mentioned something about the desserts, just like a soda float thing, and, in his words, I shouldn't have one as it'd make me 'fatty fat fat fat.' Then a while later he made a comment about how I'm tall and slim, then muttered about 'how most of you is.'

That kind of shit doesn't normally get to me, yet tonight it really has. Any tips on how to cope with shit like that would be awesome guys. "

That kind of shit is insidious. Avoid him as much as possible but tbh I'd name the behaviour and call it out. The more you do that then the better you feel.

He says something insulting and negative halt the convo and ask him what his intention was, ask him why he's being nasty or cruel and then tell him what you expect in the future.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Thank you everyone

To summarise some questions -

No, I don't live with them, since I was 18 (aside from when I briefly moved back in when I was 22) I haven't lived with them which gives me some respite. Still go round to theirs a couple of days a week but they mainly spend time apart, even in their own house.

I wouldn't say my mum's weak but my biological dad is equally as undesirable as her husband is. Maybe her husband controls her slightly.

I wish it was as easy to stand up to her husband as it could be. However I don't feel I'm strong or brave enough to turn it around on him as my self esteem around him is just rubbish. I wish I could but I can't. "

Yeah, it's very easy for us to tell you to stand up for yourself but these are your partners, authority figures and there's that whole history behind you.

Do you feel that you could build your confidence to a level where his words bounce off you?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thank you everyone

To summarise some questions -

No, I don't live with them, since I was 18 (aside from when I briefly moved back in when I was 22) I haven't lived with them which gives me some respite. Still go round to theirs a couple of days a week but they mainly spend time apart, even in their own house.

I wouldn't say my mum's weak but my biological dad is equally as undesirable as her husband is. Maybe her husband controls her slightly.

I wish it was as easy to stand up to her husband as it could be. However I don't feel I'm strong or brave enough to turn it around on him as my self esteem around him is just rubbish. I wish I could but I can't.

Yeah, it's very easy for us to tell you to stand up for yourself but these are your partners, authority figures and there's that whole history behind you.

Do you feel that you could build your confidence to a level where his words bounce off you?"

I feel that I could. I'm planning to see if I can get referred for CBT for related issues and see if I can use techniques I learn by doing that to help me in situations like those.

By the way, I'm 28.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I wish it was as easy to stand up to her husband as it could be. However I don't feel I'm strong or brave enough to turn it around on him as my self esteem around him is just rubbish. I wish I could but I can't. "

My approach doesn't require any bravery. In fact all you do is admit he has upset you whenever he does (in mixed company I should hasten to add). Don't do it when it's just you and him as he'll probably just be an abusive twat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you everyone

To summarise some questions -

No, I don't live with them, since I was 18 (aside from when I briefly moved back in when I was 22) I haven't lived with them which gives me some respite. Still go round to theirs a couple of days a week but they mainly spend time apart, even in their own house.

I wouldn't say my mum's weak but my biological dad is equally as undesirable as her husband is. Maybe her husband controls her slightly.

I wish it was as easy to stand up to her husband as it could be. However I don't feel I'm strong or brave enough to turn it around on him as my self esteem around him is just rubbish. I wish I could but I can't. "

Can you just cut him out altogether, just say to you Mum I’ll meet you when he’s not there or meet you out for a coffee and just explain your reason why.

Life’s to short to tolerate toxic people and it’s not fair he has control over you.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Thank you everyone

To summarise some questions -

No, I don't live with them, since I was 18 (aside from when I briefly moved back in when I was 22) I haven't lived with them which gives me some respite. Still go round to theirs a couple of days a week but they mainly spend time apart, even in their own house.

I wouldn't say my mum's weak but my biological dad is equally as undesirable as her husband is. Maybe her husband controls her slightly.

I wish it was as easy to stand up to her husband as it could be. However I don't feel I'm strong or brave enough to turn it around on him as my self esteem around him is just rubbish. I wish I could but I can't.

Yeah, it's very easy for us to tell you to stand up for yourself but these are your partners, authority figures and there's that whole history behind you.

Do you feel that you could build your confidence to a level where his words bounce off you?

I feel that I could. I'm planning to see if I can get referred for CBT for related issues and see if I can use techniques I learn by doing that to help me in situations like those.

By the way, I'm 28."

To me 28 is young . Don't tell anyone else but I'm still dealing with issues caused by my parents, my mother mostly. You've realised and acknowledged the problem at an early stage which to me demonstrates great emotional intelligence and self knowledge.

Good luck moving forward I'm sure you'll come out of this stronger.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"I wish it was as easy to stand up to her husband as it could be. However I don't feel I'm strong or brave enough to turn it around on him as my self esteem around him is just rubbish. I wish I could but I can't.

My approach doesn't require any bravery. In fact all you do is admit he has upset you whenever he does (in mixed company I should hasten to add). Don't do it when it's just you and him as he'll probably just be an abusive twat. "

That takes immense bravery. Admitting to someone quite controlling that you are vulnerable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can't choose blood and you can't choose who your mother wishes to be with.

What you can do is choose who you see.

It's unfair on you to deal with the behaviour of this man and shouldn't be expected to because of your mother.

My advice if you wish to continue a relationship with your mother is to see her when she is alone without him.

Don't accept his behaviour it's abuse and I can assume this has been on going.

Your mother shouldn't allow this to happen, she's made her choice.

Make your choice empower yourself. You don't deserve that treatment from anyone blood or not.

If she can't understand why that you don't want to put up with it.

Cut ties.

Your worth more than that.

Toxic people thrive on the upset and pain they cause.

You'll be better off without it, it will be hard detaching from someone you care and love.

You'll find peace and be free of the abuse.

Can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. If your family can't stand by you and protect you then have to do it for yourself.

I wish you all the best. You don't deserve the foul treatment.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Ah the utopian world of fab where people just tell everyone to fuck off without consideration of the wider implications.

OP I totally get that this is a difficult situation. Your mum obviously likes him so to confront him so directly could cause issues between your relationship with her.

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington


"Ah the utopian world of fab where people just tell everyone to fuck off without consideration of the wider implications.

OP I totally get that this is a difficult situation. Your mum obviously likes him so to confront him so directly could cause issues between your relationship with her. "
wider implications? It mite just shock the bullying tosser to realise what he’s actually doing is actually quite hurtful as I’ve said previously the same bloke probably would not say anything to a bloke and if her mum sides with him over her daughter then perhaps she needs to be told to fuck off aswell just my opinion like

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And remember that he acts like this because of HIS inadequacy, not yours. Whether that is jealousy or something else. He is the little man, throwing Lilliputian spears at you. You are smarter, stronger, kinder and you will survive this inadequate man.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"Ah the utopian world of fab where people just tell everyone to fuck off without consideration of the wider implications.

OP I totally get that this is a difficult situation. Your mum obviously likes him so to confront him so directly could cause issues between your relationship with her. wider implications? It mite just shock the bullying tosser to realise what he’s actually doing is actually quite hurtful as I’ve said previously the same bloke probably would not say anything to a bloke and if her mum sides with him over her daughter then perhaps she needs to be told to fuck off aswell just my opinion like "

Am I supposed to swoon at your 'I don't give a fuck' attitude?

It's easy to tell someone else to tell other people to fuck off but relationships are complicated, life is complicated. Not as 2 dimensional as you seem to believe.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ah the utopian world of fab where people just tell everyone to fuck off without consideration of the wider implications.

OP I totally get that this is a difficult situation. Your mum obviously likes him so to confront him so directly could cause issues between your relationship with her. "

In the case of my relative I think she thought she was being funny. Nobody else chastised her when I admitted she was upsetting me. Peer pressure alone caused her to realise she needed to stop or I'd always call her up on it by saying it upset me. It's really not about being confrontational. If she wants she could also just cry. It's just about not aiding him by pretending it's ok. It isn't. If he's got a heart he'll change when he realises it's upsetting her.

That's just my advice anyway. Believe me I do *not* live in an idyllic halcyon existence. It was just something that worked for me as I saw it work in the US

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"And remember that he acts like this because of HIS inadequacy, not yours. Whether that is jealousy or something else. He is the little man, throwing Lilliputian spears at you. You are smarter, stronger, kinder and you will survive this inadequate man."

Now this I can buy into. It is totally not your fault OP that this man acts the way he does. Yes you need to find a way to deal with him wether directly through confronting him or indirectly by modifying your response to him, whichever way you feel most confident with.

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By *lem-H-FandangoMan
over a year ago

salisbury

I think you need professional help.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

id tell him to fuck off .. you dont need this shit

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington


"Ah the utopian world of fab where people just tell everyone to fuck off without consideration of the wider implications.

OP I totally get that this is a difficult situation. Your mum obviously likes him so to confront him so directly could cause issues between your relationship with her. wider implications? It mite just shock the bullying tosser to realise what he’s actually doing is actually quite hurtful as I’ve said previously the same bloke probably would not say anything to a bloke and if her mum sides with him over her daughter then perhaps she needs to be told to fuck off aswell just my opinion like

Am I supposed to swoon at your 'I don't give a fuck' attitude?

It's easy to tell someone else to tell other people to fuck off but relationships are complicated, life is complicated. Not as 2 dimensional as you seem to believe. "
what do you know about my attitude I’ve simply offered my opinion I’m not expecting op to say that but I bet there’s many ladies on here probably would and why would I expect you to swoon at my don’t give a fuck attitude as I said it’s just my opinion and I still stand but it he’s a horrible bully who deserves to be told

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You could remind him that when he's old and decrepit you'll be the one choosing his care home.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ah the utopian world of fab where people just tell everyone to fuck off without consideration of the wider implications.

OP I totally get that this is a difficult situation. Your mum obviously likes him so to confront him so directly could cause issues between your relationship with her.

In the case of my relative I think she thought she was being funny. Nobody else chastised her when I admitted she was upsetting me. Peer pressure alone caused her to realise she needed to stop or I'd always call her up on it by saying it upset me. It's really not about being confrontational. If she wants she could also just cry. It's just about not aiding him by pretending it's ok. It isn't. If he's got a heart he'll change when he realises it's upsetting her.

That's just my advice anyway. Believe me I do *not* live in an idyllic halcyon existence. It was just something that worked for me as I saw it work in the US "

Families are so different. I'm glad I come from one where we will tell a partner or offspring to mind their tongues.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

The forums can be great for advice, so many different opinions.

Do you get on well with your mum? I suggested you had a chat with her but thinking about it I'd only do that if you're close. You don't want to lose her. What Peach said as well ^^^ maybe he's a bit of an arsehole to your mum to?

These adult things life throws at us can be so unpleasant. I hope you can sort it out x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

myself id tell him to his face that his derogatory comments only show the true person he his a bully an inconsiderate

abuser secondly I would avoid being about him sounds a nasty piece of work also if he treats his womans daughter like that should your mum be around him!!

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"I wish it was as easy to stand up to her husband as it could be. However I don't feel I'm strong or brave enough to turn it around on him as my self esteem around him is just rubbish. I wish I could but I can't.

My approach doesn't require any bravery. In fact all you do is admit he has upset you whenever he does (in mixed company I should hasten to add). Don't do it when it's just you and him as he'll probably just be an abusive twat.

That takes immense bravery. Admitting to someone quite controlling that you are vulnerable. "

Yup, she needs to find her strength first, and that may be via her anger.

He has no right to do that to another human being OP and if you don't yet have the strength to confront him, maybe you can find the strength to get up and walk out. That effectively ends the abuse and makes a very strong statement.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"Tell him to go and fuck himself. Tell your Mum, you don't want to be anywhere near him and read this book.

Susan Forward

Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Hope things get better.

Hugs "

I'd second the book recommendation. Read it slowly, in private, and have a box of tissues at hand. Therapy is also invaluable.

The insight that changed things for me: the only person you can control is yourself. That doesn't mean you should fight harder to gain approval. It means the opposite. Some people are arseholes. It doesn't matter why. You do the best you can do and remember that their stuff isn't a reflection on you.

Like another poster, I disengage emotionally. Oh, my relatives notice. But I dance to their tune just enough that no criticism of me seems logical. I keep topics as much as possible to things that won't hurt me when they tear me apart. I have supportive friends who remind me that I'm not the crazy one. Sometimes they hurt me, but I am good enough. And so are you.

Long term solutions depend on specifics. I'm biding my time. You do what you need to do.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I'll also agree that (controlled) anger (not necessarily in the form of confrontation) is empowering and healing. I have been wronged and I am not ashamed. I wish the same for you, OP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This asshole must have confidence issue, try or maybe you already know his Achilles heel amd use it against him.

For instance, for the sake of the argument, let's say he has bad teeth, like few teeth missing, next time he comments about something regarding your weight and the food you eat, smile and make him understand that, at least, you, you are able to chew your food properly thanks to your nice teeth (assuming you have nice teeth lol, otherwise that was a bad example )

Use his techniques against him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tell him to go and fuck himself. Tell your Mum, you don't want to be anywhere near him and read this book.

Susan Forward

Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Hope things get better.

Hugs

I'd second the book recommendation. Read it slowly, in private, and have a box of tissues at hand. Therapy is also invaluable.

The insight that changed things for me: the only person you can control is yourself. That doesn't mean you should fight harder to gain approval. It means the opposite. Some people are arseholes. It doesn't matter why. You do the best you can do and remember that their stuff isn't a reflection on you.

Like another poster, I disengage emotionally. Oh, my relatives notice. But I dance to their tune just enough that no criticism of me seems logical. I keep topics as much as possible to things that won't hurt me when they tear me apart. I have supportive friends who remind me that I'm not the crazy one. Sometimes they hurt me, but I am good enough. And so are you.

Long term solutions depend on specifics. I'm biding my time. You do what you need to do. "

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